Belladonna's advice column

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Q: I am so stressed out that i am having trouble sleeping and concentrating. Any advice on ways to releve stress?

I feel for you there! I had problems with sleeping because of stress, as well. Then at my school w ehad a handing stress seminar, and they taught us a trick which I found really helpful.
It sounds weird but it works.
When you are trying to sleep, mentally visualize a paper bag in your head. Put everything thats worrying you into the paper bag, seal it up, and then put it by your bed. Then immediately think about something else. It really does rid your mind of stressful and worrysome thoughts and ensures a good night sleep.

During the day, take lots of breaks and do something you enjoy. Reading a book is helpful for me, so is listening to music. Playing a video game can help quite a bit too if you're the type. Just anything to get your mind off anything thats stressing you out.

All the best.

Q: for school i have to write an essay about the book "greay expectations" and i need to write about the themes of the book and i have to write in examples, not quote examples, but saying what happened during that part of the book.
it is due 2morrow and i am soo screwed. i rele need help and i promise i will give 5's.
plz help!!
-desperate

Try these sites for summary, theme exploration, and quotes etc. It always helps me.

www.sparknotes.com
www.cliffsnotes.com

Q: A married male friend of mine recently told me that although he finds a lot of the pornography out there offensive and that it made him sick; that he still struggled with it. Does this mean that he just admitted to me that he has a sex addiction? And also, does anyone else find it strange that he would be revealing this to me and not his wife?

I believe most, if not all guys struggle with porn addictions some time in their lives. I've always found it degrading and offensive, but I accept that a lot of people (not only men) like it and look at it often.
It is usually quite a harmless addiction, but have I read some case of some marriage that was ruined because the woman could never satisfy her husband the way pornstars do in films and thus he turned to watching porn rather than having sex with her. A lot of people don't realize that porn is simply fantasy and acting, and find their sex life unsatisfying because it is nothing like in the movies. It can cause a lot of jealousy issues and such.

I don't think he has a sex addiction, though. I'm sure he came to you as he wanted some advice on what to do and was afraid of how wife would react if he told her. He probably trusts you and wants your viewpoint on it all.

Q: How can you tell if he actually likes you?

Flirting is not a clear indicator, because being friendly can be interpreted as flirting. And people flirt without realizing it.

A good way to tell if a guy likes you if if he acts differently around you. Notice how he acts with his friends or acquaintances. He'll probably be completely different around you if he likes you. Some guys if they like a girl don't talk to her at all and can come across as a "standoffish" but thats only because they're shy (they have no problem talking to anyone else but freeze up when around the girl they like). Other guys can make an real effort to talk or be around a girl. That's the more "outgoing" types. Like, that kind of guy will always try and sit next to you, always find excuses to talk to you, etc.

That's really the only way to tell whether he likes you without hearing it straight from the horses mouth. One thing I suggest is not to look into things too much. Some people really are just being friendly. You'll only end up hurt if you immediately assume he likes you from the smallest sign.

Good luck.

Q: Last night my boyfriend and I went to a lounge with my friends. Me and my boyfriend came back to my house and told me as soon as we got in that he told my best friend that she's been looking better lately. This kind of upsetted me even though he told me himself. It makes me feel uncomfortable that if he goes out with me and my friends that he'd be checking them out.. which I guess all guys do anyway. But I mean, she is my best friend and all.. I just think that what he said to her should have been kept to himself. Like, I know that if I was hanging with his friends and I told one of them that they looked good that he'd be mad too. Plus, I've always been insecure about myself lately since my depression has gotten a lot worse.. so that might be why the comments he gave her made me upset. I don't know.. but do you guys think I'm overreacting?

I don't think you're overreacting at all. some people might say you are, but I personally would've been upset too. I can't understand why your boyfriend told you that he told her that -- surely he must've known you'd be upset. It's natural and normal that guys will still feel attracted to girls (by this I don't mean they will check out every girl that walks past) but most have the common decency to keep it to themselves. I think he should've been a bit more aware of your feelings, although in all fairness he may not have known. I think your best bet is to tell him how you feel and how you didn't appreciate him telling that to your best friend. I'm sure he'll understand.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years now. His father was diagnosed with cancer back in May and when the finally did catch it, it was too advanced.

