I am an advice hound. I love to give advice, get advice, read advice columns. I love telling people what to do ; D
Truly, I have a love for people and an honest desire to see every individual excel and succeed in their personal lives, to shed themselves of as many burdens as possible and enjoy this strange and terrible and wonderful gift that is LIFE
Location: Los Angeles
Occupation: advice guru and life coach
Member Since: June 9, 2009
Answers: 900
Last Update: February 5, 2012
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Ok here's my situation iv been in my relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years .we've been living together for just as long .but the past 2 years everything seems to be going down hill and I'm almost at the bottom if not there all ready .you see we haven't had sex in over a year and I do a lot for her but to me she doesn't see it .I bust my ass on 2 jobs provideing for her and I get the cold sholder .I ask her why we don't have sex and she explains it hurts way too bad .but she won't get checked out she says it cost too much money and we don't have insurance .I fell I give and give and she takes .but what's in it for me .NOTHING ! Its like what I do I don't get any apreciation for anything .she works one job and goes to school but she doesn't have tim for my needs .sometimes I just want to pack my things and leave but on the other hand I want too stay .what should I do (link)
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I think you should leave. Better to be happy alone than miserable with somebody else. How much more time are you willing to waste on a relationship that clearly isn't in your best interests?
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I was reading a question on here where someone was asking if she's had sex one time about a month ago is that considered being sexually active. Well what if you just have oral sex. The last time was about a week ago. Would that be considered being sexually active? (link)
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Yes
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So I've been dating this guy (I'm 27 he's 30) since the June and he's moving pretty fast, even says I love you. He basically told me that it was over if I didn't want to commit to him but the reason I don't want to commit was because I'm moving in Jan and don't want to go through a break-up. He's not okay with it not being official so the other day I made it official. (He's even told me I need counseling bc I have trust issues.) He was in Vegas this weekend and we texted but when I called he didn't pick up or call me back. I feel like he's been acting strange and I asked him if it was over. He said I was nuts because we just became a couple and I told him how he hasn't even called me back. He said I was annoying him with all this drama and that I was going to push him away if I continued this. Drama? I was shocked. He's basically forced me into this relationship and now I'm drama and clingy. What do I do? (link)
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Maybe you should be asking yourself why you would allow yourself to be "forced into this relationship" in the first place. That's not at ALL what being in a relationship should be like. At this stage in the game it should feel effortless and comforting. Your relationship sounds like the opposite. I think your boyfriend may be right about the counseling, but I'd look into figuring out how I could be so wishy washy as to commit to a guy just because he threw a hissy about it. Sounds like the master manipulator and the easily manipulated found each other. Get out now and start figuring out why you are so easily led, then work to fix it.
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Hi I have been lost on what to do about how my girlfriend of 1 yr and 7 months doesn't approve of what my goals and dreams for my life are. I am a junior in college about to be 21 and I play golf and want to be a head golf professional at a golf course or even try to make it on tour but my girlfriend trys to tell me how i need to come up with a new dream and goal because she thinks I will never be home. I have played golf and had these dreams ever since I could walk. I am in love with her and don't want to lose her. She also trys to say that if I keep playing golf she will break up with me and it so happens that she does this the night or couple days before i have a tournament which i then can't play to my full potentional. What is the best thing to do? (link)
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The best thing to do is tell your girlfriend that if she can't support you and the dreams and goals you have for your life than she can just move on. You have goals. Someone who really cares for you HELPS you acheive those goals, they don't stand in your way. Her threats are selfish and all about herself, not you and the future you are trying to create. Would you dream of treating her dreams that way? I'm pretty sure the answer is no. You'll know when the right woman comes along because she will fit right into your life and it will feel like her presence in your life makes things easier, not harder. Sorry, your gf sounds like a total selfish b... don't waste more time on someone who thinks so little of your ambition.
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I started university a couple of weeks ago and I'm finding it really hard to settle in. I live in university accomodation with loads of other people and I just expected to make friends straight away as I've never had a problem doing so before. I have made a couple but I'm finding it really hard making more. I've tried to talk to the people on my course more but I still feel left out and I don't feel like anyone likes me or wants to get to know me. I'm really far away from home and it's tough knowing I don't have anyone who really cares about me close by. I'm far from quiet or shy once you get to know me but I find it really hard to break the ice and I'm not very independant. I've been looking forward to starting university for years and I was so excited about moving away from home. I really thought I'd be able to cope with it but I feel like I'm letting myself down.
