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I think that my daughter (14) has been using drugs. She hasn't had it easy and I haven't really helped that. A few of my old boyfriends hurt her and violated her. I've stopped dating because of it she doesn't deserve that and I don't want that to ever happen to her again. Recently I've been noticing that she's been coming home after 10 (her curfue is 9) and she acts differently. I've tried talking to her and she says that she isn't doing anything and that she just loses track of time. I don't know what to do. I'm not a great mother but I'm trying as hard as I can. Does anyone know how I could talk to her about this or how I can help her if she really needs it?
I will a rate high to anyone who at least tries thank you ahead of time.
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FIrst of all, id like to say , the person that responded right before me is SSTUPID, and I dont really like their response at all. Im 16. And I most definently can remember being 14 and my mom thinking exactly how you are. Lets just say, my mom does STUPID things, like GO through MY DIARY. Bad idea. That will make ur daughter be sooo mad at you. Like whoa. If you suspect shes doing drugs, do NOT go to her friends house and such and spy on her. thats so stalkerish and weird. Who says that. Anyways, to try and help you out, when she comes home (at 10) (which isnt THATT late)... smell her... make her talk to u.. if shes on drugs, I think youll know.
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Well, you've asked her if anything was up, and she said no. So, its time to search for evidence. You need to get her journals and check them for any evidence. You now have the right to invade her privacy for her safety. If you don't find anything at all, you need to ground her when she comes home after 9. Warn her and stick to your word. You have to stand up and make sure she gets home by curfew, and if you do this, you will be a great mother to her. And if you still suspect something, get a girlfriend and drive where she is where she can't see you an spy on her. No matter how wrong it feels, you need to know, and you have the right when you suspect danger in her life. Try having her group of friends come over and see what they are like. Also, you could try talking to her, and ask her if something is wrong or if she needs help with something. Try asking her whats wrong. From everything you have listed thats happened, she could be going to drugs. She could be a sad girl. Another thing I'd recommend is taking her out more. Buy her some things, get to know her more. But first, you need to know if shes using drugs. I know that you can be a good mother to her, you just have to find out what you need to know. Get in her life and find out whats going on.
-TheTeenGirl
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While I do think the previous advice about talking to her is good, I would like to add that if that doesn't work, try to arrange for there to be someone for her to talk to. There were topics I couldn't discuss with my mother, so I talked to my friends mothers about them. Does she have any grandmothers, aunts, or adult women from clubs or church that she is comfortable talking to? If so, make a point of visiting them, and then giving them some privacy.
Someone, any experienced adult (preferably of the same gender) she will listen to and can trust, needs to have a continuing dialog with her. Not only about the big things, like drugs and sex, but about the "little" things, like what to wear to the movies, and how to deal with someone gossiping about her, and what she can do when that history assignment seems impossible. If past experiences have made it so you can't be that person, then the next best thing you can do is try to make sure she has access to a mentor who can be.
If possible (assuming it hasn't already been done) a professional councilor to help her deal with the past abuse will go a long way. Also, a councilor can help you both with your relationship with each other.
Another little thing, try to eat a meal together, every day. One that's not rushed. Dinner is traditionally the one people use, but for some people, making sure there is a full 20 min for breakfast and eating it together is easier than setting aside a 1/2 hour for dinner. That little bit of stability, an opportunity to start with small talk and then work in a comment here or there on the important stuff, and the idea that she knows that she has a guaranteed time to mention stuff to you, every single day, can be a huge help when building parent/child relationships.
Good Luck, to both of you.
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Ask some of her friends, she probably tells them lots of things she cant tell you.
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Hmmm, If you know any of her friends, ask them they could help you!! or if worst comes to worst, get her tested for drugs. I really hope i helped you!!
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Slap her across the face until she comes clean!
Okay, so. That wont really work that'll have CPS at your door.
If she comes home smelling weird, then you'll know there has been some drug usage.
Or, if shes late. Say you smell of drugs--even if she doesnt-- she might freak out and come clean then.
