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In-laws too close for comfort
My husband's parents recently brought up the idea of buying a large piece of property in my town so they, my husband and I, and my brother-in-law and his family can all live together. We will each have our own house on the property so it will be something like a family commune.
I'm against the idea. They tend to be nosy and don't see a problem with dropping in unannounced and expecting to be entertained. There is also the fact that they do not like me and go out of their way to make sure I know that. They have went so far as to tell me that I'm a bad wife and tell my husband he made a mistake marrying me. I have told my husband that if they do move here, I want to move somewhere else. He is also against the idea. He sees their obvious dislike of me and also doesn't like the idea of the loss of privacy. I spoke to my sister-in-law and she said that she and her husband are against the idea as well. She also mentioned that she would want to move if they move here.
My problem is this: no one will tell my in-laws that they don't like the idea. I'm afraid that if no one says something, my in-laws are going to take that as acceptance of their idea and go forward with it. They already have started the search for property. Once they buy the property, we'll all feel obligated to move onto it, even though it's going to make us miserable. My husband and his brother say that they can't stop them if they want to move here. If I or my sister-in-law say something, we run the risk of being accused of keeping them from their sons and grandchildren.
How would you handle a situation like this?
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That is, indeed, a very tough situation. I would probably have my husband have the talk with his parents, because they're more likely to accept this from him. You say that there's a chance you'll be accused of trying to keep them from seeing your husband and children -- but I'm sure you doubt he'll get accused of something like that. If husband's brother and his wife feel the same way, the brother may want to join in on this conversation as well, but it may make the parents feel like they're being bombarded. Hope I helped!
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This is a very tricky situation your in and you know what you have to do and the outcome probably isnt going to come out the way you want it to. Your just going to have to tell them how ALL of yall feel, not just you. Living with or near family when your married and have your own life is a big NO-NO it never ever ever works out for the best.It will probably end up causeing a wedge between you and your husband and you dont want that. So make a sacrifice and tell her in the nicest way how you and your husband, his brother & wife all feel. The brothers really should be the ones to tell there parents that but I can see why they dont. So your choices are: Cause some hurt feelins with the in laws and keep your marriage or live near them and have there nosey butts over there all the time and you and your husband miserable. Good luck girl
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I'm guessin there movin there is either to break up your marriage or control your lives. Someone needs to stand up to them and maybe it should be your husband. Talk it over with him and tell him you feel the same way as him and resolves things....
The best thing wouldn't be to move when they move by u...so it's better jus to tell them about it before. And yes it will be tough if you talk up so try to get ur husband to do the talkin
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If my in-laws, or even my own parents suggested such a thing, I would have laughed at them the moment it was suggested and think it was a joke. Not for a moment would I let them think it was even a possibility.
Your right, as long as no says anything, your in-laws will think this is a good idea. And the longer you wait, the more upset they'll be when you tell them no.
Someone has to speak up now - especially since everyone is against the idea. They are your husband's parents. Why isn't he speaking up?
Why can't everyone just be honest? That no one likes the idea and it's not going to happen. You like your privacy, and you don't want to live next door to the entire family. You are perfectly happy where you are.
Yes, you can't stop them from moving, but you also have no reason to feel obligated to build a new house and live next door.
Tell you husband to end this fiasco tell his parents the truth. It's a no, end of discussion.
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"Once they buy the property, we'll all feel obligated to move onto it..."
No. That's the point that you have to put a stop to things. They can't drag you and your children out of your home.
But if you wait until they've already bought the property, you'll be facing a world of blame and anger. Because they'll be able to say that you KNEW that they were buying the property on the assumption that you and your sibling-in-laws would move in and (presumably) share the costs.
Now, there are a lot of good excuses, depending on what your in-laws already know about you. You could tell them that you're attached to your current house, and would hate to leave. You could tell them that you're locked into your mortgage. Perhaps school districts could be an excuse.
All of those are white lies, of course, but I think they're justifiable.
But if it comes down to it, and there's no other choice, you really need to force your husband and his brother and your sister-in-law to bite the bullet. You all need to get together, agree on a united front, and tell your parents-in-law that much as you love them, you (plural) don't want to give up your current homes. Period.
Depending on how you feel you could tell them that you'd be happy to have them live in the neighborhood; they may decide to do that whether you want them to or not. But you'd be really smart to team up with your husband and his brother and your sister-in-law, and lay down some rules: no visiting without calling first.
Yes, your parents-in-law will bitch and moan. They'll do their best to split their sons off from you and your s-i-l. But if the four of you can stick together, you'll be individually much less hurt than if you simply let this demanding couple run your lives.
Because it won't stop, you know. Once you're living in their commune, they'll insist on setting the rules - all sorts of rules. And they'll push it, and push it, and push it until the whole thing explodes in their faces. It would be a kindness to THEM as well as the rest of you, to nip this situation in the bud now.
Solidarity is the key. All four of you need to be in synch on this, and to refuse to get into any personality or blame games - period. Get together in advance and prepare yourselves. Talk about possible situations, and how you might deal with them.
It's also possible that your parents-in-law may try to somehow get to you through your kids. Give some thought to how you might prepare your children to cope with blandishments from their grandparents.
And make VERY sure that your parents-in-law don't have keys to your house.
Good luck!
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You don't have a good relationship with them anyways. They've already accused you of being a bad wife so them accusing you of trying to keep their sons and grandchildren away isn't going to destroy the relationship you have with them or anything like that. I think that the best thing to do would be to get everyone together for a sort of family meeting, as cliche as that sounds. You can organize it and be the black sheep for a little while, but once you get it all started, other people will chime in. Someone just has to initiate it. If people don't want to do something they're going to stick up for themselves once they feel comfortable doing it. You can create that comfort by getting it all started. Everyone else is just too afraid to be the one to bring it up. I hope that everything gets straightened out and I wish you luck!
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Ideal scenario would be that the brothers get out from under the control of their parents and speak up.
A simple, "Buy property where you want to, but me and my wife will choose our own place to live" would be nice!
They are right that they can't tell them where to live. They do not have to be roped into building on the property though.
If all else fails, and you don't think it would cause YOU problems, get with your sister in law and tell them yourselves.
I'm afraid if you don't it will cause marital problems down the line. Once the distance you have now is gone....those brothers are going to be under the parents control even more. They will be expected to run to them and do their bidding at the drop of a hat! Not good at all.
I would tell my hubby to grow some brass ones and speak up. :)
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