What can I do? (link)
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Ok. Don't panic! Take a breath. Step back. Now, look at what you wrote. You only started a couple of weeks ago?! Honey, that's nothin'. You haven't failed at making friends, you just got there. The problem a lot of young folks have with the move to university is that they are leaving an environment where all their support system is built in. You have the idea that friendship should be ready-made, because you've always had friends. But you grew up with those people and they knew about you and your life. Now you're in a place where nobody knows you, and you're starting from scratch. The good news is you get to start over, decide who you want to be and what you want to do differently. Nobody knows you yet, so nobody has any expectations of you, so you can pretty much set the tone for how you'd like to be seen. So don't get so down on yourself. You're a grown up now and you're going to learn that time is a lot different as a grown up than it is as a kid. 2 weeks in high school seems like a long time, but in the grown up world its more like 2 days. Give it 2 months before you start beating up on yourself, but I can pretty much guarantee that if you just relax and don't worry so much about it you'll have a pretty solid group of friends by that time. You'll be fine. This is a HUGE adjustment. You are going through one of the biggest changes of your life. Yes, its exciting, but its also scary. Give yourself a break. You got there, didn't you? That says something. Soon it will feel like home. I promise. Just be patient and don't force things. It will all fall into place in time. Good luck!
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My brother's friend who is about 20 years old just lost a significant amount of weight. However, he never expressed a desire to lose weight to any of us, so I'm wondering...would it be appropriate to tell him he looks good??? How would I even word that? (link)
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Of course! Wouldn't you want someone to tell you that you look good if that's what they really thought? A simple "Nice to see you again. Oh, and hey, you're looking great these days!" should do.
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So, ironically enough, that guy (ex boyfriend) ended up getting a hold of me after I had apologized and said I wanted a fresh new start. But he’s the one that blew it this time pretty much. The first thing he texts me is “How much gas money do you have?” Am I just being “high maintenance” or am I justified in being offended about that? I mean, after a heartfelt apology he comes back with that??? If he really wanted to see me couldn’t he have found some way to get his own gas money?
So I didn’t see him. Instead, I had met this other guy at an Army recruiting office like three days ago and I went to go hang out with him. We both needed to take our ASVAB and we were scheduled at the same time, so we were in the car talking and he said “How about whoever scores higher has to take the other person out to lunch” and I agreed, I thought that was kinda cute to be honest. And I kept thinking about how weird it was that I was so upset about what’s-his-name and then all of a sudden out of nowhere here comes my prince charming to save the day. Everything was perfect. HE paid for the meal, that’s never happened to me before, I’ve never been on a date. We were at the restaurant for like 3 and a half hours just talking. We had a lot in common and I really enjoyed it. He then invited me out to a sports bar by our side of town to watch the Bears and the Packers play. After that he kissed me goodnight, and we’ve been talking ever since. I thought wow, it’s about time something good happened to me lately. And then last night we had decided to hang out again, but it ended so badly. He sprung on me that he was in love with this girl, who I had met at the sports bar the night prior, and that things between him and I “Shouldn’t happen”. I was devastated. It really hurt. He was mature about it, but it didn’t really cushion the blow as much as you would think it should have.
So now I’m stuck. The ex boyfriend texted me again this morning asking if I was doing anything today. I don’t know what to say. I would like to say yes, but then I don’t. I got all excited to move on, and now I can’t even do that. Should I move on, or try with this guy again? It’s like this ongoing battle between my brain and my heart. I don’t quite know what to make of it.
(link)
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So let me get this straight - you got a taste of what a "good" man does for a lady, then he says he can't be with you, so you want to go BACK to the loser?You may need to ask yourself why you feel the only way you can get over a guy is to be with another guy? Why not wait for the right guy to come along? Are you that scared to be without a boyfriend? Look, don't go back to the ex. Gas money? Puh-lease! Sounds like the best decision you've made so far is to not give him gas money. Keep thinking like that.
