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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I am an 18-year-old female and I feel as though my boyfriend controls me. He limits the girls I can talk to and talking to guys is definitely out of the question. In turn I feel as though I should do the same to him, so I do. Except I won't simply tell him to not go out at all. I will tell him to not go out 5 times a week, get drunk with his friends and pick up underage girls. Yet, I still feel guilty for telling him not to do this because I feel as though I have stooped down to his level and that I am now controlling him. He makes me feel this way as well. I love him, we are very close and have been dating for a long while, but what should I do?
The Answer
Controlling in a relationship is wrong.
You can't make it right by trying to control him the way he controls you. You can only make it right by refusing to control him, and refusing to let him control you.
So, you should start talking to the people you want too.
You can explain it to him this way "I have always been true to you and honest with you, you have no reason not to trust me. Your controlling behavior isn't fair, because I have done nothing wrong and it makes me think you don't trust me. I am going to start hanging out with the people I choose too. I want you to know that I love you and will always be true to you but I hope you respect my choices, even if you don't always like them."
A loving relationship can survive this. He can change and so can you. If he is uncomfortable about certain people, his feelings should be listened to and respected, but that doesn't mean he gets to order you around.
Stand up for yourself and take this step to change the dynamic in your relationship. It will make you happier and more secure in his affection for you too.
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The Question
i don't want to have to change my tampon during school, but i'm afraid of getting TSS. if i left it in all day i would have it in from 6:30-3. that is like 8 1/2 hours. i know that your not suppose to wear it for more than 8 hours, but what are my chances of actually getting TSS if i do this? thanks :]
The Answer
It's possible you could get TSS but not too likely. It's far more likely that you will get some leakage if you wear a tampon that long.
Either change your tampon (lots of people do it, there are little boxes right there in the stalls for you too) or wear a thin pad along with the tampon, just to avoid embarrassment and the icky feeling.
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The Question
i've been having yeast infections lately, my doctor told me to buy the over the counter stuff. so i did and got rid of it. well me and my boyfrind ended up having sex two days after i was done with the medicine ((finished saturday. sex on monday)). in a way i could feel it comin back but i didn't think it was that. wed. me and my boyfriend had sex again. and now i have the yast infection AGAIN! i plan on buying the meds again but i was woundering that bC i had sex in such a short time after i finished the meds is that why it came back again? also how long should i wait to have sex again when i finish there next meds? ((my boyfriends is buy it for me this weekend))
The Answer
You don't need to wait more then a day or two after you finish the medication to have sex again. As soon as the medication has leaked out of your body, as some of it is sure to do, you are fine to have sex.
What you should do, is have your boyfriend go a doctor. Men can yeast infections too, and they notoriously don't notice them! (Apparently they aren't nearly so annoying for the guy as they are for the girl.)
If your guy has gotten a yeast infection you and him can pass it back and forth forever and ever! So he needs to be checked out and treated as well. If he has a penile (or mouth) yeast infection, he'll just get some ointment to treat it. No big.
If he comes back clean, go back to your doctor and explain the situation. They can delve into the problem a bit deeper and find out what is going on. You might simply have gotten back-to-back yeast infections, it can happen, but I would check out your boyfriend before you do anything else.
Last bit of advice: Unless you notice the yeast infection immediately you should really use a three-day treatment, not a one-day. One-days are only effective if you use them in the first day or two of the infection.
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The Question
I'm going to europe this sunday. I need to straighten my hair or i won't look good! I wanna pack it but I can't hide it because they'll look through my dad and my dad will see the straightner and he won't let me do it! Is there something I can say or do... where am I gunna put it!
Thanks
The Answer
Dear, unless you are staying on an American cruise ship you wont be able to use your straightener anyways.
The plugs in Europe are different from an American plug. The outlets are shaped differently and provide a different amount of power. Unless you have a converter (which you could buy for about $10 - $20 bucks) no American appliance will even work.
