|
I Screwed Up, Please Help Me Fix It
I hope you don't mind me coming to you for advice personally like this, but I really need help fast and I think you're the best person to help me.
I really screwed up tonight and I feel terrible about it. There's this guy who works at a grocery store that I go to a lot who's always very nice to me and talks to me every time we see each other. I used to think he was just a really nice guy who was like that with everyone, but tonight when I went to the store, he stopped me and after a minute of talking to each other, he asked if I wanted to get together sometime. I'm such a moron, I honestly thought he just wanted to hang out as friends. I said yes because hanging out as friends sounded nice, but after a minute, I realized he was asking me out. By that time, I'd already said yes, so it was too late to turn him down. I feel terrible because I know I could've gotten out of it right then and there if I'd tried harder, but I was just so surprised and caught off guard that I couldn't think fast enough to know what to do. But I'm gonna have to cancel on him.
There are a lot of reasons I can't, and honestly, don't want to go out with this guy. He's a lot older than I am. I'm 34 and I don't know exactly how old he is, but I'd guess that he's around 70. That's way too big of an age gap for me. Also, I've got way too much going on in my life right now to want a relationship. My mom's undergoing cancer treatment. She's technically cancer free as of now, but she's still gonna have to do radiation and possibly a double mastectomy. My dad's been treating her poorly and causing all kinds of problems between them lately and I'm trying to help with that. I currently don't have a job or my own place to live. My life's just too complicated right now for me to want to get into a relationship. There's just no way I can go out with this guy.
I feel like I could tell this guy what I told you about my life being too crazy right now to get into a relationship, but I fear he'd just think I was making excuses not to date him. And how would I explain why I said yes in the first place? I feel like I couldn't tell him that I didn't realize he was asking me out because he eventually made that pretty clear after I'd already said yes. What's killing me is that I made him so happy when he thought we were gonna go out. He was EXTREMELY happy and he's such a nice guy. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't know how to get out of going out with him without doing so. I feel like a monster (and a moron) for getting into this situation. It's really breaking my heart and making me question my character, not to mention my intelligence. Do you have any advice as to what I should do?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I have had a busy week and haven't been on line so didn't see your note til now. In case its not too late or for next time, I will share with you anyhow.
I agree you have too much going on emotionally to really be available emotionally in starting a relationship right now. First, don't think of yourself as stupid, or a moron because a good amount of people who are crushing on someone or want a date, will not be clear, only come across as being extra friendly. I was being my cheerful self, years ago on a dance floor and a woman dancing approached me and says, "Are you bi sexual?" she was, I wasn't so I said no. Her answer, "Oh, sorry, I thought you were." "Why?" I asked. "Oh, for me its your body language and something about your face." It is very easy to mistake anothers persons desire or lack of. It goes either way. I think that age is important to you. Most 70 yr olds are working pt on top of their social security check. If money is not tight, they won't work at all, and only to the limit one can without losing their soc. sec. check each month they work too much. I worked a bit in a grocery and was shocked when carding everyone as we had to. The people I thought were a decade or two older than me, were actually younger than me, which could mean high stress in life or some major sickness that aged them early. So he was more likely to have been in the 50s because someone the age you are thinking of, in almost all cases does not even try to ask out someone who is between the ages of his children and grandchildren.
Now, about not wanting to hurt a guy, what if you were asking and the guy says yes but is not attracted to you, only wanting to prevent hurting your feelings. You would not like having wasted time going out with someone you can't have a future with. That is not a good excuse. The right excuse is lack of chemistry, both the chemistry to be best friends and the chemistry to be more than friends as in sexually attracted. After a divorce, I was ready to find a mate again, and being wiser, I was armed with knowledge of what doesn't work so when I started on line dating, I had to learn whether there was chemistry first, at least as friends and if there was, see if we had enough in common to start dating. So I suggest that when starting with a guy, you tell him, I will go out (if you are interested) but only on a coffee meet up so we can determine if there is enough in common to have chemistry. If you are not interested, you can say right off the bat, that you don't feel any chemistry so you won't be going out with him. Most guys understand the word 'chemistry' and have no problem with it as they would not go for a long term relationship with any female they also don't feel chemistry with. It's that simple. I used that line truthfully on many when I was ready to find a new mate. By the way, I found one. I did meet many nice guys but I had a list of what I was looking for in a guy and did not want someone who was too far different in political or spiritual matters. At a coffee meet up, is a good place to tell your story of whats going on emotionally right now in your life and how you can't even think about dating right now. I used this initial meet up as a way to tell guys everything I was looking for, being open about myself, sharing all my spots and wrinkles so to speak, and letting them know that if by the end of this meeting, you feel I am the wrong person for you, then you are free to walk away, no hard feelings. Never had a problem with that either. If in the future, when you are seriously ready to settle down and marry, let me know and I can share a document on how to find Mr. Right, with making of lists of must haves, wants, and understanding deal breakers, and basically being the HR dept hiring for the position of boyfriend or future husband.
]
More Questions: |