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Ok, I'll start off by saying I'm in college and I've only really had one real relationship in college that lasted about 6 months. There's this girl across the room in class that I think keeps looking at me and I think is really cute and nice, but we never seem to make eye contact (we have a couple times though). She doesn't have facebook or myspace, so I cant tell if she has a boyfriend or not and I'm too shy to just go up and talk to her. I found out though that she's graduating in May (I'm here for another year), so I have 2 problems; I dont really know what to say to her or how to approach her. And time is of the essence, because I really want to talk to her before she leaves to see if something comes of it. How can I just go up and approach her?
Please... Don't try using a pick-up line. Most of the time... Pick-up lines just sound lame or insincere. And I wouldn't suggest flattery either... Just because flattery is by nature insincere.
How about the straight-foward approach? "Hi. My name is . And you are...??" *Offer hand to shake.* "I've noticed you and I was wondering if you would be interested in grabbing a cup of coffee sometime?"
And you'll probably be nervous... Because what if she has a boyfriend or just says, "No?" Don't sweat it. Even if she isn't attracted to you, doesn't mean there aren't plenty of other girls in the world that are. ;)
One of my best friends just can't seem to get a date. Because of this, he is extremely depressed...and it's been getting worse and worse. He gets frequently depressed, sometimes even if the tiniest thing happens, and as a result, he punches walls, he verbally lashes out at my boyfriend, goes into his room and listens to depressing music...and sometimes he has even talked about suicide...he even says his family has a history of this kind of thing...
My boyfriend and I have talked to him over and over and over again, but nothing seems to help...most of the time when we're talking to him, he just ignores what we're saying and gives us cynical comments. Even if what we say cheers him up, it just happens all over again within a day or two...We're running out of things to say to him.
When the talk of seeking help comes up, he just plain refuses to see a therapist...
I am in desperate need of help...Anything, please...
Thank you.
That Gothic Chick
When I was depressed I read something that changed my life...
Basicly it was... "You ungrateful little brat. There are kids in Iraq who've had their legs blown off just because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time... And you have the nerve to whine about your lack of a boyfriend? If you're depressed it's your own fault. Your happiness is your responsibility. Stop waiting for other people to give it to you... Because they can't. Stop wallowing in your own self-pity and get off your butt. Do something about it."
I'm not saying that you should say that to him... But I will say that sometimes tough-love is better than a pep-talk. No one ever likes to hear it... But they'll get over it.
As for your friend... I'm not a doctor, but I will say that this sounds more like a case of the blues paired with a ploy for attention rather than clinical depression. People who suffer from clinical depression usually down play the severity of their illness and avoid discussing any plans involving suicide. But there are definite physical signs. Here are a few...
1.) Sleeping habits. Does he either sleep too little or too much? Both extremes are symptoms of clinical depression. Both extremes can also happen simultaneously. Does he experience frequent bouts of insomnia and then sleep for days?
2.) Eating habits. Does he forget to eat or complan about a loss of appetite? Or does he eat constantly or go on eating binges? Just like the sleeping habits, he can alternate between both extremes.
3.) Inability to concentrate or focus. Does he have a problem paying attention during conversations, comprehending what you say, or is unable to form conherant thoughts or finish sentences on a regular basis? Does he have problems reading and/or writing? Finishing projects?
4.) Forgetfulness. When you're depressed, it actually affects your memory. Does he forget relatively simple things? Walk into rooms and then forget why he is there? Or performing and task and suddenly forget what he is doing?
5.) Numbness. Not a physical numbness... But emotional numbness. Is he unable to get excited about anything, be it negative or postive? For example... Let's say his favorite band was in town and you bought him tickets. How would he react? Does he often act indifferent to his circumstances? Example... "Hey, you're mother is in the hospital. I think it's serious..." Would he get upset or just stare vacantly?
6.) Does he experience panic attacks, anxiety attacks, or social anxiety? During a panic attack, your heart usually starts to race... Most people actually think they are suffering from a heart attack when experiencing a panic attack. Anxiety attacks can also result in an excelerated heart rate... But the big tip off is that they can't calm down because they're so frightened. Social anxiety is kind of like an extreme paranoia when in public.
If he is displaying the symptoms that I mentioned... You should definitely be concerned. Talk to his family and his friends. You can't wrestle him to the ground and drag him to hospital... Well, actually you could if push came to shove... But you might want to try an intervention before resorting to violence. :P
The BIG tip-off when someone is planning to commit suicide... They start giving things away. For example, years ago a friend of mine (we'll call him C.) was hanging out with one of his buddies. C. borrowed his friend's jacket and when he tried to give it back, his friend told him he could just keep it. A few days later, C. got a call when he was at work. His friend had hung himself. If you're friend starts acting like this... Keep a close eye on him and contact his relatives immediately. It will take all of you to talk him down.
If you have any other questions, feel free to leave me a note in my inbox. You and your friend are in my thoughts... Best of luck. ;)
22 female/big sister.
Yesterday my 11 year old sister called me up in tears because mom wouldn’t stay out of ‘her business’. She was hazy on the details, but from what I can gather, there is some bullying going on at school, and knowing my sister, she probably isn’t only a victim is all this.
Normally I can give my sister some really good advice, but this time I was rather stumped, probably because in my opinion an 11 year old doesn’t have their ‘own business’ beyond choosing how to spend their allowance and whose friend they are going to be. Privacy and autonomy are something they are in the process of earning, not something they receive just because they understand the ideas now.
But now, as I reflect on it, I wonder if I’ve become one of those judgmental adults who has forgotten how to relate to adolescents…
I gave her the normal “Mom is doing this cause she cares and no one expects you too solve all your problems by yourself” speech, but what I really wanted to say was “Well if you don’t get into stupid fights you wouldn’t have this problem!” Am I wrong to think that her expectation of being left alone in this is unrealistic and what would you have told her on how to deal with our mom getting involved with her teachers and school about some issues she was having with an others girls?
