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DAUGHTERS BOYFRIEND
my daughter(19) has a abusive boyfriend (16).
He is at this point only verbally abusive, but i fear it could turn physical . Tonight they went out with her brother (who is twice the boyfriends size) and her cousin and friends. My son came home very angry telling me how this boy was rude, mean , and hateful to his sister. My daughter begged her brother not to say or do anything. His comment(my sons) to me and my husband was "If the boy behaved this way in front or her 6' 5" 230 lb brother, how did he treat her when they were alone? " This is a great point and scarey thought. My husband is ready to step in . What should we do? I discussed this with her and she admitted he is verbally abusive. I am afraid it will turn into physical abuse. Remember she is 19. She is of age to do what she wants, but has never exercised (or even spoke) of that right. She has always been a good easy child. How can we get her away from this boy? Should we demand she not see him. I have a parental gut feeling he could hurt her. We are also friends of his parents . They are very nice people who would never think their son did any wrong.
My husband wants to talk to them and
end it. What should we do? HELP!!!!!
the relationship is 9 months old and I am positive they are not sexually active. If it turns into a sexual relationship, it could REALLY get bad, and since they are both virgins he will never want to let her go. We Must Act Now!
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You're absolutely right, you need to act immediately. First of all, talk again to your daughter, and tell her the dangers associated with a verbally abusive relationship. Even though this boy may say that he 'loves' her and is only protecting her, she needs to know that what he is doing is controlling and hurtful. Besides ruining her self-esteem if it goes on for too long, it can turn into physical abuse. Although the age difference between them may not seem to be an issue, he is still struggling with self-esteem and self-identity, and he is obviously very insecure. Tell her that you would prefer if she got out of the relationship, and that you will support her if she is afraid to break it off, but of course it is still her decision. Just let her know that you are scared for her and have her best interests at heart. When you talk to your daughter, you may or may not want to invite the boy's parents along. It could help them to hear it from your daughter first hand, but I have no idea what kind of people they are. You and your husband should definitely talk to them about their son, and hope and pray that they will listen and maybe offer him some guidance. I hope all goes well for you, and your daughter can get out of this situation.
Love,
Nevaeh
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well it seems like your daughter and son are pretty close if they go and hang out together.SO i would suggest having your son talk to her about it.at least from my point of view if i wuz your daughter i would rather have my brother talk to me about my personal life rather than my parents.
have him tell her that she can get soo much better than this guy.and she might be willling to give him up more easily than you think.if shes already admitted that hes verbaly abusive im sure she knows that he could become phisicaly.if her brother talking to her doesnt work then i would talk to his parents and they can talk to him and maybe get him to stop.but leave not letting her see/talk/hear from him as a LAST resort because this probably make your daughter VERY VERY mad at you.
hope i helped XoXo
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The sad fact is that your daughter is 19, and that makes her old enough to make her own choices, even the choice to get into an abusive relationship. I think demanding she not see him would either cause her to laugh at you or hate you for interfering.
But from the sounds of your question you have a great thing going for you, a relationship with your daughter with open and honest communication. So try another approach. Tell her how wonderful she is, how smart and wise, how in control she is, and how much it angers you too see anyone speak to her as if she wasn't. Focus on her strengths, not her boyfriends shortcommings.
In subtle ways you could persuade her to see less of him, by providing alternative activities, or helping her re-connect with friends who show her respect and love.
Lastly, connect her with people or books that discuss verbal or physical abuse. Helping her to recongize and label her boyfriends behavoir might strengthen her agianst it and stop her excuses for it.
As a teen girl who went through a few relationships my parents didn't approve of I can tell you the best thing my parents did for me was focus on me. How strong and intelligent I was, and not what a loser I was dating. That I came to realize on my own.
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You should deffinetly talk go your daughter about her abusive boyfriend. Tell her that she could find someone better than that who doesn't abuse her. Ask her why she wants to stay with someone who hurts her mentaly and maybe physically in the first place. And if her boyfriend is 16 and is that abusive already, think of how abusive he will be when he gets older. But don't demand her not to see him, that does not work trust me. She will just sneak out and do it behind your back and if she does that, and something happens where he hurts her she won't come to you about it because she will think that you'll get mad because she went and saw him in the first place. But if things get bad to where this 16 year old gets physical with your daughter, talk to his parents. They might not believe you but theres no harm in trying.
- Hope I helped.
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you sould definitly talk to the parents of this kid and setle something out about them not being in a relationship.
h.i.h!!
