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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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I am a 32 year old female and I want to start an event for people with disabilities where they would play games and do crafts like panting and drawing at least once a month. The problem is I don't even know where to begin . Do I need first aid classes since I will be envolved with people with disabilities.do I need a permit? Could this be held at my church if I talk to my pastor about getting it started. I live in a small town and I have some minor disabilities myself and realized there is nothing for people with disabilities in my town to do and really any one else. Do you think this is a good idea? Any suggestions on games and crafts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

I used to be a caregiver and took my female client to a group that met once a month in her city and it was for disabled, both physically and mentally. It was so long ago I have forgotten the types of crafts but there was plenty and they were fun. There were about 3 people without disabilities running the event and I think we'd have anywhere from a dozen to a little more. There was plenty of chatting and socializing which was very needed. So I think your idea is terrific. Usually its easy to find in bigger cities but non existent in smaller cities/towns. Once people are coming regularly, they can give their wishes for certain crafts. As for the cost, not sure who supplied those or covered cost. Maybe have a donation jar to help for the next month. I did not search for or set her up, she was already attending and told me she wanted to go when I became her new caregiver.
I do know that there was never a mention of talling someone if you needed first aid since it was a large city with plenty of crisis intervention by calling 911. Each town or city has some of its own rules and laws so you would do best checking with your town hall about this, if a permit is needed, how it can be advertised and so on. One place I would suggest advertising is where people go to get their food stamps which is the local DSHS department (Dept of Social and Health Services) Perhaps they have suggestions or you can put up an ad there or better yet, get phone or email of any of their case workers who regularly check on their disabled clients of theirs once or twice a year, as they would be the best to hear about and pass the message on to their clients and encourage attendance. I would talk to your pastor now and see if there is a night this event could be held once or twice a month. If he's willing, perhaps mention volunteers to help or even donate craft supplies or money. I know my church has meetings groups held there weekly by agencies such as AA or dieters, etc but they were not church members and paid a small fee for the use of a room once a week. Now this changed during covid, depending on whether there were lock downs in town, then the church too was locked up to outsiders and those who were members and volunteers, had to wear masks inside and still do, no matter what the CDC is saying. So keep in mind following pandemic rules may still be important if you get this going quickly. You will likely want a list of names and numbers of those who attend so you can remind and or check if a person is planning to attend. Ours was a Monday. I would avoid Fridays or weekends unless a one time special event like a fundraiser for a weekend. This is all I can think of right now. I hope it helps. If not at the church, libraries usually have a meeting room available to rent out for meetings and parties and again that would take donations to cover the cost where maybe the church can help unless DSHS can tell you of places to hold the event. On yes, I remember one craft was making something slightly larger than wallet size to decorate and carry photos with you in it. These days, people just show you photos on their phone instead.

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I have a guy that I have liked for quite some time and I think he's a bit of a jerk then I'm confused about what to think about him. In person he seems to like being around me or sometimes finds ways to be near me. We don't talk much. He might be autistic but I'm okay with that. A few years ago I overheard him saying he thought I was hot to one of my friends and it gave me some hope about him lol. I'm in my 30's and he is in his late 20's. I tried reaching out to him via message and he has ignored me. I also asked for private dance lessons from him and he felt fattered and suggested someone else. Overall I'm trying to make friends with him. Today I reached out to him trying to invite him to a group and he never messaged me about it. SO again he ignored me. Does he not like me? Is it because we don't talk much? I've been trying to open up to him in person. I remember trying to get near him then he immediately moved then tried to summon me towards him then he walked back to me.
Overall I can't help but think he's fake. Is it because I don't talk to him much is the reason why he won't talk to me via messenger? When I'm around certain friends he usually comes around to talk to my friends. I'm trying to open up to him but I feel like he's just going to reject me. I'm really upset and frustrated by it, but idk why he keeps looking at me or does what he does...?

First, what is it you want? Do you really wish for having a boyfriend, just a friend only. If not interested, then non of your questions matter and you should not be trying to become friends. You can be friendly with a person like a coworker but not be actual friends away from work for example. Some guys may have a social media site, maybe a family member pushed them into doing it. I found many males don't like typing and will always ask for a phone number which I never gave. Don't give a number until you find a guy you are enjoying friendship with so much that you are falling for each other. I can't say that his issue is typing. If he has autism as you might be correct on, I have a high functioning autistic husband whom I hardly ever see any symptoms of autism from but the thing about input from too many sources at once may be what keeps him from doing some stuff. My husband enjoys music more than dance and cant handle doing both at once so he never even tries anymore to dance. Perhaps, he feels better one on one rather than going out somewhere where there is a group of people who could be distracting to him.
All you know at this point is that he likes how you look but it takes way more to have a successful rewarding healthy relationship.Then again, maybe his male desires give him enough balls to show a female some attention, but won't go further due to being embarrassed about something, a medical condition, never married, low income, or a myriad of other things. You did say you don't talk much in person. I am from another generation, before cells and pc's. I still meet and talk to people in person to start off, if I like, I will then date until I see whether he is consistently exactly what I want, or he is just a very good faker who was trying to catch me only due to my looks, not who I am inside. That seems to be what most females want. He just may be more of an old fashioned type and need you to have chats with him in person. If in person talks seem to fail due to him not carrying his end of the talk, then you could ask. "I don't mean to pry but feel I need to ask you something in order to understand better. Did I read you wrong, are you interested in me or not? Is there anything that might be holding you back from even talking to me or is that how you are naturally with everyone.

This can very easily happen as it did to me. Met a guy at Starbucks and he had just ordered. Didn't know from bad pic what he looked like so I asked if he was 'Chris', just making up the name. He didn't say anything, just nodded yes. At the table, if I asked an open ended question, which is one that can't be answered with a yes or no, he would say nothing. Rest of the time, he just nodded, shook his head for no or shrugged his shoulders. I carried the whole conversation and at the end thanked him for meeting me but he was not what I was looking for. (Even though I made that clear in my profile) So if not using the internet, to meet only, then this stuff needs to be said before the first date, when a guy shows interest.

Don't think a person is fake or bad until you know enough to know its true, at which point, youk don't go out of your way to associate with them in any way shape or form, being civil and nice if seeing them in public. All that is needed is acknowledgement of their presence, a nod or Hi is okay, nothing more needed.

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I hope you don't mind me coming to you for advice personally like this, but I really need help fast and I think you're the best person to help me.

I really screwed up tonight and I feel terrible about it. There's this guy who works at a grocery store that I go to a lot who's always very nice to me and talks to me every time we see each other. I used to think he was just a really nice guy who was like that with everyone, but tonight when I went to the store, he stopped me and after a minute of talking to each other, he asked if I wanted to get together sometime. I'm such a moron, I honestly thought he just wanted to hang out as friends. I said yes because hanging out as friends sounded nice, but after a minute, I realized he was asking me out. By that time, I'd already said yes, so it was too late to turn him down. I feel terrible because I know I could've gotten out of it right then and there if I'd tried harder, but I was just so surprised and caught off guard that I couldn't think fast enough to know what to do. But I'm gonna have to cancel on him.

There are a lot of reasons I can't, and honestly, don't want to go out with this guy. He's a lot older than I am. I'm 34 and I don't know exactly how old he is, but I'd guess that he's around 70. That's way too big of an age gap for me. Also, I've got way too much going on in my life right now to want a relationship. My mom's undergoing cancer treatment. She's technically cancer free as of now, but she's still gonna have to do radiation and possibly a double mastectomy. My dad's been treating her poorly and causing all kinds of problems between them lately and I'm trying to help with that. I currently don't have a job or my own place to live. My life's just too complicated right now for me to want to get into a relationship. There's just no way I can go out with this guy.

I feel like I could tell this guy what I told you about my life being too crazy right now to get into a relationship, but I fear he'd just think I was making excuses not to date him. And how would I explain why I said yes in the first place? I feel like I couldn't tell him that I didn't realize he was asking me out because he eventually made that pretty clear after I'd already said yes. What's killing me is that I made him so happy when he thought we were gonna go out. He was EXTREMELY happy and he's such a nice guy. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't know how to get out of going out with him without doing so. I feel like a monster (and a moron) for getting into this situation. It's really breaking my heart and making me question my character, not to mention my intelligence. Do you have any advice as to what I should do?

I have had a busy week and haven't been on line so didn't see your note til now. In case its not too late or for next time, I will share with you anyhow.


I agree you have too much going on emotionally to really be available emotionally in starting a relationship right now. First, don't think of yourself as stupid, or a moron because a good amount of people who are crushing on someone or want a date, will not be clear, only come across as being extra friendly. I was being my cheerful self, years ago on a dance floor and a woman dancing approached me and says, "Are you bi sexual?" she was, I wasn't so I said no. Her answer, "Oh, sorry, I thought you were." "Why?" I asked. "Oh, for me its your body language and something about your face." It is very easy to mistake anothers persons desire or lack of. It goes either way. I think that age is important to you. Most 70 yr olds are working pt on top of their social security check. If money is not tight, they won't work at all, and only to the limit one can without losing their soc. sec. check each month they work too much. I worked a bit in a grocery and was shocked when carding everyone as we had to. The people I thought were a decade or two older than me, were actually younger than me, which could mean high stress in life or some major sickness that aged them early. So he was more likely to have been in the 50s because someone the age you are thinking of, in almost all cases does not even try to ask out someone who is between the ages of his children and grandchildren.

Now, about not wanting to hurt a guy, what if you were asking and the guy says yes but is not attracted to you, only wanting to prevent hurting your feelings. You would not like having wasted time going out with someone you can't have a future with. That is not a good excuse. The right excuse is lack of chemistry, both the chemistry to be best friends and the chemistry to be more than friends as in sexually attracted. After a divorce, I was ready to find a mate again, and being wiser, I was armed with knowledge of what doesn't work so when I started on line dating, I had to learn whether there was chemistry first, at least as friends and if there was, see if we had enough in common to start dating. So I suggest that when starting with a guy, you tell him, I will go out (if you are interested) but only on a coffee meet up so we can determine if there is enough in common to have chemistry. If you are not interested, you can say right off the bat, that you don't feel any chemistry so you won't be going out with him. Most guys understand the word 'chemistry' and have no problem with it as they would not go for a long term relationship with any female they also don't feel chemistry with. It's that simple. I used that line truthfully on many when I was ready to find a new mate. By the way, I found one. I did meet many nice guys but I had a list of what I was looking for in a guy and did not want someone who was too far different in political or spiritual matters. At a coffee meet up, is a good place to tell your story of whats going on emotionally right now in your life and how you can't even think about dating right now. I used this initial meet up as a way to tell guys everything I was looking for, being open about myself, sharing all my spots and wrinkles so to speak, and letting them know that if by the end of this meeting, you feel I am the wrong person for you, then you are free to walk away, no hard feelings. Never had a problem with that either. If in the future, when you are seriously ready to settle down and marry, let me know and I can share a document on how to find Mr. Right, with making of lists of must haves, wants, and understanding deal breakers, and basically being the HR dept hiring for the position of boyfriend or future husband.

