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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I pay my daughter's mother $430.00 in child support every month and she expects me to pay additional money for a cell phone to keep in contact with our child? Should I pay for my daughter's cell phone or is keeping her in contact with me her mother's job?
The Answer
Keeping in contact with the child is very much YOUR responsibility as her parent.
However, her mother's job is to not get in the way of that contact and allow you to exercise your rights and be in the child's life in a meaningful way.
So, if you are not able too e-mail your daughter, or call her at home, or visit with her regularly, then yes, paying for her cell phone would make some sense.
If calling your daughter runs up huge charges or long distance fees, then it 'might' be courteous and sensible for you to offer to bear some of that cost, not because you are strictly required too, but out of good-will.
If the mother is standing in the way of you connecting with her in those other ways (forbidding you to use the land line or some such) then no, there is no reason to pay for a second phone. You should be able to contact your daughter on the existing phone. Why is there a problem in contacting your child is those normal ways anyways?
The most important thing however, is that you maintain a healthy relationship with your daughter. If for some reason, the mother is going to hold your feet to the fire and restrict your access unless you shell out for the cellphone, then do so. Do so even if it's shouldn't be 'your responsibility'. Do so because you care for your daughter and want to stay in touch with her. Do so because it's not her fault, and if someone is going to suffer in this situation, better it be you, then her.
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The Question
ok so today my best friend's boyfriend surprisingly snuck a kiss on my cheek but it wasn't a little friendly kiss it was more romantic and i don't know what to do i want to tell her but i don't want to ruin the relationship between all three of us because he's like a big brother to me so what do i do and why do i feel guilty when i didn't do anything wrong???
The Answer
Don't tell your friend.
Tell her boyfriend, straight-up and honestly "Remember when you kissed my check? It made me really uncomfortable. Please don't do it agian."
He'll probably say it was nothing, but just smile and tell him no matter what it was, not to do it agian.
If he is really is your friend, he'll respect your wishes.
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The Question
Is a 21-year-old girl too young to be dating a 35-year-old?
The Answer
Age is not just a number: It's a solid gauge for life experience and a loose one for maturity and self-awareness.
Having said that, 21 is an adult in every legal sense, so no, there is no technical reason that it could be called 'too young'.
In my opinion, it simply falls under the 'Probably a bad idea' heading.
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The Question
I briefly dated a guy many years ago, while we were both in relationships with other people. I have seen him a few times since usually talking for five minates or less, we usually keep it general, like how's the family etc. I saw him over a year ago and he made a statement saying that men make the mistake of letting the good ones get away, and I agreed saying that women make the same mistake also. I informed him that I was no longer committed and I didn't notice a ring on his finger either. Anyway I gave him my business card hoping that he would use it and I emailed him but I received no response. I found his address using the internet, would I freak him out by sending him a card or note to let him know that I am interested?
The Answer
Just send him a friendly Christmas card with a renewal of the "Hey, lets chat/have coffee some time. Love to see you in the New Year!"
If he still doesn't pick up on the suggestion, let it go.
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The Question
I exchange Christmas gifts with my brother and his wife in another state each year. This year I chose to make a donation in their name to a National charity. When my sister-in-law received the card notification, she e-mailed me saying that she already makes a donation to this charity each month and I should have told them that's how I wanted to give gifts this year because they already bought one for me and my 14 year old daughter. In my opinion, her response does not reflect the true spirit of giving. I sent a curt reply that I don't usually tell recipients what I'm giving them for gifts, and if their gifts to us are predicated on what I give, then please don't mail ours. The situation deteriorated in a later phone call, and I feel terrible that she didn't like my gift - but I also feel that her response was way off-base. If you think I should apologize, I will. Please advise.
The Answer
According to the written rules, sure you are right, but playing the ‘I’m right’ card isn’t in a very good spirit either, and it’s not going to fix the problem.
Yes, you were right to give a gift as you choose too and in the way you choose. You are entitled to do that, and her response was not terribly courteous, but it was genuine and practical.
