about

My name is Elly and I am 18 years old. I live in Michigan and I graduated High School in '07. I'm currently attending a great college, but I'm home for the summer. It's too nice outside to sit on the computer all day, so I might not be as active on here as I would like.

I guess a good way to describe me is experienced. I've discovered a lot about life and I can't wait to discover more... while having fun at the same time of course! ...BUT, like everyone, I have experienced things in life that I rather wish I hadn't. And I also feel that those bad experiences qualify me to help others with this column.

I have been in a serious relationship for over two and a half years now. I personally know that love is a difficult thing to nurture. It takes a lot of work. Life is NOT a fairytale where two people can simply love each other and everything will just fall into place. It doesn't work like that in the real world.

People on Advicenators are starting to disappoint me. Everyone says "ooh I want to help! I've experienced EVERYTHING!" Yet, I can't tell you how many questions I see with answers like "you could have googled that" or "we're not going to do your homework" or "I'm so sick of 'wow does he like me?!' questions." I used to sort of be like that, but now I realize how hypocritical that is. If I know the answer to a question, I will answer to the best of my ability without making you feel stupid for asking it in the first place. Advicenators is going to turn into a pretty nasty place if people just keep brushing off questions like that.

Rate or don't rate. I really don't care. But don't give me a 1 just because I tell you something you don't want to hear. Go to your mom for advice if you want sugarcoated answers.

I can give excellent advice on:
relationships/sex
friendship
family issues
anything about animals (i worked at a vet for several years)
college

advice

me= 16/f
him=17/m

we've been dating nearly a year and im in need of ideas of gifts to give him on our 1 year. I love him with all my heart he's the sweetest guy ive ever met and a lil emotional. i want the gift for hjim to be amazing and remind him of me since he's gotten me many amazing gifts such as a ring, neclace, and an adorable stuffed animal to cuddle with. I dont want the gift to be something to do with his interests cuz thats more of a christmas/b-day gift. I want it to be just something that reminds him of Us and our amazing year together. we havent taken many pictures so a scrapbook wont work im thinking that for our 2 year when we have more things to put in it.
give me as many ideas as possible i need a ton!!

thanks

Make him a hollow book! It's seriously the best gift idea ever! You can put lots of sweet things in it for him just to show how much you care. After you make it, decorate it with a few pictures of your guys or some nice scrapbook paper. Then toss in things like:
-his favorite candy
-love quotes written on little pieces of paper
-movie ticket stubs from movies you've seen together

And just other little things that will remind him of your first year together. Like maybe if you went to the zoo, put a zoo map in there.

Here's a web site on how to make it. I'm sure he'll love it!

http://how2dostuff.blogspot.com/2006/02/how-to-make-secret-hollow-book.html

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16/f
my boyfriend has trouble trusting me. he says he trusts me but i know he doesn't. he freaks out anytime i even talk to another guy. i used to have so many guy friends now i don't anymore. i love my boyfriend to death and will not breakup with him i just need your help with a way to make things better.

this happens a lot about different things but i'll tell you what is going on now. he is constantly scared that if i talk to another guy i'll like him. my boyfriend is always asking me who i talk to in my gym class (meaning guys). i hardly talk to any of the guys, mostly just the girls. i told him that and he was like give me all of the names of the people you've had conversations with. and he started freaking out. then i told him that there is no way i could ever remember that and i'm crying so much and he thinks i'm hiding something. he always thinks i talk to guys behind his back.

like he always looks at my phone at my texts and calls. i know he just loves me so much and never wants to lose me but idk what to do to make all of this stop and just have him trust me!

thanks so much!

The issue here is definitely your boyfriends lack of self-confidence. Two big things I look for in love are honesty... and trust. You can't continue a loving relationship if he's going to keep acting like this. It's driving you insane and it's driving him insane.

Remind him that HE is the guy you always come to. HE is the one you love. And if he can't trust you to even have a friendly conversation with another guy, things will never get better between you two.

You need to put your foot down and tell him you deserve your privacy (i.e. no going through your phone). That is just ridiculous that he does that. Tell him you have nothing to hide, but at the same time he should respect your privacy.

Sit him down and talk through everything with him. If he wants to freak out and act like a baby, maybe you two need to go on a break until he can learn to trust you better.

