ask05natalie05
advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: So I'm a 21 year-old male and still have never had sex. I know it may not seem like a big deal, but the thing is I just started school at a university that is known as a "party school" where there is a lot of casual sex going around and many hot girls. I just kinda feel pressured to get into the whole party scene and the casual sex thing, but I'm really kind of an introvert. I am not bad looking or anything (average weight/average heigh), but I can't say that I'm the smoothest guy out there. I live away from campus and dont really get the chance to be around people that much. I just feel like everyone else is just having sex with random people but I feel like i need to do it with someone whom I'm in love with. (it sounds kinda lame) but i dont know, there are different parts of me that doesnt know what to think. Is this something I should be worried about? I just feel pressured and kinda like a loser for not having done it yet, especially when I am in college. Any advice would be helpful.
Hi,
I have read the other answers given and they sound great, so I won\'t go into detail on the things that have already been said. Except that you decide what you want in life, no one else.

You\'re not a loser for wanting your first time to be with someone you love. It might feel like you\'re the only one like this, but there are plenty of people our age who think the same. It is just hard to see right now because you\'re surrounded by people who would rather have meaningless, love-less casual sex.

I am a 20-year-old female virgin, and I am never ashamed of it. People are shocked to hear I have never had sex because I am not religious, and not ugly. Whenever they ask why I am a virgin, I just say I have never met anyone I loved enough. I have never had a serious boyfriend for the same reason. I had a 1-month boyfriend in high school but all we did was kiss, he dumped me after I told him I don\'t want to have sex with him (LOL!). But imagine if I had had sex with him, during a time when all my friends were losing their virginity in high school. I would have regretted it to this day! Don\'t forget, guys can feel the same way, it is not just a girl thing.

Don\'t mistrust your decisions because of what other people are doing. You won\'t regret NOT catching a sexually transmitted infection, or accidentally getting a girl pregnant, believe me ;)

Q: I am 12 yr old girl and want to no wen I should be allowed to do things. First I'm responsible , get good grades, and reasonable. I
Makeup: I have acne so I want to conceal and start putting some on in a yr or two. My mom thinks 15/16
Babysitting / tutu ring: I wanna do it now to prove I'm responsible but my mom thinks 13
Dating: I think dances should be ok in high school and to start real dates jr yr with approval of the boy . Mom thinks 17.
Alone: I want to go shopping and movies with a friend or by myself. With friends I think now and I'll call my mom every hour. Alone I think high school. Mom thinks 15
Shaving legs : I think now . Don't wanna ask mim.
Am I being unreasonable? Is she? What is a good middle ground for a good girl like me? Can u help me convince to that middle ground? Thx
Hi,
I will give advice to your questions in the same order you asked them. Sorry if this is too long.

Makeup: You say in a year or two, which would make you 13/14, and mom says 15/16. Those two are very close together, so it might happen that mom lets you when you are 14. Make up can make acne worse, which it did for me, I wouldn\'t suggest putting it on your acne anyway. Try washing your face with face wash/pimple wash. Anything you can buy at a shop could help; you don\'t need a fancy TV-only $100 cream to help.

Babysitting/tutoring: Babysitting is a big responsibility for anyone, especially a 12, 13 or 14 year old. However, mom has said 13, which is only a year away! Hang in there, it will come sooner than expected :)
It is great that you want to show you\'re responsible, but one of the most responsible things you can do is listen to your mom.

Dating: I am from Australia and not the USA, so I don\'t understand everything about high school dances. But if you\'re not in high school yet, you still have a few years before you need to start worrying about the dances.
Boys can be trouble, as you have probably heard about and seen on TV, they can cause a lot of tears and heartbreak! You\'re mom mistrusts the boys, not you. She is worried about a boy hurting you, not worried about you being irresponsible. Try see it from this point of view, and you\'ll understand your mom\'s reasons.

Alone: You sound like a reasonable and responsible girl, but even bad things can happen to responsible girls. There are bad people in the world, and I am sure your mom is just worried about something happening to you while you are at the mall. 12 is a young age to go shopping with just your friends. I didn\'t start until I was 14, and that was with a big group of friends, straight from school together, and then I stayed with friends until my mom picked me up. And the Mall I went to was filled with other school kids because it was a popular place. But even at that popular mall there were weird men every now and then. One followed my sister around and she had to get a security guard when she was 16!

