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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
It's seriously ridiculous. It's a child's play thing! Little girls receiving them don't give a shit about body type, they just see it as a fun, bright colored doll! When I was young I was obsessed with barbies, every time my mom took me to a store with a Barbie, I'd be arguing with her and wouldn't leave without one. I still love playing with them. When I was 7, my mom took me to New York City, and we went into this huge you store and I made my own and ran a barbie fashion show, and I'm not subconscious about my body. And for people who are it's not your childhood doll's fault. It could be peer pressure, you might be obese and insecure about it, or in extreme cases anorexic. Barbie dolls can't put you down or tell you what's perfect (they never did it in the movies and their personality is a good role model for girls), and they certainly can't make you insecure, they're freaking objects, not conscious humans! And there is a model who transformed herself into a Barbie. I personally think it looks a little creepy and fake, but if she thinks it's pretty, that's her decision, not yours. And she works hard for it. And I met her in real life and she is really spirited and nice so you shouldn't judge someone unless you've met them. Like I thought Terissa from house wives was a bitch, but my mom dragged me to some wine store so she could get her cook book signed, and she was nice! Same with big ang (I've met a lot of famous people).
The Answer
You know, a lot of things have bad mixed in with the good.
I don't think anyone would argue that playing with Barbies is going to hurt every little girl ever, or that Barbie is all evil, but there are some problems with Barbie, and the image she presents as ideal, beautiful or desirable. Dolls, and other images of human beings, are not just 'objects'. If objects didn't matter, children would play with balls of yarn and wooden twigs, not toys specially made to look like animals or people. These objects hold a whole lot of meaning.
You are naive if you don't think that the kinds of images that are shown to young children as being pretty or desirable don't affect them. We all internalize those message starting very, very young. It is those messages you get really young, from things like Barbies ridiculously impossible body, that make peer pressure when you are older work so well. Peer pressure and other body anxieties and stresses wouldn't be nearly so powerful if we weren't inundated by the images and messages of what out bodies are supposed to be like - even by our very first toys!
Sometimes people do say silly things, or get worked up on topics you might not feel are that important, but it's smart to take a moment and listen to their point of view. You might really like Barbie on a bunch of levels, but that doesn't mean Barbie is a perfect and that there are no problems with it or what it represents. A reasonable person should also be able to see that there are some real problems with the body image and stereotypes of beauty that toys like Barbie introduce and reinforce even on small children.
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The Question
hey how many tampons can you have in at once?
The Answer
One. Just one.
If you are having trouble with your tampon, you should try other brands or different absorbencies. Don't insert multiple ones. You run the risk of tearing the vaginal wall, causing irritation and even possibly infection.
Just use one tampon at a time. If the tampons you've got aren't working, try different ones.
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The Question
We have got problems, like obesity, and illegal immigrants are flooding in each day. But what about the diversity? I wake up every day knowing I am free. Make the ignorant jokes but 8 out of ten of the best schools in the world are in America. And it doesn't block people from it due to gender or race. We also have the best food in the world and it's dirt cheap, too. Less people suffer here, and make your selfish greedy jokes but it just shows you are a dumbass because in 2012 we donated 37 billion dollars to OTHER countries,and people on welfare here are doing great with it. So why do people hate us? America is the best in my opinion.
The Answer
Who hates America?
Not many people really. The American media sure loves to pay attention to anyone who they can accuse of hating America, but really, the vast majority of people on this planet don't spend a lick of their time thinking about the States at all. The places where there is wide-spread American hate tend to be places where Americans have a history of dropping a lot of bombs and/or propping up violent dictators. No matter the reason these things are done - even if they are done for necessary or well-intentioned reasons - that'll tend to piss people off. When it's your neighbourhood that is being blown up, you really don't care how good of a reason the guy doing the blowing up has.
