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Torn between two loves

Question Posted Tuesday August 15 2006, 8:32 am

Hi there. This is the first time asking advice like this. First let me start by saying. I am a 31 years old man.

now for my problem.

I have been with the same woman for 12-13 years. we have had 2 children together, one of whom passed away last year and the other that was just born this year. Lately we've been going throughsome rough times. She has been playing with my emotions. A virtual rollercoaster ride. One day i try to cuddle get intimate, and she'll say "We shouldn't do this" the next she's kissing me pationately. The problem i have, is that i have feelings for her how ever dwindled that they are, while exhibiting feelings for another woman. One who has captivated me over the last few weeks.

My issue is i don't feel that the relationship i am in is going anywhere. but with my new born baby i am kind of in a bind. thus my title. I am torn between 2 loves. Or three if you add in my newborn.

please help me figure out what i should do.

[ Answer this question ]

Additional info, added Saturday August 19 2006, 2:00 am:
need to add a few things here to clarify a few things.

My other half and i are not married. We have never gotten married for other reasons that are not relavant to the issues we've been having. Another thing. This has been happening now for the past 4 or 5 years, and has just now reached the boiling point. The other woman and i have known each other for a few years and we've both been there for each other as friends for our relationship problems. It is that reason i find myself falling in love with her. We've moved closer to eachother in the feelings we share. All the while my current 'spouse', i'll not deny the fact that we are common-law married, have been drifting apart.

My other half wishes to rectify our problems but i am unsure now if i want to or not. She hurt me after I asked this question by lashing out for no reason whatsoever and said that this relationship is over.

Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?

illdomybest answered Saturday August 19 2006, 1:35 am:
read every bit of this

doesnt it seem odd that after 12 years youve realized its not going any where.your not torn between two loves. youve only known the other woman for a few weeks. the real problem is the death of your child. why dont you consider how its affecting your your self a favor seek family counseling. this other woman is more then likely just something you see as an escape out of a problem your not sure how to resolve. show alittle respect for yourself and family

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BitsandPieces answered Tuesday August 15 2006, 10:18 pm:
Well, you already know what you SHOULD do, don'tcha? Your child died last year and now you have another child, that is a ton of emotional stress. The affair that you started is probably a self-indulgent attempt to escape the pain of loss, the work of marriage, and the responsibility of fatherhood. Maybe you have been distancing yourself from your wife emotionally and she is as confused as you are. The woman who has "captivated" you is not the woman you love, but a convenient pawn. If you care about this other woman at all, you won't drag her into your mess. Enjoy the days your wife can let go of her pain enough to show you love. Be supportive on the days she is exhausted and worn down emotionally. You are not torn between two loves. Love is doing something unselfishly for the good of another. Have you been doing any of that lately? Free yourself away from the captivity of fantasy and make a decision that will speak of the reality of your decision to love.

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Razhie answered Tuesday August 15 2006, 9:04 pm:
I will be totally honest with (i.e. harsh) I think it is both impossible and grossly unfair to try and figure out if a marriage has any life left in it when your affections have already wandered elsewhere.

Your wife surely has her flaws, and you have both suffered the most awful loss a parent can suffer. You might be completely right about the relationship being over, but how can you presume to make that decisions if 1.) She is unaware of your feelings and 2.) You are already detaching from the marriage and are choosing somebody else over your wife.

If you honor the your vows and intentions you had when you first entered your marriage, talk to your wife. Be firm and very clear about what is bothering you, not about what is wrong with her, but the hurt you feel, and suggest couple's counseling. Even if she flat out refuses, go to counseling yourself to work out your conflicting emotions and how to deal with them in the best way for everyone, yourself, your wife, and your child.

This is really tough time in your life, and in your wife's life, and you know you have responsibilities to your family. If your marriage is over, that is fine and you can deal with that as best as you can, get yourself out of a dead relationship and start living your life again. But the only way to be true to your responsibilities as a father and as a husband is to approach counseling (and if necessary, divorce) with as clear a mind as possible. A cheater can't do that.

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loesje answered Tuesday August 15 2006, 4:00 pm:
First of all sorry for your lost

My suggest to you is that you figure out first what your feelings are toward your wife and the other love

Maybe she(wife) didn't get over the lost that's why she is acting that confusing way.
You are a man and you have your needs maybe this other love gave you the love etc etc that your wife can't or wouldn't give to you ...Maybe that's why you feel so at home with her

It's hard to stick together for so long ...So I would give it a last try
And if you wife happen to really have a problem with the lost... you should stay there help her and raise your baby toghether..
If she don't have a problem .and she just isn't feeling the marriage anymore you should break
You can't stay in a relationship that doesn't have any spice anymore.

But Whatever happen don't ever give up on your child!!!

Hope I helped!!

May the Lord bless you and show you the right way!!

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lilteacup answered Tuesday August 15 2006, 1:29 pm:

I am 18, and I realize that you may not want to get advice from a kid who has yet to really live life. But, I figure if you posted here, this must be killing I guess it's worth a try.