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Hi my name is jackie.

i've been dating my boyfriend since september and i used to be head over heals for him..vve broke up for a vvhile.. and then novv vve have been together for four months. he never used to act like i vvas his girlfriend. Ex. in school he didnt kiss me hug me or hold my hand. i started to think he vvas embarrassed of me.. he recently started actually "liking" me & doing all of that stuff.. but novv im thinking tvvice and he is leaving for the marines this summer and i dont vvant to get realy close to him because he is just going to leave.. i am too scared to break up vvith him because ive liked him since i vvas a little girl & novv that i have him im not sure that vvas such a good idea..
this has been stressing me out alott lately.. please help? im 15/f and he is 17 almost 18

It sounds like he's starting to mature a little and appreciate you more since he is leaving in a few months. Which is good, but he shouldn't have to have that kind of motivation to treat you right.

If you don't want to get close to him, then don't. Like you said, he's leaving in a couple months. Just tell him you want to be friends. I know that the concept of breaking up is scary, but you're young. You'll meet lots of other potential boyfriends before you know it. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. The fact is, if he is stressing you out, he is not worth being with. Listen to your gut. If something doesn't feel right, then nothing is.

P.S. I would really appreciate it if you used a "w" instead of a "vv" in the future. It's really hard to read. I'm sure other columnists would appreciate it as well. :)

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I need to leave my boyfriend.

I met him playing an online game and he moved here to be with me. It was great, he was sweet and loving... I immediately felt safe. When he's happy and content he calls me his princess and treats me like a queen.. even now. I was 19 turning 20 when he moved here. We would have a lot of fights though, during the months. I've made a couple mistakes but he's my first boyfriend, although that is a poor excuse. The thing is, after some time, he'd use these mistakes of mine against me, and make me feel guilty. I'd cry often and end up apologizing... and I begin to lose a sense of who is right or wrong.. and when I complain, he tells me "You're just bitching again" or "PMSing or what?", even if the things I complain about can't help but make me angry when I think about them. He keeps bringing up all the mistakes I made from the beginning of the relationship when I complain about CURRENT situations. He always calls me names and hangs up on me which I think is really rude.. he's never there for me which hurts the most. He pushes me away from him when he's upset when I try to hug him...

Nowadays, I try to let him know what bothers me in a polite way.. saying something like "it would make me feel better if you did this instead..." but he would say I'm bitching again and that he "fu**ing hates" me so much. I'm 21 and I'm going into my 3rd year of University, planning to be a teacher. He... still lives in a duplex in a bad neighbourhood since he moved here.. and doesn't.. work on his career either, or even drives. This is what made my mom cry one time. She says "Why are you so crazy about a guy that doesn't even better himself if not for him but for you?" She worries about me bussing to his place all the time. I love her so much and I see how upset she gets when I come home with puffy eyes (from tears) so often in a week.

While he just sits around and does nothing but play online games again.. here I am typing this. I know I'm better than this, but .. I just feel disgusting, gained weight after meeting him.. I don't feel confident.. I used to think my friends were stupid when they did stupid things for love, they went to ME for advice because I never had those problems before.. I feel like the most stupidest of all. I need some words of encouragement to move on and leave him.. or else I'll fall back to that cycle where he goes all sweet and hugs me tight and makes me feel safe again where I have to say sorry just to keep feeling that safeness.

Part of this story is also relevant to sex problems I will type in another question.

So what exactly is your question? If it's "how do I leave my boyfriend?" I've got a few suggestions.

Go straight up to him and tell him it's over. You're tired of being called such vulgar names. You're tired of his lazy ass not getting a job. You're tired of being treated like dirt under his feet. You deserve better and you deserve to be happy. Say "Since I'm so 'bitchy' all the time, I'll just leave you to your little games and go bitch to someone else."

And I know it will hurt. I know it will be hard. But you have to do it. There is no future with this guy. There's much better out there just waiting for you. Surround yourself with family and friends. Start going to the gym or do something else that is good for you. Rearrange the furniture in your home. Focus on positive thoughts. Throw yourself into school. The point is to keep yourself busy and you'll find you've forgotten all about him in know time.

Down the road when you meet the right guy, you'll be looking back on this loser and laughing.

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I have dated one guys for 5 years now an he has cheated on me 17 times. I moved out from his house an now i live with someone i really get along with. Everytime i try to break up with the other guy he begs me not to do it that he will change. Please i need so advice on how to tell him i dnt want him no more

Just tell him you slept with someone else. That tends to make boyfriends want to break up. :-P (Yes I'm kidding.)

