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It happened again...
I have cut for a long time. I had a two week clean and then after my boyfriend broke up with me over wanting to relapse ( we dated two months not long but still)he is saying tht he contributes to my depression. He also cuts and had been clean for three weeks, or so he says. If I can't keep someone as messed up as him why bother? This was out if the blue, everything was going fabulous and then one day I was asking for help because he stopped and I thought he cared, and he started saying how he's sick of this. And now he hates me.he won't talk to me. Out of desperation and depression yesterday I broke my clean in an extreme way, and nearly bled out I nearly passed out and it left these awful gaps in my skin that break open. They were horribly deep, but hey it gives me something else to focus on..? Is that a reason to break up with someone? Should I go back to therapy and shoul a get a new doctor for this? Why am i so worthless?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I want to focus on this one cut first. The fact that you had trouble controlling the bleeding; That the cut will not stay closed tells me the cut itself needs professional help to be properly closed. You do not want to accidently bleed out in your sleep if the cut should open.
This is the type of cut you can and should call 911 for. They will properly bandage the cut and transport you to the emergency room for treatment. If you are in school go to the health room and let them bandage the cut and they will call 911 to transport you to the hospital ER.
Yes you do need to get back into therapy. Cutting is dangerous as you have found out. It is also a sign of something more bothersome to you. I can't say for certain you are suffering from say clinical depression though you are despondent about something. Only a psychiatrist can say whether or not you are suffering from some form of depression.
This does not mean you are mentally ill. Not all forms of depression are a mental illness. In fact given your age you may be suffering what is now called teenage depression. When your parents and grandparents and their parents before them suffered from this it was called a phase that all teenagers went through and would grow out of. Most of them did because what is causing the problem is mostly physical. It is called puberty and either a problem in adjusting to the new hormones or an imbalance of these hormones. Both of which the doctor can correct with a pill.
The reason for seeing a psychiatrist and not your family doctor is simple. The hormones excrete into the brain which the psychiatrist is best trained to deal with. Once the doctor deals with the physical problem a psychologist helps you deal with the stress the hormonal problems created which is the most likely root cause of the depression. Find the dominant depressor and deal with that any you will feel better.
As for therapy; you need to be comfortable with the psychologist. He or she must be your new best friend. Someone you are willing to share your deepest secrets with. Don't worry anything said in therapy gets back to mom and dad. Your therapist is there to help you but you have to be willing to work with the therapist and that means trusting him or her. So yes you may want to find a new therapist and you may want a female therapist if you feel you will be more comfortable with one. so open your mouth and say so. It is your right to ask for someone you are comfortable with.
This is what you need to now in this order:
1. Get the cut properly treated. If in school go to the health room NOW. IF not in school call 911.
2. See a psychiatrist for proper diagnosis. This could be done at the hospital in the ER.
3. Find a therapist you are comfortable with and work with him and her. Trust that nothing gets back to mom or dad that is said in therapy.
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All change for the better is born of a true desire deep within to do so.
The only things I believe may interfere is self defeating negative thought patterns that need to be dealt with first, or low levels of the feel good hormones in a person which is called depression and the low levels are either due to a physical inability for the body to produce the natural occuring hormones in the body, or a lack of attention to giving the body what it needs to produce these hormones on it's own.
A perfectly happy non cutting person can suffer depression from the stressful situations of life such as a break up. I have a daughter who did and got over her 6 month depression on her own. I am not your doctor and cant say if these feel good hormone levels are low in you and have been for too long but a list of psychologist provided things to try in attempt to raise them on your own, if followed, and it works, will prove that your body is perfectly capable of doing so on its own. Ask me if you want that list. I found it on line but the psychologist gave it to my daughter.
The cutting is being done to have something else to focus on which is important if the something else was positive thought replacing the negative ones. But takeing a negative action like hurting oneself, an action that could accidently lead to bleeding to death is another negative. Using a one negative thing to take focus off another negative thing temporarily is not a wise way to get ahead and get better and will only be temporary if even that. It always fails and does not produce the results wanted but kids continue to do so because they don't know of anything else that might work.
Seeing a Dr. could help if you find just the right one and sometimes that takes time.
Also, seeing a mental health professional who mainly counsels and lets you talk is a very long process that can take years for the person suffering to see improvement so because the improvement is so slow or unnoticeable, thats why they give up on counseling. I believe that hypnosis is a better way because the psychiatrists who use that in their practice find they can get to the core issues affecting a person faster by accessing their subconscious mind. You might ask the parents if they could find you a new Dr. one who includes hypnosis in working with their patients.
You are not worthless, no one is. It is mankinds faulty thinking that sets standards in society. The unsuspecting see and are indoctrinated with beliefs of what a perfect person looks like, acts like, how much they are worth because their worth is measured by mankinds standard of success, which will differ greatly from what a majority of the religions on earth teach. A successful person is someone who finds a way to rise above the hand that life dealt them, the family they were born into, the race they were born into, the disabilitys they were born in, the social economic class they were born into..yes...that all makes sense and I would have to agree I like those kinds of success stories. But there are the more subtle ones too, the ones where all the change occurred inside the person, rising above their negative thoughts, their depression, rising above a low self esteem, etc...learning how to be more loving of oneself and of others.
I would say to have your parents take a look at the cuts and make sure they are not becoming infected and healing properly. If you won't do that, use some antiseptic, and have a friend apply butterfly bandages to get hold the gaps together.
Ask about seeing a new doctor. You can see a doctor and also be doing work on your own to overcome where you are at.
One thing you can do on your own is every time you encounter a negative thought in your mind is to become aware of it and capture it and state a positive thought to replace it. For example, 'I am worthless replaced with that's not true I am wonderful, I just haven't discovered all those wonderful things yet. See, you're not being unrealistic, but being positive. The problem with allowing just one negative thought is that they love company and will invite another and another to join them until you have a string of negative thoughts making up an entire negative story in your mind.
This will be hard hon and you must be really dedicated to doing this because you are retraining your subconscious mind. Its been allowed to run free like a wild undisciplined child. So it will resist at first. No sooner do you replace with a positive thought than a minute later theres another negative thought or the same one back again and you have to repeat this over and over. But be consistant, and eventually as the days go by, you will see that you dont have negative thoughts comings as often. Continue to do so until you have it under control. This technique is straight from a psychologist authors book that I read on how to help yourself. This goes a long way toward helping depression too.
When you are ready, ask me for the list on things to do to raise your 'happiness hormones', its way easier than you think, and I find it fun. I do this stuff regularly to fight off the stress of daily life that brings these levels of hormones down. When down too long, even I can feel depressed and I admit I had days of being depressed before but the moment I feel that, I do these tricks to remedy it.
Good luck and blessings to you dear girl.
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