A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Member Since: July 16, 2007
Answers: 2588
Last Update: April 13, 2014
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ok this is probably the dumbest question you'll ever come across but i can't help wondering and i am sure other women have been wondering too...
so i watched "p.s: i love you" right.... and me and my gals fell head over heals for the dead husband dude and were arguing whether he's just a conjured ideal fantasy or if men like that truly exist. not to sound like a pessimist... all the men in my family are chauvinistic bastards who believe that if their girlfriends or wives or whatever get raped they'll be too disgusted to touch her again... (i know boohoo for me lol) and most of the men i know if not all have cheated in some way or another (even without actually committing the dead) on their lovers.. so thats something i am convinced, or even more so, believe is an unchangeable fact about the nature of men... but hey it doesn't necessarily mean they are bad or that i am a man hater..... anyway i know not all men are like my family men coz my boyfriends are sweet hearts... but the latter is true (about the cheating)....thing is i am not convinced that perfection exist and frankly that guy was perfect in every way... i mean even his flaws make him perfect. so i argued for fantasy...
a friend of mine told me something that i feel too uncomfortable to say again that made me think of the possibilities .... do men like jerry exist???? seriously... what man still loves a women who throws shoes at his face and yells at him every single minute of their presence together?
please give me ammo to slap her back to earth! (link)
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There is no such thing as perfection.
However, some people just fit. Thats the best way to describe it. Their flaws help them to understand you and your flaws do the same towards them. You can put up with each others bullshit that comes in between the loving, sweet, sensual, and mundane good moments you share.
As to quality of men, yes there are better men than you know out there. There are also worse men.
Something to keep in mind for perspective sake. Everyone has flaws. But lets say you date a guy and you hate a few things about him and its a dealbreaker, another person with different views might not say the same thing. They might be flaws that the new person can understand or deal with better than you could.
And to be honest, few men will love an abusive woman. Some men would be just as abusive back, some men would cower and just let you walk all over them because they cant do any better.
Not every man is a Chauvanist. Not by half. You need to swim in better ponds if you want to find better guys.
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i have a boyfriend, and he is amazing and perfect. But I can't help but to be tempted by other guys. I just really need passion in my relationship and my boyfriend is so awkward about it. How can i resist temptation, because I don't want to mess up my relationship or hurt my boyfriend =/
and i can't really tell my boyfriend to pump it up in the bedroom - he can't help being a little nervous about that kind of stuff. (link)
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Sure you can tell him to pump it up. But it might help if you show him a bit of what you want him to do.
Communication is the key to working out this problem. Talk to him about what you want and how you want it, and how he can give it to you. Show him that he CAN fufill what you want he just needs to do a few things differently.
Inevitably, the best solution to a problem with the sex life is ALWAYS more sex ;-p
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So yeah I'm like 15 and i'm a teenage girl who is having a really hard time with life and I think I should just kill myself. Nothing ever goes my own way. Guys never like me. People hate me in general I'm just an annoynce to everyone. I hate life. It never gets better it just changes and it still sucks after that. I'm sick of being depressed. Really I just want to lock myself in my room and cry then starve myself then die. I hate being a teenager its not like being a kidd its diff. Everything is confusing and nothing is ever how you imagined or wished it to be. So I dont know what to do ? Any advice? (link)
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Well, first off, if you are alive in 10 years you arent going to look back and say "God I wish I had killed myself when I was 15"
Rather, you will look back and shake your head at how stupid you were and how glad you are that you DIDNT do something like that.
Lower your expectations. Kids these days go into teenagehood thinking that entering high school is going to be leading the good life, that you are magically going to become popular, that all these random things will change for the better.
Harsh reality, if you want things to get better, change them yourself.
Life is not handed to most people on a silver platter. Take it one day at a time. Figure yourself out. If something bothers you, look at yourself and figure out what is causing it. Then change it.
But yeah, if you sit back and wait for good things to happen you will be sorely dissapointed. You have to go out and make them happen yourself.
