I'm not here to tell you what to think or do, but to give you as much honest, accurate information as possible. If I don't know an answer to a specific question, I'll research it before replying. I won't sugarcoat things; my job is to tell it like it is.
I've got a particular interest in sexual health and sexuality. I know a lot about fertility and pregnancy - and firsthand now, as I've just had twins. I'm also an accredited sexual health worker.
Gender: Female
Occupation: Counsellor, writer, mother of twins.
Age: 31
Member Since: August 9, 2004
Answers: 1493
Last Update: November 5, 2009
Visitors: 172978
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ok well its only the third week of school ive missed 7 days so far and we can only miss 9 in a semester or quarter something like that but im sick so i cant help it. anyways i have FS in ALL my classes! jus because im missin 2 things its crazy. im in highschool and its really hard for me. english class is the hardest becuz i can never think of anything to write on essays or anything. and math is hard because i dont understand divison everything else it ok. my mom said if i keep my grades up i get a cell ( im in 10th ). she knows how much i want a cell so she uses that to make me get good grades. lately ive been really stressed because my ex boyfriend is always emailing me saying i have no life and im a bitch. then my bestfriend keeps sayin that im going to fail because ive missed so many days and ect. and all she does it put her problems on me and make them my problems. everyones just making it worst for me and making me worry. what do i do? how do i keep my grades up? thanks. (link)
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Wow. It sounds like you are very stressed. Here's the first thing I would do: As soon as you feel better, make an appointment with a guidance counselor for both you and your mother to attend. Make sure to bring a doctor's note explaining that you were ill. If you were genuinely ill and manage to bring your grades back up, the school should not penalize you.
Explain your problems to the counselor - maybe you need to be in a different math class or get some extra tutoring. If you don't ask for help out of the situation, you're not going to get it.
I would then focus on small things. Finish one essay at a time instead of thinking of all the other homework you have. It's easy to get overwhelming - some people like making lists of everything they have to do and then crossing stuff off once it's done.
As far as English class goes, aren't you assigned essay topics? If not, the thing to do is write about what made you the most angry, curious, or excited. You're bound to get a good essay if you write about something that actually matters to you. Speaking to your teacher can also help. There is no shame in asking for help. It's mature to recognize your problems and try to overcome them.
As far as your ex goes, you have two main options: You can let him affect your life, or not. This means you could just delete every email he sends you without opening them, which would probably cause you the least aggravation. He can't make things worse unless you allow him to.
As far as your best friend - let her know when she's bothering you. Tell her you're working to NOT fail, and her support is needed. Support is not telling you how badly you are doing.
It's also not a bad idea to let her know that you can't deal with two sets of problems - you'll want to listen to her and help her, but sometimes it's just not reasonable. It's okay to say that you need to focus on yourself for a little while. A good friend should recognize this.
Above all, breathe. You will get through this. The fact that you're asking for advice here tells me you will suceed - because you WANT to.
Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon.
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Okay, im thirteen and i have a boyfriend who is the greatest thing in my life right now, hes so suportive towards me..and i really would like to spend the rest of my life with him and i know alot of people are gunna tell me that im 13 and alot of things are gunna go on in my life that might change and i dont even know what love is, but trust me i do i know exactly what it is thanks too him, but anyways...we both wanna go further..cause we both have the same feelings for eachother, and i wanna go further but i dont know how far..i mean we have made out alot...and like fingered..whats next? help me and ill rate you (link)
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Sure, you love this guy. But love isn't a concrete thing - every new relationship you enter will show you new sides to love. Your personality isn't even fully formed until your mid-twenties, though, and you can't really love and understand someone else unless you can know and love yourself.
That aside, if you don't know how far to go, then don't go any further than you're at right now. In love or not, sex brings all sorts of complications - constant worries about pregnancy, the possibility of contracting a disease which could render you infertile or kill you, a higher chance of cervical cancer, etc. Sex also drastically changes the dynamics of a relationship - usually not for the better.