I don't think you should stay in a relationship if you are not into it. Chances are you and your wife are going to grow further and further apart, so imagine how that will affect your child. All your child is going to see is his/her parents not having a normal relationship. Talk about giving your child issues when they start to form their own relationships. If you are unhappy with your wife, and you know wholeheartedly that you cannot be with her, then you can't. I think it's unfair for your wife and your child. Just, if you are going to be with another woman...make sure you are there for your child and your child's mother...both financially and in any other manner.

Good Luck,

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take_thisride answered Tuesday August 15 2006, 12:43 pm:
I'm 14 years old. I've obviously never been through anything like this.
But three of my brothers passed away when they were babies.
It's extremely tough to handle.
My mom had her moods but my dad tried to deal with it.

I suggest you stick around and look after YOUR kid. It wouldn't be fair to them if you leave her for somebody else.
If my dad left my mom, I would hate him forever.
I'm sure you don't want that because you seem really nice.

I hope you do what's right.
Good luck

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lalagurly answered Tuesday August 15 2006, 12:22 pm:
ok the both of you must be going through a very tuff time it has probably really effected her causing her moods swings and stuff honestly this is up to you because i am sure if you do leave her you will still see your child.i think you should reexamine the situation in the past you and your wife were happy?do you enjoy her company?can you actaully see you and this other woman in along term relationship? have you cheated on your wife if you have that must tell you how much you love her.i think that since you have alredy been with your wife for 13 yrs you should trie to work it out in every marriage things get tough but that doesnt mean you can quit try counseling tell her how you feel. it is up to dont worry about the baby most kids grow up in a divorced home and grow up fine

i really do hope my advice was good probably not as good as some of the others but it was worth a try good luck

i am soooooooooooooo sorrry for your lose


tell me how it goes

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charli answered Tuesday August 15 2006, 11:56 am:
First of all let me say how sorry i am to hear of your loss as i can imagine as a parent is one of the hardest things to go through. At this time you and your present partner are both going to have very mixed emotions because of what has happened, which is normal. It takes time to deal with loss and people deal with it in different ways, your partner may feel that the loss was her fault in some ways and may have some guilt issues, she may feel like she cant get too close because she doesnt want to have to deal with the loss again. I think that you should sit down with her and talk about your issues, tell her how you feel. Maybe you could both do with some space. The other option would be to go to a relationships councilor, which often helps people in your situation. It is not neccesarily that you have strong feelings for this other woman, it could just be that she is there for you when your partner isnt. If you have a baby then surely he/she would be worth fighting for. Trya nd mend your relationship by talking and trying to undertsand eachother. If this still doesnt work then it would probably be in your best intrests to let go of the relationship. Just remember that what you and your have gone through would cause problems in even the strongest of relationships. I hope everything works out for you and I wish you the best.

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isis answered Tuesday August 15 2006, 11:45 am:
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, there is nothing more difficult to bear than the passing of a child.
How have you and your partner been dealing with this? Have you both had bereavement counselling? If not, perhaps you should consider this. It sounds as though your partner is still having tremendous problems with your loss. Maybe she feels that having lost a child she is not entitled to be happy, which is why she reacts the way she does. If she in some way also feels guilty for the loss, even if there was absolutely nothing you or she could have done, guilt is going to be a natural reaction, she may be thinking she is betraying the lost child by being happy for a while. There will be other times when her natural passion for you will temporarily over ride these feelings, then she could feel bad about them again.
It is a perfectly natural reaction on your part to look for an escape from all this, as you too, must have been through a truly terrible ordeal.
You need to ask yourself, with the history you and your partner have between you, whether your feelings for this other woman are the real thing, or is it that you are just having trouble coping with your current situation. You do need to take into account the baby of course, but if you eventually decide that there is no way back for you and your partner, any difficulties between you will have an effect on the child. It is not always the best thing to stay together for this reason.
I would suggest marriage counselling as well as bereavement therapy, as there are a lot of issues here and the happiness of several people involved. Please don't make any rash decisions until you have tried all other options. It is very difficult to go back when you have made such a life changing decision.
I hope that helps and I wish you all the very best of luck.

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sunnyville answered Tuesday August 15 2006, 10:50 am:
You can't be in a relationship where your not completed as you should be it will make you feel less of a man,if you said that another woman has then that is who you should be with,don't let more time pass by you,then waste your valuable time with one that is a failure,you of course just take care of the baby,let her know that's all you'll be doing but there won't be anything between you too,that you hope she understands your decision,and respects your happiness as well.

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smcheerleadingx answered Tuesday August 15 2006, 10:45 am:
Please think what's best for the baby. In the mean time, have a talk with your girlfriend (wife?). Her putting you through a 'virtual roller coaster ride' might just be a state that she'll get over in some time. The baby could be putting some stress on her. You have to think how she feels. She went through labor to have your child and now she and you are raising him/her. Maybe you could go to couples therapy?

I know how it feels to not love the one you are with. But nothing good comes out of cheating and it will create a whole new mess. When your baby gets older, what do you think he'll think of you? Would your baby want you to love another woman?

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