I don't think you've become "one of those judgemental adults." You probably still remember what it felt like when you were her age, otherwise I don't think you'd be asking us for our opinion... However, since growing up you've gained a lot of wisdom that she can't recognize. You've got more life experience, and the hindsight to go with it.
So... Don't beat yourself up too much about it. She may not agree with you now... But one day she'll grow up and realize that big sis' was just telling her the truth.
Alright. This isn't quite as bad as the title makes it sound. I am 22/f and over Christmas while I was home I ended up running into my high school math teacher. He was only a year or two out of school when I was in high school. We had a pretty good conversation and I was talking a lot about my school, stress and thesis and he was funny and offered great advice. Anyways He sent me a really nice e-mail over the weekend (apparently he got my e-mail from another teacher I still stay in touch with) and asked me how was going, wished me the best and asked me if I’d like to get together for coffee or dinner when I'm finished.
So, he isn’t that much older then me, but it still seems a little awkward to agree to a date with someone who taught me. I think he is, at most, seven years older then me, but I want to know what other people think. Would be acceptable to go to dinner with him? I would really like too...
I say... Go for it. You're twenty-two and he's what... Twenty-nine? That's not too big of an age gap. Infact... It might be perfect. I don't know you, but you sound pretty mature. He might level with you a lot better than guys closer to your age.
So... Give it a shot. Even if it doesn't go as well as you would have liked... At least you won't be asking yourself, "What if?" later.
I don't usually get pimples, but when I do, it's minor.. just a couple of small ones on the t-zone (usually when I get my period).. but lately I broke out more than usual because of high stress levels (loads of research) and since I'm about to get my period. It didn't help that I popped a couple of them- now tiny ones are popping up. I'd say i have around 5 or 6 pimples (small to medium).
My question is: what's the most effective way of getting rid of Acne? I'm not interested in using proactive or something of that sort since Acne isn't usually a problem for me. I'm more interested in home or herbal remedies that work for occasional breakouts like the one i have now .
Thanks!
I've had really bad acne before... And I tried everything... Including ProActive.
The best thing you can do is go to a dermatologist. A dermatologist will know what's best for your skin... A lot better than anyone else.
Before you start worrying about the cost of medication... Or that the doctor will put you on some type of antibiotic... Or heaven forbid, Accutane... Relax. It sounds like your breakouts are minor. A dermatologist would probably prescribe some type of medicated gel or cream to apply to your face maybe once or twice a day. If he does, ask for a generic brand. Generics are just as good as name brands, but a lot cheaper.
Today I was searching on my boyfriend's video playlist, and I discovered about 4, maybe 5 pornographic videos...I confronted him about it, and he broke down, saying he had forgotten about them, and that they had been there before we started dating...I think believe him...but I'm still not sure what to think...any thoughts?
Thank you...
Don't worry about it.
Men look at and watch porn. Men look at and watch porn so they can masturbate. Most men masturbate. Some even masturbate when they are in a healthy relationship and having sex on a regular basis. Why? A hormone called testosterone. Both men and women produce this hormone. Men just produce a lot more of it than women do... And that explains why men experience sexual urges on a more frequent basis. Basicly, and excuse me if I offend anyone, men masturbate when they're feeling horny and their partner isn't around.
And what a lot of women fail to realize is that it has nothing to do with them. Their man still thinks they are attractive, still wants to have sex with them... Porn is just something to get the job done when they're alone. (And yes... A REAL guy has actually told me this.)
So... Don't feel insecure. And don't make something that probably isn't an issue... into a big issue. Relationships come with enough obstacles, you don't need to add anymore. If it bothers you, be honest with him and explain why, but also try to understand his side. Don't give him ultimatums, don't judge him... Just talk about it. Conversations about sex should be open and honest. Especially with your partner.
This is nothing to be ashamed of. Sexual urges are natural, healthy... So is masturbation. Infact... If you think about it, it's safer. No STD's or unwanted pregnancies to worry about. No mistresses.
I think a lot of women feel conflicted about this issue because of their own insecurity. When a woman discovers that her boyfriend/husband has been looking at pictures of another women... naked... and is turned on... She wonders if he's looking at the pictures because SHE is deficient in some way. She begins to wonder if he still considers her attractive... Or attractive enough. Maybe she even wonders if she satisfies is his sexual desires.
I'm in love with a grown man, sometimes it feels as though he may like me too, but I can't do much about it because he's one of my teachers and I just found out he was married while overhearing a conversation he was having with someone else... he's never mentioned it to me... but I love him, and this hurts and being around him hurts and i can't stop thinking about him and he's such a sweet guy and we get along great.. i've tried avoiding him, but that messes up my whole day and I feel like shit. What can I do?
19/f
Again... I agree with Abby.
You may think it's love but I seriously doubt it. I can understand how you might mistake what you are feeling for love... Because sometimes even infatuation can feel very intense as well as painful. But whether you love him or you're just experiencing a bad case of infatuation... The hurt will pass. You will love someone else.
If you care about him at all... You will NOT initiate anything. Besides the fact that he is your teacher and could possibly lose his job if anyone found out that if you were involved... Think of his wife. You would hurt her by becoming involved with him, wouldn't you? Is that really what you want? To hurt a person you don't even know... To endanger his job as well as his marriage?
I'm a big fan of the clean break. I understand that you might not be able to do that since he is your teacher... But if you can't make a clean break, at least avoid spending time with him outside of class. I know it hurts now... But that will pass.
Focus on your school work, your hobbies, your friends... Start dating guys that are available. Chances are that once you become involved with someone else you'll realize that the feelings you have for this man aren't as deep as you initially thought they were.