If you do have a converter, wrap the straightened in your underwear or put it in tied close bag with your shampoo and other hair products, throw it in your swim bag if you have one, anything were it is covered will work. Underwear or pajama rolls are particularly good, since your dad wouldn't likely look in them, put a thick sweater works too.
But really, is anyone you know going to see you in Europe? If not, why do you even care about the straightener. Stranger's wont give a damn about your hair and it's just more to lug around the airport. My advice would be to just leave the damn thing at home.
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The Question
Hi there. This is the first time asking advice like this. First let me start by saying. I am a 31 years old man.
now for my problem.
I have been with the same woman for 12-13 years. we have had 2 children together, one of whom passed away last year and the other that was just born this year. Lately we've been going throughsome rough times. She has been playing with my emotions. A virtual rollercoaster ride. One day i try to cuddle get intimate, and she'll say "We shouldn't do this" the next she's kissing me pationately. The problem i have, is that i have feelings for her how ever dwindled that they are, while exhibiting feelings for another woman. One who has captivated me over the last few weeks.
My issue is i don't feel that the relationship i am in is going anywhere. but with my new born baby i am kind of in a bind. thus my title. I am torn between 2 loves. Or three if you add in my newborn.
please help me figure out what i should do.
The Answer
I will be totally honest with (i.e. harsh) I think it is both impossible and grossly unfair to try and figure out if a marriage has any life left in it when your affections have already wandered elsewhere.
Your wife surely has her flaws, and you have both suffered the most awful loss a parent can suffer. You might be completely right about the relationship being over, but how can you presume to make that decisions if 1.) She is unaware of your feelings and 2.) You are already detaching from the marriage and are choosing somebody else over your wife.
If you honor the your vows and intentions you had when you first entered your marriage, talk to your wife. Be firm and very clear about what is bothering you, not about what is wrong with her, but the hurt you feel, and suggest couple's counseling. Even if she flat out refuses, go to counseling yourself to work out your conflicting emotions and how to deal with them in the best way for everyone, yourself, your wife, and your child.
This is really tough time in your life, and in your wife's life, and you know you have responsibilities to your family. If your marriage is over, that is fine and you can deal with that as best as you can, get yourself out of a dead relationship and start living your life again. But the only way to be true to your responsibilities as a father and as a husband is to approach counseling (and if necessary, divorce) with as clear a mind as possible. A cheater can't do that.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago and he's gotten over me easily, but I just can't get over him. Every boy I go out with no matter even if I didn't like them a lot I still can't get over them. I've been trying to find hott guys and I've found some and they asked me out but I turn all of them down because I love my ex. My ex has moved on and won't even answer my calls or anything. We blocked eachother, we arn't friends on myspace, and I just deleted his number so there is no way I can talk to him. But I still can't get over him. Even when I see a wicked hott guy I just don't get the same feeling I did when I was with my boyfriend. How do I get over him??
The Answer
You get over a relationship when you give yourself time to get over it. You only broke up a few days ago babe!
Unless your ex was a completely soulless freak of nature, he isn't over the breakup either. So stop thinking that he is just because some people tell you so. Besides that, you don't need to want another guy in your life just because your ex has moved on, those two things are completely unrelated. Don't judge yourself based on him. Take care of yourself.
Give yourself some time babe. It's okay to be upset! It's okay not to be interested in other guys when you are upset! It's okay to still have feelings for someone even though you've decided the relationship wouldn't work out.
If you still haven't gotten over him in two months, then start to worry. For now, eat copious amounts of ice cream, cry your eyes out, watch Jackie Chan movies, whatever you want to do to mourn the loss of the relationship! Give yourself a break. Good people don't just pick up after a break up and move on, good people deal with the loss, and move on when they are good and ready.
You might really miss having a boyfriend, but you don't need one right now and you'll find a much better guy when you are actually ready to look for one, so don't force something that doesn't fit.
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The Question
How much does a Divorce cost?
Say... no children, no going for the throat, a mutual separation, and splitting everything straight down the middle - as smooth and simple as something so tragic and complicated, could be.. A couple in their mid-twenties, both with white-collar jobs, if that matters?
