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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!
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So my boyfriend is wonderful to me. but one night he got a phone call from a female and acted really weird about it, so i looked at his phone and found some messages. I called the girl and she told me everything. He denied it all even with all the messages she sent me. I really dont feel like he did but am i just being crazy? I feel the love he has for me. Hes never done anything to make me question him.
You are a bit too vague for me. You called, she told you everything....what exactly was that 'everything', was it innocent, is she his best friend from his neighborhoods, sister who is planning a surprise party for him...innocent stuff, or that she has been hitting on him but he hasn't responded to her at all, or that the two of them had a relationship on the side but its over now...etc. Exactly what is this everything. If I dont know, I won't be able to give out advice that is very helpful. Or He denied it all...what exactly did he deny, deny ever talking to her, that he never called her or she never called him, or what? You also say you don't feel like he did...did what, remember, I never had the privelege of reading these messages, or talking to this girl you talked to, so I have no clue here.Are you crazy you ask. I don't know. Then you say you feel the love he has for you. Is it really love. I don't know any details of how he treats you. For all I know, its just lust but it was confused with love. and lastly, 'he's never done anything to make me question him' is that actually anything that you haven't discovered previously like time, or did you mean nothing to make you question ever before or question until now. I am going with "until now" because you titled this 'Heartbroken". If you are unhappy with my non answers, remember I could have saved myself the time and gone to bed earlier, but I chose to try my best to get you to write an advice question that both myself and others here can really have a better chance at helping you. If you don't want to clarify, then here's a token non helpful advice, just suck it up and live with it. In case you think I must be a monster, I have a husband who on occasion has been talking to a female on facebook, and shows me the profile, what they were discussing and that this is his best friends sister who just found him on facebook and they are both telling each other about their lives since they were teenagers, and in the past, he used to get calls from his ex wife who was adopted, whose evil adopted parents she left as soon as she could and has no siblings adopted or otherwise. SHe also has mental issues now and would call to talk, cus he could calm her down when she was having a crisis, like once a dog died. Guess he's her unofficial counselor. He tells me all, I have talked to these women myself, there is no secret, and he pays me plenty of attention, is consistant about it, and after 15 years, is still paying me compliments and saying he loves me. I do not feel any threat from other women. Because I do not jump to conclusions, he also knows he can trust telling me anything and everything since I am not the type of woman who feels insecure and will give the 3rd degree, or cry up a storm. Not saying you do, just that I have had plenty of situations in which he was talking to another woman and therefore the big difference can be in how the man handles things, how the woman handles things.
My dad wants me to be a doctor but I want to become something else (engineer). And I don't know how to make him see that
The real question for me is why does he want you to become a doctor. Asking him, may give you a clue as to what to have a talk with him about. ofcourse you should do what you want to do. So if he believes you should be a doctor because it is high earning, there are other jobs that make a good living too. If he himsself is a doctor and wants you to follow in his profession, he needs to realize that will only happen if you want to be a doctor or even a nurse. Such a job comes with a lot of stress too, more so than other jobs. If e has no real reason other than he wishes he had become a doctor and that dream of his never happened, then he may not realize that he is hoping to live his dream through you, vicariously, you know, like reality TV. Each person must live their own life, make their own mistakes, and learn from them, do what is most important to improve themselves. Everyone has been given a will to choose, heck even the Bible says that. So instead of simply doing what you are told to do, even though you are an adult as of age 18, you would be allowing yourself to be forced to not live your life by your own choices. It is not a matter of disrespect for your parents, not honoring them, it is more a matter of parents using what they believe is their authority to make you do something you do not wish to do. They can only use this tactic if you willingly give your authority over to them. When told no, parents have pleaded, begged, or threatened, even tried making deals wit their child. I have read of adult kids who say they can't afford college but parents said they will pay it all if the child goes to the college of their choice or studies for the vocation they want the child to follow. Thats nasty, but it happens. So even though they are adults, and you say no, they may throw a fit like a child and grab at anything they think may torment you into giving in, like saying they'll never speak to you again or you are no longer a part of the family or other such threats. Just be firm, take your own path, but don't burn bridges....meaning be willing to see them and try on occasion to see them, invite them to whatever, send them cards and don't sit around waiting for them to come to their senses. My own Mom stopped talking to me when I was first married. We worked in the same building and a woman in my department who was around my Moms age, saw what was happening and offered to be an older woman in my life I could turn to if I needed until my Mom came to her senses which she eventually did, 6 months later, after imagining in her own mind that I was not happy for her that she was getting remarried. Parents can sometimes lose it be become misguided and then go on to a full tantrum. Somehow you will have to have a talk with him. If you are living at home, first arrange with contacts you know to have a place to stay in case the parents kick you out. This has happened before in letters I have read.
Hi there why wouldnt my sister make her children (15) and (12) say they are sorry for breaking into my house. Im not really all they mad about it but my boyfriend is and they have to respect that he lives here as well.
I don't know you or your sister so I would have no idea why your sister would not have her kids say sorry. If you are okay with your place being broken into, the problem may be more widespread in the family then you initially thought. We tend to be lenient with family when they treat us in ways that a person should never do, no matter if family or not. So lets say, some homeless person broke into your house, instead of your nieces/nephews. Would you also not be mad about it? The boyfriend is partially right. It's not about who lives there, you, or him or both of you or a stranger. Breaking into someones house without their permission is not right. There is a lack of respect for another persons property or belongings and in saying they have to have respect, the boyfriend is right. So I am not sure why you are confused. I am not saying there should be bad blood between you all, but apparently something is going on in your sisters house, her life, or maybe its something observed with grandparents, but something is affecting her kids in a bad way. if you think it is trivial. Then at what point would you consider it to be an important matter> Would that be if they broke in while the two of you were having fun in bed, stealing cash or items to turn into cash, threatening you with a knife? Hey, wrong is wrong or in other words, sin is sin no matter how big or small. I will be saying a prayer for them. If you don't pray then it might be time. Some kind of intervention is needed for those kids sake and perhaps for the rest of family as well. If you don't pray, find a church and have a pastor pray for your family, and it wouldn't hurt to consider a big life change as well, being a believer.
I've been with him for almost 3 years now, 1st year was amazing 2nd year was full of break-ups and 3rd party was involved, he cheated on me, but somehow we overcome the issue and decided to continue and we are still working on the relationship, sometimes i feel alone, i can't seem to find him all in, anyway we travelled so many countries and finally last month we went to Peru, his hometown where we stayed with his family for 2 weeks and to be honest it was so great.
2 days ago we were out with some friends, and somehow the commitment issue was on the table and everyone was just talking about how good/bad is the marriage and how happiness and commitment has nothing to do with each other, somehow i got the idea that he's not ready to take a step, next day i confronted him, and his answer was " we are not ready yet, and i like everything the way it is now" i said whatever was in my mind and heart, in return i didn't receive much of answers .
I didn't want any proposal, just wanted to know it's going somewhere, and i made that clear to him. I don't know what to do or what to think, im not the kind of a person who gives up easily specially in relationships, i go till the end. But giving the circumstances i can see that i need to let him go that's my logic tells me, but letting go something that i put lots of effort and i invested in him, in the relationship, it's just hard to walk away.
I need second opinion, or anything that you think can help me with the situation.
Read more: http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=668122#ixzz8AcQ1IerL
I have nothing new to tell you on how to stay with him. Sometimes, a person can like someone enough to make it work for them but its not enough of a commitment to work enough for the other person. So it sounds like walking away is the best thing that can be done. I understand that's hard to do. So maybe if it helps, the separating may go easier and better for you if you break any soul ties. It isn't a natural thing but a spiritual thing. That's the best I can explain. When I was contemplating leaving my ex husband, I was told I needed to visualize breaking the soul tie and it would go much easier for me. So I closed my eyes, and visualized a cord emanating from my stomach, like where the navel is and the other end of it was connected to the husband at the same place on him. In my vision, I was then handed a large pair of scissors like for a ribbon cutting ceremony and I was to cut that cord I saw connecting us. I did that and never had any trouble leaving. I was so loyal that even though he treated me bad, I loved him but with that cutting our connection, just seeing it in my mind, that made all the difference. It may sound too easy, too simple but I swear, it works hon. So I hope you try it too.
Also, one more thing...forgiveness. I had to forgive him in my mind, not asking him to ask for forgiveness...this was all just for my benefit. I forgave his verbal abuse and more. If a person harbors unforgiveness, no matter how bad another person has transgressed against you, it only is you that ends up being hurt. I did forgive so these days, due to having adult kids and grandkids together, I am able to plan stuff like inviting him to do something with me for a granddaughter who is turning 15 soon. He and his girlfriend will be there. And I have no problems inwardly, I am just at peace when he is near and I do not feel any connection to him. I am remarried to a man who treats me well. I hope all this helps you. Blessings.
Hello, I'm a 34 year old male. I've been with my girlfriend for 5 dates now, and they have all gone very well. We get along well, and there's never been the awkward silence of dread. However, we have not kissed yet. Is it normal to go this long without one? And should it be the girl to ask for one, or the guy to ask for one after seeing a girl's nonverbal cues? She hasn't made any nonverbal cues yet, btw.
Well, if she's been willing to see you 5 times now, she must like you enough. However, until a person is older and has more life experience, sometimes its hard to know. I don't know what your dates are like, ie handholding, arms around each other or if there is a religious background where one or both are holding back on kissing. So it may not sound very romantic, but sometimes the best thing is to ask. Body language: If she's willing to let you be close to her physically, sitting close and so on, use one of those times to gently whisper, something you are comfortable with such as "I am so overwhelmed by your beauty that I would like to kiss. Is that ok?" Choose words that sound like something you'd say but don't just blurt out, Do you want to kiss me? without a lead up line. That way what you say isn't as creepy. She may be waiting for you to make the first move either way. Once you both are past the first kiss, it should be easier, but if you like, you can let her know if she's wants a kiss, that it is okay with you if she simply kisses you, making the first move, that you are alright with it.