I think you should talk to your boyfriend about where you guy see this going. Figure out where you are both absolutely comfortable being, and experiment. Nobody in love wants to imagine that love could end, but it's healthy to take it all with a grain of salt. Think: 'If I did this, how would I feel if we broke up?'
Exploring sexual things and love for the first time is exhilarating, and you can never get that time back. Why rush?
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Okay I asked a question before about boners before. :/ Please dont delete this question, I need some opinions. When a guy gets a boner is his penis supposed to go up or straight. Somone told me its a sign of cancer. :( Is that true? Or does it have something to do with age? Help please!!!! (link)
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Erections can point straight up, straight out, to the left, or to the right. Every guy is different, and unless his erections are causing him pain, then there is nothing to worry about.
Think of a penis as a snowflake: no two are exactly alike.
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If you have sex and the next day you get your period how high or low are your chances of being pregnant? There was no conterceptive used.Please let me know what you think. (link)
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Well, the chances are that you are not pregnant. Your period is the shedding of the egg and uterine lining, which is what the egg would burrow into once it was fertilised.
That being said, there's still a chance you're pregnant; there is also a chance you have contracted an STD. STDs can be a mild inconvience, or they can render you infertile or dead. Some of them never go away and will affect every relationship you have in the future.
Time to go to the gyno for contraception, though you'll need to have yearly appointments now that you've started having sex. The younger you start having sex, the higher the chances for cervical cancer...so it's very important to get regular pap smears.
In addition to the pill, you'll want your partner(s) to wear condoms.
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I'm 14, and I have yet to wear a tampon! All of my friends do it, so I just pretend I do!.. I mean I've stuck one in there before, and it worked and it sticked, but I'm afraid like its going to go further, or I'm gunna try and pull on the stringy thing and its gunna break lose. Do you think any of those things could happen? Pllease help! (link)
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If you're putting the tampon in correctly, none of these worries have grounding.
You'll want to make sure that you fully insert the applicator all the way inside you before pushing in the plunger part. This ensures that the tampon is in deep enough that you will not feel it & that it will stay in place. If you do feel it, you need to gently push it in further with one finger.
It's not going to go deeper. Your vagina will not simply suck the tampon in - vaginas want to push things OUT, which is why many girls have a hard time getting tampons in a comfortable position. The string is also very strong; if you make sure you are gently and firmly pulling it when it's time to change your tampon, you have no worries.
If the worst happened and the string somehow got inside of you, all you'd need to do is take some deep breaths and fish around in your vagina to get it out. If you would not be comfortable enough to do that, perhaps you should practice in advance.
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My friend is annoying as hell. She considers herself punk. She wears HER OLDER BROTHER'S CLOTHES. And she literally wears a size 1, and her brother, in womans, is like a 5. So they're all baggy, and she wears his belts, shirts and shoes too. It's so annoying. She's really pretty, but she never shows it. She wears argile socks that don't match (literally, she miss-matches them on purpose) and her hair is PAST her butt. She hasn't had it cut in like 6 years. I hate that people look at her and talk about her funny, but seriously, it's so weird because she doesn't even dress or act like a girl. Should I tell her?
(link)
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First of all, there is no one way for a girl to dress. Some wear lipstick, and some would not be caught in a dress. It is not important to ensure tha you are wearing the right clothes, but to make sure that you are comfortable in the clothes you DO wear.
She's an individual, and as such she's wearing clothes which make her stand out.
I wouldn't tell her; I'd also consider whether you really want to be her friend. Friendship comes from the inside, not from the outside.
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I have a friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend. They decided to just remain friends. She is troubled because he's everything that she could possibly want in a future husband and he feels the same way about her in viewing her as the perfect wife but for someone reason feels god doesn't want them to be together right now. She is trying everything to show her love to him? What should she do? She feels a lot of hurt and is heartbroken over this? She's willing to do a lot to have him? (link)
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If he doesn't want to be with her right now, then there's not a lot your friend can do. Her ex might be using God as an excuse, or he could really have problems with their religious compatibility.
Neither person should have to change their beliefs, and hard as it may be, the best advice I can give you is to be there for your friend while she gets over this guy. Getting dumped is never easy, but it happens for a reason.
