I am a father of three, girl, boy, girl, all are now over 18. I have been married for 29 years as of 6-30-07, so yes, if you do the math I was married at 18, just after graduating high school. I am very aware of the pit falls of doing so, but we made it through the really tough times. I came to this site, because of my daughter, she also uses the site.
I am an author and have written three books, only one under this name, but it is not how I make my living. I am in business, working full time and I have a seasonal business in ponds, selling Koi, goldfish, water plants and supplies. I help people to plan and build ponds, as well as, maintenance if they need it.
I am not here for the ratings and could careless what you rate me. I will tell you things I know, I will tell you what you don't want to hear, but most of all, I will tell you things from my perspective. I have experienced a lot in my life, I have not lived with my head in the sand and I'm a realist, you want someone to blow smoke up your as*, don't read my writings, (I don't do fairy tales).
I am not so foolish as to think I am always right, I can only tell you what I know and give you something to think about. It is up to you to find out if I'm right or not.
Life is complicated, because people are complicated and one answer does not necessarily fit all, but that doesn't mean you should not consider what I say as a possibility.
Feel free to write me personally if you wish, there is only so much you can say in such a restrictive environment as this site is, it doesn't allow for proper conversation.
Thank you for coming to my column and giving me the chance to help.
E-mail: gibber@cableone.net
Gender: Male
Location: Minnesota
Age: 53
Member Since: May 14, 2008
Answers: 285
Last Update: March 27, 2013
Visitors: 26922
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i like that my eye color is blue, but usually its more of a dark blue/gray and i was wondering if there is any way (besides contacts, because i don't wear them) to get my eyes to look a lighter blue? or even any make-up i could wear? (i usually wear black eyelinear and black/brown mascara) thankss! (link)
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Please, don't bother rating me on this, but there is a way that your eye color will change. I have blue eyes as well, passion, anger and other intense emotion will turn your eyes the deepest color blue you have ever seen. So walk around angry all the time. Haha
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i am looking for A program that could help me make my book... i don't want to use one of those online publishing ones because they claim a big chunk of rights and profits .... is there like a program that just provides layouts for books and one which i could upload my own images and text, color, design...etc to?? most importantly i need a freeware or something temp... i already spent a fortune on indesign illustrator and photoshop
please help!
(link)
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Look into Iuniverse, they are a self publisher, but last I knew they take no rights to your book. Money, well that's another thing.
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i dont know what to do... i just feel like my family doesnt car about me at the moment. my mum works night shift as a nurse so she is between working 10PM to 7AM, sleeping in the day and always watches tv in her room. when i ask her to take me somewhere she says
"i cant im working" or "ill think about it" or "im not up to it" theres always an excuse.
my sister lives in a granny flat out the back of my house and is never home and my other sister who im closer to stays at her bf's house all the time and is never home. like i dont see her all week and soon she is going away for work for 3 months and i feel like she is leaving me behind and when she used to be home more she was the only one who seemed to care and got me though when things where shit at school.
i just feel like no one is there for me and sometimes i dont feel like eating and that no one would care if i wasnt even there. lately iv been thinking about physically hurting myself so theyd notice and i dont know why.
i havent talked to friends at school cos i know they wouldnt understand.
i just feel alone and lost and i hate being left by myself at home all the time. what should i do? i need someone to talk to.
17/f
(link)
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Pain reminds one that they are alive, but you seem to be acting like you are not. Proactive, remember that word and look it up if you don't understand it. Get over the fact that your family thinks you are adult enough that they don't have to entertain you and do what you want to do. Have you tried spending time with them doing what they are doing. Jump in bed with your mom and watch TV with her. Don't tell her about poor little you not getting attention any more, in fact, don't say anything, let her tell you about poor little mom for a change. Family's grow and grow apart, it is the way of things, but they never stop loving. Stop trying to draw attention to yourself and pay attention to them for a change. Caring goes both ways, you want them to care about you, care about them and their day and their life and their problems, then maybe they will care more about yours.
Sorry if I seem harsh, it is not my intention, but sooner or later we all need to learn, it is not always about poor little me.
