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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

So my 22 year old niece moved in with my mom and i because she is going through a divorce and she brought her dog. I live her and the dog , but she and the dog is getting on my nerves. I am 34 years old and I live with my mom because I have an anxiety disorder, autism, and sensory processing disorder. My mom is disabled. My mom uses a walker if that helps any. My niece works with home health and she is supposed to be helping my mom do things she can't do that was the agreement when she moved in. Instead of paying rent and helping with groceries she would cook and clean and take me places with our car when my mom is unable to do so . The thing is we share a room and she keeps it a mess she was going through our food to see what was good a not good. It was canned goods and pre packaged items and she put them in a large trash bag and put the trash bag in a basket of clean clothes and went to her friend's house and it's been there for 2 days . It's so heavy . I can't lift it because I have a bad wrist. She blocked my vanity with her stuff where I can't even get to it . She put stuff in front of my TV in my room where I can't even get to it to watch it. The room is so messy I don't even know how to go about cleaning it. I have talked to my mom and I have asked her if she can't clean up the room can she ask her to leave. My mom says she will talk to her but she is not going to kick her out. I have tried talking to her myself but she doesn't listen to anything I say. I called her mother and asked her to talk to her daughter she said she would and understands why I am upset. They have bother asked her to clean up the room and nothing we say seems to work. I can't get a place of my own because of my disabilities not only that I am on SSI benefits and can't afford my own place. I need some advice. I have tried everything. I don't know what to do . Please help! I am about ready to go to a mental hospital because I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown. I have OCD as well . Am I over reacting or is the way I feel understable. I feel like she is just using us because she doesn't have anywhere else to go.

You are not overreacting. everything needs to have its own spot, and there needs to be some kind of order if for nothing else than for safety of all in the house and health. I haven't seen the set up so I can't say if it's a lack of storage for all her things or if she's just a messy or hoarder type. I have family like that, actually the stepmom of my granddaughter and the father in law whose house it is absolutely hates it but does nothing about it. He had complained to me. You have the same situation, with your mom being the house owner. I used to do care giving and am aware that people with disabilities usually have a case worker who keeps tabs on you. If you truly can not live alone, there must be some kind of group home set up for people in your situation. Call your caseworker and ask about that. Don't wait until a twice a year meet up with you to verify you are still the same and continue to need SSI. Call your contact now and ask if its even possible to get into a group home paid for by state, and let her/him know why it is so important. As long as Mom owns the home, you have no say in the matter and it sounds like she is choosing to ignore the situation because she is avoiding the drama which she probably couldn't handle anyways. You need a better living situation for peace of mind. And making a decision now or later is going to happen no matter what, as your Mom is aging and one day will no longer be around. Perhaps you will inherit the house. Even so, you couldn't live there by yourself so having it sold if there is no other family may happen. But what is important right now is calling and talking to your case worker. If you have no idea who that is, call DSHS, Department of Social and Health Services and mention why you are calling and what you need to speak to someone about. There is protection for elderly and disabled persons by law so no one can abuse them. Since you are disabled and the room you share is now unsafe, it truly is a matter for the state to be aware of and anyone coming to see you, and seeing the state in which you have to live, would likely do something about it, whatever can be done within the law. You say the niece is supposed to help, unofficially I suppose as doing some help that legal care givers do. Your mom may not qualify for the help and so has asked the niece to do it. If the niece is not doing anything to help your Mom and simply taking advantage of the situation, then you have to talk to someone about it because Mom and your niece certainly aren't going to. I know it may be tough for you to do. Just dial operator on the phone, ask for your local DSHS number. My local offices have cut personnel and have quite a wait time on phone. Hopefully yours doesnt. This is the best advice I can give. Oh, by the way, in a group home, you should not have to share a room but have your own bedroom but the rest of living spaces are shared.

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A couple days ago, I (20s/F) attended a Christmas party with my best friend (also 20s/F) and we ended up exchanging a kiss underneath some mistletoe. The two of us are straight, so we basically did this as a joke. Only problem is, I REALLY enjoyed that kiss! I never expected to enjoy a kiss with another woman so much and I've literally been questioning my sexuality ever since.

I've been thinking of asking my friend if she felt the same way, but I'm afraid it'll make things super weird between us if it turns out it was no big deal to her. I'm so confused right now. Should I risk our friendship by bringing this up or just keep my mouth shut? Don't know if anyone reading this has ever been in a similar situation, but I appreciate any advice anyone may have to offer nonetheless.

Reverse roles and see what you think best then. Say she felt something and you did not but she decided to tell you. You don't want a F + F intimate relationship, but now you know she does and with you. How awkward would that make you feel? Its not just about you but her as well. If you treasure the friendship, try to enjoy just the friendship. If you find you can not, it may mean slowly spending less and less time with her. If she asks why, maybe then mention how you feel.

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I am a 34 year old female and receive disability but I called social security to see if I could work since I have been on disability since I was 12 and they said I could work for 90 days to see if I could work without it affecting my check and insurance. My problem is that since I've never worked at 34 years old I have no references. I have volunteered with my church. Could I use my pastor as a reference? I volunteered with the kids church. Could I use the children's pastor as a reference? I need 3 references. Who else could I use use as a reference? I have babysat for family members but I know family members are not allowed for references. I have also volunteered at a thrift store but that was about 10 years ago. Is that old and half the people that was at the thrift store is not there anymore and I don't know how to get a hold of them. I do know it's hard to get a job with out references. Please tell me what to do. Thank you.

If you recieve disability, then it is most likely that you have a social worker assigned to you to check on you yearly to see if you are the same, still in need or have improved some. I used to do care giving for a gal who had mental disability but was still able to do part time work. Since she also had no prior experience due to being born with her condition, through DSHS she was assigned a work counselor whose job it was to test her to see what her skill level would be. I can give a good example since our church weekly puts on a community dinner. Recently, 2 different counselors asked to use our program as a place to see how well their clients could work, whether it was cutting fruit for the fruit salad, or helping prepare garlic bread. They sat with their disabled person to keep helping them if they had a problem with any of the instructions. They were not trying to get placement to work since we are a volunteer basis only, just to measure the abilities. If a person can do more than kitchen work, then they find a place to take their client to test their abilities. You should be eligible for a social work counselor through DSHS. Try calling them instead. I do not know if it is much different in other states, and this was Washington state. The process you are thinking of with supplying resumes and a list of work contacts is something that you should not have to do, with a job counselor who does the job searches and find jobs that match the clients abilities.