The Answer
Most states have a fee of about $100 to $200 for filing the papers for divorce. If you and your husband are completely in agreement you are able to file your own divorce and avoid all those hefty lawyers fees. It will take you waaay more time to file for your own divorce, fill the forms and submit all the other supporting documents then it will for an attorney to work it out for you, but it will be cheaper.
But divorce forms and practices vary an amazing amount from state to state. You'll need to get state-specific forms and advice.
If you are an American, your local family court clerk should be able to give you a list of forms that you need and maybe even provide some of them. You can also get do it yourself divorce kits from some books stores and places like Grand and Toy and Staples.
To hire an attorney to manage your divorce for you will cost you at the very least about $1000 (that's if you truly don't have any contested issues) although $1500 to $2000 might be more realistic.
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The Question
hey
i'm in need advice of my penis
i'm 17
how to increse the size of my penis as it only 5.3" inches long
and i feel that it does not produce much sperms just only like once a week
and only get erected 2 to 3 time per day is this normal or need anything to do
but i need advice to abt incresing the size o my penis
i hpe this ? willbe answered effeciently
thanx
The Answer
There is no healthy way to increase the size of your penis. Products that claim to be able to increase its size are scams.
If you are worried about your health or virility, see a doctor. They can check to make sure everything is functioning properly.
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The Question
My dad was in a bad car accident a few days ago and he's still in the hospital. The doctors say he's stable but he's in a...coma. Which I don't even understand because how can he be stable if he's in a coma?
Well I'm supposed to be moving out in like, 10 days because I'm starting college and I'm moving 4 hours away. The thing is though, I don't want to leave my mom and my sister if my dad isn't conscious by then. I don't know what to do because I'm so scared about my dad and I don't want to leave.
Classes don't start until the 30th but move in day is in 10 days. I don't have to move in by moving day but I know I have to be there by the first day of classes. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to pay attention during class knowing that my dad is in the hospital. I just don't know what to do, I'm so confused.
The Answer
Call your college and explain your situation to the registers office, ask what you can do and what you need to do to make it work.
Colleges aren't huge evil corporations, they actually want you to learn and succeed. They have people on pay roll whose job it is to help students who find themselves in terrible situations like you are.
Stay at home and focus on your family if you feel that is what you need to do. Your college will understand. When you call them, ask about deadlines for changing your mind, dropping courses, how many classes you are allowed to miss, getting contact and information from your teachers, and anything else you can think of that you will need to know. You don't have to commit to anything right now, but find out the details and write them down. That will help you make your decision when the time comes, but for the next few weeks just be there for your family.
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The Question
I'm 16/f and not all that great at singing. I'm okay but I want to get better. I want to try out for my school's show choir, and the try outs are early this year like in the next few weeks. I need some good tips on what to do, how to sound better. Anything from anyone who knows what they are talking about will be helpful.
The Answer
I'm not much of a singer to be honest; I just work with a lot of them. Singing wise, it's best to get the opinion of someone who can actually hear you sing. If you know anyone who is already in the choir, or the sort of songs they sung last year, you could use that to help you choose your songs and the way you approach them. You don't need to dazzle a choirmaster with your range. If your voice isn't too well trained, just pick a simpler song and focus on making the notes clear and true.
For a day or two before your audition, try to stay away from dairy products, ice cream, yogurt and the such. They create more mucus in the throat and muddle sound. Tea is the exact opposite and is very good for your throat, opens everything up and
Remember that choirmasters aren't looking for the best singers necessarily. They are looking for a voice that will meld well with the rest of the choir and a singer who is keen and pays attention. So be prepared, dress nicely, and smile.
Best of luck.
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The Question
My sister is a boyfriend stealer. She went out with my boyfriend when i still liked him and she almost had sex with him. Now my sister is trying to steal my best friend's boyfriend away from her. Her boyfriend and my sister say there is nothing to worry about but when they are online talking they say things like she wants to take a shower with him and she wants to have sex with him. We tried talking to her but she always says she only likes him as a friend. What should we do?