Tell him straight up that it's over. Ignore his phone calls, emails, everything until he leaves you alone. It might also get him to leave you alone if you start dating other guys.

I'm glad you realize this guy is a piece of dirt.

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my friend is starting to get really obsessed with this one guy and quite frankly i don't think he is going to like her in that way. she is nice and all but i don't think he wants a girlfriend. and plus he doesn't really know she exists. so how do i make her like him less, i don't want her to get hurt =[.

Let your friend like who she wants. She can live and learn and make mistakes and get over them in time. All you can do is be a good friend by letting her make the choices she wants and be there for her if she does get hurt in the end.

That's how life is. I'm sure you would want her to do the same for you in that situation.
:)

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21/f
I am getting married soon, but there are still some issues bugging me that I thought my fiance and I had resolved.

- He smokes
I know this is a personal choice for him but it does affect me. If I really don't like it, shouldn't he at least try not to smoke in front of me? He only started doing this recently, before this he used to hide the fact that he smoked (cause he knows I hate it) and lie to my face when I would ask.
- He brings home his friends porn
He swears up and down that it's not his. Fine, but if you know I don't like it then don't bring it into our home. If it is your friends property then let your friend keep it, no?
- He has MOOD SWINGS like you would not believe. One minute he is all sweet and cuddly and the next he's scowling with a nasty attitude.
- He doesn't like to think about the future, aka he has no idea what he wants as a career (although he has a good job for the time being) and he doesn't even put thought into it.

I don't know what to do. These are things that seriously bother me. I've brought these issues to his attention and nothing changes, or it changes for a week or two then we're back to square one.

There is also stuff from the past and I try to let it go but then he shows me that he doesn't have the will to change.

I'm supposed to be getting married in 3 months! HELP.

Wanting to change your significant other before marrying them is a bad sign. If things like this are seriously bothering you, you should reconsider your marriage. I know that isn't something you want to hear, but it's the truth. Compromises need to be made and if he isn't willing to make an effort on his end, maybe marriage isn't such a good idea right now.

Smoking- Don't make him feel like he has to lie about it. If he lights up in front of you, just walk away. Don't make any comments that it bothers you; simply leave the room. If he wants to make the decision to smoke, then he is not allowed to spend time with you when he does.

Porn- All guys like porn. This is a fact of life. I deal with it with my boyfriend. It will never change and women like us need to learn to deal with it. I would give your guy a simple warning: what you don't know won't hurt you. If he wants to watch it, that's none of your business, but you shouldn't have to find out about it or have it lying around the house. As long as he keeps those private things to himself, let it be. Give him space to keep what he wants in the house. If it's inappropriate, just make sure to have him keep it out of sight.

Mood swings- When he starts getting an attitude, keep a smile on your face. Don't let him spoil your good moods. If he wants to be pouty, go do something fun. I'm sure that this is a stressful time in his life (with the marriage and not knowing what he wants to do), so that could contribute to those mood swings. All you can do is stay calm and be sweet to him. If he wants to be in a bad mood then it's his loss.

Future- As long as he has a decent job and is bringing in money for support, I wouldn't worry about it. Let him make his own decisions and learn from his mistakes. I know it bothers you just because you want the best for him, but pushing him about it will only make things more miserable between you.

You can't stress over the things you can't change. You can either embrace them or get rid of the cause.

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imagine this fun happy spirited girl who runs around and doesn't give a flip =] she likes meeting people and can make conversation with people easily. but then when she finds out a guy likes her, its like she gets all nervous. she pretty much loses all of her spunk that probably attracted the guy in the first place. but she finds it hard to trust the guy in a way, and his intentions. either shes afraid or she just hasn't had enough experience with guys. but she wishes she could show him who she really is. because he told her friend that he liked this girl and they've been hanging out together once a week for the last few weeks. they even kissed once =]. but she needs help letting loose. she needs to get her groove back hahaha. i bet you all love how this question is all hypothetical. thanx =]]]

Wow, this girl sounds like this one girl I know... hypothetically speaking of course. ;)

Eventually, I convinced this girl to relax and be herself. I told her not to be afraid to speak her mind. As Dr. Seuss once said, "Always say what's on your mind. The one's that mind don't matter and the one's that matter don't mind."