19/F
I'm in a really small university class (only 31 of us in my year of my program).
Lately I've had a really bad rough patch; I was helping one friend out of an abusive relationship, and another friend out of an accidental pregnancy, so that was stressing me out. Added on to this was the fact that I suffer from depression, I'm having serious financial issues, and I've been fighting a lot with my boyfriend (who I live with).
I've had one prof who has really been amazing. When I missed a lot of class, he e-mailed and even called, to make sure I was allright. He's copied out notes that I've missed for me, and he isn't holding my absence against me. He's been really concerned about me, and it's meant a lot to me.
I really want to do something nice for him, but I don't know what. He's in his fifties (I think) and he's a math professor.
The only problem is that I can't really spend much, so storebought gifts are pretty much out of the question.
Any ideas for what to do to thank a professor who goes far beyond his regular duties as an instructor?
I like Abby's suggestion about the letter. My opinion is that in the long run... Objects don't matter. What matters is gratitude. So think about writing him a letter. Let him know that he's a great professor, and how much you appreciate all that he's done for you. Chances are your gratitude and admiration will mean more to him than anything you could buy in the store. This is a man that has dedicated his life to teaching and guiding young people. I'm sure he'd be very touched to find out that he made a difference in one of his student's lives.
If you want something to give him with the letter... Try baking something. I know most guys aren't a big fan of chocolate... But peanut butter seems to be a big hit. Just make sure he isn't allergic to peanuts first... Or diabetic.
If he has a sense of humor... You could try getting him something that's both corny and a bit on the sentimental side. Like for example... A trophy that says something like, "World's Best Professor." I don't know of anywhere that you can buy those... But I bet you could find something on the internet.
I still say that the letter is the best idea though. Best of luck. ;)
1st Scenario: School has really been a bore for me. You know, the grades are fine and everthing, but the personal balance of my life sucks and gets worse by the day. It's affecting me and it's making me cold, and I don't want that. I know where it's coming from. I just feel ashamed so I'm going to need help w/ these brief scenarios.
2nd Scenario: I liked this guy who I used to flirt around with a lot. I read w/ my sense of intuition that he really was feeling me, so I wrote him a letter telling him how I feel. He's friends w/ my x-x boyfriend though. Anyway, he didn't call me but he still talks to me very much in class. More than twice he has told me that he's meant to call. I think I should give up and move on which I've done in a way. But he keeps coming around, he's sweet guy really. I don't want to fall too hard though. Help me with this one.
3rd Scenario: Two months ago, I was talking to a guy who I would've never thought that I'd be talking to. And well, we got in an arguement around superbowl time and two weeks later he had a girlfriend. Now I feel ashamed whenever I see him b/c of the way I acted, but he was too playful and I'm too serious. I feel like I've lost out on something and cannot bare to see him alone or w/ his girl, who he always hugs or kisses on the forehead whem I'm around. Help me please. I feel ashamed, like I missed out.
Fourth Scenario: An ex-boyfriend of mine cheated on me. He calls me from time to time when I'm talking to someone supposedly. I don't know. Those feelings for him are somewhat, not strongly there, it's just he's there. He's here and I somehow and still lingering. Help.Once I wanted to get w/ him like a week or two ago but I didn't follow through. I couldn't b/c of what his friend who happens to be my friend in the 5th scenario said something discouraging.
Fifth Scenario: My friend, hasn't really been much of a friend this year. He's a senior, he's busy I understand, plus he has a girlfriend. But I don't understand how we could be so close once and then can just barely stand each other at all. Today, at least four times, we argued and I hit him. The blow I wanted to hit him w/ was soft but the way I felt at that moment was far from the old playful feeling that I used to get. I wanted to hurt him. We're different and I've accepted the transition between us. And today, he said things to hurt me. Everyone else were saying how you need to get a man, and that bothers me, NOW THAT IM NOT LOOKING FOR ONE. But when he said it twice, I felt embarrassed, ashamed, lonely, demure, outcast. It definitely shut me up. Why does he have to be so harsh, when like 7 months ago we were really close? I don't even like to see his face and that hurts very much. Too much
Thanx for the help it's long but I need all I can get. Thanx again very much. I've given up on the guys here, no I'm not gay, just no longer looking and that's sad.
If you're still in high school the opposite sex doesn't need to become the main focal point of your life. Even if you're not in high school it still doesn't. There's more to life than being in a relationship. You can be happy out of relationship. And usually... It's not until you're happy outside of a relationship that you can have a healthy relationship.
I wouldn't suggest dating any of these guys. If a guy cheats on you... He's just not that into you. If a guy doesn't wait for you and picks another girl to be his girlfriend... He's just not that into you. If you tell a guy how you really feel and he can't find the time to pick up the phone and talk to you about it... He's just not that into you.
And you should read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You." It will take the guess work out of a lot of your interactions with opposite sex and give you valid examples of how a guy acts when he IS into you.
If you are feeling ashamed about any of your past behavior... Swallow your pride and your fear and apologize. "I'm ashamed of my behavior and I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry." It's simple, though hard to do. But once you do it you'll feel better. Maybe not today or tomorrow... But eventually you'll be glad you did. You may be hurt if your apology isn't accepted. But don't beat yourself up. Everyone screws up. Don't fear or be ashamed of your mistakes. Ask yourself what you can learn from your mistakes, resolve to do better next time, and be proud that you have taken one more step towards being the person you want to be. Mistakes are valuable. The difference between a person that lives with regret and a person that looks in the mirror with a clear conscience is perspective.
