I'm not here to tell you what to think or do, but to give you as much honest, accurate information as possible. If I don't know an answer to a specific question, I'll research it before replying. I won't sugarcoat things; my job is to tell it like it is.
I've got a particular interest in sexual health and sexuality. I know a lot about fertility and pregnancy - and firsthand now, as I've just had twins. I'm also an accredited sexual health worker.
Gender: Female
Occupation: Counsellor, writer, mother of twins.
Age: 31
Member Since: August 9, 2004
Answers: 1493
Last Update: November 5, 2009
Visitors: 173022
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I am a thirteen year old female and I don't want to live my life anymore. My ex boyfriend and ex best friend are almost going out even though they know I still have feelings for him. My sister has ADHD so my parents have to give her alot of special attention and there are about three family arguments a day. I gave up self harm about a month and a half ago but now I have started again because I am so depressed. I make constant threats of suicide and I suffer from very low self confidence. I am rarely happy and when I am it is short lived. I desperately want my ex boyfriend back and keep thinking that if only I still had him then I would be happy. I have a male friend who I talk to about almost everything and he is very supportive but he can't help me. What should I do? (link)
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Talk to a professional. Ask your mother to make an appointment with a counselor for you.
It sounds as if you have a lot going on in your life, and it can make a big difference to have someone neutral to talk to. They'll focus all their attention on you, which is something that doesn't seem to be happening in other areas of your life.
Your ex is only another problem on your list, and I can understand why the situation upsets you. But at the heart of the matter, having him back would NOT help you feel better - he wouldn't make your sister magically well, make your family get along any better, or significantly raise your self-esteem.
It's about how YOU feel about you, not how other people do. You obviously have some strength within you, since you once gave up self-harming. Use that strength to get yourself help.
You deserve to be listened to.
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I think I have depression, I've got almost all the symptoms on this website, and I've felt like this for about 5 months. I don't know how to tell my mum; she's so old fashioned and she thinks that young people can't get depression, and I'm 14 so she won't believe me. I started crying this morning for a stupid reason but I was feeling depressed, and she just said, "oh, here we go." She won't believe me if I tell her. I don't know who to tell, my friends are immature and won't understand - or they'll laugh about it, 'cos I'm good at hiding how I feel and I smile when I'm feeling bad so no-one notices. I can't make a doctors appointment myself, and I don't know how to get a counsellor, and anyway I also think I've got social anxiety so I wouldn't be able to say anything for them to help. How can I get rid of this depression because lately I've been considering suicide and looking on the net for ways to go about it. Thanks xo (link)
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Here are the people you can talk to: A school guidance counselor, a school nurse or psychologist, a teacher, an aunt, a confidential and free helpline (do a search on google).
Ultimately, you do need to see a doctor. It can be hard to deal with a parent who refuses to see what's in front of her face, but the reality is that many teenagers suffer from depression and related illnesses. A professional is the only person who can help you, either by offering medication, a referral to a counselor, etc.
Ask your mother to make you a doctor's appointment. You need only say you've been feeling poorly lately and want to talk to a doctor. If she refuses, you can call the doctor yourself and see if you can have an appointment. If all these options fail, there are people in your school who are there to help you deal with these problems - and your mother's attitude to them.
Suicide isn't an answer. Committing suicide only means that you never get the chance to work through your problems. It does sound as if you are suffering from poor mental health - remember that when you feel like harming yourself. You need professional health.
Take some of that energy you've got searching online about suicide and search for a way to tell people close to you how you are feeling. If you tell your mother you are considering suicide, she will definitely make you an appointment with a doctor - there's nothing to feel embarassed about, so just be honest.
Best of luck.
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okay i have HORRIBLE mensrtual cramps and i got my period just last night and i ended up going to the emergancy room because of the pain, i threw up and everything. i got home and i felt better and i took a nap but i woke up in pain again ive already takin every medicine that i can...please help :( how do i get rid of the EXCRUSIATING cramps?!?!? (link)
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You should go see a gyno. They can do various tests - if you are regularly having cramps this intense, there could be a medical reason for it. It's most likely a minor problem, but a doctor can sort you out and find you some stronger medication or treatment.