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I have been involved with my x-husband for 17 years now. We were married for 5 years and have been divorced for 2 years now. He has become so distant, and boring. We don't talk anymore, or do anything anymore and everytime I try to talk to him about our future he changes the subject. We used to talk about everything all the time. We were best friends. He doesn't answer any of my emails from work anymore. He doesn't call me on his lunch or breaks anymore. The only thing he wants to do when we have free time is sleep. Everytime I ask what he would like to do, he responds saying whatever you want to do, or whatever you want to eat. He asked me to remarry him 10 months ago, but I said No, I needed time. Now when I try to discuss the subject, he completly ignores me. Is this relationship over? When we aren't at work, we are always together so I don't think he is seeing anyone else. He has in the past, but I don't think he does it now. Does he not want me anymore. He shows differently than he speaks. What should I do? How should I address or approach it? (link)
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Hmm, let's see. From your writing I get the impression that this person is a guy, not a man and struggling with that. Seems he wants to commit at times, but mostly does not. Committing is a way of life, not just what you do with one person. I would guess he has doubts about himself, as we all do, but his seem more overwhelming to him.
Do you know the term, "Making peace with God"? Well, I see that as accepting your lot in life and floating down the stream of life, instead of fighting the current. Years ago I accepted that if my only importances in life were to be a good father and husband, I would except that. You know, what it all comes down to, (and this is not a commercial), what do you want to see on your tombstone? If mine reads, he was a good father and husband, I will smile as I read it.
I know in many ways I have not given you answers here, but this is your life, you must decide his merits, but I hope I have given you some insight.
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I need an honest viewpoint on this.
Lets say you're a 16 year old girl and you broke up with your 16 year old boyfriend (which is my case). You broke up with him because he's been giving you really obvious hints that he didn't wanna be together anymore. He even said so one time. After a week of breaking up, he sends you a text saying something like: "You're contagious because I cried for no reason last night"
and all of a sudden, you start seeing your ex boyfriend depressed. (he never was before...in fact, he was happy). He tries to flirt with you more... He doesn't eat at lunch...he feels really sad and crappy. He doesnt flirt with girls like he usually did to try and make you jealous. He just sits in your table at lunch and sulks.
If this was your case, do you think he's depressed over the break up?
Thank you (link)
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The only thing I would add to what has already been said is, these are also the symptoms of mourning. People associate mourning with death, but we mourn for loss, not death. Be a friend, help him explore what this is, if it is mourning, he will work through it. It is not a reason for you two to become an item again. If it works out in the end that you get together again, you will both be stronger for it.
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well i heard that if you have sex to much your vagina gets loose.how does that happen? (link)
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To add to the previous post, the vagina is lined in muscles, that is why certain exercises will fight this and it is what allows childbirth. So like any muscle, if you don't exercise them, they will loosen up. Don't worry too much about it though, for most men, it doesn't matter that much. And by the way, sex has very little to do with it, actually, the muscles contracting during the female orgasm works those muscles.
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I get it before, during and after. I'm wondering if this is supposed to be normal? It's really bothering me. I've never experienced much of PMS before I got onto the pill. I've been on the pill for over a year and out of nowhere for the past few months I go through 3 weeks of hell. (link)
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The pill mimics pregnancy to keep you from getting pregnant. This puts your body into constant pregnant mode until the week of your period. You are most likely confusing PMS with your bodies production of hormone levels that you would normally not have. As long as you are on the pill, your body will think you are pregnant and your hormones will make you act as if you are. So if you are going to stay on the pill, you must be willing to deal with the consequences of them.
Don't be surprised that the makers of the pill, or the doctors that dispense them haven't told you this, there's no money it for them to tell you.
Follow up:
You ask me why others don't experience this, I would ask you how you know they don't? Others do experience this, a lot of others, but not all. Just like some women don't experience morning sickness and go through pregnancy without a problem.
Before you decide that this is not the problem, maybe you should try researching what I have told you. Hey, here's a great idea, stop having sex for a while and go off the pill for a few months, see if this solves your problem. Oh, but then you'll lose your boy friend won't you? After all, it is the only reason he is your boy friend.
You're hostility towards my answer is blinded by your emotion and you want an answer that suits you, like most, you want an answer that doesn't involve inconveniencing you or your happiness. Life is not that easy dear one.