So that girl I know was never able to date anyone because she just felt so nervous and uncomfortable around any guy that got close to her. But one day, this boy came along. He was hurt by one of her friends and she nursed his broken heart. Eventually, that girl grew to like that boy. She waited and waited for that nervous feeling to come, but it never did. Something was different about him. They are still together today. :)


Back to the girl you know...
Like you said, that guy probably likes the girl because of how awesome she is. And if she tries so hard but no matter what she cannot open up around that guy, then he is probably not the one for her. If she really wants it to work, she will find a way to make it happen in time. Before then, she should be friends with the guy and get to know him better. Once she knows the guy better, I am sure she can open up around him a lot more.

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ok im boyfriends 18 and im gonna be 16 nd lately ive been thinking hes like cheating on me or something cause he works out after school till 5 and we were suppose to hangout after sometime then and i asked him when were gonna hangout and he said ill let you know what time and im like ok and then like an hour passes and im like i bet you dont even wanna hangout with me and he got all pissy and hes like whateve if you think that then we wont hangout and im ok whatever and then i said sorry later caue i wanted to see him and he told me he would come pick me up after he ate and i guess he went out to eat but idk with who and im thinking its a girl.. but i just dont wanna assume things and then ruin our relationship and then he came and hungout with me at like 10 and im like um ok. and then today he asked me if i can hagout and i said maybe and he like kept telling me to make sure i let him know if we can. and im gguessing its cause he wants to do something else? and right now hes not talking to me and i know hes out.
and like the other night i saw like picture comments from gils saying oh i love you youre so sexy and stuff and i really didnt know waht to do
so i told him how i felt about that and hes no i love you and only want you fuck any other girl so im like ok i feel bette but lately i have this feeling and idk what to do
so help me pleaseeee.!

You need to stop and ask yourself if you really trust this guy. Has he ever done something like this before to you or any of his other girlfriends?

Next time he's at the gym, surprise him with a water bottle and a sandwich there. Tell him you were thinking of him and you just wanted to be sweet. Hopefully, he won't be there with another girl or anything.

When you talk to him each day, ask "So what are you doing today?" If he doesn't give you a straight answer, assume he isn't doing anything and invite him to do something. If he shoots you down without a clear reason, he's probably hiding something.

Since you already told him how you were feeling and he denied it, all you can do is sit back and keep trying to be a good girlfriend. Trust him and let things flow for awhile. As long as you are sweet to him, there's no reason why he shouldn't be the same for you. All guys need their privacy once in awhile.

After a couple weeks, if you still feel the same, you should talk to him again. Don't flat out accuse him of cheating, but tell him how you feel. Say, "I feel like you're never around anymore. You're always off doing other things and you never include me. I want to be a bigger part of your life. It upsets me not only that you don't include me, but you never even bother to tell me what you're up to."

And take things from there.
Good luck and I hope everything works out.

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well ive been going out with this guy for 6 days.
But we like eachother and he met my parents, who think hes a really nice and great guy.
so we talk to eachother a lot. I hung out with him yesterday. And i really want for him to kiss me. Please dont say hes not a good boyfriend for not kissing me yet, i mean its only been 6 days.

So what are some ways i can either
1)flirt with him to make him understand.
2) Make him realize i want to kiss him/ have him kiss me.
3) Have him kiss me.

Thanks in advance.
-Arie(:

There are lots of ways to get a guy to kiss you.

Whenever you are alone with him, stand close to him. Be touchy feely (but not overly). Hold his hand, put your arm around his waist, lean into him, etc. Whatever you feel comfortable doing.

While talking to him, keep your face semi close to his. While he is talking, glance from his eyes to his lips back and forth a few times. This will send him lots of signals.

Be subtle, but cute. He won't be able to resist.

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whats the difference?!

also, tips for either PLEASEE!

I think it's a matter of opinion. French is just a style of kissing. I consider making out to be like a really long kiss. There are lots of different ways of doing both, it just depends on what you and your partner like best.

If you want both to be enjoyable, it's all about physical contact. And not necessarily naughty contact, but things like hugging, touching their neck, running ringers through their hair, etc. make it much more enjoyable.

Everyone has their own styles for doing such things. Just remember that practice makes perfect.

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14/M

I hang out with this girl alot. We go to the mall with other people very often, and we also go to movies. I like her, and I want to ask her out, but I have absolutely no clue when/how. I think she likes me but I'm not totally sure. I'm also quite positive she'd say yes, but thats not my main concern; its actually asking the question.

Any advice?

Bake her a cupcake and put a piece of paper inside saying "Will you be my girlfriend?"

