askspacefem
advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: what does it mean when your with someone boyfriend/girlfriend wise and you feel completely safe like nothing can hurt you. you get major butterflys in your stomoch and feel all nervous around them. you think about them alot and when you kiss them it puts the biggest smile on your face. you want to see them all the time and it makes you sad when you cant. what does this mean? does this mean im in love? do i love them? i know i love this feeling but i dont know. is this what in love feels like?
That's infatuation, not love. Love is more settled, and when you love someone you're not always sad when you're not around them, and you're not nervous. It's more like comfortable amazement.

Q: Alright well on myspace, you know how whenever you choose a song you want for your profile, it plays on a little box underneath your contact table that shows the name of the artist and song title and everything?

Well I've noticed on some people's pages, they've gotten rid of that, yet the song still plays, and there's no other kinds of boxes or anythign that play the song. It just plays out of nowhere. Sorry if it's hard to understand, I'm not that good at describing things.


But if you understand what I mean, do you know the code for this?
It's a really bad idea to play songs on web pages without giving people any way to turn them off. I like to listen to my own music on my computer, and if I accidently click on a myspace page that's playing music that screws with mine, I leave, FAST. don't do it!

Q: Does anyone know who's in the new band other than Billy and Jimmy?I've heard a mixture of things about D'arcy and James being in,but I can't find out for sure.

Thanks.
Just Billy and Jimmy. I mean seriously, D'arcy is way too cool to ever do anything with Billy Corgan again, and James is probably too smart. Jimmy's heroin adventures probably killed enough of his brain that he's willing to get back in the band so Billy can call himself a "smashing pumpkin" again, since that's the only place he really had success. And THAT is spacefem's guide to the pumpkins comeback. Go get Gish, fans, the only thing I'm confident about is that this new album will be every bit as overproduced as machina II.

Q: i know this is kind of gross but im sure some girls do it. Is it normal do have sex while your on your period? I know its okay when your pregnant but what about while on your period?
It's polite to mention that you're on the period to the guy you're about to have sex with, but after that, it's fine to have sex. If you're wearing a tampon be sure to remove it. It might help to put a towel down, too.

Q: I applied at Victoria's Secret and they called me and told me to dress up in black pants, bring 2 forms of ID, and come in for orientation this weekend. They didn't mention anything about an interview. Does that mean I won't be having one and I'm already hired? I thought orientation came after your interview and after you're hired. Also, any idea how much they pay? Any input would be great. Thanks in advance!
wtf? that sounds weird. call them, and ask if there's been a mistake because you were invited to orientation without ever being offered an actual job. If they say you've got it, ask them how long orientation is and whether you'll be paid.

Q: On an MP3 player how many songs will 2gb play?
I just created a random 2gb playlist in my itunes and it was 466 songs, or 1 day, 4 hours and 23 minutes worth of music. I'd say 2gb is a pretty good size for an mp3 player.

Q: Hi.
I'm way younger then my 24 year old boyfriend.

I hate that he smokes weed. He does this rarely, like once a month. He knows I hate it and it's a serious thing in our relationship because if he doesn't stop I'll have to end it. I hate worrying about what he's doing when he goes out with his friends and it's because I can't join him since I can't go to bars and stuff because of my age.

The reason, this time that I'm SO mad. Is because on Friday he went out with a group of friends. These friends constantly drink & constantly do drugs together. I asked him on the phone if he had gotten high and he said no, and he promised. My boyfriend NEVER lies, so I was stupid enough to believe him.

A few days later I had gotten a message on myspace that was from his friend. The message said, "Your boyfriend got baked on brownies the other night." Which basically means he got high. After asking him what this meant and if he really did it, he lied again and finally told me the truth after nagging him for like an hour.

He told all of his friends on Friday about how I cause a lot of trouble in his life and he wanted to be happy again by smoking weed. Everytime I bring up that I want him to stop smoking weed, he'll argue until I have nothing else to say. What are reasons that he should stop? Because the reasons I come up with OBVIOUSLY don't matter.

BTW, he's 24 years old, and he just recently got his first job because of me. Before that he was a waster living off of his dads money and playing video games all day. I don't want him to turn into what he used to be.

