about

Please note that at this time, I am not accepting questoins. I am having serious doubts about the amount of time and patience that this site requires of me, as well as how I fit into its structure. Becuase of that, I will not be checking advicenators for a while, and thus WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS. Here's my intact profile, however, in case I come back.



Welcome to my humble abode... or something.

My name is Brie, but you can just call me Wily (no, that's not my real last name). I'm an eighteen year old from rural Mid-Michigan (think Saginaw or Bay City, only surrounded by miles and miles of trees, corn, and sugar beets).

I'm an honor student, sort of. Not to brag, but I was Salutatorian of my high school class. I specialize in English, educational topics, and social studies, but I'm good with basic sciences and drama too.

I'm a big geek; I like to write and play RPGs, and my favorite video games ever are the Pokemon series. I'm actually a relatively well-known Pokemon master (I've moderated the forums of two bigger Pokemon fansites, and have been an on and off admin at one), and at the two sites where I became relatively popular I aquired the reputation of "The Pokemon Professor." However, that doesn't do me much good here, becuase who is going to ask about Pokemon on an advice site?

I don't have much experience with relationships but I have a natural nack for giving advice about them. I also don't know anything firsthand about things that we do not mention in polite company, but I know a lot about the science and psychology of them, so I'd be glad to answer safety-based questions--just don't ask me about technique, becuase I know nothing. I'll try to answer anything you throw at me, and many things that you don't, though, so feel free to try me.

Be warned though, I'm not afraid to tell it like it is. There are stupid questions, and if yours is one I will respectfully tell you so, and attempt to give you the information you need anyway. If you need to buck up and accept what's happening, I will say so. However, in this column I try to maintain a standard of respect, kindness, and helpfulness; you will not be flamed here. Unless you're a babyeater or something.

So, drop me a line, and I'll do what I can. Live long and prosper!



Requirements

Now, I know this is gonna kinda look stupid, what with this being an advice site at all, but I have a few simple requests for you.



If you do not follow these guidelines, I may not answer your quesiton. I will not say that I won't, because with some questions you don't need to say some of these things, and with some of these guidelines, you can't do anything until I've answered. But please make my life easier. That's what I'm trying to do for yours.

advice

Kay well there is this guy.. and we went out for 4 dasy then he COMPLETELY broek my heart.. when he broke up w. me for my BFF and then she was all like chicks b4 dicks.. and I thank ehr fr that! but then she got mad at me for something.. and then went out w. him for pay back.. they broke up in like 2 days and then he started liking me again (thankfully) but i said if you really love me wait until the next day and ask me.. and he did but he didn't like me anymore.. then almost 3 or 4 months later we started talking again me and him (oh and about January me and mah friend started talking again and everything is cool now) and like he and I always play question games.. and he alwasy says that he loves me and everything and like he always jokes around w. me.. and then my friend and him started talking again also.. and they are going out.. btu she cheated on him Friday night.. and they broke up (I think) and trhough all of this I haev always still liked him.. when he and her started going out.. I said.. I thought you didn't like her (becasue that what he said) and he goes well everything I said to you was just a joke.. and I was like WHOAAA! and now he is starting to talk again to me like he did before.. and I have NO IDEA what to do.. HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! pleaseee!



Oh yeah and this was from about late November to Now!

Two age-old adages come into play here:

"With friends like that, who needs enemies."

and

"Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me."

The boy is playing games with you and your friend. He may not realize it consciously, but he is. And your friend? Is not the most loyal friend in the world.

But that fact is that you both have been tricked by this boy... that is unnacceptable. You need to cut yourself off from him. You can't seem to resist his sweet talking, so don't let him talk to you. Block him on IMs and stop talking to him at school. He's just playing you, and the last thing you need at your age is to be played like that. Also, if you had sex with him, I'd advise getting tested for STDs. Just in case.

As for your friend, I'd recommend keeping her at an arm's length. It's fine to talk to her and hang out with her still, but she's obviously proven herself unworthy of trust. That's just fine; all through your life you will deal with people you can't trust that you can't get away from either. You just have to avoid putting them in situations where you depend on them to keep secrets or do things for you.

But keep away from that boy. He's nothing but trouble.