Are you feeling out of balance and cold because of your love life? Don't. Like I said... There's more to life than romantic relationships. Infact... Everyone needs time to be single. It's an important part of your delevopment as a individual. Use this time to focus on YOU. Now is a time of discover... An opportunity to pursue what YOU want. Take it. You'll be glad you did. ;)
First off im 15 F. And I know alot of people aren't going to like this but whatever. All of my life i have never gone to church or anything, and I want to, like I want to have a church family and everything and I really would like a place to talk about my spirituality. But I cant find a church that I like. As for my religion, I basically have christian based values, but anyways here are my beleifs.
1. I beleive in god as a force and not a being.
(basically I believe in god as love in general.)
2. I dont believe in the devil. I think that was a
a story made up to scare people that if you sin
you will go to hell.
3. I don't believe in hell. I believe there is
heaven and thats all.
4. I know there was a man named Jesus and he taught great lessons, but I dont believe he rose from the dead and all that.
5. God is Love and Sin is Evil.
6. And last, people should be entitled to their own religion without anyone giving them a hard time.
Anyways, there is just a basis of whatI believe. So my question is, do you know of a church or religion that is basically all of those?
Also, I had this idea, maybe I could start a website forum where people could talk about this, sort of like starting my own religion,(hehe that sounds weird). Do you think many people would join me on that? Do you think anyone believes the way I do?
Any way, sorry its so long. I just really want to talk about what I believe and where I'm from, you would get beat up because everyone is very conservative baptist around here. Like I am the only democrat at my school. : ). soo, if you have any views on this, please tell me. Just keep them nice. Thanks in advance!!
I would like to commend you. At the tender age of fifteen... You have asked yourself some heavy questions. You have drawn your own conclusions... You have refused to allow others to sway your faith. You rock.
Anyway... No. Your belief system is not uncommon. Many people, including myself, believe just as you... Or hold beliefs very similiar to yours. You're not alone. We're here... We just don't like to advertise. If you're wondering why... Scroll down.
And no... Your belief system does not have a name. Or a church. Mostly because those of us that believe that everyone is entitled to believe as they wish... Well... Let's just say that we don't really fit in too well with the "organized-religion" crowd. My friends and I aren't too upset about it either. Why? Read a history book. Almost every organized religion is guilty of plagarism, ignorance, intolerance, and mass murder. Except for the Buddhists. And the Wiccans. My hat goes off to all the Buddhists and Wiccans reading my speel. (You're awesome.)
Sorry... I'm ranting now. Anyway... I don't really think it matters if there is a name or a church for what we believe. You're perfectly capable of worshipping the higher power all by yourself. Personally, I always thought that worshipping alone was a great deal more intimate. But maybe worship isn't the problem for you... Maybe you're looking for fellowship.
That... Is basicly what church is supposed to be about. A group of people who share similiar beliefs... Forming a type of relationship in an attempt to encourage and support each other. You don't need a name or a church for that. A name is a symbol, a church is a building... Both are empty things without people to give them meaning.
So... You have internet access... Why don't you try finding a group of like-minded people via your modem? A lot of online communites and chat forums have "groups" and some of these groups are spiritual in nature. I can't tell you which one you're looking for... The best way for you to find the fellowship you desire is to try joining several different groups and trying them on for size. If they don't fit, don't get discouraged. Just keep trying until you find what you're look for.
As for starting your own forum... I think that's a great idea. And yes... I do think people would join. Like I said... We're here. I will warn you that the job of a moderator can be a stressful one... So start out small. As your group grows recruit some of your more trustworthy members.
Ooo... I just had an idea. MYSPACE. If you do... You better message me and let me know. ;)
P.S. Check out a series of books called, "Conversations with God," by Neal Donald Walsch. I don't necessarily think the man talks to God... But he makes a lot of sense. To me at least. He also started a movement. Maybe it will interest you. If not... It could at least be a good read.
It seems like many people mix up love with lust or obsession. and it just seems so confusing if you really liked someone for a long time. How do you really know if you're in love?
If your heart skips a beat...
If your breath hitches in your throat...
If your stomach is filled with fluttering butterflies...
If you can only think of them...
If you have never felt this way...
Are you in love?
Nope.
Love is not blind adoration or hero-worship. When you love someone... You'll know they aren't perfect. You'll even be able to write a list of their flaws... "He has a tendency to procrastinate. He's absent-minded. He's messy..." And so on. But if you really love him or her you'll accept them for who they are. Including every flaw. You may still be upset when he forgets the anniversary of your very first date... But you'll forgive him before you go to bed. Because while some of his habits irritate you... You really wouldn't want him to be anyone else. You've accepted his good qualities... And his bad qualities. Because when you love someone you can't just accept bits and pieces of them.
Love is not selfish. You will compromise and sacrifice in the name of his or her happiness... Because the thought of his/her unhappiness makes you feel unhappy. You will not ask for gifts that are impossible or unfair... Like asking him to sacrifice his friendship with that particular brute that he's known since grammar school. Or to throw away that old shirt he insists on wearing... Even if it is faded and slightly torn.
And when you love someone... You will be able to explain why and give solid reasons. "He/She is cute," does not count. When I say "solid reasons" I mean... "I love him because he is intelligent and wise. I love him because he is kind. He would not harm another intentionally. I love him because he is honest and trustworthy..."