Shaving legs: Shaving is different for every girl. Some girls who are something like Indian or Italian may start earlier because they naturally have thick, dark hairs on their body. I have light hair and didn\'t start shaving my legs until I was 14, but I knew girls who started at 13 and 12. Every culture is different though, and maybe it is normal in Australia to shave at 13, but not in the US.
You sound embarrassed to ask your mom, but she was the same as you at your age. All girls go through the confusing stage of \"To shave, or not to shave?\". Shaving can make the hairs come back more noticeable, so once you start you can\'t stop (unless of course you decide to stop, which is perfectly OK). She has been through what you\'re going through, with all these problems and questions. Ask her when she started shaving her legs, and ask for her advice on when you should start too. Your mom is a great source of advice, some things you can\'t rely on the internet for.
If you feel like your legs hairs are getting noticeably long and dark, and you want to shave, tell your mum. She can buy you the stuff you need and can help you if you\'re confused. A lot of girls try to hide it and accidentally cut their skin. If it is a small cut, it doesn\'t hurt too much but you will be able to see red dots on your skin. It is also possible to give yourself a big cut if you slip or shave the wrong way, so ask your mum for help :)

Good luck, you sound like a smart girl so I know these issues will sort themselves out throughout the years.

Q: Is it possible & worth cleaning the slate & restarting a 15yr relationship when he has cheated & lied about it to your face for 6yrs that you know of! And you ALWAYS believed him when you ask him questions,and he also tries to avoid or stay on the question. Basically BROKE my trust & faith in him! And other issues in relationship but KNOWS he cares & have tried to breakup before but ALWAYS drawn back! THERE IS A COSMIC LIKE CONNECTION BETWEEN US lim 35 he is 37
Hi,
This must be very difficult for you, as you feel like you two are connected.
I will be honest, if I were in your situation, I would not go back to him. He cheated for 6 years! That shows me that he is comfortable with and capable of lying, cheating, and hurting you for 6 years straight!
You say you know he cares, but to me it sounds like he doesn\'t care about hurting you.

On the other hand, you have to make the decision, not me. So you have to ask yourself; am I OK with being cheated on and lied to again? There is a possibility of it happening again, so think about it seriously before giving him another chance. If you\'re not OK with it, and you think it is not worth it, don\'t let him come back to you. Maybe you\'re more than he deserves.

Good luck

Q: I just recently lost my virginity on July 1. I haven't had my period yet, which would make it about 2 weeks late. Some time in late June before I first had sex, my boyfriend and I were messing around. We "dry humped" naked, and I don't think he had any precum at that time. But before that, he had precum but then I gave him a blow job. Then on the night that we had sex, we "dry humped" naked again and I was feeling around to make sure if there was precum or not, and there was, so I made sure it didn't like drip down or anything. Then after that we had sex, but of course we used a condom. He didn't ejaculate while still inside of me, and I checked to make sure the condom didn't break by pouring water into it. And before we started having sex, I stood up to grab the condom and the tip of his penis touched my vagina for a brief second, but I'm not sure if it had precum on it or not.

The main things I am wondering and are worried about are:
- Is it possible to get pregnant if someone gets precum/semen on their hand/fingers and proceeds to finger you?
- Does sperm die when it makes contact with the air?
- Can sperm swim up into the vagina if it touches the outside/opening of the vagina?
- What are the chances of me being pregnant?

Here are some facts about me:
- I'm 18, 5'4", underweight (I weigh about 100 lbs).
- I've only had intercourse once.
- My period is really irregular. They can last for 1-2 weeks. My cycles can range from 15-50 days. I've also had 2 periods in 1 month before.
- My last period arrived on June 1 and ended on June 8.
- I normally don't experience any PMS symptoms, such as cramps.
- My diet has probably not been the best. I don't think I eat enough, and I bet I don't get the proper amount of nutrition and stuff that I need.
- I've been going to the bathroom more, and I know that could be a sign of pregnancy. Though, I've heard that pregnancy symptoms usually don't show up until you're about 6 weeks along. But for my last couple or few periods, I've experienced more urination.
- I think I remember seeing pinkish discharge when I wiped once, and I thought that could be my period. It was a small amount, but I've read that it could be implantation bleeding.
- I am generally a very paranoid person (haha), so I could just be worrying too much and overthinking every small detail.

I know there's probably a chance of being being pregnant, but how high do you think this chance is? This is all making me paranoid and stressing me out. It's probably not helping that I keep googling everything and am reading all these stories either! I just keep thinking of all these scenarios in my head. I know stress, being underweight, and other factors can contribute to a late period. I've also heard that losing your virginity can delay your period but I'm not sure if that's true. My boyfriend said that his ex was 2 weeks late with her period just because she lost her virginity. I've been thinking about taking a pregnancy test to ease my mind, but I'm really scared and nervous! From reading all these stories, I'm just really paranoid about getting a false negative, mistaking spotting/implantation bleeding for my period, being well into a pregnancy but not being aware of it whatsoever, being one of those women who still get their period but are unaware they're pregnant, not having any early pregnancy symptoms, mistaking pregnancy signs as PMS symptoms.... This all is just really stressing me out. It would be nice if someone could inform me on all of this! (And in the future, I will NOT be "dry humping" naked, just to be on the safe side since this is just too much stress for me!)
Firstly, I don't think you are pregnant, because you said earlier that you have irregular periods, and you are stressing out, which can delay periods. Also, we aren't even sure that there was any pre-cum, and we aren't even sure, if there was any, that the sperm managed to enter your vagina and successfully make you pregnant. So, in my not-so-professional opinion, you are not pregnant.
I also think that you really need to see a doctor with these questions. People on the internet can give you advice on what they think is right (their opinion), and they can Google information to answer all your questions, but most (if not all) info from the internet is unreliable. Your most reliable source is your doctor, or your gynaecologist. I have heard that it is a good idea to start seeing a gynaecologist once you have sex, every year or so, just to check your lady bits are going well. But they can also help you see if you are pregnant right now, and answer all these questions you have (as well as giving you some peace of mind).
Right now you are worrying about things that aren't happening (what if I'm pregnant but I just think it is PMS symptoms? What if I get my period but I actually am pregnant? What if I get a false negative on the test?) You will drive yourself crazy with all these 'What if?'s. You seem like a really smart girl, and you've taken precautions to avoid getting pregnant, and this is a really good thing, but you won't solve anything by freaking yourself out.
So, go see a doctor :)