Please help & thank you.
Just the fact that he's 24 and dating a teenager is a big red flag in my view.

He's not a good boyfriend. Break up with him. Now. It doesn't matter what he wants to do or what you nag him to do, he's *the kind of guy who smokes weed, lies to his girlfriend, bad mouths you to his friends, and lives with his dad*. That type of guy is not one you date. He didn't used to be that, he IS that, and he's taking advantage of you. You shouldn't have even started dating him.

Q: I need this math software called "Maple 10". Not the maple story. I need it for school but I can't get it unless I purchase it. Does anyone know of anywhere where I can download it for free?

Thanks in advance
Maple is a pretty typical software package for both academic and commercial applications that have to do with math. It's not free, and you shouldn't try to download it for free, that's illegal. Your school should have computer labs with Maple installed for you to use on assignments... talk with your teacher about how to get access to those resources.

Q: I have a dance competion around the time I will be getting my period and I need to know how to put tampons in.

I have the cardboard kind. So please don't say to get the plastic ones because I already have two boxes of the cardboard ones.

I tried but it kind of hurt. I know I was putting it in the right place though.

PLEASE HELP!


You need to try a different kind! I know you've got two boxes of one kind, and they might work for you, just not to start off. Just because you bought one kind doesn't mean you have to make it work... go back out, get some slimfits, and when you're used to those try the cardboard ones. The ones you have... are they at least regular absorbancy? Because if they're "super", it's hopeless, you shouldn't start out with that kind at all.

Q: I like this guy but I have heard that he may be gay is there any way of telling ?
please give me some answers
if you see him having sex with a man, he's probably gay.

there's no other sure way to tell, seriously, get to know him better until you feel comfortable enough to ask him. if he turns out to be gay, then great, you've got a gay friend, they're awesome anyway.

Q: I have been with my boyfriend, Derek for about, 8 months now. In the beginning, I was truly happy with him. We would spend time together every single weekend. Then, I started missing hanging out with my friends. So, I started hanging out with my friends with Derek there too. It was good until I started getting annoyed at the fact that Derek was so clingy and how we hung out every single weekend. I love him very much but he seems to not give me space. I've talked to him about it but it doesn't seem to get through his head. I want to break up with him but yet, I don't. I have these weird feelings right now and I don't know what to do. Half of me says I want to be single and the other half KNOWS I cannot live without him. HELP! :(
You can live without him. Seriously.

Next weekend, tell him you're busy and stick to it! if he calls, don't answer. if he comes by your house, tell him you're on the way out. Get together with other friends, and if they're busy, tell him you've got to study or get a project done. Regardless of whether you're meant to be with this guy you've got to have your own independent life and train him to give you the space you need. And if he can't learn that, he's wrong for you, break up with him, it'll be okay.

Q: 15/f

Hello, recently I have had major problems with my friends and I have really only been hanging out with my mom. We have fun and all, but is this healthy? She seems to be the only person I can count on who actually likes me for who I am.

Thanks! =)
I think it sounds great that you can talk with your mom. It's not like you hate kids your own age, right? Keep giving them a chance but don't worry if you don't get along with them.

A lot of 15 year olds have NO friends, not even their moms, teenage years are just horrid like that.

Q: How do you know if you and your mate are ready to have kids but still have issues with how you want to raise them? We both want them, but what do you do when you cannot agree about certain issues. Our prob right now is how will we raise our kids relegiously? We both grew up in two different Christian churches and don't agree with things in both parties? I do not know what to do about this. I have tried talking to my husband about this, but we cannot agree. He does not agree with finding a church for "us". I need advice about this suject from someone other than my family or his. Has anyone went through this? Please help!
You shouldn't have gotten married without talking and agreeing on this issue beforehand, but now that you're here, you need to find a church for you. Visit different churches. Talk to him about what's important for him in a church. Decide things that you can't accept in a church, and tell him about that list. For example, I know there are churches that think only their denomination is going to heaven, and I can't accept that, I won't go to a church that believes that. I also won't attend a church that mistreats minorities, treats women like second class citizens, or doesn't offer sunday school for kids. There are a million little things you can look at with churches but focus on the important ones. Then ask him to list the same things. Don't say, "It has to be lutheran!" or anything like that, really write down your most important spiritual beliefs, then find a church that meets those. Then think about kids. Do not even think about having kids unless you can agree on a church.

