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sex hurts..
well alright the other night me and my boyfriend were planning on having sex. I was prepared, or so i thought. I expected sex to hurt since i was still a virgin and all but it hurt way more than i could take. As a result i pushed him back and we tried again. But i was in so much pain i couldnt do it. After he felt like it was all his fault and i know its all mine. he thought he pressured me into it and i told him that it just was not enjoyable for me and it was extremely painful. He got all quiet and i tried to kiss him, he didnt kiss back. Later we were talking and he said i just feel like i ruined my chance with you. I was overcome with saddness and found myself in tears that i could not control. He then felt like a complete jerk and started blaming himself and telling me i am the only girl he ever had loved also that if i didnt want we dont have to have sex. What should i do about this?
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Please let me add that while the other advice was wonderful, encouraging, and perfect, you should listen to your body. Since you're starting to be sexually active, you should see a gynecologist if you haven't already. The gynecologist can reassure you that there's nothing wrong with you, physically. Then you can start again, slowly and with lots of lube.
You have my sympathy. Painful sex is terrible for both partners and very hard on a relationship.
Sabine
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sit him down, just the both of you. do it over coffee or hang out with him at his place or something, somewhere where you both are comfortable. tell him to just forget about what happened and let YOU explain EVERYTHING. tell him it's not his fault and that since you were a virgin, it was just really painful. tell him you wanted to share a passionate thing with him but you just couldn't do it due to the pain. tell him you understand him completely and that you guys can try again when you're ready. i'm sure once he calms down about everything he'll realize it wasn't his fault. :)
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Obviously, this was a trial for both of you. You can get through it, though; it's just going to take some emotional fortitude, some mutual understanding, and some lube.
First of all, it is not all his fault, nor is it yours. It is the nature of things. The fact that you couldn't do it is NOBODY'S fault. Neither of you should feel guilty or like you failed. Doing anything for the first time is not easy - why should sex be any different? Take heart in the fact that you both love each other enough not to blame the other, and try not to blame yourselves either.
Right now, he feels like dirt because he hurt you - not intentionally of course, but you were in pain and he was the cause of it. This is a very difficult position for a decent guy to be in, especially when the goal was to give both of you pleasure. In spite of all the reassurance, he's feeling tremendous guilt. He will be able to get over it with your help, some of which you have already given.
Naturally, this is difficult for you as well. Here you wanted to be able to share this wonderful intimacy with your boyfriend, and you end up betrayed by the harsh reality that the first time hurts. He needs to help you through this too, and the best way he can do that is by accepting that he is NOT to blame, that there is no blame to be assigned here, that this is just something you'll both need to figure out.
You both need to get through the emotional fallout from this before attempting sex again. If you do intend to try again, tell him that you want to and that together you can make it happen. The two of you need to both find your way to the conclusion that something like this, which is NOBODY'S fault, should not be the end of a loving a mutually caring relationship.
Now, insofar as practical advice for how to try again when the time comes, here are some ideas:
(1) Lube. Use KY jelly or another water-based lubricant. DO NOT USE VASELINE - it erodes latex condoms and can breed bacteria, as it does not wash away afterward.
(2) Positioning. Consider trying it with you on top. That way, you are in total control, and you can slow way down if it begins to hurt too much. It will also lessen his "guilt factor".
(3) Consider that he may be too large for you, at least for now. You don't have to take him "all the way". Just go as far as it is comfortable for you. As time goes on, you'll be able to handle more, until it's all about the pleasure and the pain is a distant memory.
Good luck to you both!
(One more thing which I feel obligated to say: If either or both of you is under the age of 16, then you're too young to be doing this. Especially if you are, you may not be done growing and may be physically unprepared to enjoy sex no matter what else you do. And make sure you're using protection, even if you're both virgins - pregnancy CAN happen even on the very first time.)
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It wasn't a good experience for either of you. He is probably just disappointed. The first time you have sex is "supposed to be" really special and such. Reassure him that even though it wasn't perfect that it was still special and that your feelings haven't changed about him at all. Keep reassuring him that it's not his fault, too. It's nobody's fault. Neither of you could have helped it. Things like this happen. He knows it, but your love and support will make him feel a lot better about what happened. For now, you can have your boyfriend try stretching you out a bit with his fingers. When you're both ready, you can try intercourse again. It will get better. Good luck and remember to use protection.
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I know it is a touchy topic, Tell him it wasnt his fault. Cause actually it wasn't.
Yes your first time is going to hurt. But it is something that you have to work on. After the soreness wears off try it again. and each time after it should hurt less and less as the tissue is not as tight as before.
-Syd
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hey, well you should respect him for not pushing you into sex. some guys will brutally breakup with you because of you saying no. just let him know that you love him and its not his fault.
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Hey,
Just make sure he understands that you weren't mad at him! You just were in excruciating pain and you couldn't take it. He should understand, he seems like a loving guy!, Also, he said : "i just feel like i ruined my chance with you". MAKE SURE you tell him that he didn't. Show him how much you love him. Things should be back to normal soon :]
Hope I helped!
-Jam
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You seem like you guys love each other just are having problems with the sex. Yeah I bet it hurt you alot, but you can always try again. Maybe if fingering you will make you more used to the feeling. Not just one finger eithe, maybe more. You should tell him its not his fault or problems and he did nothing wrong. Its good that he says you dont need to have sex, because he probaly really does love you.
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If you actually do love him and want to stay with him. Then make sure he knows how much he means to you until you guy get good again. Like call him a few times more than you usually do. Say I love you everytime you see or talk to him. Just make sure he knows the only reason why you didn't have sex is cause it hurt and not cause you didn't love him. HOPE I HELPED!
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