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my fiance left me
I have been dating this man for almost 2 yrs. We met on the internet and he was just getting out of a bad divorce. We were dating for almost 3 months and he left me. He said its not me its him and he had some things to clear out of his head. I was broken hearted but I understood. 2 weeks later we got back together and 2 weeks later he left-still confused-i still understood. 3 months passed and i missed him so and we started talking again-we got back together. He sold his house and moved in with me and my 2 children. He has also has a son. Things were very good and in April he asked me to marry him-of course i accepted. Ii was planning the weeding for 2007 and he moved it up to 2006. I was ecstatic so i was planning our wedding. There were times when we argued and yes i take blame for some of them. The last argument we had was b/c of the internet and things i found him going on. Well he kept saying it wasnt him and he did not look that stuff up-cookies did it--whatever. Well things escalated from there and one day he said he cant do this any more its not me its him,he doesnt want to be engaged or get married or be with anyone and he left. I was never engaged before so of course i will be all excited. He was married for 10 yrs and yes its scary for him,but why did he leave? The week he left he got distant from me and i knew something was wrong but i didnt think he was going to leave for a 3rd time. He moved up to his parents like 10 minutes from my house. I still talk to him and off and on he comes over. I miss him so much and ask him to come home--but he says its not that easy it was hard to leave he cant just come back.I understand that kind of but if he loves me why is he not coming back? what does he need to think about? I miss him so much but he wont tell me he misses me unless i ask-or he wont tell me he loves me-sometimes he does when i say it other times he says "I know". I am so confused and i know i need to let him go and let him be but it is so hard. What do I do?He knows i want him to come home,he knows i love him,he klnows we can move as slow as we need to we dont need to rush,but yet he wont come back. What can I do? Please help.
thank you
27yr old female
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It sounds like he has issues and needs to deal with him. Being with you doesnt help him he needs to be away from you for awile and wen he has that time he will come back. I know you love him and you just want to be with him but he needs some space. Ad every guy looks up bad things even when they are married. They cant help it it is the way they are. If he wants soe times to think you should respect him enough to let him have some space. I know that you feel you should be together but what about his feelings. I know guys are sometimes tyrants but they have feelings too.
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Hi There. I'm sorry to hear about your angst. I'm currently going through a similar situation so I thought I'd share my two cents.
I'm dating an older man who was with his ex for 10 years, married for about 7. They have a daughter. I have no children. We met through mutual friends and started dating about a year after they split up. We have been living together for a little over a year now. Things have not been easy to say the least.
My beau and his ex are truly seperated, but still married on paper. This is a huge underlying issue in our relationship. I recently gave him the ultimatum that he has until the end of the year to file divorce papers with her or I am moving out and leaving him.
I truly believe him when he states he would never get back together with her (his ex is a raging alchoholic), and yet it seems my commitment and excitement about getting married and starting a new future and family seem greater than his. In order for us to work out, we are going to need to meet somewhere in the middle.
I think that for my guy it's intimidating and difficult to invest so much when you have worked so hard and taken such a big loss. I don't know what the situation was when your guy and his ex split, but my guy walked away with the clothes on his back. He lost 10 years, a house, two cars, and being with his child every day. That's HUGE. It was basically his entire life.
Maybe your guy is having some of the same anxieties. It is difficult for you and me to understand being that we have never been married before. Long term/Live in relationships are definitely significant but I think marriage takes that investment one step further when you commit to a partner for "life". Seeing that promise fail has to be a huge emotional loss for him.
First, I think he is going to need time to move past this divorce. It's impossible to just immediately put this huge situation behind him and jump into another marriage with you. He needs time to deal with his loss and gain his identity back.
The question is, should you sit idly by and wait for him to come around and be ready? It's basically going to come down to whether or not he is fulfilling your needs, despite his best intentions. "I love you" is not enough... if you want to get married and start a family to be happy and he is not going to provide this for you, you need to find someone who will.
