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Neglected as a youngster
When I was little, my parents never spent time with me, never talked to me unless it was about something i did wrong, and really brought me down.
Now I'm 16, and I'm used to living without my parents basically. They're there, but not there for me.
I think my childhood led up to the reason why I don't have any esteem at all.
I'm trying to make up for those years by hanging out with my friends- and they're calling me "clingy".
I need to try and make up for those little positive moments i never had as a kid, I need to get my esteem past the level of zero.
Any advice on how I can do this?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Lots of people go through this. Your parents may not have spent time with you and only talked to you when you did something wrong. But maybe something is going on in your parents life or maybe they have gone through a tough time and don't realize what they put you through. But you do have friends that like you for who you are and even if they say you are clingy you should find a close friend to hang out with that knows you and cares about you no matter what. And can help you go through what you missed. Nobody is perfect so don't put yourself down think of positive things about you. Yes I know you have gone through alot that some people haven't but you can't tell me there isn't anything good about you. Just push yourself do keep on living. What most people do is they just focuse on whats wrong with them, all the bad stuff that happened in their life. That isn't a life. They need to forget about all that and move on. Its over now. You may have some side effects off it but thats how we learn right? You won't treat your kids that way right? So now you know. Just remember this Life isn't easy and never will be. But I hope you find what your looking for.
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i understand that one , talk to your parents about how you never had i childhood and make sure they get it threw thier heads , tell them that your child hood was neglected and you would liek to be a family , your parents love you !!!
no matter what ....
your friend nicole
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Well your problem is mental. I'm not saying your crazy but growing up like that must have made you depressed all the time. You never had a real escape from it so it became your overall attitude. But now you are so miserable you just want out.
I suggest you just hold back on the clingyness. Your friends are already your friends cuz they like your personality.You don't have to hold on to them,they aren't going anywhere.So it's ok.
You also need to find a close friend or girlfriend/boyfriend who really understands you and helps build your confidence up.
tell yourself you are ok.it wasn't your fault your parents did that. just be you and people will love you for it.
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I'm sorry you're parents haven't been able to provide you with the love and the support that you deserve. I know that it's easy to blame yourself... You probably tell yourself that the reason your parents treat you the way they do is because something is wrong with you.
That's not true. There are many factors that contribute to your parents' behavior... And the reasons have to do with THEM, not you. Most likely, they suffered similiar childhoods and have repeated the same mistakes their parents made for lack of experience. They also might be hurting inside... And while they shouldn't take their hurt out on you, sometimes it's easier to tolerate and forgive certain behavior if you understand where it comes from.
Do yourself a favor... Learn to love yourself. I wish there was a list of things that I could tell you to do, but there isn't. Learning to love yourself, to accept yourself as you are and to realize that you should live for YOUR own expectations and not the expectations of others is one of the most difficult life lessons to learn... Many people die without being able to accomplish this.
Loving yourself is important. If you don't love yourself, it doesn't matter who DOES love you. You're so blinded by your own self-hatred that you can't see the people who care standing in front of you. (Trust me, I know. :))
Try this... I want you to stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself. I know there are probably things that you don't like about your physical appearance... But don't focus on that. Focus on what you DO like about yourself. Maybe the color of your hair or how straight your teeth are. And even though I know you're going to feel really silly... Tell yourself what you like about you while you're standing in front of the mirror. When you are done complimenting yourself... Start thinking of personal qualities that you like about yourself. Yes, yes... I know you're flawed (everyone is) but DON'T focus on that. Focus on what you do like... Maybe you're a good listener, maybe you're good at math... Think of every reason that you can and SAY it out loud to yourself.
There is nothing wrong with being flawed. I could write you a list of all my flaws right now, and I assure you that it wouldn't be short. It's okay to be imperfect, it's even healthy to acknowledge you're imperfections... But here is a secret... Accept your flaws. Accept them as a necessary part of you. Because flaws are important and they are necessary. Without flaws you can't screw up and make mistakes. If you don't make mistakes you don't learn anything. And if you don't learn anything... You're not really living. Celebrate your state of imperfection, realize that you were created as perfectly imperfect. You are just as you should be.
And the amazing thing is that... When you have accepted YOU and you love YOURSELF... Your flaws don't seem like such a big deal anymore. You'll notice yourself change...
And once you can say, "I love you," to the person that is looking at you in the mirror... You'll begin to see the other people around you that cared about you all along. You may even realize that your parents loved you all along, and they were just poor at showing it.
Remember that you are beautiful, wise, loving, and perfect... And the power to change the way you see yourself lies in... your mind.
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its hard i know and the easyest thing to do is let your slef know your neevr goin t obe like them. hold your head high and show tehm taht your better then them your gonna be better then them when you walk outside let people know your strong, just think of something taht really gets you going happy you know, and for the most part it will help.