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My boyfriend has cheated on me although we have been together for only 1year I can't believe he did that. His ex-wife of 11 years may she RIP she passed cheated on him when they were together and when we started talking we both told each other that we were not to cheated on each other. But for some reason I had a feeling and I would never have done it but I looked in his phone and he's talking with 2 women and has had sex with one of them. What should I do

P.s he obviously doesn't know that I know

Dr Stephanie told you that basically, the cheating is a defect in his character.
this reminds me of a story a pastor told regarding sin. how does one tell if someone is sinful when you are not. Well the part that stood out was the comparison to a pretty clay jar with a lid on top. It gets a crack through which vile looking lquid is seeping out slowly. you wipe it off and just think, it must have collected that from brushing up against something. We usually have no thought to check inside and see what might be there. If we checked, we'd see more of this vile liquid. A one time offense is merely a red flag pointing out that there is more of what happening,just waiting inside. So yes, a character fault. What you need to know now is that each human is given free will to do as they wish, either for good, or bad. While having more than one lover/partner is not wrong as in open marriage, swinging or polyamory what is wrdong is not letting ones partner know ahead of entering a relationship what they feel best doing. But people don't share this stuff because they fear not being wanted, rejected and in relationships, it's important to both be on level ground, believing the same things. If you want monogamy, do you really believe you will get that from him, even if you tell him and he says sorry. In dating, there should be no situation requiring sorry if the person is in love with you. I did not say loves you because that doesn't really gauge where their heart is at in relationships. People have preferances in food for example and will say, I love chocolate, I love pizza but its to only express a preference for because you really like something about those things. He may like some aspects of you, but not all. And that is not enough. In love with, means you really care about the welfare of the person you're with. You wish them to always be happy, healthy and in love with you. And if you see tears, you will be worried, and ask if you said or did something to make them unhappy. I have such a relationship with my 2nd husband. In the beginning, I didn;t think to tell him that other than holding hands, or a quick kiss in public, I was not okay with other PDAs such as the pats or grab of butt, or boobs. I do like that, at home in private. So when he did that the first time, I was so upset, I began to cry and seeing that, he asked if he'd done something to hurt me. The good thing here is that he asked, he cared and was worried. I did not tell him not to do it, I didn't go ballistic on him, i simply told him, I hadn't thought I had to make that rule clear in the beginning. He promised it would never happen again now that he knows. And he has kept that promise. The difference is, I gave him another chance only because I never made it clear at the beginning.

It is good that you both started out agreeing to never cheat on each other. Things were made clear so he has no excuse. Looks like he's not interested in serial monogamy which is the term for having sex only with the one woman you date, not many others. And you remain monogamous with her until the relationship ends and then you become monogamous with the next person you are with. I am one for telling the guys after they show interest in a second date, what all my boundaries and rules are. I don't know to what extent you both spoke a year ago, but it should have been made clear what your consequences would be for being cheated on. Women today unintentionally are training men to be lousy bfs and husbands, when the guy does something wrong and has no consequences for it. So ask yourself what you want more, a boyfriend, even if he cheats, or to go single again and look for someone better. The deal here is to always go for someone better than the last. So you have to decide if you want him as he is with these defects because one person can not change another. The desire to change and ability to see they need to change for the better needs to come from within a person. Being a good example is not enough and I tried that with first husband hon, it just won't work. So if you can't change him, you stay and be okay with his having other sex partners, or dating other women at the same time or you end it with him. It's up to you.

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My boyfriend Drew proposed marriage on a romantic camping trip about 2 months ago. I panicked and said I would have to “think about it.” He was gracious and said he would keep the ring in his pocket until I was ready to decide and said he respected my need to consider my options.
Even though he was classy about it, I felt rotten to see the totally crushed look on his face when he obviously thought I would say “yes” immediately. He tried to be brave and composed but you can just tell it was like I had mortally wounded him.
He has been somewhat depressed ever since, even though he tries to hide it and act upbeat and positive on the surface. He smiles and laughs sometimes, but it is a forced laugh and there is a sadness in his eyes like his dreams are dying. He is much quieter than normal. He does not know but I have watched him break down crying in his truck before he heads home some nights. I am not sure how I expect him to act under the circumstances, but I do feel guilty seeing him this way and I feel like I am torturing him with my own doubt.
We also have not had sex since then even though he previously was up for that every night of the week (and we were usually very active after the kids went to bed and before he went home for the night). When I have tried to initiate recently in ways he has always eagerly responded to in the past, he says he has to go and heads home early. I cannot blame him for not being in the mood.
At the same time, feeling bad for him and missing sex with him are not good reasons I think to say “yes” to marriage when I am not sure. Also, the more pressure I feel to say “yes” the more I feel panicked and rushed and want to hesitate.
In truth, he is a legitimate catch. He would be a great husband and an amazing father. We are all going to church again because of his influence. He may never be wealthy, but he loves his job as a conservation officer and will be a good provider. He is sexy, both in his uniform and out. If anything, I am a little intimidated by his level of fitness compared to my mom bod. He literally built a single room log cabin by hand on some land his parents gave him with nothing but axes and hand tools. He actually lives there. I am no fan of the outhouse, but he promised to have a proper home with plumbing and electricity built on the same property if we ever became a family.
There is an age difference with him at 26 and me at 32. Emotionally, he can be silly at times, but is usually very mature and responsible. He is actually calmer than me in a crisis. In appearance, he has that boyish clean-cut look that makes him look even younger but I would not change him – like a young Tom Cruise if he were taller, freckle faced, and not so arrogant. He tried to grow a beard and we both agreed it was not his look.
My two children adore him (daughter 8, son 6). He can be a big goofy playmate and makes them laugh constantly. It is a competition for his attention when he visits here for dinner and playtime every night of the week. He dreams up activities for us as a group most weekends. And yet, when he turns on the “dad voice” as I call it, they actually listen and behave. I think my late husband would have liked him. He honors the memory of their father by going to the cemetery with us and asks questions which seem to draw out happy memories from me and the children. The children are very attached to him already and I think he is attached to them.
I love him and he has told me he loves me, and he shows it in so many ways. I could share so many stories about how he made me feel safe, protected, loved, and cherished. He knows where to find the most amazing wild flowers and knows all their names and makes me a fresh bouquet randomly. He will text me the most amazing wildlife pictures during his workday. He failed to hang up his cell one day and I overheard him gushing about me to his supervisor and other officers and they teased him and told him he was “whipped” and he just said “yeah I guess so” but he was so sincere and I was embarrassed to tell him I listened. I am not 100 percent sure why I have hesitated and am still hesitating.
My parents think I should have said “yes” and are gently pressuring me to give him an answer. He asked for and got their permission before asking so they are in the loop. They support me either way, but are definitely on Team Drew. Thankfully the kids do not know or I would never hear the end of it.
So, I tried to make a list of negatives and this is what I came up with:
1. It has been three years since my late husband passed. Drew and I started dating one year ago. I think this was too soon maybe. I now worry about what others may think about me getting remarried -- especially the parents of my late husband who are both still alive. For what it is worth, they seem to like Drew because the kids rave about him. It does not hurt that Drew actually cut down and removed a dead tree that was about to fall on their house. They may be on Team Drew as well, but I just don’t want them to think their son is replaceable.
2. Drew is into hunting,fishing, and firearms and I don’t care for any of that. My son wants to learn about all that stuff now and I am not sure how I feel about that. Drew can teach him safety and actually does safety classes for the public, but I worry about having guns in the home and just have a negative feeling about guns. Drew always secures his weapon in a gun safe in his truck when he come in our home out of respect for my feelings on this. Also, I do know Drew loves animals and has risked injury to save wild animals more than once. He enjoys hunting, but also catches hunters who break the rules.
3. Drew can go too far with big gestures. I left him to babysit the kids one weekend when I had to travel for work and I come home to find he purchased lumber, shingles, and carpeting and built a tree house for the kids in our back yard. One of the neighbors complained to me later about the construction noise. Drew was clueless why I was so mad and explained he and the children waited to paint it so I could pick the color as if that made it okay. He did apologize later. I guess it was sweet, but it was way over the top.
4. Drew wants to have more children. I am still of age and healthy but not sure I want to go through that again in my 30’s. I am also not sure I want to have more children and I worry how that will make the kids feel to have brothers or sisters by a new father.
5. Drew is sort of a neat freak and I think he would take over the household. He is always organizing my cabinets, pantry, refrigerator, and garage and he does not even live here. I know he is just trying to do nice things but I don’t think the pantry has to look like a grocery store organized in sections with everything facing front. He also refolds my towels in my linen closet because he says I do it wrong. He thinks he is being funny, but it can be annoying.
6. Drew sometimes oversteps his role into parenting when he is still just a boyfriend and not even a step-parent. The other day my daughter was cleaning her bathroom and I asked why and she said Drew showed her how and assigned it to her as a chore and was paying her an allowance to do it to help me out. My son complained about not being able to play on his tablet and I asked why and he told me Drew had grounded him for using a bad word. When I got angry he actually defended Drew for punishing him saying he said the word just to see what Drew would do. Drew should have asked me about these things before doing them as I am the actual parent.
7. We also have political differences which I never thought would matter but it seems like they do. Drew is Team Red and I am Team Blue as he puts it. He has me using that word “team” for everything it seems including the Team Drew thing I came up with for this letter. I just realized that. He is not a Trump zombie, but he is hyper patriotic, gets emotional talking about injured veterans, is fixated on traditional gender roles, and a real defender of law enforcement. Some things I actually think we agree on (like protecting the environment). He gets furious about people polluting wildlife areas. He is very respectful about our differences. He is the first person I ever dated, however, that did not share my basic political views and I am not sure how we will handle it. He does not seem worried about it though. He is also very easily distracted by my flirting which is funny and he just loses his train of thought if we were having a discussion. It is my secret weapon on winning arguments for now. I just fear it will be a powder keg some day.
As I read my own list, it is confusing because I am like praising him on each negative point and it does not seem that horrible. I don’t want anyone who reads this to think badly about him because he is so wonderful and special in many ways. Am I being irrational? Am I ruining something really good by hesitating and worrying because it is not perfect and without risk? Should I say “yes” and join Team Drew like everyone else in my life? Am I just hunting for reasons to say no? Do any of my reasons make sense? Please tell me if they do. Are there red flags I need to just respect and say “no” to him? How do I break it to the kids if Drew and I break up because I refuse to get married? If I decided to say “yes,” how do I break the ice with Drew after making him wait for two long months with no answer? What if he has changed his mind?
Thank you for any comments or input.
Signed, Nervous Mom and Girlfriend

Hello there. Yes, it is long, but I tend to be long winded myself because I want to explain in details to people, not just make a statement that might be misinterpreted.
You are not irrational. You are simply without a plan on finding the right guy while at the same time being able to describe yourself fully and clearly. I believe I heard during prayer what to do, once I was single again, but wanting to find a guy to marry as I am too social to be happy alone. So I put the instructions in a document and will paste it in here. It is titled, "Finding Mr. Right" and is written mostly from the point of view of a woman looking for a man. You have one but not sure if he's right for you. If you follow the instructions, you should end up being sure. Yes, he has many good points. The bad points of going over your head on parenting, not planning together as a couple for the building of a playhouse for the kids is probably not meant by him to bother you, and he sees no problem because he is not yet 30 or older and doesn't have as much relationship experience. Maybe he is modeling his Dad who did such things for Mom or with Mom but they were married, and he may not be seeing how that makes a difference. Some talk that clears things up is much needed but not until you know for sure what you need in a guy.
Basically, you will need to go at this, forgetting about what you do know about him and make your list of what is important to you. You will need to act as your own HR department which is hiring for the position of boyfriend/husband and coming up with needed criteria for the applicant to have to get the job. It may sound mechanical, but it is the smartest way to get rid of the hesitations or doubts. I will paste in the document now and please write to me directly by going to the list of advice givers, finding me 'dragonflymagic' and asking more questions on the process or to run by your list so I can see if there is anything else you may have forgotten to list.

How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be 'I want a guy who wants to have kids' or 'I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry','I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief', 'I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.' “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user.”
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.

