TimothyDanger's advice column

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Q: Im 25 and my ex is 24. She has a child that is not by me but never else I loved them both as if he was mine. We were together for close to two years. I proposed to her. After a week proposing to her she wanted to go and get eloped. I told her that I wanted to get a place and a vehicle before we got married. I didn't want to live 10 miles away from my wife. After i told her that she broke up with me and told me that i was too slow for her. I bought over 6 thousand dollars of diamonds and jewelry on her and she bought me a ring. When we broke up she told me that she wanted the ring back. I asked why. She told me that it was a symbol of her love and she didn't want me to have it. So i asked her for the stuff i bought her and she told me no because it was a gift. When we had sex I always gave her more than she ever gave. Did i do something wrong or what. Please help.

Was the ring she got you and engagement ring? If it is you might be out of luck because techinically an engagement ring is sort of a contract to get married. (Hey I saw it on Judge Judy once)

It sucks to have something end after a few years, especially after you have grown attatched, but honestly, you may want to count your blessings, something was moving way too fast for you, marriage is not something to enter in lightly and in the end, you may be better off.

Would you really want a ring to keep reminding you of that anyway? If it's not an engagement ring and you feel mean, trade her for some of the jewelry you bought her back, then pawn it all and take a vacation.

Q: k so iknow girls thin k about their loved ones like bf or the guy they are dating while listening to love songs...but i was wondering ..do guys od the same???

Yes we do. And it always stays with them.
I still cant listen to various songs by The Smiths, The Cure, Coldplay, or Smoking Popes without thinking of one of the girls in my past.

Q: Okay.

Would you rather have a girl that is easy and hot...
or
Would you rather have a girl who is hard to get and smart-nerdy-ish.

Yes... and YES!

Depends on the guy.
I like mine like I like my coffee. Hot, dark and bitter

Q: So a couple months ago I worked with a male employe at my job, at a very big corrporation food place, and another female. All that day he kept making very lewd ramarks about me and the other girl, we have to initial a cleaning list so he was taking each letters and making disgusting and very sexual sentences with our names. Then he kept mentioning how he really wanted to Fu** one of our female employes. Then when his shift was over he told me and the other girl that we should all hook up to have hot sex. He gave us his number and watched us for half an hour outside the store. I let it go, not happily but I thought at that time he was 16. Turns out he's 28. So the next day I worked alone with him and he insulted my religon and told a customer that my mom was a whore and he should go fu** her. In front of the mans six year old and wife. A day after I went and talked to my boss and it turns out this was his third sexual harrasment thing. So my boss grabbed the guy and had a half hour chat. Then he told me I'd never have to work with him again, and he used my name when talking to the kid and everything. However he screwed up and placed me and the guy to work together all night. So now the guy works with minors younger then me and now I'm close to b fired because I supposivly have issues with my manager who is OCD about everything and hates me since middle school. I really hate my job but If I leave the guy gets a clean slate according to my second manager. What should I do? The guys insaine and i don't want him getting away with more of this.

Sorry it was so long:()

Actually its against the law, and if he gets away with it again, your company is liable if they do nothing about it, there is no way in hell that he will get a clean slate if you leave (if your comapny doesnt want to be sued).
But you shouldn't have to leave, it is also the law to be protected against retaliation so you should never have to worry about losing your job because of this. You have a right to be happy and safe in your job.

Q: Hey, I'm a 17 year old male who just today, asked a girl who I really like. Oddly enough she said 'yes' but there is one little snag. She is my best friend's sister. I know that if I talk to him that this would probably okay and i know that if he's not okay with this I wouldn't go through with this but how do i approach him about this, should she be there or no? I just need help deciding how to go about this, I don't want to hide this from him at all so soon would be better than later, thank you so much for your advice in advance.

She shouldn't be anywhere near you two when you tell him.

If the two of you have talked about girls before, I wouldn't do it... he knows your carnal secrets.