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So in July of this year, my parents found out that me and my boyfriend had sex. But we lied about it for a few days but then i finally told my parents the truth because my dad threatened to but my boyfriend in jail. Im only 14. And hes 18. I know thats really bad, but i dont care about age. Especially now. We're supose to be going to court for this and have the judge decide what should happen, him going to jail for a few years, or probation, or even a restraining order. I dont want any of that to happen. I seriously love this guy. I dont care what my parents say, or think of it. I love him and I want to be with him! I love his family and his family love me, well right now they're are still kinda mad but they told me that they still love me, no matter what. So basically we are still together, but to my parents, we aren't. Every day, I miss him even more, there isn't one second that im not thinking about him. I cry myself to sleep, Im depressed, lonely, and hurt. I want to go to counseling but im afraid to tell my parents because they think im over him completely. But im not, I never will be. I never will forgive my parents about this, they ruined my life, my heart, and my trust. But lately its getting really bad. My depression. I don't have anyone really to talk to about this. Only his sister and two of my best friends. I know they can't help me, but at least they listen. I don' know what to do anymore, i know i can't move on. I've tried before, never worked. I don't want to live with my parnets anymore because i just keep things from them all the time, I want to be somewhere that i can actually express how i feel. And when i need to cry, ill cry instead of just letting it build up inside all day long and then crying myself to sleep at night. I just hope and wish that ill get a nice judge who will understand how we feel. I dont care that im 14 and i think im in love. I know i am. And if u say im not, then I DONT CARE. Because honestly, no one really knows how i truely feel about him, maybe 3 people, but they only know a little.
Anyways, I honestly don't know what to do anymore. (link)
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If you and he have both admitted to police that you have had sex, then theres nothing you can do, and he is probably completely fucked.
From this point on, say nothing. If you must speak, deny having had sex with him. The only way you can protect him is by not offering them evidence. Tell him the same, do not admit to anything.
If you are called to a Witness stand, refuse. They cannot physically force you to speak against him. Do not, regardless of the consequences for you, they will be far less than for him if he is found guilty.
He is staring a lifetime of sex offender registry and the complete inability to lead a normal life in the face. To the point where it would be advisable for him to leave the country rather than be a registered sex offender.
If by your silence you can prevent that, then be silent. If you offer no evidence theres a slight chance hope that everything will be OK.
Oh, and delete this question. Its evidence. So are any e-mails youve sent that discuss sex. Texts on your phone. Etc Etc.
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i know my boyfriend masturbates to beautiful girls on the internet, hes even told me. im just crying right now because i looked at the insanely pretty girls he has as his favorites and who he probably masurbates to. im not pretty like them and i never will be, and it just really hurts because i feel like he isnt happy with me and would go with a beautiful girl if he could. we have been together for almost two years, and we have had our issues, but i just feel really low right now. is this normal? do i have anything to worry about? any input or experience like mine is appreciated, especially from a guys point of view! (link)
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Oi.
Ok. Key factor here, that differentiates guys from girls.
We dont ever stop looking.
Ever.
I'm in a committed relationship. Almost 3 years. I still masturbate. Most guys with a decent sex drive do. Now not as much as I used to, but still do. Its normal and healthy male activity of the uncomfortable sort that there isnt much info about because no one wants to talk about it openly.
Anyway. Its not about not being happy with you. I mean, on a practical scale, you have to consider that yes there are girls out there who are more attractive than you are. And yes, he is going to be aware of that.
Does that mean he wants them over you? No. We don't fall in love with sex symbols and objects of lust. We just want to fuck them. Its a different drive and absolutely devoid of most emotion.
Theres another thing you have to understand about people in general.
Many people, if you asked them privately if they would take their significant other's mind in a better body, they would say yes. If you asked someone "if we could make your significant other be her, but make her body absolutely perfect" most people would not refuse.
That being said, the body is just the wrapper, when you're in love.
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my boyfriend and i are somewhat sexually active but so far i've found that condoms have made sex quite painful like too much friction or something...help?! thanks. (link)
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Possibilities.
You have an allergy to the spermicide (Nonoxyl 9) thats on the outside of most condoms.
- If this is the case, a way to test is to get a spermicide from CVS or walgreens and have him put a little on his finger and finger you with it. If it quickly begins to hurt, you have probably found your culprit.
You might have a latex allergy.
- Get a condom that does not have nonoxyl 9 lube on it and try that. If you still hurt, possibilities include latex allergy.
You might not be wet enough.