(Before I start I'm 18 and a freshman in college.) I was in a exclusive relationship about 8 months ago. It ended badly and I ended up getting hurt. My boyfriend of 1 year cheated on me, more than once. Anyways ever since then, I'v only had casual relationships, not sex I just wouldn't exclusively date one guy at a time. I met this one guy in class, after we were assigned in pairs for a project. And I started to like him. A lot. And I knew he liked me too, because he was flirting with me and walking me to classes ect. I was taking a walk outside when it was raining (Don't ask me why I just like the rain)and he came up to me when I was sitting on the bench. He said he saw me and wanted to know what I was doing sitting on a campus bench in a rainstorm. By that time it was raining really hard.(Before I go any farther he asked me out twice by then, but he was a boyfriend kind of guy and didn't do casual anymore, so I turned him down) I said I was just going for a walk, and he sat down beside me. We talked for a while in the pouring rain, and then he leaned over and kissed me. It turned into a pretty heavy make out session and I started thinking 'what the hell am I doing, I can't be his girlfriend I'm not gonna put myself in the position to be hurt again'. Anyways I pushed him away away and when he was about to say something I spoke before him. I said "I'm sorry, but this was a mistake, I can't do exclusive realationships, you know that" (Those were my exact words) Even though I really liked him I didn't want to get hurt again. I stood up ready to walk away when he caught my wrist, he said "You can't or you won't, why can't you give a relationship a fighting chance. I really like you, a lot more than you know and I know you feel the same. You and I both know It wasn't a mistake" and then I said "Thats where your wrong" and I walked off. He called my name but didn't try to stop me again. I'v been avoiding him for the last few days, and he's called my cell phone a million times. I don't know what to do, I really really like him. He's sweet, funny, gorgeous, caring, honest (I could go on but I'll spare you)I know he's not my ex but I'm just scared. Scared of what I feel for him and scared I'll get hurt again. When we were kissing everything felt so right. I felt safe and loved and not lost anymore. He's offering me a real relationship, a healthy realtionship. But should I take the chance? What should I do? Is the ball in my court?
Okay... Let's talk about your ex-boyfriend for a minute...
When you discovered that he had been unfaithful... How did you feel? Did you feel unattractive? Perhaps incapable of satisfying his sexual desires? Or incapable of satisfying him in some other way? Mentally? Emotionally? Did you blame yourself for his actions?
Think before you answer. Because... I don't think your problem is that you mistrust the opposite sex. I think your problem is that you are feeling insecure. You all ready stated that you know this man is not your ex-boyfriend... Implying that you understand the concept than not all men are prone to be unfaithful. Yet you're still afraid.
I think you are afraid because you suspect... That you are flawed. So flawed that you do not deserve to have the relationship that you desire. You suspect that if you allow yourself to become attached to another man he will inevitably betray you just as your ex-boyfriend did... Because you are deficient in some way.
I don't even know you and I can tell you with certainty that you DO deserve the relationship you desire... And also that you are NOT deficient. If your ex-boyfriend had sex with other women it wasn't your fault. After befriending several chronic cheaters I've learned that most of the time when people are unfaithful... They are unfaithful because of their OWN emotional/ mental issues that negatively impact their ability to form healthy, lasting romatic attachments. So... Trust me. It wasn't you, it was definitely him.
Now that I've made my arguement about whether or not you are capable of forming a relationship... I'd like to share a lesson with you that I have learned...
You can't have a healthy relationship until YOU are healthy.
So... Before you even consider dating the new man... You need to put your insecurity to rest. I know... Not an easy task. But you can do it. Start by accepting yourself as you are. Imperfections and all. Once you've accepted yourself you'll find it easier to discover the qualities that you like about yourself... And the more qualities that you discover you like... The easier it will be to love yourself. Because you have to love yourself before you can accept the love of another.
Once you love yourself... Then you are ready for a relationship.
I can tell you really like this man. And... You also recognize that he is relationship material. I think you want to try dating him... But maybe you should wait.
Waiting to date is not the same as waiting to talk to him. I think you should talk to him. And soon. What do you say? Be honest. "I really like you and I want to date you... But I haven't recovered from my last relationship and I don't think I'm ready to date yet." And maybe... "I would like to be your friend and get to know you better."
Getting to know a potential boyfriend should always be your goal... Not to jump into a relationship. (Whether or not you think he's the type of guy that dates for fun or views dating as something more serious.) Only when you spend time with someone and discuss the issues that matter to you can you discover whether you are compatible or not. Discover whether or not you're compatible and the decision about whether or not to pursue something a little more serious will be easier.
So... Bottom line: look in the mirror and say, "I love you." And mean it. Be honest and open with the new man. And relax... Get to know him before you start thinking about the "r" word.
Because... If he's worth the wait, he'll wait for you.
Okay... I'm rambling now. Shutting up. Many blessings. ;)
I know the two go hand in hand, which explains why I feel so low at the moment. There's so much going wrong with my family life, my work like and my health right now and it's affecting everything. Even my relationship with my boyfriend.
The question is, what do I do about it?? I can't keep going the way I am or I SWEAR I am going to have a meltdown.
Please help and if you can, I would appreciate natural help, rather than counselling or therapy.
Ways to combat stress...
1.) Sleep. The less you sleep, the more stressed out you're going to be. Your body needs approximately eight hours of sleep every night. If you are having a problem falling asleep... Try doing something that will allow you to unwind a little bit before going to bed. For example, take a long, hot bath... Drink some hot tea or milk... Read a book.
2.) Diet. Your diet can also affect your level of stress. I'm not suggesting you go on a diet, but try drinking more water and cutting down on the junk food. Taking a vitamin wouldn't hurt either.
3.) Exercise. When you exercise, your body actually releases hormones that make you feel good. You don't have to do anything fancy, like join a gym or start lifting weights. Try taking a fifteen to twenty minute walk every day after dinner.
4.) Hobbies. Most people underestimate the benefit of having a hobby. But really... They're great. When you're doing something that you enjoy, you tend to focus on the activity alone, and temporarily forget your anxieties. For example, I love to draw... I'm not the best at it, but when I'm drawing I'm so wrapped up in what I'm doing that I can't think about anything else.
5.) Meditate. This might sound like a weird suggestion... But if you think about it, all you're doing is setting aside maybe fifteen to twenty minutes every day to just be still and be quiet. You don't have to bend your legs into a lotus position or chant. Just try to get comforbale, whether you're sitting on the couch, or laying on the floor... whatever. Then either try to clear your mind, or focus on something positive. For example, a good exercise is... "Fifty things I'm grateful for." If you're having trouble thinking of things to be grateful for, I'll start you off with a big one... "I'm grateful... To be alive."