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Me and my boyfriend got together last spring, but we've known each other for about 5 years now. At first, it was amazing, but shortly after getting together, he got a second job. How he's working his regular full time job Monday thru Friday, then he's on call for his second job from Friday at 6 to Sunday at 4. And that's just when he's on call. If he gets a call at 3:45, he still has to go and often spends about 3 hours per call. This has led to a complete stagnation with plans and dates. We can't go out anymore because things will be closed by the time we drive to them and can't plan anything ahead of time because he might get a last minute call. I've noticed I've grown resentful of the fact it feels like we can't do any outings anymore. I see photos and videos of dates my friends go on to parks or museums and the beach and I just get so jealous and sad. I truly love him, but I don't know how I can talk to him about this without sounding selfish.

I know this is old and thought someone else had answered but it doesn't seem that is the case. So better late than never. THe first problem is your not mentioning to him how this makes you feel. Guys don't tend to pick up on subtle clues easily and need to be told. When telling, no beating around the bush, just make it clear. Another thing you may want him to consider is asking what would happen if he were hospitalized for emergency surgery, you know, like appendix or injured in a car accident....and who would pick up the slack then. There could be two things going on in his mind, either that they would fire him if he said he could not come in or that he is a work a holic, which is what I battle with my husband but in my case he does find time for me, he is over working his body at his age and I fear it will end up crippling him, wheelchair bound or worse, death.

If yours in doing so because he is a work a holic, you can talk til you're blue in the face and it will not change a thing depending on how self driven he is to work. I have this with a husband and I have divorced once, don't want to do it again so I put up with it. If you find that after talking with him, nothing improves, then you have decisions to make. You are not married and can easily physically at least, move out of the relationship, it isn't so easy on the heart. We tend to be on the poor side and don't go out anywhere hardly ever, only when we volunteer at a church community dinner program weekly. But the time I have at home with him is good and he treats me good too. If you need more getting out to go places, find a single girlfriend and start doing these things with her. If it doesn't matter who is your companion for getting out and doing things, then this solves your issue. If it has to be him, possibly negotiate for one plan a month that he can not drop if he is called on weekend. If he can't see himself doing that, it would seem his part time job on weekends is the problem and he needs to find something else to replace it. That should be fairly easy as so many have taken to starting their own business since the pandemic and employers are having trouble filling positions. All I have said to you, needs to be communicated in some way to him. Perhaps he has no idea what else to try and your talking about it will give him some direction to take or things to try.

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So, I do not have the best of luck with men and I think it is because I need to do a lot of mental healing. With that being said, I have these unhealthy crushes on guys for years and nothing ever happens. I also have this really unhealthy cycle where if I like a guy they won't like me back or if a guy likes me I do not like them back. Honestly, I think it is a curse and I think I am destined not to have anyone in my 30's. Moving forward, I've had an unhealthy obsession with a guy that I have liked for years. I have terrible social anxiety and have never spoken to him much before...I have met this guy through a mutual interest and think he is the weirdest guy ever. During events, I used to catch eyes with him all the time and he would purposely be around me. There were times I felt like he would purposely try to get my attention but not talk to me face to face. I'm not sure if he was doing that deliberately because he knows I liked him or because he's just a weird person... There are times I think he is nervous around me.
Next...
It wasn't until about a year or so ago where he took over an organization. I used to try to get a hold of him through messenger or email, than he would ignore all my messages. Nevertheless, I was upset when he didn't reply to my messages about things about the organization. I then, messaged a friend about him not helping me out,then he helped me out and if it wouldn't be friends for my friends help today, he would have never contacted me back.
I'm really confused by his lack of maturity and now he's more responsive with my messages. He still ignores me in public... does he not like me? What is his deal? He even tries to flirt with me and used to be wherever I was in public.
I need closure and wish I wouldn't like this guy anymore...
Why does he avoid me? He does not even pursue me...

There's a lot that needs to happen for you before you can worry about how to go about finding a healthy relationship which I also have a document i can send with instructions but we need to first focus on your getting over the extreme social anxiety. I have been there and got scared my last year in High school knowing I wasn't ready for navigating the adult world while having such anxiety in talking to people. My social anxiety meant that I not only couldn't start conversations or even talk long conversations with anyone but I hated the feeling that people were staring at me and my wondering what they were thinking. Any blunder I made, I was sure people would laugh at me, even if in secret. I couldn't get up to sharpen a pencil because it meant other kids might stop to look at what I was doing and I hated the idea of any eyes on me. Today I am very outgoing, have no problem starting conversations, even with strangers, am comfortable talking to the opposite sex, and absolutely love to make people laugh so I enjoy and feel comfortable if eyes are on me. I am pasting in a document on how I overcame this social anxiety.

My Dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.

It took until I was about 16/17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got.(P.S. I have since read about the answers I got, in a book by a Psychologist who talked about how to get over social anxiety and it was the same stuff I felt I heard from God.) It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there. For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they don't even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick out a ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people. This process didn't take all that long. Since I wasn't pressured to master any level quickly, I went my own pace and as I saw how easy it was and how no bad things happened, that spurred me to work on getting to the next level, even though each new level scared me at the start but by the end, I was comfortable. Let me know when you have mastered this and I will talk to you about how to find Mr. Right. This should
help you.

To write me back later, check the grey-blue section at the left and find and click on 'search advice columnists' and once there, look for me under dragonfly magic. Open my column and then write to me from there. Blessings to you dear.

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So I am a 34 year old female and I have no friends my age all my friends are at least in there 60's and I have been going to counseling and my counselor says I need to make some friends that are girls my age to just hang out with . I went to church last night my step dad dropped me off because I don't drive. This girl I use to be friends with in highschool asked if I was going to the Christmas at the church and I said I was going to try . She asked if I needed a ride? Does this mean she wants to be my friend again? I said yes. We didn't get in to a fight after highschool we just lost touch. How do I go about asking her to hangout with out sounding weird? I just don't want to send off the wrong message.