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so i really liked this guy. we hung out and hooked up a couple times but i even though i tried to deny it i really did want more with him. so we were "talking" for a few weeks and then he just stopped texting me and stuff and then a week later i found out he was hooking up with one of my friends. i can't really be mad at her tho because i didn't tell her we were "talking", so she didn't know. should i mention it to her? and if so, how? helppp please:/ (link)
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No, don't mention it unless you want to be embarrassed. Take this as a lesson learned. You don't get a guy to like him by giving it up before you are even in a relationship. It doesn't work that way. This guy proves it. Ever heard the expression "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free"? Well, this is a classic case. Why on earth would he stick around to get to know the real you when he already got to know the only part of you he wanted in the first place. Now he has no reason to hang around and get to know you.
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I have seen my fiance's pic in an adult website. He has a separate desktop & I figured out the password, he looks at porn most every time that I leave the house or will be away for a little bit. I find DVDs & naked pics in my home too. I asked him to stop looking at the movies, he said he likes to hear the noises people make. Said he would stop. I left things be for well over 1yr, we used to have sex daily,I thought I was being paranoid so I started to keep track, some months only 2 times. Then I find accounts opened in June & July at Fling.com, adultfriendfinder, sexinyourcity.com, getiton.com. I accessed his account in fling and utilized my credit card to open his previously sent messages. He has been giving out his number to women and telling them he wants a discreet 1 on 1 or threesome. I did tell him about 4months ago that I seen his birthdate & last name in an adult site...he said it wasnt him & must be an accident. The accounts that he does set up, he states very private info & even posted a pic of him,,,,taken in my fathers backyard on July 4th!! I am very worried about how to approach this with him.....your time & advice are much appreciated. I am reading a book about porn addicts...he seems to fit the bill. But he may just be an arrogant ass constantly needing acknowledgment from women.
(link)
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Sounds like he has a real problem. Porn is a very destructive addiction. It changes the way a man views a woman, and obviously you're noticing changes in him. Sit down with him (calmly) and discuss what you've found. Explain you're worried that he has a problem and if he doesn't get help to fix it then you are scared your relationship can't survive. You may have to force his hand on this one and leave for a bit. I personally know several men who have dealt with porn addiction and it was devastating to their wives. One man told me "I started to look at my wife as a dirty whore, because that's the only images I would see of women". The good news is, they were all able to turn their lives around, but it took help. They had to admit they had a problem. Do some research on support groups online for porn addiction. there are a lot of resources out there. And don't forget, whatever happens, you must protect yourself. Even if he has a "sickness", you still have to feel safe and protected, so if your gut is telling you to leave, then leave. Sometimes some distance can make a person admit their issues. Good luck. But you're not crazy, and I don't think he's arrogant. He has a problem.
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19/f so i have a friend. well she' isn't really my friend. i give her rides to school like every few weeks. she lives nearby me and we go to school at the same times mon-thurs. but i notice she never calls/texts me to hangout but only when she needs a ride. she's 21 and has a car. first she didn't have a license then today she told me her car got totaled and she wouldn't tell me why or how. so yeah i asked her if she wanted to hangout on friday and she said ok and i said text me. well anyways i gave her a ride yesterday and im giving her a ride to school on thursday. at the beginning of the school year she asked me to give her a ride every week but i said i couldn't every week but maybe every once in a while. well one time she asked if i could give her a ride and i said no, and then she saw me at school and looked at me and looked away. i guess she was mad. but i don't get why i mean it's not my job to give her a ride everywhere. it's annoying and she doesn't talk to me. i mean she says hey to me at school and we talk a little bit about classes but other than that she doesn't. and her mom, or anyone else in family can't give her a ride be cause they work and her siblings don't live with her. I mean i do say no sometimes because i feel like she is just using me kind of. i mean is she? and what should i do? (link)
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Yeah, she's using you. Next time she asks for a ride politely tell her you don't mind picking her up if she'll chip in for gas. Who cares if you live near her, you're driving your car and using your gas, so its only fair. My feeling is she'll either flip out or politely turn the offer down. In any case, tell her you're sorry it didn't work out and she can text you if she scrapes some money together for gas. Then go on your way and release yourself from your guilt. Just because someone asks you for a favor, doesn't mean you have to do it, and it doesn't mean you're bad for not doing it. You've got your own stuff going on, and obviously so does she. She obviously never feels bad for ASKING, so don't you feel bad for saying no.