If you'd like to know what a lot of people don't like America much, a large reason, is the smug, self-righteous attitude that refuses to acknowledge that many, many other countries provide the same freedoms (and in some cases, more freedoms and greater privacy and protection!) than America does. It's the insistence that "America is the best" when in fact, America is one of many countries where it's a great place to live for a lot people - but not necessarily for everyone.
When non-Americans think about America, which is far less than many Americans seem to believe it is, and get annoyed or make fun of America, it's largely because most other nations don't go around saying their country is the best and find it's a bit absurd that Americans keep on crowing about how awesome they are. Like an insecure teenager who doesn't know how to take pride in their accomplishments without acting like a complete asshole and screaming about how great they are all the time. Most other nations have a healthy pride in their culture, achievements and history, but since most other nations are smaller, and less self obsessed, they also recognize the global context they exist in and are forced to be respectful of one another and collaborate far more often.
America is powerful enough, and wealthy enough to afford being ignorant of the world it exists is, and many Americans choose that kind of ignorance, some even take pride is knowing as little as possible about things that aren't American enough for them. Is it so strange to you that other might find that irritating?
If you take some real time to recognize that over 1 billion people who are NOT Americans live in first world countries where they enjoy a similar, and sometimes higher, standard of living than the average American, you might begin to understand why Americans don't have the best reputation as global citizens.
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The Question
I'd like to move out of my parents house and move in a 1 bedroom apartment. This would be my first apartment. I saw some nice apartments that were 375-$435 for 1 bedroom
How much should I have saved up for bills & furniture cost?
The Answer
This depends entirely on where you live, and what you need.
You are best to make a budget.
You'll need to know what your one-off purchases are (like, a bed, or a sofa) and things like dishes, a broom, towels and baths mat. And you'll also need to know your ongoing costs like phone bill, utilities, rent, food, and even laundry. (When you are young and starting out, the expense of laundromats and household cleaning products can sneak up on you. I know I forgot laundry and toilette paper in the very first monthly budget I ever wrote.)
$374-$435 is dirt cheap for a one-bedroom. I'd strongly recommend that before you think about actually renting, or decide exactly how much you'll need to spend on a place, that you visit a few just for practice and to see what is out there. Sometimes a cheap place that looks great online, is actually a dangerous, difficult to access place to live. Or smells like cat piss. Or is covered in mold. Going online is not the best way to find out what an actually livable place will cost you. You have to get out there in the flesh to learn that.
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The Question
I am 16 I have known my mom has been selling prescription pain killers for sometime now. She says she is doing it for me but she seems to be doing it more for herself when she just bought herself a new car. I'm between a rock and a hard place reporting it though because my mom currently has cancer and found out I was planning on reporting her for it, she said go for it but its her word against mine and she says I have no evidence against her. Well she showed me where she hides them, I know where she goes to get them every month and the first name of the person she sells them too. So I need to know how should I word it to report it. If I should tell the DEA or crimestoppers or who. And what will happen to me and my dad since we have known about it for sometime, what will happen to my dad because I dont wanna live with him either, and if I can go live with my brother then since he's willing to take me in or if CPS will put me into a group home or foster home.
The Answer
If your brother and your mother agree, you can simply go live with him right now. That part, is that simple.
It's impossible to say exactly what would happen if CPS got involved. Their first choice would certainly be your Dad, but if that wasn't possible, there is no saying exactly where you might end up.
Rather than take the complex and difficult path of reporting your mother's crimes (which of course, she shouldn't be doing) you might take the simpler path of simply asking your brother if you can move in with him and letting your parents know that is what you'll be doing. So long as you are safe there with him, attending school, and your parents know where you are at, the police are actually unlikely to force you back home from an older siblings home.
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The Question
I sent a few nudes to a guy I met online and he's sent me money in return for them and now he's blackmailing me saying if I don't send him something else then he'll post all my pics on the internet.. Is there anything I can do to stop him? Can the police do anything?
The Answer
I wont go over what others have said (you absolutely should go to the police) but do want to correct some of the bad information you've been given.
What you described is a crime. Period. Always. End of story.