- He needs to warm you up a bit more. A bit more foreplay. It might be possible that buying a tube of astroglide wouldnt be a bad idea. They carry that at CVS/wal mart or where ever as well. Get that over K/Y. K/Y is terrible, gets sticky very very quickly.
Now, a follow up question. You specified condoms. Have you had sex without and it was fine? Any other info would help.
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15 f\ virgin
I'm a little older then 15 and a half. I love my boyfriend dearly. I really AM ready to have sex with him and I want to give him something I can't take back or give anyone else. I would have sex with him, however, I feel I'm just too young! I know for a fact no one would find out about it, I rather it be personal. I would like to know your opinion. I know I am ready, I just consider 15 young.
thanks alot, xo (link)
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I have never met a single person who had a feeling like that, waited, and later thought "God, I wish I had had sex earlier and hadn't wasted all this time"
A no can always become a yes later. A yes cannot become a no later. (For so many reasons)
Do you know why people say certain ages are too young?
Because of experience. I'm in my mid 20s now. I am different than I was at 19 or 20, very much so. Experience has taught me alot about the world. The same thing can be said for a 13-15 year old and an 18-19 year old. Different amounts of life experience change how you see things in this world.
Also, at 15 you are flexible. You are very apt to being influenced by your experiences. And as with anything in the adult realm there are great things about sex and there are some pretty bad consequences to balance it out. People try to keep you relatively safe from the negative aspects of the influences until you are adult enough to handle those negative aspects and keep your life in balance.
Example. Unplanned High school pregnancy is I believe a higher percentage of occurence than unplanned college pregnancy. High schoolers are much less apt to control themselves, to protect themselves, or to have enough information for either, than a girl who is sexually active in college.
So that becomes the goal. "When shes grown up, when shes older, etc etc, she can do that because shes more likely to be safe and OK then"
I mean, look at yourself right now. Do you know where you can go get STD tested? Could you manage to get down there and get it done on your own? Can you buy the contraceptives you need? Do you know what contraceptives you need? Do you know your own fertility cycle so you know when you are most likely to get pregnant and when you are safest?
Id be willing to be there are a number of no's in that paragraph.
Ultimately, I guess I kind of challenge your mention of "Im ready". You may be ready emotionally, but are you ready for the rest of the consequences outside of waking up the next morning and not being a virgin?
Food for thought.
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okay I started on the 8th of this month and got off like last Friday.. Well I had sex Saturday. and he told me he may have cummed in me but he wasn't for sure cause he was drunk. I heard if your drunk your sperm count is low is it?.. and Is there a chance I can be preg. and My mom wants to take me tomorrow to the health department to be put on birth control. Would it affect anything If I got put on it. and then found out I was preg. or would it help some..
Please help
i'm 17 and scared. and The guy I had sex with Is scared to.
(link)
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There is a chance you are pregnant. If you had sex after your period ended you should have a very low chance of getting pregnant. Drinking and other such things affect your sperm count in the long term, not so much in the short term. Being drunk as you're having sex is likely to not have much of an effect on your current sperm count.
Its possible but not likely that you are pregnant. Only a test can make you surer than that.
Do not get on birth control until you are sure. Being on a hormonal imbalance would fuck up a growing fetus. Until you get your period again and pass a test, stay off the BC.
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idk how i should show him that i love because im still a virgin but its like i want to lose it to him. but i just dont kno how i should. i asked him what he wanted for christmas and he said nothing just for me to be with him and in his arms all day and i want to give him more than that but i just dont kno what should i lose it to him? because i love him so much and i want to be with him for a as long as i can and i just dont kno what to do please help me!! asap (link)
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I'll agree with the below. If you are asking strangers on an advice website if you should have sex, then the answer is probably no.
Honestly, one of the best christmas presents I ever recieved was a very well cooked meal and a 2 hour shoulder and back massage. Its all about the effort and thought that goes into the present.
But no, you shouldnt have sex as a present. Not when hes the first guy you would ever have slept with.
On the one hand, start your sexual adventures off right, be with someone at the right time for you. On the other hand, in 10 years you probably wont give too much of a damn about how you lost it. Keeps things in perspective.