If you have been keeping your conversations about those things pretty PG13.. well I would still tread carefully.

You got to remember that's his sister and he just doesn't see her the way you do, as a matter of fact he may turn a little more watchdog on you as a matter of principle.

Remember you are opening a Pandora's box when you do this, so really weigh it out.

Q: okay, so I am a 17 year old girl and a virgin. I've been in two relationships, only one of which I made out with the guy. Whenever we talked about sex he said that the fact that I was a virgin attracted him. I don't understand why he would say that. Do guys really think being with a virgin is attractive, it seems to me like it would be worse because, well... we have no experience.

You're not a 17 year old skank... that's a turn on at any age

Q: ok so tomorrow im going to the movies with this kid. i was going to have my mom drop me off, but the kid is taking the bus so he is going to get dropped off at the bus stop about ten minutes away. so im going to drive so i can go pick him up at the bus stop. but now, apparently the bus can drop him off at the theater. but he told me to "still take my car." so i know he is going to try to 'get with me' in the car. i dont know how i feel about this. i dont really want to do it. but hes deffintily going to try. i dont know how to say no or stop him. i could just say no, but he's very persuasive and he might try to convince me that i want to. but i know that i will regret it afterwards. please tell me how to get out of this situation. i do want to go out with him, i just dont want things to move too fast.

He has no car and he's that persuasive? He sounds like my drummer...

Tell him something came up at home and even though your parents wanted you to stay home, you have to do that right after the movie because you didn't want to break your date...

and tell him not to be late to practice, we have a show this weekend

Q: Male 26

Lately, it feels like my girlfriend is constantly saying hurtful and/or disrespectful things to/about me. And I can't tell if she's oblivious or not about how it affects me.

How do I make it clear that I still love her, but that what she says affects me a lot.

I dont really know your situation, but it sounds like she knows what she is doing, by your age alone, I know you are both adults and it probably her usual method of operation most alpha personalities have.
Here's some things to keep in mind...
Does she ever cut you down when you are happy about something?

Does she ever talk about your clothes, friends, or anything else on a semi regular basis?

Can you seem to do no right?

You could be dealing with someone who has personal esteem issues and doesn't want their partner to have it better off than them.
So you have a choice... personalities DONT change. Don't bother to change hers...

If you decide to stay (Ive done this with a few relationships before), learn to defuse the situation. Agree with her... (Yes honey, this shirt is ugly, but at least you know no one else will snag me up tonight, I'm all yours! Why dont you pick one out from this stack?)It's hard to fight with someone who agrees with you. Whatever you do, never let her know which comments hurt, because she will certainly bring out the big guns in a big argument.

Q: "If you have it [ Love ], you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, It doesn't matter much what else you have...",,,or so the saying goes. You see, I am in this relationship with a different nationality and religion as I am. We are both currently in a country where we are both expatriates. We've been together for more than one (1) year now. We both love each other, we have the normal quarrels that couples have. But deep in our hearts we love each other. We're like bestfriends where we can share each other anything, be there for each other no matter what. We have shared laughter and tears. But the thing is we both know that as soon as our visa expires and we are to go back to our respective countries, that would be the end of it. We both know it, its inevitable. It was hard for me to accept it before, until now actually, but slowly I have come to accept our situation. Thinking about our "doomed fate" made me feel a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Some of you might say, "then why the heck are you still in the relationship?!?". The truth? I don't know. I guess its something you can call L-O-V-E? Pretty stupid and lame huh? Or it could be I'm scared to be alone in a foreign country where you cannot trust everyone that you meet. Or perhaps because of the special bond I share with this wonderful guy. Deep inside I know I should let go before I fall too deep-in-love and later I won't be able to recover from the excruciating ache and grief...

I'm feeling particularly nice to cupid today, so instead of the typical move on speech, I will say this...
Stay.
You two have shared a bond being strangers in a strange land, you have a connection that others dont in that country.
If you think you are in LOVE, then never underestimate it. Love starts and ends wars, it makes top 40 songs, and it could just last over half a world away.
You're lucky. You live in an age where computers can make it possible to communicate everyday, who knows where you two will be in 5 years if it is meant to happen?