When there is an established method or tradition of gift-giving, I must agree with your sister-in-law: It would have been courteous and appropriate of you to let her know your intention to do things differently and open a dialogue with her about your change.
No, you weren’t strictly REQUIRED to do so, but it would have been practical and courteous. Imagine you had been sending her Strawberry jam for Christmas every year, if suddenly one year you sent fruit salad. She’s probably be a bit miffed. She might handle it better, but she’d still be miffed! Even if it goes against sense and the spirit of giving it is still very human, and not evil, to cry out “But… but… that isn’t what I expected!”
Especially if there are any young people involved (young people don't always handle changes in gift-giving traditions graciously and need to be appropriately prepped for them) it does make sense to forewarn your family about changes in long-standing traditions. This whole thing could have gone down a good deal more pleasantly if you had and she could have said "Oh! Well we do make a donation there already, what about sponsoring an endangered animal or some such? Or this other organization we both have an interest in…"
Sure, that might not have been her response. But if it wasn’t at least you would have known in advance and could have made a choice based on her attitudes towards the whole thing (even if that choice was to call off gift-giving this year!)
Perhaps you don’t need to apologize, but it might do you both some good if you can admit that it might have been better to discuss this change before making it, because, well, it probably would have been.
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The Question
for some reason, whenever i smoke a full cigarrette by myself right after i eat, i get nauseas. one time i threw up, but i didnt think anything of it. today i got nauseas again but didn't throw up. i dont know what it is. why does my body react like this?
The Answer
Because cigarettes are, very literally, toxic.
Nicotine is a toxin. It’s used in pesticides.
Too much nicotine causes nausea. What you are experiencing is probably a bit of Nicotine poisoning (yes, it's a real thing). Nicotine poisoning causes vomiting and nausea, headaches, shallow breathing, stomach aches and, in the worse cases, seizures and can stop the heart. Nicotine is a stimulant, like caffeine, and too much of it overstimulates your brain and body and causes all those nasty side effects.
You might also not be getting enough air. Digesting food is hard work and you need oxygen to fuel your body. When you are smoking, you aren't inhaling as much oxygen as you normally would be and your body has to work harder too absorb and distribut the oxygen it is getting.
It could be one, or both of those things together. Either way, it really is just your body telling you ‘Dude! I can’t do my job like this!”
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The Question
this isnt a really a heavy question im just curios.
Why do we have dreams? i heard its an unavoidable subconcious and somthing to do with a mild state of hypnotism. also you know when you have a bad dream like your falling and you hit the ground then you wake up really confused becaus you just fell in your sleep and hit your pillow in real life, well is it possible to dream somthing then sit up like in cartoons or films where the guys tossing and turning then wakes up in a cold sweat and is breathing hard then jolts into the sitting up position, is it possible to do that then instantly forget and never rememebr what it was you were dreaming about? because thats happend to me i woke up bolt upright one night sweating and heart pounding and i dont even know why. i dont remember having a dream at all you cant just get so adjetated for no reason can you?
The Answer
Yep, sure you can.
Feelings are powerful. Haven't you ever been so afriad you felt weak? So embaressed you felt sick to your stomach? The body and the mind are very tightly connected.
If that sort of thing happens too often, you should speak to a doctor.
No one really knows why we dream. There are a lot of different theories. Some say dreams are a way to process or examine learning, maybe even to ‘clean up’ the brain. Others suggest that they are nothing but the brain trying to make sense of completely random synapses firing within our brain as we sleep, just a pointless phenomenon of sleep.
If you want to learn a bit more about what you body does while sleeping and the ways it can affect you look up ‘sleep paralysis’. Some of what you will read about it is bunk, but if you make sure you are looking at reputable sites, you’ll learn some interesting what we do know about the brain during sleep.
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The Question
Yes, I know the title may sound pretty odd, but that's exactly what I need. My friend is in desperate need of some common sense, only she thinks she's right at the moment. She's been going to the gym for about 2 months now, at least 3 times a week for at least an hour and a half. She weighed herself 2 days ago and went into complete depression mode. Now her plan is to starve herself, except for the occasional bits of fruit, and if she has to eat something in front of people, she plans to simply throw it up later.
