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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Can you help me understand the order that police are ranked in? I know how it goes in the military because my dad explained ranks there to me but I want to become a policewoman and would like to know more about how you move up in the system there. Thank you!
The Answer
I think this has all the information you are looking for.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Police_ranks_of_the_United_States
Most of the lower ranks (Officer to Captain) are moved through by serving a certain number of years, and passing the necessary tests. Ranks above that are usually appointments.
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The Question
Hey there. So I'm 14 and my best friend has been dating this guy for almost three months. Before him, her and I were really close and talked about music and choir things. Now all she ever blabs to me about is her boyfriend and it gets annoying. Now she doesn't barley hang with me anymore because his cousin moved to our school over a month ago and ever since, has been all over her. This boy though, is 17 and my friend is 15. This boy wasn't a virgin and she was. Then they had sex three times with "protection" and she lost her virginity to him. And 15 is too young! She even posts pics of him on Instagram and Facebook nonstop and all she ever posts about is him! I just don't think this guy truly loves her. She even says they're gonna get married after high school and have kids. But this guy I think is only after her , then he's going to leave her. How do I break them up?
The Answer
You can't 'break them up'. You don't have that much control over other people's feelings and actions.
If you want more 'friend' time, ask for it! Let her know you are feeling neglected. Don't attack her boyfriend unless you have better reasons that being annoyed that is all she talks about.
Stop being judgey and making assumptions about their relationship. That's not friendly. What is friendly is telling her straight up that you miss her and want to spend boyfriend free time with her.
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The Question
I'm not new to relationships, I've been through six; They were ALL deeply serious but ALL collapsed because it was deeply LIMITED as well. By "Limited" I mean it had limits like she's not allowed to talk much to boys, or have many boy contacts or or or...endless limits and jealousy of mine I know I had them living like she's in a PRISON cell..which is probably why they ended up.
Now, I'm in my seventh relationship. It is the TOTAL OPPOSITE of what I'm used to! It's VERY difficult for me, you simply can't imagine how hard is my consciousness torturing me! She's allowed to go out with all of her friends no exceptions, she's allowed to do whatever...because I'm convincing myself for once that "since she loves and wants me and I'm sure about that then no need to be jealous and set limits and useless stuff that will ruin the relationship" I'm really finding it hard to do so. But nothing is really bothering me much besides ONE thing. Her PHONE. Not only am I used to seeing my girlfriend's messages and calls, but I'm used to even taking her phone away for an entire day! Now I'm not allowed to even TOUCH her phone. Surprisingly, the only thing that can't get out of my head is me getting myself a hold of that phone. I want to see what she always hides on it. Ugh now I'm talking like a creepy jealous freak that I always was...
I'm seriously lost and need advice if I should trust her or not, take into consideration ONLY the phone. Do you think she's hiding crap on it so I shouldn't get my hopes and trust too high in her? Or no just trust her and be careless about the phone?
High Fives to ALL
The least I can do is thank you for your timeā”
The Answer
Actually you are new to relationships. Real, actual, adult relationships between two people with equal strength and standing in society.
Your previous girlfriends weren't just 'limited' - They were infantalized. You may be used to seeing your girlfriend's phone, even taking it away. (Are you serious about that? I must be misunderstanding, because that is nuts. Frankly, if a friend of mine ever told me her boyfriend 'took' her phone away, I'd be telling her he's a straight up abusive motherfucker. That is not okay.)
Do I think she is hiding something? Probably not. Most people aren't. Do I think you are have some very, very serious creepy jealous freak behaviours you MUST get under control if you have a hope in hell of ever actually being in a real relationship with another humane being? Definitely.
I'm sure breaking those habits must be very hard, but you can't expect a pass on this. It sounds like you've made a good start, but you must end these impulses and behaviours completely.
Nothing you've said here suggests there is anything wrong with her. Everything you've said here suggests there is something wrong with you: You have some horrible relationship patterns that are rooted in disrespect and control.