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(English is not my first language)
Hi. Me and my best friend are both girls, we are both 19 and we both like girls. We've known each other for 5 years now and we were always close since we first met. We just hit it off, you know?  We felt this strong connection towards one another like we've never felt before with anyone else. It was a friendship that felt like home. So, we were always close but in 2020 we got closer and that's when I fell for her (it would be weird if I didn't), but I only got the courage to tell her my feelings this year, mostly because this year she is going to go abroad to study in Canada for 2 years and maybe she won't ever come back to our country.  And so I told her, I was afraid she would want to stop talking to me, because that's what happens when someone loves you but you don't love them back, right?  But she didn't. She said she didn't want to lose me. Even though she doesn't feel the same.We then had this big conversation about it and she told me some things, like how she didn't felt weird at all with my confession, even though she would if any other friend of hers did the same, because the way she felt about me was different, - according to her, our friendship wasn't cold like her other ones, we have an intimacy she doesn't have with anyone else.She told me also that, sometimes, she catches herself thinking of what it would be like to date me and how the idea sounds good to her, (and how the idea of liking any other friend of hers felt weird to her).She said she would like to kiss me. That she is attracted to me but she tries not to think a lot about it because if she does she knows she would end up falling for me, and that's bad because it would hurt her, it would hurt her because she is going away and she can't bare the idea of liking someone who is far from her. (I should also mention that she told me she had a crush on me when we first met but she didn't let that crush grow into something bigger).She said she would let herself fall for me if things were different and that she wishes they were.That conversation left me feeling so confused, because to me it seems like she already likes me, what do you think? Because I don't really know what should I do. I mean, should I keep hope that maybe in the future when we are both settled with our lives we will have the opportunity to be together? Should I give up on her even if I don't want to because she is so special to me? I am so confused right now, any advice is welcomed. Thank you so much.

First, I am sorry to hear that your closest friend is moving far from you. Life does throw us all sorts of unexpected surprises. I do understand what you mean when you said she is home, to you. That is what my husband and I feel about each other. Being with him, no matter where that is, is home. So if that is the extent of how you both feel. That is going to be hard. I have known women who are lesbians, only once did one think I was gay. I have no problem with any of the gay, transgender and so on. I have also met women who were mostly attracted to women but were bi sexual and also attracted to one man, the one they married. They married men who were okay with their wife needing to keep relationships going with females, as friends, and lovers. That may happen for both of you someday. So keep that in mind and don't worry if it happens. As long as you both have known each other, I don't feel that you both are misinterpreting the feelings. It seems both of you feel the same way but because of the 2 year move for her, she assumes that not allowing yourself to fall for someone is going to change the situation, so she won't hurt. That is something I also understand...having met many guys, looking for 2nd husband, and a better man than my first husband. But I learned of them from on line dating and would move to talking on phone with the ones who sounded okay enough to check out further. I mostly pushed to meet the men in a week or two of learning of them and if it went great, I'd go on another date but at this early stage, did not allow myself to fall for them. It was easy enough as I had not invested much time with them. However you both have much time invested in each other, so it will be hard to keep those feelings submerged. The feelings you both have are not something in your case that you can hide. Maybe like a bad experience, the memories can be buried inside for a while but will eventually come to the surface and eat away at you. There is a danger that when you both are apart for 2 years, that not having the person who is 'home' to you, can weaken the feelings. Before meeting my husband, I did see a man who for unseen circumstances, had to break it off with me. When I saw him again in 3 years, I still found him a special person but the feelings were gone. So being apart for a while can do that. The only way you can do something that might help is using internet, phones, texting, face chat and such to keep in touch and try to send a line or two even if too busy to talk. The studies she may have times that she can't talk long. Maybe for birthdays, and other special days, send each other a small surprise package, and it can be inexpensive items but meaningful. Thats about the best you can do. Before she decides to stay in Canada after finishing school, it would be best if she flew back to visit you and see how you both feel. If the feelings have diminished or stayed strong, is what you look for. I know you can't imagine it now, I certainly didn't think it could happen as strongly as I felt. But now looking back, the other guy could not have felt like home to me. He was a great guy but when I met my husband, we both knew instantly that we wanted to marry and the feeling of home came to us after about 2 years. I hope it all turns out for you two.





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female 22 years old.
I recently changed primary care doctors and they had me do a bunch of blood tests. Today I went ahead and took it upon myself to look at the results. Everything was fine until I saw I tested positive for HSV 2 and I've never been in such a bad mental state. I've only had one partner in my life and we have a daughter together. He is a deadbeat and cheater. I will never get to experience a normal sex life again. The last time I had sex with him was almost 5 years ago. I have. been abstaining from sex for so many years and when I feel ready to find a partner I find this out. I feel beyond disgusting:( What am I suppose to do now?

After leaving my ex and getting a divorce, it was a year before I wanted to date again. I decided it was a good idea to get a full StD screening and I had to ask if herpes test was included. It is not routinely done because a good percent of the population have it. I tested positive, and yet I'd never had an outbreak in my life. My Mom had HSV1 and got sores around her mouth, as I recall from childhood. I was surprised by my diagnosis and a bit shocked as you are. I am guessing you have never had an outbreak. There are many strains with various strengths. There are some really bad disgusting internet pics of what it can look like. I had never had it. Then a year later I had my first outbreak. It was very small, one little spot that first showed up as water blister type thing. Its when the skin burst as it always will, that it hurt due to exposed nerv endings. Yes, it is a sharp pain and wearing pants then is no fun. I do a skirt on a painful day. After I was diagnosed, the first thing I did was add to my dating profile that I just tested positive for herpes, on a regular site, not herpes dating and I still got guys writing to me, and the one I dated said he was positive but never had an outbreak so it wasn't an issue for him. My new husband later also didn't care. He had tested positive and never had an outbreak. Some people are carriers of the virus for life and never have outbreaks.

The reason this is so easily transferred is that a person with herpes, who has never had an outbreak, likely doesn't know they have it. Obviously, most people with an outbreak will not be having sex because it is painful in a stinging pain kind of way every time something rubs against the spot, your clothes or skin or using tissue in bathroom.
So it is being transfered right before the sore or sores develop but the virus which lays inactive at the base of a nerve, will at some point decide to travel up the nerve and sit on the surface of the skin. People who aren't much into listening to their bodies may not catch the change but I do. So what I feel at this stage is a tenderness of the skin somewhere in crotch area, like how a bruise on your skin might feel. Uncomfortable but no pain yet. I usually have the husband check to see if he can see any sores. There never are any at this stage. But we hold off on any sex until after a sore has healed. In 13 years, he has never broken out, and he could two way, his own living in his body, or mine touching his skin. Also, a condom is not protection against this as it only covers the penis and the herpes is most likely on any other skin in that area or even transferred by oneself when wiping, to the anus area. This virus does tend to appear on skin at times of great stress. So simply finding out that you are a carrier and have it, may make you have an episode due to the stress you are having just from knowing.
When I read how common this was now and how there is little stigma with it, I decided to tell my two sisters only to find out, they already both have it. Cant check with final sibling as they died. So as far as I know, 3 out of 4 siblings, and Mom with the oral lind. It had to be passed down by kisses from a family member when she was young as she was a virgin when married, young, shy and an immigrant who moved to states to marry my Dad. So its been around a long time, herpes, that is. So unless you have suddenly lost your vagina, you will be able to have sex, normal sex even. Heres a site for dating with herpes infected. It shows all the groups out there. Or use a regular site but tell the person you are getting close to. I have so few outbreaks that I don't count them anymore. I'd have to guess maybe 3 a year, as I have a milder version of it.

There is a chance your ex doesn't even know he is a carrier. Although he likely got it from having an affair. It may feel good to just not tell him and let him find out when he has an outbreak, but for the sake of other people he is with, better to let him know, an email or text would do. Just know that no one really thinks any less of you for having it. I never got that attitude from anyone.
But you must tell potential new sex partners right up front before wasting time dating and fall for each other. This is one of those upfront things you tell a person you may want to date. If by chance you get a bad reaction from some guy who won't wait around to be educated on it, then he is a douche bag and good riddence. He's not worth the time to getting to know.

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I'm 23 years old and still live with my parents.

I don't have a job at the moment & am unable to financially support myself until I do. Following that, I have various mental illness including a decade long eating disorder (my weight is currently sitting at 85 lbs) making it extremely difficult to function physically and mentally. I've been diagnosed with ADHD since childhood and I am struggling to go out to places without someone with me, usually my mother. I can't drive alone, but I have a license.

Though not diagnosed, I believe I have some form of paranoia as well. For example, if I'm at the mall and my mother says she has to go to the bathroom. After a couple of minutes being alone, the intense feeling of fear that my mother has suddenly disappeared into oblivion will occur. It's illogical, but somehow my brain convinces me it.

Another example is I was at the Russian airport waiting to board, and my cousin and mother tell me to wait by the luggages as they search for coffee. I agree to stay put. After ten minutes of them being gone, the intense fear begins to burn a hole in me. My heart sinks, starts beating faster. I start having a full fledged panic attack. I didn't have service to call either of them either, so that added to the worry. I ask a woman sitting next to me to watch the luggage. I begin sprinting across one side of the airport to the other, as I'm experiencing the worst panic attack of my life. Eventually I head back after not being able to find them and a little bit after that, they of course, make it back.

I found that I have a deep phobia of losing my mother... so deep that I have her location turned on and check it frequently to see where she is (she doesn't know, but Its comforting to know where she's at).

Anyway, because of my inability to take care of myself as a 23 year old, my mother is used as a handicap, which of course I don't love. I want to be able to live alone, have a job, go to college. But it's incredibly difficult to break out from this. Not only that, but my mother is a full fledged narcissist. She'll gaslight, scream, and sometimes put her hands on me every single time we argue... which is often. She's abusive and will verbally insult me when she's mad at me... calling me "retarded", lazy, a nobody, good for nothing, piece of shit, how she wishes I was dead, how she wishes I had a life worse than hers, and the list goes on. Even when I try defending myself from her when she puts her hands on me, she'll get mad that I do.

Obviously, I dont want to continue living like this. In fact, I dont want to keep living with my abusive mother. But since she still does a lot for me, it's hard to grow as a person.

I don't know where to start... where do I start escaping this depressing, miserable life of mine? How do I successfully cut off my mother if im so used to her help? Someone please help me.

Contact your local dept for health and welfare. Its the place where people go for help with food stamps, or some money to help with bills. But they also have advocates for those adults with mental disorders, and can help. I used to do caregiving for a few people who struggle with mental health. Since there is likely no money to pay for something like an adult home where others who can not function by theirselves live, DSHS may be able to set you up in a state paid adult home. This way, there is at least one if not more adults to help those who live there.

Secondly, you may want this advocate to help you get hooked up with a therapist/counselor who can really help you. Trust me, I have some people in family who need counseling and resisted and their lives are messed up. So I know a bit here. From research, it sounds like CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will help you. this therapy work with how your mind and thought are taking you down these dark roads. Don't feel there is something wrong, like you're crazy or broken. That is not so. This twisted thinking is something every human is capable of doing and most will indulge in for short bits of time. However a good majority know when to stop dwelling on a bad thought. It can be learned if you don't know how. I am talking of all the looky-loos who pass an accident on the freeway, who slow to look. Whatever damage they see, and I have done it too, I immediately end up imagining what if it happened to me. Would I be conscious to call for help or would a passer by, call for help. Would I be dead, injured, maimed for life, etc. The more I think, the more this story in my head gets fed until I finally realize what I am doing and say, enough of this and my mind is instantly released from the thoughts and the worry or emotions that comes along with ones thoughts. Since cognitive means your thinking with your brain, it is here people must focus to get better. I know this all sounds overwhelming so it is best you find someone, a neighbor or a friend who can take you to your local office of health and welfare. Or you might just ask someone to help you find a number and address for them. Don't ask Mom. She will not do anything to lose the person she dumps on...you. She won't want to see you set up on your own. You will also meet other people with disabilities. I took one woman to such meetings as she couldn't drive due to possible seizures as well as a damaged mind due to HER Mom taking drugs while this person was in utero as a fetus. If you do not wish to be alone, I am sure that a home for disabled adults might be the best thing for you. If you want to work part time, they can also help with that. You will have another advocate who helps find jobs that disabled people mentally or physicallty and goes with you to act as the go-between to help you get the job and when you have problems on the job. Perhaps you will be okayed to live on your own, yes even with some disabilities, and be allowed a caregiver who can take you to any places you need to travel to, groceries,Dr. appts and such. Good luck!