Also, I am going to try answer your questions (which your doctor could accurately answer for you):

- Is it possible to get pregnant if someone gets precum/semen on their hand/fingers and proceeds to finger you?
I think this is possible, but that is just going by what I have heard from others and read on the unreliable internet.

- Does sperm die when it makes contact with the air?
This website says that sperm dies when the semen dries on a surface (like a blanket) (http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/sperm-and-semen-faq) And can last around 5 days in a human's body.

- Can sperm swim up into the vagina if it touches the outside/opening of the vagina?
Sperm can only swim inside your vagina. If it is on your skin outside your vagina, it will NOT be able to physically move itself into your vagina. (This is coming from my own knowledge, your doctor would be able to give you a correct answer)

- What are the chances of me being pregnant?
I personally think the chances of you being pregnant are very slim. Ask your doctor, or do an at-home pregnancy test (these are not always reliable, so I would see a doctor instead if I was in your shoes). If you use an at-home pregnancy test, you should always confirm with your doctor anyway. Also places like Family Planning Clinics can perform a pregnancy test for you, if you don't want to see your doctor. Don't worry yourself, they are just urine or blood tests.

Good luck, and relax a bit :)

Q: I used to smoked weed for like half a year yet i do not think it was that much. I have depersonaliosation/derealization, i also at times get anxiety attacks and depression led to it as well. My sleeping schedule is off, i think i'm going crazy. My mother and my sister were in the kitchen while i was in the bathroom and i thought i heard my sis crying loud and i went to them and tapped her and she looked at me...she was fine and i was like "whaaa" ...anyhow, i sometimes understand things in a different way. I also feel useless to this world (have no job) im 17....i also think i see one thing but is not...they aren't serious at all i think. I feel like i often push people away, like a mean side comes out of me but i mean no harm :/ or am i meant to be an asshole?
I definitely think the lack of sleep is having the biggest impact on you. Lack of sleep can lead to experiences of depersonalisation, depression, mood swings, feeling 'out of it', and hallucinations. But sleep deprivation can only cause things like depersonalisation and hallucinations if it is serious and over a long period of time, so how much sleep have you been losing? When you say your sleep schedule is off, do you mean you barely get any sleep, or you have trouble falling asleep on time, and then you wake up late in the day? How many hours are you getting, and how long has it been going on for?
If you haven't been getting enough sleep for a long time, then sleep deprivation might be the biggest cause of your issues. Otherwise, it could be the drugs or another issue (which I'll go through).

You haven't said how long ago you stopped smoking weed, and how much you smoked. If you were addicted (I don't know, you have to be honest with yourself), you could possibly be having withdrawal symptoms (which includes mood swings, sleep disturbances, headaches, cravings, and other stuff). This is probably not likely, as you said you only did it for 6 months and you didn't do a lot, and you haven't had the other withdrawal symptoms. I don't know a lot about the effects of marijuana, because I have never done drugs, so all the info I have on it is from the internet (I got the withdrawal symptoms from this website:

http://alcoholism.about.com/od/pot/a/Marijuana-Withdrawal-Symptoms.htm

Which might be not so reliable)

You said you have anxiety attacks and experience depression. Both of these things can cause sleep disturbances and mood swings. Some people with depression are snappy and withdraw from people, which could explain why you 'push people away' and have a 'mean side'. But those two things could be from a lack of sleep also. So, like you can see, all these things can add up to make you have the emotional problems you are having, including feeling useless. I just want to say, you shouldn't feel useless for not having a job at 17, you will get one eventually if you keep trying :)
You should already be proud of yourself for quitting weed, because that can cause problems like the ones you are having now. I think the next step should definitely be to see a doctor, and explain everything to him/her. Your problems could be due to sleep deprivation, depression, anxiety, or something related to drugs, or it could be a different mental issue, and you should definitely see a doctor so you can begin feeling better. We can't diagnose you or figure out your problems on this website, you need to see a medical professional who can actually help you, not just give you advice. Good luck :)