Maybe this girl will betray you. Some people will do that. You will NOT be able to avoid that by treating her like your property, or by demanding she subjugate herself to you, and hand over her possessions whenever you like.
Go to therapy. That is proper way to address the insecurities that are driving this behaviour from you - don't expect her to humour your impulse to control her or assume the worst of her - go work on that impulse and get rid of it.
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The Question
There are these two girls in my class that every time someone says anything with the word "truth" in it the other starts screaming at her that she can't handle the truth and everyone thinks it is funny except me and my friend Amber. Why is this funny at all?
The Answer
It's a quote from a movie called a Few Good Men, which I'd be a bid surprised if these girls had actually seen, since it's movie from the early 90s about military law...
I agree, it's not really funny. Just sort of rude, but the best thing you can do is just ignore it. They'll get over it sooner that way than if you challenge them on it.
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The Question
I've been dating my partner for 5 months now, we have been for many other years before. Before me and partner got together, I went on a few dates with his friend, they're not close to spend time together, but close enough to speak and say hi. Anyway, the dates were just casual dates, nothing went further and I ended up getting in a relationship with my current partner. I had a message the other day from the guy I went on a date with (his friend) asking how I was, etc. I was being polite by replying, I have no intention of going back there again, he was being really jealous telling me to leave my current partner for him. Obviously, I told my partner but now he's really mad at me, he's said he needs space and it's been 3 days, I feel lost now. I have sent him messages but he's totally ignoring me, he said we are going to be ok, and it's just a temporarily break, but I'm unsure. He's manipulated me into thinking I've done the dirty work. But have I? I didn't think anything was bad about being polite and asking how he was too, etc. After all, they were no emotional attachments between me and the guy I went on a date with. I'm unsure whether to walk away from my partner, or if he's just hurt and upset and I should be here for him. I don't want to wait around for anyone, I don't think anyone should have to do that. I told him we could get through it together instead of space, as space isn't going to solve anything... But, no reply. I've read up on narcissist, and I'm wondering if may be, he is one. Has anyone got any experiences or thoughts they could share? I really appreciate it.
18/F
The Answer
Don't bother with diagnosing this guy. That isn't respectful.
You don't need to label his mental health: Just look at his behaviour. It sucks. Whether he has a mental illness or not, the behaviour sucks.
Frankly, both these guys are jerks. If I were a suspicious person, I'd wonder if they played you, and your boyfriend asked this other guy to help him make up a reason to break it off. A message going so quickly from "How are you?" to "Leave your boyfriend." just seems a bit suspicious to me.
Regardless, I think you are thinking about this correctly: If he doesn't want to make this work and deal with his feelings on the subject of you having some friendly contact with a guy, who turned around and hit on you, then it's best to let it be over. Whether or not that is narcissism, it's a level of insecurity and a lack of trust that is going to cause ongoing problems. If he refuses to address his behaviour or his unfair accusations, then he's not good boyfriend material.
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The Question
Is there any computer program or website that can give you the exact distance between two point anywhere in the world? Google maps kinda chokes when you try to route over an ocean and even if it didn't, I want the direct distance, not driving directions!
Thanks for any help
The Answer
Google Maps can actually do this.
It's a feature you need to enable tho. Here are the instructions:
https://support.google.com/maps/answer/1628031?hl=en
It takes a minute to get the hang of, but I doubt there is anything better out there.
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The Question
hey yall, my friend has a fitbit that she got as a present and I like it a lot but I can't find one! I went to target and walmart and nobody has it? help please?
The Answer
Here are the stores that carry them in the States:
https://www.fitbit.com/where-to-buy
Probably best to call around to your local stores to figure out who is carrying them currently.