I am a 30 year old female and I live at home my mom and stepdad . I live at home because I have some disabilities. I just dentures and the place I went to did not do them right. My stepdad has took me 3 times already and refuses to take me again. The dentures are to big for mouthy. I can't even wear them . I don't drive due to anxiety. He yelled at me when I asked me to take me again. My mom can't take me due to an illness where she uses a wheelchair. I don't know where to turn. I even suggedted going on the medical van by myself because they take you to all appointments for free if you have Medicare but my mom said no to that. Is there anything else I can do to get these things fixed. I have been going around with no teeth.
Find out why your Mom says no to the medical van because that's exactly what I was going to suggest before you said she replied No.
I do not know of any other things you could do other than call the doctor and let them know that the dentures are not fitting right so you aren't wearing them. If they suggest you come in for an appointment again then let them know you have no one to take you in and your Mom doesn't want you to go. Perhaps they can talk to your Mom and step dad and convince them to find a way for you to go to see them. Other than that, the only thing I can think of is a miracle, of Jesus giving you your own teeth so you won't need dentures.
I took a break from school and started a retail job a few months ago. I thought it was going to be fun, but it turned out to be way more stressful than I thought. It's very fast paced and it seems like it's always busy with customers. When I get home from work I don't have any energy to do anything else. In the time that I've been there, many people quit. A lot of them just stopped showing up, and I understand why. I asked my boss if she could shorten my hours, but it didn't really help.It's very tiring, and the managers are nowhere to be found whenever we need help. I decided to sign back up for college and I'm starting the end of August. I was trying to hang on until then, but everyday I'm feeling more and more like I want to quit. I even called out a few days last week. Would it be OK if I just quit or would it look better if I put in my 2-weeks? I want to tell my boss that I'm going back to school, but she might ask why don't I stay until August. What would be a good reason for leaving? The truth is that I can't take the stress anymore, but I wanted to leave on a good note. Any advice?
I don't know how stressful the job really is, but I can remark on 'Fun'. Most people work only to earn a paycheck, not because the work is fun. The only way there is 'fun' at work is if all the employees and manager make the job enjoyable, that or you are working a job that complements your talents, something you enjoy doing. Only a few people are blessed to work a job that doesn't even feel like a job but more of a hobby to them.
Keep that in mind when looking for work later. As far as quitting now, if you can afford it, then quit now. You tell your boss that you want to relax for the rest of summer and get ready for school in August and that you will not be back tomorrow. You don't have to go to any further details and mention how stressful the job is and that you don't enjoy it. Good luck!
Awhile back, I took my car for a drive and was looking at my phone when I should've been watching the road. I ended up going through a red light and collided with another car. Luckily, no one was hurt, but I was charged with reckless driving.
Yesterday, I received my sentence. The judge decided I should spend ten days in juvie (I'm 17) in order to learn a lesson about texting and driving. I'm being allowed to serve my sentence incrementally, on weekends. This is so I can keep my summer job. Basically, I'll be spending every weekend in juvie until the end of July.
I still can't believe I got myself into this mess. Why was I so stupid? Why couldn't I have just waited until I was home before responding to that text from my boyfriend? I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. I'm stuck with having to deal with the consequences of my decision, as much as that's gonna suck.
None of my friends, not even my boyfriend, know about my situation yet. I've been too embarrassed to tell them the truth. Plus, my parents have been urging me to keep this as quiet as possible. I've considered just making up some excuse for why I can't hang out on the weekends, but I also don't like the idea of lying to everyone. Maybe I should just own my mistake, as humiliating as it'll be once it hits the rumor mill. What would you do if you were in my shoes?
its hard for a person who has never been in your situation to imagine what they would do, especially something like this. What I can do is give you some things to think about and see if any of it helps. If your parents have asked you to keep this as quiet as possible, it might be best to have a talk with them first. I am sure you are still stunned and didn't ask the parents any further questions such as why they want it kept quiet, and who they are okay with you telling if just a few like a handful of friends. The problem with telling someone else is that even if they mean to keep it quiet, since they aren't the ones in the situation, they might make a slip and say something to someone else and then that news gets broadcast on every-ones cell who go to the same HS, even if its summer break. If the parents are embarrassed for others to find out, find out what you can say if you are asked why you are not available. Be thankful though that this accident didn't end up in injury or death for the other cars passenger(s) because that would be a much harder sentence. I would say this is actually quite lenient. So you are blessed, even if you made a mistake. But don't get angry with yourself, just chalk this up to a learning experience. Some people never learn from their mistakes and everyone makes mistakes. The goal here is that you learn from your mistake and never repeat it.
You could of course say nothing until a friend asks and then tell them whatever your parents are comfortable with. And ask that friend to keep it secret even from the rest of your mutual friends. A possibility is if you could ask the parents if they are okay with is you giving an answer but being vague about it. You might say that you got into trouble so you can't see them on weekends for the next month. Let them imagine you are grounded. However if they ask specifically if you are being grounded, you don't have to answer yes or no but simply make a comment like "Grounding really sucks." That way you don't have to lie to your friends. Your comment again leads them to believe you are being grounded. If asked what you did to get grounded, you say you don't want to talk about it. Then they know they have to wait to see you again.
Im at my wits end, nobody seems to care. Its been 6 years , my daughter got in a fight with my son, has not allowed me to see my grandson, who I love dearly because I told her it was wrong to assult my son. She blocked me in every way. Now I'm sure my grandson probably doesnt even remember me, he was 3 . Its has devastated me . I've tried I've begged my family to help , I sent cards, gifts texts unreturned, calls ignored. ITS KILLING ME.She has never been kind or good to me, never said I love you or even called me mom. Do I give up, do I hire an attorney, do I show up and try to talk to her at her job? I don't know her address she has moved, now getting a divorce. Im afaraid I will never see them again.
I am in a similar situation. I am doing the only thing I can, which is to pray for my oldest daughter and her family. Like in your story, mine moved out of state. Had a child in first marriage, divorced, married again, didn't want any more kids so they divorced. The problems started when she met her current husband. I never met him in person, only spoke once on phone before she married him, no wedding so all I know is what the guy told me, a story about being abused sexually by his dad. Stories from this daughter told me of really bizzare behavior like running out the door at night screaming for no reason, barefoot, shirtless and coming back much later looking like he had been in some tussles with someone. She eventually came to me and told me she never wanted to see me or her Dad ever again and proceeded to tell me why, a story that matched all the details her husband had told me on the phone years ago. I was accused of things that never happened. At first she said she would go to her aunts to visit for Christmas, something we do each year since Mom died. However, they were not there long before my brother in law asked if he was going to see his family for Christmas too. That one question unhinged this young man who threatened to kill their whole family. My sis didn't want him there ever again but that problem was solved when they moved out of state right after. Soon we are contacted by Child Protective service regarding my grand daughter who was now attending Kindergarten. A teacher noticed bruises all over her and contacted authorities. The whole family was offered to be on a multiple person phone call regarding the future of that child. By now she was pregnant from this crazy husband. No one in the family could take her. All of us are very poor and barely getting by including myself. But the crazy guys Mom wanted to be in touch with me so we talked and the grand daughter was put in custody of herd birth father. Although nice, he had remarried a woman who has turned out to be a hoarder with two boys from two dads and acts exactly like the stepmother of Cinderella with that child treated as Cinderella.Basically her bio kids can do no wrong and granddaughter is blamed for everything and grounded more days of the month than not. Going back in little in time, when my grandaughter was born, now 14 yrs ago, my daughter confessed to having depression during HS but hadn't told me at the time. Now there was the added post partum depression with thoughts of killing herself or the baby. So I took her to her Dr. She was put on meds but after a while, she hated how it made her feel and totally stopped taking them. So she was unstable in some ways herself before meeting and marrying her third husband. I talked by phone quite often with the mom of the crazy husband to my daughter. She told stories, where it showed how naive she was. She told of head banging on the wall, tossing a sister down a flight of concrete steps and the dad, her ex husband now wanting to come over to borrow money. She said yes, they sat to have tea and when she wasn't looking he put poison in her tea. Luckily one son was home in his room and found her gasping for air. That same man told his new wife as soon as they were married, that now she can't do any testifying against him to reveal he had killed a person in his past on purpose. Sounds all like a soap opera huh? I came to my own conclusions after a few more stories that the father was a psychopath and it sounds like the son is likely one as well. Theres much more dirt in this story I tell.But I will skip to the current day, where I have a 2nd granddaughter through my oldest, whom I have never met, have no idea how old she is now but I am guessing at least 10 years old. Have no idea where they live, no phone, no contact. I doubt the child even knows she has grandparents as the crazy daddy has cut himself off from all his family. His mom died recently but he has 3 grown siblings who don't hear from him either. So my story is as heart breaking as yours. Having dealt with and talked to CPS, whomever has custody of a child, gets to keep that child, unless someone can prove harm to the welfare of the child. The law can't demand a grandmother be able to see her grandchild. So you are as stuck as me. The only difference is that I don't let the situation 'kill me' by affecting my mental or physical health. Been there once with an ex who was verbally abusive. I know how stress can affect a persons health. Either it goes to attack you mentally, and depression is very likely or physically with all sorts of ailments. I had lots of stress caused illnesses. If I had stayed with my ex instead of leaving, I would not be alive today to answer you. I was told that cancer or a fatal heart condition were the ultimate and that I likely didn't have much time left if I stayed. I left of course and that was a hard situation to go through. I don't consider myself having given up, but I do the only thing I can since I believe in prayer. I may not see my other granddaughter ever in this lifetime, but am pretty sure I will get to see her once I get to Heaven. In fact, I will probably see my daughter too. I will be praying for your situation as well. I know its hard but I know you can enjoy your life again, even though there is this nasty situation in it.I can tell you to try to be at peace, even with all this, but we can't do it on our own. You can try. But in the end, it may be that the only thing you can do is pray as well, and while at it, ask Jesus to give you peace. Not pushing religion here, just one Mom to another trying to tell you what is helping me deal with it.