It doesn't matter that you accepted money for the images. That doesn't mean he owns them and can do whatever he wants with them. That is not how that works. Unless you explicitly sign away your rights - you still own those images and they cannot legally be shared publicly without your consent.
What he is doing is a crime. No question about it. Anyone who says otherwise is simply confused and incorrect.
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The Question
14 Male
Or. Lack there of as the case may be. I Have only noticed my lack of emotion very recently but looking back it must have been going on for months. Now there is emotion I'm not saying I'm completely devoid of this aspect of human existence but I only feel the strongest ones and they come down on me like a tonne of bricks.
The most clearest being Dread, and I don't feel it all the time it's not a constant sense of impending doom (a story for another time) but almost how an animal must feel when there is no way out but through. Like once I've done something wrong and have been caught out for example.
I know right from wrong but the emotions Tied to them (guilt etc.) seemed to have floated away.
An example I recently asked someone out and as they ummed and erred I didn't feel worried etc. I just stood and waited went through a text with out so much as a shrug, when he (oh yes there's more) started ignoring me? Nothing.
There are nuances I won't go through now you've read enough. Thanks for reading this much if you have any advice (save seek therapy etc.)
I would be thankfull.
Yours Faithfully
Someone needing "help."
The Answer
It's always tough to answer these questions, when the only real advice to give is the one thing they ask you not to say.
A therapist is going to be able to give you the best guidance and advice. We simply don't have the information or the skill to help much.
There are lots of reasons a person can experience emotional deadening or numbness - especially as a teenager. Sometimes, it's a normal and natural response to stress or difficult times in our lives, but that doesn't mean it is something you should ignore or live with - especially if it a change that came over you recently. If you realized you had slowly lost all feeling in your right arm over the last few months you'd see a doctor - right? The same principle applies here.
Please, speak to a therapist or counsellor. Of course you don't want one that is obsessed with applying a label to you - and most I've met don't operate that way - but you do want someone to talk to about these experiences.
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The Question
Should I let my wife have a threesome with another man
The Answer
Do you want to?
Does she want to?
Is this something you have discussed over a long period of time, and are both excited about?
There is inherently nothing wrong with a married couple engaging in group sex play if everyone involved is keen and happy about it.
But since you are asking the question here, on an anonymous advice site, with no details besides the basic sex act, you are probably not a married couple who has spoken deeply about this and made a decision you are both happy and secure with. So no. You and your wife should probably not have a threesome.
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The Question
My friend and i were just at the pool hanging out and these boys came up to us and started talking to us. We thought they were nice...but we thought wrong. They took us to the shallow end and started jumping on us and then they started touching us... IN THOSE PLACES!! We tried all we could to get away from them but we couldn't get away. Then they started doing that with us. we felt their you-know-whats on our frontal privates and our back privates. so basically what I'm trying to say is that they ra*** us. when they finally stopped, we got out of the pool and started crying. I need something to keep my mind off of wanting to beat the living hell out of all of them but nothing is working. Usually music and dancing is what gets my mind off of things, but not this time. Can you give me any songs or anything to do to not want to beat the living hell out of them and am able to go to the pool without remembering what happened?
The Answer
You need to talk to an adult.
The people who run the pool, need to know that this assault took place. They need to be able to be on the look out for these boys, in case they come back and try to abuse more girls.
That is the best thing you can do to make the pool a safe place to be for you and everyone else. This isn't the kind of thing you just have to keep your mind off of, this is something that MUST be addressed by the adults in charge of this space.
You don't have to just get over this and not think about it anymore. It was a crime and you should report it.
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The Question
I'm a 14 year old girl and there's a job that I want to have when I'm older and I don't know what it's called or if it's a real job at all. I've always had incredibly strong senses of empathy and sympathy so I'm always wanting to help people. The job I want is going around to different troubles countries and helping those who are starving and need medical help that they can't get in their countries. If obviously be putting myself in very dangerous positions sometimes but I'd rather die young changing the world than die of old age at home after a life of changing nothing. I'd also need to get some kind of doctoral training to get a ton of medical knowledge. Is this actually a career I can pursue?