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The Question
relationship question. I am desperate for advice. I am 22, my boyfriend is almost 23. we have been dating on and off since we were in 8th grade, so for over 8 years now. we do not live together, we each still live at home with parents. i am 8 weeks away from graduating from college with a 4 yr degree, i also work part time. he has not had a single job in his life, and also dropped out of high school senior year. does not have his GED. our relationship is extremely strained because of this. we cannot go out to movies or out to eat because he is literally broke. his parents are enablers and give him money once or twice a week. he spends the money (usually 10 bucks is given) on beer and lottery tickets.
he is on medication for anxiety, has many social issues and is basically afraid of people. he is really overweight and hates himself for it and always talks about how much he hates life. I love him but it is getting really depressing never being able to do much and i work so hard all the time while he literally sleeps all day and for fun gets drunk with his friends.
whenever i try to talk to him about any of this seriously his temper flares and he immediately shuts down. he has lots of anger issues and has yelled, and i mean yelled at me before and curses at me when he is angry even over something little. i know he loves me, and i feel selfish for saying that isn't enough, but it isn't anymore. i don't know what to do. the obvious thing is to leave but i am trying to do anything in my power to fix things before giving up. i have offered to help him study for his GED but he never brings it up. Thanks for reading.
The Answer
It's time to end it.
You know that. It sucks, and it hurts and it's disappointing, but you know that.
If your relationship, or your love, or anything you can do could have saved him, it would have. But there nothing you can do beyond what you've done.
You don't owe him your life or your happiness. It's not selfish to admit that plans are taking you in directions he can't follow - because he doesn't want too and he's no equipped too.
Sticking around to try everything possible to make him change isn't going to do anything but frustrate you. He does need help, but it's not the kind of help a girlfriend can give him. He needs a good therapist and a swift kick in the ass.
You will never be that good therapist, but you stand a small chance of being that swift kick when you walk away. It's not a matter of if you dump him anymore, it's just a matter of when you follow through on it.
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The Question
Hi! So I'm 18 & my boyfriend is 19, we've been dating for about 9 months now & we've started talking about having sex! I'm a little nervous because we are both virgins, but I really want to expierience this with him. He has a genetic disease called cystic fibrosis & because of this he is infertile. Even though I know this, I'm still scared about getting pregnant. We talked about it & he suggested that he just pulls out before...you know. But I'm still unsure... Any advice?
The Answer
Use condoms. Or visit a doctor or clinic to talk about other contraceptive measures.
As Ninja said - not every man with cystic fibrosis is infertile. The pull-out method is not reliable, at all, especially not when the guy who is trying to use it is inexperienced.
You wont have fun if you have fear of pregnancy, and even if that fear is absurdly small, unless you boyfriend has had a doctor confirm for him that he is personally infertile, your fears are completely legitimate.
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The Question
Is there any truth to what my friend says about the plan under obamacare to chip us all like lost dogs? She seems really convinced but when I ask her for proof things get weird. I believe she thinks it is true, but before I do what she wants me to do (help her move to Canada) I want to know more. You who live down there care to shed any light on this whole thing?
The Answer
Canada has a single payer health care system, run by the government. People are free to buy additional insurance and most people do have additional insurance through their job, but all citizens are guaranteed a basic level of care, including emergency care. It's a more liberal, more progressive system than Obamacare, with a great deal more government involvement and oversight. And by and large, Canadians love it.
If your friend doesn't want the government involved in her health insurance, Canada isn't the right place to be. The fact she doesn't know that is a reflection of just how poorly informed she is on these subjects.
In fact, there are virtually no first world, developed nations she can move too if she doesn't want the government involved in the health care market. The US stands virtually alone in the rabid opposition to comprehensive socialized medicine. Every other nation in the G20 has AT LEAST an insurance mandate, and most have a single payer system, or a two-tiered system, with the government being a main provider of health insurance.
Unfortunately, your friend probably isn't too interested in facts and I doubt she has any real plan to move to Canada. Once you descend to believing such nonsense as microchipping, you aren't being rational or living in a fact-based world. Of course there is no truth to that! It would be blatantly illegal in a dozen ways, it couldn't possibly be hidden from the millions of people who would be in a position to know about it, and no one would stand for it. If it were ever considered seriously by anyone in power you'd have another whistle blower like Snowdon in a heartbeat.