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Well I can easily answer this question, because I have been there. Though I am in my 50's now, I still remember my childhood and young adult life. It was awful. Not abusive, you see, but neglectful, and yeah, I couldn't do anything right either. My friends were no help, and like ysg said, they ARE too young and it's not their problem, and if they have great parents, they really can't relate. I spent many years being rebellious and getting in trouble. Problem is, I was the one who suffered from my mistakes. They hurt me, when what I was trying to do was hurt them. I went through many lousy relationships where I never put myself first. Eventually I married, for all the wrong reasons, had two children and then divorced (for the right reasons) All this time my self esteem was suffering, but I didn't realize it. On the other hand though, I was accomplishing many things, working hard, raising two boys by myself, and getting by. But my parents words about being a failure were always in my head. When I was in my 30's I started to do some volunteer work. What a difference it made in my life. Now here I was working with people who thought I was wonderful. They couldn't say enough great things about me. I didn't think I was doing that much, but they did and that is what counted. Their words started to take the place of my parents words in my head. I became much happier. I became a better parent. I became a better worker, because I was no longer afraid. I gladly took new tasks and jobs that I was not familliar with. And I was succeeding in everything I tried. People thought well of me, and sought me out for advice, help, support and friendship. When I look back, I see how much of my life was wasted....being shy and hanging with the wrong people. I am back in college now, but I always wonder how much better off I would have been had I finished college when I was young.
Also, I did not want to be a parent like mine were, and it was hard to not repeat their methods of child rearing, since that was the only experience I had.
What I believe you need to do is find the support you need from adults, not from your friends. You have to find time for both. If you can find some volunteer work that you can be happy with, (working with kids, animals or the elderly) you will be working with adults who will appreciate your help and they will tell you that. You will begin to repeat their words in your head instead of your parents. YOu will get a chance to grow inside and become more accomplished. You'll find the strenght in you to venture out into the world. (I always thought the world was a scary place and that I didn't fit in anywhere)
There will always be a hole in your heart for the lack of unconditional love that your folks should have given you. Each child should be cherished. When you grow up cherished, you make much better decisions in your life, because you love yourself and you don't want to settle for someone who just uses you. (A boyfriend, husband, boss or best friend) People with low self esteem tend to be the ones who get used by the people in the world who are good at using people.
There is a good book that I can recommend. I believe it is called. Good Life, Bad Childhood. or maybe it's Bad Childhood, good life. By Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She has written many many books, and she is great. And much cheaper than therapy. She is tough!
I think it is great that you are asking these questions at your age. I wish I knew enough then to know that I was on the wrong path. I could have saved myself so much heartache. I have very little to do with my family of origin now, and that is fine with me. WE've had our moments, but they will never change. I know this, I am much happier than they are, and I have accomplished very much in my life. They can't be proud of me because they don't know how, and I know now that they suffer from low self esteem. I had to help myself, so if they want to be happy, then they need to do the hard work that I did not change.
YOu have received some good advice on this website. I hope that you do follow it. If you just follow half of it, you will be much better off, and maybe well on your way to a more normal adulthood. There is no reason why you cannot realize all of your dreams. they won't come knocking on your door. You just have to believe that you deserve to be happy, then go for it.
GOod luck to you dear
Michele
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First off, you need to realize that it isn't your fault your parents weren't parents. No offense to your folks and all, but if they can't ever talk to you without having something nice to say to you, then they aren't "#1 Mom and Dad".
You need to realize that their past treatment of you is THEIR mistake, not yours. And you have to realize that you can't let the mistakes of others get you down, or you will live a sad, sad life.
I can understand how your friends can consider you clingy, but you have to understand that they can't make up for missed moral support that should be given to you by a parental figure. They're just kids, too.
Here is a thought- you may find it silly, but you should consider it:
Go to your local nursing home and hang out. You know, there are a lot of people there that have low self esteem and feel neglected by their children and families- just as you feel.
Start talking to some sweet little old lady. She won't mind if you are clingy- she greatly enjoys the company. She can make you feel good about yourself, and you could give her the same favor in return.
Your friends can help you have positive moments in your life, but not quite the same as a trusted adult, such as the sweet little old lady who is always ecstatic to see you. :)
ygs-29/f
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My dad was the exact same way. He picked favorites and as you probably guessed, I wasn't it. What you have to do in order to get your self esteem up is go out with someone. (boyfriend wise) And as for your friends, they're not true friends if they say your to clingy. When it comes to friends, there is no such thing as clingy. I am 13/f and my whole life, I didn't have anyone I could talk to, until about a year ago when I met my BEST friend Mikey. He is there to talk to me about anything, and even my personal stuff, I go to him to talk about it. So what you need to do is find you a special friend, who you could just go to with anything. I mean you could be open with him, tell him anything, cry on his shoulder, or just laugh with. That will get your self esteem up for sure.
Hope I helped :)
Good Luck
-MCRxoLoVeR
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Find something that makes you happy. Take up a hobby, like for me, it's writing, and just do it whenever you feel down. Try something new, something that makes you feel accomplished and proud. Writing always makes me feel better and I hope you find something that does the same for you!
Also, explain to your friends that you aren't 'clingy', you just need some friend support because you feel you don't have parental support. Or find some new friends who don't feel like you're 'clingy'.
<3 Laura.
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