I know it is difficult to do this, but I would suggest giving him space. He may come to the realization that he is being selfish and needs to let you go because he DOES care about you, and cannot make you happy at this time. Or, he may realize that he is in fact ready to commit to you and come back. What would be worst in my eyes is for him to keep you at arm's length the way he is, and yet still promise the future to you and tell you he loves you.
Try to put your immediate loneliness and affection for him aside and look at the bigger picture. In the end, him simply "being there" is not going to be enough. You've got to decide if this guy can step up to the responsibility of being your one and only for the rest of your life, or if he simply cannot meet your needs because you two are in different stages of your lives with priorities that do not coincide.
I wish you the best of luck.
Anne Nonimous
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A man will do to you whatever you allow him to. He knows it is easy for him to come and go whenver he pleases for you gave him the excuse to when you took him back all those times. I don't mean to be harsh (but I am the TRUE Advice Diva and I would rather tell you the truth than have you just be blind). He knows all of the things you told him-"we can take it slow", "I want him to come home", "I love him"..etc but yet you ask why he is not coming home to you?? The answer is that HE NEVER LOST OR LEFT YOU so he doesn't know how to be orwhat it would truely be like to be without you. I mean it this way, he can still have you on his own basis when he wants to WITHOUT having the heavy commitment he knows you want. He can tell you the excuses that seem logical to you based on his recent break-up and he knows you will accept them. I have been through this before myself and I wondered WHY!!!I am a great catch, I love this man,I give him everything and yet and still he leaves me, he hurts me and I am alone again. You have to stand up for yourself and above all, respect yourself. Maybe this is God's way(or your higher power) telling you that he is not the one. He has baggage that he has never"unpacked" from his last relationship. With you it was a "new climate" but he still had the same "baggage" he packed from his last relationship or "trip". TRUST ME..when you LEAST expect it, and you are NOT looking for it, your prince will come. I just celebrated my 1 year anniversary this past July and I went through the same things you are going through now. It will be okay, but YOU are the only one who can make it that way. Concentrate on the things that make YOU happy, thethings you want to accomplish in YOUR life aside from marriage. NO ONE CAN LOVE YOU BETTER THAN YOU CAN LOVE YOURSELF.
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I guess you could be called the dreaded rebound girlfriend. Very dangerous to give your heart to one just coming out of a long term relationship.
You were his comfort right after his divorce. He went from her to you without any adventure in between.
I know you want him back, and maybe he will come back at some point. For now though I think he probably needs to find out on his own what and who he wants. He should have done that before now, but better he do it now than wait until you are married.
I am truly sorry. I hope it all works out for you in the end. I wouldn't wait around forever though...life's to short. :)
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Dear my fiance left me,
WoW. First let me say, I know how you feel. I have read what everyone else has said and I agree. But the confusion has to be coming from somewhere. This is why I must tell you what happened to me once upon a time.
I was in love with a man. We met in the military and did everything together. This drove his friends crazy, because he pretty much stopped hanging out with them when we began dating. I never told him he could not go out with them, nor did I try and stop him from having friends. I would even go out with he and his friends just to get him to go do something with them. He just wanted to be with me all the time and his friends really didn't want a girl hanging out with them.
Anyway, a year into our relationship he began acting funky. He started hitting things and would get mad at the smallest things. He was distant and seemed confused about something. I could see something was bothering him, yet he would not open up to me. That was frustrating because we talked about everything. One day he says we need to stop seeing each other. The next day he says he still loves me but needs his space. A week later he comes running back, saying he loves me more than life, the next week he leaves me again. It was like this for months until I finally said enough. Either you want to be with me or you don't. He says I do love you but I am confused. I told him that was not good enough and kicked him to the curb. I cried for months, I loved him so damn much and had no clue why he kept up the yo-yo act.