Today they officially gave him 6 months to live.

My boyfriend was all out crying when he told me. I've known him since we were 12 (we're both 18 now) and I've never seen him cry.

His brother committed suicide in October and even then I saw no tears.

I don't know what to do here. I don't know what to say and I don't know how to act. You'd think that after I've known him and his family so long that I would. But I don't. Not even after his brother.

Hi. This is an awful situation. If it's any consolation to your boyfriend, doctors can only estimate, and often they are wrong. They gave my grandfather 6 months and he lasted 2 years. Tell him that there's no way to know this, and doctors can sometimes be suprised by a patients recovery.

Right now, though, all you can do is be there for him. Try and get his mind off things. Spend as much time with him as you can, take him to a funny movie, have him over and cook him dinner, etc. Make him a CD with his favourite songs to listen to when he's down. Just anything to let him know you care. Encourage him to talk about his feelings rather than bottling them up, as that will only make him feel worse. Always be ready to listen to him.. don't feel you have to "say anything" to comfort him. Listening is enough. If you two are the type, a lot of hugs and kisses will help too. Anything to let him know you care.

Q: i get a lot of popups and there are some nasty ones like porn.. and it gets really annoying and i use ad-aware but it doesnt work well.. i also use limewire so would that be the cause of it? can someone PLEASE tell me what to do cause im sick of these popups

What I recommend is downloading a new browser. I use Mozilla Firefox and NEVER get any pop-up ads. It really works.

You can download it for free from here: http://www.mozilla.com/firefox/

Q: wenesday i have my spanish exam.

right now im doing horrible in that class and praying this exam helps me out.

i need more ways to help me get all these words into my head.

i made flashcards and i study them and theres ones i dont have any idea.

i Have extreme short term memory loss. so nothing sticks to my memory over maybe 30 min. I need something i can study for tomorrow then cram a little 30 min before the exam so some sticks.

sorry its confusing.

ill look at website if you can give me some.
and any ideas to help me study would be awesome.

by the way.: im only in spanish 1

Mnemonic devices are great for studying. Here is a list of them:
http://library.thinkquest.org/C0110291/tricks/mnemonics/index.php

The best way to memorize things is not to just simply go over and over it, but to make it meaningful to yourself. This is called elaboration rehearsal. Think about the information you are studying what it means to you. Link it things you already have stored in your memory. Simple rote repetition of facts isn't going to ensure you remember it later, but if you make it meaningful to you you'll be more likely to remember it. For example.. say you need to remember the spanish word for "dog" If you have a dog, associate the word with the name of your dog. Or think about an bad experience you had with a dog and associate the word with that. That's a bad example, but just wanted to show you what I meant. :)

I did psych last year which is why I know a lot about this stuff. These helped me out for exams so hopefully they'll help you out too. Good luck on your test.

Q: over a period of time about 6 months i have become infatuatated with my colleugues wife. whenever i go to her house to see my collegue i keep staring at her. some times i feel she is also doing the same some times.i have definiteky seen her doing the same. I am 45yrs old happily married.she is about 40.I have a hunch that she wants me to make a move but i am not sure.i want to to take minimum of risk as the consequences are too much to bear.on other hand i feel a fling for a short time is not bad as we only live once.please help me

I think it would be very unfair to your wife for you to have a "fling" with another woman, even if its short and not serious. I don't mean to be rude here, but the 'we only live once' is just making excuses for it. True, your wife may never find out, but you'll have to live with it on your conscience for your whole life. It may feel right now, but in the future you might regret it.

If you feel the sparks gone from your marriage, divorce your wife. Why be with someone who you no longer love? and if you did love your wife, would you do this? Of course, it might be just a simple infatuation that may pass, and yes these things are inevitable. Undoubtedly crushes do develop on others, even when you are married. Acting on them however takes it to a new level. Don't go there.

I apologize if I came across as rude but I was just stating my opinion.