6.) Keep a journal. Sometimes writing down your feelings helps you to sort out your emotions and put the situation into a proper perspective. Especially if you are a woman. One of the differences between the way men and women solve problems (as pointed out by Dr. John Gray) is that women tend to talk about their problems a lot. We aren't whining, we're trying to figure out how we feel about our problems, and to draw our own conclusions. Writing is a good outlet for emotions because it gives us time to really think about what we are feeling before we even put it into words.
7.) Remember that happiness is a state of mind. Happiness is not the result of good circustances. Because in life, circumstances are never perfect, even when at their best. There will always be something to worry about, some problem that needs to be solved. That's just the way life is. Getting that new car will not make you happy. Neither will a new job, new house, or a marriage proposal, etc. All these things may result in temporary joy, but not lasting happiness.
Happiness is not something that anyone can give you... Except for yourself. Your boyfriend is not the key to your happiness, neither are your friends or family. Your happiness depends only one person... YOU! And be glad... There's nothing better than knowing that you alone are in control of your emotional state.
Happiness is the result of a postive perspective. Being happy means saying, "My life is good and I don't want to be anyone else. I'm not perfect, but I love myself the way that I am, and while everything might not be perfect, I have a lot to be grateful for." Being happy means that when things go wrong, or you make a mistake, instead of dwelling on the negative... You look for the postive. You are able to say, " I made a mistake, but this is what I learned from my mistake. And now that I know, next time around I will do better." Happy people still have problems and experience sadness... The difference between a happy person and the sad person is that the happy person knows that they will be happy again. They know that the hurt will fade, things will pass, and in the long run, they'll be just fine.
And lastly... It sounds to me that you are pretty self-aware amd know that you are experiencing a temporary case of the blues. However, if you ever suspect that your case of the blues is turning in a serious case of depression, don't hestitate to seek professional help. Don't walk, RUN to the nearest doctor!
I hope things get better for you. My thoughts are with you, good luck... Adieu ;)
i have really pale skin and i haven't been able to find foundation or concealer to match my skin tone. the closest match i have found is avon creme to powder foundation but even this makes me look like i have orange splodges on my face in certain light.
i dont want to spend more than £10 and i live in england - i dont want to have to buy over the internet, mail order and telephone order are ok though.
I'm very fair skinned and also have a difficult time finding make-up that matches my skin tone. My newest and best find, Neutrogena make-up. I don't know if they started distributing it in England or not, but if they have give it a try. Here you can find it at Wal-Mart and it's pretty affordable.
My Mom and Father were divorced when I was 3 yrs. I have 3 other siblings. We never revieved any contact throught our growing up years from out
Father. And just out of the blue he contact each of us and wants to have a relationship. I am hesitent. My Mother pass away 4 years ago. Each of us have had a brief phone conversation with he and to my sister and I he asked us to call him DAD... I was polite and said that I would stick with Sir for now. He has 1 other child that is in his 30's and is on drugs is not in contact with him. My Father has just recently retired at the age of 67. He did say the he was sorry to hear about Mom's death. I have mixed feelings and thats what I need help with.
My parents divorced before I was born. I saw my father twice before the age of four... And about three or four years later he allowed my step-father to legally adopt me. I didn't see him again until I was in my early twenties.
I was very angry with my father. And why not? My mother told me that he was an awful person and that the reason he was not a part of my life was because he didn't love me. And he wasn't there to defend himself. So... I'm not sure how similiar your situation is to the situation I was in... But I think I can imagine how you must feel right now.
My advice... Talk to him. If you don't, you might not get another chance... And later you might realize that you have questions that only he can answer. For me... It wasn't about having a relationship. It was about gaining the closure I needed to put my past to rest.
And you don't have to have a relationship with him. I suspect that you are an adult. You probably feel like you're too old to start calling someone "Daddy." I completely understand, and I also understand that having him suddenly suggest that you do might actually make you angry. You don't have to call him "Dad," you don't have to foster a father/child relationship now. There is probably a lot of resentment, a lot of hurt... And you need to time to forgive. You can't just do it all of the sudden. That's okay. That's normal. You should probably tell him that, though I would like to mention that you don't have to be cruel about it. I know that may be hard, but don't hurt another person out of spite just because they hurt you. I promise, you'll regret it later.
Try not to expect anything. I tried to keep a clear head the first time I met my father. Truth be told... When you grow up being told that your father hates you, you don't waste any time dreaming up fantasies about your absentee father. So... Maybe it was easy for me not to expect. Try to do the same and at least you won't walk away disappointed.
You might want to try talking to him on the phone before (and even if) you meet him in person. This may be a good opportunity for you to ask him any questions that may be on your mind. I found it easier to ask the tough questions when I wasn't staring him in the face. And I think you need to be honest. I think you need to tell him if his absence hurt you, I think you need to ask him why he did what he did if you really want to know the answer. Then... If you decide that he's someone you want to get to know... Take it from there.
Even if you do have a relationship with your father, it probably won't be the typical father/child relationship... And you may never be able to be as close as you would like to be. And that's okay. After I talked to my father several times on the telephone, I made a trip to Texas to meet him for the first time. It went well. He was able to answer a lot of questions that I had, and I felt better... I realized that a lot of what my mother had told me had been exaggerated and unfair. That first meeting put a lot of issues to rest and I'm glad I went.
I still talk to my father. Usually, because I live in Georgia and he lives in Texas, we only see each other for a week out of every year. But that's okay with me. We spend more quality time together in that week than I did with my step-father in the sixteen years that I lived with him. And when we talk on the telephone, he listens to what I have to say. So... While I would say that our relationship isn't exactly typical... I feel like it's healthy, and I'm satisfied.