However, the reason these beliefs persist is because they cannot be disproven to the satisfaction of people like your friend. I can't prove to her there isn't a microchip in her body. I also can't PROVE to her that Jurassic Park wasn't a documentary about a real island full of dinosaurs. All I can do is show her all the mountains of evidence that those ideas are absurd. The best thing you can do for your friend is listen, and try to figure out what is contributing to her fear and anxiety. Attacking her absurd microchip belief isn't going to get you very far, but asking about the real anxieties in her life may actually help her addressing them.
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The Question
So do you think it could work between an 18 year old female and a 42 year old woman. I know it's 24 year difference. Heres some background on this exact situation. I'm the 18 year old I met this woman when I was 14 and I didn't have feelings for her until 17 almost 18 and I want to ask her on a date but before I do, do you think it could work?
The Answer
Probably not.
And 18 year old and a 42 year old (assuming they are both mentally healthy) are very, very unlikely to have the same expectations from a relationship, or the same needs. They are also unlikely to be equals in society, who can make the same choices about where to live and what to do. Most 18 year olds are still dependant on their parents to some extent, and are not financially stable. Most 42 year olds are.
Most 18 year olds are trying to figure out what work they want to do. Most 42 year olds are planning the last few jobs they want to have before they retire.
Normal, healthy 18 year olds and 42 year olds are likely to live in vastly different worlds, with different needs, plans and different sorts of restrictions.
So no, it's probably not going to 'work' if by working you mean will you live happily ever after until one of you dies. That's unlikely. But that also isn't the only reason to date someone. If you like this person, and are attracted to them, then by all means ask them out. Just be realistic and realize that you are at vastly different places in your lives, and take care of yourself first and foremost.
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The Question
Recently I've started sleeping with a man a bit older than I am (He's 45, I'm 27). We see each other about once a month, but talk a lot in between. This talking includes a lot of phone sex as well as friendly discussions about our daily lives. When we have phone sex, he tells me he comes every time - and I believe him. But when we are intimate in person, he is almost never able to maintain an erection or ejaculate, unless he's using his own hand. Since I've never slept with anyone this much older than myself I'm not sure if this is normal or if I could do something differently? Thanks in advance.
The Answer
It's relatively normal, not just for men of his age, but something a lot of guys have issue with.
Although there could be something else going on here, it's often called "death grip syndrome" when men (or women) can only reach orgasm in one particular way, usually through masturbation. It's not actually a illness or condition, just a powerful habit where a persons regular method of masturbation becomes the only way they can get off.
In the end, this probably has nothing at all to do with you, and everything to do with his sexual habits and his mental approach to sex.
The only way to know for sure, of course, is to ask him about it. Unfortunately lots of people just live this way, and don't make much effort to address this sort of disfunction. But whatever you do, just know it's very, very, very, very unlikely that it has anything to do with you or anything you are doing.
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The Question
i have to have my wisdom teeth removed and i am scared silly! can you tell me roughly what this will cost and if you have had any major dental work done, would you give me any tips you have for surviving this? thanks!
The Answer
You are going to need to ask your dentist.
It depends a lot on the situation with your teeth. All four of my wisdom teeth were impacted and horizontal - which I understand is about the worst situation you can have. It was pricey because I had to go under a general anesthetic and total recovery took about two weeks.
Most people's situations aren't that extreme, but the only way to know what is going on in your situation, is to speak to your dentist or oral surgeon about which teeth need to come out, why they need to come out and how they need to come out.
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The Question
Lately all you hear about on the news is "bitcoins!" I read a little about them and how real stores take bitcoins as payment now, but I don't know about trading real money for something that just seems "made-up" if you know what I mean? I am a girl and I don't know much about these things but if anyone can help me understand if I should put some of my savings in bitcoins I would thank you very much!
The Answer
All money is made up.
Just so you know - All money, totally "made up". Humanity invented in roughly 2000 BC to represent goods that were being stored, or were in transit. Lots of places kept using the barter system (lots of places still use barter systems) but money is a human invention and idea. It doesn't exist the way, stones or trees exist. It's a complex system we invented, and we support and maintain. Your money is only as secure as the complex international systems that keep the system in place.