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There is this woman I having been working with for the past few months, she is my supervisor. At work she really annoys me because she thinks she's better than everyone at her job and talks shit behind everyone's back really bad. then she is super sweet to their faces. I have been going out with her once a weekend or so to the bars and maybe shopping..mostly we just party together. She calls me her "best friend" but i really do not feel the same way. Then I found out that she was "best friends" with the last two people that got fired off our crew. Some people having been telling me not to trust her...and now I am scared that one day she will turn on me and pretty much mess up my work life. Maybe I am just paranoid. Anyway, I feel bad living a lie because the way I hang out and stuff with her makes me as fake as her in a way. What can I do to avoid any conflict, and should I feel guilty of being her "friend" and do you think I have a risk of being an "ex-best friend" and get fired or miserable at work? thank you. (link)
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This is a serious business educate violation, not on your part, but hers. As your superior she should not have an outside relationship with you, it opens up all kinds of harassment possibilities. Even outside of work, she is still your boss and this effects everything you do. When she does something out of line and realizes it, that is when she will likely fire you to preserve her own job.
You are in a lose lose situation here. You try to stop this relationship and she will most likely fire you. You go above her head and she will fire you, eventually, or make you so miserable that you will quit. There are reasons why most businesses have non-fraternization rules in there employee hand books.
You can try to end your "friendship" and keep your job, but it is more likely she will fire you when you do. There are examples of this already I would guess.
Or, you can be smart, save yourself a lot of trouble and find another job. I would be curious to see if your best friend status remained after you moved on.
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i have a problem of getting annoyed with people way too easily. its how i lose half my friends b/c once you get on my nerves its like i dont wanna hangout with you anymore. then i get called a bitch and i seem to be losing more and more friends.. and maybe i am a bitch. help?! (link)
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Maybe you are, or maybe you are just particular about who you call a friend, as you should be. Let me ask you. Your eating out, you know what you want to eat, but they bring you something else. When you say, "this is not what I wanted", the waiter says, "So, just eat it anyway". Are you going to eat it, pay for it and smile as you walk out?
Having high standards for what you want in friends is not wrong, it's smart. Just taking everybody and anybody as friends will cause you untold trouble through your life, don't fault yourself for knowing this instinctively. Be careful that you don't remove someone from your circle for stupid reasons, but don't be an any buddies either, that's the path to victim hood.
Be friendly, not gullible.
Just another way to look at it.
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Exactly how does one know they are polyamorous? Is it just a cop-out term to justify cheating, or is it a real condition? (link)
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Good question,
It would be my contention that until recent times, man has not been monogamous, where women, (for the most part), have been so. Until reliable birth control, women it seems to me, had made little demands on their husbands to be "faithful". The reason being, they did not want to get pregnant, they were more then willing to let others take that risk. Is there a difference between a condition and a habit? Can you erase thousands of years of this kind of behavior in a mater of generations? It doesn't help when we have attitudes like, "oh, he's just sowing his wild oats", or we excuse such behavior as, "that's just the way guys are". Or the father that give his son the ataboy when he scores with the good looking cheerleader. Is it a condition, one could argue that.
Thanks for the thought provoking question, Be well.
I find it interesting that you ask a question that is not advise, but opinion. Yet you rate that OPINION and do so with such a mediocre rating. If you are going to ask such questions, don't rate them. I will not make the mistake of answering an opinion question again
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17/f.
bf is 18
hi...i need some advice =].. my whole life i've let my mom intimidate me and control it... when she feels like she loses control of me she goes on a rampage.. a couple of months ago, my bf and my mom had an encounter... she was talking and he just walked out... from that day on she dOESNT want me with him. but i care for him alot.. we been through alot of things even though we've only been dating for 6 months... what should i do? i stood up to her, and told her i was still dating him... she was mighty pissed... but i cant let her run my life forever... any advice? (link)
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Respect, respect, respect, it would do better if you told us why there is so little respect paid to your mom and why she pays you so little. Are you known for making bad decisions, or treating her with disrespect? Does your boy friend know what respect is? Overbearing, control freak, whatever you want to call her, is that respect? She has got to this point in life and more so, got you to this point in life and you owe her more then that. You should be mad at your boy friend, not your mother, though I do not support her disrespect of you either. It is not your place, or your boy friends, to tell your mother anything, nor is it her place to make demands of whom you spend your time with, (at 17). Speak of respect with your mom and your boy friend and start acting as though you are due it.