And never underestimate the power of the human spirit. It may suck to be parted from your partner, but ache and grief can be tools to make sure you are reunited even sooner.

Q: What do you do if you want to send somebody a friend request, but they require their last name and/or email, but you don't know either. And their profile is set to private.. and you have no way to contact them.. ?

You can still send them a message...

Tell them in the message that you apologize because you don't have their email and could they please add you instead. I do it all the time for my band when someone I know doesn't accept adds from bands, I will message them and say "hey it's me this is my band... I wanted to add you but your profile wouldn't let me." That's it.

Its usually nothing personal, some people set it like that to avoid those spam robots and they want to be sure it's real people contacting them.

Q: Alright so my sixteenth birthday has come and gone. I had won a big package by a recording studio in New York City and for a week we called and they told us that everything was set. Then the day of the party we went and they had booked paying customers and told us that they wouldn't do my party. I was so upset. So this year I want to do something nice. I'm not really a people person, not many friends who enjoy the same things as me, but I always go on shopping sprees so that's no longer actually special. My birthday is March 19 and I have no idea what I want to do. Does anyone have any ideas for something fun? I like Fashion, make-up, music, starwars, gossip girl. I hate big get togethers, dancing, and ' friends' get togethers.

If you have a backyard, get a DVD projector, and put a sheet up, watch STAR WARS in your backyard with your friends (or whatever floats your boat) You could dress it up with little garden lights and tiki lamps, be a nice little garden party... sophisticated yet not really trying.

Q: ok I undrstand he has a lot of friends that are girls. I have a lot of guys as friends. but when we walk down the halls he's saying hi and stuff to every girl!! I don't walk and say stuff to all my guy friends. I stay just to him. my question. what does this mean?? how do I stop it or something? and im 16 he's 17

Does he do it to EVERYBODY... or just girls?

I say hi to everyone I know... you never know when someone may have to bail me out of jail one day, I like to keep that friendship line open.

It probably doesn't mean anything, but look at the bright side... you have a lot of girls who know now you are with him when you walk with him and he says hi to them, you should befriend some of them, a few of his girlfriends on YOUR side wouldn't hurt now would it?

Q: so i'm 18 years old, female

whenever i'm with my friends who are all younger than me, everyone thinks i'm always the youngest!! it's like an insult to me. once my friends were talking about going to the club and this one guy asked if i was going and he was like wait, are you old enough to go? and one of my friends was like ha ha she is the oldest one out of all of us! it just makes me feel sad. i don't want to look like a little girl, who would want to? to me, i don't think i look so young but everyone else seems to think so. it's not like a wear young girl clothes and i wear make-up and do my hair? it's just something that bugs me and it's kind of an insult everytime someone thinks i'm the youngest when realy i'm older than everyone else ! is there anything i could try, or anything i could do to try and look my age?

You see that handsome devil in the picture on my advice column? He is happy when he gets carded for alcohol.

It might be an insult now, but trust me, when you are a little older you will thank your lucky stars for your youthful glow.

I realize that doesn't help now, but I'll tell you this, a lot of guys (myself included) dig the youthful look... many guys ask for your age because they just want to confirm you are old enough to come along in their reindeer games.

If you really want to look older, try a darker hair color, perhaps some black frame glasses, and an updated sophisticated wardrobe. (after all that glitter stuff is for kids)

Q: 16/f
So, this guy wrote me a note today and told me he liked me and he wanted to get to know me, etc. He said he was nervous at first to talk to me but he asked for my number and i gave it to him and he keeps calling but i am scared to answer it because i only met him today...and i'm not sure if i ike him like that. He is really nice and sweet already and we talked a lot at school but i get really nervous whenever i talk to guys on the phone for the first time. I only met him today, so is it mean not to answer the phone and wait until i know him a little better. I would be more comfortable then but i don't want to tell him that so what do i do? thanks!