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Hi there firstly I really feel for you at what must be a really difficult time for you. You have described a controlling and angry man. Please do not feel guilty about protecting your daughter - if her botfriend does hurt her you will feel devestated and guilty for not having tried to stop the relationship. Talk to her and spend some quality time with her - tell her that you are concerned about her relationship. Maybe you could buy her a book about abusive relationships? Check your local library or bookshop. Have you ever seen the film Sleeping with the enemy with Julia Roberts? You could rent it and watch it together. Encourage her to talk to you and other relatives and friend, and always let her know that she is loved. Trust your intution about this boyfriend. Good Luck - I sincerly hope everything works out ok for you and your family.
Laurza
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I advise that you talk to your daughter about this and her worth. That she is worth a lot more than what this guy is giving her and that his view of her worth will not change. Some dogs you know just don't change their spots. She probably feels that he's the best she can do but tell her she can do a lot better and she can do a lot worse than him. It's all about life experiences, and there are plenty of relationship involved in life situations for her to experience. Plenty , especially now that she is of age. Tell her, perhaps suggest, to slow it down a bit. That her worth and what she deserves is far greater than his. He lacks respect for her which means to a degree that he lacks respect for himself and that is possibly dangerous for herself and him as well.
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You're right; verbal abuse often escalates into physical abuse. Even if it doesn't, years of verbal and emotional abuse can take a very real physical toll. Not to mention the permanent psychological harm that it can cause; once a person has been in an abusive relationship for long enough, they tend to seek out abusive partners from that point on. Some even become abusive themselves.
But as you know, the problem is that your daughter is nineteen. That means that legally she is an adult; she can do anything but drink alcohol in most states. At the same time, she's not *quite* finished growing up. So you have a difficult tightrope act: if you push too hard, she might pull away from you right into the arms of her abusive boyfriend. But you can't just sit back and watch her being hurt.
I'm not at all sure that talking to the boyfriend's parents will help. If they really can't believe that their son would be abusive, then all that would accomplish would be to create a rift between you. You might not care about that, but having SOME positive connection to them might help, down the road, if you fail to get your daughter to leave him.
It's also worth considering that abusive behavior is most often learned from parents. To them, their son's behavior may be totally normal. Just because you may not have seen signs of abuse in that family doesn't mean that no abuse is going on; abusers can be very good at hiding what they do.
There's also the possibility that if you talk to the boy's parents, they'll put him on his guard - assuming, of course, that he isn't already.
That said, I don't KNOW those parents, and you do. If you really think that they would be willing and able to stop the relationship, then talking to them would be worth trying. But be ready for that tactic to backfire.
This is an awful situation; it's hard to imagine a more frustrating or painful experience for a parent. There's no guaranteed solution.
The two possibilities that I would suggest are these: first, look up local information for shelters for battered and abused women. They should have people on staff who may be able to help you, or at least give you some experienced advice.
Second, consider a group intervention. Talk to everyone else who's involved, particularly every family member. Meet with your daughter, being as non-confrontational as possible - I can't stress that enough - and tell her that you are all concerned about the way her boyfriend treats her. Tell her that it hurts you to see her being treated that way, and that she deserves much better than that. Tell her that you love her, and that you will be there for her.
She knows all that, of course, but it might help to make sure that it's all very clear in her mind. The next time the boyfriend puts her down, there's a good chance she'd remember what you said.
If you're able to get some printed literature or a book about abusive relationships, you might give those to her as well. Here's a website for a book about emotionally abusive relationships; I've read the book, and it's quite helpful.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I'm sorry that this has happened to your family; it should never happen to anyone. I wish you the best of luck.
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ok...nine months and shes 19...i sincerely bout shes a virgin..beside the point.
ok have your husban go talk to his parents. Parents like his are a pain in the a** to deal with. Then have the 6'5" 230 brother talk to him. Finally You could talk to her about breaking up with him before he hurts her. Talk to him and see whats going on. Last and final resort is to ban her from seeing him(i wouldnt do it).
Isnt your daughter going to collage?? could she escape him there.
If she breaks it with him and he's not lisening tell her to get a new boyfriend fast. THat shatters hopes.
Oh try telling or forceing on your daughter that she should have better. maybe that will work.
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I would certainly step in. Your kids never get to old when it comes to protecting them. She may get upset about it but she will get over it. I'd let your husband do whatever he thinks is right. Keep a cool head but let the guy know you are keeping watch. I found this site. It has some things to watch for. Don't know how much good it will do but, here it is. :)
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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