I am a 20 year old History undergraduate and I feel like my life is falling apart. The past two months have been very difficult from being filled with my stupidity. I found out I was pregnant mid-March and had an abortion two weeks ago and the guilt is eating me up. I keep reliving the experience in my dreams, or, worse, I dream that I am still pregnant and wake up hopelessly disappointed (I am regretting this decision so much). I was supposed to take a pregnancy test on Friday to confirm that I am no longer pregnant and I can't bring myself to do it because I'm scared of seeing the negative result. My boyfriend resents me heavily for the choice and so refuses to talk about it with me, but I completely understand I can't say I would react any differently now. My parents were so strongly for the abortion that I don't want to tell them how I'm feeling now that it's been done.
I initially felt I made the right choice: I'm too young; I have no family who could help me because my only relatives (my parents) moved (as already planned) to Saudi Arabia a week after my abortion; I have no money; and my boyfriend is leaving to study in California at the end of this semester. Now, though, I feel it was a selfish thing to do. I took another life for my convince, really, when I could have just given the baby up if I couldn't actually care for it. I know people who had children younger than I am now and who coped marvelously. I murdered and it is haunting me.
Not only this, but around the time I discovered I was pregnant, I had a flare up of Ulcerative Colitis (I was diagnosed age 16 and had been previously without symptoms for 2 years). The illness greatly affects my general feeling of well-being and I am too embarrassed to tell my friends so they just don't understand. I feel entirely alone and isolated with this entire thing, especially now that I have two "secrets" to hide from my friends (I am so embarrassed for having the abortion). I'm in a total rut that I can't seem to drag myself out of. I have a history of self-harm and I refuse to resort to that but it's getting so much harder to resist. I feel like I have no one to talk to who can understand that what I did was horrible and not hate me for it.
I have exams starting tomorrow that, as a result of the events of the past few weeks, I am ill prepared for and I just don't know how to cope with any of this. I want to stay in bed forever and never get up. I wish it never happened. Please, please help me...
You might not like my answer, because this is a very controversial and touchy subject.
First, I have no idea what your going through. I know it must be hard to live with the regret that you have.
Second...Now, this is the advice you might not like, but I would advise you to see a religious counselor. Whether your catholic, baptist, jewish, another religion, or even agnostic, you should be able to talk to someone about your worries. You might be ashamed to talk to your friends or family about this, but you might be able to talk to a religious leader about what your going through.
I don't believe that you deserve to be in as much pain as you are, especially since you have as much remorse as you plainly seem to.
I'm not saying that talking to someone about it will suddenly make everything better, or acceptable to you, but it couldn't hurt. It might help you put things into perspective.
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Excellent idea. I hadn't really given that much thought. I'm in such a difficult place now...maybe that's where I should turn to since everything seems to be crumbling in my life now. Thank you for your help. It was really great advice and I'm glad you said it.
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