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sex and abortion
im 19/f and have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We've had sex quite a few times but we just had a very intense talk recently and he has decided that we won't be having sex until my views change. Im personally against abortion, but thats just me. Other people can do it, I just wouldn't be able to handle it. When we have sex we use condoms and Im on the pill. He's just so worried that something will go wrong and i'll end up pregnant and we both arent ready for kids. I just don't think its fair that I have to change my beliefs to make love to my boyfriend. We're pretty much 100% safe. If anything did go wrong, I'd pick up some plan B the next morning. He's just so afraid we'll be that unlucky 0.1%. I don't know what to do...
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Personally, I think your boyfriend has a point. I don't believe in abortion myself, but you guys should have been having this discussion BEFORE you started having sex. I think that if you're mature enough to be having sex, you should be mature enough to make a plans in case something unexpected happens. And if you can't agree, perhaps you need to abstain. As someone cited before, it wouldn't be fair to your partner to have his life complicated by an unwanted child. And it wouldn't be fair to you to have to raise a child without the support of its father.
But it's not as though abortion vs. raising the child are your ONLY options. There is always adoption. Yes, that's 9 months of your life you won't get back, but it's so that you can give your baby a life and a family. In my opinion, that's a small price to pay.
Some excellent 'selling points' for adoption are that you're not financially responsible for that child, but if you look into an open adoption, you can have contact with them & watch them grow up. Ultimately, the adoptive parents would have the final say when it came to how they were raised, but you would be able to be part of your childs life.
There is also the option of closed adoption, where the biological parent chooses not to have contact with the adoptive family or the child.
There are so many families out there just praying that someone will choose them to adopt their baby. And like I said, it's nine months of your life. If your boyfriend weren't ready to be a father, and you weren't willing to bend your beliefs, adoption could be a possible compromise.
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Not being able to have sex because your opinions and comfort with risk are different from your partner, that is unfortunate, not unfair.
What wouldn't be 'fair' is if your boyfriend needed to support a child for the next 18 years even though he made a choice not to have sex or take that risk.
Now if your boyfriend is holding this over your head and saying ‘Change or else’, well then he is a douche and you should dump him. But that isn’t what it sounds like happened.
What it sounds like happened is that after a long discussion your boyfriend made a very mature and responsible decision. Sex is ALWAYS risky, and he had decided he just can't handle that risk. You are right, the risk is very small, however if even that small risk is not acceptable to him, then he made the right choice. Imagine the positions were reversed and a female friend came to you saying ‘I’m just too nervous, I can’t have sex anymore.’ I imagine you’d feel a little bit more sympathetic to her plight then you do to your boys.
The only thing you can do is try and educate him about birth control and the choices you DO have and are willing to make. It is likely that he doesn’t really understand them as they are a bit of a mystery to most adult males. Explaining how they work, expressing your comfort and expertise in using them might help to quell his fears. Perhaps even having the conversation of ‘Well, if we do get pregnant, what are our choices then?’
Now, that might not work. More knowledge might not make him more confident, but it’s the only rational thing to try. If he still doesn’t want to have sex, you need respect that, or break up with him. Because No means NO, even when the guys says it.
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Honestly, I am against abortion too. And good for you that you have your own beliefs. But those are your beliefs and NO ONE should be making you change them. I understand that you love your boyfriend and want to have sex with him, but what you believe is your choice and he needs to understand that. I know you both aren't ready for kids and it is good that you are almost 100% safe, but there is always a chance of getting pregnant, big or small. My suggestion, is to be straightfoward with him. Tell him that prolife is your choice and he needs to understand that. B/c if he loves you he won't put you in a position where you have to change what you believe in, thats not right.
SO just talk to him and see how it goes, good luck with everything, and no one can change how you feel about life, only you can, your in control here. :)
<3 Jeannie
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