My roommate (f/20) and I (f/20) moved out of the dorms late last year and into an apartment. Because rent around here is really steep, we were only able to afford a one-bedroom apartment. We initially planned to get a couple of twin beds for our shared bedroom but, in the interest of saving more money, we decided to get one queen bed, which we both share.
At first, we worried this might be a mistake, but it's actually worked out really well. Every night, it seems like we lie in bed chatting about anything and everything for at least a half-hour before finally drifting off to sleep. It's kind of like being a kid again and getting to have a sleep over every night. Plus, knowing we're gonna be sharing a bed at night encourages us to settle any disagreements we may have during the day when they occur. Because of these two factors, I feel this arrangement has helped strengthen our friendship.
Of course, our friends (not to mention my parents) think it's weird that we do this, since we aren't gay. I don't know, maybe it is a little weird. What do you think? Is this weird? And even if it is, should it matter, given how well it's worked out?
Considering your age bracket, My first thought was that the two of you are being very wise and mature as you look at all sides of this arrangement, especially financially. Plenty of folks your age still do not think of future consequences with money and not made the best financial decision and bought two beds. I know how hard acceptence and teaching about LGBTQ is out there.My kids are the generation just before yours and the teaching was subtle but allowances were just being made. In some situations, I think the teaching of sexual preferences has actually confused young people and many are now thinking they prefer same sex when I know it can't be as prevalent as it currently is. It seems you both have some backbone and also plenty of self confidence whether you feel it or not. It seems most peoples minds have been flooded with so much info on alternative sexual preferences that what should be normal is now being suspected of being gay. Being gay seems to be the new in thing in some ways. I have heard from some straight females who are afraid of starting a friendship with another female for fear of others thinking they are gay. Sharing a bed for expense sake does not make someone gay or Les.
So do what you feel is right. Don't let it get to you. Right, I say that as I dislike the new terms getting rid of the words male and female and called instead, a person with a vagina. I am happy to hear how well its worked for you and all the benefits to it. I also feel that time in bed just before you fall asleep is a time when we slow down and relax and its easier to talk to someone about our day, so romantic couples have that same opportunity. My hubby and I do talk lots some nights and less on others but we always talk cus we are best friends as well as lovers. I know its harder to ignore when it is family. But just have patience dear. You both are learning how to adapt in a world that is getting too expensive for even single families to own a home, many are starting to share, two families renting a house together where both adults of each family are working but can't make it , and often there are children as well.
Ever since I started school I've noticed this guy that kept staring at me. Like one time I was at a function and I saw him looking at me from across the room, and he never broke eye contact with me. Or even sometimes when I passed him in the hallway he'd continue looking at me almost as if he wanted to say something to me (but at the time we didn't know each other yet). Anyways as time went on I started noticing myself thinking about him and finding him attractive. Fast forward to today, fate happened and we got paired up to work together for an entire school at the dental clinic. He's been very communicative through text about managing our patients together and he'll often come to my cubicle and talk to me after I'm done with the appointment. One time he showed me how to use an instrument and he literally took my hand and guided it into the patients mouth ... Which made my heart skip a beat.
The thing is that when I checked his social media it has the two males holding hands emojis on his bio... So it really confused me because I don't know what his sexual orientation is, but at the same time I'm starting to catch feelings and I feel this tension. Or maybe it's just me and I'm going crazy because I thought he mightve liked me too..
Am I just over thinking things? Is he just being nice? What should I do if I have feelings but he's not attracted to females?
So far it seems the attraction is only visually connected. You haven't mentioned anything that you may have picked up about his personality, traits, beliefs, etc...the stuff that really will show if there is a fighting chance to be friends. There are two chemistries important in a couple relationship, one is friendship only, and the other romance and physical attraction. Sometimes only one person feels this kind of chemistry. I always recommend going for friendship first because the line I recommend seems to work, brings the answer you want to hear without scaring off the other person. Since you are working together, that works well too because my sentence is geared for people who have some kind of friend connection, either as school mates, co workers or some other way you regularly see each other and spend some time together.
So here is what you ask: "Hey, since we are doing well together as (you pick...friends, coworkers)
I just wondered how well we'd do together as more than friends. What do you think?" This is non threatening for a guy because you haven't mentioned your feelings or how hot he looks. If those are mentioned, a guy may be afraid to give the correct answer for fear of an emotional break-down from the female. It is important to ask what he thinks at the end because if he was too shy this just made it easy for him to make the next move. And if he doesn't feel romantically toward you, he will feel the need to make that clear. You won't get a yes or no because "What do you think" is an open ended question. A closed one is where it can only be answered yes or no and then you would never find out. I think it best to ask this way instead of chickening out. If a guy were gay, he'd not be looking at you so often. What you saw on his page could simply be him posting something to show his support of friends he may have who are part of the LGBTQ, or he may be Bi and attracted to both.
hi. I am in university and although I procrastinate, usually I am able to get myself into the "studying" or a concentration headspace easily, especially when I have to do something on time. but these two months I have been unable to focus at all, I won't be on my phone but I'll sit and stare around or think or I'll eat and eat instead of studying.
lately, I have been feeling very sleepy throughout the day. at first, I thought it was just the fact that I pulled an all-nighter so my mind-body needed to rest but it is so hard for me to not want to sleep when the clock hits 4pm.
my exams have started an I can not bring myself to study or do anything like clean my table or pick up my shoes. I used to pray and read often but now I don't even want to do that. the feeling that oh I have/want/going to do this has disappeared. forget concentrate i cant even motivate or bring myself to begin a task anymore. what do i do? i know all the excersices my old counsller thought me but i don't want to do them so i end up doing nothing and that frustrates me. i don't want to loose my good gpa.
I'll start at the end where you mention your past counselor and what they taught you. I do not know what these exercises are for but my best guess is that whatever is going on for two months is part of whatever you have been going through. I will use an example I am familiar with, and talk about how depression affects a person. The literal word 'depressed' means lowered as in low on fluids, low on oil in a car. With oil, a car will burn its engine out. Without feel good hormones, a person will not be able to handle stress or function well. Most people have some sort of stress from time to time in life, and yours would be studying, tests and keeping up your GPA. The feel good hormones in your brain are created by your body to help you deal with stress. When a person has used up all their feel good hormones and not done anything that would help replenish it, that person experiences depression or some form of it. There are a few people who have the inability to make their own feel good hormones so they must take man made prescription of those hormones. Unfortunately, a great amount of Drs. still prescribe these meds to people who are able to create their own but aren't doing the easy things to build up their reserves again.
After all this, you probably wonder why I went on this tangent, well it's because I know counselors will give out a list of exercises to do to rebuild those reserves. Its easy stuff like listening to the melody of a song over and over where the sound just makes your heart feel lighter like its about to float out of your chest. For me, the tune would be 'Clocks' by Coldplay. Not the words, just the melody. Another help is adding singing and dancing to favorite songs. See, this isn't hard work. Another is movement of some sort, the dancing is one, walking running, exercise, and skipping. I am grandma age and one time I was having a day where the stress was getting to me, I realized I needed to do something to raise those hornomes. So I did some skipping. For one thing, I felt so silly at my age doing this and just laughed like a kid, wondering what people might think if they saw this. And it worked. You don't have to wait long to feel better, I feel it right away. Not just me, but a daughter whose boyfriend dumped her, needed help, didn't listen to me. Went for her one free visit thru her job and so the counselor gave her the same list I am giving you. Theres more, like hugs but not a side hug, real bear hug lasting a few seconds longer than that stage at which you start to feel uncomfortable. And that is when to keep going, not stop. You can't give a hug without getting one in return so give them to family, friends and you might have to explain why your hug is longer than they expected. Another thing mentioned is meditation. I have found some good Christian teachings on line and so am getting back to all that and for myself realize praying is very important but I am also trying to spend more time with God. So the praying you do not do, GOD will understand why you are having trouble. He knows before we say anything. So try praying, even something really short, like 'God, you know what i am dealing with, please help me. There is something wrong and I don't know what and it will affect my schooling and grades. Thanks for your help." If there is no change with prayer, I don't know what your faith is, or what you believe but just address your prayers to the 'true God" and it will likely happen unless there is something you are doing that blocks it. Otherwise, if you'd rather not seek spiritual help, I would highly recommend going back to your counselor.
so, there is this guy at school i joined this school this year and now its only a month left but i've had a crush on his since half the year he's 11th nd im 10th and once i noticed him i looked at him and when i do he almost always looks back or i sometimes catch him looking at me even while he's talking to his friends and i have no idea if he like me because he doesn't smile while looking at me, well neither do i but that's because im nervous thinking he might not smile back and well people tell me im pretty but gosh i have no idea if he'll ever approach shoukd i follow him on instagram, should i approach and how? i really like him
About him looking back, there's an instinct all humans are born with, the ability to sense when someone or something is staring at you. You have probably felt like someone was watching you at times and when you turned and looked behind you, yes, someone is looking at you. So since you look at him, he'll feel it and look to see who is looking at him. And that's probably why you don't catch a smile since it was just curiosity.
One more thing, about looking or staring without smiling, gives the other person a creepy feeling. Think of a time when you are out and about and you sense someone staring at you that you don't know.They seem to pop up everywhere and just stare but dont smile. Wouldn't you wonder if the person were some kind of psycho? I know most people don't likke when the starer doesn't smile. No smile translates in our brains as the opposite of a smile, meaning 'not approachable, not friendly, could be mean, a loner, someone with bad intentions of hurting you somehow. That is enough to keep most people from approaching someone who is always staring at you.
I know you both aren't total strangers, and this means knowing you are fellow students of the same school but you still probably don't know much or anything about each other.