What she pictures as being 'perfect husband material' now will change a lot as she ages; hopefully she can remember this relationship as a sweet experience, but she'll need to move on with her life.
She might need more closure - why doesn't she ask this guy about his beliefs and why God doesn't want them to be together? Is God actually God, or an excuse for this guy? If your friend has some answers, she'll be able to see their complications and differences and move on.
Wish her good luck from me.
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Hey every1. Um my problem is a little embarrassing. I have this boyfriend that I have been going out with for a while now. I really like him, but he wants me to do all this sexual stuff. I don't want to do it but everytime I say no, he (its pretty embarrassing)tickles me under my arms. I am really ticklish in my armpits and each time i say no, he holds me down and tickles me. No matter how many times i tell him not to, he keeps at it. I really like him and I dont want to break up with him, but I cant stand much more sexual stuff and tickling. Please help me! Thanks!! Jen, 16 (link)
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Tickling seems like a friendly, funny thing for someone to do - but it is not. Your boyfriend is trying to force you into sexual acts.
Holding you down and tickling you when he knows you don't like it - that's his punishment for you. He's saying, 'Have sex with you, or I'll keep punishing you.'
You need to have a serious talk with him. Tell him a firm 'no' about the sex, and tell him the tickling has to stop...you don't think it is funny.
If you say these things and his beahviour does not improve, then it's obvious he does not respect you. You'll need to break up with him - having respect for yourself means you HAVE to - and then find someone else worthy of your affections.
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15/m
I'm having trouble with my step-mother because she makes it painfully obvious that she doesn't want me around. I've got one brother one step-brother and two step-sisters, and me and my real brother always get put down and have to do all the work in the house.She always complains at me and blames me for everything she also treats me horribly and she makes me feel sooo depressed...
I know this sounds like a whole lot of complaining but I am a sensitive person and I need to sit my dad down and have a talk with him about my step-mother. Her complaining has gotten me to the point of attemped suicide a couple of times. But I can never see him because he is always at work and when he is home I can't build up the courage to sit him down to talk. :( (link)
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You're right about needing to talk to your dad. If you can't work up the courage to speak with him - or find the time - why not write a letter??
Letters are fabulous because you can make sure you hit up every sngle point which is bothering you, what you think should be done, your emotions, your thoughts. Let him know about the depression and suicidal thoughts. Let him know you care for him and hope he'll help you figure out a good way to deal with everything.
This might mean your family getting some counseling. Adults and kids coming together in blended families have a LOT of issues to work through, and they can be so sensitive or angry that only a third party can help them out.
Take the first steps and make yourself heard. It's up to YOU to make sure your feelings are heard and considered.
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Well, there is this boy in my school named Greg and he is going out with a boy named Shannon. I really like him and we are becoming really good friends and stuff. He is telling me stuff so i think we are on the right track. I have had a hige crush on him since 6th grade and we've yet to go out. I don't know what to do. Do i need to change my looks to get him to notice me?
Signed,
A girl in desperate need! (link)
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Okay, if he's going out with a guy, then there's really nothing you can do.
And if he's going out with a girl, there's really nothing you can do.
He already noticed you. That's why you are becoming good friends. But a friend doesn't try to mess up a relationship; you also really don't want him to cheat on Shannon, as that means he would probably cheat on you.
I think I'd stay friends with him and see where everything goes. Chances are he won't be with Shannon forever, and then he'll turn to his best friend for support!;)
Good luck.
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ok well what do u do if u have a really close frined and then u get another good,nice friend and u want all 3 of u to hang out but the 1st friend doesnt like the new one?
its kinda like... u want 2+1 to equal 3...but it wont..? (link)
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I think your close friend is worried about being replaced. She might think of you as her 'territory' and be upset that there's competition. I would explain that you'll still be as close as ever, but that you want to hang out with this other girl, too.
You can explain you want all THREE of you to hang out; it's that or you going off with the new girl, which is just what your close friend fears.
I think having an open conversation will help. If your first friend just genuinely doesn't like the third girl, there's nothing you can do. Spend time with each of them separately.