The Answer
There are certainly programs and organizations that send doctors, dentists, optometrists and other medical professionals to countries in need.
But when you are picking what you want your professions to be you, you should first focus on what you are good at and enjoy learning. Becoming any sort of doctor means spending at least 8 years in post-secondary school. It doesn't matter what your end goal is, if you hate every second of your training and education, you probably aren't going to make it through.
It's great to know that you are passionate about helping people, but also focus on the day-to-day between then and now. That is what will help define the best path for you.
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The Question
My brother in law had a heart attack, we have been doing his share of the work in our business for nearly a year. He isnt well enough to probably ever work, but he wants his income to continue so he wants us to keep doing his work. He has been careless in every aspect of his life, has substantial debt, and lives a lifestyle that will eventually kill him. How do we shake him loose? My husband is exhausted from all the extra work, I am frustrated and want to leave, my son feels like a slave. All we do is fight over this, we need him to stop being a burden to us.
The Answer
Your best bet is to speak to a lawyer. Even if your brother in law is simply an employee of the business, it is likely best to get a professional opinion about your legal responsibilities at this point. If your brother in law is an owner in some way, then you definitely need legal advice.
No matter what you choose to do, either on your own or as a family, it will be difficult, but before you can even know exactly what your options are for addressing this you need to speak to a lawyer. Even the best path will probably take a while, but if you make a misstep, it could take even longer and be even more expensive and difficult for you.
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The Question
20/f
There was this guy in college that I confessed my feelings to. He was a bit startled by my confession but he said we could try dating after our exam term is over. After 2 months he hasn't sent me a single text. We live in different towns. It is clear to me that he doesn't like me. I'm incredibly mad that he wasn't honest. I told him that it's ok if he doesn't like me back,that I understand and we can still stay friends. In spite of that he insisted he likes me. And then he went without even acknowledging my existence. I have an exam in 2 days and he'll be there too. I hate liars from the bottom of my soul. I will have a hard time resisting my urge to rip him apart. Confronting him will not help because he just avoids the subject. So,how do you suggest I should act around him? I'm a medical student and I am here to help people,not hurt them. But I really have an urge to kick this guy's a**.
The Answer
You are over-reacting.
You are stressed, and hurt, and over-reacting.
You did a good, brave thing telling him the truth about your feelings - but just because he hasn't followed up yet doesn't mean he's a horrible human being and a liar. It just means he isn't as brave as you are.
He might have been perfectly honest with you at the time - but it doesn't mean it's that simple for him, or that his feelings have stayed the same, or that he isn't afraid or shy. You don't know him. You don't know his heart, and you don't know what shit is going down in his world. Have a bit more humility when passing judgement.
So check your wrath. He's proven he's imperfect - and probably not someone you really want to date - but not that he is an asshole or a monster. Stop jumping to the worst assumptions about your fellow human beings.
It's fine to be annoyed with him, but there is nothing you've said here that makes this degree of anger or kicking his ass, or even confronting him, a reasonable reaction. You are legitimately stressed out about your exams, don't let that stress turn you into an unforgiving jerk towards others. Ignore this guy. He probably just chickened out. Human beings do that. Someday you might end up doing it. It's annoying and disappointing, but it's not reason to behave with judgement or cruelty towards others.
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The Question
According to chain messages, I should've died millions of times, gotten injured, heard laughing in my bathroom, an old lady throw her 10 cats at me in my backyard, turkey shoved up my butt, world war 3 released on my chest, my kids killed (I don't have kids soooo), have a ghost girl screwing with me every night, have seen a little dead girl in my room twice, been thrown down a sewer, my mom dead (she's cooking dinner in the kitchen right now I'm 11), and a clown who turned into the devil because he had sex "eat your penus and your vagina 2! (Oh I knew I had a vagina but I didn't know I also have a penus! And if sex turns you into the devil we should have a lot of devils), and my computer should be on fire and other really weird and disturbing stuff. The chain letters I recieved were hilarious and not true. Seriously, some vortex enters my computer whenever I recieve some story made by a random troll that finds out my location at every second, knows about my emails and if I forward them in said time and if I don't that force will create said punishment to happen to me? Bull shit.
