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So clingy
18/f.
I really need help. Throughout my life I've always noticed that i'm very clingy and needy and I always need reassurances that people like me. It pushes people away and i'm totally aware of that but I feel like there's no way I can stop myself from doing whatever it is that I do. I always push people away in relationships because I have such high expectations for what they should do and how they should treat me, and it's really causing me problems. It leads to arguments and all-around them realizing it's not worth it.
I really want help in figuring out what it is I have to do to stop being like this. I don't want to push the guy I have no away, because I really do love him, but it's like.. I don't know what to do. He's so good to me, but the second he mentions that he's going somewhere or he's busy or whatever, I absolutely freak out inside. Its like I take it so personally that he cant talk, and it's terrible. I get these ideas that if he really loved me like he says, he would just wanna talk to me nonstop. Please give me some advice on how to put up with this kind of situation, how to not push him away.
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Problems like this usually stem from someone important leaving early on in your life (either from death or intentionally). Has this happened to you? Your clingy-ness is probably an attempt to control your environment and prevent a similar situation. You may seek constant reassurance in order to be sure the future will indeed be the stable and secure place you need it to be. You don't take to change well. Its encouraging that you recognize this as a problem at such a young age. Your are very self-aware, and that is a good thing. I think the best thing for this is to seek counseling, either professionally or through a church/spiritual leader whom you trust. You are NOT crazy. Sometimes having an objective party to explore the root causes of your feelings with you can be enough to free you. Until you can find help, you'll have to work on your own to relax a little bit when people don't live up to your expectations. The next time you call your boyfriend and he can't talk, AS HARD AS IT MAY BE, say "Ok, will you just call me when you get some time?" and then leave it at that. Then back off and wait, read a book, do something you like to take your mind off all the horrible, self-deprecating thoughts that usually flood your mind. When he calls back, great! Next time it happens, do the same thing, reminding yourself that he did indeed keep his word the last time, he can do it again. Like anything else, if you want to be good at this, you have to practice, so look at it as a process. And do get help. Releasing yourself from this awful prison of stress at such an early age can leave you free to pursue a wonderful, happy, healthy future.
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You have to understand that people are only human. They cannot be perfect no matter how hard they try because humans are not perfect. No matter how great your boyfriend is, at times, he is going to get busy. That doesn't mean he loves you less than he did yesterday when he wasn't busy. It just means that he has a life and has things to do.
If you find someone that literally has every second to spend talking to you, there is something severely wrong with that person.
Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes. Do you have every second to spend talking to your boyfriend? Do you not have school/work? You never want to hang out with friends or family? You never want to go to the mall or see a movie? You never want to sleep or just be alone and write/listen to music/read/draw?
The only thing you have to do in order to not push him away is be more understanding and less selfish. I'm not trying to be rude, but it's selfish to think that if your boyfriend really loved you, he would spend every second of his life with you or talking to you.
Can you imagine if you wanted to get off the phone to go see a movie and your boyfriend said, "Ugh! You don't really love me then!" As you have seen in the past, no one wants to be around you then.
When you're starting to feel panicky because he's getting off the phone, just let it go. You have to. You'll be alone your entire life if you don't just let it go. Get some hobbies. Writing, drawing, painting, photography, sports, music, reading, movies. Absolutely anything that you can do to occupy your time. Get some friends and hang out with them when your boyfriend is going to hang out with his friends.
You can't be so clingy because you start smothering people and they just want to escape. You just have to stop. Don't make excuses for yourself. Don't say well, because of this, I'm like this. Don't feel entitled to be so clingy. It's great that you're even asking this question because it shows that you want to change. But I have to be as blunt as possible in order to really get the point across.
Your boyfriend doesn't care about you less just because he has his own life and his own things to do every once in a while. It would be a completely different case if he was constantly going to hang out with friends and never took the time to talk to you. But as you've described him, he sounds like a really good guy. He's sweet to you and everything. Be appreciative instead of wanting more, more, more.
One person can only do so much. I think it's also important for you to keep in mind that this has nothing to do with your boyfriend. This is all about you and your insecurities, your needs for constant reassurance. You've seen that being clingy just assures that you get dumped, so try something new.
Listen to the good things people say about you and realise that they are true. When you start to feel as though you're going to start a fight over something silly (your boyfriend hanging out with his friends one time), stop yourself. Do whatever it is that you have to do to stop yourself. If you have to write down how you feel, by all means, do it! If you have to watch a movie to get your mind off of it or draw it out or get on the computer. Just do anything to not let yourself get to that point where you're going to get too clingy.
Good luck,
Darby(:
(sorry this is so long)
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