Q: I had a pool party but I'm on my period so my sis taught me how to use a tampon and I got home 30 mins ago and I wanted to take a shower but I wanted to take the tampon out but I can't get it out bc it hurts so much and I've been in the bathroom sitting on the toilet for about 30 mins trying to get it out without it hurting. please help me!
Like dragonflymagic said, it is harder to pull a tampon out when it is not wet enough, so maybe leave it in a bit longer so it can absorb more liquid, or try what dragonflymagic said. You might have a light flow, so even though you've had it in for a few hours, it could still be quite dry. It is recommended that you never leave a tampon in for more than 8 hours. So maybe leave it for another hour to make it easier to remove. But to be safe, if you have had it in for around 5 or 6 hours, don't try this.
Also, if you are worried, stressed, nervous, or anything like that, your vaginal muscles tense up which can make it extremely hard to pull your tampon out (I have this problem sometimes, even when I don't feel nervous about anything, I have to try relax my muscles). Try relaxing, and stop thinking worst case scenario (you aren't going to die, stop freaking yourself out). Take deep breaths and calm yourself. After breathing and relaxing for a few minutes, pull the tampon out while you are exhaling (breathing out), which can make it easier (I do this).
A tampon is thicker when you remove it than when it was inserted, because it has absorbed liquid. It can be much thicker, so it might feel like you're pulling out something bigger than you expected, or like it is 'stuck', but it just needs a bit more pull than you expected.
Finally, it is important that you're pulling at the right angle. DON'T pull it upwards (towards the front of your vagina), outwards (like, straight in front of you), or side ways. So, by that I mean pull it straight down, the way you inserted it. Think straight down into the toilet bowl, that should help.

Q: Me(25 f) and my fiance(27 m) tried soft swinging with the rule no sex with someone else in the end my fiance thought me and the other guy was having sex so he and the girl started having sex and when I saw them having sex I told the guy we can also, after like 2 min I stopped the guy and walked away, me and my fiance had a big fight but we sorted it out after 7 months we both said we were wondering how the evening would turn out if we didn't end it like that, so we agreed to try it again but with my rules but then my fiance talked about it a step further that what we originally talked about then I got angry because I feel why do he want more with another girl I only enjoy the rush of the story the feeling but he actually wants to soft play with another women and it makes me feel that why must I be alive because my guy want to be with another girl again,


We've been engaged for 7 years and have 2 boys
Hi,
It is hard for me to answer this question, because I have never been in a serious relationship. But I will give you the best advice I can.
I think you need to set boundaries and be truthful with your fiance, and ask him to be truthful with you. He has to know how it makes you feel when he wants to have sex with another woman. You see it as hurtful and cheating, but he sees it has acceptable during swinging.
Remember that your partner cheating on you or wanting to cheat on you is NEVER your fault. Don't blame yourself, it was his actions, and his mistake, not yours. You shouldn't feel like you have nothing to live for if he wants to sleep with other women, because you have your sons to live for, and it is your fiance who should feel bad, not you.
Are you getting different things out of swinging? Why do you do it, and why does he do it? You should discuss this with him. Ask him: why does he want to have sex with other women? Why does he want to go swinging? If it is because he doesn't love you any more, or doesn't want to be with you any more, I am sorry but he needs to go. You shouldn't waste your time with a man who doesn't love you and wants to be with other women, he will just hurt you.
When you set boundaries, you have to be clear - no sex with other women. But it also means you cannot have sex with other men. If you are going to expect one thing from your fiance, you have to do the same. You said that after you found out he was having sex, you started having sex with the other man. This gives him the idea that it is actually ok to have sex with other women. You need to set your boundaries stronger than that. If you found out he was having sex, you need to confront him, rather than try to get back at him by having sex with another man. That won't sort out anything.
If swinging is becoming too much of a problem, you need to stop. If you are worried he will have sex during swinging, you need to tell him this, and also tell him swinging needs to stop if he can't respect your 'no sex with other women' rule. This should already be a rule that he accepts anyway! If you are going to get married, he shouldn't be having sex with others, or wanting to have sex with others.
If your partner cannot respect your boundaries and be faithful to you, you might need to break up. Tell him, is it worth losing you? Is it worth having your sons see their parents fighting, seeing them break up? It would be very painful for the children. You need to stand up for you and your children. This also means thinking about the children with any choices you make. Is it ok to go swinging when you have kids? Is it ok to go swinging when you get married? Should you make your relationship more stable and mature after 7 years and two children, by stopping swinging? Also, if your partner won't agree to your boundaries, should you break up with him? Should you go to couples counselling?
I am worried that your partner is not very committed to you if he wants to cheat on you. It might be a good idea to consider couples counselling if your partner won't agree to your boundaries and if he won't be honest with you. Otherwise, your relationship could end. If he can't commit only to you while you are engaged, he won't be able to when you are married, and you might have to break up before you get married and would have to go through a divorce if he cheated on you.

Take a look at this web page on Dr. Phil's web site:

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/127

If you scroll down you will see 'If You Are Being Cheated On:'
It has some advice that might be useful for you, if your partner cheats on you and doesn't respect your boundaries and respect you.