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Hello smart people. I need to have some advice. I understand not to use real names so I will use middle names. Me = Miguel. Foster Dad = Shawn. Foster Mom = Sarah. Foster Brother = Patrick. I have been living with this family for 14 months now. I am 13 and in eighth grade and Patrick is 14 and is a freshman in high school. OK, so those are the people in the story.
I have been living with this foster family for 14 months. They have been the best foster family I have ever had. When I was assigned to them I was very angry and rude and acting out. They did not know what to do with me. One day I said some horrible things to Sarah which I will not repeat and she cried and Patrick got so mad he was shaking and wanted to kill me I think because I made his mom so upset. They called family services and I thought I was going to be taken away. They had me come in the living room with them and the case worker and I was scared it was over. Shawn said they forgave me because they knew I was just mad and asked if I would please like to stay and keep living with them. I was like amazed and cried like a punk. I apologized and Shawn made up some chore punishments and I did them and did not complain and they have never said anything about how I acted at the beginning again.
I have been in some horrible places with people who were just about the money and did not care about me and should never be allowed to have kids or foster them. One foster dad went to jail because of things I reported that were illegal and I was kicked out and homeless for a while. My biological parents were worse.
I am in a safe place now with good people who care about me for real. Shawn works very hard for the family for a construction company and teaches Patrick and I about how to do home improvement stuff. He also takes us camping and teaches us outdoor survival stuff which is cool. Sarah sometimes talks to me and Patrick like we are little kids, but she is always doing things for us. She even sets out our clothes each day like we are little kids. Patrick said to just wear the outfit she picks and change later if I don’t like it. She makes us all go to Mass even though I am not sure I am Catholic, but I am not going to complain. Patrick is like a real brother to me and even got himself beat up protecting me from some scary dudes. He told them to leave his “brother” alone. I was blown away when I heard him say that. I told him he was Captain America to the rescue even though he got thrashed. I never had anyone stick up for me before.
I really love the three of them even when they annoy me. Shawn and Sarah are so strict and old school Catholic they could be a meme. We have to say "sir" and "ma'am." We don’t even get to play mature video games. They monitor the internet and I am sure they will see I visited this website. If they read this, it may solve the problem I am asking about. Patrick is like a puppy just trying to make them happy and do everything right. I used to make fun of him but now I guess I am trying to be like him now too.
I asked Patrick once why he was an only kid and he just said it was medical. I guess Sarah lost a lot of babies in pregnancy before and after Patrick. Apparently he had therapy at some point for something and Patrick said his therapist said the reason he is so compulsive about being the “perfect son” is because he is trying to make up for their loss. He joked that now the pressure is on me too. Even though he was joking part of me feels like that because I do want to make them happy.
The reason I am writing for advice is something Shawn and Sarah are doing that is kind of cringy even though they have good intentions. I am Hispanic, but I don’t actually speak Spanish and I am not really into Latino culture. I guess it is interesting, but I was never raised in an Hispanic home. I really just want to fit in with everyone. They are like trying so hard to “honor” my Latino heritage. They use Spanish words and phrases they have learned that I don’t even know what they are talking about and have to look up with google translator. They plan these little celebrations which are Mexican themed with decorations and Mexican food. I don’t know how to tell them my biological parents families were both from Colombia and not Mexico. I just don’t want to embarrass them. Thankfully, I like tacos so I just eat it. They even had a pinata for my 13th birthday – which is also weird also because I am 13 and not a little kid. Somehow they got a Leprechaun pinata for Patrick’s 14th and he acted like it was cool even though I know he thought it was stupid. They have a sombrero hanging from a peg in my room and I have one of those blankets on my bed.
I asked Patrick about it and he showed me where all these Mexican decorations are stored in the garage and these books they read to be ready to foster a Latino youth. He asked me to just go along with it and not embarrass them, so I don’t say anything. I know there hearts are in the right place but sometimes it is so hard for Patrick and I not to laugh when they get all relatable and thinking they are cool parents because they know Latino stuff. On the other hand, I am afraid it might hurt their feelings more and make them feel foolish if they find out some day they were going too far and I did not say anything.
What do you think I should do? Say something? Say nothing? Have Patrick say something even though he does not want to? Tell them I like Irish stuff just like them? Tell them no more pinatas of any kind? Admit I don’t know Spanish? Go and learn Spanish? I just don’t want to hurt their feelings because they are actually really wonderful people and deep down more than anything I want them to be my forever family.

If you are concerned about their reaction, you may want to give them time to digest what you share in a note/letter to them. This way, they can go through whatever embarassment they may have.

What helps when sharing your preferences, just pay them compliments first. What you told me here, will just melt their hearts. What if they found out from somewhere that you are not interested in Latino culture, just have Latino blood in your veins. If its been going on for years where they do this, they will wonder why you didn't say anything sooner. I know I would wonder and then they may try to come up with reasons in their minds as to why you said nothing and if doing pinata' is their idea of a great birthday for teen boys, then you don't want to leave them wondering and coming up with even crazier things.
So tell them first, in letter or in person how special they are, that you appreciate how hard they try, and let them know how much you love what they do, or if ready, that you love them and Patrick. Then you say, "Because I really care about you, I feel I have to say something. You are trying so hard to honor my heritage but in fact, I was never raised Latino, so it is all strange to me, even don't speak Spanish. Maybe when I am an adult, I might get interested enough to study the culture but right now, the only thing that means anything to me, is how hard you are trying to make me happy, to feel special and I wanted you to know so that you can drop the trying to share this culture and Latino Holidays with me. Since we are talking about this, I have to say, I and Patrick outgrew pinatas a long time ago. If you want ideas of what I might like for a birthday celebration, just ask me. Yeah, it won't be a surprise but I'd be okay with that." You can put that all in your own words and if writing, say you have no problem telling them in person but for their sake, regarding feelings, you wanted to give them time to digest this.
If I am truthful, I don't know what teens may like these days, even though I was once a teen. Society and technology has changed since my school days and what I may have liked is too old fashioned and not interesting for teens. So I struggle with what to do for teens and even young adults since I am into my sixties now and the world is so different. I am so happy though to hear how blessed you are. Show this family your love whenever you can. Listen close watch close and you will know what special things you can do to show them how much you care. It may be small against what they are doing for you. And don't worry about the Catholic thing. Do it for them for now. Once you are 18, you can explore to see if any other faith feels more right or whether non at all is better. People have their own beliefs in a God and do pray but do not attend any church. Remember that the most important thing when it comes to faith is a personal relationship with God, the church is only the building housing other believers when they come together for services.

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Hello, I'm a 13 year who constantly indulges in food as long as I'm craving them. multiple times I've tried to instantly quit eating bwetween meals and tried to swap them for things like fruits but I always go back to square one. I've brought this issue up with my parents that they should buy less junk food because it's always a source of temptation for me. but all i was told by my mum was to "control" myself. but thats not really helping me anymore. I end up suffering in silence on days when it gets really bad. I ALSO struggle with being short in height and also my weight which does not help at all.

Is there any solutions?
is there anyone in the same boat as me?

I don't have that issue but I have heard of addictions. There are as many as you can dream of, including being addicted to eating non food items like chalk,, laundry detergent and so on. Then there are the more likely heard of addiction to food or booze or gambling, and there is such a thing as having a sex addiction. For all these addictions, I have not heard of people conquering them on their own or if they have some success, it is not always gone, back the person falls back into it. The one thing I can say is that it will take therapy with a proffessional who knows how to help. Since you are under 18, you are a minor. If you have counselors at school, you can try talking to them to help you find a counselor who works in addictions. A teen has it harder because the brain isn't done growing and wont be til mid twenties. In the meanwhile, the reward system is what many teens respond to so the reward though short has you frustrated with yourself. I'll bet you're feeling like a yo-yo yanked here and there by this. I do know that if you can find a free clinic, or a women/childrens clinic, they may be able to help. But first, your school counselor will need to speak with your parents. Many loving caring parents just don't believe that anything can be different or wrong with their child. My own parents, I was the first child, didn't know what to do with me when I refused to eat meat. I hated the taste and texture and even refused to eat it when threatened with not being able to go trick or treating, something all kids love. It wasn't until my Dad shared the story with co workers that he heard there was something called a vegetarian and that I probably was one and could get my protein other ways. Have been all my life. My parents stopped harrassing me to eat meat and life went on. Just shared that to let you know your parents are probably not aware that what is a problem for you is way beyond using self control. You need to have medical help. Choosing to stop eating snacks is something people can do but it takes lots of self control for even adults. Theres a diet my husband is on to lose weight, called Keto, it cuts out all sugar and anything that can change into sugar in the body like potato, rice, noodles, wheat and so on. You basically eat just meats, fats and veggies except for carrots and corn which have sugar. He struggles and uses every bit of control he has, so instead of having something with sugar or can turn to sugar, he'll ask to take one bite of what I have and limits himself to that. I am not saying Keto is the answer. You need a professional to check you out first to see if its an addiction. If not, they can still give you helpful information to follow to get over the reason you fail. Removing junk food from the house may help only in curbing your desires at home. However, it won't cure you of what is causing this so any time you are not at home, you will find temptation to be overwhelming again. I still believe seeing a therapist will help. If the parents don't want to get you an appointmet, perhaps you talking to a relative nearby, an aunt or grandma, an adult who can talk to your parents might help. Being short (vertically challenged) as a friend has called it, is not a death sentence although yes, if you gain weight, it does show quicker and can make you look even shorter. Maybe your parents are right but without you being tested first by a professional, it is only their belief at this point. If you feel it will help, you can show them my answer. I hope they see that by you writing for advice on this, that you are being serious and you are crying out for some help with this. I'd love to hear back from you in the future to see how its all going. If you do, give your original story in short so i know who you are as far as matching the question with you since all names are private and I don't know who you are either.

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Male/25 from Nigeria , I got diagnosed with hsv-2 (genital herpes) six months ago and that was my first time of having sex, after the diagnosis I was depressed, I hated myself, and the person that infected me, (I told the said girl I had sex with, and she denied) but I'm sure it was her that infected me, because I had not have sex with anyone else besides her. but over the last two months I've let go of some of the hurt and pains.... But about a week ago I made a very big mistake! which I regret and I'm literally having sleepless night. I slept with a girl without telling her about my condition. it wasn't planned at all and I was having an outbreak(the time that the disease is easily transferred to someone) I used condom but the condom broke,now am scared that I've just exposed or possibly infected this girl. the guilt is eating me alive! seeing her makes the guilt worse. so I ended things with with her. I feel like the most terrible person in the world. I want to tell her, but I don't know how to, and am scared of how she'll react, and she's also about to start her final exams, I don't want something that will distract her, I've got so many things on my mind but the taught of me being the reason someone goes through the pain I went through and messing up her life is too much. I know am a horrible person!... But I want to try and do the right thing I just don't know what, please guys I need advice, what should I do?