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okay there is this guy i like but he is in 11th grade and im in 9th and he sits at my lunch table n all of a sudden like a few months ago he just stated to sit next to me and stuff and flirt kinda and ive had ppl at my table come up 2 me and say i think you 2 should go out. But hes also a big partier if u kno what i mean n ive heard stories about him that arnt too good like hes always partying n stuff like that. And i know that he used to smoke but he swears he hasnt for like 6 months and says that he is quitting so thats good i guess... right? but he rly is a nice kid dont get me wrong there and plus hes madd funny. and i had a friend ask him who he liked and he said no1 at our lunch table right now but possibly in the future. And im rly confused... should i like this kid?

Frankly, it seems to me that you already like this kid, and liking someone isn't something you can help. The question should be whether you should date him, and at this point I would say no.

This will fly in the face of most of the answers that I give; I usually advise people to follow their hearts. However, teenage males are a totally different animal. Most of them are decent human beings, but the ones who are dangerous are usually just as popular as the nice ones.

I don't think you should date him becuase I know the type. The funny, intelligent partier. In fact, I very recently fell for said type. The guy in question sounds a lot like the guy I had feelings for, only younger. But that stereotype of guy is often after one thing.

Think for a moment. Is this guy you're interested in the kind of guy who would take a girl on a date to the local strip club on Two-for-Tuesdays? Is this the kind of guy who desperately and fruitlessly lusts after girls his own age, and is rejected at every turn, or teased and used for social status without actually being dated? Is this the kind of guy whose popularity with the student body as a whole is great, but is viewed as undateable? If so, you should keep your distance.

Otherwise, however, I guess it'd be okay to pursue something. Don't be afraid to make the first move, but don't be careless when you do. If somehow you and he start dating, don't date him alone for a long, long time. If you're underage in your state, frequently remind him of that. And don't go anywhere alone with him. Don't be in a car with him, ever, and don't go on anything but double or group dates... and always make sure those double or group dates include at least one girl you trust, and a public place to date. School events are very good for that reason, but make sure that he doesn't show up drunk--even if you're clean as a whistle, if he is, and you show up with him, you could spend the evening in the comfort of a police car while they questoin everyone else (happened to a friend of mine who was designated driver, actually...)

It's okay to follow your heart, but make sure to use your head too... And beware of desperate older guys. They can be embarassing, if not dangerous.

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I have very pale, sensitive skin and I burn easily. I have never properly tanned in my life and this year I want to get a tan. I have to use a high SPF sunblock or I will burn. What is the best way to go about getting a natural tan with my skin type? I don't want to use sunbeds or fake tan.

With your skin type, you can't really get a natural tan. You just burn. And unfortunately, there isn't really any way to change that. Sunbeds and fake tanners are your only option.

You can get a little color naturally, but I don't recommend it. If you do, use a high SPF sunblock, and reapply frequently. You should tan through it slightly--not a real tan, but a little darkening. And that's all you can get without using unnatural methods. I'm sorry, but there's nothing else you can do.

No matter what you do, if you're fair-skinned, you need to be carefeul about sunburns and sun exposure. Fair-skinned people have a lot of trouble with skin cancer. I know this for a fact; two members of my very immediate family have gotten melanoma, one of them when she was only 40. Those of us who are of fairer complexion, or have parents and grandparents who are, really need to be careful. You should wear sunblock all the time, even in the winter, and try to keep yoru skin covered in the sun. Ultimately, in the long run, your life is more important than your tan. Please keep that in mind.

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My friend made a Flash movie and I am doing the voice acting for one of the characters. The character has one line, which has to be said very quickly, loudly and forcefully. Every time I say this line into my microphone and listen to it there is a little static "explosion" on the hard consonants. Short of getting a new microphone, what can I do to lessen this?

Have you tried holding the microphone slightly to the side? If you hold it out of the path of your mouth, over by your cheek but still close to your mouth, it might reduce or eliminate that loud sound.