Sounds like you are very timid and prone to overthinking everything. I used to be like that in grade school. Always thought the worst when people looked my way, thinking they thought the worst of me and now looking back I realize it was all in my head. Its a long time since highschool and you sound like you haven't made any friends your age since highschool. Perhaps the older ladies are friends because they have experienced enough life to learn how to reach out to people. I don't suppose you reached out to them first. If you did, then do the same with people your age. A person offering you a ride in itself is not a clue whether the person wants to become a close friend. A stranger can be nice even and want to help without knowing you or wanting to be your friend. But since you know her from high-school, talk to her more. If having a conversation with someone is hard for you to do, then read the following closely: Ask only open ended questions, not closed ended questions. A closed end question is one that can be answered yes or no and the conversation usually stops there unless you make a comment or ask another question with then feels awkward. Yup, I've been there. Example would be "Do you like Mexican food?" Their answer would be a yes or no. If the person is very outgoing and talkative, they might add what kind of Mexican food in particular but heres a tidbit for you. The majority of people out there will not ask a question first, especially with someone they don't know well or a stranger. I find I am the one always starting a conversation However most people are friendly and like to talk so once you get them started, they warm up and start offering pieces of information.
Such an example in my life would be when a woman in front of me at Starbucks ordered a custom made coffee by name and I quickly realized that since it wasn't listed on the reader board. They knew her well and knew how to make her drink. After I put in my order and we were waiting for our coffees, I asked an open ended question, one that can't be answered by yes or no. I said I had overheard her order and was curious as to what was in it, if she didn't mind telling me. She lit up and started explaining the name she gave it and all the ingredie.nts and that it was pretty much the only kind of drink she ever ordered at Starbucks. She even volunteered to have them pour off a sample of her drink for me to try. When you ask people questions, it shows a level of interest in them. Paying someone a compliment goes well towards that too. But be honest, only mentioning if something looks pretty on the person, even if its not your style and it can be anything, the shoes, jewelry, hairstyle, even the sound of their laugh . I bet if you strike up conversation by asking this past friend offering a ride, some questions, she'll warm right up. Probably doesn't think you are currently interested in reforging an interest. Some people do change enough after school so that they no longer have things in common to be friends. You won't know that til you get brave enough to try, and not only with this one person but others too. I am truly interested in hearing back how it goes for you since this was something I had to overcome myself in the past.

Blessings, Dragonflymagic

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23 f
Ok so before I start let me just say I am writing this as I think about it so it may be a little all over. So in March I got this message on a language app from this guy. But really I was receiving a lot of messages so I would reply really late etc. But his messages stood out because he was actually trying to teach me about his culture and about the language I am learning. So one day I said that we should make a call since then we can actually have a conversation. We did eventually talk on the phone and eventually by a video call. It was not boring and soon enough we talked everyday for months. Literally every day. Obviously then I started to have a crush on him and I told him. He admitted that he does have a crush on me since the first video call. We just continued talking but then I realized that he was actually falling for me even more than I had for him. He would always try to get to know me (still does ) and when he spoke of the future he would include me subtly or without thinking. It wasn’t like he was flirting but I could tell he thought about it and honestly saw these things happening. Fast forward to a few weeks ago we were talking on the phone and well I brought up the fact that we spoke way too much especially since we aren’t dating and cannot date because of several reasons. I’ll discuss the reason in a bit. He told me that he agreed and was also thinking the same thing because he was talking to his friend about things like getting married and stuff and in that moment he realized that during the conversation he was thinking about me and that we should try to meet and figure out how we can be together given the distance. So his concern was really the distance but mine is the difference in religious beliefs and way of life. No I will not go against what I believe for him because it won’t make sense. I have seen a proof that it doesn’t work and he also agreed that my reasons are valid. So we discussed every other possibility and he agreed to try to see if he can conform to my beliefs if it is something he wants since he doesn’t know about it. However, I just don’t feel like this is going to happen and I feel terrible. During our talk he was sincere and said everything I would have dreamt but then this is just words. I am not going to force him to do anything especially something so big but if he doesn’t us talking don’t make sense because I can’t be just his friend. I had plans before meeting to travel to his country and I have cancelled them. Instead I am living in another country that is between my original county and his . So distance is the issue. Again he does agree that is being together with the different beliefs is not something that helps either of us. But then I feel like he wants to settle down with me because he kept saying that the goals that I have and the way I think is how he views thing now that he is 33 and that he wasted his youth. So I feel like I was just the girl that happen to stumble upon him and nothing else. But then he keeps thinking he is being selfish but he is not sure. I don’t know if this part is sincere or not .
My question is then if I wait to see he keeps his word and tries to learn bout my beliefs when is a good time to walk away if he seems to be stringing me along waiting for me to change my mind ?

He can say or promise anything over the pc or over the phone but the problem with long distance relationships are: you can't know if the other person is really telling the truth, embellishing on anything they share, have changed faiths or are pretending on line until they falsely convince you, or whether there is even the kind of chemistry needed for friendship and marriage if it comes to that. I understand what you are saying. After a divorce, I talked with a long distance guy daily over months. He was separated, so we met in person and yes there was chemistry. Sadly, we had to part when his wife wanted to get back with him and he also wanted to more for her sake than his. I have also thought I had chemistry with a guy, on the phone, talking and seemed to have much in common. But when we finally met in person, there was no chemistry for me. Another time a guy walked in to the restaurant we were to eat at, I was waiting in front. The moment our eyes met, we both knew there was no chemistry as he immediately said, 'this isn't going to work out, is it?' If you can't meet someone in person, then it is better to not try something with an LDR. Besides, if this guy is such a catch, why isn't he able to find a local girl. Could there be something immediately obvious that girls won't date him once they meet in person? Yes, there may be nothing wrong but chances are high that any flaws of his are easier to hide long distance. Also, for some, changing of faith doesn't apply or mean anything because they may not have ever been deep in their own faith. If one was, it would be hard to change. If someone were to want me to change from being a Christian, I wouldn't do it. If he said he'd become a Christian then, that's just words, not action. You can't see what he is doing, whether he really has a personal relationship with Jesus, is praying daily, taking time to talk to God, read the bible, that sort of stuff. You just can't know. When I finally found the guy I thought was a pretty good deal after my divorce, he said things about himself, like character traits and such which I began to look for when I saw him often, I had to see for myself, those traits, beliefs in action to know he was telling the truth. That is why I am with him today.