From a person who also has herpes, I have some things to share. I was divorced. Left the area to be away from ex. In a year I was back for daughters. At the time I knew I wanted to find myself a new partner so I had a screening for all sorts of STDs including herpes. It was good I asked because they said they usually don't screen for it as its so common these days for almost everyone to have it that its not worth it unless someone asks. I was told I have it. I called the last partner I had and told him. I also changed dating profile to say I had herpes. A guy wrote me who said he was told he had it too but never had an outbreak. Neither had I. Over the years, I found it came out only when stressed. But there are times I didn't get it with stress. I have a strain of it that is mild. One little spot that is gone in 4 days. What I learned after being open about it, people can carry it and not know they have it, due to no outbreak but they can still pass it on. Yes, a breakout will transfer it but more people transfer it when they don't have an outbreak. Even a little spot hurts and stings, once my skin is open. I don't want sex then, too painful. So I can't imagine people infected having sex while having an outbreak as you say you did. You must read up on internet about it because most transmissions are before the outbreak is felt and visible. The herpes virus sleeps for a while at the base of a nerve and when it wants to, travels up the nerve to the surface of the skin. You still don't have an outbreak but the invisible virus is on your skin. Its because of how easy it is to be not visible but still contagious with touch of skin that herpes gets transferred so easily and why so many people have it. I discovered both my sisters have it too. I realized now that my Mothers cold sores around her mouth that she had regular outbreaks of, was the herpes 1. By the way, wearing a condom does not fix the problem. It only covers the penis and in time depending on where it is, you may transfer it to another part of you down there.It doesn't spread like a rash. I had my usual first spot on lips and at some point transfered the germ when I wiped, to my butt. That should tell you how transmissible it is, even on toilet tissue, if it is on the skin. I pay close attention to my body and have since learned what it feels like when its right before an outbreak. The skin in the area affects, though healthy, will feel like I am wearing too tight pants in the crotch area. The skin can feel like a mostly like an almost healed bruise, a bit tender to the touch. If I happen to get fingers accidently touching myself, I will wash hands at that time and use sanitizer on hands to prevent accidently moving the virus to where ever I touch next on my body. There are medicines you can get prescribed if you see a Dr. I hear they work great to help healing, and transfering the virus on your skin. I have never needed it. The guy I mentioned was not afraid to date me and we had sex, he never got it. I am now remarried to a man who also was told he is a carrier but has never ever had an outbreak. We are together now almost 13 years and he has never caught it from me. We don't use condoms. We are married and I just tell him when my skin down there has a spot that feels tender and we won't have sex a couple days to see if it turns into a sore. So The best you can do is see if Dr. can prescribe a medicine for you, pay attention to your body, trying to see if you can feel anything different in the area affected, so it gives you a warning to not have sex, wait a few days to see if an outbreak occurs. Then do not have sex at all til it is healed again. Any person you have had sex with, you must tell them you have it. It doesn't mean you won't find any partners. There are even dating sites for those who have it. Although I was on a regular dating site where I simply added that i just found out I was a carrier of the herpes virus. People who have been told they have it, outbreak or not, are most likely to be happy to meet you. But some may not have it. The decision needs to be left up to the female. At your age, I don't know how many females will act. If they don't have symptoms, they still could have it. So likely the girl you got it from has spread it to as many lovers as she has had. If she won't get checked, there is nothing you can do for her. Just read up on all the facts and then for new possible mates, be upfront and tell them and let them know you are willing to share what you know and why it is the most easily transfered STD.

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My mother in law gave my 15 yr old son a DNA test kit for Christmas, and she asked him if he sent it in yet. She also wants to manage the account once its sent in. He wants to give the kit back to her, but my husband is upset that he doesn't want to do it, that it cost $70 and he thinks 'whats the big deal'? I personally think that if he doesn't want to do it, its his perogative AND its his DNA to which he shouldn't be bullied into giving if he doesn't want to. This is causing stress because of our disagreement but I do not want my son to be bullied into doing something he doesn't want to do just to please my husbands mother. And she will be upset and that is how she usually gets her way.

Our teen years are times of learning how to spread our wings and decide what we want to do, what we really like and don't like and to be able to make that clear to others and respected as if we were adults. The question to your husband and his mom is whether they feel they are able to allow his to choose what he wants and doesn't want.
If I recieved a DNA kit as a Christmas gift, I would not consider that a real gift, no matter what my age and I am now 63. Its the same as getting a piece of paper that says I have a star named after me. Big whoopie! No, not really. Grandma may be older and thinking its a good thing to do a DNA test and for the family be able to even get together a family tree as far back as possible, many generations as a gift to the family to have when she is gone. This is a thing to do, not a gift. I know how hard it is to figure out what to give teen grandkids and even young adult nieces nephews and I probably can't afford what they really want. The best gift though it sounds hoaky, is giving cash. If everyone gave a teen cash, the collection may come close to what they really want for themselves but no one person could afford alone. Now I understand why my Dad started giving us cash for Christmas when we got older. LOL. I wonder if your husband has really thought this out and has any real opinions of his own or is simply siding with his own Mother because he doesn't want to see her upset. Even if it was your Mother who gave a DNA test to a teen, it still wouldn't be alright. You know your mom would be upset perhaps, or a little disappointed but gee whiz, people seem to be forgetting manners and such. There's nothing wrong with her idea of paying for the family to recieve and send in DNA kits. After all, thats all the reward or gift she wants, and as long as it is a family project and not tied to a Birthday, Graduation or Christmas gift, there is no reason why all the members of your family including your teen, can't send theirs in. Its something they can do to make Mom/Grandma happy. And she doesn't ask much.
Here is how it should have gone and your son may want to use this in a talk with grandma, if living close, then in person, with you there, not husband, so I imagine you may have to keep it secret from him until after it happens so he can't stop it. Now if grandma really wanted his DNA sent in, and it is his choice, she could have told him it would make her happy and be all the Christmas gift she needs if all her family participated in DNA testing which she is paying for, so it's only if you want to help. And by the way, would you like a surprise gift for Christmas or would cash be better. If your teen is like mine were as teens, hanging at the mall is great, having money to spend at the mall is even better. So I would guess the best thing is to have a private talk first with your son. Get details. Was he dissapointed when he saw the DNA kit as a present to him? Because he might feel cheated out of a gift, things much more important to us all when we are younger. By time I was a Mom of grade school kids, I no longer cared about getting gifts, I was more into creating the cake and decor and games for themed Birthday party, like super hero party, or princess party, sesame street themed, and once a child wanted a frog themed party. Getting to go out for dinner for my Birthday is celebration enough. It may be grandma's getting too old to even realize the silly error she made. If he feels cheated out of a Christmas gift, he needs her to understand how it made him feel. Not the part abbout giving a sample of his DNA, but the fact it was the only thing he recieved from Grandma. I am correct here? She only gave him that, not two gifts, like a real gift and the DNA kit. If he did recieve a real gift, then you need to discover why he is against doing the DNA and he needs to be able to explain that to grandma. A good excuse is that agewise, he isn't interested yet in ancestry and such but may be ready in 20 years. I think its when you're a parent you start to care about family history. My parents grew up in war time Germany. When I was young, they told me so many stories, I would pretend to listen, but wasn't really interested and later when I was, they didn't want to tell the stories.
So it could be an age thing for your son. However, if this is a gift for grandma, not from grandma, he may need to be reminded that since she is older, anything could happen as her body wears out, and once gone, she can't enjoy seeing the results of the test. It is Her gift to herself. So son has to decide whether to forgive her for her judgement error, and consider he did not recieve a gift, only something she wanted him to help give to her. It may be hard, but heres a lesson to learn how to be an adult about it. He could say to grandma, I don't consider this a gift to me from you, but a thing from you meant to be gift from me. Think about it Grandma, this interests you. I am much younger and stuff like this is not important or interesting to you. You weren't interested in DNA and your ancestral heritage when you were a teen, cus if you were back then, you'd already have it all except for DNA of my Mom and Dad and me. You got interested in and found this important as you got older. Forcing it as a gift on me which I get some info back, when I didnt care about it in the first place, it means the the info is the gift. It also means the info if for you Grandma. If you had just asked our family to all participate and told us you're paying for it and our giving our DNA was gift enough for you, then when Christmas came, you could give me a gift that is truly for me. This is why I have refused to do anything about it. This talk is more important. You need to know how I felt getting the kit as my "Christmas gift" Basically something like that needs to be said, but in a friendly, loving tone so she knows you all still love her. I would hope she is open to improving and getting things better even though she's older. If my kids are correcting me about something, maybe about technology that is over my head often, or something like that, I am open to admitting I was wrong or doing something wrong, laugh about it and let them show me how to do something. A person should be able to recieve info, comments and be able to learn from it. When we graduate school, we enter the life in the world, and our learning doesn't stop when we graduate, it continues our entire life, as long as we don't reach a place where we think its not important to correct our actions, and learn by our mistakes. If I were honest, I would say, gifts don't need to be given to show you love someone. After all, there is a book that teaches about "the Five Love languages" and thats the title. One of those five is giving of gifts. But there are four more. Giving someone your full attention, being present for them, is one of the gifts. SO I hope you understand my view. When it comes to life or death,we want all our loved ones to live rather than die. Do we give them the best gift we can, showing them love in a way that they will understand and want to receive, so it may not be a gift, It might being the giving of compliments, supportive talks which can take some imagination to turn into the perfect gift.
So it is ultimately your sons choice to participate or not. Like any gift that is disliked, you pretend to like it, then give it away, throw it away, sell it in a yard sale, donate to a second hand store. Adults do that all the time. Why cant your son (not telling you but what you can tell husband)have the same choice to decide whether to keep the gift or throw it away. People do that all the time. I just happen to agree here, that though her idea was good, it was timed wrong and should have been separate from Christmas.
I think she definitely didn't think this out. If she ordered the kits and paid for right before Christmas, she would not be able to get any other present or a lame one like a box of candy canes, or a mug. It truly would have been better if she did this for herself, after asking each of your family if they would give DNA in a kit. Then she orders it in the Spring, or ever Summer or Fall, as long as she can give a regular gift for Christmas. I think if you and son had a good talk with her, it could help if she is open to correction. If I had done what she did, and was called out on it by my child or grandchild, if they have a point, i see it, but now have to admit I was wrong (Whaat, at my age? older people are never wrong- ha ha) I would admit that I didn't realize at the time, what I was doing but see so now and want to make things right. Maybe I'd make a agreement to give them a bigger Birthday present to make up for Christmas. That way if you
are not all born the same month, I would be spending the big amounts spread out, not all at once. But the world isn't perfect, people can be stubborn and stuck to only their viewpoint, not accepting of others. You can only try your best, and pray, pray for her to be open to loving Criticism, and the truth. Your son saying nothing and don't as Dad wants, robs your son of the opportunity to having a loving or polite, caring conversation with another person, with a topic that is controversial. I am positive that at least once in his adult life he will need to be honest with someone especially if it affects him or others in a not so good way. Having ones teen able to learn something they will use the experience of doing again that day, will be helpful. Even if grandma gets angry and doesn't like whats said, thats her opinion, and many times in life he will encounter people who are dead wrong and they need to be corrected with compassion. This should be only one of many such opportunities for your son. But if not, and this is the only one, better that the chance was taken. In whatever words you both use, she needs to hear compassion, you understanding how important this is to her, if she had asked you to do this any time except for (mention Christmas and any other occasions you want as exceptions. Hopefully as will go well. If not, just hang in there, I was through something like this with my Mom, Dad and one sister all making up stories about me which the others believed and they stopped talking to me for 6 or more months. Later when willing to talk again,they never mentioned the cold shoulder, never apologized and I didn't expect that. If it happens to you, and generally, your husband is good to you, then wait out the storm with your son until your husband and MIL give up on the cold shoulder and talk again. Be brave!