Good luck.
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OMG...i really need to help my friend she needs help fast! she is 14 and she had sex with her boyfriend and she just found out that she iz pregnant. please dont leave advice like "oh she shouldn't have done that because she is a slut" and stuff because we really dont need to hear that and she isn't a slut because she really loves her boyfriend! she doesn't know how to tell her mom and she has no clue what to do she is just crying and crying and i'm trying to comfort her but what should i say (link)
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I don't know what you should say, but I think it should include 'I'm here for you and will support you.' Maybe that means you hold her hand while she tells her Mom what is going on.
She needs to tell as soon as possible, whatever her choices. Abortion is better the earlier it is done, and keeping a baby to term requires prenatal appointments and medical attention as soon as possible.
The other thing which complicates this problem - she'll want to get tested for STDs. As devestating as a teen pregnancy can be, STDs can ruin (or end) a life.
Good luck.
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ther is this boy who i know he keeps asking me out but i dont really like him. he is my friend and i dont want to hurt him. also everyone else makes fun of him and they call him gay. he is really nice but i dont know if i should go out with him what should i do. (link)
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If you don't like him, you shouldn't date him. That's not fair to you OR him.
I think you should just be honest and polite - upfront. Let him know that you are really flattered, and that you think he's a great guy, but you just aren't interested in him 'that way.'
Hopefully this will get the message across...and it also sounds like he might need a good friend.
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Hi, my friend from church is 18 and shes pregnant. She started going out with a non-christian guy and my youth group thought it wouldent be a good idea. She wont come to church, shes too ashamed. But my church + pastor has told her many times that we wont think of her differently. Because we dont! We love her so much and we wanna help her get through this. I miss her so much, I havent seen her in 2 months. :( She doesnt really like to talk to anyone from church. She only talks to her mom dad & siblings...I want to call her, but im scared cuz her bf might not lemme talk to her..or she might not talk to me..and i wouldent know what to say!! plz help in any way you can:) (link)
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I think you should definitely call her. Even if she was a non-Christian, she would be feeling shame and disappointment in herself. Being Christian only makes those feelings much more intense.
She's probably afraid to contact you, but I bet a phone call or visit would mean a LOT to her. As for knowing what to say, why not pray about it? Or imagine what you would want someone to say?
I'm imagining she'll want your support, and also a dash of normalness. Let her know what's going on in church, in your life, in school. You can be her connection to the outside world.
So call her. You'll do fine, and you'll make her day.
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all girls get a lump type thing when there breast start growing right? (link)
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Is the lump you are talking about the beginnings of a developed breast, or a tiny hard marble within the breast?
Lumps are not normal, but this does not mean they are all dangerous. You should check with a doctor to settle your mind - most breast lumps are just harmless collections of cells, but it's always best to double check.
I tend to think it's just your developing breasts - they'll grow in spurts, probably be uneven, and take all of your teen years to fully develop.
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um hello. bit curious about something. here goes. sometimes (im a 13 yr old guy) when im around certain ppl, i get really calm, my heart beat steddies, and things are warm and relaxing. it doesnt matter if its around girls or guys, its equal for both. does this happen to others? its been a wide span of ppl its happened to. from the mentally ill to complete strangers. im not bisexual or anything, im only attracted to girls i think guys are the filthiest of beings to stench the earth. anyway, does this happen to others? it doesnt really bother me, im just dreadfully curious. (link)
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You're just a person who is sensitive to other people. It's normal.
I don't know why these people calm you - they could remind you of others in your life, or just emit an aura/personality of strength and shelter.
It's no weirder to experience this than to, say, dislike someone on first sight. It's called a Geshtalt impression in psychology - did you know all of your emotions about a person are set within the first four minutes of meeting them? It takes a lot of time and effort to change your first impressions of someone.
So yeah. You're normal.
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ok im not a player or a guy that cheats i have friends taht are attracted to me.I always end up having sex with them i wanna know because after i have sex with them they get attached and they think there going out with me, or think i like them a lot and when they find out i had sex with other gurls they get all jealous wat should i do
should i stay with one out of all?
or should i just stop listening to my little head ?
