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My husband's parents recently brought up the idea of buying a large piece of property in my town so they, my husband and I, and my brother-in-law and his family can all live together. We will each have our own house on the property so it will be something like a family commune.
I'm against the idea. They tend to be nosy and don't see a problem with dropping in unannounced and expecting to be entertained. There is also the fact that they do not like me and go out of their way to make sure I know that. They have went so far as to tell me that I'm a bad wife and tell my husband he made a mistake marrying me. I have told my husband that if they do move here, I want to move somewhere else. He is also against the idea. He sees their obvious dislike of me and also doesn't like the idea of the loss of privacy. I spoke to my sister-in-law and she said that she and her husband are against the idea as well. She also mentioned that she would want to move if they move here.
My problem is this: no one will tell my in-laws that they don't like the idea. I'm afraid that if no one says something, my in-laws are going to take that as acceptance of their idea and go forward with it. They already have started the search for property. Once they buy the property, we'll all feel obligated to move onto it, even though it's going to make us miserable. My husband and his brother say that they can't stop them if they want to move here. If I or my sister-in-law say something, we run the risk of being accused of keeping them from their sons and grandchildren.
How would you handle a situation like this? (link)
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"Once they buy the property, we'll all feel obligated to move onto it..."
No. That's the point that you have to put a stop to things. They can't drag you and your children out of your home.
But if you wait until they've already bought the property, you'll be facing a world of blame and anger. Because they'll be able to say that you KNEW that they were buying the property on the assumption that you and your sibling-in-laws would move in and (presumably) share the costs.
Now, there are a lot of good excuses, depending on what your in-laws already know about you. You could tell them that you're attached to your current house, and would hate to leave. You could tell them that you're locked into your mortgage. Perhaps school districts could be an excuse.
All of those are white lies, of course, but I think they're justifiable.
But if it comes down to it, and there's no other choice, you really need to force your husband and his brother and your sister-in-law to bite the bullet. You all need to get together, agree on a united front, and tell your parents-in-law that much as you love them, you (plural) don't want to give up your current homes. Period.
Depending on how you feel you could tell them that you'd be happy to have them live in the neighborhood; they may decide to do that whether you want them to or not. But you'd be really smart to team up with your husband and his brother and your sister-in-law, and lay down some rules: no visiting without calling first.
Yes, your parents-in-law will bitch and moan. They'll do their best to split their sons off from you and your s-i-l. But if the four of you can stick together, you'll be individually much less hurt than if you simply let this demanding couple run your lives.
Because it won't stop, you know. Once you're living in their commune, they'll insist on setting the rules - all sorts of rules. And they'll push it, and push it, and push it until the whole thing explodes in their faces. It would be a kindness to THEM as well as the rest of you, to nip this situation in the bud now.
Solidarity is the key. All four of you need to be in synch on this, and to refuse to get into any personality or blame games - period. Get together in advance and prepare yourselves. Talk about possible situations, and how you might deal with them.
It's also possible that your parents-in-law may try to somehow get to you through your kids. Give some thought to how you might prepare your children to cope with blandishments from their grandparents.
And make VERY sure that your parents-in-law don't have keys to your house.
Good luck!
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Rating: 5
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Thanks. I'm going to try to get everyone together.
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