I'm not sure if any of that made sense. Sorry... It's been a long day at work and I'm suffering from sleep deprivation. I don't know if I helped... But if you have any further questions, or just need someone to talk to, you know where to find me. Best of luck. ;)
i would like to tell you all, that you are beautiful. everyone on here are the greastest among people. for we are all hear to help and be helped. and this is no question. and if i get suspended or deleted from advicenators for it or something, so be it. but the main point is, you are all wonderful people and every one of you are making this world a better place by signing on here everyday and helping someone half way around the world that you don't even know. that's what's gonna change the world. if everyone was like the people here, the world would be a better place. but sadly it's not. but maybe someday, it will be. so if you see a struggling man or woman, do not laugh, stick out your hand to help them. do good in the world, more than you already have. and maybe someday you can change the world. and i write this becuase someone answered the boy from pakistan in a way that really moved me. and it makes me appreciative of what we do here. and it makes me aware of how good i am. compared to some people in the world without homes, money, food. or are young parents. and their last hope in the world is here, and when everyone gives a helping hand, it's something beautiful and unreplacable. God bless all of you!
Awesome. I agree. And you ROCK!! :)
do you think it's reasonable for a seventeen-year-old girl to be forbidden to get rides from her friends? i mean, my mom and dad don't let me drive around with my friends. it's not like they're fucking drug dealers or anything, they just don't like it. i try to be empathetic and see things from their point of view, but i don't. i don't argue with them unless i really disagree, and i just don't think it's fair. please tell me if i'm being totally uncooperative in feeling this way. and what can i do to get them to ease up a little? i hate not being able to go anywhere unless they pick me up and drop me off.
Hmm...
I might understand why your parents feel the way they do...
First of all... Accidents are frequent among teen drivers. Not just among the teens that drive intoxicated, or drive like they think they are in the movie, "The Fast and Furious." But also among the relatively safe teen drivers. What it boils down to is a lack of driving experience.
For example... When I was a teenager I was very cautious when I was in my car. I didn't talk on my cellphone, I didn't speed, and I rarely carried passengers because I was afraid that they might distract me. Did I ever get into a car accident? Yep. While pulling out of the parking lot of a grocery store near my house, a truck barrelled down a right turn only lane and ripped the headlights and hood off of my car. I saw the truck coming. But because of my lack of experience, all I could do was watch in horror as the truck came speeding towards me. Luckily, no one was hurt. But if I had pulled out another three feet he would have smashed into my driver's side door. I could have been hurt very badly, I might have even died.
So... I don't think that you're parents are afraid that your friends are drug dealers, or suspect that they drive while intoxicated. They probably fear for your safety just because your friends are young and lack experience. They just want to protect you. I think that's fairly reasonable.
And I would like to say that while I understand how your parents feel, I understand how you feel as well. You are reaching an age where you consider yourself independent. You want to be able to go where you want when you want, and you get frustrated when your parents limit your freedom. Perfectly understandable.
And I commend your maturity. You're all ready trying to understand how they feel, and doing your best to avoid any unnecessary arguements.
My advice... Just try to understand. You're their daughter, they love you and they want to protect you from harm. You might feel frustrated and sheltered now... But soon enough you'll be an adult and able to go wherever you want to go whenever you want, with whomever you want. Try to be patient.
It might help to talk to your parents. Talk to them in a calm, rational manner. Trust me, they'll be impressed by your maturity. Explain to them that you understand how they feel, but that you would like them to trust you a little more. See if the three of you can reach a compromise. You and your parents may or may not reach a compromise that allows you more freedom. Either way, stay cool. If nothing else, your parents will walk away feeling that you are mature and sensible, and respecting you and trusting you more.
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In response to your feedback... I think your idea about letting your parents meet your friends and talk to them is fabulous. Best of luck. ;)
I don't understand why girls don't like the "sweet" or "nice" guys anymore..All my friends that are girls, like the "Bad boys" or the "Jocks". I like one of my friends, but she likes one of the "bad boy" guys...How can I get her to realize that I could probably be a better boyfriend than him...(14/M)
Good news. You have nothing to worry about.
First... Not all girls are attracted to "bad boys" and "jocks." You may think I'm lying, but I'm telling you the truth. Trust me. My boyfriend is a self-proclaimed dork and nearly chokes every time I tell him how attractive I think he is. :)
Second... Let's talk about the girls that are attracted to the "bad boys" and "jocks." I'm not a psychologist, but I do have a few theories... Because I am a female after all, and I have a few years of experience.
I think a lot of girls are probably attracted to "bad boys" during their teenage years. But I think that the attraction is... Well, they are attracted to the image that the bad boy projects, not the actual person. The bad boy projects an image of arrogance... often mistaken for confidence... and rebelliousness... often mistaken for independence, individuality, and strength. But the bad boy image is just that. An image. An attitude of arrogance is often adopted to mask insecurity. Rebelliousness to cover anger and deeper emotional issues.
Basicly... Most of the bad boys that I have known turned out to be some of the most insecure, self-loathing people I have ever met. Most of them had awful childhoods, and unresolved issues that affected their ability to form meaningful relationships in a very negative way.
So... Let's say she dates this bad boy. They won't be together for long, as so many people have all ready pointed out. He'll either do something to sabatouge the relationship, whether he intends to or not, or she'll just get sick of his ill treatment and leave him behind.
And... Hopefully, she'll grow out of this phase. (A lot do because they come to realize arrogance and confidence aren't so hot after all as they mature.) Though... I should warn you that some don't. Those that don't usually suffer from their own issues, and you wouldn't want to date them anyway. If she isn't emotionally healthy, she's not capable of having a healthy relationship. And really, you don't want anything else. You don't want to settle for anything less than you deserve either, and trust me... That's a whole lot less than you deserve.