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I need interpersonal relations advice about how to be a good sport and fit in with the Navy midshipmen in my ROTC program. They are hazing me in what I consider a mostly harmless and somewhat humorous way, but I secretly am sort of getting a little bummed out about it and just wish there was a way I could be more accepted in the group.
For background, I am a 19M and I am Marine cadet in ROTC. I will owe the Corps a term of service after I graduate college in exchange for scholarships and financial aid during my undergraduate course of study. I will also be commissioned as a Marine officer once I complete officer candidate training.
I was assigned to a Navy ROTC unit because there is a history of the Marines being a part of the Navy even though we are now an independent service branch. So, wannabe “jarheads” like me train with the wannabe “squids.” We do military science classes together, leadership training, service projects, fitness competitions, self-defense and combat instruction, and some military drills – very cool stuff for a guy like me. I am not the only Marine cadet but I am the only first year Marine cadet in the program.
I should add that the ROTC program is on the campus of a neighboring school that has a partnership with our school. So that makes me a “crosstown” student. So, I don’t really know or go to school with any of the people in the program.
Most importantly, I love the ROTC program. I wish there was even more stuff I could participate it. The instructors are great. All our organized events are hard core and exciting and I feel like I am challenged but treated well.
There is, however, a group of midshipmen who started a “fitness club.” It is an unofficial group of about 20 midshipmen and me. I am the only Marine cadet who signed up. The plan is to meet every weekday morning at 6:00AM and do whatever combination of calisthenics and running the ranking midshipman dreams up that day. The point is to remain fit, improve our fitness, and promote teamwork.
From the beginning, they have hazed and teased me about being a Marine cadet and called me all the fun names Navy personnel call Marines which is just a normal rivalry.
When I show up wearing a Marine Corps t-shirt, tank, or sweatshirt (which I always do) I am ordered to remove it so they don’t “have to look at it.” I am cocky and confident so I don’t mind going shirtless. It does get cold as crap running outdoors in winter weather. That one layer of cover can make a difference. They always offer me Navy gear to wear, but I refuse. It is a battle of wills.
I am very competitive and I tend to be in the lead group when running and I end up with the best time about a third of the time. I am usually near the top on repetitions on things like pullups, crunches, and pushups. When I am not, my defeat is openly celebrated. I admit I have made jokes about how soft the Navy has it and stuff like that. So, I have sort of brought some of this on myself.
As for hazing, every day we convene the ranking cadet will order me to do extra laps or random things the others don’t do with a goal of tiring me out to the point of failure. About half the group gives me some encouragement until the others pressure them not to and about half the group taunts and talks trash about how I am looking tired and probably need a nap and stuff like that.
Literally the last 30 minutes or more of every session is this game of messing with me while everyone watches and talks trash. I guess it is entertaining for them and it is not like the exercise will do anything but make me stronger. It is not anything dangerous or evil like the hazing that hurts people.
My strategy right now is to be a good sport. I never complain. I just do it and try my guts out until I am exhausted or they get bored. I sort of feel heroic like I am sticking up for the Marines even though I am not a real Marine yet and it doesn’t make a difference. I am not going to stop wearing Marine gear even though I know I will have to take it off every time.
On another note, I never seem to get a text or call when our session is cancelled (which is not often). I just show up and I am alone. When I mention it there are just laughs and phony joke apologies. It does take me 40 minutes and four bucks commute round trip. It is just annoying getting up early, getting ready, and then being stood up.
I don’t want to be a pussy and say anything to anyone. I think that would be weak. But deep down I do wish I was more accepted and part of the group. I am not sure if there is a strategy for dealing with the situation or if I should just suck it up. Should I just “enjoy” the attention and take it as some sadistic compliment. Or should I just stop showing up? It is voluntary. Not an official part of the ROTC program. I think I am like craving their approval or respect for some reason.
I would sincerely appreciate positive advice on how to adapt and overcome.

I am neither a male nor have I ever been in the armed services. I am not near your age but as a child and teen I thought I was being bullied by most although I was wrong, they were good naturedly teasing me. As an adult, now grandma age, I understand they were teasing to see how I would react and by my reaction then decide if they wanted to have me as a friend or at least a friendly classmate. During my life I have seen how humor can pave the way in areas, where you would think it couldn't help. Who knows, its men and its the Marines so I could be wrong but anything at this point is worth a try, right?

As to the Marine corp tees or sweatshirts they order you to take off, I wonder if thats as a group or just one or two who are in the position of being your next in rank directing officer. If you make him feel like a fool in front of the others, it may not go well for you and he may seek retaliation. So in humor, I would say if a ranking officer is the one saying things, I would not look at him or direct the humor at him but the others as a whole. So you are ordered to take the clothes off. My humor would be, "Oh my, I've been wondering all this time why you're always asking me to do that. NOW, I get it. Some of you are gay or (other choice secretly gay) and just can't wait to get a glimpse of my chest. Sorry to have to tell you, I am straight, but thanks for the compliment." I know something like that will get a laugh out of someone, maybe all unless Marines lose their humor when they enlist. Whatever they do, find some quip to make, before doing whatever they told you to do. To obey silently, is not as satisfying to them as getting a funny remark before you do the extra laps by yourself. "Is anyone going to run with me? No? "(you looking at all before saying the rest and then take a sniff of your armpits. "I must smell something awful if none of you want to go with me." Always end with a smile. But come up with your own quips. I might take a few steps, stop and turn around and ask the group, "What if I injure myself, sprain my ankle? Which of you dudes are going to scoop me up in his arms and carry me to medical?" I am only making suggestions. You will have a better handle on which you can get away with and which might backfire. But I am positive that humor may help this testing time go better or last a shorter time. Good Luck

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Hello, I am a 28yo, Indian married woman living abroad with my husband. I had a past before my marriage. I had a full fledged affair with a married office colleague in my previous office in India. Nobody apart from my best friend knows about this. At that time, my current husband was interested in me and tried to convince me into a relationship (he was in the UK and I was in India at that time, so mostly it was a long distance relationship and he was so busy with his studies that he wasn't able to give me time regularly, we hardly spoke or Skype each other,many times it happened so that we didn't speak weeks and even months at a stretch). I was growing impatient and doubting if this relationship was going to work or not. He seemed pretty irresponsible to me.So I indulged in talking with a married colleague of mine. Now when I look back, I can understand that I was only craving attention. But one thing leaded to another, and we ended up having an affair. But as soon as my parents and my current husband's parents talked and finalized our wedding, I stopped seeing that man. But he kept in touch and used to wish me on occasions. At that time when I was losing interest in a one sided long distance relationship with my current husband, I told him everything about my illegitimate relationship with that married man. But my husband couldn't digest the fact and he coaxed me into denying all of it.I got scared about his health and denied everything I told him. Now I am happily married with my husband but sometimes that married person tries to send me messages. I have blocked him from every possible social media. But he keeps stalking me on researchgate or academiaedu (as both of us were researchers and from same field). My husband knows about this stalking. I am so afraid that he might take serious action against that married man and everything about my past that I have once told him and then denied, will spill over in front of everybody. I am not so proud about my past and want to forget it for once and all. Kindly suggest me what should be done in this situation.

Hmm, I think I will choose the married man to talk about first. Listen closely as there is a lesson to learn here. there are many marriages where the couple is either best friends but have a terrible sex life with no sexual chemistry, or the other way around, terrific sex but enemies and hateful outside the bedroom. So if they end up just best friends, they love each other as friends and wouldn't want to hurt the other in some cases, so they secretly go out and find themselves a sex partner. Since the man was married, you can safely assume that you were his outlet for the sex his wasn't getting at home. His need for a great sex partner did not go away when you got married. You may be the only one he had for sex so that may explain why he is trying to hard to keep in touch and convince you to get together for sex. He knows you are married and not thinking really of your marriage, only of his needs, or he would be leaving you alone by now. Just saying this so you know you may have to resort to some great measures to get him to stop. Due to customs in India, and the little I know of arranged marriages, it is possible this wife was chosen for him and he just doesn't love her. I don't see anything written where your husband was chosen for you. Only that both sets of parents finalizing the wedding. To me, being part of making the wedding event plans is like planning and paying for a very expensive event, not deciding if he is a match for you and you two should marry. Sorry if I misunderstand here. You did share he was very busy. Well, so was my 2nd husband. My first was abusive and I left and we divorced. So my 2nd worked long hours delivering and driving a truck. Left for work at 5 or 6 AM and not home til 8 at night. He still had to shower and eat and then it was bedtime, but because he was so into me and interested, he found time so that if the conversation was real good, we would at least talk every night sometimes til midnight. We finally met on weekends and it wasn't until I moved in, that I had little bits of more time with him. What I am saying is that if a man is interested, truly interested because the woman sounds like the kind of person he wants to spend time with, he will make a way, find the time to at least call, write if not able to be in person. So if it was me, and my husband acted like yours, not contacting often or letting months go by, I would have given up on him and found some one else. Sorry to say that but then, I was older and wiser by time that happened, almost 50 years of age. Now we've been married 13 years because we so quickly found out how perfect each other was for us that he asked me to marry him, early on, end of first month spent together and immediately we decided to have me move in while engaged to have more time to spend together. Since what is not a big deal here and common place may be the exact opposite where you live, I have no idea what you could do. I am tempted to say you do not have a good choice with either man. The one you married couldn't handle the truth and asked you to deny it, that you made it all up? That sounds childish to me. It doesn't change the truth of your past. So I am guessing he wants the truth hidden because it would shame him in front of his peers if they knew the truth. I don't like untruths, so it is hard for me to figure out what is best for you. Basically, you either decide to pick up the pieces and live with a not so perfect husband, or make your own decision for your future no matter how much it goes against tradition, how angry it would make the parents, and do what is best for you. Unfortunately, like myself, I thought sticking with my guy, whom I got to choose myself, was the right thing. But as I got older, I began to see more clearly and realized this was all about me, not dying early from stress and the hateful abusive speech that in later years was starting to become pushes and punches and most likely would have continued to full beating to death at some point. I had to leave to have a happy life. If you can find a lawyer who isn't strictly a believer in traditional customs with no other possible outcome, then it would be good to find out what to do about the harassing of the married man and if your feelings change, and you are no longer happily married, then what to do about the kind of man you married.

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My friend wants to come with us on my family trip. But I really want to spend my time with my family because we rarely hang out just us. My friend wants to go out on a trip but how do I tell them that without hurting their feelings?

My daughters brought a friend often on family camping trips. As already explained, you can't have control over how she reacts. That is on her. Not you. It could be her family has never gone on any outing together and she wants to see what it is like. That is understandable. However, with how you feel about it, I hardly would think that you would invite her. She likely invited herself, It isn't good manners to do so. Imagine your wedding and someone you don't know well or don't want at your wedding is inviting themselves to it."I want to go, just send me the wedding invite so I know where, date and time. Oh and let me know what you want for a gift." How a bout talking to your Mom, letting her know how you feel about the trip and you wanting time alone with your family. If you are too afraid to tell her the truth, ask Mom if its okay if you tell the friend your parents said this trip was only family time, so maybe another time. (even if that time never happens) You have to get a parent to be okay with you saying this. It takes the pressure off. If she gets angry, it won't be at you, just your parents, and it's more likely the friendship will continue without issues over not going on the trip with you. Do not say the parents said no without asking their permission to basically use their names for your excuse. I am a Mom and if a child told me they would rather have family time than allow a friend to invite themselves on the trip, I would feel so happy to hear that. So if I was asked to use my name as the no sayer, I wouldn't mind.