Q: My boyfriend is 24 and I'm 22 and we've been dating for at least 2 years. We love eachother dearly and are serious about one another. The only issue he and I occasionally discuss is religion. We do have a lot of the same morals however he's Christian and I was born into a sect of Hinduism, which I do believe in. Although we do respect and appreciate eachothers beliefs, I kinda get the feeling he wants me to convert. I really don't want to label myself something I'm not comepletely. Is it possible to have a healthy 'interfatih' relationship that works in the long run?!

Well, at least he believes in something rather than nothing, right? I'd say that'd cause more problems.

You needn't worry about converting for now. Perhaps if you guys decide to get married it may be something you need to discuss. But for now, religious beliefs shouldn't come between anyone in a relationship. You obviously care a lot about each other and seem respecting and accepting of each others beliefs. And because you have the same morals there's no problem there either. If it's bothering you though you should talk to him about it and ask him if there's any issues with you two being from different faiths. If it does bother him, then maybe you need to question whether he's worth it or not.

Q: hey i just wanna know if iam not a virgin will my husband know on the wedding night??? is there a way for him not to know?

Well, when you lose your virginity your hymen breaks. The hymen is a thin layer of skin covering the opening of the vagina. When it breaks, you bleed. How much you bleed depends on the person. He might be able to tell you're not a virgin if you don't bleed (In the bible, men would keep the bloodstained sheets as proof that their wives were virgins when they were married) But apparently the hymen can break in other ways, like from horse riding or other sports, or from using tampons. So I guess there isn't an accurate way to tell.

Q: I put this in spirituality even though it doesn't really fit...

When I was a young teen I was very active in my church and school. I was in the choir, I helped to organize the children's liturgy, and I took part in the discussions and events that our Catechist organized all the time.

When I was seventeen I feel in love with another girl. For a few months we kept our relationship secret, but eventually it had to come out and my church pretty much ostracized me and told me in no uncertain terms that my help was no longer needed. My relationship with that girl lasted for two years and we are still very close friends. What happened with my church makes me very sad, but I don't regret my choices. I am a bi-sexual woman and I'm not ashamed of it.

The problem is now I am dating a guy and have been for a while. Old friends from the church are suddenly talking to me and being all nice and welcoming again. It's breaking my heart because I know if this relationship ends and I meet a woman I want to date I'll be kicked out again just as quickly. They keep inviting me out to dinner or to mass, (I have kept going over the years but I'm basically ignored by everyone.) Part of me wants desperately to be accepted and loved by these people again, the other part of me is just furious with the way they treated me and the pressure they are putting on me now to conform. Should I just accept this while it lasts or should I maybe say something to these people?

Hmm, this is a tricky one. If it were me, for my pride, I wouldn't become friends with them. They can't accept you for who you are and were horrible to you for no reason. I'm not sure I could forgive someone after that. Yes, I know they have their religious beliefs, but they are not being very "christian-like" by shunning you and being unaccepting. You are allowed to date who you want. Christianity is all about faith and what a good person you are, something they obviously are having difficulty with. I don't see why you need to conform to their standards for them to like you. That, in a way, is sacrificing yourself and true friends should like you for you.

You could try joining another church, or finding a youth group for bisexual teens in your area. Yes, they do exist. Trust me, there are heaps of people in your position.

Q: One of my friends likes this guy, and while I was at her house I started talking to him on AIM; we had a good conversation, so when i got home I asked for his sn, because we got along pretty well. I've been talking for him for two or three weeks, now and I'm starting to get the feeling that I may like him. I really don't want to do anything to make my friend mad at me or him, and I don't want it to seem like I'm stealing him from her. I don't want to tell either of them that I do like him, because I'm not positive. I don't want to make something bad if it's just a phase or whatever. What should I do?

