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Should i accept these terms just to be happy??
Ok. I am a 35 year old women. I met my guy online in the summer of 2012. I then found out he was incarcerated. I wasn't proud of how i looked, so i sent him a pic of someone else. We connected like i have NEVER connected with anyone. Well, last month i decided to stop the charade, sent him a real pic of me, n told him what i did n why i did it. He then proceeded to break up with me, stating that i knew how he felt about fat girls, n basically in so many words said that if i didn't lose the weight he couldn't be with me, but i feel that if i can accept him in his current situation, n its a biggy, then why wouldn't he accept me in my current situation, help me improve, and continue to love me the same(like that guy did on that movie Why did i get married)?? SHOULD I ACCEPT HIS TERMS??
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Accepting 'his terms' isn't going to make you happy.
Lapband surgery may not make you happy, or even met 'his terms'.
You are looking to fix your relationship with him, but the relationship is utterly broken and shouldn't be fixed. He's an asshole, who landed his butt in jail, and now thinks he can make demands on your body. You lied to him when you first met, because even back then, you knew exactly a bigoted ass he was.
This is not a nice person. This is not someone who values you, or loves you. This is someone who has nothing else to do with their time but work on their 'chemistry' with you, and only valued what you can DO for him, not who you are.
Got to therapy. That's what will help you move towards being happy and confident. He's not part of happy. He's just an asshole. Maybe lapband surgery is a good option for you, but that's something to decide for yourself (with your doctor) not something to do to try and get this asshole back in your life.
It is better to be alone than to be tied to someone who disrespects you and doesn't value you as a person. Therapy can help you find happiness even without some jackass to talk to online.
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I'd say 90 % of males all have the one thing they all feel the same about in women they are looking for, they all want a woman with Confidence over a woman with good looks. I am not kidding you. I can give you links if you ask to you tube videos of dating and relationship experts who say so. From my own life I can say I don't look like a model but men are attracted to me and I am in my fifties. Age doesnt matter either. I get younger men who ask to date me even though I am married. Men are desperate to find a confident woman.
A female who doesnt send a photo of herself in on line dating, sends a clear message that she is not self confident.
Hon, I've been to some nudist events and have seen several women who were overweight and some obese. As a straight female, even I could see that a couple of them looked beautiful and the others did not. What was the difference? It finally dawned on me, their self confidence. I keep looking and looking not believing what I was seeing but it was as plain as day, that the confident overweight woman looked beautiful when the one with a low self image did not. Yes, I understand that society as a whole ignores or shuns the overweight. However when it come to dating and love matches, personal taste also comes into the picture. Some men prefer a woman with 'some heft to her' as opposed to a petite thin person because their mom was overweight and they found the rolls of fat to be comforting and wonderful and they loved everything about mom, including her looks. They are used to having something to put their arms around, a big woman and will tend to seek out the same when it comes to relationships, whether they themselves are thin or large.
Now as to the other 10% of guys, these are the few who have been brain washed by the media and assume the only thing that is wort edh going after is the female portrayed in movies and in modeling, the airbrushed, breast implants, botoxed, dyed hair, wig wearing, liposucked, etc...female. But its all fake. It is not real. Its only what todays media pushes as the perfect looking woman. Take Marilyn Monroe for example. She would never make it in todays time starting as a model because though she was a pin up girl in her time, like a fad, its no longer in vogue and today she would not be considered at all. She was big boned and curvy, there was some meat on those bones, not fat but not skinny enough to be a model today.
Since a person's appearance body wise is all based on the whims and opinions and fads created by just a few who are in media it should not be the standard that any rational self thinking mature individual follows and as I said, most men realized that although it might be ' eye candy ', that those females are not realistic, not what a real female is like, and they want the real thing.
So as you can see, the question of should you accept his terms would be a no. At least any female with confidence and good self image would not change anything about her self to be perfect for the one guy. That is no guarantee that he will still be happy and not find fault in another way. If this is his personal taste in a body type, he would not state so in such a way to hurt you, not even bring up the weight issue and simply cut it off based on the fact you werent truthful. However he revealed his true inner core beliefs and values when he insisted you lose the weight or he'll dump you. He's of the 10% that are not a good catch for a partnership. There is always the fact of what he was incarcerated for too.
I Want to make it clear that another person can not help you improve as you stated, that must come from within. There must be a desire to change, whatever that change for the better is because until there is, all the encouragement and support from someone who cares about you is going to just bounce off of you, unable to support.
Another point I can't let go unsaid is that a great majority of on line relationships are one dimensional, you can't know anything more than what the other is willing to share or what they present. Personal chemistry too is something that can't be determined on line. So for all the things a face to face relationship offers that an on line one doesn't, people will imagine and fill in the gaps with what they fantasize about, what they wish and hope for and imagine they see when perhaps all of it is the fantasy and the person is not anything that they hoped for once they meet in person...I am talking more of personality, their morals, values, etc not looks. So I am not a advocate of using the computer to date long term online, only as a tool to come to know of a persons existance, then work to initially meet in person as soon as possible becasue the longer it goes with the on line or the phone call stage before meeting, the greater a chance it is more of a fantasy. Even two weeks of daily phone calls with one guy, I was already fantasizing in ways what it would be like to meet him and once I did, he was not anything like he had said, and I was clear in profile what I was looking for, and he was nothing at all like I had imagined, definitely not a match.
While I understand it is good to be accepting of people and their differences, like a disabled person for instance, when it comes to a dating relationship, there are other factors much more important than their age, color of skin, religious beliefs, their looks or disabilities, their income and profession,
and that would be, who they are on the inside.
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