(link)
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A girl thinks a boy has sex with her because he really cares for her and wants to be with her. You can't change that - it's how (most) girls work.
What you CAN do is tell your friends you have no interest in dating them; they might still harbour hopes, but at least you've been upfront.
Or, of course, you could stop having sex with your friends. You shouldn't date one 'just because', but you shouldn't go around breaking hearts, either.
I think being honest and perhaps using a little more discretion are just the ticket.
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hey im a 14 year old male and i need some help.see me and my family went on a camping trip well we camped next to this one family who had a 14 year old gurl. We kind of hung out and then it turned into a kinda love thing. She started getting up on me and we kissed. i dont no why but i like her alot. Well ne way they moved and we keep in touch by aim. but the thing is she is 3000 miles away and i cant strand being with out her. So one night i asked her outand she said yes
Is that fair to her to be so far away and go out wit her?
WAt do i do? (link)
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No, it's probably not fair to you or her. Long distance relationships at this age will dissolve into one or both of you feeling guilty when you find someone else, resentment that you are tied down to someone you never see, or just growing apart. It's probably best to just be friends.
It'll be painful, but dating someone who lives 3000 miles away is not realistic. Let her know you care about her, but that you don't think 'dating' like this is the best option. Who knows?
Maybe you'll keep in touch and go to colleges which are near each other.
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if a guy likes two girls... Ones 19 ones 15 and his 19... He likes both of them equally... Which one should he go out with... Or should he go out with both (link)
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Neither. If someone really, genuinely likes another person, then he/she can't like another person 'equally'.
I realize that this guy might not know these females well, but there should still be an intial connection which draws him to one or the other.
I also don't know how old you are, and that makes a big difference. A 15 year old is still a child, while a 19 year old is on her way to becoming an adult.
Personally, I'd wait until I found someone so irresistible that I would just KNOW I wanted to date them.
Good luck.
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(I asked this question to everyone before, but I have certain favorite columnists so I'll just ask them now)
Okay, well, there's a guy I know from MSN who I've been talking to for about a year now, friend of a friend, never met him in person. Last year we mentioned that it might be interesting to actually meet, though he did think that it might be a little awkward, but twice our plans got screwed up one way or another so we just dropped the subject. I didn't speak to him all summer because his computer broke down, and when he came back on I thought maybe I'd mention our idea again. He said he thought it might still be weird, but I said we should give it a try anyway because there was nothing to lose. He agreed and even suggested a place we could meet. A few weeks later, on a Friday, I said how about Sunday and he said yes, but we didn't decide on a time or anything, and come Sunday I didn't see him online until the late afternoon and he didn't even bring up our half-made plans. Anyway, the point of all this is that I really don't know what to do, whether I should keep trying or not. I really want to meet him because I like his personality but for all I know he finds me annoying. I don't know whether to let it go for another while so as not to seem desperate, or if I should just confront him and ask him to just tell me whether he wants to meet me or not so I can go from there. I really don't want to sound pushy. Sorry this was so long, but any advice would help. Thanks.
P.S.:Before I got answers about being careful because i don't know him. This is true, but I'm just telling you now that there's no need to worry about him being some old perv, I know 2 of his friends and random people who went to school with him, he ain't armed or dangerous, folks. :)
(link)
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First, it's good that you are thinking about safety. I will point out that just because someone isn't an OLD perv doesn't mean they aren't s YOUNG perv, but we'll move on...
I don't think it sounds like this guy wants to meet you. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it does sound like he was trying to politely put you off by saying it would be 'weird' to meet. Add that to the fact that he ignored you Sunday, and then didn't mention the plans at all the next time you talked....and I think it's time for you to find flesh-and-blood people to hang out with.
You'll have to think about how to go on; personally, I would gradually stop talking to the guy. He may be friendly or charming, but he's only interested in being an online personna. Maybe he's shy, maybe he just wants to chat online for fun, maybe he wants to be closest to people he actually sees every day.
Whatever his reasons, it's time for you to regroup and find people who DO want to spend time with you.
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