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Our school went on a trip. My friend's names are A, C, G, and I. We 5 stayed with another group of 5 members who are very close to C and I. So, that another group gave mine, A and G's name to mam when she asked there are three cabinets empty in her room. They gave our name to shift and gave silly reasons like we made the room wet when all made it wet after trekking. The main reason was mingling problem that we 3 weren't mingling with them so yeah we went out of the room. But C and I ignored me and A so much. They acted like we are strangers literally. And now, C is saying sorry and saying that she did put efforts into talking with me when she didn't at all and saying that I didn't do the minimum effort to talk. All hypocrisy. I don't know whether to accept C's friendship back or not. Tell me what should I do? Should I accept her friendship back or no? And yeah C and V who is a girl of that another group removed A's bag which we kept on seat on which they say because it was empty of bus. And they sat there and when we asked for it back, they are saying in morning they sat there first. We said you should have kept any belonging there because so many people did but they are saying they kept on the upside of the bus cuz money was in it but so many people kept their bag on seat money containing to protect their seat so basically it's illogical of her

When people are young, they are not always into loving and caring for others and are only looking out for themselves. Sometimes that changes as a person grows up and becomes an adult, whether in age or in behavior. Sometimes a person does not change. So if you can tolerate the rocky road for now and wait to see what she becomes like in the future, then stick with her. If you can not stand for the behavior, maybe it is time to learn about forgiveness. Saying sorry and lying at the same time to make an excuse for one self is not a true sorriness for ones actions. Saying sorry with an immediate change for the better in behavior is what counts. If it was a court case, the one in the wrong would need to do more than say sorry, like making amends, which are usually monetary in court, but in a friendship could be as simple as buying your favorite candy bar to give you along with a card. Then there is the part about forgiving others that we all need to learn, heck I went through this as well although mine wasn't with friends which you can change but with family members, each at a separate incidence and time imagining things in their mind, stopping talking to me for about 6 months in each case. I was married at the time. But it still was hard when I know I did nothing worry. I simply waited until they got over whatever deal they made up in their heads and were willing to talk again, answering my calls this time. I did not ask them to apologize because in my heart, I had already forgiven them. Everyone gets tested on something having to do with forgiveness and some are really hard to be willing to forgive. So perhaps, there is even something you can learn, some way to improve who you are by going through this rather than avoiding it by cutting off contact

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Hello. I was looking to buy a house with my family so we contacted a real estate agent "Reba". She was friendly and I had a lot in common with her so we kind of became friends. However, I felt like we weren't getting anywhere because she was very laid back. I did most of the house searches myself. We even took a break from looking for a few months, and she was very patient and kept in touch. The last straw was when we had some problems with the broker she worked with. Frustrated, I told her I wanted to take a break again and that I would contact her when I was ready to start looking. She said ok. We were new to the area, so out of curiosity I contacted a different real estate agent to see what else was out there. He was very helpful! He found houses for us to look at right away. I decided to go with him, and we got apporoved from his financer. We found a place in 1 month! Now my question is should I tell Reba that we decided to go with someone else and we just closed? I feel bad because she was so patient, and I know she was looking forward to the sale. But at the same time, she wasn't very aggressive so I don't know if things would have worked out with her. Should we say something or just not contact her again?

If you had a friend who was a mechanic and you had to book a month out since his schedule was full, but problem got worse and you needed car service sooner, wouldn't you let the friend know and cancel the appt with his service garage? It doesn't matter if its a friend or a stranger, if someone is doing business with you and you no longer need their service, you have to let them know. So let her know. She doesn't have to know how it happened that you went with someone else. Sometimes, people drive by a house with a for sale sign and see the name and number of the realtor and call them instead. Although she probably could have arranged to take you there herself, as you said, she wasn't aggresive enough in this job.

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Long story short, that tiktok that says "your mother loves you but she doesn't like you" describes it well. She does so much for me, she loves me but her words are so venomous if I do something wrong. I am a young adult, I don't drink, smoke or do any of that. I mind my own business and don't get in trouble. I focus on my studies. But throughout my life, she has said things that have struck me and haunted me, comments about my looks, and intellect. She knows I will never be like her, she was practically THE girl and I'm just a girl. I want her to accept me and like me. I want her to listen to me and not just understand whatever based on the image she has of me. She lies and says she doesn't care if I end up being a disappointment and choosing to do what I love to do because she wants me to be happy but she makes no effort to listen to my work and tells people she wanted me to pursue business instead. Whenever I come home she's so excited to see me she gives me hugs and then an hour or so later she gets mad at me. I guess that's just what being a mother does to you.

I can't change her. But I want to adapt. I want to be able to wake up and not feel unloved, I want to be able to go about my day and actually be able to not let these thoughts and words consume me. I need advice on how to cope with this, what to do to not mind her temper and feelings.

Its sad when the very place that we should be able to go to be loved unconditionally, build it, and strengthened, and cheer us when we are having a hard time, is not happening, home is not a refuge.
I experienced that in a first marriage. And this was a man who went to church and I thought had a stronger faith but after marriage, shortly after a terrible side of him came out. He would try to tear me down in front of family and tell them to shut up when they tried to defend me. He was verbally abusive. Normally, the stress of verbal abuse messes with a persons mind but sometimes can show physically. Though I did get some physical manifestations, the more common reaction in the abused spouse, did not happen in me. I had someone I could go to anytime and am just telling my story, what worked for me. If you keep trying all things and nothing works for you, you just might want to try what I did. Of course, I was a believer, having asked Jesus to be my Savior and I prayed often. SO when he became upset with me, accused me of something, I would go in prayer to ask God if perhaps I had done something wrong and I especially remember one response, that it was not my fault. That my husband was reacting to my tone of voice, imagining something in me that did not exist. When God told me He found no problem with me, it felt like a great weight lifted off. There were times when I would again go in prayer to God and I truly believe that is what kept my sanity intact. It is good that you realize you can't change her. Change must be wanted and come from within her. There were a couple times I also grabbed my car keys and left the house because he followed me to every room I went to get away from him and pray. I would usually go to the beach to watch the sunset as that wasn't far from home and being there brought some peace as well. Other than that, there is no real advice for your situation.as I don't know your family at all, let alone well enough to know if there are some things that if I knew them, would suspect they may be the issue. Ask yourself if there was a time when she did not act this way, and try to remember when it changed. Is your father still in the picture, and if so, talk to him and let him know how you feel. If there is no father, perhaps she is unhappy about that and all the unhappiness in her has to be dumped out every day. I have heard that unhappy people will dump on the people most conveniently close, like other family members, and some times pick all, or choose just one. I will say one thing from what you have written, about her comments on your looks. intellect, and upset that you did not pursue business as she wanted you to. Things like this make me wonder if she is unhappy with how her life turned out, or perhaps as she is getting older, whats to mold you into a younger version of herself and try to force you to do the things she never did or wanted to keep on doing so that she could live her life vicariously through you. The fact that you don't allow that, is likely what makes her unhappy with you. I here from people all the time of parents practically starting war with their adult child who doesn't go to the school they want you to, get the job they want you to get, date and or marry someone they have not picked out for you and so on. Parents have threatened to stop paying for school or cast their child out of the family, maybe even out of the house. There are many others going through the same stuff. Many who like you feel unloved. All people need and deserve to not only feel loved but truly know they are loved. However, the very people one would thin should be able to show us their love, are human like us, have their own issues, and can be very unloving. I had both of my divorced parents at different times get upset over imagined things in their mind about me when I was raising my kids, and stopped talking to me for months each. I instinctively knew they needed time to get over what imagined wrong they had in their mind and keep trying after weeks or months to see if they were ready to pick up where we left off. I never asked them to apologize because the important thing for me was to forgive them. I did ask a sister who sided with my Dad, believing him because it truly was an action totally out of character for him., if she remembered this happening since it was about 30 years ago. She did not remember at all and I was okay with that. I can only say that even though I wasn't getting love from family at these times in my life, I still felt love from at least one source, from my Maker. God has love for us all. I can testify that I was lured away to not serving God, yet I know of some situations where He has protected me, regardless of where I was at. Now that I am back, I can only share what I feel is the best advice I can think of. If there was something simple that required you to do something and didn't involve God, I would say so but I don't know of anything. If lets say, you wanted more self confidence, okay I could give suggestions that don't mention God and praying, sorry if this upset you. It is not my intention to do so, only give the best advice I can.