The Answer
If you are genuinely curious why these sorts of ideas are so catching, and make otherwise smart people believe stupid things, I'd definitely recommend the book Why People Believe Weird Things by Michael Shermer.
There are reasons that human beings are so prone to magical thinking like this. Personally, I think it's quite cool to look into why our brains behave a certain way. It can also help you spot the others ways in which your mind plays tricks on you - sometimes even for your own good!
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The Question
i have an addiction to porn...how do i quit
The Answer
You just do.
Porn is a behavoir, not a substance. It's can be a compulsion, but not a chemical addiction. You are in control of this behavoir. As difficult and challenging as it may be to change, you are in control.
There are tools available to restrict your own internet access to adult sites, and there are many online communities dedicated to helping people resist the urge.
It's difficult to give you more advice than that without knowing what the problem is exactly and what it is you want to do about it. So figure out what your personal goals are, and what behavoir you want to change, and then find the tools and resources that fit your goals.
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The Question
i finally got nomintated for the ice bucket challenge and the thing is I recently found out that als tests on animals. and i heard from someone i can do it for ccals.org which is compassionate care and they dont test on animals or anything. im really against testing on animals and i have a little over 12 hours to do my challenge. how can i word it to make others also aware that they are testing on animals and is ccals.org the actual other thing that will support the same cause just minus the testing on animals. any advice would be extremely greatful thankyou so much in advance to anyone who replies
The Answer
Karen has given your great, bang on advice, I'm going to second her very strongly.
If you, or anyone you love, has ever had a serious medical issue, like diabetes or cancer, then they have received medical care that was developed, tested and perfected on animals before it was ever used on humans.
I know many people will suggest that there is 'no need' to test on animals, and it is true that there is really no need or justification for testing commercial products like make up or snack food on animals. However, animal testing is still a vital part of the development of medication and other medical techniques and therapies.
If you have ever raised money for a Cancer run or charity then you have already given money to organizations that fund animal testing. Animal research was essential for the development of Herceptin and Tamoxifen - the two main drugs used today to treat breast cancer. Childhood Leukaemia used to be a death sentence. Thirty years ago survival rate was barely 5%. The therapy that was developed to treat this horrible form of cancer was tested on mice. Today, the survival rate for these children is nearly 80%. Even the VP of PETA, takes insulin to manage her diabetes, a drug that not only was developed through animal testing, but is also not vegan, as it contains animal products.
The choice is actually very real: We can test on animals, or we can let people suffer and die.
Finally, let me tell you a bit about the vets I have met who work in medical testing labs. These labs, often associated with universities or hospital, have full time vets on staff who work with these animals every day and who help make sure they never suffer unduly. In fact, many people allow their house pets to suffer far more - without care or euthanization - than would ever be acceptable in a lab environment. Not only do researchers have to submit a bunch of arguments and support for why, and how they will perform their animals studies ethically, these vets are the most passionate advocates for animals that I have ever met, and are often the ones who adopt or find homes for, the animals whose time in the lab is done - that's right - many animals actually survive and live happy lives after they are no longer useful for medical testing.
Frankly, a neurodegenerative disease like ALS, is just not going to cured without animal testing at this point in history. Even a hundred years from now, such a complex illness that attacks such a huge amount of the bodies systems, is still probably going to need to animal research and trials to develop any sort of treatment.
If you don't want to give your money to an organization that might give money to research using animals, that's fine, don't. But that isn't just the ALS Association, that is basically every reputable charity fighting any major illness.