If you're nervous answering the phone, trust me, you have no idea how much brick shitting he is doing trying to call you. He is psyching himself up every time, he probably has rehearsed his first few sentences in the mirror just to make sure he sounds confident... and he probably has notes scribbled on subjects just in case the conversation dies down.

How will you get to know him better if you dont answer the phone? Do it, it will take a lot less pressure of you and him cause you won't have to see each other when you talk. Just talk about normal stuff friends talk about, the heavy subjects wont come till later, and by then you will know if you want to pursue it.

Q: Okay...is it possible for guys to get an erection while they're...being sexual with a girl they have no attraction to? Like if they were hugging, the guy wouldn't...would he?

Hell yeah it's possible. We have no control over those things trust me.

Q: Hi, I have a huge problem.. well I'm in the worst position ever! my boyfriend well [ex].. is going to iraq on may.. and I'm moving to PA on june. We had to break up because of the situation were in.. We recently started going out and we felt so close together, like its amazing.. and for once in my life, my life is actually settled I know what college I want to go to is culinary [I want to become a chef =)] I have a great boyfriend.. which he is very sweet and respectful. & I've I had my bad luck in relationships. but to get straight to the point. the reason why we broke up is because we don't want to get hurt in the long run. because we got so attached & close to each other.
he calls me baby & sweetheart everyday.. but I can't listen to that because I miss him so much and I want to be with him.. do you think I should tell him that " I don't care about the situation and that I want to be with him" or should I just leave it.. and wait to see what happens. and I know he misses me because everytime he sees me, he says all I want for the new year & christmas is for you not to move & stay with me.. it isn't fair.. stuff like that gets me thinking you know... I don't know what to do or say!
please help!!!!!!
by the way I'm 18 & he's 21. we've know each other for 2 years. but actually started talking around august and started dating september.

You're 18 and going to culinary school away from home. He is 21 and going to IRAQ (I assume the military)

Advice:
make a date to meet up in 4 years. You'll be done with school, his tours will be up and you will both be more wordly and have bigger eyes for the world.

"If you love something... set it free. If it comes back to you... it's yours"

You owe it to yourself (and he does to himself) to live life and not waste the best young years pining and feeling sorry for someone half a world away.
Yes... this seems like crappy advice, but in the long run it will be better for both of you. In the meantime, I would be the best badass cook I could be, take care of myself and work on being a success story to impress him when that 4 year window is up.

Q: Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been having trouble lately. We broke it off for a bit because we thought it would be best. But now we're talking again. You see, he wasn't the best boyfriend in the world. I mean, he's a great guy...he's loyal and truthful and he really does love me (and I also love him)...but he never did that stuff boyfriends do, all the little things. All the sweet little gestures that let you know he cares. Is that asking for too much? He told me he's gonna try to do some of that, but he can't change his whole personality. Should I stay with him and see if it works?

You didn't list an age, so I will assume you are in your teens. I mention this because in your young life and the many relationships you will have, you are going to be searching for what is in front of you already

"loyal and truthful and loves you"

Any guy will do the "little" stuff. Especially at first... It's the only way we can con girls to sleep with us.

So you may want to consider instrad of him changing pieces of his personality how much of your personality is willing to put up with what will always fall short.
Relationships are work. Sure you guys may not seem like a storybook couple, but I will bet 20 bucks that your friends that are the storybook couple will be broken up in 6 months or marry young and lead a dead end life. (sounds rough, but you're young so you have years to make the mistakes us old timers have)

In the end, it's really up to you and how much you can stand. I would make a list of good and bad things, make a point system and really look on paper what he does good and bad, and weigh them out. It should be a lot clearer then.