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My husband is very upset about our neighbor directly behind us. This neighbor’s yard is a complete mess – piles of sticks, logs, multiple compost piles, and lots of very overgrown plants. I agree that this is totally out of line (as do our friends/relatives that have come over and seen it), but I am also able to make my peace with it and concentrate on other issues in my life that I have more control over. This is a huge issue for my husband. He can’t stand it so much that he occasionally considers selling our house and moving. He has called the village to complain and has been working with them, but that has had very little impact on the yard so far. My husband then gets angry with me because it doesn’t bother me. I know he feels like I am not on his side. I just want peace in my world and I try to get along with others as best as I can. I feel like I am supposed to learn how to be an angrier person in order to make my husband happy. How am I supposed to respond to him? I usually tell him that I understand why he is upset and sympathize with him, but no answer or reason has been satisfactory so far so I am not sure what to do. I believe that he should be able to have an issue with someone and that can be his thing; meanwhile, I could have things of my own going on that are of no concern to him.

Usually when there is something inside our character that needs fixing, it is those exact same things we react to and get upset about in our world. Yes, the neighbor could have a tidier yard, but unless it is dangerous to you, such as it is attracting rats that then come into your yard, then there is nothing a neighbor can do unless there is a local law that demands a home owners property be cleanly and organized. If there are such laws in your area, then your husband can talk to the authorities and explain what is going on. Even if it were resolved and the neighbors yard were clean, I must point back to the beginning of my response. I have a feeling that your husband would soon find something else to complain about, even if he is right, there will be things that at a subconscious level irritate him as they remind him that there is something wrong with him.

I have lived through something like this. A husband who would complain to me about friends of ours, and when I did not seem concerned, he got angry at me saying I did not care. He wanted to get a reaction out of me, so he blurted out that he was so upset he just might get out his gun and shoot himself. When he wasn't around, I made sure to hide the key to our gun safe. I eventually divorced as he verbally abused me the entire marriage. But I know how hopeless it feels, when someone is making it seem they will only be happy if you respond the way they want you to. If he is a good man in all other things, then he is worth fighting for. A friend who used to be a counselor suggested to my husband that he go to a psychologist to get help and explained why, and what he saw in my husband. So the husband fearing losing me, went with me as we began to check out different therapists, and we chose one. Then he was supposed to start going, but I overheard him on phone telling someone that he only pretended to go to fool me, but wouldn't go because he knew there was nothing wrong with him. I saw then that no matter what I said or did, it would have no effect on him. I remarried but he has had a string of girlfriends who end up leaving him. One of the latest told a daughter of ours that she has some training but not a degree in psychology however sees some behavioral problems with him and believes he may have Aspergers syndrome, which falls under the many different aspects of Autism. I knew a gal in High School with Aspergers and tho I believe he doesn't have it, he knows as well that something is not quite normal with him and has hidden it well from the public but felt too exposed at home with someone who knew him well enough to possibly find out so he did lots of finger pointing at me, even telling our Pastor that I had a problem and needed counseling. I only found out after the Pastor observed me handling a situation with the church secretary in a compassionate way, even sharing tears with her and knew I was nothing like my husband painted me to be and told me so. Although divorced, I still pray for the ex, as I realized he has a difficult life ahead and is so easily distracted by whatever entertaining thing might come his way. I just wanted you to know that I understand in a way what you are dealing with. I have no advice for you as unfortunately even human being must make their own choices, whether good or bad. However, I pray as that is the only thing I can proactively do. I do not see results yet but feel God wants me to trust and keep praying. I hope all turns out well for you.

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Hi my name Is Ashlyn and im 16 my question is why do pool jets feels so good on girls??

Its the vibration of something moving fast against you, same as many other things.

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Hello, I'm a female in my 20s. I've been having anxiety off and on for most of my life. It started getting worse when I moved to a new town where I only knew a few people. It's an unfamiliar place to me and I started to feel anxious whenever I would leave the house. I decided to finally get help so I went to see a doctor and explained the situation to her. After talking to her for a while she said something that kind of offended me. She said she feels like I'm withholding information. It seemed like she was trying to search for a bigger reason why I might be having anxiety, even though I just told her what it was. I felt like she was judging me or accusing me of hiding something. Why would I withhold information if I'm coming to her for help? We already started off on the wrong foot so I'm thinking about just canceling my next appointment and going to someone else. Should I try one more time and explain to her how I felt? Or should I start over with a new doctor?

If you want to tell her, do it by phone rather than going through another appointment. You are the second person I have heard from in last couple months of a therapist saying you must withholding information. I used to have extreme social anxiety before there was even a name for it...I am retired so an older generation, and that explains why there wasn't a label other than shyness but I know it was much more. I am recovered of this and don't have a problem starting conversations, talking to strangers. After all, the friends we have were once strangers to us. We can't wait for someone to introduce us, we just meet people, anywhere we happen to be. I can tell you what I did to get beyond my anxiety and see if it helps you. Its not some random recipe but years later, something I found in a book at the library, by a psychologist turned author. I will give you contact for his online page first, then tell you what I did to overcome the anxiety. If it's not an anxiety of people, then others have their own little differences and I would suggest a person with the title CBT trained, which stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Cognitive meaning the mind and I can assure you that almost all my problems were fueled by incorrect, bad thoughts, stinking thinking as one Dr. said eons ago.
https://feelinggood.com

Now here's my story:
Overcoming Shyness/Social Anxiety

I used to be so shy I wouldn't get up to use the pencil sharpener in grade school because I didn't want the other kids to stare at me. I refused to do book reports for fear of speaking in front of the class. So my grades would suffer. In contrast, my dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.