So you'd have to go to him, better if a time when he is not with a group of buddies so they won't be able to tease if you walk up to talk to him. If you have him in any classes, then think of something you have observed in him. Examples are being a good listener in class, very funny, having a great laugh, how he dresses, kind to others, very artistic, and so on. So for an opener, use something you have observed. I'll use the name Brian. "Hi Brian. You probably noticed me looking at you sometimes. I just thought it was best to let you know I wasn't some sort of creep. I have noticed (mention trait, even if its just how he smiles) and I like that. " Then once you are talking, ask a question that can not be answered with a yes or no because often after answering, the questioned person doesn't say anymore and the conversation stops. A simple question like "How do you like our science teacher?" if you share the class or if you need an opening statement and do not have him in any classes, make up something about him reminding you of a cousin of yours and it doesn't have to be his looks but maybe personality or how he talks. He doesn't know your cousins or if you have cousins near by. But if he does start a friendship with you, it's best to not start out with a falsehood, just own up to it and let him know that you just felt you had to meet him and couldn't think of anything else to say. If you're wondering if its okay for a girl to approach a guy first or ask him out, yes, in this day, it is. In fact, it takes a lot of pressure off the guy if he is just as scared as the girl is about asking. Guys may not obsess about their looks or if they are good enough to attract a girl to the same extent girls do, but they do have the same thoughts bug them. Lastly I want to mention something I learned after I grew older but wished I'd known when I was in H.S. There is such a thing as chemistry. There are two kinds, the chemistry to be instant friends, and the instant romantic chemistry. You are not close friends with everyone in school for that reason. Some people you like but can't explain why. Others may say and do all the right things but you just have no interest in being friends. The same goes for love and romance. The only sad thing is that sometimes only one person feels a chemistry but the other does not. You can't tell over texts or computer or phone if there is chemistry, that is determined in person. I can't explain in detail but it has something to do with our olfactory bulb (you can look that up) having to do with our sense of smell. I am not talking about odors you can easily pick up as a human. This is more like what a search and rescue dog does, sniff a scent and follow it to the lost person. So the reason I go into all this is so that you don't feel terrible if a guy doesn't seem interested in you, even as just a friend. It won't be you or that there is anything wrong with you, just that he doesn't feel any chemistry. Thing is, Most people don't know that there is such a thing, and figure we just don't like someone. So you can approach with confidence and know that you are a girl worth knowing and being friends with but you won't know if he feels chemistry also. So if he rejects you, that will likely be the reason. Young people don't know what to think or say if they don't feel this chemistry thing they don't know even happens and so their minds may have to justify how they feel and they will try to find something they don't like or make it up, like "You're too shy and quiet for me, I don't like how your voice sounds...odd stuff like that but do not pay that any mind because in many cases, it's all made up. Keep up your confidence and know there will be special guys for you to date until one day you meet the one you will spend your life with.
How did you manage going to school and working all at the same time? Was it difficult, easier, or stressful? I am just curious because I want to work part-time and attend school, but I am not sure if it is a good idea since I have 4 classes this semester. I don't want to mess up my grades or fail a class. But I really need the money. Also, can you provide tips on how to balance this out!
Thanks in advance!
I am answering although I have never been in that situation. There are a smaller group of us now that answer help questions. SO I didn't want you to think it didn't post.
I would jot down the amount of hours of school, then how much typically you need to do any kind of studying at home. You need to come up with a reasonable amount of time on personal stuff to do, which includes your personal care like showers, cooking and eating to household tasks, like doing laundry. Some aren't a daily thing so make a chart of time. Include time you need to sleep, and also down time to go out and have fun sometimes. You will soon see if there are any hours left to even work part-time. If not enough time, ask yourself what you can cut down on, time wise, and be able to make it work. It can help you also to know what hours of the day of your 4 or 5 hr shift you can handle. You may want to work 3 or 4 days, and have an extra work week day just to yourself to catch up on whatever needs doing, like a day for a hair or nails appointments for example. I used to work as a care giver, non medical but for some people who needed help but lived at home,a CNA or something like that was needed with things of a medical nature like checking catheter or changing it. I do not have that training. Is This something you currently do? If not, it may be a possible part time job. You'd have to have a boss willing to use you at times that work for you. This is all I can think of. Hope you get it all figured out.
i need advice for one of my problem i dont know what to do .could you help me .I had 2 friends in highschool but becuse of some problems in the past i had to keep distance from them.but they are not the cause of it.its me iam the problem.but after years also they msg me and tell me they want to see me talk to me .but when i think about them i think about my hurtful past abd its givivgvme pain .what should i do.iam in total confusion .i dont know what to do .its not their mistake that i distance from them but its just that they remind me of the dark past that i want to forget .what should i do should I reunite with them or should i ingnore them.when i ingnore them i feel like iam doing something wring but if I think about facing them i feel anxious, fear my heart beat began to raise .can you plese help me could you advice me on what should I do
I have never been in this position. However I do know what it feels like to be kept wondering regarding any issues with friend or family. If these people are true friends, they will understand when you tell them why you have been avoiding them. I think you only lucked out by avoiding them when there was Covid going around. Now that the virus is no longer an issue, if they thought you were remaining distant for that, they would surely notice that even though its over pretty much, you still haven't reached out to them.
A quick story: When I worked at a fast food place, there was a shift manager who barked and yelled at everyone, including me. My ex was verbally abusive so when she acted like that, it was a trigger for me and tho I did not get anxious, I had promised myself that from that point, the divorce, I would never allow someone to verbally abuse me again and I am not exaggerating when I state that what this manager was doing was verbal abuse. So my choices were run away to avoid it, or say something to her and hope that speaking up made a change in her.
So I spoke up.With the husband, I had already spoken up many many times in the past with no change so I simply left and later got the divorce.
When I spoke, it was gentle, and I did not use any accusatory tone of voice, I had nothing against her. I knew there had to be a reason whether she was aware or not of what she was doing. She said sorry and that she grew up with a verbally abusive Dad so she was so used to it that without thinking, was doing the same to others now. So I told her about my past and how when she spoke that way to me, I did not like it because it reminded me of the ex. I did not ask her to stop but she did stop treating me shabby. But funny thing, I was the only person she changed how she treated and all the others still got the verbal abuse. So right now, the first step might be talking to them. Since you will be operating in the adult world soon, I hope you will appreciate my sharing again about the time right before I graduated H.S. because I was painfully shy and afraid of talking to people I did not know. I knew that would not work well for me in my adult life. So I prayed about that situation. And I feel God told me what to do. I was amazed years later when I rented a psychology book by a person I found on line. What God told me, was exactly the way he helped people get over their anxieties, by facing them, not running away, but getting to work at your own pace
I was given simple steps, such as simply smiling at a stranger I was passing by. And that already was terrifying because I felt my smile might encourage them to stop and begin talking to me. To make the story shorter, I was anxiety free in a short time, about two months for me. Today, I am no longer like that. I am usually the first to speak up, especially with strangers. I always tell people that i went from no talking to being like a person who won't shut up. LOL but I do know how to tone things down if it makes someone else uncomfortable. I feel that facing your past, and getting the healing you need would be better than just avoiding it. I know also from my own experiences that if there is something else besides my shyness that I hadn't handled and overcome, that those issues followed me in my life, no matter what my age, until instead of avoiding certain people or situations, because the issue was with me, I faced them. Okay, now you probably want some suggestions as to what facing an issue might be. I recognized certain situations as a personal testing so I could know whether I had learned something from my past. So for example, having a verbally abusive ex, I had learned how to spot the red flags that told me something was wrong and a person would either be a perfectionist, never satisfied, angry or verbally abusive. So when i began to meet guys and date, I found the guys had only enough personal energy to keep up a charade for 2 or 3 dates. I believe they felt if a gal was willing to meet him again, that she liked him enough so that he could go back to being his true self and the woman would not mind because she liked him. There were 3 guys out of dozens, whom I'd met in person who changed by the 2nd, or 3rd date. I was not running into defective men because I hadn't learned anything. These were opportunities, I mentally told myself, for me to know I had learned to spot a troublesome man before getting in too deep with him. Because I had learned and dumped the guys by saying there just wasn't enough chemistry. Men understand that kind of thing. They may think they feel something, but it might only be visual, and I still feel zero attraction or do not want any one of them as my new partner. The battle for the most part, is always in the mind. I'm not perfect because I still have a few things I am not comfortable with even though I should be. I will eventually learn. But the big things like relationships, I had figured out. I would suggest seeing a therapist, counselor sort with the credentials CBT certified, if things don't improve with getting over your past. This sort of professional help is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. These Drs try first to see if it is your thoughts leading you astray instead of being born with a condition that can't be fixed by being more positive. Medication is only for the anxious or depressed who do not respond to therapy. Cognitive means our thinking abilities. How we think will affect our behavior, yet most Drs. will prescribe medication which still doesn't work well because its just masking the situation, not curing it. You want the cure.
I will put a link to the web page of this Psychologist so you can read and realize that others have been helped.
https://feelinggood.com
Wishing you all the best and some personal victories.
I am a 31 yo woman and married. My husband is a research scholar in USA and I am doing my PhD in Europe. Initially I moved to US with him and had a very happy and comfortable life. The honeymoon phase of marriage went well for almost 2years and then he decided to move back to our home country to pursue his dream career in academia. I, on the other hand got admission in a very nice PhD program and moved to EU and started living apart from my husband. I let him know how I want to see our future in US, so he applied to several places in the US. However, due to covid and recession, he could not secure an academic position there and got a great position in an eminent institute back home. He doesn’t want to sacrifice his dream career of an academician just to stay in the US. I totally understand and support his ambitions. But now I am suffering from a very childish envy for a friend of mine who is going to stay in the US when I am forced to leave US. I know it sound funny from a person of my age. But I can’t cope with my own envious toxic thoughts. Especially when this friend of mine had tried inflicting negative thoughts about moving to US with my husband right after my marriage and now she is doing the same thing. I am finding her enormously hypocritical and hating the fact that she would get to live the life I once lived and wanted to continue living. Kindly suggest me how to cope with this horrible mental agony.
I know you asked about envy but from what you wrote, I see two issues, Envy but also the marriage to your husband. I will address the marriage first.
So if I understand correctly, your honeymoon phase ended because he moved back to the home country?