Your options are to see a doctor and get put on the pill, get proscribed stronger pain killers, get tested for various problems related to menstruation....and then get sorted out...
Or you can try some home remedies if your cramps are only bad on occasion. These include heating pads, exercise, cutting down on salt, drinking plenty of water all month long, etc.
Generally, though, it's always best to see a doctor anytime you've got problems with your body. They're trained in how to best help you, and there are several options to help control cramp pain.
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It seems that I am somewhat different. By this I mean that I am quite mature for my age, and am very outgoing spontaneous person. I am somehow taken granted for by the people around me who I give advice to and listen to their problems. Who am I to turn to when my whole life is falling apart? Basically, what I am trying to say is; How come no one notices I am dying on the inside? Also, why do people blow me off when I am trying to help? Just please come up with something to somehow help...
(I am 14 and Female) (link)
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People will never know you're sad unless you tell them.
Look at your situation - people come to you for help, you advise them, etc. They obviously think you've got a clear head, and if they've gotten used to you being the one who sorts everyone else out, they might forget that YOU sometimes need sorting out.
Find a friend or two you trust and tell them how you feel. It takes a strong person to open up and be vulnerable, and it feels incredible once you start getting support. Telling people how you feel will help you get help.
And as for people blowing you off when you try to help? I would say that you probably shouldn't offer advice unless they ask for it. People who aren't ready to hear other people's opinions will usually ignore the advice giver.
So basically? Build up some two-way relationships with people, full of give and take...honest, genuine, and open.
Best of luck.
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I think I have depression. I'm crying right now, and I'm not even sure why. I've been thinking about dea and searching on the internet for ways to commit suicide just now. I feel as though my life isn't worth living, I'm getting worse at school and I'm not going to ever get a job or get married because I'm worthless. I've always been shy but instead of acting upset and stuff in front of people I try to act happy so they don't notice that I feel so low, but it hurts, I feel as though they don't care even though they probably have no idea. I can't tell them, my friends are immature and just wouldn't understand. I feel as though everything's my fault, and like I'm the worst person in the world. I keep taking my anger out on my dad, I don't want to but sometimes I really can't help it; he was staring at me today and I just started yelling at him, it's like I've gone mad because I never used to shout at all. I don't ever go out anymore and I find chatting and going out boring and pointless. I can't ever concentrate on things for long; even television and chatting to people. I've got into a sleeping pattern a few months ago where every day, I can't sleep until at least 2:30AM, even on schoolnights, and then I go to bed because I'm so tired when I get home from school, and my parents won't let me have time off school to get into a normal pattern again. I've also been thinking about self-harm, I don't do that yet because I'm not sure how to, but I'm going to find out because I have nothing better to do. PS I've been feeling like this for about 4 months now, and no-one has noticed how I feel :| I'm really sorry this is so long but I need help. (link)
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No one can know how you feel if you don't tell them. If you can't tell your friends, what about your father?
Or ask to have an appointment made with your normal doctor - you can choose how much to tell your father about why you want the appointment. Your doctor will be able to give you more information about your options.
You don't have to feel this way.
It's normal to feel mentally distressed at points throughout life, but if you can manage to pull yourself out of the depression long enough to tell one person how you feel, you've started on the road to recovery. Your friends don't have to know, though you can start opening up to them about less important things.
You don't have to be the funny one or the happy one in order to be loved. Your doctor can help you figure out the best way to manage how you're feeling right now, and if you speak to him/her chances are you'll start feeling better a lot more quickly than if you wait for this to go away by itself - and with less bad feelings and chance of self-harm.
Be strong for yourself, and admit where you are weak. It takes a brave person to be vulnerable. Best of luck.