The Answer
Ignore her.
It takes two people to cheat. Yes, your sister is being a brat and a bitch, but no one 'steals' a boyfriend. Boyfriends leave. They decide to cheat.
If you friend's boyfriend is going to cheat on her, it will happen eventually, no matter what you sister does or says. She might provide him with the opportunity to cheat, but he still has to choose to do it.
If her boyfriend isn't going to cheat, then it wont happen, no matter what your sister does or says.
If your friend can trust her boyfriend when he says there is nothing going on, that's great. If she can't, she needs to not be with him. It really isn't about your stupid sister at all! It's never about the 'other women'; it's about the two people in the relationship. Your friend is going to have to figure out what she really believes is going on, and whether she is willing to be in this relationsuhip.
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The Question
is it necessary to breast feed? like does it HAVE to be done or will the formula stuff work just as well ?
The Answer
It's isn't absolutely necessary to breastfeed, but most doctors will agree that if it's possible for the mother to breastfeed it is better for the baby then formula.
Breast milk is the perfect baby food, easy to digest, completely free, and good for the mother too as it seems to speed up the healing and help her loose weight. The biggest advantage of breast milk over formula though is the antibodies passed from mom to her baby, they help to fight infections and boost the baby's immune system a good deal
This is a great website, a bit much to read, but it discusses the pros and cons about breastfeeding and formula feeding: http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/growth/feeding/breast_bottle_feeding.html
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The Question
Today, I did one of the workouts in they had in Seventeen magazine. It was the first time I did it. After, I felt kind of shaky and exhausted. I felt like "woozy". Is there something wrong?
The Answer
Slow it down a bit and make sure you are breathing with each repetition. It's okay to feel a bit tipsy after a good workout, but it could also mean that you aren't breathing well during your workout.
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The Question
I don't know if this could go in this category because there's no category for personal problems. MY problem is that I can't take it anymore when people act like I'm their bitch. They don't really act it but I see expressions in their face that tells me and it makes me mad. I think it's wrong and disrespectful and I want them to stop already. Been going on for 2 years and I wish people would get over it. Then my family keeps comparing me with some group of people that I really hate. I am 19 years old.
The Answer
Speak up for yourself.
It's very difficult to advise someone who isn't happy with the expressions on others faces, it seems very possible to me that you are inferring more from their expression then they really mean, but I do know that people never change and cannot treat you better until you tell them you are unhappy.
Try and stay calm and express exactly what it is that is bothering you. Saying things like it's in their expression or they are treating you like their bitch are very very very vague. People can't fix things if they have no clue what you are talking about! You need to be really specific or people have trouble changing. See if you can fit your complaints into a sentence like this "I don't like it when you say/do "blank". I feel really hurt by it. Could you please do "blank" instead?"
An expression is a hard thing to change though, and if that is really the only thing that is bothering you (you did say it was nothing that they *did* that was the problem) you might be happier if you simply didn't look the offending parties in the face when you speak to them.
If there is a deeper issue here, a reason you think they are failing to respect you, then you should probably try and speak to them about that rather then focusing on something like the look on thier faces.
Good Luck.
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The Question
IS this site really for free because I think people that gives their advice here must be paid somehow? who created this site and did it cost money?
The Answer
DangerNerd owns and operates this site, but he certainly doesn't get paid. He actually spends a good deal of his own money (I seem to remember reading something about a few hundred dollars a month, although it could be more) just to keep this site running for us all.
No columnist gets paid by Advicenators, not a single one. Not the moderators either, not anybody. Our only reward is the warm fuzzy feeling we get inside for helping people out.