Be well
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This might be a silly question, but I just want your opinions.
When is the age that you should (well, not 'should'... you know what I mean) start dating. Like really be looking for a long-term relationships and even potentially a future husband? I've never really dated seriously before, and I would just like to know what a good age/stage in life would be to start looking for a potential husband.
I'm 17 and a half, and I would to get married at 21-22. (I'll be done with college when I'm 21, and I want to have a kid before 24... LOL I know I'm weird).
(link)
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It depends, do you want to marry a man, or a guy? Speaking generally, guys do not become men until they are well past 25 and you would have to look real hard to find one worthy of being a father at age -24. I have always told my daughters to not even bother with dating until 25, they didn't listen to me and neither will you. They pay for it on a regular basis and so will you. If I may suggest, get through college, get a job, invest your money and get yourself stable, then go looking for a man who has done the same. Make sure you have the option to say home with your children before they get to school age.
Even though you won't take my advice, Be well
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I am a man in my 20s. I've had this female friend since I started college, and she's one of the best friends I could ever ask for.
Thing is, I have had a crush on her since she and I met. Now, the attraction never changed, but I know that she will not see me as anything more than a friend. In fact, she's maintained friendships with people who were attracted to her, because as she says, "Why should she let that change the friendship?"
The thing is, I don't know how to tell her. I'm afraid that I'll be the exception to her rule. And I know she and I will not be together like that, but I want to be honest with my friend.
Help me be honest without losing my friend. I know it already seems like she would accept me anyway, but still, I'm afraid. (link)
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Good sir,
I have always tried to live my life with no regrets, but the things that go unsaid in life are some of the biggest regrets one can have. The one thing most women do not understand is, that men can not be friends with a women unless there is something that attracts them to her in the first place.
You will see the day that you will regret not telling her the truth and you will wonder what might have been. Not only that, but your friendship is will not last either way. There will come a point where you will have to let her go whether you tell her or not, it may be when she falls for another guy, or when she marries him, (three is a crowd in your case). There are very few men that would not notice your "crush" for her and even fewer that would tolerate it. You would be a contention between the women you love, (face it), and her man. If you ever want a chance to be that man, she has to know your feelings for her. To be important, you have to be willing to take chances and stick your neck out. You can love friends, but you can't be in love with friends, make your choice and make your move. What is the difference, fail now, or fail later?
Good luck my friend, from one who took a chance and found his soul mate of 30 years now.
Thank you for responding so quickly, but come on, you think men are the only ones with ego? Telling this young lady will not cost you your friendship, it will only feed the ego her statement to you clearly says she has. You might find out what you think you know is wrong.
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Maybe 6 months ago I enjoyed life. I changed schools, made loads of new friends, I was doing ok in school and I had enough free time.
Now, when I get home from school I basically have to start studying straight away, otherwise I won't have enough time for everything. The only thing I'm looking forward to is going to a festival at the end of June...and I can only go to that if I don't fail anything on my final report. When I'm in school, I tend to feel worthless...there was a guy who'd always be with me, and then one day, he told me he had a girlfriend and I felt torn apart. Now when I look at myself in the mirror I just see s*it.
Anything I could do to make myself feel better?
People tell me I'm pretty, funny and I have a great personality but I don't feel it.
I used to be so outgoing, funny and bright...what's happened to me?
15/f (link)
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It amazes me how many people turn right away to mood changing drugs just because of a down swing. You have answered all already in your letter. You are experiencing morning at the loss of someone you should be calling a friend. Because he is see someone else, he can not be your friend? Secondly, there are times in our life that we take on too much and it becomes overwhelming. What was not too much for you 6 months ago, is now, drop something(s) for awhile and stop trying to be super girl at 15.
You will have your ups and downs through life, don't try to cover them up, learn to except them and deal with them. Find people on your path in life to help you and don't dismiss them just because they have a girl friend, a boy friend, are married, or are waaaay older then you.
Be well, save the super girl part for when you are much older and become a super mom.
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Do people who feel the need to hide things or lie ever really change? I want an answer from someone who has been in a LONGGGGG term relationship (link)
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I have been married for 30 years this coming 6-30 and I was a lier out of necessity until I was 17. Most people lie out of necessity, to avoid punishment. When there is no longer a fear of punishment, there is no longer a need to lie. You want lying to stop, take the fear of punishment away.