It took until I was about 16 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there. For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they don't even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick out a ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.

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i love my new boyfriend but i think im still in love with my ex . its causing problems in my rekationship and i dont know how to get over my ex so that i move on

Maybe it's just a quality you like about the ex. When we are in the dating world, most of us are in it just for the excitement and maybe love of the moment but few of us do not look at it as a time to learn what we really like in a possible partner. I didn't either until I came across some info and by then I was married to someone it eventually didn't work out with.
The information I am talking about, I call it Finding Mr. Right. It involved making lists to remind yourself of what qualities you liked in a guy and then also the things you did not like about a guy. Hopefully you find the next person being an upgrade in character, having the good qualities of the last one, but not possessing the things you did not like about the last one. Sometimes, just realizing this is enough to break that hold of feelings you have for your ex.

Your lists need to be one about things you Need in a partner and the things you want. A 'need' list is something you can't live without, a must have such as non alcoholic, clean of drugs, non smoker, wants to have children. If you don't particularly care if he drinks till drunk or smokes then these items don't belong in this list. The second list is of 'wants' but if he doesn't possess these qualities, it's not a game changer like the first list. On a list like this, I put that it would be nice if he likes to sing, dance, has long hair. I got the long hair but not the others and I am truly okay with that...this would be my 2nd husband. If you were not just dating but sexual as well with the ex, then there are ties created linking you to him. It could be those ties that are keeping your feelings linked to him. The matter does go deeper than that, based on what I've read in the Bible but I won't go there unless asked to. So what you can try to do is imagine a cord linked from you to him and imagine you using a big pair of ceremonial scissors likes those used at a ribbon cutting for the opening or christening of something. Picture yourself cutting that cord and know there is no chance of going back when you do that. So you must be ready to acknowledge that relationship is definitely over and you are not going back if the current one doesn't work either.

Piece of advice on getting into a new relationship. It may sound awkward but I've found it very important to ask and find out what a guy is currently looking for in a girlfriend. Some are into cyclical monogamous dating, meaning while dating one girl they are loyal to only her until relationship ends and they move on to the next. Others are not monogamous in dating or marriage and will want to see several women at once. Some of only looking for a female to have one fun, going to movies, out to dinner. Some want to extend that fun to sex but without any commitments. Having sex and making love are two different things to them. Having sex doesn't mean they love you. Now if you are okay with any of these views, then don't expect a guy to change in the future. If you are looking for a long term partner who loves you, then the guy right now needs to be of the same mind set. Hope this bit of info is helpful to you as well.

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I plan on getting my associates degree in nursing and then transferring to a university for my Bachelor’s. Can I get financial aid after I get my Associates? I live in Texas.

I do not live in your state so I wouldn't know. But you can always talk to and ask a counselor of whatever school you are currently going to. If no one at your school can answer that, ask them who you should be calling and ask for a number. Hope this helps.

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Has anyone had any luck doing a freezer spell to get people to leave you alone? I have a group of people that have been bothering me for six years. Some of them have tried to physically harm me. And some of them have harmed me emotionally. One person is trying to ruin my life. He's called my job, tried to find out what school I go to, so that he can create trouble. I put this group of people that have been bothering me in the freezer. I wrote down their names and added Cayenne pepper and red flakes along with vinegar in a bottle. Will this get them to stop harassing, stalking and threatening me? Has anyone done a freezer spell?

I hate to break the news, but I can't stay silent hon, there are two powers in the world, that of our creator and that of the devil. I have only learned late in life that all the spells I used to do, only had me messing with the devils minions. I know you probably don't want to hear this, and most people want nothing to do with anything remotely about God. But I can't think of any way to answer you other than to share this. I have learned that when people find some spells working for a while, its only because the power of the devil, which is strong but no where as almighty as that of God, is a power used for a while so that people, like myself are or were tricked into thinking it works. I wasn't worshipping the Devil or anything, just using spells but now I know there is no mixing it all, and its not okay. It only works for a while and then gets much worse.

So on to your problem, If it seems that people are out to get you, it's possible that somewhere along the line, not neccessarily anything you have done but the devil believed he got permission to mess with you by using people whose lives he already controlled. However, I know that Jesus protected me plenty of times, one while dabbling in new age stuff but still a believer in Jesus having become a believer as a teen. Had someone I knew confess to me that they got mad at me and as a way to get back at me, wanted to conjure up evil spirits to come torment me in my home but as they got ready to do that, An angel talked to him and said, "I can't allow you to do that". Even though I was deceived by the Devil into getting involved in bad things, I still loved God and he was still protecting me. I won't say any more. If you want to hear more and talk to me, you can write me personally on here by going to 'search advice columnist' and looking up 'dragonflymagic' thats me. Then write to me from my column and only I will see it and will respond. Just saying there is another choice and what I know from experience now, a better choice. Will be praying for you.

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Ok so I work currently in a lab as of tomorrow I will be back to work. The thing is I hate the job. I knew I obsessed over germs and chemicals deemed dangerous but only after working at this job I realize how bad it affects me mentally. I think it is because I was used to working with diluted substances now I work with really extremely concentrated substances. Yes I use PPE but for me it is not enough and I have that the lab is ac'ed. I wash my hands so much times and once I get home I have to immediately take a bath. Also, I always feel like I may be sick. once I read about a sickness that can occur because of a chemical I get sick with almost all the sympytoms listed. It is frustrating. I applied to work in a new country just to get away from everything for a bit and currently I am waiting on the visa but it is taking long and I wanted to quit this job really soon. I am concerned though that if the process takes longer and I approach the date in mind this leaves little notice for my current job. On the other hand, mentally I dont think I can continue there after the date set in my mind and I dont want to give notice before securing the job. I was hired under a company and they require 5 days but the lab company that I was placed in should need more than 5 days. Professionally I know 2 weeks is acceptable and starting from friday 8th sep 2 weeks ends on the date I had set mentally. But for that to work I need to get the visa acceptance tomorrow and this seems unlikely. Should I just put in the notice this week or wait ?
Is the 2 weeks notice that important?
Also, what can I do mentally to help me from obsessing over my health. I already feel so sick having thought about tomorrow.