Write her a poem saying everything you like about her and ask her to be your girlfriend at the end of it.

Make her a CD with some cool songs on it, and for the last track, make a recording of yourself saying how amazing you think she is and that you want her to be your girlfriend.

You could go all out, or keep it simple. Like take her out to dinner and ask her then. You know her better than the rest of us do. What would she like?

Whichever scenario you use, make sure it is in private so people won't tease her about it or anything (not saying that they would, but stuff like that is personal).

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how many different positions are there??

I honestly don't think there is any specific number. Depending on how flexible you and your partner are, there could be countless.

Go ahead and google it. There are good sights with many different ideas.

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My girlfriend and i are moving into a apartment together in Augest and i'm overly worried about having enough money. Whats a good amount to have saved up to move out on ones own?

Thanks

It's not so much the exact amount of money, but that both of you have decent jobs that will bring in the money. You need to make sure you have a reliable amount of cash coming in each month or else things will be very tight.

There are other costs to think about too, such as groceries.

It would be a very good idea to sit down with your girlfriend and try to add up your monthly costs compared to how much the two of you make at your jobs each month. Once you have an estimate of all that, you'll be able to decide how much you would like to have saved up to start with.

As always, the more you have saved up, the better. If I were moving out on my own, I would try and have a least a couple thousand dollars saved up so I would be secure for awhile if anything were to happen with my job.

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okay, so i like this guy...and he likes me...trust me i know. okay so anyway, lately, ive been kind of boerd with life, you know like tierd of doing the same thing over and over and over and over again. but supposivly this guy is going to ask me out. i like him and all but i don't really want to go out with him. like i don't know why. but anyway, i just don't think that we would last long...or that hes my ticket to excitement. i have a lot of personal problems i think that i should deal with first. what do you think? am i making a mistake? he isn't that hot. if that helps...



please help!!
thanks in adcanceee!

If any part of you has doubts about dating this guy, then of course you shouldn't go out with him. If he does ask you out, just tell him everything you told us: a relationship isn't something you want to deal with while you still have personal issues.

It doesn't matter if you think it will be a mistake or not. If part of you doesn't want to do it, then you shouldn't As long as he's understanding, the two of you can still be friends.

If you're so bored with life, get out there and try new things. Join a new club. Introduce yourself to new people. Take up a new hobby. Along the way, you might meet a new guy that you're interested in. Someone that you'd actually be excited to go out with. THAT'S the guy you want to wait for.

Best wishes!

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me and my boyfriend have been together for a few months now. i love him to death. but we fight so much. i hate it. i feel like its tearing us apart. mostly we fight over, no trust, and how he doesnt care, i know he does but iidk.and i get so mad so fast. how do i stop getting mad over stupid stuff. how do we make our relationship better?

I'm definitely going through those same things with my boyfriend right now. I'm suddenly having issues with not trusting him and worrying when he gives me no reason to do so.

I realized that my worries were pushing him away, so I decided to do a couple things:

1) If he did something little that would normally throw me into a rage (like play video games while talking to me on the phone instead of giving me his full attention), I would calmly say "Why don't you give me a call back when you're done there?" The important this was that I didn't get mad over it, I just let it go and moved on. It's his loss in the end for not taking the time to talk to me. Next time you catch yourself getting pissed at him for something small, ask yourself "Will this even matter a year from now?" If the answer is no (which is usually likely), then just let it go and don't start an argument with him.

2) I made sure to spend a little time away from him here and there so as not to smother him. I don't know how often you see each other, but if you see each other EVERY SINGLE DAY, that could cause issues. Take two or three days to just do your own thing. The time apart will make you stronger because when you get to see each other, you'll be too happy to spend time together to argue. If you do plan on spending a couple days apart, don't call him 321412390 times a day. Keep it to a simple phone call, maybe one to say good night and see how your boyfriend's day went.

3) I stopped calling him nearly as much as I used to. If you really want to know if your boyfriend cares, wait for him to contact you. No matter how much you want to call him, just be patient and wait to see if he calls you to talk or make plans.


So far, these tips have made my relationship better and I hope they work for you. Good luck!