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The topic says it all really! husband has a lady friend that works with him and she is married and in her 50's. Not bad looking for 50 but the fact is she IS MARRIED! We ran into her last night when we took our kids to superkicks she was there with her kid. This woman was all over a guy that was NOT her husband alot of flirting he was playing with her hair giggleing with eachother. If that were my man i wouldnt apprecitate this behavor from her. I told my husband I have lost alot of respect for her she is a disgrace to the married name. I took my vowels seriously and how do I know she is not like that with my man, well his responce you have to trust "ME". okay I do but I dont trust HER. How can she do that knowing she has a man at home. unmoral to me!! I told him as much as he was touching her leg and she was whispering in his ear she has no morals he disagreed with me on all points. What does that mean for him? Does it mean its okay to flirt and touch eachother just cause spouse aint there. How dare her and I cant stop thinking he is defending her cause thats how she acts with him.. I kindly let him know if I EVER see her touch you in a way I should only be able to touch you I will walk my happy ass to her office and give her a piece of my mind. So we agreed to disagree on it all and went to bed!! (link)
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Why are you mad at HIM?! You see a married woman all over a man that is not her husband and you get mad at your HUSBAND? That's just crazy, and a huge sign of insecurity. He was not defending her, he was telling you that you should trust him to not let someone like that interfere in his marriage. You should apologize to him for acting so crazy and mind your own business. You can have an opinion, but the truth is that however this woman chooses to live (and ruin) her own life, that's her business and it has nothing to do with you for the moment. If you don't trust your husband then you have other issues not related to this woman.
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I found out my husband signed up for "citysex.com and amateurmatch.com". We have been getting along beautifully (physically and emotionally). When I confronted him, he said it was a mistake and he was just playing around. My issue is why would he even consider signing up for one of these websites?..and had i not caught him would he have pursued? (link)
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This is definitely a red flag, though don't go hiring the divorce lawyers just yet. You say you were getting along great. Does that mean there was a time when you weren't? I ask because I'm wondering if his "cyber-cheating" might be from a time when the two of you were having difficulty. Or maybe things aren't as great as you think. I suggest keeping an eye out for other red flags in the future. Don't treat him with mistrust, but just be aware of things he says and does. Let your instincts be your guide. If you feel he is not being totally honest with you, perhaps counseling would be a good option. In the meantime, make it clear to him (if you haven't already) that his actions have hurt you and hurt your trust and you would like a better explanation than "I was just playing around". You deserve that much. You are his wife, after all.
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I have a deep need to write about what my life was like and how I felt when I was a kid. I have kept diaries and journal-ed a lot and this compilation of my history is something I want to put down. I know it is theraputic and self-expanding and difficult at time to do this but I am even more afraid that if I am honest and the deeper parts of my childhood that were unhappy at best, will really upset my mother. It sometimes makes me feel paralyzed and I freeze on the spot hearing her voice saying "Why are you telling that? Must you bring up these things and betray me like this? How dare you.". I know good writers plow through and I suppose just have to decide to not care one whit what anybody thinks about what they write, they will write it no matter what. It takes great courage. My mother would tell me that I am not a respectful daughter...she'll freeze me out and our relationship would be damaged. Great options. Advise please because the more I ignore it the stronger the pull...something is telling me I must do this. UGH. (link)
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Try to push those voices away and keep writing. For now, no one else is going to see this, so you have time before you'd have to deal with your mom. Just concentrate on your story and cross that bridge when you get there.
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My eight year old daughter and her friend (girl, same age)will often times play at my house directly after school. Frequently both kids will use our bathroom(s) soon after arriving to do a poo, since often times they hold it in during school. The problem is that neither girl flushes afterward. After talking to my daughter, they have a contest as to who does the biggest poo, who has been holding it the longest, who has to go the worst,etc. I am hoping this is just a phase that they are going through. I don't appreciate it when I go into the bathroom, lift up the lid, and see an unflushed BM and knowing it came from my daughter or her friend (although I am a little surprised at the size of the stools sometimes, and I guess I can see why they would be interested in comparing). Any suggestions? Is this just a phase? (link)
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LOL! My son is 8. He just finished this phase, and it is a phase. I think the best thing to do is just KEEP talking about flushing the toilet. When they come in, first thing you should say (after greeting them of course) is, have fun playing - but DON'T forget to flush the toilet ladies! Then when you check on them, "If anyone used the bathroom please remember to flush and wash hands!" I started making my son come from wherever he was in the house (or outside) to come in and flush whenever I discovered he hadn't. After a week or two of having to leave his games or friends or even get up out of bed to flush, he figured out it was just easier to do it right the first time. Hang in there. There's nothing wrong with your daughter! And in 2 years it'll be some OTHER weird thing that makes you go "What the heck?!" LOL. Good luck.