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The Question
You dont know the whole story. You seem like you have great advice but im curious to see what you have to say if i give the whole story. My boyfrineds name is nick. Nick and i met two years ago and talked on aim very small chit hcat this year we started talking again and he asked to finally meet me. We met through myspac and yes i know isnt the safest thing. We began talking on the phone and thats where i really fell for him we would talk about just everything. 2 months passed and we wereboth commited we didnt know that the otehr wasnt dating but we didnt want to really declare ourselves a couple till we met. We met last week and so far we have met maybe about 6 times within two weeks. Since weve gotten to know eachotehr very well we really fell fast. Ive met his father and his moteher but with small chit chat. I also met his friend who now im told only made trhee comments of me "Shes hot" "Nice ass" and "You got lucky on myspace" so i dont think he hates me. im just not comfrotable hanging out with them yet. I dont make my boyfriend hang out with my friends yet. I mean come on we want to just be us for awhile. does this change anything? Or no not really lol
The Answer
No, not really.
It makes me a little less of a hard ass, because it means you haven't been officially 'dating' for two months, but I still stand by my advice.
I do really understand your feeling that you want to keep it 'just us'. It's a new relationship, it's fresh and fun being just the two of you, and hopefully it will continue to be fun being just the two of you.
But no relationship is an island. No two people, no matter how much in love, can exist in a vacuum. Other people are in this world. I'm not so much worried about you not knowing his friends, as I am upset by the fact you seem to not even want to consider knowing his friends, or him knowing yours. As much as you love it being the two of you, that just doesn't make sense! If you try desperately to change the topic of conversation if he even brings it up then that is just fear ruling you!
At the very least, be honest with your boyfriend about why you aren't keen to meet these people. Then he will know, he might even agree and decide to wait a while too.
But regardless, I hope you know that introducing your boy to friends doesn't mean an end to the two of you. You don't have to hang out in a big group of friends if you don't want too! You can tell your friends: "I'm so glad you met him, cause he is important to me, but most of the time I just like hanging out with my friends when I am with my friends, and my boyfriend when I'm with my boyfriend." And you can talk about the exact same thing with your boyfriend, so he knows you don't want to hang out with his friends all the time either.
Doing that is actually waaaay better then putting off the meeting. There is no real rush to meet everyone in his life. I'm sorry if I sort of sounded like there was. Your having met only a few weeks ago rather changes that, but I still think you shouldn't deliberately putting off the meeting people.
There will always be other people in your significant others life who will have a claim to his affections, be them family or friends, maybe someday children! You got to be cool with that. So stop working yourself up over this, and just let people met. It doesn't need to be a big ordeal or a special 'meet-and-greet' night, it can be low-key, just be open to letting it happen when it does.
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The Question
So me and my friend were making a frozen pizza and when I got the pizza tray out of the oven I used an oven mitt but STILL burned the skin between my thumb and pointer finger ANYWAY!!!!! It's ridiculous...but seriously it hurts really really really really really freakin bad unless I hold ice on it pretty much all the time...I have to work and do a bunch of other stuff tomorrow and definitely cant' be holding ice on it 24/7 all day so how can I make it feel better by tomorrow. PLEASE HELP!!!!!! Thanks in advance.
The Answer
EDIT: It probably isn't relieving the pain as well as the ice dear, but what you asked it how to make it feel better by tomorrow. If you keep using ice, tomorrow it will be just as bad if not worse. If you suck it up and suffer through, keep applying cool water, not cold, it will heal properly and much quicker. You don't have to like it, it is still the truth. No website will tell you differently, so take some Advil and try and get a decent nights sleep.
Take the ice off now. Ice is not the way to treat a burn, not ever. Ice can cause further damage to the skin.
You probably have a first-degree burn, but just incase it's a second-degree burn, I'll include directions for that as well.
A first-degree burn should be soaked in cool water then treated with aloe vera cream or something similar. You could protect it with gauze bandage if you need too, any first aid kit will have some in it.
So, first-degree burns turn white when you press on the skin, if yours doesn't turn white, its probably second degree.
So, if you have a second-degree burn soak the burn in cool water for a whole 15 minutes. Then put a cool cloth on it for a while (keep doing this each day, it will help) and don't put gauze on it because it will stick, leave it open for a while and if you do put something over it, make sure it's a non-stick dressing.