Moving your living location doesn't usually end a honeymoon phase or romance and attraction. I have heard of others who just like me and my husband, consider themselves to be at home if they were with their partner. So it should not matter where a person lives, in which city, state, country, province, etc for them to be at home. And there is a saying that home is where the heart is. My heart belongs to my husband and he feels the same, that as long as he is with me, he is home. Have you ever felt that your husband is home for you and does he feel the same about you? We both do take some private time but most of our days are with each other. Being around your mate 24 hours around the clock will drive some people to frustration and anger, this is usually because on a scale of 1--5, their true chemistry with each other is below average so they wont get along or get along without each other. You can only hope for a 2. Your problem as far as your marriage, I can't say what it is but a counselor could help. With different locations, I feel that both going to marriage counseling is not probably going to work as far as scheduling unless you are both in the same place.
As for Envy, I feel it might be good if you read what psychologists have to say about it. A basic fact they share is that envy comes about when you feel that someone has what you don't have but want and so that is Envy. It is an Emotion and emotions feed on 'thoughts'. So your very own thoughts are causing this emotion. So one help would be to get ones thoughts under control. This means the moment you are aware a negative thought has entered your mind, you speak to it (in private so no person would think you are crazy) and tell that negative thought, that it isn't wanted and you won't spend anymore time thinking about the negative situation or person, etc.However, you have to be patient because at first I found myself making it only 10 minutes or less before another thought on the same subject entered my mind. I repeated to my thoughts the same I shared before. As time goes on and you keep yourself on the alert for these negative thoughts, you'll find that you can go longer, much longer before the bad thoughts reappear. So you my dear have to work on your thoughts. It is your wanting what someone else has that occupy your thoughts. So stop thinking of her, start thinking of how the marriage can be improved.
Here I will put a link for professionals explaining envy.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/envy
And here is another:
https://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Envy
and: https://magnifymind.com/overcoming-envy/ on this one, I thought I'd gone to a wrong page but just scroll down aways and you'll see the article called 'Overcoming Envy'.
I notice no one gave me any advice for my post the other day. I could use the advice. Guys, I need help. For some context, I am 18 in college for 3 days, and work 4 days. I have been battling depression and feel miserable at my job. I have been stuck between 2 places. I either need to ask for ADA reasonable accommodation or that requires a professional diagnosis but I honestly want just to quit. I desperately need accommodation so I can take extensive breaks or work less. I can't go to school Monday-Wednesday and work Thursday-Sunday. on top of keeping my grades up and taking driving lessons. My mental health has been tanking after 8 months of relative happiness now I feel miserable and have thoughts of ending myself(here and there, this is NOT frequent do not worry). No, before you ask, I can't take more breaks as my boss is on my fucking ass. I am depressed which means I lose interest frequently and feel very empty. I had two meltdowns at work. The first I cried and called my friend. The second I screamed at a co-worker and wanted to beat her stupid ass. I am a good student because I sacrificed my stupid mental health for it. Now I need a complete break from college and work how should I do that? I feel like I should quit
You do not mention any Dr.s care in this whole thing. What I have learned in my life that is not widely talked about is that there are two types of depression. The word depression means something is being pressed down low or like a gauge of fluid in your car, if too low or totally out. Some fluids like being out of oil and not ever replenishing it will mean your engine grinding to a halt, being damaged and the car no longer works. Well it happens to humans too. Only instead of oil running out, something called our 'feel good hormones' can run dry. In many people, our bodies create these feel good hormones which are needed to handle the 'stress' of every day life. Without it, the stress will eventually end up using all the hormones meant to help you deal with stress. One depression is when you have not replenished the hormones used up if your body is able to create them. There are some people born with this part missing, not being able to create their own feel good hormones. That is what is called clinical depression. That is the kind people need to take artifical, man made meds to replace the missing hormones. Now in people whose hormone creating works, but they never do anything to nudge their body into creating more and replenishing the used up supply, Drs. are treating the same as clinically depressed people which is not the same thing. I am going into this because you need to know this all to find out if you have clinical depression. those puts on meds when their body has ability to make it, just messes with the body. Thing is, according to my studies by reading some books by a psychologist turned teacher and writer, I know that he found most people do not have clinical depression, only a few. So to fill up on "oil" or for a human a fill up of hormones to help you deal with daily stresses, we must replenish our feel good hormones every day in some way. Now you should be wondering how that is accomplished. Its quite simple, too simple to sound like a medical cure for a condition but it is true. One of my daughters years ago got depressed from a boyfriend dumping her. She is not usually a depressed person but her situation used up more hormones than she could produce quick enough. So this is called a situational depression, a person who does create their own hormones but the stressful situation is so overwhelming, it used up all the hormones in reserve and then due to feeling depressed, the person doesn't do the simple silly things to build it back up. My daughter didn't trust me but went for one free visit thru her job to see a psychologist who could tell from her story that hers was a situational depression. For all I know, perhaps once upon a time, some terrible situation occurred in your life, the reserves were drained, and once drained, the depression made you not feel like doing the very things that could help. So the Dr. sent my daughter home with a list that matches what I have found on line and in the books I've read. Here it is: Hugs-not just a light hug or barely there hug but the full out bear hug that lasts longer than a few seconds. That action is one thing that starts the body raising the levels of feel good hormones, excercise can do it too, not something real hard if body building but general exercise with some kind of movement, whether walking, running, dancing, even skipping like little kids used to. I am a grandma now but if I feel I need it, I will skip for as long as I can before going breathless, but laughing all the way, as I imagine how silly I look. I like to dance so that comes in with listening to a song where the melody (not the lyrics) is something that in previous times hearing it, have always made my heart feel as light as a balloon and it was just flying up and out of my chest. Thats the best I can describe it in explanation. For me, that one favorite melody that does it for me is the song "Clocks" by Coldplay. Its not the words, but the melody that works that magic on me. There is study on the kinds of sounds and tones when repeated that are beneficial to people. You will hear of things such as the sound of gongs or crystal bowls that bring some help to people. Maybe more relaxed, maybe helping the body to function more smoothly. My sister took me to a gong therapy class. Lets just say that at the end, I did feel better even though I felt good before starting. There are Drs now that realize the majority of people who seem to have depression only need what they have gotten credentials to teach, and that is CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy. This can cover all mental health issues but even depression if non clinical. See, us humans tend to have most the issues or battles or hard times in our lives started all by how we are thinking. Negative thinking doesn't change you back to feeling the way you want, healthy. So they work with this and patients who say they have had depression their whole lives, are now finally free. The sad thing is the Drs who tell them they are clinically depressed and try to medicate when that is not really what their condition is. So how do you find out? You follow the list daily several times doing one or some of the things, music you listen to, sing along too, dance to, light exercise, hugs, meditating was on the list as well but doesn't work for me or others I've talked to, however it may for you. If you are doing all these things daily several times, for a week straight and you don't feel even a little better, then nothing you do will help the feel good hormone levels be replenished in you except to see a Dr. and get on anti depressants which are actually supposed to be man made replacement of the hormones that your body can't create. If you don't believe me, perhaps checking out the website of the psychologist I mentioned would help. So here's that: https://feelinggood.com and the Dr. is David D. Burns
I know I haven't addressed your concerns because I see trying other fixes are temporary or won't work because the depression is truly still there. None of all those issues you have would still be a problem if you go to the root of the problem. It is like getting hurt with cuts or scrapes, and not cleansing a wound or disinfecting it, but just slapping on a bandaid, that won't help and usually ends up infected. I remember having a pair of pretty Mary Jane style shoes as a child. Everytime I wore them, I would slip, fall and scrape a knee. I have a permanent scar on one knee from falling too many times. The root of the problem here would be the slippery material for the soles of those shoes. The solution would be to not wear them anymore which I figured out for myself as a child, and to this day, I won't buy a pair of shoes or boots that feel slippery underneath. Going to the root of the problems in your life is most likely your reserves beings all used up and not replaced. All people have stress in their lives, and handle the stress because of feel good hormones. No, feeling good isn't a magic thing that makes you laugh and be bubbly and smile. Thats more a character trait. You may still not be happy about something in your life, not wanting to smile but not smiling is not the same as depressed.
In the case, that working on building up your hormones doesn't work, it's time to see a Dr. and if I were you, and you have health insurance, no matter who your family Dr. refers you to, you can go to anyone you want that is within your insurance network. I am sure you'd be given the average psychologist to see, but what you want is one with the initials CBT after their name because only those Drs. understand there are two types of depression rather than only one. If you don't want to or have problems with trying the list on yourself to determine if you have the clinical kind, then still go see a CBT trained Dr. to determine whether its clinical or not. If you are clinical and have a Dr. who can provide documents stating so, and that medication helps a little, a lot or not at all, then you have something to show to DSHS in your state and city, thats Dept. of Social and Health Services. In case that means nothing to you, its where people go to get on food stamps for one thing. Perhaps a social worker can have an appt with you and with info from your Dr. determine if there are any accomodations, services or anything at all that can help you. Skipping a Dr. and going this step will not help. I used to do care giving for two different mentally challenged adults who took meds and had to go see their mental health Dr. regularly as well as periodical visits from their case worker with DSHS who also wanted to meet with me so I can verify my client told them the truth and didn't leave anything out. Such a person is what you would need. In my case, one client wanted to work although she didn't have to. So she had limited skills and abilities and also her 'melt down points" so a work counselor was assigned to help her find a job that was easy enough for her to handle by companies who don't mind hiring mentally disabled or other disabled people. The job counselor then works as a go between for the company boss and employee, helping out when employee can't seem to work things out in their job or don't understand. And if not a perfect fit, which happened, eventually find the right job for the disabled client. But you would need to be legally proven as disabled when there is nothing one can see disabling on the outside like missing limbs or such.
I started dating a married man, we where both in bad marriages. I planned on leaving and he fell in love then lied to me saying he was in process of leaving. I found out the truth that he was having trouble leaving but now assures me he is and wants to give me proof in 1 week. Am I wrong for this? Then again how could I ever believe anything he says now?
