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I like him, but the age difference is uncomfortable.
I'm 18/f, and I'm currently being pursued by my friend, let's call him Mike. I used to be head over heels for Mike, and about a year ago we hooked up once or twice. But then we drifted apart. Now he and I are hanging out a lot, and he keeps telling me how amazing and beautiful and smart he thinks i am.. and it's flattering and I really like, him.. except he's 25 years old, and that difference makes me feel uncomfortable.
When we hung out last he tried to kiss me, and I told him that I wasn't ready because I had just gotten out of a really bad relationship (that's true). I've kind of sworn off relationships, especially physical relationships. I'm not interested in sex anymore. He said he understood and he felt pretty bad, but I told him we could still be friends, and he said he was okay with that.
He still calls me every night and praises me constantly, telling me how much he likes me, asking when I'm free to hang out.. and I DO want to hang out with him, because he's a great friend, but I don't want to lead him on and make him think I want to date or get involved with him again.
What's the best way to handle this situation? I've already spoken about it to him honestly, and I don't want to start blowing him off or avoiding him.. help! Thank you!!
-YoungAndCelibate
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if you absolutely aren't ready for anything now or in the future with this guy, you need to sit him down and have a long talk and be clear and set ground rules. there must be lines drawn. in a way though, it does sound like you would like him if his age magically was like 21. i don't know how your relationship is with the guy. but great connections are few and far between in life. it really isn't that big of an age difference. you're both adults. if you fooled around with him, you're somewhat attracted to him. if you think of him as this great friend then you like his personality. in a lot of ways, it seems like he offers you much of what you want or need. if you're with him and you often forget for a moment that he has a few years on you, then you are probably just thinking too much. if it's flashing in your mind and really getting to you then yes you have to stay only friends.
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Be honest with yourself. Is age the only reason you don't want to be with him? If it is just remember this. When you're 30, he'll onlt b 37. When you're 60, he'll only be 67. When you're 90, he'll be 97. It may seem like alot now, but some couples' ages are like 20 years apart. So if you really love him and you have a great time with him, go for it. Don't worry what others might think, cos if you guys are truelly happy together then your true friends will accpet that. If you don't act now, then you might regret it later and wonder what might have been.
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be as honest as possible
maybe you guys should stop hanging out so much cause it only makes it harder.tell him you only see him as a friend and see no potential relationship.
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Set yourself some rules for dealing with him. I've been in this position before, and here are the kinds of rules I set for myself (not so much for the guy, but for me).
- Hanging out once a week is plenty. Hanging out more then that will probably lead to 'more'.
- You are limited to 1 compliment a sentence. You call me lovely, pretty and smart all in one sentence, I will tell you it makes me uncomfortable and to please not be excessive.
- Phone calls are for when you have something to say. Three times a week for a 'chat' is the ABSOLUTE max. More then that and I will be 'on my way out' or 'needing to call my sister' when I'm called.
What I'm suggesting is not 'blowing him off', it's making sure he knows he is a friend by treating him like a friend. You probably don't have any friends who you hang out with outside of school more then twice a week, or who you speak to every night. That kind of behavior is reserved for people where you want or have ‘something more’.
This would be a bit like blowing him off if you HADN'T told him the honest truth about your feelings, but since you have, this is just making sure your actions back up your words. He is a friend. That means he gets treated like one. Think about the kind of behavior you accept from your friends, write down your own boundaries like mine above, and don’t accept ‘more’ from him.
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