Nice idea isn't it, to bad it only works with people that are really honest deep down. Some people can not help lying, you can catch them dead to rights in a lie and they will insist that they are not lier's.
It can take some time to find out what type they are, is it more work then your willing to put into this person?
Be well
P.S. A study I read some years back said:
15% of people are completely honest and would never do anything dishonest.
15% of people are dishonest and would do something dishonest whether or not they felt they could get away with it.
Here's the kicker: 70% of people would do something dishonest if they felt they would not get caught.
Do you feel lucky?
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Everyone here has been saying "if that's how your partner (boyfriend/fiance/whatever) is then that's who you chose and you can't and shouldn't change them" ... what I'm saying is doesn't that go the same for us women? ... for example: when we started dating he knew i didn't like this or that yet he still dated me. So instead of me trying to change him or him trying to change me.. shouldn't we compromise and make changes ourselves without being asked? When you love someone, wouldn't you climb mountains to make things work? (link)
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I once knew a couple who used similar logic, he had a drinking problem, she didn't like it. She thought she could teach him a lesson by adopting a drinking problem herself and "show him". He died at age 43 of alcohol related problems, last I heard their son was in prison and who knows about their youngest daughter, and she came away from it with a drinking problem of her own.
The most important thing in life is to become the person that YOU can live with. Who do we think we are to believe we have the right to decide that for another person.
If I gave you the impression that trying to change another applies only to the guy, you got it wrong. You should no more adopt his bad habits for "compromise", then he should give up a bad habit because you tell him too. Resentment is not a good way to start a life together. You make him do anything and he will resent you, as you would resent him. I only addressed these questions from your angle, because the questions demanded it.
In the important things in a marriage there is no compromise, if one of you wants a child and the other doesn't, you can't compromise and have half a kid. A proper home life is only achieved by a united front, if a man or women does not believe as you do, how to live your lives together, your marriage is doomed from the start. Think about it.
Lastly, guys choose their women first and foremost by looks, (we are visual creatures), women choose by other standards, if this wasn't true us ugly guys would never get any. We will over look things for most of our earlier years and if you're lucky enough to hang in there long enough for our testosterone levels to drop, then we will start loving you for much more then your looks and actually start caring about changing our bad habits.
Be well
Gee, I must have missed something here, I was speaking of forcing a person to change, not setting a good example and allowing them to change themselves. Ultimatums don't work, for a person must want to change in order to change. You are talking about taking a persons free will away from them and making them into what you want, instead of allowing them to be what they want, but boy, your rating of me has sure put me in my place. Because you don't agree with what I say, I guess I should change and start thinking like you and become your trained little puppy, I'll go to my corner now that you've slapped my nose. You are living in the movies, not the real world. You need a robot, not an individual. A real man or women would drop a person like this in a heart beat.
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I am dealing with a huge weigh on my shoulders. Last year I went through the hardest time of my life. I had been with my ex-boyfriend on and off for almost a year and a half. He moved away for school but we hook up when he would come home. I ended up pregnant and he made me feel like there was no way to keep the baby. I was in a horrible state with my hormones running wild and all the added stress of school. I was 2 months away from receiving degree. But I knew it was going against everything I believe in.
I feel totally depressed. Its been a year and I still have the pregnancy weight, I feel totally guilty for what I did. It kills me inside to think about what I did. I have no one to talk to because its such a sensitive issue. My friends haven't been through this and I dont want to dwell my issues on them. I lost all my confidence i feel fat and ugly because of what I did. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel totally alone :*( (link)
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You can tell me I have no right in this subject at all, as most abortionists will. I am a man and I have no say when it comes to a womans body, but these proponents who care so much about your body, care nothing about your mind. I sit here and weep for you; not for your unborn child. You will spend the rest of your life in tears as this anniversary roles around every year, beating yourself up for a decision made in haste and angst. It was selfish and unthinking in your mind and no matter what I say, you will always think that way. The one thing you forget is that which is unseen, your god. Do you think an omnipotent, (one who knows all), did not know that you would abort this baby? Do you think there was actually a spirit with in this baby that he knew you would abort? If you do, you sell your god short. Please take my tears and the lessons you must take, cry for the living and forgive yourself.
