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Was I raped?

Question Posted Thursday June 23 2011, 10:41 pm

I am almost positive I was raped but I am not 100%...About a year ago I was with my well now ex boyfriend and we had been dating for over a year...One day we ended up at his house and we were doing stuff...Well I always got really scared and wanted to cry so I was asking my "sex expert" of a friend what to do and she thought I was ready to have sex. I told my boyfriend this and he started pushing me to do so. He used everything he could to get me to give in from family, to religion, to friends, to if I really loved him...Even though before he said he would wait as long as I needed...Especially since from the start of the relationship I told him that I didn't want to have sex until marriage and he was perfectly fine with that. When I told him to give me to the next time I saw him so I could make sure I was positive and make it hopefully more romantic he got mad at me and was yelling at me that I was going to do what I normally do and back out then accused me of blue balling him all of the time and how it wasn't fair on his part. Eventually I screamed fine then went to the bathroom and cried a little then went back to his room and just gave in...Is this rape? We were fighting and I know he pressured me but I don't know what it is legally considered...I absolutely hate myself for what I did.

Sorry for this being so long

[ Answer this question ]

Additional info, added Friday June 24 2011, 12:02 am:
While we were arguing and he was trying to make me want to or what ever his intentions were, I did tell him several times I didn't think I was ready...and I was near tears most of the time...I don't mean to try to make people feel pity for me or make them say what I want to hear, I am just trying to spit out all of the details and sometimes it's hard to do that on the spot .

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jessie22 answered Monday January 2 2012, 1:35 am:
Its not rape I don't know what it is but rape is being fucked (not having sex) without your decision or against your will.

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dimplez answered Monday July 4 2011, 1:04 am:
Okay I am currently 16 and the same thing happened to me I wouldn't call it rape or nothing it just like it's just like riding a bike at first your scared but you finally give in and try to do it so you want be scared and want to ride the bike all the time just think of it that way

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ravenrenn answered Sunday July 3 2011, 3:16 am:
Okay according to the law when you "gave in" I'm assuming you gave your consent and let him do it so it would not be considered rape in the court of law. However I do think personally that even if you gave in you still did not want to so (again my personal opinion) I think you were raped but, no, it would not be considered rape in court.

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karijo12 answered Friday July 1 2011, 4:18 am:
hm, this is a tough one. I dont think you were raped, but i think you think you were raped and right now this is what we need to focus on. Every girl is entitled to a secret or a few, but i believe talking to your mom or maybe a sister about this could possiby result in a much better answer. obviously he is your ex for a reason.

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YoungMommy answered Wednesday June 29 2011, 11:03 pm:
I dont think this would be concidered rape but it was definatly wrong. By you giving him consent or "giving in to him" made you willing.. But the fact that you told him you did not want it and even crying saying no should have made him back off... He had no right to pressure you into something like that.. If anyone ever tries to hurt you like that again just run away and dont stay in a relationship... you are better than this and I am so sorry for what happened to you good luck in the future and if you feel depressed or upset about the whole thing and you are not sure how to cope maybe you should try out some counceling best of luck

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adviceman49 answered Saturday June 25 2011, 11:53 am:
I agree with most of the other advisers though there is a real gray area here that could be taken into consideration.

For instance: intimation can be be used in the definition of rape especially if you felt as if you could not leave without consenting. If so there is also unlawful imprisonment. I'm not trying to put words in your mouth. Something made you give in, what was it. Whatever it was can make the difference between rape and non-rape. Only you know what that was.

From what I have read it does not matter if you fit the legal definition of rape or not. You feel as though you have been raped or forced or coerced into having sex against your will. Therefore legal definition aside you have been raped. In essence what I am saying is you perceive it therefor it is. It is your perception of what happened to you that makes it real.

Know what to do about it?

First: You really need to inform your parents and let them help you with this.

Second:I would like you to call an organization called RAINN. RAINN stands for, Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. The have a 24/7 hotline answered by professional volunteers who can help you deal with what has happened to you. They will help you find professionals in your own town who can help you deal with the trauma of what has happened to you. You need the professional help to deal with this as this is something no one can truly deal with on their own. The hotline number is: 1-800-656-Help. Please call them today.

Third: Talking with your local law enforcement agency is the only true way to find out if what happened to you fits the legal definition of rape. Just what they can do about it after this period of time I cannot say; they will take some type of action. To get closure to this you need to at the very least speak with your local law enforcement agency and ask them if what happened fits the legal definition of rape.

This is also why I am suggesting that you tell your parents what has happened so they can help you with this. RAINN will also help you with this.

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awesomeal16 answered Friday June 24 2011, 4:57 pm:
Sweety, As much as it hurts me to say this you were not raped. You consented, although you were pressured to do so, you did give in and agree to it. Now if he is older than 21 and you are under 18 then it would be considered statutory rape even if you did say yes, that would be illegal. But by the sounds of it you agreed so it is not rape.

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WittyUsernameHere answered Friday June 24 2011, 11:19 am:
You consented. You feel terrible because it was a bad decision made in the heat of the moment while you were upset. The judgement was bad.