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This is kinda annoying but I was kinda interested in a guy who is younger than me and I am in my 30's and he is in his 20's. I don't think we are that far apart in age. He seems like a fun guy but from judging from what I can see he cares too much about what people think of him and I can see he has some growing up to do. I don't know this guy that well but he is in the dance community so I know him from seeing him and started becoming a dance teacher. Over the years I have seen him dance by me on purpose with friends or he's near me with his friends. I also think he knows that I like him and I have complimented him on his dancing. He said he was flattered when I told him I liked his dancing. In the past I have tried messaging him and he ignored me. But one thing that puzzles me is that he always seems to be around me and gets kinda nervous when he dances with me. His classes are fun, he seems like a fun guy and I can tell he's a pretty intelligent guy, so somehow I'm kinda an admirer lol. Needless to say I wish the guy was more interested in becoming friends or whatever. Another person I know said he is autistic. Most people I know who are autistic are smart people! Also I notice in class he does some backwards things but it could be just nerves or doesn't realize he does it. I'm just confused by him and why is he always by me. I think I have overheard him say in the past to one of my friends saying I was attractive but he said hot lol.
I know I sound judgmental but I just don't get him haha. What would you do? Leave him alone? Try to make a friend? I think he might be snobby with some of his friends and two-faced...?
Is he interested? Is he being a jerk? Why is he around me? He does smile a lot at me. Is he just as confused as I am? haha

If you are looking only for the next fun thing in your life to entertain you, then no matter his age, unless younger than 18, go for it. Befriend him and have your fun. I mention fun because you used the word over and over. There is way more to a good stable and rewarding long lasting relationship than just having fun. I don't know you. You could be disillusioned with guys your age or older who let you down, or a party girl, not looking for anything serious, or anyone to settle down with. Then you could be seriously hoping to meet the right guy someday but will date and have fun while waiting for the right guy to come along. Or you may be serious, wanting him for your life partner. If its any of the last two mentioned, and you are really serious, I must bring up the scientific fact that brains don't develop as fast as our bodies do. Scientists say that roughly by age 25 a persons pre frontal lobe will finally be done growing. How does that translate to befriending someone or dating them? Decisions, assumptions, speech, and so much more is affected by ones age. At 25, women may be mature but many men if truly honest will know they didn't really get it and mature mentally until into their 30s. Ages ago I watched a youtube video done by two males speaking of all the great woman they wished they had never dumped or walked away from. They admitted to saying and doing stupid stuff that ruined many relationships until they grew up. So while he may look hot, seem interesting even as just a friend, he may not be able to even be a good friend yet, cause he's still thinking like a teenager rather than the adult he is. If concerned about autism, it really depends how functional he is. My 2nd husband was born a high functioning autistic, which means he's learned to act in society like everyone eles and if something is triggering him, to remove himself from it or if its me, ask me to stop for the time being. I rarely see his autism pop up. Its only like if I am mindlessly playing with his hair, stroking it, and it felt good only to one point and then it switched and felt bad to him, it hurt is how he described it and asked me to stop. So now, I will at times check in and ask if it still feels okay or should I stop. Throw a thank you party for all your dance clients to attend at the location where you teach dance. My ex's gym trainers held one such party a year. They had door prizes, lots of food and booze and paid for a bus to take the whole bunch later to a sports game. Depending on the space, check with owners if alcohol for one party is okay. This way he can be present at a time there is no dancing and you are not teaching. This maybe a way for you and him to talk in a no pressure way. If you know how to lead conversation to make a question seem natural and not weird and out of the blue, you may be able to find out some of the things you want to know. Heres what I mean by leading a conversation. Say you want to know approximately where some one lives. You start a conversation and make a statement about yourself,best to have it be a truth so you don't have to remember what you said to whom, later. You: Hey, how about we mention some things we like. You go first. Them: Okay, I like dance, of course, or I wouldn't be here. I like bike riding to keep fit in another fun way. You: Cool. I happen to like old houses for their character. I went once on a Victorian home tour. Have you ever seen any? them: No, not in real life but on TV. They do look nice. You: I wish I lived in one right now. But I happen to live in an apartment in the Greenbranch neighborhood. Where abouts do you live? Them: I live in . . .

Do you see what I am saying? You have to be quick on your feet as far as coming up with the next question but it should start first with you offering something about your self or you sharing a short tale before asking another question. Try it and see if you don't find out lots more about him like if he's single, hoping to date and if he doesn't mind older women. This way it wont sound like an interrogation or awkward when you ask what you want to know.

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I am a 22 years old female. my best friend is 29 and a male. we met during the beginning of the pandemic in 2020. we met online and were inseparable. we haven't met because we live in different countries but we have each other on social media and use use call all the time.. we were both going through so much at the time, we grew dependent on each other through the tough times. being the big age gap he helped me understand so much in my life. I was able to get help by going to therapy for my anxiety and depression. we have been best friends for almost 2 years. it's 100% platonic. he has had a girlfriend for about 10 months and she knows about me. there are no problems. the last time we spoke was January 22 we were suppose to play a video game but I fell asleep. when I woke up I messaged him and have not gotten a single reply back since then. I've texted him, messaged on social media and nothing. he completely ghosted me out of no where. a mutual friend we have told me they are still in communication. why did he leave me hanging? it's beyond painful im struggling so much to deal with this loss of friendship. I've been so sad the past week, I so desperately miss my friend. what do I do?

I've had an internet friend or two in the past. So I know how you feel when you don't have that person to speak to. I even had one guy think he lost contact with me, something he did wrong, and then write how glad he was to find me again. However, I was single and divorced and needed a best friend. Once I met my 2nc husband, he became my closest friend+ more and we both then had each other to confide in and help support each others goals, dreams and help with our weaknesses. That old friend on line eventually faded away and I didn't miss him because I had my husband to talk to.
Just as with LDRs, a friend on line whom you have never met, has their real life, a tangible one, meaning one they can touch with all their senses. On line, maybe you can see and hear what they share but you do not know unless they tell you, what else is going on in their life beyond the phone or computer. Yes, talking to each other on line is real life but I am talking about more. After all, when spending time with a girlfriend, you sometimes do more than talk, like cook and eat together, go shopping together, bike ride, and so on. Its shared experiences. He has a girlfriend which may play into this mystery more than you falling asleep and not being there to play a video game together on line. In the 10 months, something may have happened. After all, it doesn't take a year or 10 months to know you have the person you want to marry. Maybe they are engaged and spending every little bit of time together. So now in importance, say of a mans own priorities being like the sections of a totem pole, you are no longer a top priority as in the past. This could all be a wrong guess. He may have a computer that died, or a cell that was destroyed and has to be replaced. I know a month is too long a time to get this kinds of things replaced, but money may be an issue. Why not wait another month, then try contacting him again. If he still doesn't get on and explain what happened, then it has something to do with his GF, even if he says its okay. If they are living together as well, as she sees him online talking to you when she needs his full attention and he doesn't give it cus he's being fair to you, then ultimatums could have occured, and not wanting to lose her, he chose to ghost you. I can't say for sure but give it time, try again and if no response, you'll know you just have to grieve the loss as if he had died. Oh, that brings up a question. If he didn't have shots or boosters, he may be in the hospital fighting for his life...theres that possibility. Just pray for him, in case.

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Hi. Last night i had a strange dream where the girls in my family were trapped inside this house and there was a scary man who threatened us all the time. We kept thinking of ways to leave the house but he had two guns.
the strange part of the dream was that I was expecting. It was so surreal to me that I was shocked in the dream. I am 20 years old and I have never been in any relationship like this nor do I have any plans. I don't consume any media that would make me thirst for motherhood. The closest i have come into contact with a baby is baby sitting (when i was 12 and then when i was 17).

is this dream just random rubbish? The man was my old teacher who was awful at teaching his subject and got scammed a lot. I don't know why he was there or why he was holding guns. I do not have any brothers and my father (Thank GOD) is extremely loving and caring, we all get along with him well. Was this my brain creating a weird show? Either way, this dream keeps haunting me and leaves a strange taste in my mouth. I dont want to have a child right now, i am scared. Please help , thank you

You had this dream once and it haunts you? Try having a dream somewhat like yours and having the exact dream over and over again. I had it when I was in my 20s and it only went away in my forties but something changed in how I thought about some things and I believe that may have helped it go away since in the last 20 years I haven't had it at all. Yes, as said before, dreams can be nonsense especially if you had it only once or twice. But if routinely having the same dream, it is most likely symbolic of something. It is usually something a person needs to grow past a belief or stance or something going on in life or will be at some point.
I understand you are only 20, the age I was when I married although you say you have no plans for anything like finding a man to marry and have kids with him. If you don't want children, thats okay. I have a daughter without kids who does not want them either.

You can find some sites on line or a book that explain the symbols in dreams. Such as riding in car, doesn't mean you are going to go for a ride in a car. Its about the car being transportation and moving you from one spot to another which in essence is a trip or journey. Then it may be about taking a vacation, changing where you live such as moving from one place to another. It can also mean the journey of going from one job or position in a job to another one. Being pregnant is about giving life to a new human. It symbolizes something new is going to come your way, but it isn't a baby. Before I had kids, I had one dream about water breaking, and a baby ready to arrive, I was lying down and within a couple minutes a baby came, without an ounce of pain on my part and I thought, it would be nice if childbirth will be this easy. But no, I felt the labor pains years later when I had my first of 3 kids. I don't know you so even my guesses on potential meanings won't match your life. I can only guess based on the little you shared.
The bad guy threatening you and other female household members and then in real life how you see your dad, make me wonder if you are subconsciously worried about a joke of a man ever being in your life, like married to. Since there were no males in the house, I would assume the representation is for females only. SO your concern over who you may meet someday and date, will he be for real or the kind who leaves you waiting at the alter or the one who marries but instantly forgets to honor, love and cherish you. When we feel powerless to avoid such a possible outcome in our livs, its going to haunt us, yes and possibly could be why you saw this. If and when you are ready for some help on determining if a guy is Mr. Right for you, I have things to share, same stuff I went through when seeking a second husband. I was very careful, but critical and not leaving guys room for mistakes when I started down that road but I was older and wiser. Just remember me and write to me by looking up my name in here, dragonflymagic and remind me what you need as I won't know who you are. This is all total confidence, I know nothing by which I can identify you even as someone I talked to a week ago. If you want to hear my story of my repetitive dream that went away, and what exactly made it go, I am glad to share, let me know. I just remembered a sister of mine who had repeat dreams of disaster, something like a big Tsunami. None were in the news. She had the dreams a couple months, almost every night. Then finally hurricane Katrina hit and her dreamss stopped. It was a premonition but her only one time in life she had a true premonition. Mine did not stop due to something happening in the world though. Mine was about changing how I beleived.

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I don’t know if there is a contest for weirdest question but I feel mine might qualify to be in the contest. My big question is about whether or not to keep my underarms shaved or to let the hair grow back to natural. I am a 14 year old guy in high school. My girlfriend is 16 years old and amazingly beautiful and way smarter than me and a funny sense of humor. I did a dare where I let my girlfriend and her friend shave my underarms in a video to prove I was in support of women who had to shave there when guys don’t have to do it. I was trying to be in support of women’s rights but I found out from her later that was just an excuse to prank me and I fell for it. I guess it was funny. I say it shows I will literally do anything to keep my girlfriend happy. My guy friends say it is “gay” which is not a cool thing to say no matter what but I think they literally mean only people who are homosexual do it. That is bogus because I know some athletes do it for things like swimming and wrestling and it has nothing to do with being gay or not gay. My sports are basketball and baseball so that is not a real excuse for me to do it but my point is different people do it. I personally like it. It feels good to be smooth there as long as I keep it shaved and my girlfriend says no hair makes my muscles stand out more. She said my pits smell better too even if I worked out or just finished practice which I think is just like the underarm hair getting wet and stinking and now it doesn’t. What she thinks counts for the most and she says I should not listen to my guy friends. She jokes she is going to dare me to do more shaving down below so I am hairless from the neck down. That makes me nervous but I think she is really just trying to make me squirm which she thinks is funny. My haircut is already super short which she picked out so not much more she can make me do that way. I am not a body builder but I do think I look a little more jacked without the armpit hair. I do like that she tells me take my shirt off all the time to check and she actually helps me keep it smooth. I know that is kind of weird but all the attention I get from her turns me on so I am like whatever you want to do sign me up. My dad told me I was insane to do it but he did not care as long as I did not get a tattoo or piercing. He was like it will grow back so no big deal. My mom does not know yet unless my dad told her but she did not act like she knows. My girlfriend said if I wanted to go back to normal it would be okay but she wants me to stay the same for now if I want to do it. She said if I got chest hair she would want me to keep it smooth too. I guess I will do what she wants because I want to be sexy for her the way she wants. Personally I think my guy friends need to get a girlfriend and then see how cool it can be if you make her happy. We are virgins because she wants to be and that is okay with me but all I am saying is there are a lot of very nice things without going all the way that can happen if your girlfriend knows you are into making her happy. For example, I will go shopping with her and carry her crap all Saturday because I know she will reward me later like making out which can be very awesome even if it frustrating to stop. Plus, it feels really good for her to say what a good boyfriend I am to other people and she also comes to all my games and some practices like my personal cheerleader which is awesome. Why would I give that up to have hairy armpits I did not even like. Sounds dumb to me. What do you think?

