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humorist-workshop
forbidden love
I've been in love with a man for the last 3 years. I've never felt such strong feelings for a guy in my life. I believe that he loves me too. The problem is that he's married. I've never crossed the line with him. We've never even kissed but have exchanged loving glances. He knows how I feel and that I've been suffering in silence. We have so much in common and have similiar values.
He has a very rocky marriage. Everyone knows he and his wife arent happy. They work together at a cafe and they fight like cats and dogs. They have nothing in common and I've heard that she has several addictions, including drugs and gambling. They have no kids together but she has two grown children from her first marriage. They don't respect my friend and steal from him. She is abusive to him and takes his money to gamble or spend on cigaretes.
He is a gentleman and a christian and would never ask me to have an affair. I've already told him I don't believe in extra marital affairs because my dad cheated on my mom. But he has never indicated that he wanted to leave her for me. He is very shy and reserved, and sometimes I think he's in denial of his feelings for me, or scared of his feelings for me.
I am young (mid 20's) and have lots of guys after me. But I don't want to date any one because I am in love with my married friend. I don't want to have an affair either. I feel a lot of guilt because after my dad cheated on my mom I vowed to never do what my dad did. What should I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
There is no excuse for cheating, or for your behavior if he cheats with you. Yes, even bringing it up to him is wrong. Don't be a homewrecking slut, respect their relationship and get over it. If he didn't want to be with her then he wouldn't. Seriously, if you take this any further, even in conversation, then you will be that woman who give us all a bad name.
(female/24)
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I know at times the heart has a mind of it's own. In this situation, you need to wait, and love him from afar until he is free and available for you. If you don't, you will open a can of worms that will hurt you, and many people around you. Even if the wife is a witch, you will always be considered the reason for their break up. Force yourself to date others, and fill your life with distractions, hobbies, school, etc. You will be able to stand tall, and look yourself in the mirror. He has to handle his own problems without your interferance.
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okay sooo... think of it like this. what if those kids do respect him and you just don't know it or think it. i mean i found out that my parents had gotten a divorce when i was little b/c my dad cheated. that was about 7 or 8 years about and i jsut found out. i was young so i understand why they didn't tell me but they still haven't i read it from my older sisters diary that i found. i cried. think of what would happen if they found out. they would start to hate you or worse. try and ruin everything you have with him. don't show the feelings really strong just be there for him.
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Well, lucky for you, the year is 2006 - divorce IS an option for your man friend.
Especially if he's in a miserable, loveless marriage. That's what divorce is for.
Now, of course, as you've said, he hasn't shown any intention of doing such a thing. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't want to - you'd best bring up the matter and discuss it with him.
And there's no shame in an extramarital affair. Affairs are harmful when they occur in the context of a loving marriage, and/or where children are involved.
Your male friend has no children, and is not in a loving marriage. An affair, therefore, is not actually morally wrong - it does not harm people.
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With both of you having strong morals, I don't see this situation changing in the future. I may be wrong though. I think this guy's morals may be playing a role in his inability to end his marriage. I would suggest taking some time for yourself, away from this and other guys, to determine what exactly it is about this guy that draws you and also what you need in a relationship. I think it would also do him good to have a break so he can get a clear view of how he feels and decide what he intends to do. I know it's hard being apart from one you love, but I believe taking a break from each other would give you each a chance to look at the situation in a different way than when you're seeing each other.
While I completely understand loving someone from afar, I think you may be doing yourself a disservice by focusing only on him. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you should go out and date other guys right off the bat. However, I wouldn't wait around forever hoping that he might leave his wife for you. You may miss out on your Mr. Right because you were looking the wrong way when he comes.
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well cheating is out of the question, for both of you. your beliefs are strong and admriable. i think an important question here is, does he love his wife? in a marriage its easy to set aside your own happiness to keep it together. people of high morales(gentlemen/christian) i think may have an even harder time getting out of an unhappy marriage.he may feel guilty at the thought of leaving her with her life in such an obvious mess. i dont know if youve done this yet, but you might consider asking him how he feels about his wife. its hard to believe he wants out when hes putting up with so much. i wouldent suggest putting your life on hold for him to sort thrugh his marriage. even bad marriages can take years to fall apart, some never do. i think your best bet is to tell him how you feel, and ask him to lay it out for you just where he stands on a possible future with you. if things are not in your immediate favor, you need to move on, as hard as it will be, nice guy or not, you dont want to be anyones back up girl.
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Your beliefs, and his beliefs, seem to make this a pretty clear-cut question. If you want to be true to what you believe in, you can't date him. If the time comes that he decides to divorce, things may change, of course. But it would be an enormous mistake to spend your life waiting and hoping that he will divorce.
Because in no time at all you will be thirty, and then forty, wondering what happened to your life and cursing your mid-20's self for making an enormous and irrevocable mistake.
Here's a secret: as you get older, time speeds up. A LOT. No matter how well you think you understand that, the reality is always an unpleasant surprise.
So I recommend that you try and distance yourself from him. I realize that you love him, and that the thought of being with anyone else is sickening. So for now, don't look for anyone else. You need time to yourself, time to search your own feelings, time to get over him - as much as is possible, that is.
In time, you'll probably find someone closer to your own age who shares many of the qualities that you found loveable in that married man. Or, who knows? He may get divorced and come looking for you. But for your own sake, for now, you need to move on and try to get past him.
It will probably be easier if you try not to see him or talk to him. I'd strongly suggest getting heavily involved in some outside projects; spend time with your friends, volunteer at some worthwhile activity, take a class in something new and interesting, etc. Keep yourself as busy as possible. Although it will take time, in the end you will find yourself able to look back on him with nostalgia - but with little or no pain. And by then you'll be able to be open to the possibility of being with someone else.
Believe it or not, you may well end up happier than you would be with that married man! And you'll know that you stayed true to what you believe, which is a very precious thing indeed.
Good luck.
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