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Im a girl in grade 12 and there is this one boy i've liked since grade 9. Me and him have been best friends since ive met him and we both used to like each other at one point. Me and him are very close to the point where we talk for hours on the fone, school and msn every day. He always used to make sexual jokes with me and we told each other last year that we used to like each other. Meanwhile, his close guy friend also liked me. Me and his friend started going out in june last year. Since then, me n my best friend continue to talk a lot but never in front of my bf. a couple weeks ago, me n my best friend went on a school trip to new york and on the bus ride home which was from 7 pm to 7 am, we made out. Me and my bf had broken up a month ago. It wasnt just a simple kiss, we kissed a lot fo times and when i woke up the next moring he was holding my hand .This is the firts time ivee gotten physical with him in my whoel life. When my bf, who still likes me, tried to beat him up, my best friend lied and said i made the move and that he never even liked me. I was mad at him for a week for lying but i realized its not worth runing a 4 yr friendship over.Was this just to save his butt and not ruin his reputation with his friend or is it the truth? Does my best friend like me but is lying to his friends? Or did he just use me physically?

Well, I'm guessing the only way to know for sure is by talking to him. All the reasons you mentioned could be true or none at all.

There are a couple things you should consider doing:
1) Tell your ex boyfriend to back off. Remind him that you are no longer together and it is none of his business who you are kissing.

2) Tell your best friend that you are hurt he lied. Ask him why he kissed you if it didn't mean anything. Ask him how he feels once and for all.

3) BUT before you do that, how do YOU feel? You never really said who you wanted to be with or if you wanted a boyfriend (at least I didn't see any hints). If you are interested in taking your friendship to the next level, this situation needs to be talked out. If you are not interested in a relationship from there, you should talk to your friend about keeping things friendly and not kissing anymore.

Good luck!

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I met my friend a year ago. At the time he was in a relationship with
his girlfriend of 5 years and it wasn't going well. I spent nearly
every day with him at work and I even tried to help him deal with some
hidden issues he hadn't expressed to anyone. About a month or so
later his girlfriend kicked him out and he began living at his work.
When I stayed one night talking to him, we ended up sleeping together.
I had been in love with him from day one so I was on cloud 9. Their
break up lasted 2 weeks and I was left with nothing. Not long after
that she kicked him out again for a "let's take a break". During that
time he found her in bed with another guy the day before his birthday.
He couldn't eat, sleep, or anything and was throwing up constantly.
But I was by his side. When his family and friends told him he should
get over her, I stood by his side knowing he wasn't ready. It wasn't
long after that we began sleeping together again. This was more
confusing on my part because it's how I ended up with my ex-husband,
we were just friends, but I slept with him hoping we'd become more and
eventually we did, even when he swore he'd never love me.

So with this best friend of mine our "complicated" friendship
continues. He kept saying he didn't want me to be a rebound so I told
him to date other girls (knowing it would hurt me) hoping that when
the relationships wouldn't work he'd realize what he was missing was
in me. He dated one girl, after sleeping with her one time she broke
it off. He came right back to me. Months later he dated another
girl, slept with me the entire time they were dating because he wasn't
happy with her but still wanted to see where it would go. After they
slept together once, they broke it off and he came right back to me.
After that he said he was done dating and we just stayed together.

These entire months of being together people we didn't even know could
see something between us when we'd go out. He said it was because of
the way I acted because my affection is so obvious, but there were
times when I walked away from him for a few minutes only to be greeted
by admirers pointing out that he had something in his eyes just for
me, and some saw jealousy even when he swore he was not a jealous guy.
There were a few times he kissed me in public without realizing it.
And we were always touching in one way or another when we were out
with my friends. His friends and family our relationship was
completely hidden and they were only to know we were friends. They
weren't stupid, but they didn't ever bring it up again.

Shortly after the last girl we began to get closer, to the point that
one night he allowed me to tell him a list of reasons we were perfect
for each other. Knowing that he didn't want me to love him I was
afraid of a fallout after telling him. I was shocked when his
response ended up being "I've been thinking the same thing for the
last month." For months after he'd pull away and we'd get closer
again over and over. Things were looking really well for us.

My spring break was supposed to be entirely devoted to us, but every
night he was supposed to come over something came up. On the night
that he promised he definitely wouldn't let anything come in my way
because it was my last spring break weekend, I had gotten really
paranoid that day that something was going to keep us apart that night
too. My paranoia led to a major fight because he thought I was
accusing him of already breaking plans. The fight continued all
night. I went out to a bar to see some old friends I hadn't talked to
in forever and try to put the pain out of my mind. A few hours later
he showed up at the same bar. I made up my mind to avoid him. It was
going ok until one of my friends pointed out that he was there with
another girl. The next morning he admitted he'd been going out with
her for three weeks. Those same three weeks that we'd been making so
many plans together, sleeping together, and him staying over to wake
up with me in the morning.

