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Getting Married Soon
21/f
I am getting married soon, but there are still some issues bugging me that I thought my fiance and I had resolved.
- He smokes
I know this is a personal choice for him but it does affect me. If I really don't like it, shouldn't he at least try not to smoke in front of me? He only started doing this recently, before this he used to hide the fact that he smoked (cause he knows I hate it) and lie to my face when I would ask.
- He brings home his friends porn
He swears up and down that it's not his. Fine, but if you know I don't like it then don't bring it into our home. If it is your friends property then let your friend keep it, no?
- He has MOOD SWINGS like you would not believe. One minute he is all sweet and cuddly and the next he's scowling with a nasty attitude.
- He doesn't like to think about the future, aka he has no idea what he wants as a career (although he has a good job for the time being) and he doesn't even put thought into it.
I don't know what to do. These are things that seriously bother me. I've brought these issues to his attention and nothing changes, or it changes for a week or two then we're back to square one.
There is also stuff from the past and I try to let it go but then he shows me that he doesn't have the will to change.
I'm supposed to be getting married in 3 months! HELP.
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Talk to him about it. There's really no other way to get around that, and if he won't talk about it then maybe you should consider putting the date off for longer until these things get worked out or even ending them all together. Hope I helped =).
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well i wish i could help. i have to tell you now tho that what you see going on in ur relationship now is how it's gonna be in the future. if you're aren't ok with the future you might wanna consider what to do about this man.
also:
it's been said that people who don't know what they wanna do in life as a career usually don't tend to hold a job long because they get bored of it.
second... mood swings is not something you should be dealing with even before marriage.
third... if you've talked to him about this and he only lasted 1 or 2 weeks then you really need to figure out if you want to marry this guy
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I hate to say it but your relationship
isn't ready for marriage. Don't make the
mistake of getting married and trying to
fix it later, that just doesn't work.
If you have a problem with smoking, and
he isn't willing to compromise and smoke
outside you have a problem. You probably
have one anyway because if he smokes a
lot you'll never see him. He'll go outside
or to a friends who doesn't mind.
Porn. If he likes it and you don't want
it around just tell him to watch it with
friends. You don't want it in your home.
Mood swings. This probably won't get any
better anytime soon.
The future. He may find that he is content
just doing whatever he is doing now. If he
doesn't give it a thought, thats probably
why. If what he's doing doesn't go along
with what you want in a husband, don't
marry.
You need to talk. I know you have already,
but I mean a "is this really going to work"
talk. Serious and honest. Communication
is the most important thing in a marriage.
If either has to lie about anything so the
other doesn't find out, it isn't going to
work. If there isn't compromise on both
parts, so everyone can do what they want
and be happy about it, it isn't going to
work.
Good luck. :)
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I have only one thing to say to you, when you marry someone you marry them as is. People are not used cars that can be rebuilt. You say yes to this man at the alter, you have agreed to take his flaws as well as what is good in him. Many have made the mistake in thinking I can change him/her, only to find themselves divorced a year or so later. If you're going to marry a guy, that is what you will get, if you want a man, wait for him to actually become one.
Be well
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Wanting to change your significant other before marrying them is a bad sign. If things like this are seriously bothering you, you should reconsider your marriage. I know that isn't something you want to hear, but it's the truth. Compromises need to be made and if he isn't willing to make an effort on his end, maybe marriage isn't such a good idea right now.
Smoking- Don't make him feel like he has to lie about it. If he lights up in front of you, just walk away. Don't make any comments that it bothers you; simply leave the room. If he wants to make the decision to smoke, then he is not allowed to spend time with you when he does.
Porn- All guys like porn. This is a fact of life. I deal with it with my boyfriend. It will never change and women like us need to learn to deal with it. I would give your guy a simple warning: what you don't know won't hurt you. If he wants to watch it, that's none of your business, but you shouldn't have to find out about it or have it lying around the house. As long as he keeps those private things to himself, let it be. Give him space to keep what he wants in the house. If it's inappropriate, just make sure to have him keep it out of sight.
Mood swings- When he starts getting an attitude, keep a smile on your face. Don't let him spoil your good moods. If he wants to be pouty, go do something fun. I'm sure that this is a stressful time in his life (with the marriage and not knowing what he wants to do), so that could contribute to those mood swings. All you can do is stay calm and be sweet to him. If he wants to be in a bad mood then it's his loss.
Future- As long as he has a decent job and is bringing in money for support, I wouldn't worry about it. Let him make his own decisions and learn from his mistakes. I know it bothers you just because you want the best for him, but pushing him about it will only make things more miserable between you.
You can't stress over the things you can't change. You can either embrace them or get rid of the cause.
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