I will start with your question "Am I wrong for This?" My question is "Wrong for what?" because you describe what is going on, what he is doing or not doing and no solid explanation of what it is you are doing that you are concerned about. I understand it was there in your mind while writing. I have done that too but I read what I have written most times just to make sure no misspelling or awkward sentences and to see if it will make sense to someone else.
So rather than point out what things you might possibly be wrong for, I will describe my story to you and see if it helps you.
I married at age 20. It was not a good marriage even though the man attended church as I did and got involved in things there. We had 3 kids. He never touched them or me for the most part, just verbal abuse. That sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, is very untrue. Yes, words will hurt but back to the story. It got worse, but through it, my sanity was kept safe when I would pray and ask God if I did something wrong each time the husband blew up. I always heard back that God was okay with me and it was the husband who had the issues. I chose to believe what our church taught, "Allow God to heal your marriage" then one day to my surprise, God spoke to me. (I am merely sharing my actual experience, not trying to evangelize) So anyways, God told me that He gave free will to all, so the only way for my marriage to work, after 25 years the hubby had to get it right, was for God himself to take away the husbands free will and change him into a perfect husband. He said my husband had run out of time to act correctly with me, so I had a choice, to stay but I would die in 4 years due to the stress and sickness my body experienced that would turn into a terminal illness or I could leave him. Here is the rest of story that I feel may apply to you. I know not all of us hear clearly from God but it is possible and he does speak to those also who have never followed him. So I do not make up any of what I heard in my mind. After trying talks where the hubby would not pleasantly work through a divorce, I went to see a paralegal to ask what my options were and all she said was that I should get back together with him and wait for a mutual decision to get a divorce. I planned on leaving like you but after calling around to the supposed help services for women, I found that none existed for women who were verbally abused, only if you were battered and beat and had the marks to prove it. My hurts were on the inside where they can't be seen. So I was upset and talked to all my friends, and even coworkers to see if any had maybe a rec-room downstairs where I could rent or rent a bedroom. I was surprise to find how many women I worked with who had experienced the same in their lives. But no one could take me except for friends out of state, quite a ways away. Husband didn't really love me but also didn't want to grant me the divorce. So I had to leave him, married as I still was. The longer I was away, the more single I felt as if I had divorced. I got lonely for having a good partner, so I put up an ad. I told the guys of my situation and how I was still married. I had learned what it looked like or sounded like if the husband I left had hidden issues. I found that when I dated, I could easily spot the potential problems, as I am sure you can, you just have to connect the dots in your mind and know that behavior A will produce situation B. I did meet some bad guys who were initially faking it, being nice. I learned that most people put their best foot forward and try to lure a woman to fall for him. And usually if she's willing to go on a 2nd or 3rd date, they are so hopeful they've snookered you that they let down their guard and let their real self show. So yes, I have been lied to as well, just over something different, something the guy knew I did not want because I had stated my wants and needs in my profile for a guy and he was blatantly lying and even forgot himself and did it. I always chose to believe a guy at the start but was looking for consistency. So yeah, you do need to hang out with a guy long enough to see if this nice guy you're starting to have feelings for will always be the man he is showing you at the start if he seems a good guy at the start. Well, I met such a guy. We got together. I was still married. So was he but he had separated from his wife and his teen daughter begged to go with him. The wife had her problems and no longer wanted to be with him but due to a mix up that lawyers couldn't fix, she would be in the U.S. illegally if no longer married since she's born in Canada and proof of her citizenship in Canada was stolen with her purse so any legal change would mean sending her back where she has no family as she was adopted and the adopters were horrible and most likely long dead by now. She has no home or job if she returns so he decided to remain married to her for her sake. I left in 2008 and it wasn't until 6 years later that the husband I was legally married to, finally was ready to divorce and got that done 2014. In all my time of dating before I met the man who I consider my 2nd husband, I never dated any married man who was still living with his wife. SO there is a difference in this man I am with, whom I call my husband, and he calls me wife. The difference is that for all rules and purposes, he is no longer the husband of this previous wife of his. Its just not stamped legal by government documents. So I may be divorced, but my husband is not and for the sake of his "ex" he is still married to her. I know I can trust him because he has been consistent in all that I have seen, heard or witnessed of him. So I was still married when I got involved with my 2nd husband. The difference is, I left the other husband, you know like a separation only thats not what it was, not temporary til back together or divorced but him thinking he could still torture me by not granting a divorce. So by time he was ready to divorce, I had been living with my new man for many years.
You may not have gotten the whole truth from this guy who is married. One guy I had 1st and only meet up with him at a restaurant, told me the truth, that he was married and did not want to divorce but just find a woman who would be his sex partner since he claimed his wife never had sex with him anymore. I don't know if that part is true. However I once read a true story of a man whose wife was ill, wheelchair ridden and too sick to have sex anymore. The man found a female willing to be his sex partner and his wife gave her permission and okay because she knew she couldn't give him what he needed and wanted him to have that if he would still stay with her because they were best friends.
And that brings me to chemistry. There is such a thing as chemistry for being friends, and romantic chemistry for being lovers. Both are needed to have a healthy relationship. Thats why you and I are not friends with everyone we've ever met, because nice as they may be, something just doesn't click there. Its the same with a romantic chemistry. Sadly, most married people have only one or the other, they are best friends but not lovers or at least neither is satisfied sexually, or they are sex partners but are not best friends. I have both with my now husband. With my ex, I had neither of the two. A person who is best friends only but not sex partner with their spouse is going to be unhappy and think about or maybe really get a divorce or will have an affair one time or on going. So this guy comes out and tells me he is looking for a partner for sex. I told him that ultimately I was looking for a life long husband but until I met the guy, I might think about being a sex partner if his wife were to meet me and give her position. He turned white and said he could never do that. He didn't want to hurt her because he loved her (as a friend mind you) and she would never go for it and it would end in divorce which he couldn't afford. So either she and he were best friends only and not a good match romantically, or they were perfect, just needed some counseling, or he was the bad guy, looking for sex outside the marriage.
So I don't look down on you cus at 20 I knew little and married someone who was not my best friend as far as he interacted with me, and certainly not as a lover. And to be truthful, it was all about him, not me, I was just a hole for him to spill his cum. I don't know which status applies to you and husband and also you and the new guy but am willing to bet that with both, you don't really have it all, you may only think you do. In my case, I just simply tried to fool myself and made excuses in my mind for my ex.
The smartest thing I heard was your question of how can you believe anything he says now. I don't know if you just got together or had some discussions before doing so. I talked, and definitely about some things that people are told to not talk to a prospective new partner about so early. That's why I preferred what I called a meet up, not a date, at a place of my choosing, always a coffee shop and from there on, if a guy still wanted to date, he could or he could walk away and I would not come unglued.Also, I would drive myself, not let him take me in his car because I leave myself open to danger in case he is not a good person and would consider harming me.
So how can you believe what he says now? From an example given in a sermon about sin, I applied that analogy to a relationship and understood better what is going on. I heard about a storage jar, much like what contained water in historical times like in the Bible stories. By looking at the jar, you had no idea what was on the inside unless you took off the stopper or lid to look in. We can't do that with people. But if a person is hiding something in their character that they instinctively know would not sit right with any woman, they hide it inside. However things like that don't stay hidden for long. Through cracks in the jar, liquid will ooze out in bits, whether its water or wine etc. With a person, they can only handle the stress of pretending to be someone they are not, for only so long before you will spot something that unknown to them, has leaked out of them, glaring enough for you to see. Its what the sermon mentioned as sin or call it the bad characteristics in us. I was an open book, sharing all my 'spots and wrinkles' in character for guys I met who could ask also any question and I would answer. They knew what they'd be getting if they dated me.
You mention he wants to give proof in 1 week, that he has what....left her and has divorce proceedings scheduled. He can say what ever he wants a zillion times but that doesn't make it true. You know that saying, "I'll believe it when I see it." In a relationship, I think that way. He can say he loves me all he wants, but does the man prove it with something that I can see and observe, witness him doing in how he treats me. Thats what prove or proof means. Dictionary says: Proof is the statement or argument that compels the mind to accept an assertion as true. Where I learned I had made a mistake was in accepting more words as proof, when I should have been looking for something other than words as the proof of whatever statement, or promise or claim that has been made. So ask yourself what you are willing to accept as proof other than his spoken words? Will he have divorce papers to show you, give you the name of a lawyer he's working with who has his permission to verify with you that the divorce proceedings are in the works, or maybe he has moved out and has his own place, after the divorce or while it is still being worked out, you figure out what is the proof you need. If he can't provide it, then it's all wishful thinking or lies on his part. Perhaps he doesn't want to divorce because he wants best friends in one woman and sex partner in another. That means if you are willing to go along with that, both you and he are cheated out of having a healthy fulfilling marriage and despite what you have pretended to believe was an improvement, you have accepted something as bad as what you already have, only bad in a different way perhaps. If the truth of him leaving was found out by you only from what he has said, then that is not perfect proof. While it may be true, just as in court, words of the two parties when opposite are not enough proof for the judge to say who is in the right and who is in the wrong. Evidence that can be shown to the judge, verified by other people who have witnessed that a situation is or isn't correct, is pretty much the few things that are accepted in court and should be in a relationship as well. I know this is all a very long jumble of stories and statements. So if you have any specific thing I have not answered or you want to add to ask, then you can look me up under Tab for browse advice columnists in the blue strip on the left here. Then look me up, thats dragonflymagic, and go to my column to write me from there.
Hello,
So to keep it short, my sister passed away a few months ago at the start of the year and it has been devastating to say the least. My wedding is in the summer and it is a few months away. At first I wanted to postpone it a year, however, because of my family's circumstances and us always being abroad and away from one another, we decided it would just be best to have a small "reception" instead of a big wedding sometime in the summer so that me and my soon to be husband can live together since we have been waiting for that for a while.
It was a very hard decision for me to make as me and my family are grieving and we are such a close and big family. The thing is, I am okay with my decision because I know that things need to move froward and that I need to start my new life with my husband. So that decision has already been made, to throw a small reception in the summer. It will be 6 months from my sister's passing and my family encouraged me to do this and want to see me go off and get married.