It sounds to me as if there are two concerns going on...forgive me but this is simply the impression I got...that you have concern for your safety and perhaps some OCD, maybe only due to the job which is understandable. One more thing, our minds are very good at tricking us. Basically, whatever you think about the most, your mind will think its important and will bring it up. Yes, I have looked up lists of symptoms on occasion for something I was feeling when a doctor couldn't find anything wrong or didn't check for the right things.So it is more likely that your mind is causing your body to follow suit in pleasing you about the concerns you have most often, so its acting out the symptoms, when you may not have anything at all. If what everyone was working with was that deadly or contagious, then there would be more people than you suffering symptoms as well. Even so, it sounds like this job is not a good match for you. So if a job agency helped place you there, find out what rules they have, if a temp agency. Otherwise, I assume you owe them cash for finding you this job. If I were you, sanity of mind is more important to me, and so I might not give 2 weeks notice but also wouldn't quit without notice. Maybe give 2 or 3 days. That gives them time to call the same agency that placed you and tell them to find another person immediately. They may not get someone right away, but Its more likely you can find some work for at least minimum wage by working a fast food joint or something like that while still looking for your ultimate job/career choice. Even I worked fast food at middle age for 2 full years. Its a way to bring in some income, even if you have to really pinch things and be very tight with money for a while.

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I currently have a bf and we are doing long distance. I'm still in school and he's working back home to save up for our future (we've talked about marriage). However over the past year of us being apart it has made me question if he is the right guy for me.

My dilemma is that he is and has been the best bf I could ever ask for. He loves me unconditionally, supports me, seen me at my worst and yet still loves and worships me. He would literally do anything to the best of his abilities to make me happy. He is completely different from any of the exes I've been with and that's what drew me to him. On the flip side the one thing that I find lacking in him and our relationship is the sense where I feel like he inspires me to grow to be the best version of myself. Although he's comfortable and makes me feel safe, I don't feel that he motivates me to grow. On his days off, he usually stays in bed and plays games, watches anime and stuff like that... Which is fine to a certain extent but I sometimes I just wish he would do something more proactive. In the past, the kind of guys that I normally date and have been attracted to have always been "go getters" which always kept me on my toes and made me want to be better just like them. However every single guy that I dated that were go getters would end up being selfish and not care enough about me. Now that I've gotten a taste of both kinds of characteristics I just don't know what to do with my current relationship..

In the span of 6 months I have developed two crushes with guys who are go getters and make me feel inspired.. I find myself really attracted to them which makes me fantasize what it would be like to date them instead. I feel horrible for thinking this way because my bf is working hard to save up for our future but he keeps telling me that he feels neglected (I've slowly kind of distanced myself away from from him because I was starting to feel confused with my feelings) .. on top of that his family literally treats me as if I'm their daughter in law already and so in a way I feel obligated to be in this relationship and see it through. I don't know if this is just a phase I'm feeling because of the distance. In your opinion, is it better to be with someone in the long run who's supportive, loyal, loves unconditionally, and safe or is it better to be with someone who inspires me to be the best version of myself and ultimately helps me reach my full potential? I'm scared that if I leave, and I go for someone who's a go getter that it will end up biting me in the butt again (they will end up being way to selfish)...I'm so conflicted I don't know what to do

I have to agree on one thing for sure, that you have to really feel sure before you can commit to a future with any guy. I don't know if the words you are using are being interpreted correctly by me, but it sounds like as great as he is, there are some things that give you concern. It sounds like 'motivating you" is something you want but for the most part I feel that other than receiving compliments about your strengths, your strengths being recognized, you are looking for someone to motivate you when that is really something you do from deep within your self. If a guy plays down all your strengths or tries to talk you out of something you want to do, then its not the right guy. This one likes sitting in bed, playing games, all things that aren't bad but ten years from now, if that is the only activity he does in spare time, instead of out hiking, swimming, biking or something else that you both could do away from home, you may find you can no longer tolerate it. When you say proactive, it sounds to me like you want a guy who is more than "a coach potato" the term from my generation describing what you said the current boyfriends down time is like. Too many kids today are raised with technology to entertain just their minds, but people do not know what it is like to be outdoors doing some fun activity. To help with all the confusion tho, following is a document I have pasted in called 'Looking for Mr. Right'. It helped me after a divorce, when looking for another marriage partner and that at age 50. So this thing about making good relationship choices isn't taught, but we stumble across at some point in life and it just took me a heck of a lot longer. So here it is...long answer for you but theres no way to shorten this kind of advice.


How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be 'I want a guy who wants to have kids' or 'I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry','I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief', 'I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.' “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user.”
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the 'what you want', like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.

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I am a 34 year old female and I was this amazing guy for almost 11 months and out of the blew he calls me on his way home from work and says we need to talk. I knew when he said that it wasn't good . He picked up from my mom's house where I live and I get in the car and saw the look on his face like he was about to cry and I said you are about to break up with me aren't you? He says yes. He says I didn't do anything wrong he just fell out of love , but the thing is up until the time he picked me up to tell me there were no signs. We never fought. Everything seemed great. He does have Bipolar disorder. But he never got mad . He just got real happy one minute and really depressed the next . He still wants to be friends. I am going through so mixed emotions right now. I sleep all the time . I can barely keep anything down that I eat or drink. I have been seeing a counselor ever since the break up. He says if ever need just to call . I am so confused. Why would he break up with me and still be supportive? He promised me that the only way he would leave me is if I cheated. I didn't do that. He said he didn't think it was fair for me to be in the relationship with a guy who didn't feel the same way I did about him . He didn't want want to lead me on. He waited a couple of weeks to tell me to make sure it wasn't his Bipolar disorder but he still felt the same way after a couple of weeks. I tell my mom for support and comfort and she says he is a jerk for breaking up with me when I didn't do anything no fight . She sends him a FB message saying that he was wrong for telling me spur of the moment like that . I wish she would have stayed out of it. He says he understands why she didn't it because I am autistic he says all she she said was I loved him with a pure and innocent heart and he said she right ,but he didn't feel the same way anymore. What do ido to fix my broken heart ? He was my first love. Mom didn't want me to talk to him until my heart heals. Is right or is she being over protective because of my autism, sensory processing disorder and anxiety? Do I need to get my counselor to send me to a mental health hospital. Help!

