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Christmas Gift Exchange
I exchange Christmas gifts with my brother and his wife in another state each year. This year I chose to make a donation in their name to a National charity. When my sister-in-law received the card notification, she e-mailed me saying that she already makes a donation to this charity each month and I should have told them that's how I wanted to give gifts this year because they already bought one for me and my 14 year old daughter. In my opinion, her response does not reflect the true spirit of giving. I sent a curt reply that I don't usually tell recipients what I'm giving them for gifts, and if their gifts to us are predicated on what I give, then please don't mail ours. The situation deteriorated in a later phone call, and I feel terrible that she didn't like my gift - but I also feel that her response was way off-base. If you think I should apologize, I will. Please advise.
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According to the written rules, sure you are right, but playing the ‘I’m right’ card isn’t in a very good spirit either, and it’s not going to fix the problem.
Yes, you were right to give a gift as you choose too and in the way you choose. You are entitled to do that, and her response was not terribly courteous, but it was genuine and practical.
When there is an established method or tradition of gift-giving, I must agree with your sister-in-law: It would have been courteous and appropriate of you to let her know your intention to do things differently and open a dialogue with her about your change.
No, you weren’t strictly REQUIRED to do so, but it would have been practical and courteous. Imagine you had been sending her Strawberry jam for Christmas every year, if suddenly one year you sent fruit salad. She’s probably be a bit miffed. She might handle it better, but she’d still be miffed! Even if it goes against sense and the spirit of giving it is still very human, and not evil, to cry out “But… but… that isn’t what I expected!”
Especially if there are any young people involved (young people don't always handle changes in gift-giving traditions graciously and need to be appropriately prepped for them) it does make sense to forewarn your family about changes in long-standing traditions. This whole thing could have gone down a good deal more pleasantly if you had and she could have said "Oh! Well we do make a donation there already, what about sponsoring an endangered animal or some such? Or this other organization we both have an interest in…"
Sure, that might not have been her response. But if it wasn’t at least you would have known in advance and could have made a choice based on her attitudes towards the whole thing (even if that choice was to call off gift-giving this year!)
Perhaps you don’t need to apologize, but it might do you both some good if you can admit that it might have been better to discuss this change before making it, because, well, it probably would have been.
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