If you want to support ccals.org, go ahead and do that, but remember they are not looking to cure or develop treatments or therapies for ALS. They are supporting families and the people are currently dying from it. When a new treatment or cure does exist - almost definitely one that will be developed with some animal testing - CCLS will not be opposing it. They will welcome it with open arms, and helping their clients access it.
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The Question
I have two teenage daughters who have been blessed with musical talent and beautiful singing voices.There is a talent show at our county fair every year and they want to participate. I am almost certain one of them would win or place as a runner up. Therein lies the problem! They have a close loving relationship but they are extremely competitive with each other when it comes to music. So far I have never allowed them to compete against each other because I am afraid this could create a permanent rift between them. I have tried to encourage them to sing together as a duet but they refuse. Should I allow them to compete individually and possibly damage their relationship for life?
The Answer
Honestly, not allowing them to compete against one another, while they are still under your roof and you can mediate and help them handle the fallout, will only delay any possible problems until they are older and you aren't around to influence how it gets handled.
Eventually, they will find themselves in competition, either with each other or with other people - including close friends. You aren't doing them any favours by not teaching them how to win, and loose, with grace and respect.
Take this as an opportunity to school them on respect. If they fail utterly, then denying them opportunities to compete makes some sense, but at least give them a chance to be successful - not just to be successful at the talent show, but successful at being fair competitors who treat one another with love and respect.
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The Question
High school girl, sophomore and I weigh 253lbs. I'm told all the time that I look far older than I am and that my weight balances out pretty well and that I don't look as big as I actually am. Gym class this last year was torture for me because most of the guys were making fun of me the whole period for being fat. I've been made fun of since kindergarten. No one's really ever liked me. I've been in a new school for two years now and no one here likes me too much. Most guys avoid talking to me at all costs. So I wanna hear it from the guys, does anyone even like big chicks??? In the last three years, I've gone from being outgoing and bubbly to being too afraid to walk to the other end of the cafeteria just to dump my freaking tray because I'm paranoid and feel like everyone is watching me. Just wondering. Thanks in advance!
The Answer
Do normal, not-creepy guys even like fat chicks?
Yes.
Do normal, not-creepy guys like fat chicks while they are in high school?
Probably not.
There are guys who are particularly into larger girls. However, most of them aren't able to admit that, or act on in, when they are younger. Guys get a lot of pressure to date the 'right kind of girl' and a lot of bullshit if they don't.
Most guys can't get past that in high school or even in college.
So yes, it's very possible in the world, but very unlikely that guys who particularity prefer larger girls, will act on that while they are still in school and feeling all those peer and social pressures.
It sucks, but I'm trying to just tell you the truth. Being a bigger girl is hard, but it's way harder in high school than pretty much at any other point in your life. Don't think just because all the boys you met now are cowards and/or bullies means they are always will be - or that it's about you.
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The Question
Hello Advicenators,
My father told me to start translating a book, so I started translating it about 3 days ago. Its a self help book, anyways, today he tells me that he plans to publish my translation and sell it as a book. I was thinking more along the lines of uploading the translated self help book online on scribd and torrent websites so that people could download it for free. Who has better karma in this case? me who wants to give away the translated self help book for free or my father Who in this case came up with the idea to translate the selfhelp book however he would like to sell it at a price?
I would appreciate some advice.
thanks
The Answer
You are both wrong. The person who originally wrote the book, has the ALL of rights to the work. Just because you translate something doesn't make it yours.
You cannot translate their work, and then sell it or give it away, without getting the permission of the person who holds the copyright for the original work - likely that is the original author. Only a very few, older books, are in the public domain. A more recent self-help book is almost certainly under copyright.
Neither of you have any right to share this work in any way, unless you have received permission form the original author, or the person currently holding the rights to the book, such as an estate or a publisher. If you publish someone else's work, without their permission, even in another language, you are committing copyright infringement and theft.
I don't know much about karma, but I'm pretty sure theft is not okay.