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me and my girlfriend were doing stuff and she gave me a blow job and swallowed most of it but there was some left on the tip of my penis so when i put it back in my pants could it have got on my hand and when i fingered her got her pregnant.
btw there was like a 2 to 3 minutes inbetween me putting it in my pants and then me fingering her (link)
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Its highly unlikely, but a pregnancy test or a period is the only way to know for sure.
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hey whatsup. my names casey.
im in 7th grade and im thirteen.i live in bermingham alabama & i go to a christian middleschool, so theres only one class per grade [sucks i know]. But lately the boys in my grade have been really immature. All they talk about is how "hot" the eigth grade girls are, and they never talk to US anymore they just talk to the eigth grade girls. They say were jealous of them. I say NOOO. Girls like to date older guys...am i right? Well then why the hell are these losers non-stop flirting with the boys in our class!?! They have their OWN boys in THEIR class!!
The point is: i dont know wat to do about getting the boys to notice that we [seventh graders] have something to offer to NOT JUST OLDER GIRLS!
HELPPPPP.
-Casey (link)
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Someday you will be old enough to appreciate the difference between boys and men.
For right now, realize something. Girls usually DO date older guys. Because in general until you hit your mid to late 20s guys who are the same age as you will be less mature than you are.
In 7th grade, expect boys to act stupid. Guys have a tendency to chase after what they cant have while taking what they do have for granted.
I'll also say, in regards to the 8th grade girls, that most girls under a certain age will take any attention given to them, regardless of source. Most girls under 14 or 15 have seldom felt wanted or "sexy" and so they will pay attention to anyone who makes them feel this way.
Theyre young and stupid and your classmates are making them feel special in ways that they are just now becoming old enough to understand or experience for the first time.
Don't expect people to be mature about dating. It doesnt happen. I'm in my 20s and it STILL doesnt happen most of the time. I live in a house full of college students and half of them are still absolutely idiotic about romance and dating.
You cant expect them to notice, but to be honest in 7th grade you shouldnt worry about it that much. I'm sure its hard for you to really relate to the phrase "Youve got plenty of time for boys to notice you" but its pretty true. Boys will be boys but I would recommend waiting a few years until you have guys a few years older to pick from.
I will be completely honest though, high school guys arent much better.
You sound intelligent and self aware enough that I have a feeling you're going to be disappointed with guys through most of high school. Be prepared to not meet a ton of mature guys anytime soon.
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who is my soulmate (link)
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There is no such thing as a soul mate. Love and life don't work that way.
At any given point in your life, there are people you are compatible with and capable of falling in love with.
Now, you may not meet all these people in the course of your life. Most people might only know one or two people whom they are really, really compatible with at any given time. But they are the ones you have to keep your eye out for, the ones who think like you think and who you are just as good for.
The reason love is special, is that when it comes to a life partner you get to choose. The fact that it isnt fate, that you get to pick a person and say "I choose to spend my life with you" is to me more meaningful than anything like soulmates or fate.
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In movies, when they have sex scenes, do the actors/actresses actually have sex with eachother? and do they use a condom or anything when doing it? How does that work? (link)
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In movies usually unless they show full profile shots they are not completely naked.
The guy's dick is usually taped to his leg. They keep it out of the way. And in hollywood movies there is never actual penetration. As far as I know there has never been a sex scene in a hollywood movie where the actors actually had sex while being filmed.
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This sounds so bad.. But I need some entertainment.
So, where can I find celebrity 'hate sites'? (link)
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www.somethingawful.com qualifies
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I have this boyfriend. And we always talk and stufff. But today he just walk pass me and didnt say nothing.So what do you think i should do. Also WHen we get into a fight we call each names.And after he gave me money and wants sexy from me. (link)
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Dump him now.
Seriously.
And stay away from guys for a while. You arent old or mature enough for this.
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I was wondering, I am getting with this girl, and dont want to immediately have sex with her just yet, without first getting us tested for VD's but my question is this.. Can I safely lick her pussy and she give me head and be assured that NEITHER of us can catch a disease? I KNOW that I AM CLEAN and have no VD's or other infections. I have been tested and have only been with my wife of 11 years, now she is gone, divorcing me and I have to move on and have found a really hot girl to go forward with. I just want to be safe. Thank you. (link)
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Get tested first if you're worried about it.
There are very low chances but the chance is still there. To be safe, get tested together. Because I will be completely honest, you dont want to have oral sex with a dental dam or condom. It ruins the entire experience on both sides.