I KNOW this is dangerous and unhealthy, but her goal is blinding her. She knows starving yourself EVENTUALLY works, she just doesn't know the risks she's taking. Please be sure that I WILL go to someone for help, I just need this one last chance to convince her myself. So, my question is, can someone who's familiar or who knows anything about anorexia, bulimia, or starvation make a small calendar for me? For example: week one, she'll loose 3 pounds, but also 10% of her muscle will have gotten eaten away by her own body, or SOMETHING along those lines. Maybe like a chart of what will happen to her body in about a month from now; how much queggy she'll loose, but what that will also cost her, and how long till she collapses. I'm sorry if this isn't clear enough.
I wanna confront her with the facts, cause I'm sick of not even knowing what I'm talking about. She's 16/f if it helps calculate... Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for the concerns and suggestions.
The Answer
Here is a good place to start to help her realize that yes, she is most definitely ill:
http://healthydevil.studentaffairs.duke.edu/health_info/Eating%20Disorders%20Comparison_Chart.pdf
Then try these one for impact:
http://www.anred.com/medpsy.html
http://www.bellwood.ca/PDF/What%20are%20the%20physical%20or%20emotional%20consequences.pdf
But this is the fact that I found really helped me to make a point to my friends:
Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
That's right. It is believed that more anorexic people die for anorexia or its related illness then people who have depression, or another serious mental illness. A smaller percentage of clinically depressed people die, then anorexic people. Eating disorders are THE biggest killer of young women.
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The Question
Over the summer, this guy and i were friends with benefits. i know friends with benefits are never a good thing but anyway.. a friend of mine told me he had been dating someone. So i stopped talking to him to get him out of the picture. Well, i haven't talked to him in about 2 months and he texted me tonight saying that he missed me and how he wanted me to come over soon. I don't miss him, just doing things with him. I asked him about his girlfriend and he just said "yeaaah we can keep it between us" so i said umm ill think about it. so should i do it? i don't know the girl at all that hes dating so i wouldnt feel bad at all about that.
The Answer
He doesn't miss you either babe, he missing fooling around with you. Don't buy into his lame-ass flattery. He wants exactly what you want: No strings attatched hooking up behind his girlfriends back.
And NO! No of course you shouldn't do it! This guy doesn't like you or respect you, he just knows he can get some. He's a douche, and doing this with him doesn't make you a very nice person either. You aren't a moron, you already know that!
But what the hell, since you both just want random hook-ups and neither of you give a rat-ass about his girlfriend, go ahead. At least you are on the same page.
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The Question
I'm 18/f, and I'm currently being pursued by my friend, let's call him Mike. I used to be head over heels for Mike, and about a year ago we hooked up once or twice. But then we drifted apart. Now he and I are hanging out a lot, and he keeps telling me how amazing and beautiful and smart he thinks i am.. and it's flattering and I really like, him.. except he's 25 years old, and that difference makes me feel uncomfortable.
When we hung out last he tried to kiss me, and I told him that I wasn't ready because I had just gotten out of a really bad relationship (that's true). I've kind of sworn off relationships, especially physical relationships. I'm not interested in sex anymore. He said he understood and he felt pretty bad, but I told him we could still be friends, and he said he was okay with that.
He still calls me every night and praises me constantly, telling me how much he likes me, asking when I'm free to hang out.. and I DO want to hang out with him, because he's a great friend, but I don't want to lead him on and make him think I want to date or get involved with him again.
What's the best way to handle this situation? I've already spoken about it to him honestly, and I don't want to start blowing him off or avoiding him.. help! Thank you!!
-YoungAndCelibate
The Answer
Set yourself some rules for dealing with him. I've been in this position before, and here are the kinds of rules I set for myself (not so much for the guy, but for me).
- Hanging out once a week is plenty. Hanging out more then that will probably lead to 'more'.