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Since I was five and up until I was ten, there was a man that used to abuse me and my bedridden mother. Finally when I was ten years old, my mother kicked him out. A few years after that, I was taken out of my mother's house, and am now living with my 30 year old sister, and her fiance. Anyway, off of the background. a couple years ago, I had a dream that I would run into the abuser guy, and then I did! Nothing bad happened to me that time, but now I'm having nightmares about him again! I'm afraid, because the nightmares are worse than last time, and I'm afraid something really bad might happen. What should I do??? I know dreams don't always mean something, but it's been happening for three nights now. I'm really frightened. :O

Matters like this one are not always easy to address. Becuase of the mysterious, bizarre nature of dreams, you can't always logically deduce what they mean or what to do about them. Some people believe that dreams mean nothing, others that beleive they are reflections of our thoughts and feelings, and some still who think that dreams can warn of the future.

Regardless of which is true, it may be helpful to you to treat this situation as if all three are accurate.

Firstly, treat the dreams as if it means nothing. Okay, not quite. Make sure you don't give it more weight than it deserves. It has obviously brought to your mind memories of this man... Have you considered bringing criminal charges against him? I'm sure if he were locked up for what he did you'd rest easier.

Now, treat the dreams as if they are reflections of your thoughts and feelings. Why are you dreaming about him? Ask yourself that. Do you feel anger and resement toward him over what he did to you? Do you feel unsafe? Are you worried that someone else might be after you, and are using him to represent them?

Others have suggested seeking out a priest or counselor to talk to. I think that would be a great idea, although with my more secular leanings I'm inclined to suggest the counselor over the priest. I would guess that, no matter what the dreams actually mean, that you have pent up issues over this. You need to get them out, or at least talk about them. At the very least, you'll feel better afterward.

Also, there are some things you could try for dealing with the nightmare themselves. If you become lucid during the nightmare (that is, realize you're dreaming) confront him in the dream. You might also want to try talking the individual dreams out with people, writing endings to them, drawing scenes. Start keeping a log and watch for patterns.

Lastly, there's the possibility that this dream might be prophetic. Whether you beleive in psychic powers or the capacity of the subconscious mind to interpret and predict events, you seem to beleive that dreams have some clairvoyant qualities. I beleive that dreams can predict the future; however, I rarely believe that the events they indicate are as dramatic and painful as the dreams themselves.

The important thing here is your safety, both physical and emotional. You will feel happier if you take steps to ensure your physical safety from this man, and that of your family. Check your house for problems, and maybe consider taking self-defense classes. Don't go to places alone unless they're very public and visual, and vary your routine--don't always come and leave at the same time. Whether or not the dream means anything, whether or not he or anyone else attacks you, this will still help you to feel better. Voice your concerns to your family, too, even if they're unsupportive of your intuition.

Reglardless of what other columnists say, it is important that you heed your intuition. The human mind is a powerful thing, and is capable of weaving all sorts of things together without fully cosncious thought. Logic may abandon you in dangerous situations, but intuition is as in grained in you as walking, if not moreso. Trust your intuition, use your brain, and don't worry so much. Those three things are the key to having things work out.

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I know having bulimia,anorixia or anything like that isnt pleasing to God...but is it considered a sin?

That's something you have to answer for yourself, I guess. Personally, I don't think so; it's a disease. I do think it's a sin not to do anything about it, but we sin every day, and God still loves us and forgives us.

But whether it's a sin or not doesn't matter. Bulimia and Anorexia are diseases; they're mental illnesses that need to be treated so that you don't kill yourself. The only thing you should worry about right now is getting treated, if it's you, or getting your friend treated, if it's not you. Pray for them, or for yourself. Confess, if you're of that persuasion, or convince them to confess if they feel it's a sin. Whatever, just GET TREATMENT.

It doesn't matter so much that we sin so long as we try not to again, or try to fix the problem that leads us to it. While I don't think that anorexia or bulimia are immmoral, I can see how others would...and if they make you feel guilty then you should treat them like a sin, and try to repent. Don't worry about the afterlife so much. You're dealing with a potentially fatal condition here; how can you confess and atone if you're too weak to stand?

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Ok well here's my problem, my mom is like super christian and I think I wanna follow by the rules of buddah and I want to be boodist! but I still belive in god! I dunno what one to choose. And plus if I do decide to become budist I dont wanna tell my mom! I dont know what to Do! arg! help!

For one, it's spelled "buddhist." Buddha. Buddhist.

I've heard from people that it's possible to sort of blend Christianity and Buddhism. I've kind of tried it. But really, with any religion, you can sort of pick and choose.

