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Regretting the abortion now
I am a 20 year old History undergraduate and I feel like my life is falling apart. The past two months have been very difficult from being filled with my stupidity. I found out I was pregnant mid-March and had an abortion two weeks ago and the guilt is eating me up. I keep reliving the experience in my dreams, or, worse, I dream that I am still pregnant and wake up hopelessly disappointed (I am regretting this decision so much). I was supposed to take a pregnancy test on Friday to confirm that I am no longer pregnant and I can't bring myself to do it because I'm scared of seeing the negative result. My boyfriend resents me heavily for the choice and so refuses to talk about it with me, but I completely understand I can't say I would react any differently now. My parents were so strongly for the abortion that I don't want to tell them how I'm feeling now that it's been done.
I initially felt I made the right choice: I'm too young; I have no family who could help me because my only relatives (my parents) moved (as already planned) to Saudi Arabia a week after my abortion; I have no money; and my boyfriend is leaving to study in California at the end of this semester. Now, though, I feel it was a selfish thing to do. I took another life for my convince, really, when I could have just given the baby up if I couldn't actually care for it. I know people who had children younger than I am now and who coped marvelously. I murdered and it is haunting me.
Not only this, but around the time I discovered I was pregnant, I had a flare up of Ulcerative Colitis (I was diagnosed age 16 and had been previously without symptoms for 2 years). The illness greatly affects my general feeling of well-being and I am too embarrassed to tell my friends so they just don't understand. I feel entirely alone and isolated with this entire thing, especially now that I have two "secrets" to hide from my friends (I am so embarrassed for having the abortion). I'm in a total rut that I can't seem to drag myself out of. I have a history of self-harm and I refuse to resort to that but it's getting so much harder to resist. I feel like I have no one to talk to who can understand that what I did was horrible and not hate me for it.
I have exams starting tomorrow that, as a result of the events of the past few weeks, I am ill prepared for and I just don't know how to cope with any of this. I want to stay in bed forever and never get up. I wish it never happened. Please, please help me...
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
You might not like my answer, because this is a very controversial and touchy subject.
First, I have no idea what your going through. I know it must be hard to live with the regret that you have.
Second...Now, this is the advice you might not like, but I would advise you to see a religious counselor. Whether your catholic, baptist, jewish, another religion, or even agnostic, you should be able to talk to someone about your worries. You might be ashamed to talk to your friends or family about this, but you might be able to talk to a religious leader about what your going through.
I don't believe that you deserve to be in as much pain as you are, especially since you have as much remorse as you plainly seem to.
I'm not saying that talking to someone about it will suddenly make everything better, or acceptable to you, but it couldn't hurt. It might help you put things into perspective.
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You didn't take another life, you stopped one from occurring. Can't murder what isn't alive and human.
EDIT:
Mmm, doesn't work that way. Just because something has the potential to be a human life doesn't make it human. You said it yourself; clump of cells. Gnats are made up of clumps of cells, but you wouldn't think twice about killing one.
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Well, I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. My fist words to you is FORGIVE YOURSELF. I know that it was a big decision for you and a hard one, but you have to understand that there are so many people who make such tough choices.
The first step is to take the pregnancy test. The second is to talk to your boyfriend, let him know how hard it was for you to do what you did and how it is affecting you now ( really talk to him don't be afraid to cry. show your true emotions).
Forgive yourself honey, at least try to. GOD forgives us for our sins and transgressions. There is no big and small sin in his eyes. Ask GOD to forgive you (if you haven't already), and once you do, and mean it sincerely HE will forgive you. And you can begin the process of forgiving yourself.
I hope that this helps you out. Stay strong!!!!
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Here are a couple of websites that offer support and referrals for your situation, which is a lot more common than people would have you believe. You are not alone.
www.silentnomoreawareness.org
www.wcmr.org
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Oh sweetie, I feel for you. My best friend had an abortion last year, and I was by her side the whole time. The problem with abortions is that they take care of you medically, but not psychologically. It's a very hard thing to deal with. Everybody goes through second-guessing afterwards, unless they're a terrible person.
First off, you are not a murderer. It was not a baby, it was a clump of cells. It didn't have consciousness, it didn't have feelings. Some may tell you that you ended a life, but it really hadn't started yet. It may not make you feel any better, but it is the truth.
You didn't do this for no reason, or for your convenience. You did what was best for you and the potential child, and that's what you need to do right now. You couldn't offer anything that a baby would need right now, and you recognized that fact, unlike the thousands of people every year who keep procreating despite their inability to support their children. As for adoption, it is an option, yes. It is not as easy as it seems, though.
Bringing a child into the world carries a great deal of responsibility with it. You and your boyfriend would never have stopped being parents, even if you had given up your baby for adoption. You would always wonder how they are, where they are, if they are happy or sad or lonely. Unless you had an open adoption, you'd never know. That's a huge burden to bear at the age of 20.
Some people can cope with having children at a young age, this is true. My mother was 20 and a college student when I was born. You weren't ready, and that is fine. You didn't make this decision because it would interfere with your ability to party; you made the decision because you felt that you could not bring a child into the situation you were in. That was a mature and responsible decision.
Does your school provide free counselling services? If they do, you should try to get in to see a professional. You're suffering from a depressive episode, and may need medical treatment for that. They may also be able to help with deferring or delaying exams.
Your boyfriend also needs to man up and be there for you. If he won't stay with you through this, how would he have handled an unplanned baby?
Life is not over. This was one ordeal of many that you will experience. Be strong, and take care of yourself. You are not a bad person.
NOTE: Sorry I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear. I just thought that by trying to get you to see things another way, you might feel better. Also, I totally agree that a clump of cells has life, but it does not have consciousness yet. It has no brain, and therefore is not capable of self-awareness. That is what I meant. If it helps you, by all means dwell on the past, but my main message was to keep moving forward, because you can't change the past and you've got a whole long life to live. I'm sorry that you felt that my answer was not up to par.
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Hey there, listen...
I know you want to just tear yourself apart for what has happened to you in the past few months & years, but it's not the solution.
The abortion was an act of fear and insecurity, and it led you down this depression.
Let me tell you, (even though I am just a guy) that I know almost how you feel.
It's a heavy burden to carry.
What happened, happened. There's no going back, but that doesn't mean you should just burrow into your emotions.
Don't let them drive you. You'll feel much worse if you do.
Just breathe in, and realize that this is what life is like.
As much as all of us here want to deny it.
Someone once told me that everything happens for a reason.
Well, YOU make the reason.
Learn from this. Grow. Rebirth.
It's not entirely your fault; people will do much worse things when they are under pressure or feel indecisive about something.
Coming from what you said, I'm assuming you're somewhat religious.
But I want you to go and take that pregnancy test. Leaving it off won't do you any good, and it may bring more consequences.
Remember that whatever happens, there will always be forgiveness.
Those who fall, can get back up.
Those who refuse to accept what happens, may never get back up.
You have a conscience, something that many others lack.
Use that conscience and this experience to plan for the future.
Believe in yourself.
I know you can get through this.
And, if you can't tell those secrets to at least one of your friends, then...are they truly your friends?
Or are they just there to fill in spots?
You need someone or a group of people to talk to.
Don't keep secrets.
The secrets within your mind cry for light.
Ease yourself.
Do anything it takes.
Even try some music. Music always helps a bit here and there. It's like nourishment for the soul.
In fact, try a band called Skillet if you think you're up to it. Their music is uplifting and inspiring.
(Rebirthing by Skillet)
I wish you the best of luck, and study hard for those exams.
Passing those exams is near the top of your list to get back on your feet.
God bless you (If you're religious),
-XZ
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