In the end, I think these are the important things:
- Honesty: Tell each other how you feel, be honest if you cheat on each other. Try to understand how each other feel.
- Commitment: You need to agree on your level of commitment - Fully committed with no swinging, or swinging but not sex with others, or sex with others and swinging (open relationship). Will swinging continue when you are married?
- Respect: Respect boundaries, respect emotions, and respect your relationship - if you have a serious relationship you need to start respecting that, which means no messing around with other people. If it is too hard to stay faithful to each other because of swinging, then swinging might need to stop.

Good luck and message me if you need more help :)

Q: For the past five years or so, I've had an awful time trying to sleep. It's recently gotten so bad that I go days with just a couple hours of sleep. I feel awful and heavy and gross, but no matter how much I try, I can't sleep. I try to relax, I meditate, I do a little reading before bed, and I've taken medication.

I spent a whole month taking NyQuil because it was the only thing that made me tired enough to sleep. I tried benedryl too, which helped both my sleeping and allergies. But now, none of them are working anymore. I've spoken to my doctors about it, but they only gave me anti-anxiety pills and while they did make me a little drowsy, they made me feel horribly depressed too.

I've never been medically tested for insomnia, but I think I need to. I'm pretty sure that's what it is. I'm hardly ever sleepy and when I am, it's during the day when I have to be around people. Otherwise, I'm wide awake. And sometimes, after an all nighter, I'm exhausted, but push through the day so I'm tired by the time bedtime comes around, but as soon as it gets dark, I'm wide awake and active. I really need help because this is driving me insane, and my mom too as I still live with her and she constantly complains about my staying up all night and taking naps during the day.

Can I get this medically tested? If so, what kind of procedure is it? Are there any natural remedies I can try aside from meditation?
Hi,
Insomnia can occur at different ages, and due to many things, like: stress, anxiety, depression, illness, drugs & medication, hormones (e.g. during menopause), lifestyle (e.g. working nights), and more.
It is important to know that Insomnia is most commonly a symptom of a condition, rather than a condition itself, so it is important to work out what is causing it.
So, did your doctors give you anxiety medication because they thought you had anxiety (which was causing your insomnia), or was it a last resort to help you sleep? I wouldn't approve of giving anxiety pills to someone without anxiety, because that isn't really helping. Anyway, it might be important to think if you have felt depressed, anxious or stressed for the last 5 years.
I think you should see a professional in sleep medicine. Insomnia that has been going on for years definitely needs a professional to help, and can take time to fix. Help can include medications, behavioural therapy, and sleep diaries (to help pinpoint the pattern of insomnia), and others. A specialist might combine the use of behavioural practices and medication(behavioural practices can include simple things like not napping during the day, to more complicated behavioural therapies, which a specialist could explain to you).
Unfortunately I am not aware of many natural remedies, but I would suggest asking your doctors for a referral to a specialist, or ask them for advice on how to get into contact with a sleep specialist (I am not from the USA, so I can't help you with that, sorry) You should try this website, which I think can help you find a specialist:

http://www.sleepfoundation.org/

I also found this website, which lists some simple, natural things as well as a couple of medications.

http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/natural-medicine/home-remedies/10-home-remedies-for-insomnia.htm

But, because your insomnia has been going on for years, it might be more helpful to see a professional rather than find a herb to help you sleep. Whatever it is that will help you sleep, I really hope you find it :)

Q: I'm a 16 year old girl and just recently I came out as being bi-sexual but I don't think that's all, I know for a fact i'm not straight.
With me I can sort of get close to a guy, I can like one, find one attractive and even do things with them but I end up having the urge to push them away.I never want to spend alone time with a guy, never really want to talk to him. with a girl its different, I always want to be around her, I want to talk to her, do things with her. I've talked to my close friends about this and they all think I may be a lesbian, the thing that is making me so confused about this is.. I can kiss a guy with no problem but in the end I end up pushing him away like its nothing.I know i still have alot of time to figure this out. Its just so stressful for me.
Hi!
It is really important to remember that when you are young, it is hard to determine what your exact sexual orientation is. Even when you are 18, 19 or even in your 20's, (or sometimes 30's!) it might still be difficult. Like you said, you've got lots of time to figure it out.

You sound to me like you are bi-sexual, because you've said that you can be attracted to both guys and girls, and can want to kiss both, and do things with both.

But you also said that its different with girls because you want to spend time with them, and not with guys. Did you like the personalities of the girls you have been with in the past more than the guys? Obviously you'd want to spend more time with people who you actually get along with and like being with, whether they're a boy or a girl. Or is it that you want to spend more time with the girls because you find that you're more physically attracted to them? Like the physical attraction lasts longer?