The thing is, I am really not in the best state of mind and can't imagine going on a honeymoon and traveling just yet. It has been hard enough planning this reception and doing all these things while I grieve, however, I am doing this because I dont want to look back and think to myself that I didnt try enough to make a nice reception for me and my husband.
My husband keeps telling me that we can postpone our honeymoon for next year and go on a "road trip" somewhere inside the country right after our reception instead of traveling if I feel like im not ready, and I was okay with that idea. He told me that we can postpone our honeymoon and instead we can travel somewhere really nice and romantic on our wedding anniversary next year. This was a sweet idea that he presented and
I don't mind doing that, but because I am a really indecisive person in general, I keep thinking that what If I regret not having a proper honeymoon.
I know that this may sound silly, but I think subconsciously I am comparing myself to his ex wife who he had his honeymoon with in Bora Bora.
He said it was the worst times of his life, since they got divorced very quickly after they got married due to many reasons, so he doesn't have a special memory about that. However, I feel like if I dont go, I won't experience traveling with him like I want to. But I also don't know if i want to go when my mood is in constant up and down and I feel like it wouldn't be right to go on a honeymoon when my family is still in pain back at home and grieving. I dont know if that makes sense. But I am having so many conflicting thoughts and feelings towards this situation and I really cant think straight or know what to do!
Unfortunately, I know that no one can help me make a decision like this and that this is something for me to try to think through myself. But I think I am just looking for any kind of reassurance that what I am feeling is normal and that it's normal for me to feel like I don't want to not go on a trip like that because I am worried that I wont enjoy it to the fullest with my husband. I know that he will be wanting to do so many things and roam around, have amazing night life experiences and I dont know if i would enjoy that with what I am going through.
Any thoughts? Any opinions and thoughts to help ease my mind will be really helpful for me at this point.
Thank you so much and I am sorry if this is long! :) xo
Not long at all. Thanks for being so open to share all details. So first, my condolences on the passing of your sister. No matter what reason she passed on from, she is happy in heaven looking down and watching you and rest of family. For those with Near death experiences, the story is always the same as far as how they feel. They feel so happy and free and they do watch to see how family members are doing. She likely regrets that her death came at a close time to your wedding and understands you are grieving, but most likely she may hope that there is little affect on your ceremonies. I believe you are a very intelligent wise person since you are looking how you will be doing emotionally. Talk about emotional yoyo affect, one moment happy due to marrying your sweetheart followed by another where you have a memory of your sister and begin weeping. For the money spent on a honeymoon trip, it would be a shame if you couldn't enjoy it to its full worth, so the idea of a smaller something special locally may be the best move. Then the both of you could plan to go instead on your 1st anniversary and you'd both be happier knowing you waited.
The one caution I mention is that being pregnant or having a newborn if you were to get pregnant at the start, would interfere with that plan so both of you need to take precaution,, like being on the pill, using an IUD or some other form of birth control. You could then start for trying for a child after the postponed trip is over or longer if you both have planned to wait.
The Wedding should still be held. People attending will know that your sister is no longer around. I have seen people place a framed close up portrait of the passed love one at the wedding since they can't be there in person, a way to include her presence at the wedding. If she was to have a job or position at the wedding, like a bridesmaid, then perhaps that portrait on an easel type of stand up on stage near the bridesmaids would commemorate her and how sad you are she isn't there to fulfill her bridesmaid job. When its a parent who died, usually people place the portrait in one of the chairs up front reserved for family. However, not everyone sees it then. But this is just a suggestion. One way or another, I am pretty sure she will be present in spirit at your wedding. Of people with NDE's, while temporarily dead, stories of relatives surprising them with details of weddings and births and other grand events are told. Yes, they do watch and often will come be present. Just expect that she is there to witness your marriage hon. And take that smaller road trip honeymoon now and wait a year to go on a grand vacation when you've had some time to grieve and at least get past the shock of it.
Don't even try to worry and compare your honeymoon to that of your fiance and his ex. Some people may be great people but when married to the wrong person, it's a disaster. I'm hopeful he learned something from it and is making a great choice now the second time around. And lastly, congratulations on your upcoming marriage.
My husband (36M) and I (35F) will be together 13 years, married for 10 years this summer. I have thought about divorcing him everyday for the past 8. We have a daughter (8F) together.
We we’re always fine until we moved to his hometown 8 years ago. Before that I was in the service and he was in construction. Once we got near his family- EVERYTHING changed.
His family, specifically his dad, is always around- every day - all day. I wake up and his truck is in my driveway. His other family members- mom, sister, uncle’s, grandparents are constantly here too. There is no peace. To the point where I cry (to myself) from frustration and now so does my daughter. We’re just like, “GO AWAY!”. They are all good people and no one is malicious or purposely trying to annoy us. They are just an extremely close family and they have welcomed me as truly one of them.
I’ve raised this issue to my husband and he tells me they’re not here as much as they are, that I’m crazy, that it’s not that bad, that I’m dramatic, that they just like me and why am I being so mean (I’m not mean to them directly but when I tell my husband it comes out as “this is absolutely ridiculous i can’t take it anymore “)
I run a successful business and my husband works for me, has for 5 years. So his income is completely dependent upon me. I don’t want to ruin him and I don’t want to keep our daughter from him. In fact, I don’t need child support of just like to require that he put a certain amount in savings for her each month.
If we divorced he’d have to go back to construction.
He’d also have to really downsize his lifestyle- he flaunts that “he” has money and has everything a man’s-man could want. If he wants it - he gets it. He asks me for it and if I say no he’ll just keep begging until I’m like, “fine! Go!” Like a kid he just wears you down and drives you crazy. I’m going to work to continue to build my business and have nothing to show for it.
He swears CONSTANTLY in front of our daughter “F this, F that.” He yells out loud about her friends in the other room “I don’t want that little fuck who can’t listen in my house - she’s an asshole”…he’s saying this about a little girl who is 8, and she can hear him, and she didn’t commit any serious offense. Maybe he said pick this up and she smarts back, “oh whatever 🙄” - that warrants that reaction.
Everything I say or experience is not accurate according to him. I was having a difficult day mentally once and told him what I was going through and he corrected me telling me how I experience my PTSD from the service. He’s never been in the military. He doesn’t have PTSD. HE’s NOT ME.
Another example would be - I told him my daughters friend can't come to her birthday party because her friend will be at her dads. Which I never said and I know I didn't because, how would I know that? I don't. He said I told him her mom texted me that. Again, how is that possible- "look at my texts, that's not there."
"Yes it is."
"Literally look"
"I'm not looking at something I know is there"
He's a Major gaslighter.
He is impossible to argue with because whatever he says is true, you can't even argue your side because he will tell you something in front of his face is not there. In a room full of people. Who have EYEBALLS. he's not delusional-he just refuses any truth that he doesn't like.
All day is constant guilt trips with him and things he needs - "I need this" "I need that" "I need your help" "how do I do this" he needs me to help him with the most ridiculous things or he'll say he needs help and has literally called me out to his garage to be there to watch him do something. Like a kid. I can tell how the way he is now is a direct effect of the way his parents raised him. He's still a boy. He wants to be up my butt 24/7 - just like his family.
He never, in his life, has ever had to pay the price for a mistake - big or small - and his behavior reflects that.
In 2019 I couldn't take it anymore- the gaslighting made me not know if what I experienced was true or not, I thought I was crazy. I was stressed out if my mind running/building the business, he worked for me at that point but really what he did was drink beer with his father all day, which he still does. He'll tell me he doesn't have time to get all of his work done while taking at least every Monday and most of Friday off to drink beer with his dad. It's insane.
Anyway, in 2019 I had enough and told him - for real this time because it was a regular occurrence, that I was divorcing him. This time was different and He knew I was serious initially he through a giant fit and when that didn't work he got on his hands and knees and cried and begged, "Please don't, please don't, please dont" over and over.
It didn't work. He went to stay at his parents and would call ME to have a shoulder to cry on about his hard time with this divorce. I would tell him - call one of his family members who are around him 24/7 , i an not the one he should be crying to. I had warned him and warned him. FOR YEARS. Of course he said he didn't know.
And at that point he couldn't gaslight me, he had to tell the truth because the second he'd try his shit with me he knew I'd shut down and not speak to him so his "I didn't know" went like this...
"I didn't know."
"How could you not know when I've told you several times? I'm not accepting that bullshit from you."
"..."
"Do you admit that I said what was wrong"
"Yes."
"Do you have ear that hear?"
"Yes"
"I speak English, do you comprehend English"
"Yes"
"Do you recognize how that'd make it impossible for you not to know then?"
"Yes"
"You knew, you just thought you were going to keep getting away with your bullshit."
"..."
However, I am - UNFORTUNATELY a very empathetic person. I can't stand to be in the room or on the phone with someone hurting. I hurt the same as they do. And I felt guilty even though I should not have. He knows this and made sure to stay around me constantly even though I'd say, "go away, you need to leave, stay away." Nope.
And he suckered me right back in.
The swearing in front of our daughter stopped.
His family was gone.
He'd kiss up to my family and friends.
He'd do everything for me.
And he complimented everything I am or did.
That was 2019.
Within 6 months, almost right back where we were.
He'd swear in front of our daughter and I'd say, "one of our agreements was that you were t going to speak like that in front of her."
"I don't fucking care."
And that's where I am at. I do not understand how someone who LITERALLY KNOWS he is going to lose his house, his wife, his job, his truck, his EVERYTHING and already almost did would continue to do those exact actions - as if the clock had not already ran out on him before...
What saved him last time was 2 things - MY family, who told me to leave him, flipped on me and were all basically like "we feel bad for him." "Are you sure?" And "well I'd never tell you to get a divorce but I'll support you no matter what you choose."
they did tell me that
I had chosen soooo....wtf?