However, before you commit to Buddhism, I suggest you do some reading. Hardcore Zen (I think the author is named Brad Warner) is a really great book for people who don't know that much; it should give you an idea of whether the basic Buddhist thing is in line with what you beleive. It really helped me figure out what Buddhism about and what I liked about it... and why it wasn't exactly for me.

Regardless of what you do, your religion is not your mother's business. And if she's like "super christian" you may not want to share it with her until you're out of her house and out of college. Basically out of her financial responsibility... otherwise she could bar you from accessing information and other things about your chosen faith or force you to go church, if you're under 18, or cut off your financial lifelines until you agree to do things her way, if you're over 18. Keep looking into things, and keep an open mind, but be careful about how much you let your mom find out.

The most important thing is to follow your heart. Take a religion or two, take out what you think is correct, and follow that. Don't worry about the little rules and things.

For the record, I'm sort of a Christian (more like a deist who beleives in God and Jesus really, but that's not the point), and I beleive that God wants us to be happy. I beleive that God wouldn't want you to follow a religion just beucsae it's what everyone else said, or to stick to rules that don't seem right to you.

You seem to have a pretty strong faith in God; so just remember that He loves you, and let Him guide you. Think of your figurative heart like a divine walkie talkie; you need only listen to it, and He'll tell you where you need to go.

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im not really sure what is happening.. but lately like the last 3 or 4 times my boyfriend has fingered me it has stung so bad! im not sure why it is or anything.. i mean like when he does it just hurts so bad i want him to stop.. but then like if he does it again the same night it doesnt hurt like really really bad.. i think its the way im sitting or something im not sure.. its not easy talkin to him about things like this.. bc he wouldnt know what to say i know.. i mean we have been together for a long time but it jus wouldnt be easy.. but when i come home or w.e i check and see if anything looks any different and it doesnt it jus stings and it even does like two days afterward im not sure what to do can someone quickly give me some advice!

Any sort of new pain in your genital area needs to be invesitgated. Go to your gynecologist and get checked out, or at least go to a clinic of sometime and get an STD test. You could have an STD; some of them are very hard to spot in women. It's VERY IMPORTANT that you get tested and checked out; many STDs can cause permanent infertility and other problems, and some could kill you.

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Ok... I was in a porno Video cause i needed money to go to a school trip in France..! But now All of the guys at my school .. Are porno freaks.!! and all they want is sex from me..! i dont want to give sex to them cause i only did that 1 time to get money for a trip and all the girls think im a slutty ass bitch.. and im not i was always the nice girl and now after one mistake i am called a slut! All the guys try to talk me into sex but i dont want to.. when i go on a date i always get forced to hhave sex. its really annoying and bad.. I hate it and i dont even think i want to go on this trip. after all thats happening.. One of my friends told me that She over heard her boyfriend and his friend saying that this kid that goes to our school may rape me.. Im scared and i dont want to start more drama .. Not only that but the tape was sold on the internet. Im doomed for life. What do i do to repair my reputaion and stay away from getting raped..

any advice is apperciated..

Ps- IM NOT A SLUT!

I lost my original response, so I'll post a point by point. But before I say anything, I want to tell you that no matter what kind of idiotic mistake you've made, you're still a worthy, decent person with the same rights as everyone else. However, you're going to have to work a littl harder to get the peace that you deserve.

Anyway, point-by-point...

-"was in a porno"
Well, think about the situation there. Were you underage when it happened, or 18? If you were underage, report the company to the authorities, even if you got in with a fake ID. They should be much more thorough in identifying and validating the ages of their talent. If you were over eighteen, I'm afraid there's little to nothing you can do.

Also, was it an "ameteur" film, or one through a professional studio? You're at a much higher risk of problems if it was an ameteur film, becuasce professional studios regularly test their talent for STDs. However, regardless of what kind of film it was, you need to go get tested. One test for most "normal" diseases should be acceptable, but it's very important to get two HIV tests--one now, and one in six months. The porn industry recently had an HIV scare, and most porn companies do not use condoms (no, I don't know from experience, I just have a lot of pervy male friends). It may be hard to find a clinic that will do this for you affordably and without your parents' permission, but they can be hard. Try searching for one on a search engine ("planned parenthood" is a good starting search term). Also, get a home pregnancy test, even if it's been a few months. Just to be safe. My contacts tell me they're very cheap.