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18/f
(itll be a year this october)
k so me and my boyfriend broke up because he LOVES me but is not IN LOVE with me, but im so completely head over heels in love.. wtf do i do. we recently hung out and now like everytime we hang out we have sex. i dont want that.... i want LOVEEE . everytime i ask if he has feelings for me like that again he says i can't rush him back into love n i wish i could but i know i cant . WHAT DO I DO. do i just hang out with him and not kiss him anymore? i sware to god this hurts so bad. maybe the more we hang out and not do anything..... he'll fall back in lovee :-( :-( (link)
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Stop having sex with him. Its not helping you at all. In fact its just encouraging him to keep using you without having to make a commitment to you. Put on your big girl panties and walk away from this guy. He doesn't respect you and it sounds like he sure doesn't deserve you. You may be missing a great guy out there because you're spending so much time with this loser.
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My boyfriend is a good guy, but he does a lot of stuff that I'm really not okay with. I've tried talking to him about it, but the thing is, he honestly doesn't see any of it as a big deal. He thinks I'm overreacting.
First, we hadn't been dating very long when a guy he was friends with made a joke about him having an STD (my boyfriend has slept with a lot of women). My boyfriend got upset, said that he may have acted like he was joking but he really wasn't, and said he didn't want me to talk to him anymore because it would cause problems (he doesn't have an STD, we got tested). So, I stopped talking to this guy. My boyfriend works with a girl who used to be my best friend, but went around saying I was a whore and I cheated on my ex with two different guys (totally not true). Naturally, I was mad and we don't talk anymore, but my boyfriend talks to her all the time at work. He says it's because they work together and he doesn't want her going to the HR department all the time, which I understand, but it's not like they're required to talk at their job, and if there were just talking about work it might be okay, but he's told me some of the things they talk about and it's like they're old friends or something.
Second, he has this gorgeous ex girlfriend. He talks about her a lot, always says how perfect she is. He said they broke up because he didn't feel good enough for her and never really felt comfortable around her, but they were really good friends before they dated, so they stayed friends. I have no problems with them being friends, but he's ALWAYS talking about how perfect she is. He tells her he loves her and he misses her and she's so amazing, and he never says those things to me. I guess I'm just jealous, but it hurts to hear him say those things to her when he won't say them to me, his girlfriend. He's always there for her when she needs him, but it's like anytime I try to talk to him about stuff that's bothering me, he acts like it's no big deal and I'm overreacting. He tells me he doesn't want to be with her, but I just can't help but get upset over it.
Sorry for ranting, but I'm really confused. If I'm overreacting, please tell me, because I really don't know. (link)
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No... I think you know you are not being treated very well. You've picked the wrong guy. He obviously has feelings for his ex and doesn't appreciate you like you deserve. It sounds like its time to move on and take this as a lesson learned.