I had fallen so much in love with him by this point that when he told
me I literally threw up. After talking for a while though his
arguments about me loving him seemed to fall away. He asked if we
could have a friendship without intimacy and before I could answer he
admitted with a laugh that we couldn't. He had told me that after all
the girls he'd ever been with I was his best, and it wasn't a lie.
And he too was my best. And we both could admit that we couldn't live
without each other in any way, friend or intimacy. Neither of us knew
what to do from there. I pointed out all of the times people thought
he was in love with me too and soon he stopped fighting it. He even
admitted that he wouldn't be with this girl for very long. And he
even admitted for the first time ever that if I found someone else
he'd be jealous and have an extremely hard time with it. After
leaving me more comforted than before, he hung up promising to call me
after his shower. He never called again that day. I hadn't eaten,
showered, changed, or slept in two days by the following morning. I
had lost so much weight it made me feel even sicker. That night I got
him on the phone finally when I called assuming he wouldn't answer.
He had completely changed. Again he was yelling at me for loving him,
telling me I was being ridiculous for it, and more. Needless to say I
threw up again. And then I called my mom to cry. He had promised to
call back in a few hours but I wasn't sure.

He did call back. And we argued more. He said he could never love me
and would never love me. He told me that when he cried the week
before saying he couldn't live without me he meant it as "just
friends". He said that if I couldn't stop loving him then we could
never see each other or talk again. He knows that I'm the only one
that supports his career dreams and only helping him achieve them and
told me that he'd learn how to live without it if he couldn't have me
in his life. He told me he didn't want to fall in love or have a
serious relationship because of how his 5 year ex had left him, even
admitting that as a friend I might have came into his life at the
right time to help him through that relationship, but as something
more it was the wrong time entirely. And that since I already seemed
so serious about him that he felt being with me would be like having
to put a ring on my finger immediately. He told me not to wait for
him because it could be next year or five years down the road (this
time not mentioning we'd never be a couple).

In the mix of all these arguments and promises of "never" he always
slips up and leaves a lot of hope and confusion as can be seen
earlier. In regards to our futures planned together he always said
when I published my first book (a book he dreamed up and wanted me to
write) he'd steal me away from fans at my book signing to ravish me.
How is that supposed to be seen as "just friends"? That's what he
said the future he planned for us was. He told me that when I saw him
at the bar with this new girlfriend that the reason he had his arms
around her was because she was intimidated by me, afraid of me
stealing him away, and wanted to come talk to me. I pointed out that
she'd never met me, he'd only told her I was a friend, and I
completely avoided them at the bar (when I saw them holding each other
I cried in the bathroom to avoid drama). To me her intimidation could
only come from his actions towards me and not mine, another viewpoint
on people seeing the need for me in his eyes.

He had promised me the most unimaginable night out I ever would have
experienced for my birthday in three weeks. He asked why we couldn't
still do it and go as just friends. When I told him that if his
girlfriend was already intimidated by me that she wouldn't possibly
let him go, he made some excuse that didn't even make sense. And he
had planned an amazing summer vacation for us both on the beach for
two weeks. He said that was meant as just friends too but intimacy
was a major part of that plan. He forgets his own words and his own
plans. I feel like everything I had to look forward to has now become
extinct.

Not only am I faced with the general dilemma of waiting for him to
notice his love, but I'm faced with new dilemma of his ultimatum:
Either I stop loving him and we be just friends while he dates
around...or...we never talk or see each other again and I lose my
friend and lover. I don't want to lose either. I really really don't
want to lose his friendship, but at the same time our friendship has
never been just friendship and I don't know how to not feel
heartbroken when he's with someone else. I don't know what to do.
His actions show he does love me as more than a friend, and sometimes
his words do too like when he says he doesn't want to lose me to
someone else (and I promise it's not just his wanting to have his cake
and eat it too while dating someone else). We're both confused, but
he's fighting it so hard. I am still willing to wait for him because
I know he does want me and I know that he's not ready yet to love.
I've been through this before and had a long and happy relationship
with my ex until some things just couldn't be avoided like a lot of
relationships. I'm afraid if I do walk out on our friendship that not
only will I lose my truest best friend but I'll also lose any hope of
him realizing he loves me and also that he'll lose out on his own
future because he doesn't have my support. But I'm also afraid that
if I promise him just friendship that we'll both have a hard time
adjusting which will make me fall in love again and make him pull away
again when he starts having feelings for me again too. I'm lost. I'm
hurting. And I love him, more so than I ever did my ex-husband. I
know we should be together, but I just don't know if he'll let himself
admit it.