- You are limited to 1 compliment a sentence. You call me lovely, pretty and smart all in one sentence, I will tell you it makes me uncomfortable and to please not be excessive.
- Phone calls are for when you have something to say. Three times a week for a 'chat' is the ABSOLUTE max. More then that and I will be 'on my way out' or 'needing to call my sister' when I'm called.
What I'm suggesting is not 'blowing him off', it's making sure he knows he is a friend by treating him like a friend. You probably don't have any friends who you hang out with outside of school more then twice a week, or who you speak to every night. That kind of behavior is reserved for people where you want or have ‘something more’.
This would be a bit like blowing him off if you HADN'T told him the honest truth about your feelings, but since you have, this is just making sure your actions back up your words. He is a friend. That means he gets treated like one. Think about the kind of behavior you accept from your friends, write down your own boundaries like mine above, and don’t accept ‘more’ from him.
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The Question
It's a VERY long story, but basically, I need (yes, it's need, not want) about $200 by the end of the month. I don't think I can raise it at all. I'm only 14, so I can't get a job, and even if I could, my mom wouldn't let me because of school :(. It's becoming impossible to find a job as I weed out what I am able to do and what I'm not. I can't drive, so whatever it is has to meet my MOM's schedule. It's too cold outside to do lemonade stands but it doesn't snow down here so I can't shovel snow. We live in one of those neighborhoods where everyone hires COMPANIES to do their yardwork, so that's out. Our neighborhood also, majorly unfortunately, is made up of older people with grown up kids, so I can't babysit! It's really hard to find things to do for money. My mom said she'd pay half of it if I raised at least 100, but at this rate, I don't think that's going to happen :(. Please help me, I can't think of ANY ways to raise money! Help! All answers are accepted and rated :)
The Answer
Dog walking is always a good one. If you live in an area where people can afford yard maintenance, they can probably afford to pay someone to take care of Fido.
You might also take a walk and look at other nearby neighborhoods, or ask your friends about their neighborhoods. Also, bring it up with pretty much anyone you speak too: your friend’s parents, family friends, pretty much anybody. You never know who will need a weekend helper cleaning out the basement or the windows, or who needs someone to sit down and scan in all 300 of their grandmother’s photos. It is these sorts of silly little jobs that busy people never seem to get too, and might be thrilled to have some young egger help with. The rule of finding almost any work is networking, so tell everyone you know you are trying to make some money and that you are keen and willing to work. E-mail relatives near by and see if you can help them. Think of smaller places you know (maybe family run places?) that could use a few hours of extra help over the holidays. Looking for work can be full-time work in and of itself, but if you just keep being creative and noisy, you might be surprised what comes up.
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The Question
I don't know if this is the right forum or not , but ok here's what happened. I am the IT guy at a mid-sized company, and people perpetually beg me to get them ipods and laptops etc. because I run across great deals all the time. Well I ran across this sweet deal for a dell I don't recollect the model , but it had a nice dual core processor and 2 gb of ram and vista ultimate. I looked it up at the time and retail it was a $800 product. Well the person I bought it from is not a good business man and I always get ridiculous deals from him. I got this laptop for $200, and my boss was wanting it really badly so I sold it to him for my price.
A couple weeks later I come to find out that he just flipped it for profit. It really pisses me off because I COULD HAVE FLIPPED IT FOR PROFIT, but I am trying to make sure that those around me have access to getting some of the cool stuff that I have access to.
I am positive that I told him I didn't have a problem giving it to him for my cost, just as long as he kicked me down if he sold it for a profit.
Well he didn't even tell me he sold it, I happened to hear it through the grapevine, so I asked him. He just smiled at me and said yep he did. I told him he should kick me half the profit, and he basically just said I could have bought it.
It really pisses me off because OF COURSE I COULD HAVE BOUGHT IT. I am not an idiot and know what the product was worth. I didn't sell it to him as a business deal, it was a personal favor and I feel like he slapped me in the face.