Or there is also the possibility that you have trouble trusting guys, or accepting your feelings for guys. In your words you "push them away like it is nothing" - are you pushing them away LIKE it is nothing or because it actually IS nothing? By that I mean: are you treating it like nothing, refusing to admit that you like him, forcing yourself away from him, OR is it actually nothing, and you aren't attracted to him any more, and your feelings disappear quickly with guys? It is important to figure this out for yourself, because you might be pushing guys away for reasons other than a lack of physical attraction.

Good luck and inbox me if you need more help or need me to explain something I have said :)

Q: How do a girl who is dateing a friend but being cheated on by him without my parent knowing but satisfie her enogh where she wont tell him?






I don't think the other advicenators have understood what you're asking. Are you asking how to have sex with a girl who is dating your friend but being cheated on, without your parents knowing? Because that is pretty disgusting and you sound like a really awful friend to even think about having sex with your friend's girlfriend. We don't give advice on how to do terrible things on this website.

Q: I'm 20, and I noticed a couple of spots on my legs where I have spider veins and I'm a bit freaked out by them. Definitely not what I need right now.

After I researched a little bit I found two possible causes: Being overweight and birth control.

I'm currently overweight and losing weight to become healthier. I'm also on birth control. But I'll most likely be sexually active very soon and don't want to stop taking the pill if that's not the cause...

Can anyone think of a way to pinpoint which is causing them?

I'm not sure how long I've had them... because I usually don't examine my legs as a daily routine. I just don't want more of them...
Hi! Firstly I'd like to give you some more information on spider veins.
Spider veins can be caused by a number of things:
- Weak or damaged valves in the veins
- genetics (e.g. genes for weak valves)
- Hormone changes (during puberty, pregnancy, and menopause; or when taking birth control pills, or other medications with estrogen or progesterone, which changes hormones)
- Other pregnancy related causes (e.g. increased blood flow)
- Sun exposure
- Increased age (valves become weaker and less efficient with age)
- Injuries
- Overweight or obesity (puts more pressure on veins)
- Lack of movement (sitting or standing for a long time puts pressure on veins, and we all sit for long periods of time these days, whether it be at work or home)

They are also very common, and mostly appear on the legs because of the pressure put on veins to move blood upwards, against gravity.

As you can see, spider veins are something that many people get. I have them on my legs and I am only 19 and I'm not overweight, but my mother has them so I probably got them from her. Also you can see from this that it is difficult to pinpoint what is causing them, as there are so many possible causes (also they are so common, like pimples or stretch marks).
I will give you the link to the website I got this info from. You'll see it also has treatment options for spider veins (even surgery! which is a bit extreme). I want to say that you shouldn't be so worried about this, as many people get them (yes, even men do). But there is an interesting section on preventing them that I think is more useful than removing them. It has things like exercise, good foods to eat, and just small things you can do. Note that it also says not all spider veins can be prevented, unfortunately they are something we naturally get as we age!


http://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/varicose-spider-veins.cfm

Q: Hi. My boyfriend has a really hard life, and I'm the reason he's not given up and tries to stay strong. If he loses me, he'll lose everything and I'm pretty certain he will commit suicide. But I'm not happy in the relationship, and I need to break up with him, but I know that he will kill himself if I do. I know people might say it's his problem not mine or something like that, but I still love him and care about him deeply. If he kills himself because of me, I will never be able to live with myself. I'm really afraid. He's not threatening me, he's really nice, but he has an awful life, and I'm the only good thing in his life. He has no one else. I don't know what to do. Please help.
Hi,
Feeling like you are responsible for your partner's life is an extremely difficult thing, but you have to remember that he is responsible for that, and not you. It is not fair for you to feel like the burden falls completely on you.
Your boyfriend sounds like he needs to contact a professional, especially if he is having suicidal thoughts. That is a serious thing that he needs to talk to a counsellor about - it is not a thing that just a partner, friend, or family member can support him through alone. Some people may feel like they can support their partner through this alone, but it looks to me like it is becoming too much for you, which is completely understandable. I think you should suggest to your partner that he should talk to someone.
I don't know why you want to break up, as you haven't said exactly, but you did say you are unhappy. Is it because he is possibly suicidal, and it is hard for you? Do you feel like the relationship is all about supporting him and you aren't getting anything from it? If this is so, you have to be honest with your partner in order to fix these feelings and get him to help himself by seeing a professional. I am going to give you advice to help you and your partner fix your relationship, rather than advice to break up, because you did say you still love him and care about him.
When you suggest he see someone, tell him it is not only for him, but for your relationship. Also, explain your feelings - your worry for him, the pressure you feel from being the only thing supporting him. It is important not to make this an attack (e.g. "You don't support me, it is not fair on me"). Instead, think more like "I feel like I can't support you enough, and I'm worried about you committing suicide if my support isn't good enough", "I am really worried that I won't be able to help you, it is a lot of pressure." Wording it with "I feel like..." instead of "You do this..." can help.

I really hope this advice is helpful, and I am sorry I can't advise you on how to break up with him. Good luck and I really hope everything works out well for you and your partner, whether that be working out well together or separately.

