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I've been in love with a man for the last 3 years. I've never felt such strong feelings for a guy in my life. I believe that he loves me too. The problem is that he's married. I've never crossed the line with him. We've never even kissed but have exchanged loving glances. He knows how I feel and that I've been suffering in silence. We have so much in common and have similiar values.
He has a very rocky marriage. Everyone knows he and his wife arent happy. They work together at a cafe and they fight like cats and dogs. They have nothing in common and I've heard that she has several addictions, including drugs and gambling. They have no kids together but she has two grown children from her first marriage. They don't respect my friend and steal from him. She is abusive to him and takes his money to gamble or spend on cigaretes.
He is a gentleman and a christian and would never ask me to have an affair. I've already told him I don't believe in extra marital affairs because my dad cheated on my mom. But he has never indicated that he wanted to leave her for me. He is very shy and reserved, and sometimes I think he's in denial of his feelings for me, or scared of his feelings for me.
I am young (mid 20's) and have lots of guys after me. But I don't want to date any one because I am in love with my married friend. I don't want to have an affair either. I feel a lot of guilt because after my dad cheated on my mom I vowed to never do what my dad did. What should I do? (link)
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Your beliefs, and his beliefs, seem to make this a pretty clear-cut question. If you want to be true to what you believe in, you can't date him. If the time comes that he decides to divorce, things may change, of course. But it would be an enormous mistake to spend your life waiting and hoping that he will divorce.
Because in no time at all you will be thirty, and then forty, wondering what happened to your life and cursing your mid-20's self for making an enormous and irrevocable mistake.
Here's a secret: as you get older, time speeds up. A LOT. No matter how well you think you understand that, the reality is always an unpleasant surprise.
So I recommend that you try and distance yourself from him. I realize that you love him, and that the thought of being with anyone else is sickening. So for now, don't look for anyone else. You need time to yourself, time to search your own feelings, time to get over him - as much as is possible, that is.
In time, you'll probably find someone closer to your own age who shares many of the qualities that you found loveable in that married man. Or, who knows? He may get divorced and come looking for you. But for your own sake, for now, you need to move on and try to get past him.
It will probably be easier if you try not to see him or talk to him. I'd strongly suggest getting heavily involved in some outside projects; spend time with your friends, volunteer at some worthwhile activity, take a class in something new and interesting, etc. Keep yourself as busy as possible. Although it will take time, in the end you will find yourself able to look back on him with nostalgia - but with little or no pain. And by then you'll be able to be open to the possibility of being with someone else.
Believe it or not, you may well end up happier than you would be with that married man! And you'll know that you stayed true to what you believe, which is a very precious thing indeed.
Good luck.
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Rating: 5
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Thankyou!! I like your advice that I should keep as busy as possible. That way it can take my mind off of him.
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