I know this is long and I'm so sorry. The people that truly know me
inside and out really do think he's the one for me, even my mom, but
she also suggests I move on until he decides he's ready. The friends
that I see irregularly and don't understand me tell me he's not worth
it which only makes it hurt more. When my ex and I separated I swore
I'd never fall in love again and hadn't planned on it, I even stopped
having sex for well over a year...until I met this guy. Love at first
sight for the second time in my life. I don't want to do it again. I
want to stop feeling punished and be happy with him like I feel when
it's just us and we're not arguing, when we're perfect. Am I really a
fool or is it possible that he just needs to see that he needs me as
more than a friend?
(He's 26, I'm 24)

I really think it would be best for you to TRY and be friends with him (NO INTIMACY WHATSOEVER) and try dating other people.

You can still see him, but try not to spend too much time with him alone. Treat him like you would treat a brother, or at least try. For the time being, you need to do that so your heart can heal and you can move on. If you have phone conversations, try not to have them anymore than once a week. Probably no more than you would call your other friends.

You don't have to immediately start dating other people. Spend more time with your friends. Throw yourself into work or that book you were writing. Do fun things just for YOU. Do things that make YOU happy. Eventually, you'll meet new people and you can start dating other guys.

I know you love this guy. And reading your story shows that you do, but he sounds very confused right now. He was hurt and it doesn't sound like he knows what he wants. Give him time to sort out his life and in the meantime keep living yours. You cannot force this man to see you as more than a friend. It has to be his choice. After all, if he ever does come back to you, wouldn't you rather it be because he really cares for you and not because he's still confused in the head about what he wants?

No matter how happy you may feel with him now, he will never be truly yours until he sorts out his life and gets his feelings in order. I'm not telling you he isn't worth it. I'm not telling you there's no way he doesn't love you. I am simply telling you to give him space. And the next time he changes his mind and decides to "be with you," tell him to stop messing with your head. Tell him you don't want to be with him unless he's going to be true to you. Tell him you don't want to be with him unless he actually WANTS to be with you and not because he's looking for rebound/fallback/sex.

What's meant to be will be. Just let things flow and keep living your life.

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my boyfreind tells me i dont act like his girlfreind. i dont get it. what can i do to be a better girlfriend? ive only had one boyfriend before so i guess i dont have much experience. i mean we kiss a lot and have sex but he still tells me i dont act like it. what can i do?

Talk to him about this. Tell him to be more specific. What exactly does he expect from you?

In the end, that's kind of rude of him to say. He should like/love you for the way you are no matter how you act. He's dating you and you shouldn't have to change anything about yourself.

If you really want to please him, I guess a few minor changes wouldn't hurt. Maybe do random sweet things for him like love notes and such.

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Hi, I'm the girl who needed advice with the boyfriend and how we have to wait a year to date. Yeah. Well thing is..I'd hang out with him all the time and we'd still date if it weren't for my parents saying we aren't aloud to see each other.

I know its weird, they love him. but They want me to mature without being with him? So Any other advice there? I'm not even really supposed to be talking to him..Ya know? So What do i do? I don't want to risk having to wait even longer so I'm trying to abide by the rules. yet we still text..not too bad. I like the communication there.

Also, We've made a promise that no matter who we are with in a year when we can hang out we will have a night together just to see if the flame can be rekindled.

Idk just some more background info.
Any other more advice now that you know i'm not really supposed to be seeing/talking to him like we used to?

-Thanks,
"Waiting"

Ask your parents if it's ok to hang out with him if it's with a bunch of other people. As long as you ask them about it, I'm sure a reasonable compromise can be reached.

Maybe you could request one phone call a week? It's ridiculous to sever ALL contact for an entire year. Even if it's just a 15-20 minute chat to catch up, I really don't understand why your parents wouldn't want you to. Texting is good, like you said.

Perhaps your parents will allow him over for a "family dinner" like once a month or something. That way you can spend time together and your parents can be included.

The best thing to do, like I said, is talk it out with your parents and try to come up with some reasonable compromises.

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