Everyone at my work goes through me to get good deals on electronics , but NO MORE!!! this ticks me off so much I am no longer going to do them any favors. If they want to buy anything from me, I will make sure to turn a profit.
I guess my question is: how do you feel about what he did?
Do you think I am being a baby about it?
What would you do?
Do you think him turning a profit (on something I could have easily made money on, but was trying to help a coworker acquire a nice laptop) and not give me a kickback is ethical?
TIA
The Answer
How do you feel about what he did?
It was low. He isn't your friend. He's a bit of self-serving jerk.
Do you think I am being a baby about it?
Yes. Choosing not to deal *with him* again is perfectly rational and sensible. Letting it upset you to this degree, or punishing other people because one person is a jackass is petty and juvenile. You don’t hate all women because one of them cheated you and not all barbers are bad people because one them nicked your ear. You are better to look at this as a learning experience, realize that when you are kind that kindness will not always be returned. That is the truth of the universe. Good people, and frankly, happier people, are kind anyways, because the person you are is not measured in the kindness or respect that people give to you (or in the money returned to you) it is measured by the choices you alone make in dealing with others.
What would you do?
I would tell him that I felt we had an understanding about him sharing the profit should he go and resell it. I would tell him I'm disappointed. I would never offer him such a deal again, but I wouldn't rub it in his face or make a big deal of it. I simply would never offer and politely tell him I had different plans for an item should he ever ask again.
Do you think him turning a profit (on something I could have easily made money on, but was trying to help a coworker acquire a nice laptop) and not give me a kickback is ethical?
Well, technically, yes it was ethical. Without a formal agreement or contract what he did wasn’t really wrong. He purchased something from you. It became his and he did with it as he pleased. So he wasn’t as friendly or a kind as you, but he probably wasn't actually in the wrong ethically. He simply understood, or convinced himself he understood, your comments about re-selling differently. You'll never know.
He was only in the wrong, as a friend. He behaved in an unfriendly and ungentlemanly way, but there is a big difference between unfriendly, and unethical.
So, he isn’t your friend. He isn't a horribly immoral, unethical human being; he just isn't your friend. In the future, don’t treat him as such.
However, if you take this experience and decide not to treat anyone as your friend, no one ever will be. So don’t over-react. Accept it and move on.
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The Question
ok so my boyfriend is in jail for car hopping with a gun and is being tried as an adult. his final court date is the jury trial on january 19th and i was wondering if anyone knew the likely-ness of him getting out that day or getting more time??
=[
The Answer
If he had a gun, he is not getting out that day.
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The Question
15/f
Alright, well i talk to my friend on the ineternet chatting and things like that. I heard that he likes me and really i just think of him as a friend. When we are chatting on IM he tells me i'm beautiful and he likes me and asks if i would ever go out with him. I only think of him as a friend and i don't want to lead him on but i don't want to be mean. Whenevr he tells me i'm pretty or beautiful again, what should i say to that that dosen't lead him on. I still want to be friends with him. When he says that i'm not gonna say "I only like you as a friend, " or "i only think of us as friends." He isn't really implying that just by saying that im pretty. Half the time he says he likes me, i don't know if he is joking or not. What should i do? Thanks!
The Answer
When he asks you if you'd consider going out with him, be very clear. If you haven't been clear yet, do it now. Tell him 'No. Sorry. That won't ever happen because I only see you as a friend.'
If you have been that clear, then just accept his compliments graciously with a 'Thanks.' If one of his compliments goes to far say 'Thanks, but that makes me uncomfortable, please don't say that.'
When he *jokes* about liking you say 'I think you are just trying to be funny, but please stop joking about that. I don't like it."
Just be firm but friendly, and you'll be fine.