Q: I grew up in an Episcopal Church and my husband of almost 2 years grew up in Church of Christ. We are both Christians, but why does there have to be many forms of baptism? I was poured upon as a small child and my husband was emerged when he was a young teenager. He accepts my beliefs but does not accept the way I was baptized. This is a big issue for me. Why would I want to be married to a man that does not accept fully me? Why would I want my children to grow up(when or if we have any) questioning me, "mommy why weren't you baptized?" Does this make sense to anyone? Has anyone went through this to know what I am talking about? If so, please give me advice or a way to show my husband that either way can be right.
Thanks!
I think your husband is pretty close minded. God cares what's in your heart, not what you do at church. Being baptized doesn't save you, it's a ritual, a motion, a physical thing. Sure, these things can by symbolic and bring us closer to God, but they're not what really matters in the long one. You should ask him the point of baptism and why it matters so much... in my church, it's basically a naming ceremony where the people around you promise to help you follow God, and it can be done to infants or adults, it doesn't matter. Later on when you make a conscious decision to join the church and follow God that's called Confirmation, and some churches think that's when baptism should happen but seriously, who cares? We're talking about logistics.

So ask your husband why this is such a big deal. If he's got a good argument and you agree with him, get baptized! Or sit down with your pastor and ask him to help you work it out. Either way, don't let him refuse to accept you or say you're not as good a Christian because of the baptism issue, it's not the most important thing.

Q: If I delete Internet Explorer 7 [mainly because I think its crap..], and only use Firefox as my main internet browser, is that okay? I was about to uninstall IE yesterday, but I wasn't sure because it said 'Firefox may rely on Internet Explorer' blah blah blah. Will I still be able to uninstall it without any problems?
The only way to really uninstall internet explorer is to run linux. Hope I helped!

Q: I became a Christian two years ago, but I was baptized Catholic as an infant. I really get into the Christian faith more than the Catholic faith.

However I also heard that Catholic is very similar to Christian, except that Christian is more of a general faith than Catholic? I really don't know.. I mean I would hate to leave the Catholic faith. I am asking what is the difference between being Catholic and Christian? Would it matter if I was baptized Catholic and being more Christian? What am I supposed to do??

Thanks
It really doesn't matter. People make mountains out of molehills when it comes to this subject.

A long time ago the catholic church was the only one. The belief was that it was God's church, and there should be only one. Eventually, some people thought they should be able to question the church, take more personal responsibility for salvation, that sort of thing, and those people ended up splitting off and starting their own churches.

Baptism of infants is just a family's way of telling God, "here's our baby, we're going to do our best to raise it like you'd want us to." It doesn't mean anything about your personal decision to follow God, that has to come later.

Don't let people tell you that you're wrong or less Christian because you're not a baptist, or not a lutheran, or not a catholic, or whatever. They don't know what's in your heart. The important think is that you know, and you find a church that agrees with it. Visit different ones. Find one where the church leaders discuss issues that are important to you, where there are helpful classes, where you make friends. Read your Bible, read some other books, the decide what's right. Don't let people on this website tell you.

Q: Say your spouse dies and goes to "Heaven". You learn to cope and marry again. Then you and your new spouse somehow die (whomever first, it doesn't matter), but you both go to "Heaven". Now you're there with two martial partners. How is your time divided? Or how does that work? Can you love them both? Can you "be with" them both? Will they know of each other's existence?

There obviously isn't a right or wrong answer, so all opinions welcome and appreciated.
Marriage is an earthly thing. We're made to want to be married, for companionship, to have kids, whatever, but none of those reasons exist in heaven. It's a place of love, where you're surrounded by the love of God and everyone else, and the love of a spouse isn't even noticable when compared to the love of God. It's tough to think that something that mattered so much here on earth won't be a big deal in heaven, and of course your ability to love on earth shapes your beginnings in heaven, but it's not about who you're with there.