You're venturing into a situation which you really don't want to find yourself into. I'd say stop talking to him right now, or at least for a little while until these feelings pass. If he's out of sight, he'll be out of your mind. By talking to him all the time, you're only going to make the feelings stronger. Of course, the feelings might not be genuine, but you definitley need some time away from him anyway.
Your friend trusted you enough to let you speak to him, so if you went for him, it could get REALLY messy. It's not your fault or anything at all, these things happen all the time. I've seen so many people fall for their friends crushes, and such. But someone always ends up getting hurt.
I'm sure there's other guys out there who you can concentrate on. Maybe this guy has some nice friends. Hey, maybe your friend will stop liking him. But for now, forget about him.

Q: Can anyone give me a few songs about death, suicide, cutting, anything sad and i mean SAD

It doesnt matter the 'type' of music

Please and thank you

Papa Roach - Last Resort

Nine Inch Nails - Hurt

System of a Down - Chop Suey

Silverchair - Miss You Love

Ozzy Osbourne - Suicide Solution

The Verve - The Drugs Don't Work

Q: Hi,
I was just wondering if there is a way I can find out what my ring size is. I don't wanna have to go anywhere to find out, so if anyone knows please let me know! Thank you!

Go here:

http://www.overstock.com/ringsize.html

Q: I went on a date with this guy that had liked me for a long time.
The date was at a local restaurant. He was starting to look a little bored so I tried to use humour to lighten the mood.
I told him that sometimes my dad shaves his face with an electric razor when he's driving. I thought this was hilarious, and other people that I've told also thought it was quite funny.
Well his reaction? He gave me the dirtiest look and never said a word. I felt really stupid.
But I didnt think what I said was that bad.
Was my date overreacting or did he have a right to look that way?

Umm, what the hell? I'm not sure why someone would be offended by something like that. There is nothing at all offensive about that comment.

Maybe he thought the setting was inappropriate for the joke (while you were in a restaurant), but apart from that I have no clue why he would be offended. I think he was overreacting a bit, and if he can't have fun or laugh a little, it's not really someone you want to be with. It sounds he needs to loosen up a LOT.

Q: okay, this may sound gross, but i really need an answer to this question. there is this guy i really like. we had this lady come to our school and talk to us about sex a few weeks ago. a couple of nights ago, i had a dream that this guy i like got me pregnant. the dream didn't leave out anything. in the dream, we were happy that it had happened. does this mean anything? i am not perverted and haven't had thoughts like this before, but this couldn't be helped. it was a dream. i am saving sex until marriage, but in this dream, it was happening in the present. i need some answers! thanks in advance! i'll rate 5's!

Dreaming about having sex with someone is completely normal. It doesn't mean you are perverted at all. Dreams are our way of coming to terms with our repressed emotions, and feelings. Because your guard is down when your unconscious has the opportunity to act out and express its hidden desires. It's just your subconscious coming through and your natural sexual desires. Nothing to worry about at all, because it seems you've got pretty strong morals when it comes to sex. :)