Be safe in other ways. Get tested.
::Edit::
The only thing you can do is exchange cold sores kissing. If she has no open sores, no danger.
I cant think of anything saliva can transfer. Licking shouldnt be an issue.
Washing will not affect anything, so don't bother.
All in all, you are entirely too nervous about this. Don't have sex with her or eat her out or get a blowjob until you get tested. That being said, take a lunch hour tomorrow and go get tested. Results usually come very fast. When she comes back clean (which she probably is)
Get tested and stop freaking out so much. Play with her, let her play with you, and if you're really that paranoid then dont do anything involving anything but hands touching privates.
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so i found a vibrator in my moms stash of things. lol before i use it or even think of using it..would that be totally gross if i did..she doesnt have std's or i would too since i am her daughter..but should i or shouldn't i use it. thanks (link)
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Thats more than a little weird.
If you want one buy your own. Generally speaking sex is an area where most people are very territorial. Ive purchased sex toys with a previous girlfriend and I always send those along with her because it would be really weird to me to use them with a new girlfriend.
Its just a little too personal.
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okay so i take a lot of kick boxing/boxing classes at my gym so i know how to punch/kick pretty well
but im just interested in how to learn how to defend myself if i was against another person or something
i dont wanna pay for like karate lessons or anything
so i was wondering if someone could show me something online or youtube or among that sort of thing
or if you know any steps yourself
like how to block yourself if someone was going to punch at your face and etc
thank you! (link)
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Honest answer, watching youtube wont do anything for you.
Part of the point of defense classes is to put you in the actual situations. Alot of defense is muscle memory, doing certain things until they are second nature.
Example, I can block or turn a punch so that it doesnt hurt. But you have to have experience watching a punch coming your way to know how to react to it. In classes they throw slow punches and speed up over time until someone can walk up and punch you full speed and you block it instinctively.
If you want to learn practical defense, you need practical experience.
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Okay, I just don't understand this emo/goth trend. So I have some questions:
1. How come all emo kids say how unique and individual they are, but they all dress the same and look the same?
2. They say that labels are bad, but some go parading around their weirdness (AKA emo-ness). How is that supposed to work?
3. If you're kid was emo and stuff, would you cry? I know I certainly would. (This is the poll question.)
4. How did emo-ness come to be? I thought this world was supposed to be a happy place. Why do they insist on draping dark hair over their faces and obscuring their eyes with black liner if the world is such a sunny beautiful place?
Any help to eliminate these people *cough* I mean help me understand this clique is appreciated. (link)
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Everyone wants to belong to something. Humans are social creatures, and when people do not find acceptance in one group or another, they eventually create their own.
That pretty much explains 1.
1) Emo kids are saying that they are unique from everyone else. They differentiate from other groups by acting and dressing differently. Its amusing because they call themselves nonconformists and the way to be a non conformist like them is to conform to THEIR views and do things the way they want you to.
2) Kind of the same as the above. Kids are immature. They dont like other people's labels, but because everyone HAS a label they arent comfy going without. They just create their own and demand that everyone call them by whatever label they create for themselves. Once again, they want to be like everyone else, but they don't feel accepted by everyone else and so they isolate themselves.
3) If my kid were emo I would wait for the phase to end and pray that it did. Though, hopefully my kids will be more levelheaded than that.
4) It came to be because people needed something to identify with and they just happened to choose "dark" as something to identify with. Those were gothic people. They were generally obsessed with death and darkness and contemplated things like this.
Emo came out of Goth. When you take whiny angsty teens and turn Goth into something mainstream, it became "emo"
So yeah, everyone who is emo could be considered a whiny goth poser.
Generally speaking, these people are to be pitied. They feel alone, they don't fit in for some reason, and so they found a new group to fit in with, who accepts misfits and social rejects. Either that, or they simply want to flaunt their inner drama whore. Ignore them if nothing else.
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i never really loved my wife/mother of my two kids i dont know why i married her now i wanna know how long we are gonna stay married?male 27yrs (link)
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There is no answer to your question. Marriage doesnt have a set term. Or did you miss the "until death do us part" in the vows?
The bigger question is why on gods green earth did you marry and have kids with a woman who you werent in love with?
Somehow you don't seem 27.
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