Q: I am 13, female. I am online quite a bit, and most of my friends are online. I am generally unfeeling, as in I have no emotions whatsoever, but while talking to one of my friends, I am not. My heart aches, a good, but needing, never satisfied ache. I am certain I like him. More than I should, especially for a 22 year old I met online. While reading this, I assume the majority of you plan to lecture on my young, stubborn, ignorance. For all I know, he is a 57 year old predator. Fortunately, while being young and stubborn, I am not stupid. I do not plan on ever actually meeting him. I have recently told him my age and feelings. I have discoveed that, while I am unable to completely supress my feelings, I can dull it. He has not said anything to me; it was in the form of an e-mail. I hope you don't simply scold me for liking someone so much older than I, but I enjoy talking to him. He understands me, my love of reading, of learning, of science, and of thinking. Our conversations tend to be mostly intellectual, and I enjoy how he treats me as though I'm equal, not just a little kid, and learning from him. His ideas and how he uses words are amazing. He weaves words into sentences meaning more than just their contents, beathing life into letters how I wish I could. My thoughts often jumble up between my brain and mouth, the already scrambled and unorganized words more like a first grader's finger-paint than anything else. This, I hope, is understandable, and my questions now clear: What is wrong with me, a 13 year old girl liking a 22 year old man so much? What should I do? Is it odd to hope he laughs at me and says I am just a little girl, that I shouldn't feel the way I do? Am I as crazy as I think I sound?
Hello! Sorry about this enormous answer, but I really want to help you.
You're obviously a very intelligent girl. I can tell by the way you write that you're smart and creative. However, it also seems to me, and sorry if my observations are wrong, but it seems that you often try to hide your emotions. It is normal for everyone (EVERYONE, except maybe sociopaths) to feel emotions (especially when you have all those hormones rushing around your brain when you're 13). Some people obviously feel them stronger than others, but what it usually comes down to is how much we express these emotions, and you're the type of person, from what I can see, that attempts to hide the expression of your feelings. This can be harsh on yourself. Avoiding and suppressing your feelings can not only be harmful for you, but it can also make you unaware of your own feelings, and it can harm your intrapersonal intelligence. That is, your awareness of yourself. Knowing yourself can really help you tap your creativity, and might help you write the way you wish you could, help you speak the way you wish, because you'll feel more comfortable with yourself. I discovered this myself, after being extremely socially awkward and then accepting myself.
Anyway, I can completely understand why you would have feelings for someone, when they are the only person you've met who can make you feel such strong emotions, and, not just feel them, but express them.
So, I think its normal for you to like this guy. He sounds smart like you, and you admire and respect him. I can imagine you haven't met any guys like him, and I definitely doubt you know any 13 year-olds who are intelligent like you and this 22-year-old guy.
As you said, you're not trying to meet up with him, and, being the smart person you are, you understand it might not be healthy for a 13-year-old girl to have feelings for a 22-year-old guy.
To answer your first question, I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You've just found a guy who you think is really great, and you have a crush. However, him being on the internet, its hard for you to be reasonable about his age when you can't see, face-to-face, how much older he looks, talks, and acts. I'm 19. I liked a guy at my work who was 24. We went on a couple of dates and I realised, even though I am a young adult, and so is he, that there is this obvious age gap. I am mature for my age, but watching the way he behaved, and hearing him talk, I just thought "Wow, I've realised how much older he really is." But chatting on Facebook, and small talk at work, couldn't show me that. What I'm trying to say is, you can't see how much age impacts this guy's personality because you've never seen him. I think if you realise that this guy is probably a lot different in person, and a lot different to YOU in person, it will be easier to overcome your feelings for him.
What you should do? I think you've already handled this right so far. You've told the guy how old you are, and you've been honest about your feelings for him. From what I can tell from your story, he hasn't replied to you? He is probably shocked that such an intelligent girl is only 13! All you can do now is hope he deals with the truth in a good way, and you guys can continue chatting. Honestly though, I don't see anything happening between the two of you (but I am sure you already know this). Also, if he starts asking to meet up with you, I would be worried as to why a 22-year-old young man would want to meet up with a 13-year-old girl.

Finally, you're not crazy, you're just a girl with a crush, and we all know that crazy feeling of liking a guy, despite how impossible any kind of romance would be. You are such a smart girl, and this will help you in life with school and your future education if you go to college. Being creative, enjoying reading and science and thinking intelligently like you do, are such good features for a person to have. One day you will find a guy the right age who will absolutely love you. Most guys aren't much intellectually from 13-18. Wait until college and you meet smart people like you. They do exist! It must be hard for you now to find people who understand you, but I'm sure it will get much better later on in life.

Good luck, and try to get in touch with your emotions more, it might help you sort out your feelings.

Q: Im 13 years old and one of my friends has ben stuck in my head the past few weeks and i really want to finger her ive had sex dreams of us and one where shes fingering herself for me soo i really want to ive asked her once but she refused how can i get her to let me?
If a girl doesn't want to go anything sexual with you, then you can't make her.
Its normal for you to have sexual dreams as a teenager, but that doesn't mean you should be trying to get a girl to let you finger her.
If she said 'no' then she means 'no', not 'maybe later'. She means 'no'.