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hi i have a friend that is WAyy to prideful of her backround. she like, bases her life on it. il use an example, say if she were spanish, shed make a sn that would be like spanishbaby or cutie spanishgirl and she has nicknames, real nicknames that are words in spanish like guapa or buena chichi chicana etc or some crap like that, and her whole family speaks it n shes always singing songs in it, and talking it to me. shel say something and then il be like what?? and shel say it in english, like "it means im so cool in spanish". and always wearing clothes that represent it, and rarely does she have friends that dont speak it. and her whole room is decorated in it, and she wears jewelry representing it, and shes always like "you cant speak it stupid" or she always like "oh shutup you cant even speak it" if i try to say a word, and shel just go up to random people and be like haha she cant read spanish. im not saying i dont like her i maen its just getting SO annoying, i wouldnt be so annoyed if maybe i spoke it too, but im just getting terribly sick of it. shes always talking it to people behind my back..laughing at me with another person, what do you think i should do? (link)
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Well, I think it's perfectly okay to be proud of your heritage. In fact, I think it can be a really emotionally healthy thing if expressed in the right way. Your friend seems to be going a little over-the-top, and that could be for one of two reasons.
First, she could secretly be uncomfortable with who she is. People can act in an over-confident way when they really don't feel confident at all. Maybe she thinks that by pointing out her differences, nobody else can do it in a way that will hurt her.
Second, she just doesn't sound like that nice of a person. She's using her heritage as an excuse to treat you in a shabby way, and that's never okay. If she's talking about you behind your back or making you feel uncomfortable, then you can say something. After all, you trying to speak Spanish is a COMPLIMENT to her and your friendship.
If she doesn't respect where you're coming from, then I'd think about finding friends who do. Best of luck.
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hi, uhhh its kinda hard to talk about this but, I dont know what to tell my boifriend, I mean he asked me if I was a virgin or not n i keep aboiding the question, you see when I was 13 I was rapped, what should I tell my boifrien? should I lie or tell him the truth, do you think it will effect the relationship?
thanks so much (I rate well!!!) HaLeY
(link)
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It's totally up to you what you decide to share, and when. I would avoid telling lies, simply because they have a way of coming back and biting you in the butt.
If the only reason you don't want to tell him is because you are afraid of his reaction, then you might want to think of all the possible ways he could react and how you would feel about each of them.
Getting raped was not your fault. A caring boyfriend who respected and loved you would not blame you for this, though he may be concerned about your emotions and feel a little uncomfortable initially. If he reacts in any other way, then he's not the right person for you.
This is a hard subject to talk about with people, but if you really understand and accept that it's a part of your past you are not responsible for, it can be easier to speak to people about it. If you've never spoken to a professional (like a counselor or therapist) about it, it might be a good way to practice talking about the experience.
Best of luck.
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Okay I'm 15 and my boyfriend and I have been talking about having sex. Well I have a few questions....
1) I'm not a virgin but I told him I was. The 1st and only guy I had sex with was very small and I was wondering if my (virgin) boyfriend would be able to tell I wasn't.
2) Also...after sex do things change between the two people? (link)
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No, your boyfriend won't be able to tell. Your vagina does not become a gaping tunnel just because you've had sex; also, he's a virgin and has no idea what to expect.
That being said, I think it's always best to be honest about sex.
As for whether or not sex changes things, I think in most cases it does. This can be for the better or worse....why not look at your last experience? How did having sex affect your relationship? Why did that relationship break down?
If you are truly honest with yourself about your emotions, thoughts, and past experiences, you'll be less likely to make big mistakes. Good luck!
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There are 16 people (all girls) who I'm getting valentines day gifts. What should I get them? Don't make it too expensive.
(link)
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I'm all about the homemade gifts.
I don't know if it's appropriate for Valentine's Day, but if these gifts are for close friends it could be fun.
Bake giant cookies, and then buy cookie decorating stuff. Make each cookie personalized to look like the friend you're giving it to - glasses, hair colour, smile, etc.
You could even take a picture of all the cookies together (if this is for a group of friends) and give a copy to every person along with her cookie.
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hey
i'm a 16 year old gurl and i just recently started going out with one of my friends(gurl)and i dont know if i'm bi but i think i like her....anyways when i'm not with her i think about her but when i'm with her it feels odd and i dunno i just dont know how to act.....from what you here does this sound normal to you? and if i get anything like.....no its not normal cuz your with a gurl....i will give a very low rating anyways thx in advance to those who help! (link)
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Everybody has the potential to feel weird in a new relationship, no matter what their gender or the gender of the person they are dating. There's the ever-awkward questions - does she like me as much as I like her? Will our noses bump if we kiss?