To start, to help you feel more comfortable and not so weird, here's my own confession, a bit weird but I will follow with explanations why it is so.

I will at times while cuddling, just burro my nose in his armpit sniffing deeply because it smells so good. He has hair but it doesn't grow thick. Picture that and tell me its not weird.
My second husband's body chemistry is a good match for me. This means how he smells under his pits or in his crotch do smell good to me. I remember once a guy in my past, after taking off his clothes and I got close enough to smell, the odor of his musk smelled so gross to me I almost gagged and gave the excuse of having a migraine and had to go.

My husband however smells good, even when not freshly showered. The pits are not exactly the same as the original scents but closest I can get is to say 'lemon pepper' scent. I will say that my tastes as for visual hair there are reasonable. If I am eying a good looking man who then stretches his arms up in a yawn, and I see what looks like a dead rat or mouse glued to his under arms, thats a bit too much hair and so gross looking that I turn away. So some hair trimmed down is fine or all shaven is fine. However, other than reasons you mentioned which I agree do happen, men usually don't shave underarms, i guess its cause he's already shaving his face so often.
Now the scientific info regarding the smell. As I stated, sometimes two people may not have the best chemistries to match each other. So no matter what you do, you won't like the scent of each other. But here's something I learned by accident. Aluminum as an ingredient in deodorants that have a wetness stopping action as well, are not healthy. It can cause the sweat to have no where to go and painful lumps can form in the pits. Happened to my ex. Since then, I only get a natural deodorant, no wetness stopping. I also learned that yes, the hair can take on the odor of sweat. Then one day was horrified to learn that sometimes bad body odor can be caused by not getting all dead skin off the body. Odor, I was informed, was caused by many little bugs to small to see except by microscope, that live on the surface of our skin. And they eat the dead skin that is still there after showering or bathing.
As you may know, anything that eats also pees and poops. And the odor we smell when its really bad, is from the pee and poop. If you are disgusted by that, then alcohol is worse. The original sugar in what is to become alcohol is the food for the yeast that goes into the drink. My husband who makes Mead, told me this. Basically, the yeast is a live creature that lives on the sugar. It pees and poops which turns the former non alcoholic sugary liquid into alcohol. So in fact we drink the pee and poop of yeast.
You are correct that to shave or not isn't about being straight or gay. It is a matter of personal preference. If a man wears a pink dress shirt, it may be he likes the color or looks good in it, and although some gay men will choose to wear some pink, it doesn;t mean he's gay. I tend to like the color pink in a dress shirt on men. So whatever you do, do it because you like it, not because you have been nagged or forced to do so, not because you are being bullied to do it, not because someone your age says so. People in your age range and still starting in life and have so few life experiences. They will say anything and just because they said it means it's true. They probably believe everything they read about their favorite celebs simply because it was in print. Publications will photo shop photos of celebs and put their own made up, un true caption and story to it when it is not true. I learned this while watching someone interview an actor who kept saying that printed stories she brought up were totally made up, not a bit of truth in them. I decided to only believe what I heard straight from the horses mouth so to speak. I had to hear it from a celeb themselves on what they were willing to share about their life.
I don'tknow her at all but I see one caution here. I didn't hear about her making you happy, just about you trying to make her happy. In case you forgot or never knew it, a relationship of any kind, friend only or more, is a two way street. If not, someone is being used in subtle ways, and it would never be confirmed. It reminds me of the opposite, of people who have a trophy partner. You will have heard the term, trophy wife. It can go the other way and the guy end up being the trophy and its regarded as a status symbol for the older person. But it is more a derogatory term. So there is the slightest chance she's doing this to you and not quite aware what she is doing. She wants you to show you off to others, so she can say she has a boyfriend at an age when teens are just starting dating. It makes her seem more cool. So just keep that in mind as you enjoy your girlfriend and if you decide this is what she is really doing to you, and you get tired of it, then break up with her in person, and you can explain 'because of some differences you can't live with' and that would be true without going into detail what the difference is.

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I have a question about how to handle something that could be awkward. It is not a crisis right now, but it is something I am thinking about and wondering how to handle it when it comes up in the future.
I am 16M. I am having a consensual sexual relationship with my female supervisor at work. She is older than me at 26. I am a dishwasher at a restaurant and she is an assistant manager in charge of my shift. After we started being physical she made sure my two shifts each week are for the closing shift when she works (which is fine with me).
It all started when she found out I lied about my age on my job application. I was actually 15 when I started. I am trying to save money to get a car. Still working on that. She called me in to her office after closing and demanded to see ID. I did not have a license yet so I confessed and begged her not to fire me.
It was kind of pathetic looking back. She said I seemed so desperate and panicked over a dishwasher job. I told her I would do “anything.” She made me repeat that and she emphasized “anything.” She told me to take of my shirt and did this sexy inspection thing. She asked if sex was on the table and I said I would do that even if she was not blackmailing me. So it started that night.
While I could go into details of stuff we do together I don’t see how that has anything to do with my question. Let’s just say she is teaching me a lot and I love her super demanding high expectations. She has a thing for younger guys and I guess and I am turned on by the age difference and the whole proving my manhood to her thing. And yes, I was a virgin and I am glad she was the one.
She does not cut me any slack at work. She is actually way more demanding on me and even acts like I am a screw up. People are like “Why does she hate you so much?” Sometimes I think she overdoes it, but she will like wink at me when she does it and says it is just so people do not realize we like each other (which makes sense). I am actually a hard worker and helpful to everyone and I don’t really make a lot of mistakes. It is a game to see if she can find something minor to exaggerate so she can ream me out in front of other people. Sometimes she just makes stuff up just to bust on me for show. It is hard not to laugh sometimes.
As much as I like her (even beyond the sex), we are obviously not dating. We are just having sex and playing sexy games she makes up. Everything is on the down low. We would both get fired for sure. My parents would freak. She also might get in legal trouble which I do not want. That is why I have to be careful about asking for advice.
Here is the problem. We are both single now, but if one of us met someone we liked and wanted to date them and have a legit relationship, I feel like we would have to end our sex adventures to be faithful to that other person. I assume she would feel the same way, but I don’t know.
I am not sure how to bring this up to her. It is not an issue now, so maybe I would just spoil things by bringing it up until it is actually an issue. I don’t think she would actually fire me but I don’t want to make her mad or disappoint her or make things weird. I also don’t want the fun we are having right now to stop. I don’t want her to get the wrong idea like I am cooling off and looking for an excuse to stop. To be honest, I feel like I am lucky out of my mind to be in this situation like a fantasy come true. But I know if can’t last forever and she would never take me seriously as a boyfriend even I was legal. Any advice would be welcome.

Now you see in looking back, how one lie has grown out of proportion and created this situation. I have a sis who lied about her age to start working but it was regular work with no sexual benefits. While lying to get a job is against the rules, I want to address what she did. Blackmailing you where you lose a job or have sex with her is something I can understand a young man falling for. Heck my 2nd husband as a busboy at a restaurant at 19 had women patrons going after him for the same but he was of age, so no problem. And it ranged from gals in their twenties to divorced women in 30s and 40s, who did not want marriage but still wanted sex. Here's the warning, something I learned with my divorce after almost 30 years of being verbally abused. The red flags were there but I did not know what they were at the time. When it comes to something major like this, whatever little you might see, is almost always not a one time going against rules or breaking a law. Its kinda like seeing a teeny tiny chunk of ice floating in the water. Its so small, it can't hurt anyone you think. But as so many programs on TV have shown, beneath the surface of the water is the rest of the iceberg and its huge and can cause a lot of damage. So you may think you are safe, you won't tell. But you can't predict what she will do. Think of how many guys would love to know her, guys of legal age who only want sex, unless she is ugly as hell, any guy wanting sex without a commitment is going to think they just died and went to heaven if she gave them sex. The bad thing is her stooping to blackmail to get sex. Look at it this way, I am in my sixties, married, but if I wanted to just get sex on the side, any age, young or older, I would find it easy, not as many prospects but there'll always be a handful. I get guys writing me on facebook asking to date or have sex, they are not on friends list, so I am not exaggerating here. That is the first thing wrong here. The fact she
didn't just think it in her mind but acted on it by saying what she did, shows she is capable of doing more of the same and worse. A person willing to choose to do what they know is wrong, is like the iceberg. You only see this one act of hers but there is a whole lot more of the same just hidden. Thats the second thing that sounds wrong here. I learned the hard way. This woman is not going to treat you like a cherished friend with benefits if something goes wrong. Say someone else does a routine check up on her, or discovers this deal somehow. If it came to her job or yours, she'd sell you out. All you are is a sex toy to her. I can say this because I know what the sell out type is from my first husband to the 2nd one with whom we are mutually in love with, caring about the others welfare. It would never occur to us to protect our self and not give a F&%^ about the other. If for some reason, we're going down, it will be together. This woman could easily say they are mistaken, that you overpowered and attacked her one night on closing shift forcing her to have sex with you, and it was just that once. When there is no solid proof unless camera's c aught you both, it will be her word against yours and tho you may not get charged since it can't be proven, just in case it is true, the top boss would likely fire you. SHe is in a bad spot because if found out, she would go to jail, you are still a minor. You know that. Most people would not think of jeopardizing their job over maybe getting caught. You seem to be most concerned about what to say to get her talking about the what if either of you met someone and fell in love. This brings us to what makes a relationship successful or have a fighting chance. The foundation for a long term or life long relationship is two fold, being each others best friend, and being each others sexual equal, meaning liking the same things, same libido strength, and so on. You need to decide whether to continue and take your chances or let her continue the black mail. At this point, if you can find a way to prove she is consentually having sex with you, then you could warn her it is over and that if she wants to try to blackmail you further that you will tell the police what has been going on. If she allows it to stop and doesn't say anything to cost you your job, then you work in peace but no other stuff and she gets to keep her job. Its one thing to allow someone too young to start a job and its a bigger crime to blackmail for sex. You could wait to see what may happen in the future. There are a few states that may differ so you may want to look up your state but with limited hours, most people cant work at 15 with no heavy labor or dangerous parts to the job. Please check out this link providing such info.

https://work.chron.com/age-legally-eligible-work-us-31196.html

So they may have given you more hours than the 15 hr limit per week when age 15 due to your lying, which could hold the whole company liable if anything ever goes wrong for you on the job. You may not want to stop a situation of free sex but what could go wrong is not little inconveniences. If your job says you have to be 16, or 18 but the state law is different, I believe the higher number rules, which would mean personal choice of age limit minimum is companies choice. If you are eligible to work at age 16 according to your state's laws, then there is nothing to stop you finding work elsewhere and getting away from a very bad situation

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