-"i needed money"
If you still need money, try McDonald's or your local grocery store.

-"all they want is sex from me..! i don't want to give sex to them"
Then don't go out with them. If you do go out on dates, do only group dates, with another girl THAT YOU TRUST and another guy. Group dates and singles alike, don't go to movies or other dark places (except arcades that are filled with kids and parents. That should be okay), don't go to places that are kinda risque, and don't go to places where it'd be easy for the guy to get you alone. Try to keep to family-oriented or family-friendly dates, like dinner at "family" places and bowling. And whatever you do, DO NOT RIDE IN THE CAR WITH YOUR DATE. You say you've been forced into sex (i.e. rape), don't take that chance again. Also, don't do any more than kiss them, even after the first date. You need to send a mesage of repentant chastity, both for your safety and reputuation. Don't EVER be alone with the guy. Ever.

-"girls think i'm a [expletives deleted]"
Well, good for them. You need to not care wh at they think. Find a few whom you can trust--even if you have to befriend geeks and underclassmen--and stick with them. Forget everyone else. Your reputation is beyond salvation--everyone's high school reputation is only changeable by scandal--so focus on your happiness and safety.

-"when i go on a date I always get forced to hhave sex."
This, my dear, is called rape. The fellows who did this to you need to be reported to the authorities and prosecuted, if not for your sake, then for that of other girls in your situation. You must not let this happen again. Also, make sure to get tested for STDs and pregnancy after this. I think you have to wait until a missed period, or a period or whatever, for a pregnancy test to be accurate though... so wait at least that long since the last time you had sex.

-"i dont even think I want to go on this trip"
Why not? You got the money, why not use it. Just make sure that your roomate for the trip is someone you trust, and never leave her side unless you're both locked in your hotel room. Always stay aware and alert, and don't drink or do anything illegal or irresponsible on the trip. And always lock your hotel room door at night.

-"this kid ... may rape me"

This is the IMPORTANT PART.

Now, regardless of whether the rumor is true or not, you need to be very careful about your safety.

Start varying your routine. Mix it up day to day; don't always take the same routes to and from school or any other place, and try to vary the times you do things. Just keep it changing. Don't ride, walk, or go anywhere alone, not even to school. Start picking up a friend or some underclassmen every day and dropping them off if you drive to school; if you ride the bus, sit up front by the little kids. If you walk, find someone to walk with.

Consider carrying pepper spray or some other non-lethal weapon. Have it with you at all times, except when at school or at school events. Do NOT leave it in your car if you drive to school, and do NOT have it on your person during school if you walk or ride the bus. It may be illegal to possess at school. Be prepared to use other objects as weapons if you are attacked. Keys are good for scratching, you can hit people with your purse, etc. Talk to your local Girl Scouts, YWCA, or 4H about self-defense classes; they can hook you up.

Also, you may want to start keeping a cell phone and a personal alarm. Try to sleep away from windows, or in more internal rooms of the house... Get your hair cut short, or wear it in a hat. DO NOT wear your hair in ponytails, pigtails or buns (it's easier for men to grab you). Never go into shady places unless you're in a group of three or more TRUSTWORTHY girls. Never walk home alone. ALWAYS STAY ALERT.

Talk to your parents about what's going on; they can help in all regards... Unless you're certain that you're going to be severely punished. They may ground you, but if you're in danger of being raped, that may not be a bad thing for the time being.

~~

Just be careful, stay alert, and don't sweat all the stupid girls who are calling you names. In a few years, you'll graduate and leave this behind, and while the odd person may recognize you from the porno, the odds of anyone doing so--or feeling a need to say anything--will diminish greatly. And if all else fails, hair dye is your friend.

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Hey, I like this guy alot, but he always wants me to do stuff with him more than kissing. Im 14 and I dont really want to b/c Im a Christian and I dont like to do stuff like that ..but I like him ALOT HELP ME!

As everyone else has said, you need to set limits and say no. Tell him that under no circumstances will you do anything more than kissing at this point in your life. Explain to him that it's against your beliefs and is very important to you. If he persists in trying after that, end the relationship. I know you like him, but will you still like him if he hurts you?