Now that I've just written a thesis on relationships... Here's my advice. Stay sweet, stay nice... Don't ever try to be someone you're not, because you're great the way you are. If the girl you like can't realize that (hopefully she will) she's not worth having. Don't try to do anything to change her mind... Just be yourself. Because you deserve someone that likes you the way you are.
And be patient. Maybe the ladies aren't falling all over you now... But trust me, your day will come. Once the girls grow into women, they'll figure out that you're fabulous... And then they'll be lined up outside your door. Don't scoff. No matter how unlikely it may sound to you, I can imagine it now... One day your incredibly lucky girlfriend will tell you how amazing you are, and you'll nearly choke. You'll tell her that she's crazy because you're a dork. And then she'll insist that she wouldn't want you to be anything else. ;)
i just wanted to say that what you said the the young man from pakistan was really inspiring to me and it has changed me for the better. i am truely sorry for all the misfortines in your life, but i congratulate you on getting over them. you are a very great person =). best of luck to you in everything you do!
Every misfortune in my life has been a blessing. From my misfortunes I have learned valuable lessons. And I am grateful.
Thank you. I sincerely appreciate all your kind words. I don't know you... But I suspect that you are a beautiful person. ;)
Wishing you the very best...
Melissa
I have come to the point where I cant write, concentrate, derive pleasure from anything, have difficulty remembering things, have blurred vision, eyes seriously hurt, sometimes have severe headaches, most of the time dont know what I am talking especially with my elder brother. I have nt got father and mother I live my elder brother and his wife since 6 years. I am 26/M an MBA had a successful career but now since six months things have been deteriorating. I cant bear it any more. Plz tell me the easiest way to commit suicide which hurts less and is quick and doesnt make much of a mess.
Two words: clinical depression. You just described several common symptoms.
I know how you must be feeling right now... And what you must be thinking. I know because I have been where you are right now. Suicide is not the answer.
This is my story, I'm telling you because I hope it will help you...
I was born in a broken home. My father was an alcholic, my parents were divorced before I was even born. I grew up not knowing my father, and being told that the reason I didn't know my father was because he didn't love me. Before the age of four, I was molested by my baby-sitter.
By the age of five, my mother married again. My step-father was also an alcholic, and tended to neglect me frequently. My mother also suffered from depression, and became co-dependant upon me before I even managed to reach adolescence.
I was asthmatic as a child, and ill on a regular basis. For this reason, my mother and my step-father decided to home school me. After that, I became extremely isolated, rarely ever left my house, and developed a social anxiety disorder.
By the time I was thirteen, everything that I had experienced in my life began to overwhelm me. I became severely depressed. I experienced anxiety, social anxiety, panic attacks... I lost the ability to concentrate, became extremely absent-minded, and my education began to suffer. I experienced insomnia during the night, and slept most of the day, finding it difficult to get out of bed and function regularly. I was always tired. I never had enough energy. Sometimes I would forget to eat for days... Other times I wouldn't be able to stop binging. I cried often, and if I wasn't sad... I just felt numb.
I hated myself. I hated my life and didn't believe that it would ever get better. I suspected that life was totally pointless, and didn't think that my death would matter. Maybe death would be the great escape. Maybe I should just kill myself...
I'm not going to talk to you about faith or miracles. I don't know what you believe and I'm not going to try to convert you either way. Let's just say... Something always kept me from doing myself harm. Maybe it was the fear that my mother would have an emotional breakdown if she found me dead. Maybe I still held a little hope, no matter how small that life would get better for me. Maybe I was just too stubborn to give up. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm still here, and I'm glad. Doesn't mean that I don't have problems anymore, doesn't mean I don't get disappointed or sad sometimes. It just means that when I'm sad, I don't want to kill myself anymore because I have faith that everything is going to be okay.
No one knew the extent of my depression. Everyone suspected that something was wrong, but they never said anything because I didn't talk about it. Finally... When I was nineteen I told someone. I told my family physician, a doctor that has treated me for everything from congestion to pnuemonia. I rode the anti-depressant roller coaster for six months, it didn't help, but that was the first step towards recovery. I am proud to say now that I have battled depression and won the war.
My advice to you... Don't give up. You're young, you have your life ahead of you, and... While the world is an ugly place, it's beautiful too. You still have a lot of beauty to discover, you still have a lot to learn, and you still have a lot to experience. Don't cheat yourself and end it now. Give yourself the greatest gift... The gift of life. The chance to keep on living.
Tell your brother about your problem. Let someone know what's going on. You don't want to stay in the place you are in by yourself. And once you've told him, seek professional help. See a doctor, see a therapist... See someone who is trained to help you, someone who can determine what the problem is and help you help yourself.
A doctor will prescribe medicine. It may or may not help in the beginning. But I would like to mention that I believe that medicine alone can not treat depression. You are going to have to take a good, long, hard look at your life and figure out what went wrong. Why do you feel the way you do? What went wrong? And how are you going to make it right? I know that must seem like a daunting task... But it's not as hard as it sounds. Nor is it scary. There is nothing more satisfying than knowing that you have control over your own life... That you can make your own decisions... And believing that within you is the power to make the right decisions.
And last... I'm not a doctor, but I think the blurred vision, eye discomfort, and headaches, could mean that you need to see an eye doctor. When you can't see very well (everything is blurry) you strain your eyes in an attempt to see better. Straining not only causes discomfort, but it can also cause headaches. So... Go see a doctor about the depression first, then see an eye doctor.
I don't know if anyone on this site, including myself has helped you in anyway... But I hope that someone did, or that someone will. I hope that you will find the courage to keep living, that you will seek the attention that you need. And all I can do is offer my prayers, and an invitation... If you ever need to talk to someone, my door is open. You know where to find me. ;)