I think what makes this a little more strange is that it's your first girl-girl relationship. Ultimately, this is no different from any other sort of relationship; until you feel comfortable with that idea, and who you are, you're bound to feel somewhat strange.
I think you need to do two things....the main one being relaxing. Just go with the flow, see how things develop, pay attention to your feelings. If things work out, great. If you're still feeling umcomfortable, then I would try to figure out if you feel that way because it's a new relationship, or possible because you aren't with the right person.
Awkward can be delicious and exciting or new, or it can be plain uncomfortable and draining.
Good luck.
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What do you actuallie do in a tanning salon ? (link)
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It depends on the tanning salon.
Fake tan salons will spray you down. Normal tanning salons usually have tanning beds. They require you to strip down to a bathing suit, wear protective goggles, and spend a fairly short amount of time in the bed. It usually closes down over you for full body tanning.
Removing the goggles can damage your eyes.
Excessive tanning can increase wrinkling of the skin as well as skin cancer.
If a tanning salon doesn't sound right for you, there are loads of home products you can safely use in the privacy of your own bathroom.
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I am a 17 year old female, and my boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months (He is 18). We first had sex in the middle of August, and we are always very very careful. We always use protection and he pulls out before he ejaculates. Last month, my period came 3 days early, and it was a little different than usual-- It was light in the beginning of the day, and then later on the night it was heavy like normal, and the next day it was heavy, but for the rest of my cycle it was pretty light. I was a little worried about it so I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I tend to worry about things A LOT more than I should, so I think that stress could have played a big factor in this. I just wanted to know what you thought, thank you so much!
--Holly (link)
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I think you're right. Stress can create havoc within our bodies, especially with regards to periods. Women who are overly stressed can sometimes be weeks late; this isn't a myth, it's fact.
Our hormones do not stop and start in one tiny area, but our whole body is interconnected.
I think you've been doing everything right - taking precautions, taking a pregnancy test, etc. You probably not pregnant, so that's not the issue. What IS the issue is your worrying...being instensely anxious about something is a sign that you need to take extra steps to reassure yourself.
If you are comfortable and confident in regards to your relationship and sex, then why not consider going that extra step? Condoms are a wonderful thing, but using two forms of birth control can't be bad. Once you start having sex you need to be seeing a gyno anyway. You're getting to be an age where you'd have to go anyway, so that should erase any awkward conversations you might have with a mother or guardian.
When you're seeing your gyno, ask about other birth control options. There is an element of chance with any birth control option, so using a little overlap will help set your mind at ease. Using condoms AND a second form of birth control helps cover all the bases more safely and accurately.
At the end of the day, you need to be doing whatever makes you feel safest and least worried. Good luck.
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ok me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 months and weve knnown eachother for a year and we havent really done anything yet...i go to his house every wednesday and we are home all alone..and we just havent done anything...hes not the innocent boy i mean hes not a virgin and neither am i (only once) lol....but i dont knw...weve done handjobs, fingering etc..but not oral or intercourse....he says he doesnt want to rush me into anything because he loves and respects me and my body...im really ready though too and i think he is too...we are only 16...the only fear im having is PREGNANCY! what is the best type of condom, how can you prevent it to break, etc? (link)
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Condoms: Look for an expiration date, an official mark signifying it's approved, and that spermicidal lubricant is used.
On indidivual packets, check for rubbing marks or anywhere the packet looks worn. Don't use it if in doubt. Squeeze the packet to make sure that it is airtight - a pocket of air should form. This shows that the packet has not been breached in any way.
When ripping the packet open, push the condom to one side before ripping.
Make sure you and your boyfriend know which way it needs to roll on - practice BEFORE having sex. It should roll smoothly down; if he accidentally puts the tip on backwards, that condom needs to be thrown away as the pre-cum can get you pregnant.
