Q: 19/F
Ok this seems long and soap-opera-ish but please bear with me. I’ve gotten rid of some of the details to make it shorter but please tell me if it isn’t clear enough. And please don't rant at me about being a cheating b**** or anything. I know I am a bad bad person. I just need you to tell me what to do.
Nate has always been the typical "rich bad boy" type. He gets a pack mentality when he is with his boys so he’s labeled an official ***hole. He's had a pretty bad past and when you get him alone, he’s different. He and I go a few years back when I wasn't into the party scene, and it got around that he "wanted" me. I shot that down and he gave up. I've been intrigued by him (i.e. had a crush on him) and we always used to exchange looks all the time at school and parties and I could feel the sizzles (but wasn’t sure it was mutual). Only last year did we start talking a bit inside and outside school. Then I finished school and didn’t see him.
In May, I met Blake. He’s ridiculously good-looking, the sweetest guy ever, and a cook. I didn’t think he was into me so I backed off then recently, Blake started showing interest in me and I was thrilled. We were perfect for each other, our life goals and views were the same, we had minor arguments sometimes, which ended with practically no resentment on either end, and we always made up quickly. It was the perfect relationship. I was still a virgin but he understood because he had only been with one chick (his year-long girlfriend in grade 11).
End of last year, Nate and I ended up at a party together. I was hammered out of my mind and we had sex in a bedroom. It was harsh to the point that he did it, shoved me away and left. I was broken after. Eventually, I told Blake and he was mostly sad for me and he did whatever he could to make me feel better. Including sex and it was just like the rest of our relationship, comfortable.
Then one day, Nate showed up at my house after I saw him at the mall and went home all shaken up. We had sex. We have had sex about five times now altogether. Usually it’s when I’m vunerable. It’s pretty much casual sex but it is explosive as in really really hot, stuff I thought didn’t exist outside novels. Blake and I haven’t even come close, even though there is some sizzle, it isn’t comparable. Told Blake once and he was mad but he came back and told me he’d still have me and he didn’t understand. Usually Nate just has sex with me and sticks around for a while and leaves but one time, he actually stayed after and kissed my face and stuff.
This is what confuses me. Blake and I are perfect for each other and it’s not a completely devoid of sexual drive either but when I’m with Nate, it feels right like it’s exactly where I belong.
I’m just so afraid of hurting Blake. I want to stay with him but at the same time, I feel like puking when I think about what a disgusting unfaithful slut I’m being. And I’m pretty sure Nate doesn’t want a relationship. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to look back twenty years from now and regret it. I know that bad boy’s can’t be tamed but I know his history and I kind of still ache for Nate but Blake is just perfect.
Help?