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The Question
I just love being alone. It's really hard for me to find people I like. And even if I do like them, I still don't want to be around them for longer than maybe half an hour. And if I could choose, I wouldn't be around them at all. It takes up so much energy to be outside and around people.
But I'm not really unhappy. The only person I feel really comfortable being around is my boyfriend. But I think that has to do with the fact that he too, is a quiet person and he just understands me in every way.
The thing is that I have to be around people every day so how can I relax more and be less annoyed or stressed out by it? I'm not really afraid of them, I just get really stressed. I don't think that I have a "disorder". I think that it's perfectly fine to like being alone. The only reason it's a problem for me, is that I have to be around people, because society makes me. I'm a student so I have no choice. And it's really making me tired throughout the day. When I get home I just want to sleep because I feel so tired but I can't because I have to study.
So I need a few tipps. :(
The Answer
You don't necessarily need to think of this as a disorder, but if you have a great deal of anxiety and exhaustion after normal interactions with fellow students, or coworkers, or other family members, that is the sort of thing a therapist can help you get comfortable and gain skills at.
Some of us - myself and my partner included - really do need alone time to keep ourselves sane and to recharge. That is fine, but it's not fine to suffering or to be unable to deal with the perfectly reasonable human interactions that our society is fundamentally based on. That's not how 'society works. That is how 'being alive works'. It requires us to engage with one another in peaceful and friendly ways. Even wolves in packs and birds in flocks have to do that. Human beings cannot live entirely as islands.
If you are struggling with normal, day-to-day tasks of interacting, that is a problem. If are exhausted to a degree that you can't function once you get your alone time, that is a problem. That's not 'just introversion' or 'just your personal preference'. That is a social anxiety disorder or another similar issue. You may not be nearly so far gone as you think a 'disorder' would be, but you are certainly well on your way when you are having that degree of difficulty.
As I said, there are techniques and skills that you can learn to make yourself calmer and to build up your capacity for interacting with others, but there isn't one solution that works for every person. It's very personal. It's about figuring out ways to take care of yourself and ways to manage your anxiety and energy. A therapist or counsellor is the best person to help you select the solutions that will work for you. It might take some looking, but I'm sure you can find someone who will work on those solutions with you without worrying too much about the labels.
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The Question
My sister got married recently and she and her husband have very different feelings about dogs. Our family has always had dogs. We love them and my sister can't imagine her children not having one. Her husband however doesn't like dogs. He had one when he was a kid, but has stated numerous times that he's not a dog person.
They've agreed to get a border collie, but her husband is insisting that the dog will stay at their ranch house and they will visit it only on occasion to make sure it has enough food and water. This is a very stupid idea. We had a border collie when we were young and he was incredibly friendly and energetic. Those dogs are known for being that way. If they got one and left it by itself all of the time with no one to play with and nowhere to run around. It'd be miserable and we would probably run away. This sounds mean but I'd hope it would run away and find a family that would love it and give it the attention it deserves.
I know my sister wants a dog and I want her and my nieces and nephews to have one to, but not of its going to be locked up all alone in a barn all of the time. Especially if it's a border collie or other friendly, energetic dog. I know whatever they do is out of my control, but is there any advice I can give them for the dog's sake?
The Answer
Just tell her exactly what you told us.
You would love for to her have a dog, but she should know better than to force a dog to live in those circumstances. If the dog is treated like a rejected, wild animal - it'll likely behave that way. If it is denied the comforts of a family and pack, and the mental and physical stimulation it needs, it wont know how to be good and gentle around people. She'll ruin the dog and end up with an out-of-control beast locked in a barn.
It also isn't particularly safe to leave a domesticated pet alone in a barn all day. Think of the financial cost, as well as the trauma to the family, if the dog gets hurt.
If her husband cannot deal with a dog in an appropriate, respectful way, then the dog can't be there. She wouldn't have agreed to have children with him if he thought he could lock them up in the barn would she? Of course not. She knows this isn't okay. As her sister, don't talk down to her, but remind her of what she already knows.
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