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I think the best thing for you to do is not to get angry as the angrier you get the more she will rebel against you. Perhaps make some time for you and her to go shopping, cook her favourite meal or go to the cinema together. Have you tried talking to her? She is probably going through the rebellious teenager phase so she probably won't want to talk. Does she know that you have stopped seeing guys just for her? If it helps perhaps try writing her a letter saying how much she means to you and that you are so sorry for what she has had to put up with. Let her know that you realise it might take a while for her to forgive you but that you are here for her and always will be as she is more important than any boyfriend you will ever have. Perhaps put in a token like a bracelet or a necklace. i hope i have helped a little
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Hi honey, I am a mother too, and I worry about the things you mentioned also. This is how I acted with my mother. I don't have these problems with my sons, thank God, but I thought sure that I would, since I know how I behaved when I was young. I don't know if you have owned up to what you did, but that will go a long long long way, to healing the relationship between you and your daughter. You admit to us here on this website, your responsibility in your daughter being violated, but have you admitted it to her. It is important that you tell her, that you were wrong, and that you are at fault, that she did nothing wrong, and that you will never let that happen again. Even though this is the way you are ACTING, it needs to be said, to be put on the table. You need to admit to your daughter that you made a mistake and then apologize. Then be a parent. A real tough one. YOu have it in you to do it, becaused you have faced these very hard issues. I know you have guilt, and there is no way around it, but this is not about your guilt this is about saving your daughter and not letting her go down that same road that you did. You know how emotionally painful it was for you. Don't you want to protect her from that. It sound to me like she already has to much freedom for a 14 year old girl. And I don't care what her other friends are doing. YOu are only concerned with saving her, not the whole neighborhood. ONce you have apologized to her and owned up to your responsibility in her being harmed, and in bringing danger into the house, then you can look her straight in the eye, and say, AND HONEY, YOU ARE NOT GOING DONW THAT ROAD! WHILE I HAVE AIR IN MY LUNGS! I guarantee, 1000% that when she is grown up, she will thank you. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. It is better to spend a few months not letting her get away with anything, then to spend years mourning her. Or watching her hurt herself over and over again. You sent her the wrong messages before with your actions, it is time to send her the correct messages, now that you know better.
You are doing the right thing. It is worth it, Keep it up. I read a lot of books on subjects like toxic parents, and raising self reliant childrent, and books like that help me. Because my mom was not a good role model and I did not want to be like her, but I did not automatically know how NOT to be like her. I had to learn.
Please don't give up, and she may throw your past in your face to get her way, don't fall for it. Just say that was then, this is now, and now I am paying the bills here, etc,etc, etc, and you will follow my rules.
I hope this helps. If you have any more questions, please feel free to leave a question in my in box, or send an email to
michele@personaladvicecolumn.com
Good luck to you. Be strong
Michele
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There really isn't too much in your question which would point to drugs necessarily. She could be telling you the whole truth and harping on her or accusing her of using drugs may only push her away from you. That doesn't mean that you simply allow her to break her curfew however, because that doesn't send the right message. You can talk to her and tell her that if she wants to reasonably discuss her curfew officially being lengthened to 10pm, then maybe you'll be willing to compromise. Let her know that if she is only willing to tell you where she will be and that you're ensured she's alright, that maybe you will let her have a little more freedom, because trust is important. I believe the key to staying informed in your daughter's life is not through accusations or assumptions about what she is doing, but a mutual feeling that if she needs to, she doesn't need to be afraid to come and talk to you. Make it clear to your daughter that despite the troubles in the past, she needs to sit down and talk to you, with yourself in a position as someone who understands and listens, without the looming idea that she is going to be punished if she tells you, for example, that she has done drugs. I think it would be better if she were able to talk to you calmly about the situation, so you can offer advice. In order to go about discussing this with her, you need her to come to you about the situation, I believe. I think you should approach your daughter, and let her know that 'should' she need someone to talk to, you will of course always be there, and she need not be afraid to simply have a discussion with you about life in general, then possibly leave her with this thought. The last thing you want is for it to seem as though you are prying into your daughter's life, because that will only push your relationship further apart. Remember, don't ever assume, let her come to you with her problems and make it clear to her that you will always try your best to understand her situation so that you can help her, because she is the most important part of your life.