When the condom is rolled down the penis, the recepticle tip needs to be squeezed at the same time. There should be no air inside. A man ejaculates at about 30-40 mph, and that recepticle needs to catch sperm. If there's air in it, it will burst.
Only ever wear one condom at a time. Do not use a male and female condom at the same time. Only water based lubes are okay; if you have any oil, lotion, or other substances on your hands, WASH THEM before touching the condom.
When sex is done, your boyfriend needs to hold the condom's base when he pulls out. This will make sure he doesn't leave the condom in you.
Once you start having sex you need to start seeing a gyno, and you should talk to him/her about the possibility of using a second form of birth control.
Read all the instructions on the packet, be careful, and you'll be fine. There is a small failure rate with condoms, so be sure to use them correctly each and every time you have sex.
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i gave my boyfriend a hand job, he came and a lot of the semen went on my hands. i wiped off most of it with a piece of paper and after awhile it dried off. about 1 or 2 hours later i came home and I washed my hands a couple of times and then I fingered myself. is there any chance that I could be pregnant? Or am I being insanely paranoid? Does soap kill semen very well? (link)
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I think that being insanely paranoid can work in your favour, except when you end up worrying about things which probably don't need to be worried about.
I honestly think the chance of you being pregnant is unbelieveably small. You wiped most semen off your hands, time passed, you washed your hands. Let's face it - there was basically no chance that sperm was still on your hands.
I've done a bit of research on whether or not soap kills sperm, and I can't actually find a lot of consistent info on that topic. But sperm does not last long outside the human body, so you're probably safe.
(Keep washing your hands, though. That CAN kill germs, which is always a good thing.)
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well, my friend told me that before you use a tampon there is a piece of skin that the tampon wiil break! I am 14 and i haven't started my period yet! Does it hurt the first time you put a tampon in? Is there a piece of skin? Thanx 4 helpin! (link)
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I think the piece of skin your friend is referring to is the hymen. A lot of people imagine it as this thick piece of skin which has to be 'popped', but that's actually a bit of a myth.
The hymen is actually fairly thin, and most girls don't have much left by the time they hit the teen years. Riding bikes, horses, etc can break the hymen. Even if it remains 'safe' from those activities, it starts to naturally disintegrate.
This doesn't mean that putting a tampon in won't be uncomfortable, though. To make it easier, read all the instructions. Look at diagrams on the internet. Take your time. Buy mini-tampons. If it doesn't work out, try again the next month.
Putting a tampon in for the first time can be tricky, but once you figure out the right angle you'll be able to do it blindfolded. Putting in a tampon SHOULD NOT actually hurt, so if it does stop what you're doing and try a different angle.
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I'm really scared bcus i'm only 14 and i've found out i'm pregnant. my ex doesnt know bcus we had a really bad fallin out and my mom wud totally freak if she found out. Wt shud i do. i'm scared to tell enyone even by best friends! i just act normal but i can nevva take my mind off it! (link)
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How did you find out you were pregnant? Unless you've taken a pregnancy test - and had it confirmed by a doctor - you can't be sure.
Whatever you want to do, you need to deal with the situation. If you choose to have an abortion, there is only a limited time frame in which you can do so - and if you do it early enough, you don't even need surgery.
If you choose to carry the baby to full term, you need to be getting medical advice on your diet, health, and the baby. Regular check-ups will need to be a part of your life.
If you are afraid to speak to your mom, do you have another adult in your life you could speak to about this? Like I said, you need to be forcing yourself to think about your options and what is best. You can contact your local Planned Parenthood or health clinic to speak to an adviser who can help you come to a decision.
As hard as it is to face this situation, you're not doing yourself any favours by ignoring it. Be strong.
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i think that i am pregnant but i don't know! I don't wanna buy a pregnancy test cause i am only 15! I don't wanna go to the doctor because they may tell my parents! If i am pregnant should i abort my baby or just live with it? Please help i am soooo scared! (link)
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One thing at a time. You don't need to worry about how to tell your parents or whether to have an abortion yet. The very first thing you need to consider is whether or not you are actually pregnant.