Bitcoin isn't the first alternative currency to be invented, it's just one of the first to really catch on in the digital age (outside of an MMO.)
Should you put some of your savings into Bitcoins? You could, but I don't think there much reason too beyond the fun of it at this point. Bitcoin's is really volatile, and I think it's an inflated market, although smarter people than me may disagree. If there is a new alternative currency world developing, I don't think Bitcoin is going to come out on top in the end. I think it's going to be the Betamax, not the VHS, of the new era.
In the end, you can do a lot of learning and reading about Bitcoin if you'd like, but I think unless it's something that really fascinates you, I don't think there is much reason to jump onboard with it right now.
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The Question
Should we send out special invitations and have a gender reveal party, or just tell people that we now know our baby's gender? This is our first child and for us this is all so exciting, but we don't want to overstep if you think this is too much?
The Answer
I don't much like gender-reveal parties (which are misnamed by the by, because you aren't revealing the baby's gender, you are revealing their sex, just no one wants to call it a sex-reveal party, because that would be confusing!).
I think they are tacky, and as much as I'm sure all your friends and family are thrilled for you and your partner - they probably don't care too much what the baby's sex is. The bigger, better and more special thing, is that you are having a baby, not what it's the 23rd chromosome pair look like.
A small party with your closest friends and family may be a fun way to share this information, but I wouldn't make too much of a big deal about it. You'd be happy no matter which gender your baby is right? So this might be a fun excuse to get the closest family together for a meal, but I'd save special invitations and silly games for your baby shower.
In the end tho, it is your choice. If you really want to go all out on a reveal party - go for it.
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The Question
How do you send an e-mail to president obama? My parents lost their health insurance because of obamacare and I want to let him know how much I love my mom and dad and ask if he can please give them back their health insurance because they are not very well. :(
The Answer
You can send President Obama an email by filing out the form here: http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/submit-questions-and-comments
But the best thing you can do is encourage your parents to not give up, and to ask questions about how to access insurance now. Obamacare did change a lot about insurance, and caused a very small number of plans to be cancelled because they didn't actually provide a basic level of coverage and responsible management. There are definitely other options out there for your parents - especially if they have ongoing illnesses. A lot of states have Insurance Advisors or Navigators to help people like your parents, who've been affected by the changes.
The truth is, President Obama can't 'give' your parents their insurance back. He actually doesn't have that power. Obamacare is a law he supported, but now that law has been passed and it's in effect, it's up to the states to make sure that people like your parents are informed about how they can get insurance - because they absolutely CAN get insurance - it just isn't exactly the same as it was.
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The Question
We got a new puppy and don't know what brand of food we should get. This is our first dog ever and we saw an ad for eukanuba puppy food on tv so I wanted to ask if it was as good as they say or what? Anyone know if it is worth it?
The Answer
There is a great dog food site called dogfoodadvisor.com. Here is their page on the very best puppy dry foods:
http://www.dogfoodadvisor.com/best-dog-foods/best-puppy-foods/best-dry-puppy-foods-5-star/
Some of the best brands of food out there are not sold at your grocery store. You need to visit a pet food store to find them, and you want to make sure it's a food you can alway get, since changing a dogs diet too often or too quickly can cause them a lot of discomfort.
I wouldn't feed my dog Euknauba because it's full of useless and cheap fillers like corn, rice and beets - those things don't have much nutritional value for your dog, they are just cheap ingredients that make the dog feel full and can lead to weight gain. Euknauba also has manufacturing waste products like 'chicken by-product meal' which is just the leftover bits they can't put in people food. I hate dog foods that think I'll feed my dog something that it's illegal to feed to people.
The best dog foods I've ever tried are not ones you'll see on TV. I'm most impressed by Blue Buffalo, Fromm, Orijen and Acana.