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i think she's probably just hanging out with her friends and losing track of time, like she said, i know that i do that sometimes. if it's a habitual thing, i'd be a little more worried. i'd like to point out that a lot of the times, parties, school dances, movies, etc, don't end until later and that sometimes it is hard to get home at nine.
as for getting her to talk to you, one of the things that my mom does is pick a really complicated recipe, that takes a good chunk of time, and we make it together. it gives us a lot of time around each other and she manages to get whatever info it is that she wants out of me.
there are ways to get her tested for drugs, but i would use that as a last result, it's a major invasion of privacy and there's a good chance she wouldn't be happy about it.
and about your boyfriends that hurt her, i'd try making an appointment for her with a psychologist, that sort of stuff hits hard, and it would be an impetus for more rebelious behavior.
just keep the lines of communication open somehow, in any ways possible.
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Thank goodness you care about your daughter. It is kind of scarey some of the questions we see from girls whose mom stays with these abusers.
Hopefully she is just acting diffrently because she is a teenager! You can't be to careful these days though. You do need to talk to her. Just sit her down and do it. Talk to her as you would any other adult. If you have to write it all down beforehand so you have something to work from. She will interrupt and get you off the suject at times, this will keep you on track.
You need to cover drugs, boys, birthcontrol, who her friends are, where she's spending so much time, school etc.
Then you need to lay down some rules...and you need to stick to them. Do not let her run over you. You may not believe yourself to be the best mother (not that I believe that) BUT, you are all she has. If she's an hour late coming home...take the hour off tomorrows curfew time. If she ignores it after a couple of days...straight home after school. Meet the friends she hangs out with. Insist on it if she wants to continue seeing them. If you don't like them (and give them a fair chance) forbid her seeing them. Get tough, be strong...she will fight you about it.
Has she had therapy? If not you may want to consider it. Whatever you do... do not let guilt over what happened make you to easy on her. Therapy may do you some good too. It has to have been hard on you as well.
If you think she is really into drugs, take her to a doctor and have her tested. I think you can even get home tests to periodically check her. It is drastic yes but you do what you have to.
Good luck :)
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How is your relationship with her? I know you said you're not a great mother but you're trying- and the fact that you're trying is important. You've probably heard it said before, that the key to a good relationship is communication, but the thing is that it's so true. Talk to your daughter, and really listen to her, spend time with her, show interest in her life, that sort of thing. It's important to earn her trust, if you expect her to be cooperative in your efforts to help her.
Now, you said she's got a curfew, but do you know where she goes? Now, most teens hate and resent it, but like the anti-drug commercials say, it's important for parents to always know the who, where, and what of their kid's whereabouts. I'm not saying to keep your daughter under lock and key, but make sure you know where she is, who she's with, and when she'll be home. As long as she's not lying to you, this can and does work.
The other thing I think you need to do is sit down and have a real heart-to-heart talk with your daughter about drugs. Make sure all the facts are out on the table, along with your expectations and rules. Ask her what she knows, what her opinion is on the issue, and really listen and value what she says. Hopefully she'll be truthful with you, but regardless, having the communication is important.
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I have seen a lot of cases like these. I may be only 14 but I read like hell. You shouldn't try to be a good mother. You should BE one. Not dating is just the first step to being a good one. I think she feels distants from you because of all your bf's anyway if she is doing drugs you would definitley tell. But try to tske her out more, like go shopping , watch movies. After a while explain to her how much you love her and want to protect her and would never in her entire life let anything hurt her. Make her feel secure around you not the drugs or her friends. Make sure that if she does tell you something like she's doing drugs not to yell at her or punish her cuz it'll only make it worse. Don't push it either. Follow that person's advice if her eyes are blodshot and so on try to get therapy for her and yourself. I hope this works. E-mail me and tell me how it goes ok
eiriyukipicese@yahoo.com
FOREVER,
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look at her eyes, if their bloodshot, or glazy then she chances are she probably got high. if she smells of smoke or alcohol then she probably did either one. see if she can walk straight, if she cant she might b drunk. just talk to her and tell her she wont get introuble this time if she tells the honest truth. you have to have good communication between your daughter and you. good luck, and hope everything works out!
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