You are going to need to buy a pregnancy test. Your age does not matter. The clerk might raise their eyebrows, but who cares? They don't know you. Tampons, condoms, pregnancy tests - these things are bought every day at pharmacies and they have no right to judge you.
When you get the test home, or a friend's house, breathe. Open the packet and read every word of the intructions. You'll want to make sure you do it correctly.
If the test is negative, great. Wait a week or two and if your period still hasn't come, take another test. It can sometimes take awhile for the pregnancy hormone these tests look for to appear in your blood - if you read the leaflet in the test, it'll tell you whether you can take it as soon as you think you could be pregnant, as soon as you miss your period, or two weeks after your missed period.
If you retake the test and it's still negative but no period appears, you'll need to see a doctor. Ask your regular doctor what his/her policy is on confidentiality since you are underage. If you aren't happy with their answer, you can get tested for pregnancy elsewhere - such as Planned Parenthood. Once you know you are not pregnant, then you can safely see a doctor with your concerns.
If the test is positive, you'll want to see a doctor to confirm the test. Again, try Planned Parenthood or call your local health clinic. If you are definitely pregnant, then you can explore your options. A doctor or other professional can explain all that is on offer - surgical abortion, abortion by pill, adoption, or keeping the baby.
It's a big decision to make, but worrying about it now could be stressing you out - and causing your period to be late. Basically, you need to get that pregnancy test because whether you want to abort or keep the baby, it's best to seek medical attention as soon as possible.
Be brave. You can do this.
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i am sort of stuck in the middle. my mom lives in michigan and i live with my dad in california and now that its getting time to go to college i choose 2 really good schools from both states and applied to them and surprizing enough i got into all four ... no problem right wrong i have friends in both states each wanting me to go to the college in their state and i dont want to make anyone feel bad and say NO im not going but im still a little unsure about what i should say to them beccause i dont want to hurt their feelings ??? (link)
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At the end of the day, college is about growing up and moving away from home. Even if you are in the same state as one of your parents, you'll still be living away (I'm assuming). Part of growing up is making the absolute best choices for you - it's not selfish to want to go to the college that is the right size, atmosphere, and has the right classes for you.
The most diplomatic way to break the news to the unlucky parent it to explain why the school you have chosen if the best for you. Every parent wants the best for their child, and if one university gives you better advantages and opportunities, they'll want you to go there.
Colleges have long breaks and shortish semesters, so you'll still be able to see both parents. You're not deserting anyone - you're being true to yourself.
Good luck.
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Hey i need some info on teen pregnancy like web sites or hot lines i could call..or even to chat with someone who has been through it !! help me please! (link)
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Your options:
http://www.parentingyouths.com/choices.html
Lots of general info:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/pp2/portal/files/portal/medicalinfo/pregnancy/pub-pregnant.xml
Teen pregnancy forum:
http://www.newmumsforum.com/forum-17.html&sid=575728038f92f776544d2c99c95c3e16
If you live in the UK you can call Childline on 08001111 any time of day for free and speak one-to-one with someone about this, as well.
In the US, you can contact your local Planned Parenthood (www.plannedparenthood.com) for unbiased facts about pregnancy, medical care, abortion, keeping the baby, and sexual health.
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how do become more happy and try to make my life less boring.. i feel like i do the same thing every single day .?? (link)
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Buy 'This Diary Will Change Your Life.' It's a fun planner. Each day of the year has its own page, and they all suggest some wacky or fun thing you can do on that day.
If you have problems thinking of new ways to spice up your life, that's an easy solution. It might even lead you to new things which you find you really enjoy.
Another option is doing something more longterm - is there an instrument you want to learn to play? A team you want to join? You'll get better and better, which will change the dynamics of the activity.
In the meantime, find a friend who feels like you do and let your ideas go wild. Go buy some cheap paint and a big canvas. Make yourself and your friends a big, old fashioned picnic for lunch one day. Do something cheesy and horrible - go rollerskating on 80s music night.
Life is full of quirky things, but sometimes you have to make them happen. Best of luck.
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