I know this will sound off track but it isn't, I promise. Now think back to when you were a kid and hoping real hard that you would get what you wanted for a Birthday or Christmas. You wanted it so bad you could almost taste it. Well, once you got it, you had fun every day, then eventually it wasn't every day but a couple times a week, then once a week and eventually you forgot all about it because in truth, that item wasn't really perfect for you or it would have held your attention long term. This is what I can best explain about chemistry When two people get so excited about each other in the beginning, that is called NRE, New Relationship Energy. Can't remember where I read about it but I have experienced it. You are so excited in the beginning. This NRE is almost like a drug in the 'high' it gives a person over a new relationship. If the chemistry is there for friendship, that is good but in a romantic relationship there needs to be a second chemistry higher than that, the kind that brings intimacy and sexual love for the other person. Sometimes both will feel it, the lack of chemistry, and sometimes only one such as in your situation. Your boyfriend felt it. He waited to make sure it wasn't his bipolar which really wouldn't affect something like this. The dwindling of that same kind of energy he felt at first was so subtle that he didn't notice and therefore acted as if everything was still the same. But at some point in looking back to the beginning to how he felt now, he could see the change and realized he no longer felt that chemistry (because there never really was, just NRE) So he had to tell you the best he could understand, the best most humans can understand, that he fell out of love. There is no blame on either of you, neither of you had to do something wrong, but eventually the excitement of the new relationship wore off and there was no chemistry to keep it going on. His saying he'd like to be friends still may be genuine and nothing weird. He probably does eel friendship chemistry...why you connect with certain people as friends and not others, no matter how nice they are. That explains one thing.
Now on to your reaction. If you are sleeping all the time, most likely you are depressed from feeling blindsided by this all. Happened to one of my daughters. I had family in my life who were clinically depressed and others like my daughter who was only situationally depressed. I studied and read up on all this but found it in bits and pieces here and there. So I will have to explain instead of refer you to a page that explains all.
Our brains are constructed to be able to keep on producing 'feel good' hormones which help us deal with stress on a daily basis. These hormones are like the gas we put in our car that makes it work. If the tank is empty, the car won't run. Same if you use up all your stores of 'feel good' hormones, and don't do what is the equivalent of putting gas in your car, being empty, the next stressful event in your life sends you straight to depression. Does a person need pills to handle a situational depression, I haven't heard of any yet. I did get most of what I know from reading books by a dr David D. Burns who used to prescribe drugs to all his patients until a colleague told him about a new way to counsel, using CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. His books and website explain more so I will post that here for you at the end. I have read what a person must do to get their body building up the stores of hormones you lost dealing with stress. Life is stressful, even driving to work, having to be watchful of bad drivers out there not to mention lots of other stuff. I came across a list of what helps the body kick start the production of much needed 'feel good' hormones. Movement is one. In any form, walking, jogging, dancing, exercise, so I choose skipping as i used to do as a child. In seconds, I was already giggling and feeling better. Along with dancing is listening to music where the melody of the song makes your heart feel light, like a balloon that might float out of your chest. Singing such songs also works. For example, songs melodies that work for me are Clocks by Coldplay and a Newsboys song, Live with Abandon. Another is giving a hug, because you can't give one without getting one back. If you know any huggy sorts, ask them for a hug and don't make it the 2 second loose hug but a real bear hug where you hold on for 5 seconds or more. This kind of hug also helps the body start producing feel good hormones. Last is meditation, not the middle Eastern philosophy kind but just taking time to quiet your mind and think of pleasant things, happy memories or even pray if you so believe. If you don't believe this stuff yet, here's the best part of the story. My daughter got this list from me, but didn't believe it could help. So through her job, she took her one free visit to a Psychologist to see what they could do for her. Since this person knew her's was a situational depression, not depression she's had long term unrelated to the recent event, and the fact that she couldn't afford to come back for multiple visits, the Dr. gave her a list of things she could do to feel better. It was the exact stuff I had tried to tell her about, the same things I am sharing with you. If you do all these things and there is no improvement what so ever, then it may be that you have clinical depression, meaning a body born without the ability to produce its own feel good hormones. Only then would you need to see someone, but I still would suggest someone trained in CBT which has now been around at least 40 years or more. Lastly I am posting the link to the website of Dr. David D. Burns which not surprisingly has the words feeling good in it.

https://feelinggood.com/

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I was on the toilet, obviously defecating…. I wiped my bottom as normal, but some poop ended up getting on my finger. I was so disgusted and washed my hands about 10 times thoroughly to ensure every last trace was gone.

Now, I’m a nail-biter so cut to a few hours later when I was just biting my nails and all of a sudden I could smell poop. I told my siblings and my mom in the house with me that I was worried- they said maybe it was just me that needs a shower. It most certainly isn’t- I can quite easily distinguish between the “needs a shower” stench and the “poop” stench. Then I get a weird tingly feeling in the back of my throat (a similar sensation to when you have phlegm, only no phlegm was coming up) and realise that this must be the poop. I’m not sure what to do or how to get rid of it- I’ve brushed my teeth and took multiple swigs of mouthwash but still have that sensation- I’m certain I’ve ingested some poop- I’m worried about my breath and how it will absolutely reek now. Please help.

Researchers found that bacteria that cause vomiting and diarrhea are often found under people's fingernails. The culprits? Changing diapers, poor bathroom hygiene and handling raw meat--all can leave behind unwanted guests under your nails. So if you are a nail biter, this is more likely to affect you. When I was being trained to be a caregiver, one part of lesson was on proper cleaning of the hands. We were told germs hide on the nails where it meets the skin or under and also beneath rings you might wear. We were provided with nail brushes even to scrub under the nails and when done, The teacher used a blacklight, turning off the bathroom lights so that we could see the evidence of remaining germs and we all had plenty still. So there is a good chance you ingested a small amount. As to how much or little it takes to give any symptoms or cause any health conditions I can't say. Although my guess is that having a healthier immune system is a good thing as our bodies naturally get submitted to germs on a daily basis and most often we never become ill. If you are concerned about odor from your mouth, the little you might have ingested from under your nails will not change your breath on an ongoing basis. If you are having throat issues or bad breath issues, my guess is that the nail biting incidence is just a coincidence. However you may have other issues. If your throat becomes worse in how it feels, it may be time to see an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist which can be referred to you be your general doctor. If you are experiencing foul odor from your mouth, it may be a condition where the food you eat becomes trapped in little pockets of flesh in the back of your throat and remain stuck there while decaying and that causes a very bad odor that never goes away until a doctor (specialist again) removes the stuck bits of decayed food from your throat. If you had this issue, you would have heard from every family member that your breath when even just speaking, is really bad and this is an ongoing issue over a long amount of time, not something that shows up all of a sudden, it developes over time and is not caused by poop though decayed food trapped in the skin of your throat can smell like it.

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