Q: 16/f
1) is it true that when you have sex for the 1st time, you often miss your period?
2) how long into pregnancy is it when you have to pee every half hour?
3) how long could a "fake pregnancy" last? and how could you stop it?
4) i also feel funny when i pee, almost like it hurts.. is that normal for pregnancy?
I hate when people use one question to ask four different ones, but I'll answer some of these.

Having sex doesn't affect your menstrual cycle, but stress certainly can, so if you're stressed about the fact that you had sex that's the only thing that'll make you miss a period. It's not a biological thing. If you think you're pregnant you should take a pregnancy test. That's the only way to tell... you can't tell by how often you have to pee, how you "feel", or what anyone on the internet tells you.

Q: My boyfriend knows that I HATE when he drinks. My mom used to be an abusive alcoholic. So he understands.

I`m spending New Years with him, and a bunch of his friends are over & their playing video games. I was taking a shower, and when I got downstairs I was in the kitchen and I overheard his room mate say, "Go get a beer!" & My boyfriend was like, "Well, you know... I just can't. The girlfriend!" So now I`m mad because I`m sitting upstairs in his room being bored while everyone else is downstairs enjoying themselves. I don`t want to be around a drunk & I hate it. I just don`t fit in either. I`m 16 & my boyfriend is 22. =[ Not a good combo. Is it okay that I`m mad though?

Thanks a bunch.
First, you're not old enough to be dating a 22 year old. That's too much of an age divide... any 22 year old who'd date someone who's 16 is behind, somewhere. Sorry to say it but it's true.

Second, no matter how much you hate alcohol you're going to have to learn to get along in a culture where it's at every party. You can't avoid being around people who drink. Yes, sometimes people will get too drunk and lose control and it's a good idea to leave, but there are also millions of people who enjoy drinking responsibly in social situations and they're not bad, and you shouldn't avoid being around them. You can't be antisocial because alcohol isn't for you, go hang out and quit being bored and don't think about it so much!

Q: Hi-
I am a 30 yr old professional female, looking for advice. I slept with my friend's ex-crush several months ago. I am single, as is he. She is now married (for over 2 years) to a wonderful man and pregnant with their first child. She NEVER had a relationship with this man, but had a massive crush on him through high school and college. She is very happy in her marriage. She and I are not as close friends as we once were, but live in the same area and see each other here and there. This man's name comes up in conversation and I feel dishonest by not telling her the truth about what happened between us. It was just a one-night thing and I don't want to be selfish and tell her just to make myself feel better. However, she and I were such close friends and I feel like I am omitting something huge from mention by not telling her I slept with this guy. Plus if she finds out from someone else in the future (not me) it would be even worse (though this is not a likely scenario). Please help!! Thanks.
No, you should not tell her. There's just no reason she needs to know... it was a one night thing, there's no relationship there, she's not having a relationship with this man (even if you think she wants to, she's not, there's a big difference). If you slept with him last night and were asking this question, you'd probably have more poeple say to tell her (I mean, because she's interested in how your weekend went, not because she needs to know who you're sleeping with). But now that months have gone by the fact that you haven't told her is a sign that it's not important or necessary. And besides, he might not want her to know, and in that case you REALLY shouldn't tell her because he deserves privacy about his sex life just like you do.

bio
spacefem
I've been in the advice column over five years now so I think I've pretty much heard it all... the love, the hate, the random insanity. I don't take it too seriously, so I'm not always giving the best advice, but my column is fun to read!

I am a 23 year old electrical engineer, a feminist, a Christian. I don't know everything but I can sure pretend to.

Disclaimer: Now that I'm on advicenators I'm getting even more questions every day. It's fast and easy for me to answer them, yes, so at least I'm answering something now, but if your question contains the words "there's this guy that I like..." chances are I won't get around to it. I'm only answering interesting questions that I haven't answered before. Register at the site and ask everyone for advice if you must have an answer, because if people read my column and boring love advice was all they found, they'd never come back.

Info
Website:
E-mail:
Gender:
Female

Location:
Kansas, USA

Occupation:
engineer

Age:
27

ICQ:
AIM:
Yahoo:
Member Since:
September 8, 2003

Answers:
531

Last Update:
April 17, 2015

Visitors:
129518

Main Categories:





Favorite Columnists






layout by Adam Particka

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>

eXTReMe Tracker