|
Grew up w/out Father and now he wants a relationship
My Mom and Father were divorced when I was 3 yrs. I have 3 other siblings. We never revieved any contact throught our growing up years from out
Father. And just out of the blue he contact each of us and wants to have a relationship. I am hesitent. My Mother pass away 4 years ago. Each of us have had a brief phone conversation with he and to my sister and I he asked us to call him DAD... I was polite and said that I would stick with Sir for now. He has 1 other child that is in his 30's and is on drugs is not in contact with him. My Father has just recently retired at the age of 67. He did say the he was sorry to hear about Mom's death. I have mixed feelings and thats what I need help with.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Your father needs to earn the title "dad", so I agree with you on calling him "sir". If you want to go at your own pace and get to know him, I think that would be ok, but trust your instincts, and don't jump into anything. He is a stranger, and until you know him better, you should protect your feelings. Trust is earned over time, so don't let him rush you. He should be an "open-book", and you should be able to ask anything, and get a truthful answer. He needs to explain why he wasn't there for you, and you should be able to ask until you feel satisfied. If he gets impatient with your questions, watch out! Never go anywhere alone with him....always have someone with you, and a cell phone. Be careful..........................m
]
My parents divorced before I was born. I saw my father twice before the age of four... And about three or four years later he allowed my step-father to legally adopt me. I didn't see him again until I was in my early twenties.
I was very angry with my father. And why not? My mother told me that he was an awful person and that the reason he was not a part of my life was because he didn't love me. And he wasn't there to defend himself. So... I'm not sure how similiar your situation is to the situation I was in... But I think I can imagine how you must feel right now.
My advice... Talk to him. If you don't, you might not get another chance... And later you might realize that you have questions that only he can answer. For me... It wasn't about having a relationship. It was about gaining the closure I needed to put my past to rest.
And you don't have to have a relationship with him. I suspect that you are an adult. You probably feel like you're too old to start calling someone "Daddy." I completely understand, and I also understand that having him suddenly suggest that you do might actually make you angry. You don't have to call him "Dad," you don't have to foster a father/child relationship now. There is probably a lot of resentment, a lot of hurt... And you need to time to forgive. You can't just do it all of the sudden. That's okay. That's normal. You should probably tell him that, though I would like to mention that you don't have to be cruel about it. I know that may be hard, but don't hurt another person out of spite just because they hurt you. I promise, you'll regret it later.
Try not to expect anything. I tried to keep a clear head the first time I met my father. Truth be told... When you grow up being told that your father hates you, you don't waste any time dreaming up fantasies about your absentee father. So... Maybe it was easy for me not to expect. Try to do the same and at least you won't walk away disappointed.
You might want to try talking to him on the phone before (and even if) you meet him in person. This may be a good opportunity for you to ask him any questions that may be on your mind. I found it easier to ask the tough questions when I wasn't staring him in the face. And I think you need to be honest. I think you need to tell him if his absence hurt you, I think you need to ask him why he did what he did if you really want to know the answer. Then... If you decide that he's someone you want to get to know... Take it from there.
Even if you do have a relationship with your father, it probably won't be the typical father/child relationship... And you may never be able to be as close as you would like to be. And that's okay. After I talked to my father several times on the telephone, I made a trip to Texas to meet him for the first time. It went well. He was able to answer a lot of questions that I had, and I felt better... I realized that a lot of what my mother had told me had been exaggerated and unfair. That first meeting put a lot of issues to rest and I'm glad I went.
I still talk to my father. Usually, because I live in Georgia and he lives in Texas, we only see each other for a week out of every year. But that's okay with me. We spend more quality time together in that week than I did with my step-father in the sixteen years that I lived with him. And when we talk on the telephone, he listens to what I have to say. So... While I would say that our relationship isn't exactly typical... I feel like it's healthy, and I'm satisfied.
I'm not sure if any of that made sense. Sorry... It's been a long day at work and I'm suffering from sleep deprivation. I don't know if I helped... But if you have any further questions, or just need someone to talk to, you know where to find me. Best of luck. ;)
]
There is no wrong or right answer. Whatever you feel you want to do and whatever you decide is right for you to do is the only way to proceed. Don't let anyone pressure you to do or not do anything. Take your time and set limits to your contact if you do decide to get to know your biological dad. Sometimes in this situation, it is best to have very low expectations of what you will gain from the experience of talking to or visiting someone who has let you down in such a huge way. It is okay to have mixed feelings. That is normal. You have a right to feel whatever you want to at the moment, and to change your mind about it as often as you need to. You owe him NOTHING. Do what is best for you. Say what you want to say. Bless you and know that there are many many people in your same situation that would support you whatever you decide.
]
Mixed feelings about this issue are perfectly normal. You don't know the man from Adam really and all you have to go on is what you have been told about him.
Although you never said it outright in your letter I read between the lines and sense that there's something about him beyond never contacting you all these years that just adds to you not wanting a part of him.
I believe each person deserves another chance. You should meet with him but tell him this does not in any way mean you want a relationship afterwards. Tell him you have some hard questions as do your siblings that he must agree to answer face to face or to forget contacting you further.
You must show him how pissed off and emotionally scarred you are from him leaving and never having anything to do with you until now. Ask him flat out why he thinks he should be allowed to return all these years, be called dad and have a relationship with you and your siblings.
Tell him all of this before consenting to a meeting as you don't want to put yourself through anymore BS and pain again. I think he will unserstand this.
I have a feeling he genuinely wants to know you and your siblings. He may have had a good reason for divorcing your mother and she may have been the one to never let him near you for certain reasons. There's some secrets here that need to be solved.
There's a reason he wants to see you and it's because he knows something was screwed up and feels the guilt. I would meet with him but let him know politely that he might not ever have a relation ship with you after and that you will not call him dad ever because he was not the person who raised you.
I think you ought to hear the man out and find out why he suddenly wants to be part of your life. At 67-years-old he may have finally realized he made a HUGE mistake etc. etc. or he may have a terminal illness. You just dont know by some kind of suffering has led him to you again.
Your feelings are perfectly natural and he needs to be aware of them. It's up to you ultimately if you see him or have a relationship with the man but I think you owe it to yourself to at least get answers to some burning questions.
]
Of course you have mixed feelings! I think he will understand that too.
Lets face it. He has never been a father to you the way he should have been. I don't know why but he can probably explain that if he hasn't already. Its a little late in the game for you to treat him as a father now.
That doesn't mean though that you can't develop a friendship with him. I realize he has not treated you very well over the years but time has a way of slipping past us pretty quickly sometimes. It could be that by the time he grew up about being a parent he felt to many years had past and you wouldn't accept him. He probably would have been right if that is the case.
He is 67 now and probably figures he won't be around to many more years. Hes taking a chance and I really think you should give it to him. You can't be expected to call him dad so don't feel you have to. Consider him an old man who has made some mistakes in his life that he wants to try and correct while he still can. Thats all.
Like anyone else, if you don't like him, don't see him again. But I do think you would regret it years from now if you didn't give getting to know him a chance. Don't be afraid to ask him tough questions about why he never contacted you either.
I'm sure he expects it.
Good luck. :)
]
Well, really this decision is yours and only yours. If you want to try and attempt to get to know your father, you should try and start a relationship with him. But, if you're still mad at him for not contacting you and your siblings throughout the years, maybe you should take it slow and slowly build a relationship with him. Honestly, the choice is yours. So, try and take a long time to think about it, and think about the pros and cons of starting a new and better relationship with your father.
]
More Questions: |