Q: i'd really like to do something nice for my boyfriend, just because. something that doesnt cost a lot but means a lot.
i've made him a cd for him before of all the songs that remind of us each other.. and for the front and back cover i custom designed it with pictures of us. he loves it.. he listens to it everytime he's in his car.

i really want to do something else like that for him because he's such a great boyfriend and i want him to know how much he really means to me.
any ideas?
thanks a bunch! :)

Seriously, go to Shutterfly and make him a picture book, I think a 20 page book runs about 23 to 25 bucks (not sure how much you wanted to spend, but its about the price of a DVD these days)
The books are hardback and look totally professional like something you would see in a bookstore.
You can fill it with pictures of you two, and it would really catch some compliments. (I have one myself and people love to flip through it)

Q: I am 17/f(18 in june) years old. i have been dating a boy on and off for 3 years.. he is turning 20 in February. and i hate him o so bad these days... we fight about the stupidest things and we never go anywhere. he hates my friends and its not fair.. its just not right, i treat him like he is my son. i get him up and off to school because he is still in high school for the 3rd time in a row! he is a senior(as am i). i cant stand anything he does anymore and i never wanna be around him.. i always think of some excuse on why i don't wanna have sex with him and i just don't want to deal with it.. but i feel that it is my mission in life to get him to graduate finally. and i am going to do that. and he is graduating on Jan 15 and leaving Jan 16 to go to Las Vegas to see his best friend in the air force. i know i want to break up with him, i just don't know when and how to do it.. he has been my life for the past 3 years. i don't know how i could do that to him. i have hurt him so many times before but because of things that happened when we were not together for a moment. he is just always yelling at me and thinking i am cheating on him. he blames me for losing all his friends and not graduating his first year being a senior. he works sleeps and goes to school and sees me... that is his whole week. he is so stressed and i cant be with him anymore.. we remind me of my mom and dad who had been together since they were seventeen. and they fought and eventually got physical and my dad cheated on my mom and all this shit was going on and they started doing coke and my mom became a crackhead.(she is now 1 year and 4 months clean) i mean i have had a hard life. and i do not plan on reliving it.......** but about 6 months ago i met this girl she instantly became my best friend (shes 20)... she is amazing. i mean her personality is amazing. shes beautiful and she treats me better than anyone has treated me before. i care about her so much. i cant stop thinking about her. i missed her so much when she left for Maine. she was gone for a week and she told me she was pretty sure she loves me. and im pretty sure i feel the same. is it a bad thing that i like her? i never liked a girl before. any advice on how i should act on all this? sorry its really long but i feel a lot better now that its all out.

Your 17 and you have a choice.
You have a choice of what clothes you want to wear tommorow, you have a choice of which college you want to apply to, and you have a choice of who you want to date.
At your age you SHOULD be dating and trying new things... you shouldn't be tied down by some guy who blames you for his first go around as a senior (who did he blame his second time?)
Yes it will suck to cut him loose, but you just got to do it, you dont want to be stuck with him for a few more years unhappy and unfufilled and then just explode one awkward Thanksgiving dinner at his family's home. (Hey I know people, that's actually happened)
As for your other friend, I say rock and roll, just be careful to not use the word "love", it's over rated and it carries tones you guys may not want to use until you're sure.

have fun.. take pictures (just kidding)

Q: I'm 26. For ages I've stayed a virgin for a number of reasons, but finally I decided I wanted to sleep with a guy I just started seeing. He knew I was a virgin and after only seeing each other a few times we had sex. He's been really sweet. However, I got out of a bad relationship a few months ago and was really hurt emotionally. I'd made a mental pact to date more than one guy once I started dating again, just for my own self-preservation. So now that I am dating again, there are a few guys that have asked me out. I'm interested to date 3 guys at once, but have to wonder, now that I'm sleeping with one (using protection and on birth control), what if I want to sleep with the other two guys? Would that make me a slut?

Actually I think you're probably just making up for lost time. As long as you are not in a committed relationship to one person, how are you supposed to know you found the right person until you tried a few flavors out? Both guys and girls do it (only guys dont have the stigma girls do socially), so rock and roll.