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The Question
Okay so i broke up with this guy mike like almost a month ago. He was obsessed with me and he only wanted a girlfriend so he could show off and stuff. So, you would think he would remove all the information that says he has a girlfriend from facebook, aim, myspace, and his youtube account. But it STILL says he has a girlfriend named Haley! Which is me. His profile picture on myspace and facebook still has us together in it! and his youtube page says I love my girlfriend Haley, and blabla. So i asked him if he could please change it, and he said 'All i have to say is udecided yet'. And its been 3 weeks and he hasnt changed ANYTHING. He's been on facebook a billion times, and myspace and youtube. And he still hasnt changed ANYTHING!Its really aggravating me cause hes giving people the wrong idea, and hes not letting go to the fact that we are OVER. If i get a new boyfriend its gonna give him all the wrong ideas, and ruin our relationship!
How do i get this jerk to stop?!
The Answer
I'm afriad you are SOL.
People can post whatever the hell they want online. There is really, nothing at all you can do about this except give him dirty looks.
I'd recommend you stop asking him to take it down. He is obviously loving the attention.
By all means, be as direct as going online and posting on his wall "Dude, please. It's really disrespectful that you still have my name up there as your girlfriend. Unless you are dating some other girl name Hailey, take it down already."
Post it as a note, or in your status. Something just like that, not nasty at all, just direct and matter of fact. At least that way, if someone is confused, you can tell them to look at the posts you made.
But really, stop talking to him about this. That's only feeding the moster. Make it as obvious as you can (without getting into some sort of posting war) that you aren't with him anymore, then let this go. Because if you don't, you'll only be making it worse.
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The Question
16/f
I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday and i am happier now because i just didn't really like him anymore. I see him all over school and now since we are broke up i am going to see him everywhere. AWKWARD. I don't know if he is mad or not, so i don't know if i see him in the hallway if i should say "hi" or not. I mean, i still want to be his friend, just not his girlfriend. So, all day tomorrow is going to be very weird because i see him, in the mornings before school, during school in the hallways, and after school at the buses. Aggh. What should i do? How should i handle this? thanks!
The Answer
Make eye contact, nod. If he doesn't look away, say hi.
It might take days, if not weeks for him to NOT look away when you awknowledge him, but at least this way you are being open and polite, as well as respecting his comfort level.
It IS going to be awkward. Nothing you can about that. So just try to be respectful. Be friendly when he gives you the opening to be, don't force it on him.
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The Question
Let's just say that my ex-girlfriend has done plenty of evil things to me, including messing with my current love life, and attempting to get me banned from places for "stalking" even though they were my hangouts before I met her, and such.
And at the moment, an opportunity to get back at her without consequence has arisen. Keep in mind, it's nothing illegal or life-threatening, more like a really really elaborate prank.
Some of my friends think I'm within my rights to play said prank, while others think that I should just not do it.
The problem is, I don't think the woman is going to back the hell off me unless I do something.
So, should I do the deed, or just try and tolerate the bulls**t?
The Answer
I'm deeply confused by the idea that you can do something 'without consequence' that will cause her to back off.
Because, that would imply that she will notice the prank and be able to hold you responsible for it... so that can't be 'without consequence', that's just ‘without any consequence I can immediately identify.’
So, the pragmatist in my has to advise against upping the stakes in a game you don’t want to be playing, with someone who has already established that they are capable of being far nastier then you. If she can catch you or even suspect you, then there is no way you’ll get off consequence free.
Then of course, there is the moral argument. Morally, you aren’t entitled to being an asshole or going out of your way to make another person more miserable then they might have otherwise been. That just isn’t right. It might feel good, it might feel justified, and you might even choose to do that. But it’s not ‘right’ in any sense of the word. It’s just what you feel like doing.
Life provides more options then simply “Be an asshole, or put up with an asshole” but to find them, you must be creative, you must be empathetic and you must let a bit of your pride go. Pride and a sense of entitlement is the gateway to asshole behavior. Pride and a sense of entitlement is likely the way your ex became the person she is today. Each step you take down that path, even though you will likely never become as unpleasant as her, is still a step closer to her.
So, the three reasons NOT to do it:
Pragmatic: Take a look at the universe around and accept that it probably isn’t going to work out exactly the way you want it too. There are more factors at play then you can ever control, and frankly, the universe doesn’t take pity on a jilted lover the way romantic comedies might lead you to believe.