For more information on dreams, go to dreammoods.com

Q: Olga Botea
IRLA Per.3
Dec. 3, 2005

Mathilde’s Character analysis

I enjoyed The Necklace, by Guy de Maupassant very much, because of the way he described the main character. The way that he wrote about Mathilde, it seemed as though she existed. In my mind she was a sparkling and shimmering blob of bright colors and laughter. Mathilde is a pretty and charming girl who had little money, and less hope. Mme. Loisel lives in a moderate apartment, and she feels that she needs better. These factors make her extremely ungrateful, shallow, and very imaginative of a better life. Mathilde had married a middle class man named Mr. Loisel. He had very little money, only earning enough to buy essentials, and not the gowns and jewels Mathilde craved. Mr. Loisel did his best to buy all the essentials, but never less, Mathilde remained unsatisfied.
Mathilde is a very ungrateful woman whose husband, clothes, and surroundings never meet up to her expectations. In the short story, it specifically stated that ‘The walls were dirty. The chairs were worn out. The curtains were ugly. All these things another young bride might not have minded at all. But not she!’ Mathilde was not grateful when her husband got an invitation to the ball. She started carrying on about how she couldn’t go because her dress wasn’t fancy enough for the ball, and how wearing flowers instead of jewels was for poor people. Mathilde did not thank her husband even once for the invitation or the money that he gave her to buy the gown. What Mathilde doesn’t understand is that there are many people worse off than her in the world, and she should feel lucky to have a place to live and a loving husband. Therefore, Mathilde is shallow as well.
Mathilde’s traits show the characteristics of being exceedingly shallow. An example of her materialistic obsession is when she complains to her husband about not having a jewel to wear to the ball. “No, I can’t wear flowers”, she sighed. “There is nothing worse than to look poor among other women who are rich.” Another example of Mathilde being shallow is declining the ball invitation because of not having a gown to wear. Mathilde doesn’t care about having fun, or enjoying herself, only about her appearance. All of these selfish actions and thoughts let us see how shallow Mathilde really is. Mathilde probably imagined wearing luxurious gowns and dazzling diamonds everyday.
The third character trait of Madame Mathilde Loisel is being imaginative. She is good at imagining grandeur furnishings and clothes. Mathilde is not satisfied with Mr. Loisel, and she dreams about what would have happened if she had married a richer and more powerful man. During long days, Mms. Loisel would doze off and dream of candlelight diners, large grand rooms, and servants. Instead off trying to improve her lifestyle, she spends her time imagining what could be, and IF. One of the scenes that she imagines is talking to her rich and powerful friends in huge rooms at five o’clock tea. Mathilde fantasizes and dreams so much that she never ends up trying to make those imaginary scenes come true. Thus, Mathilde has an overactive imagination, along with the character traits of being ungrateful and shallow.
In conclusion, Mathilde is an interesting charactor to analyze. I like Mathilde as a character, because we can’t all be perfect, and Mrs. Loisel is an example of this. She made a few mistakes and she tried to make up for them. This is what makes her such a fascinating character to study. Having the character traits of ungrateful, shallow, and imaginative, are only the outer layer of Mrs. Loisel. It would take years to fully understand this woman, because like all human beings, she is twisted and wound around the complexities of the human mind and actions.

Good analysis, however, just a few tiny things:
- Do not use 'I' in an essay. I'm not sure if it's different over there, but I was taught that essays are never meant to be personal. Whether you 'like' the character or not is irrelevant. You are to analyze them objectively.
- You repeat the word 'shallow' too many times in your essay. There are other ways to explain this. You can explain WHY she is shallow without using the word shallow. You could also try delving more into her character, perhaps the characters background. Why is that she expects so much, why does she fantasise so much, etc. Is she a exaggerated stereotype? Or is she a realistic example of woman today? Try and look into what the author what trying to do with her character.
- The opening paragraph could be a lot stronger. Like I said, this essay is not an opinion peice. What you think about the character doesn't matter.You need a strong beginning to keep your readers attention. Also, I'd get rid of the line 'he wrote about her as if she existed' or at least change it so it sounds a little clearer. Maybe it would be better to say 'The author presented a realistic view of women in those times' (I am unsure when this book is set) or something to that effect

However, well done for the most part. Let me know if you need anymore help. ^_^

Q: is human moral an instinct or an learned behavior?

Both. Morality is relative. Every single person has their own set of morals, which have been shaped by many things, their upbringing, life experiences, religious beliefs, etc. We are all however born with a sense of right and wrong. If not, then we would all go out murdering people. Even those who murder people know it's wrong to do it, even though they do it anyway. However, for an issue such as premarital sex, your views on this would be learned. No-one is born 'knowing' whether this is right or wrong. People form their own opinions on it as they grow up.

Q: Hi my parents found out I look at porn and they said they knew it was normal and stuff. Does this mean I should stop watching it?

Well, your parents are a hell of a lot more understanding than most parents. I'm sure that everyone has looked at porn at sometime in their lives. People who say otherwise are lying. Yes, it is 'normal' but that doesn't necessarily mean it's 'right' Porn can be quite an addictive thing. However, as long as you keep it in perspective, and you don't find yourself on a guilt trip everytime you look at it, I guess there's no reason for you to stop watching it. It's really up to how you personally feel about it. No-one can really tell you what to do. But at least your parents aren't mad at you for it.. many of them would be, I would imagine.