First-degree burns usually heal in 3 to 6 days.
Second-degree burns usually heal in 2 to 3 weeks.
Either way, just wear gloves tomorrow if you can. It will still hurt and you can take Advil or some such to help dull the pain but a cool cloth on the burns for a minute or two will help when it gets really bad.
*All of this info was ganked from http://familydoctor.org/638.xml, a good place to check if you ever have a problem*
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The Question
My long-term boyfriend & I have recently started having sex. He wasn't a virgin but I was (I'm 18, he's 19). The sex is getting better each time too. The thing is, sometimes he'll make a face or we'll like bump heads by accident & I'll think it's hilarious. He doesn't think so, and stays so serious. I would like to lighten the mood a bit and get him to loosen up even though sex is serious, but how do I go about doing that?
The Answer
Talk to him about it.
I'm right there with you on this one! Sure, sex is serious, but it's also one of life's biggest jokes. You have to see the humor in it.
But laughing, without talking about the humor you see in it first, will probably make him insecure or feel like he is being laughed at. Like all pleasures when it comes to sex, the pleasure of a good laugh must be mutual or just causes trouble.
So talk to him about what you find it funny, explain how that is okay and it is one of the ways you show your enjoyment. Explain you aren't laughing at him but that you think laughing, even about sex, is an important part of a relationship. Sex should be fun! Laughing is part of fun!
If he is still shy about it, put your own dignity on the line and try doing something funny at your own expense during sex (farting loudly might be a good one, it can be pretty easy to pull off during sex) and encourage both of you to laugh at that.
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The Question
i took drivers ed in june and i have my permit completed all my drive times and everything
and im not a bad driver
but i hate driving
i was terrified of it for like 12 years
and i still dont like it
my parents are always trying to get me to drive
b/c they want me to get practice
and i understand that
but im not like mentally or even emotionally okay with driving yet. im just not comfortable driving
ive told my parents this over and over
and they still bug me to drive all the time
i keep telling them that it has to be my idea
but they wont listen
someone please helppppp!!!!!!!
The Answer
The very best way to get your parents off you back is to say yes next time they ask you to drive. Insist you drive on quite roads, maybe even just practice parking in an empty lot, but say yes, and just do it.
Take it as slowly and carefully as you want, but the only way you will more comfortable is if you suck it up and do it. You will only get more and more nervous if you avoid it like this and you'll just keep arguing with your parents about the same damn thing.
If you don't learn to drive, it will cause you trouble I promise. It is not easy to live without a license, and the older you get the more difficult it is to learn and get the practice time you need. Trust me, I put off getting my full license until I was 21, it's a pain in the butt to try and organize driving around a university life. Get it out of the way now, even if you avoid driving and aren't really comfortable with it for the rest of your life, it's a good thing to have, and it's easiest to do when you are in high school.
Your parents know that. They want you to have every opportunity you can have. They don't want you to miss out on something because you can't drive.
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The Question
I lost my virginity about 2 months ago
aand I've only had sex 4 times
but recently I've been using a dildo and it hurts and stuff, but I keep going anyway because I want the pain to go away.
But now I'm really red and I kind of hurt
"downthere"
Could I have an STD?
or is this normal?
The Answer
If masturbation hurts, stop. If sex every hurts, stop.
Continuing will make it worse, not make it go away.
If you had unprotected sex, it would certainly be worth it to have a doctor check you out for STDS
But first and foremost, stop using the damn dildo! Too much friction can cause swelling and pain, especially if the dildo you have is too long or if you aren't using enough lubricant.
So stop for a little while, let your body heal, and then gently explore how much is enjoyable with plenty of lubricant. You don't need to pound away at yourself to get pleasure; in fact treating your vagina too harshly can numb the sensations you do feel. So don't be stupid about your body; don't do something to it that only causes it pain.
If the pain continues or persists, see a doctor.
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