Yes, he pressured you. He is responsible for that. But in this case responsible for that means he's a douchebag. Words and pressure make you a shitty person, but it's not illegal when he didn't do anything for force or coerce you into it.

It's a fucked up situation for you, I know. This is why we tend to encourage teens to wait no matter what. You can always choose to have sex later when you feel better about it, but you can't take back a sexual experience had in haste or under duress or that you just weren't ready for.

Look at that last sentence in your main question.

"I hate myself for what I did".

I know it sucks. It's not entirely your fault, again there's a reason we try not to expect teens to deal with sex, often times they just aren't ready. You weren't ready to stand up to a guy like that and walk out of his house, never speak to him again.

But you made the choice here. You've said that clearly. Whatever kind of asshole your ex boyfriend is, you made a decision you now regret, and you have to accept that and move on.

If you can't, think about talking to a counselor about it. Just because the guy didn't actively rape you doesn't mean you weren't taken advantage of by a douchebag while you were in an emotionally vulnerable state and doesn't mean you aren't perfectly normal for feeling very hurt and upset and angry about it afterwards.

Even taking the rape off the table, this was your boyfriend of a year, a guy you expected to treat you with respect and patience and care, who in the end just chased after getting laid like it was going out of style. A hypocritical douchebag. Even had sex not happened I'd be surprised if you didn't feel hurt at being lied to by a guy who ultimately just wanted sex and wasn't willing to wait for it anymore.

Forgive yourself and let it go. Hating him and yourself hurts no one but you. You aren't perfect. No person is. You need to treat your own personal failures like lessons and not things to hate yourself over.

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Xui answered Friday June 24 2011, 12:03 am:
You weren't raped, You were pressured and taken advantage of.

Someone who respects you and your feelings would wait without pressuring you to your breaking point. Rape, Is when you say no and sex is forced upon you. However, There are many definition of "rape" yours do not fit into the category. Short answer you weren't raped, You were pressured and cracked. From now on if someone keeps pressuring the hell out of you to have sex.....Dump them immediately.

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Peeps answered Thursday June 23 2011, 11:50 pm:
This is particular gray area.

There are some people who, wholeheartedly, will say you were raped because you didn't want it to happen, really.

Then, there are people who are going to say, "Look, you told him no previously...but then you actually consented to it after going to the bathroom for a moment. You could have left the situation. You just feel guilty now for finally giving in."

The truth is, peer pressure doesn't exactly make the situation "rape." Being pressured, during an argument, to have sex, but while still in clear thought, doesn't quite do it.

For example:

Your friend asks you to go to the mall with her. You say no. She tells you that she's so sad you won't go. That every time she asks you to go, you always say no. She expresses that she's extremely disappointed. You, finally, give in, say, "Fine," and go anyway. You still don't enjoy the experience at all even though you went with her.

Does that mean she forced you to go? She made you go against your will?

There are other circumstances here: it doesn't matter that at the beginning of your relationship you asked for him to wait. That, really, is irrelevant. Even if you told him a week before the intercourse that you wanted to wait--really quite irrelevant. People change their minds, especially in the heat of passion. Girls, especially, say, "I want to wait until I'm married!" and then proceed to spread their legs. I know a girl who did this over...and over...and over.

Yeah, maybe you led him on before, too. Maybe you did feel guilty. He said you were "blue-balling" him all of the time. Honestly, were you sending him mixed signals?:

"I want to stay a virgin. Just let me grind on you some and get you all worked up and I can deny you."

You have a lot of factors to take into account.

If you had previously led him on, then maybe you consented because YOU felt GUILTY. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. Please know that. It means that you made a couple of mistakes that you need to learn from.

Men can't read your mind. Men also aren't keen on picking up our signals a lot of times. When we say, "No!" but then we start acting sexual then it gives them a green light that you want it. Yeah, it can be extremely frustrating when they're getting green lights all of the time and then, suddenly, are shut down when they think they're cleared to move forward and we stop them. Yeah, it can be upsetting, and, yeah, they can say and do things they later regret.

And, yeah, it isn't fair to turn a guy on, get him all worked up, and then tell him to wait.

People say and do things that they don't mean when they're upset. When we're frustrated, we will say things we don't mean. When we're confused, angry, or hurt...we may do things that we will later realize was a bad move. These feelings lead to arguments. Arguments lead to saying things you don't mean. Saying things you don't actually mean can lead you to go along with something that you later say, "Ah...I really didn't want to..."

Just because you felt like you shouldn't do it, and you were guilty after, doesn't mean he forced you to do anything. He said how he felt. He was upset. You didn't walk away. You didn't say, "I'm sorry if I've given you mixed signals but no means no and I am saying no."

Did you scream, "NO!" though? No. You yelled, "FINE!" Fine isn't no or stop. It doesn't matter if you yelled it. If you screamed it. If you wrote it on the wall. You still said, "Fine," and remained in the situation. You proceeded forward.

You made a mistake.

Live. Learn. Grow. Don't make the same mistake twice. Put boundaries on your partner--AND yourself. If you mean no, let it fully show in your actions too.

There are tons of men and women who make this mistake. You're not alone.

It's okay to feel guilty. You made a mistake. It isn't okay to put the entire blame on him by saying it was rape.

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