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Confusion of Both Worlds
I'm not new to relationships, I've been through six; They were ALL deeply serious but ALL collapsed because it was deeply LIMITED as well. By "Limited" I mean it had limits like she's not allowed to talk much to boys, or have many boy contacts or or or...endless limits and jealousy of mine I know I had them living like she's in a PRISON cell..which is probably why they ended up.
Now, I'm in my seventh relationship. It is the TOTAL OPPOSITE of what I'm used to! It's VERY difficult for me, you simply can't imagine how hard is my consciousness torturing me! She's allowed to go out with all of her friends no exceptions, she's allowed to do whatever...because I'm convincing myself for once that "since she loves and wants me and I'm sure about that then no need to be jealous and set limits and useless stuff that will ruin the relationship" I'm really finding it hard to do so. But nothing is really bothering me much besides ONE thing. Her PHONE. Not only am I used to seeing my girlfriend's messages and calls, but I'm used to even taking her phone away for an entire day! Now I'm not allowed to even TOUCH her phone. Surprisingly, the only thing that can't get out of my head is me getting myself a hold of that phone. I want to see what she always hides on it. Ugh now I'm talking like a creepy jealous freak that I always was...
I'm seriously lost and need advice if I should trust her or not, take into consideration ONLY the phone. Do you think she's hiding crap on it so I shouldn't get my hopes and trust too high in her? Or no just trust her and be careless about the phone?
High Fives to ALL
The least I can do is thank you for your timeā”
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I understand you being jealous but i think you're taking it a little too far. Either shes not worthy of trust or you have a problem. I think it's a little of both. I never cared if my boyfriend seen my phone unless i had something i didn't want him to see. I would delete my messages & call history. I also didn't txt around him. I don't think you should freak out about not seeing her phone because things can be deleted so i don't see how that could give you much closure. There must be a good reason you don't trust her & you shouldn't be with someone you feel like you can't trust. With that being said i think you need to be less paranoid. I have trust issues too (really bad) but being too jealous/paranoid isn't going to help. I think you're scared of being hurt & losing someone but if you keep going on like this well then you've already lost her. I do think its strange she won't let you see her phone though....i'd talk to her about that. Theres gotta be a compromise somewhere. Don' t be a prison guard but don't completely ignore cheating signs if you see them. Don't be that controlling guy please...i've been on the other side of that equation and i know how it feels. I've been completely faithful 2 a man who was always being mean & was always upset because he thought i was cheating for whatever STUPID irrational reason. Just don't be like that because that will get you NO where but alone. If you love someone you should trust them otherwise there is no reason to be with them. Yes, trust has to be earned but ya gotta meet your partner half way. I'm an ex cheater so i know cheaters can be very manipulative but i also know the signs are always there & i know you should be able to easily recognize them just don't jump to conclusions either. Stay strong.
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You are trying to break a very bad problem you have with relationships for which I commend you. You appear with one minor exception to be doing quite well. This too is good, as the saying goes, "Rome was not built in a day" and bad habits take time and work to break.
Trust is something that is generally earned. In a relationship such as dating the two people in that relationship are generally given the benefit of the doubt and trusted until they have reason not to trust the other. Nothing says she is hiding anything on her phone. He phone may just be, to her, like her personal diary. You would not expect her to allow you to read her diary would you?
Given the habit you are trying to break. The issue with her phone is a stumbling block for you. One that is allowing you to hold on to the old you and not allow you to fully embrace the person you want to be. You have been a person who sought to control the people he loved.
Being a controller is thought to be a character fault and not a mental illness that can be cured. This fault is a learned experience, meaning you learned it at home or through some other experience. It can be unlearned and sometimes unlearning it requires outside intervention by a skilled therapist.
You have done very well on your own and now have run into a road block which may be too big for you to overcome on your own. I would suggest you seek out the help of a qualified therapist to speak with who can help you over this point. Your almost there you just need a little push to succeed. You parent's employee EAP program at work will pay for a certain number of visits and find you a therapist.
Your doing good, keep up the good work
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Well first I'll start off by saying that it's good that you've finally learned not to control your partner, for the most part. You've finally let yourself stop controlling who your girlfriend can hang out with and talk to.
But she's not your property. Just because you guys are in a relationship, it doesn't mean you can tell her what she can and can't do. That's not a relationship.
Relationships need trust. You don't seem to have that.
I really, really hope that I read this wrong or didn't understand it the right way when you said that you used to take your girlfriends phones away. That is ridiculous and if that's true, you need to seek help. It's not normal for a boyfriend or girlfriend to take their partners phone away from them. It's not yours, it's theirs.
Just because someone doesn't let you see their phone, it doesn't mean they are hiding something. This is where you need to go seek some help. You have some problems that are going to take some time to fix.
You don't seem to trust her. If you did, you wouldn't be so caught up in trying to see her phone. You shouldn't care about what's on her phone. It's her business, not yours. People do cheat, but you can't watch every thing they do because it will end up ruining the relationship.
You need to trust her and stop obsessing over this.
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Actually you are new to relationships. Real, actual, adult relationships between two people with equal strength and standing in society.
Your previous girlfriends weren't just 'limited' - They were infantalized. You may be used to seeing your girlfriend's phone, even taking it away. (Are you serious about that? I must be misunderstanding, because that is nuts. Frankly, if a friend of mine ever told me her boyfriend 'took' her phone away, I'd be telling her he's a straight up abusive motherfucker. That is not okay.)
Do I think she is hiding something? Probably not. Most people aren't. Do I think you are have some very, very serious creepy jealous freak behaviours you MUST get under control if you have a hope in hell of ever actually being in a real relationship with another humane being? Definitely.
I'm sure breaking those habits must be very hard, but you can't expect a pass on this. It sounds like you've made a good start, but you must end these impulses and behaviours completely.
Nothing you've said here suggests there is anything wrong with her. Everything you've said here suggests there is something wrong with you: You have some horrible relationship patterns that are rooted in disrespect and control.
Maybe this girl will betray you. Some people will do that. You will NOT be able to avoid that by treating her like your property, or by demanding she subjugate herself to you, and hand over her possessions whenever you like.
Go to therapy. That is proper way to address the insecurities that are driving this behaviour from you - don't expect her to humour your impulse to control her or assume the worst of her - go work on that impulse and get rid of it.
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