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I have been dating the same man for about a year, 9 months of which he was gone. we have been planing on moving in together. The thing is he had told me the military would be paying for the housing. Do not get me wrong I do not have a problem paying my share, if that would have been what we had discussed since the begining. He has kind of kept me out of the rental process until now. Now he is saying he wants me to pay half of the rent. I am confused as to what to say or what to do. He will be moving in three months, so we are on a time limit to live togteher and see if i should move too,which if I do I will be laveing my family and a great job, but thats what you do when you love someone. He confuses me also becasue he does not say I love you he says I really feel like i love you but i dont want to hurt you incase you do not come with me... he seems so back and fourth it is confusing me. to top it all of I may be pregnant, and he is hoping that I am, he says he wants to try to have a baby. I know what i am saying or asking is confusing, but that is because I am so confused. Any advice would be appreciated. (link)
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Yep, it all sounds very confusing. But I think you are already aware of the answer to this question. So step back, take a breath, and picture yourself listening to your best girlfriend tell you this same thing. What would you tell her? Are you really going to pick up and leave everything, your work, your family, your friends, your security and move in to a house with a man that wants to have a baby with you (sounds like he wants to keep you tied to him, really) and then leave you for weeks/months/years at a time for his service, but doesn't ever say he loves you and won't marry you? Girl, turn around and run the other way. No, you DON'T give up your whole life for someone you love. That's not how love works and it makes me sad to think that is your view of love. When two people love each other they make each other's worlds BETTER, not more confusing. Their personalities compliment each other and they fit into each other's lives. One does not give up themselves and their own dreams for the other. If he really cared for you he'd be doing everything in his power to make sure you were happy. You're not going to be happy moving to military housing with a man who won't make a comittment to you, that you might be having a baby with, who actually expects you to pay HALF the rent! Get out now. I hate to sound blunt, but you are wasting valuable years on this man. You may be missing the man of your dreams while you're wasting all this energy trying to understand a situation in which you've handed over complete control to the other person.
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Hey, my boyfriend (a varsity student) doesnt eat anything vegetable or green (except for mushrooms which arent really vegetables, and potatoes which count in most part as carbohydrates)... It's not really a problem for me because I love all vegetables so will eat his anytime... but his immunity is at an all time low and he keeps getting a cold every now and then. He's also anaemic. I know his unbalanced diet is causing other problems too (like being overweight, tired all the time - he also doesnt have frequent meals, sometimes he skips meals). I would like to know if you have any ideas of how I can get him to eat more healthy or atleast improve his lifestyle without vegetables. I think he knows that he's not taking very good care of himself, but he's not going to eat food he hates... (link)
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I'm afraid there's nothing you can do for him besides be a good example of healthy eating habits. Your boyfriend's a big boy and he can make his own choices. He obviously knows he's not eating right, but just like people who smoke, he knows its bad for him but does it anyway. You need to be careful about talking to him about this. While I understand you do it because you care, it can come off as nagging, especially since he already knows he has a problem. I suggest sitting him down for one last, big talk. Tell him all your concerns for his health and ask him if there's anything you can do to help him. then tell him this is the LAST time you'll talk to him about it. It may be hard for you, but sometimes backing off can be a great way to give a person perspective. If he sees you're serious about your promise to back off, it may give him pause to think about what he is really doing to himself. But if you bother him too much it could actually drive him to eat WORSE, out of spite. Let him figure it out for himself. Its obvious you care for him, but you're not his mother and he doesn't want you to be.
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Well basically, I asked this boy out a few weeks ago and he said no, but then he asked me out. Is it because he feels guilty or not, I can't tell. (link)
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don't worry about it. He asked you out. Instead of analyzing it go out with him and see how it goes. Maybe he just changed his mind or maybe there were other things going on that you don't know about. He wouldn't ask you out if he didn't want to go, so relax, go out and have a good time!
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I have a girlfriend that I have been going out with for 14 months. She lives 2 hours away and I see her almost every weekend- I either take her back to my house or I stay at her house for the weekend. Things have typically gone fine until about two months ago. We have fought more and more. I am friends with my ex's uncle, and this bothers her tremendously. However, me and him are good friends and I am not planning on stopping hanging out with him because he is an awesome guy and in some ways my idol. Anything that has to do with my ex girlfriend, my girlfriend is totally against it, even though I am totally over avoiding my ex and we have even somewhat become friends. My current girlfriend and I started going out approximately three weeks after my last relationship, which lasted 10 months and was my first love- quite a painful experience although I am over it and I feel like it taught me a lot. I am just not sure what to do about this whole situation. I feel like I am growing more distant from my current girlfriend the less time I spend with her, and I feel like I want to experience other women someday, and I feel like there are some things I need to explore and do on my own while I am single, while I can. I know she loves me like crazy and I love her too- I don't know if I want to lose her forever. I am only 20 though and I know I have my whole life ahead of me. Would someone please give me some insight on this? (link)
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I'm not going to add to the advice "Real" just gave you. It was right on!
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