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The Question
Ok. I am a 35 year old women. I met my guy online in the summer of 2012. I then found out he was incarcerated. I wasn't proud of how i looked, so i sent him a pic of someone else. We connected like i have NEVER connected with anyone. Well, last month i decided to stop the charade, sent him a real pic of me, n told him what i did n why i did it. He then proceeded to break up with me, stating that i knew how he felt about fat girls, n basically in so many words said that if i didn't lose the weight he couldn't be with me, but i feel that if i can accept him in his current situation, n its a biggy, then why wouldn't he accept me in my current situation, help me improve, and continue to love me the same(like that guy did on that movie Why did i get married)?? SHOULD I ACCEPT HIS TERMS??
The Answer
Accepting 'his terms' isn't going to make you happy.
Lapband surgery may not make you happy, or even met 'his terms'.
You are looking to fix your relationship with him, but the relationship is utterly broken and shouldn't be fixed. He's an asshole, who landed his butt in jail, and now thinks he can make demands on your body. You lied to him when you first met, because even back then, you knew exactly a bigoted ass he was.
This is not a nice person. This is not someone who values you, or loves you. This is someone who has nothing else to do with their time but work on their 'chemistry' with you, and only valued what you can DO for him, not who you are.
Got to therapy. That's what will help you move towards being happy and confident. He's not part of happy. He's just an asshole. Maybe lapband surgery is a good option for you, but that's something to decide for yourself (with your doctor) not something to do to try and get this asshole back in your life.
It is better to be alone than to be tied to someone who disrespects you and doesn't value you as a person. Therapy can help you find happiness even without some jackass to talk to online.
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The Question
Hi!
We got a new puppy from a neighbor and they said to make sure that she gets her shots? What is that about? How many shots do puppies need and what kind do you have to get?
The Answer
Your vet will tell you. Your puppy will never several rounds of shots and booster throughout it's early life.
In most places, you are required by law to have your dog up to date on their rabies vaccination. Canine Distemper and Parvovirus are two others that are usually really mandatory, since those illness can kill a dog very quickly.
There will also be vaccines that your vet may recommend in addition to those core ones depending on where you live. I live in the city now, so those core vaccines are most of what my dog needs, but when we lived in the country there were a bunch more we got because of all the swamp water and other animals like coyotes running around.
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The Question
My mom cant work right now so I have been doing everything for the passed eight months. I used to work two jobs and walk two hours each day at one a.m. because of how late the other job was. I would get home at about three thirty and sleep a couple hours to get to my second job which started at seven. I did all this so we could make rent and bills and groceries. Im 21the now. Dying to go to school. A month ago I dropped both jobs because I was feeling overwhelmed. Mymom does help with the utilities. So when I lost my job rent was coming due and I told her we were going to be short. Instead she was worried about paying off a friend she owed. I found out she has a bit of money saved away. It hurt me so much because Im giving up everything. My last penny whiles shes clinging on to her stash in the account. My brother was the one who ended up helping me make the rent. I just dont get it. And then she tells me that if she were in a position ti work she would never quit her job knowing that there were other people depending on it. I just feel like shes so ungreatful. Ive done so much already and it means nothing. I already found another job. But Im just shocked that my own mother would rather watch me drown and pawn my laptop and do so much while she has the ability to at least try and lighten the load. Am i overreacting? Shes going to be able to start working soon but just not yet. I just want to know if im being stupid or not for feeling this way. Im 21 by the way.
The Answer
Selfish isn't always wrong. Sometimes what other people might call 'selfish' is really just taking care of yourself, and respecting yourself.
Fundamentally, it sounds like living with your mom isn't a great situation for you. She lacks respect for you, your time and possessions. If she were just a roommate, you'd never accept this sort of behaviour - you'd take em to court.
My best advice to you, would be to go find a roommate, or live on your own. As iffy and as much harder as can be, at least you'll be able to have a clear roommate agreement with them. With your mom, there is too much else at play to make it easy for you to demand she do her share.
I don't think you are being stupid. It's tough - almost impossible - to stand up to a parent when they behave badly. I really think the best thing you could do, is not live with her, so that her bad behaviour will have less of an impact on your life, and you can get some of the security you need.
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