Up to this point I had thought he was getting scared to be in a serious relationship. After few months of crying myself to sleep on his old pillow I finally got up the nerve to go on with my life.
Then the slap in the face came. I encountered a mutual friend that I had not seen in a while. (I was too busy hiding) We were having a great conversation until he said "You are much classier than that thing he hooked up with a few months ago. He should have never done that to you, I know if I had you, I would have never let you go."
I found out that one of the nights he went out with his friends, he had sex with someone and got her pregnant. I began recounting events and realized that he wanted to do the right thing by her, but was in love with me. I cried even harder and stayed in my room for another couple of months. Once in a while he would stop by, but I would not answer the door. One night he showed up drunk begging me to open the door, so I did. He wanted to hug me and said he wanted to be with me. He even said he had made a terrible mistake by letting me go. I told him that he had hurt me more than anyone alive and kicked him out.
I still love him to this day and all that happened over 10 years ago. I have since been married, have one son and been divorced. (My husband of 7 years pretty much did the same thing, only got his cousin pregnant) The man I am with now, I love deeply and believe I will grow old with him. That is also what I had thought about my first love and my ex-husband.
The point is that life goes on. You can love someone else who is worthy of your love. Love is something that you have endless amounts of and can be given to more than one person.
He is confused for a reason that he is not telling you because he is afraid to lose you completely. Don't let him play with you, make the decision for him. Stop telling him you miss him, stop asking him to come home and for lord sake start dating other men. Don't take his roller coaster bull any more. Be strong and move on. You will be much happier. Good Luck
Sincerely,
Honestymatters
PS Don't believe that cookies just got there by themselves crap. He has to physically click on a site for it to save itself in your cookies file. How old are the kids? Maybe he/she is visiting those sites. The bottom line is, the sites must come up in the address bar for them to be saved in cookies and in order for them to come up in the address bar someone has to put the address there.
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i think this guy keeps taking his chance but using them all in the wrong way. he know s what he can ahve but doenst know how to catch it and charish it. so instead he takes it for granted. you need to leave the man alone. as hard as it may seem you need to. if you dont it will hurt you mroe adn you will be wasting time, pain, love, and be streessed out. ir eally dont think a woman like you needs more stress in her hands that as much as you have now..if he did love you as much as you love him he would have came back with no questions asked. hope i helped you out.
*~Stephanie~*
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He is taking you for granted.
He'll keep on doing this until you put an end to the situation.
This guy is happy. He knows he has a woman waiting for him when he needs one, and he knows he can go back to his single status whenever he wants to.
He is manipulating you. He gives a little with a promise of giving you more. He keeps you hanging and waiting while he has fun.
Why shouldn't you let go of a guy like that?
If you can't let him go, confront him. Tell him you're tired of waiting for him to decide on what he wants. Tell you need an answer now, because you have a life to live and you don't want to wait for him all your life. The result might not please you but it will be easier for you to move on if he leaves you. If he says he loves you... make sure he's sincere.
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he is extremely confused right now..and I think you guys should stop seeing eachpother for a while. He needs time for himself to figure out his priorities and what he wants to do with himself. No doubt he loves you but soemthing happened and he needs his space right now. Let him have it. Tell him, "hunnie i think you need your space right now....so you go have it and just know i love you and i want you back...but i will do whatever makes you happy..because i love you. take your time and just know i'll still be here." Once he knows you're willing to give him his space..and he doesn't feel forced to come over and spend time with you..he'll be stress free and he'll be able to think! I really hope everything works out....good luck! ♥ caitie
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I know it's really difficult because you love this man, but you really should move on. His "confusion" has been going on for far too long and you deserve better. You shouldn't have to deal with this. Maybe he left because he really is confused, or maybe he left because he just doesn't want to live there anymore. Whatever the case, he obviously isn't stable enough or sure enough about the relationship to try to make it work and if you keep trying with him you will always end up in pain... so I suggest taking some time to get over him and heal and finding someone else.
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