The other, and this is the big one still holding me back, is my relationship with god. I know it says divorce is a sin and you shouldn't get divorced - for better or for worse. This is my for worse. I also don't think god put me here to be miserable my entire life. I understand long-suffering when it comes to serving the lord if it's required. But this is the suffering I'm supposed to go through? For what reason? I'm just supposed to be like my grandmother and mother and put up with it because men are men?
There is CONSTANT drinking going on because of his family constantly being here, myself included. If I lived alone I'd probably have 8 beers, in a month - total - I wouldn't even pick it up at the store. With this family the beer fridge is STOCKED at all times (on my dime) and I can probably drink 8 in a night - my husband and his dad can kill 30 together every day. I don't want that constantly around my daughter, that's how I grew up and I know how that is. My point - it's not exactly godly living this way from the drinking aspect.
I feel like I could live a better life and one god would be proud of if I wasn't with him. Does that justify a divorce?
I can't take it anymore, divorce consumes my mind. I'm constantly frustrated, want to cry. I'm so sick of feeling like this and I don't deserve it.
I want out but I feel like he's going to manipulate me and use major guilt trips. Also, we live in pa and he knows he doesn't have to leave the house and he won't and I'm not going to either - I pay for it and everything in it. If I leave he may have the right to keep it over me. Plus this is my daughter's home and I'm her mother and not to offend anyone but if you read the above she needs me to be here.
HELP! ADVICE! ANYTHING? Thank you!
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How about I share my story with you as I too had to consider a divorce and then go through with it, and I am a Christian too. I am grandmother age and remember the same scriptures as you do regarding divorce. I believe that unknowingly, people sometimes interpret scripture differently or not completely enough for Gods message to go through. I say this because God spoke to me clearly telepathically, you know, that still voice in my head. I can tell you I knew it wasn't me coming up with what I heard. I was verbally abused all of my marriage and our 3 daughters witnessed it. He yelled and swore alot. The stress from it had to go one of two ways, it settles in your body and you get illnesses and can get something terminal just from the stress. Or, the stress goes to your mind and a woman will get depressed, have little to zero self confidence, worry and perhaps display symptoms of a mental illness. It affected my body. My blood pressure rose, got migraines, daily headaches, total body rashes that came and went often, stomach ulcers and a few more. When he got done chewing me out, I would go pray in private and ask God if I had truly done anything wrong. He'd always tell me No. God explained that the husband was the one with some problems and sometimes got angry and imagined that my tone of voice was mean and snippy. Hah, I knew better than that because if said anything to defend myself, that was like throwing fuel on the fire.
The real irony here was that in the beginning when asked to marry him, I had turned to God and prayed asking if it was okay and God had said yes. I know God is a loving God so He wasn't doing something to hurt me. I saw this as God wanting me to grow and learn something. I am a very loyal person by nature, though not empathetic like you, however I know that those two traits are something that would cause me to stay until death do us part.
What follows now is what I heard from God so I hope you get your own teaching and instructions.
So one day God told me that it was not a selfish
thing to think of my own welfare first. Our main purpose on earth is relationships, building a relationship with our Lord and Savior, with our family and with friends we are blessed with and then reaching out to help ones we may not know.
God said to think of myself as a Garden hose. He wants his Love to flow freely through us, but his love can't flow well if there are cracks and leaks, a kinked hose or a blockage of some kind in the hose. I have to learn to love myself, not 80 or 90% but 100% which I was not doing by staying with my husband and letting myself be subject to his torment. A loyal streak and hearing how God hates divorce, as i had heard plenty of times in church, had me staying. So when I made no move to leave, God spoke to me when I wasn't seeking an answer to a question. He told me that my husband had broken all of wedding vows by not loving and cherishing me, and so on. And that meant I was free to leave and get a divorce. I think God knew I was still reluctant, afraid maybe it was not Him but just my own thought. Then I heard from him that he would not force me, that the choice was mine. However if I stayed with the husband, I would be dead in 4 years. Now that is not something I would come up with to tell myself, thats scary stuff. I knew from my own Mom that when she divorced my Dad and remarried, the man she choose only made matters worse and she was very stressed with no relief and she wasn't a believer at the time. The stress broke her body down to the point she got cancer and later died of it. So I knew it was serious and possible. I was probably at my last chance to separate myself from a source that was slowly killing me so at any point if I stayed, I would get a fast growing Cancer or fatal Heart attack or something related that would take my life. I wanted to see my daughters married and be a grandmother. I wasn't ready to go. So my decision was made, I had to leave. I left out that before this point, a retired counselor friend told my husband that he needed help. It wasn't a matter of marriage counseling but he had witnessed symptoms of mental illness in the husband. He got my husband to start looking for a Dr. who could work with him. I went along this search and both of us liked the 3rd person we met. Later I overheard him telling a friend on the phone that he was only pretending to go to appts because there was nothing wrong with him but he was doing this to keep me. Now I knew he wasn't willing to get better and that was his last chance and when God told me I should leave him. I even got a vision while meditating, of seeing the two of us with a cord that attached at our stomaches, the kind of ribbon where an official cuts the ribbon to announce an opening or start of something. In my case, I was handed scissors and told that this was my last chance to decide to stay despite what I now knew, or to leave. If I were to cut that ribbon in my vision, it would mean I was truly separated from him in all ways, even emotionally. I tell you it was hard and scary. Well change is like that for most everyone. But I knew God was serious and if I cut that ribbon, even though in a vision, things would change quickly and the marriage would end. I did cut that ribbon. It helped me to be determinded to save myself. The last child was now an adult at 18, and though I asked her if she wanted to come with me, she opted to stay. I had friends out of state who would take me in. Basically, in waiting one more year for daughter to turn 18, I had 3 years left if considering what God said. I had brought up divorce several times to my husband. One time he was leaving out of town and said when he got back, he'd sleep on the murphy bed until we got a divorce. However once back, he argued over and over about how he would not grant me a divorce and claimed by pointing to items that everything was his and I couldn't have everything. Of course that wasn't true. So in desperation to leave, I decided to leave before a divorce and I did. I stayed one year away before coming back since my eldest was expecting and due at a time when her Navy husband was on a ship. I lived with her a while, then with a friend while saving up to get into an apartment of my own. I met a guy who also for reasons I won't go into, couldn't get a divorce from his wife but wanted to find a woman with whom he could love and grow old with. So I had only dated him a short time before I heard from my husband who said he had a lawyer who wrote up a divorce contract and all they needed was my signature. However that was 5 years it took him to get to that point because he kept saying no to me. i wanted to be free of him so that if he got into debt that no one could come after me to pay it up. I didn't get any money out of it. We each had our own vehicles so there was only the house. the contract was for him to get the house, and I got my maiden name back. I was happy with that as I could not afford the house payments, and he operated a business out of the house and was established in that for quite some time so I wanted him to have it for that reason too. I am now divorced from him since Sept. 2014. Due to the technicalities with the man I met, he wasn't free to marry but we've been together going on 14 years this summer and though we had a small gathering to commemorate, we aren't legally married but consider ourselves married and as for marriage partners, its like night and day in difference. I am so loved and cared for, we never fight, we may disagree sometimes but its never ending in a fight. I am at peace. Even my own adult daughters saw the change in my appearance and how I looked so much healthier and happier after I left their Dad. I Should have left earlier since the watching how dad treated me, caused one of my daughters to shy away from marriage and woldn't date a guy unless he was a wimpy milktoast type of person who would be happy to let her be the one in control and just goes along with mostly all her wishes. Because of that, I wish I had come to my senses sooner and spared them some of the actions of their Dad on their emotions. Since you have a daughter, she is watching and seeing how her Dad acts and most likely could be affected so that she may not be able to have a normal life. Staying teaches her as you said to put up with it all, cus men are just men. Yeah, lots of duds out there but there are a few good ones and I found one.
Now I would ask you to do the same I did and communicate with God. Your path may not be exactly the same as mine, but God will surely lead you so you know what steps to take. The lesson I now know God had for to learn was to not only love the Lord with all my heart but to LOVE myself. A women can't be truly loving herself if she allows someone to continually teat her badly by staying in that situation, that job, that marriage. It would be nice if we could just fix a marriage by what we did. My church had a phrase, "Trust God to heal your marriage." God told me that is so wrong because first, He gave each of us a free will therefore if He were to change my ex by force into the perfect husband, then the ex wouldn't have had free will. God knew there was a chance this man wasn't going to do the right thing from the beginning but was Good enough to allow my ex the chance to learn and change. When that didn't happen, something good still came of it. I grew as a believer and learned to love myself first so that I could truly be well enough to love others. Oh yes, also the verse about loving your neighbor as yourself doesn't mean you love the neighbor first because the word appears first due to how the scripture is written. (Another thing God showed me) It simply means that the way you should love your neighbor is the way you first love yourself." So remember the garden hose story.
You could if you chose to mention marriage counseling and see if he is willing to go. If he goes and it doesn't change, then you proceed with divorce, or if he isn't willing to go for whatever reasons, then it the same, proceed to divorce. Since you employ him, I wouldn't let that stop you. See what God says about that. Me, just logically looking at it, yes, he'd probably have to find work if you fired him. If he can still be nice as an employee, then you give him the choice if he wants to stay or look for other work. However if this is a sole Proprietor business you have and it grew to need one employee and it's him, then as its not a larger company, but the both of you would be working closely together, it would be like bolting the front door and leaving the back door open so he can come and try to torture you at work or sabotage the business somehow. If you talk to a lawyer, it would be best to know what is the best strategy. Perhaps divorcing and giving your husband a time frame in which to find work so you aren't just firing him. However if he shows no signs of leaving employment for a new job, then when the time limit is up, he is let go. If you feel that the daughter will suffer from a divorce, think of what I said regarding my one daughter. I also knew a guy my husband worked with who told us he was astounded when his daughter begged him to get a divorce because the mom/wife was very bad and it made life hell for the child also. The child preferred to see both her parents happy with new partners. Sometimes that is the best thing for the children rather than staying together. Sorry how long this was but I felt you needed to hear every bit I shared. Blessings to you.