Be well, I hold you in my thoughts
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When I was little and did something bad, my parents used to beat me with a leather belt, however, they only did that when I did something bad (threw a tantrum, talked back rudely, wouldn't listen, etc). When I got these whippings, they hurt (a lot, like somebody slashing your butt numerous times with hot sharp knife).
In my parent's country, that was just the way you disciplined children who were bad. But they did it here, in the USA. (So I really believe they thought they were doing the right thing.)
Now, my last whipping was when I was 11 (I'm 17 now), but I was just wondering, was that abuse? And my parents are wonderful parents and I love them a lot, so don't tell me to report it or something.
Also, my brother never got that punishment,no matter what horrible thing he did, which makes me feel kind of like my parents don't like me as much.
I don't know. I would just like some feedback. Tell me what you think. Oh, and I'm a girl. (link)
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Corporal punishment was a common thing here in the US not long ago with parents, I lived through it, but with a twist. I was beat for little to no reason, my younger brother delighted in blaming me for the things he did so he could watch my mother beat me with a metal fly swatter, electrical cord, or whatever she could find handy. You search for reason in something that has none. Why does anyone take things to this extent? Pleasure, frustration, or they just don't know another way. You will not be satisfied with any reason they give you, trust me on this one. Instead of wondering why they did not do this to your brother, be thankful they did not do this to your brother. I was there to take all this punishment and it spared my younger brother and sister, I am glad for this. Realize that you are coming to a new life and soon enough the stage of life you enter will make this seem like it was another life. Parents are so often counted on to make the children's life a bed of roses, learn now that it is up to you to make it so.
Be well
P.S. Learn the right lesson, then leave it alone. Find another way to discipline your children once you have your own.
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Why do people think "well this is what all men do deal with it" when it comes to porn? Honestly, does every man in the world watch it? Isn't any woman confident enough to believe she is enough to please her man's sexual desires? In addition, why should one have to deal with something they feel is disrespectful? That's like saying that it's okay to be disrespected. While some people feel that it's okay, shouldn't those who feel otherwise have their wishes respected? (link)
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Razhie is a perfect example of how men and women differ in this respect. Most men are visual learners, as well as, visual in nature. Since the early days of humans, men have relied on vision for survival; it takes a keen eye to be a hunter. Women have relied heavily on the minds and hearing to keep them and their children alive. So why is it so hard to understand that men are turned on visually and women are turned on mentally. Men choose there mates by what they see, women choose the mates by what they know. Your man has chosen you in large part because you turn him on, why do you question this? I have porn playing on our TV in our bedroom while we play for several reasons. The light from the TV allows me to see her, (remember, men are stimulated visually), with out the bright over head light. Two, it is less distracting then Everybody Loves Raymond.
Be well and stop trying to fight nature, be smart, use it.
P.S. As a side note and don't take this personally. Any women who does not pay attention to what her man's preferences are when it comes to porn is insecure beyond the point of foolishness. Your man revels himself in the porn he prefers to watch and read. If you want to know your man and his fantasies, watch and read with him, you may learn something you didn't know.
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yea.
so ive had this health teacher and i thought he was the coolest person ever. and then he said today:
"...males are only on earth to reproduce.."
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this statement. it...it makes me want to kill myself. im a 15 year old boy and i thought about that sentence DEEPLY for a LONG TIME, and i think i should kill myself. my life is a lie. they say eat healthy and stay in shape yet everyone dies anyway, and thanks to that statement i rly am questioning whehter or not i should go on in life.
idk. any statements? (link)
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Everything aside, shame on you for believing this man and holding him in such high esteem that he effects you like this. Life is so much more then reproducing, does not your experience with your parents tell you this. I gave up my life for my kids, as any father should. My wants and needs became last behind my children and my wife, this is just reproduction? Man, if I could be like the eagle who kicks their children out of the nest inside of a year and fights to the death if needed if they come to close to my nest, well, just dreaming. The most important thing you will ever do in your life will be to become a father and try against all odds to raise your children to become good strong adults and when you fail, you will have the pleasure of watching them try to raise their child and fail too, but in the end, someone will get it right.
Be well and take care to whom you place on a pedestal,
P.S. Does this mean that those who don't have kids failed to serve their purpose? Your purpose is not to breed, but to serve. Arilius Mar once said, "I did not set out to be a great leader, only to serve."
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