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Family Relationships
My relationship with my mother is not too good. I'm not looking to make her my best friend but I do want to improve our relationship but the only problem is her.
Everytime I walk into the same room as her, she's always down my throat about one thing or another! She doesn't ask nicely at all but instead, she yells at me. I've asked her to stop doing this but she never does!
She yells at me, cusses me out or calls me bad words, and threatens me even if I haven't done anything wrong. I don't do anything to provoke her, I don't even leave the house unless it's for school or work, so I can't be doing something wrong.
I've gotten to a point in my life where I feel like I should just change my goals/life plans so I could move out and be away from her. The only problem is that there's no way I could move out, support myself, and still go to college.
I don't know what to do and that is why I'm turning to different people for advice. How do I deal with this for the next two years? (Keep in mind that I go to a community college, therefore, I have to live at home!)
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YOu didn't give me a lot of information about your mother so let me throw some things out there. Do you think she could be jealous of you? Is there anything going on in her life that would make her so miserable? Is she divorced, or if married, does she treat your dad the same way? Or bothers and sisters you may have? Does she have financial problems, or thinks she has financial problems? Could she be on drugs or alcohol? If none of those things are true, that I would guess that she does have feelings of inadequacy and sees you growing up and having alife and a future and is sort of jealous. This is not uncommon, but many moms don't realize that what they feel is jealousy.
I think you are right to try and turn things around rather than run away. Looking back on it, say 10 years from now, those two years will seem small. Some day you WILL be on your own, and I bet your relationship with your mom will be better. But I do have some suggestions.
Try to give your mom a compliment. I know sounds corny, but I have done this before successfully (with co-workers, but people are people) Now the compliment has to be sincere and sound sincere to her or she won't believe it.
And by compliment I don't mean about her looks, unless she is that shallow - make it about her tasks, her capabilities. Especially something that helped you out. Here are some examples.
"Mom, I am so glad that you told me to stay away from so and so, you were right about him/her. She/He was just going to use me."
Or, "Mom, I am so glad that I took your advice and took that class on _________. I really enjoy it and am doing well in it."
You could also try, when she starts an argument, you could say, "yes I know, you are right" or "yes I know, I agree with you". When you tell a person that is yelling, that they are correct in what they are saying, it kind of takes the winds out of their sails. What else can they say, you already said they were right. And you must not be sarcastic in your statements, you must be sincere. There must be something that your mother does well, that you can complement her on. And as you get better at it, you can also start to compliment her on her looks, or her cooking, or her house or her garden or her brain.
And this is what I am hoping will happen. She will slowly but surely turn around and you two will become good friends.
So my advice is to not change your goals and stay home so you can stay in school. I left home at 18, and never went back. I have a relationship now with my mom, but I am not happy about it. She is still a miserable person and was a lot like your mom is, when I was growing up. I didn't know how to stop it and so I left. As a result I did not get to finish college right away. In fact I just graduated from college with my Bachelor degree in 2008, at the age of 56. So I struggle all those years and raised two kids too. Sure it made me strong. And dealing with this issue with your mom in a successful way, will also make you strong.
Good luck to you, and you cna write again and let me know how you made out, if you want to
- Michele
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