Also, how old is he? You said you're fourteen; if he's any older than 16 or younger than 12, you should drop him like a bad habit no matter what happens, for legal reasons (it could be messy if the relationship ends up lasting; one of you could get in trouble if you DO end up going farther than kissing). Also, at age 14 it's very dangerous to date someone older than yourself, especially if they insist on a very pyhsical relationship. Some older guys are genuine, but some are also just looking for you-know-what, and with older guys it's much harder to get the scoop on them from other girls. And older guys tend to be bigger and stronger than teenage ones, which makes them generally more dangerous. Plus, at your age, almost anything beyond kissing with an older guy could get him in trouble with the law, which would be very awkward and probably painful for you.

And before you go on about, "but I like him a lot!" remember that sometimes we are attracted to people based on wholly physical or insignificant things. The guy I have the biggest crush on now is an absolute pig, who objectifies girls and has no interest in anything but what your beau seems to be interested in. I have a crush on him becuase he's very intelligent and witty, and it pains me that I can't date him, but I accept that doing so would be harmful to us both. Sometimes, no matter how much you like a guy, you just have to let go. Some guys aren't worth dating, some guys just come by at the wrong time in your life, some guys are just pigs.

Tell him how you feel, and if he doesn't respect that, get rid of him. Whether you like him or not isn't what matters here; it's whether you're safe and whether you like you. And if you give into the pressure? Trust me, you won't like yourself at all.

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i have this friend that i've known since 4th grade (we're now seniors). i love her to death but there are some things that make me really ticked off about her. lately, she has given up at everything in which she can't succeed. we do the same sport, and she is quitting. she used to be really really good at it (she was #1 on the team for a while), but she hasn't been as good because she really stopped trying. also, she is considering dropping one of her ap classes because she is getting a c+. she always complains about how the teacher doesn't grade anything and how the whole class is failing, but i talk to others in the class and they say that it's not true and that the problem is her. if she drops this class, she'll be a valedictorian. if she doesn't, she won't. all of my friends and i think that she should stick it out because colleges will like her getting a c+ and then working her way up to a b/b+ (because we know it's possible) rather than her dropping a challenging class. what do you think she should do and if you think she should stick it out, do you have any ideas for us to tell her? nothing seems to be working...

There is really no single answer to this question; a lot more information is required.

First off, has she, and have the other top four or so, already applied to college? I should certainly hope so. Has she figured out how she's going to pay for college? Some schools will pay your way if you're valedictorian or salutatorian. If she's going to such a school, and she's vey poor, or has family money problems, then that could be the only way she can make it to college. If that is the case, and there are no other kids in the top ten that are in the same situation, then I would advise you not to push her to stay in the class. It's not fair, no, but as long as your friend's actions aren't hurting the other top ten kids, then your focus should be on her wellbeing.

As for her wellbeing, this sounds very much like she's depressed or in trouble somehow. Check out what's going on with her home life, her recreational/social time, and her love life. If something's happened at home, if she's gotten involved in drugs or alcohol too heavily, or she's been hurt somehow by a boyfriend or girlfriend (as in, violated) then that could be influencing her.

Regardless of the above situations though, you should encourage her to begin consulting a counselor. Either a guidance counslor, or an outside counselor (in some places, you can get counseling services for as little as ten dollars a session). Sometimes that's all depressed kids need to get it back together; it's all I needed. Even if it's not enough, the counselor can at least help her get to a psychiatrist if she's severely depressed, or help her find some other kind of help if she's facing a more tangible, external crisis.

But if all else fails, you need to support and gently push her. Don't be all gung-ho about it; if she's Valedictorian she's probably under insane pressure to succeed, and she may be rebelling against it. Try to get her to do things, but don't show marked disapproval if she doesn't. Make sure not to nag. Reassure her that she's still your friend if she doesn't succeed or doesn't give her all for things. I've been in that same situation before (although it was salutatorian, not valedictorian), and part of the reason it came about is becuase I felt like people only liked me becuase I was the valedictorian.

I know it's hard for us ambitious types to tolerate people not working up to potential, but you have to keep in mind that sometimes other things get in the way. If you want her to succeed, and to be happy, you have to help her find out what's int he way, and how to get rid of it, and support her when she actually moves beyond it. However, she has to take that step on her own. All you can do is be her friend whether she succeeds or fails, and try to help her toward the former.

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