Moral: You don’t deserve to make someone’s life more miserable then it might otherwise be. No one human being is entitled to do that to another simply for kicks, regardless of what was done to them.
Dangerous Precedent: No matter how you swing it, you are, in some small way, beginning your descent to her level.
Now, if you choose too anyways, at least don’t lie to yourself. Don’t kid yourself with false rationalizations or weak justifications: You aren’t doing it because she deservers it. You aren’t doing it because it’s justifiable. You aren’t doing it because you are entitled too. You are simply doing it because you WANT too.
If you want to behave like an asshole, fine. Lord knows that is choice I’ve made some days, so I can’t hold it against you. But call a spade a spade.
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The Question
im 19/f and have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We've had sex quite a few times but we just had a very intense talk recently and he has decided that we won't be having sex until my views change. Im personally against abortion, but thats just me. Other people can do it, I just wouldn't be able to handle it. When we have sex we use condoms and Im on the pill. He's just so worried that something will go wrong and i'll end up pregnant and we both arent ready for kids. I just don't think its fair that I have to change my beliefs to make love to my boyfriend. We're pretty much 100% safe. If anything did go wrong, I'd pick up some plan B the next morning. He's just so afraid we'll be that unlucky 0.1%. I don't know what to do...
The Answer
Not being able to have sex because your opinions and comfort with risk are different from your partner, that is unfortunate, not unfair.
What wouldn't be 'fair' is if your boyfriend needed to support a child for the next 18 years even though he made a choice not to have sex or take that risk.
Now if your boyfriend is holding this over your head and saying ‘Change or else’, well then he is a douche and you should dump him. But that isn’t what it sounds like happened.
What it sounds like happened is that after a long discussion your boyfriend made a very mature and responsible decision. Sex is ALWAYS risky, and he had decided he just can't handle that risk. You are right, the risk is very small, however if even that small risk is not acceptable to him, then he made the right choice. Imagine the positions were reversed and a female friend came to you saying ‘I’m just too nervous, I can’t have sex anymore.’ I imagine you’d feel a little bit more sympathetic to her plight then you do to your boys.
The only thing you can do is try and educate him about birth control and the choices you DO have and are willing to make. It is likely that he doesn’t really understand them as they are a bit of a mystery to most adult males. Explaining how they work, expressing your comfort and expertise in using them might help to quell his fears. Perhaps even having the conversation of ‘Well, if we do get pregnant, what are our choices then?’
Now, that might not work. More knowledge might not make him more confident, but it’s the only rational thing to try. If he still doesn’t want to have sex, you need respect that, or break up with him. Because No means NO, even when the guys says it.
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The Question
Why do people from England sign everything with the letter 'x'?
The Answer
It's an old tradition and not just an English one, from back in the times when most people couldn't read or write, and therefore couldn't sign their names.
An 'X' is still sometimes used today in cases where someone is illiterate or physically incapable of signing their name on a contract or legal document.
Some people might still do it and think it's cool, or maybe it's more socially acceptable in England. I'm not sure, but it's really just a historical throw back.
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The Question
Hey there,
My male-bodied partner is trans and has been taking estrogen for about 5 years. When we do have sex we always use condoms, but I don't want to take birth control if I don't have to, and I'm wondering if should or not, as yesterday we were talking to a friend who was worried his partner was pregnant but it turned out she wasn't, and asked us if we had the same problem of fertility or not because of the hormones. My partner said no, and a while ago I was reading a comic about related things which also brought up the issue and said that males become infertile after using hormones for a while... I know neither of these are absolutely solid, so I'm wondering what you guys think!
The Answer
Ask your partner again, and ask for a more detailed answer. If they don't know or are simply making an educated guess, ask them to ask their doctor.
You are delving into details of biology that likely few people here really understand. For instance: I know that estrogen injections are sometimes used to treat male infertility! Estrogen actually plays a part in normal fertility in men... So who knows!?
Well... a doctor who specializes in treating trans patients I imagine.
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