Q: How would I cite this website in APA
I need it for my reference page at the end of my paper. I'm not asking for the straight out answer, just the layout if you guys know. I couldn't find it anywhere online. And the article doesn't have an author, I think that's why I'm struggling.
Thanks.

http://www.drugabuse.gov/drugs-abuse/methamphetamine
Hi! This link should help:

http://www.apastyle.org/learn/quick-guide-on-references.aspx#Websites

It is from the official APA website, so just check there whenever you are stuck. The first thing on that page shows how to reference websites, if you scroll down it shows how to reference particular websites (such as twitter).

The website also helps with referencing books, journals, and so on. You can also find how to reference a page without an author here:

http://www.apastyle.org/learn/faqs/web-page-no-author.aspx

However, since yours is a government web site I'd assume you would have to put National Institute on Drug Abuse as the author.
Also, if you scroll down on your NIDA page, it says "This page was last updated December 2012", so you would put the year as 2012 when you reference that page.

Also, some Universities offer you resources to help with this on their website. Not sure what country you're from, or what University/College you go to, or if they have online resources, but it might be worth finding out if your College website can help.
I am from Australia and my University has online stuff to help, hopefully yours does too, because I have noticed that the referencing is not always consistent amongst Universities.

I hope this helps :)
Good luck on your paper.

P.S. if you need more help with APA check out their tutorial by clicking the 'View tutorial' Link here:

http://www.apastyle.org/learn/tutorials/basics-tutorial.aspx

Q: Hello, I 29 and I just got conceived but me and my husband is not at all prepared to have baby now. If I am going for abortion so can I have the baby after two years or so.
Hi,
Yes you will still be able to conceive a child and have a baby if you have had an abortion.

Q: I'm really obsessed with this girl and i really not sure what to do, i know she doesn't like me but i know i still have hope, shes a friend and once in while we hug but i want to get in a relationship. I know its love cause i think of her all the time, sometimes at night i make up stories of her and me. I even cry sometimes... I'm asking please if you people could help me make her interested in me, i know i cant MAKE her like me, i believe that too, please tell me what girls really like and i also would like to make her interested in me without other people noticing what I'm doing... PLEASE HELP!!!
Hi! I don't want to be too blunt, but 'love' is only love if they love you back. Its between two people. What you are experiencing is a very serious crush.
Now, you've said you already are friends and hug occasionally, which sounds to me like you are comfortable around each other.
If she is your friend, it means she already sees something good in you, which is worthy of friendship.
I read the other advicenator's answer, which is really good advice. Hanging out more to become closer is a good idea. However, you don't want to be "friend-zoned", so doing little flirty things like complimenting her will be an indication that you might have a crush on her. When I say complimenting, its things like "You look really nice today". If she is dressed up for a special occasion you say "Wow, You look beautiful!".
Its not doing creepy things like "You've got an amazing butt", or "I think about you all the time, you are the most incredible person in the world" and "I cry when I think about us never being together". That is coming on really strong and will definitely scare her. Its good to let her know you think of her by sending her a random text like "How was your day today?" or "I saw this _(something that she likes)__ and it reminded me of you :)"

Also, as you said, you can't MAKE her like you. If she doesn't like you, it will hurt and be crap, but it happens to everyone and you have to be strong and move on. There are a lot of girls out there, and you'll find one who appreciates you and loves you back.

Q: My 3 yr old cat does not like children or their voices. My husband had a video of a child on the laptop, cat went into attack mode. Week later, video of a female singer, cat went after my husband, did it again the next day, unprovoked. Cat has been downstairs for 2 days, he is loving and affectionate with me. My husband goes to the door and talks to him, opens door a little and gives him a treat. My husband is scared of him attacking again for no reason. And I think the cat is afraid of my husband. Please help. Thank you.
Hi, I hope this advice helps you.
Sometimes if a cat has had a traumatic experience, they develop serious trust issues with humans. Did you adopt your cat, or bring it in off the streets? Or did you bring it up from birth?
It is likely that if your cat was from a shelter or was a stray like mine, she/he has had a bad experience with children and is now afraid of them. Unfortunately this happens to a lot of cats, because children don't understand how to handle animals. My cat was a stray, we've had her for almost 2 years and she is still adjusting to our company, as well as being very frightened when we have guests over, especially children. She occasionally lashes out and scratches me, because she gets scared from remembering.
Your cat might not like your husband if he tends to yell at your cat for misbehaving. My mum yells at my cat for jumping on the table/scratching the couch/etc., but because of this the cat doesn't like my mum and avoids her.
Hopefully your cat warms up to your husband :) Good luck!

Q: i feel as i have no soul i feel like someon estole my feelings i dont even care about my family and the boyfriend i loved to death, i just cant seem to love anymore is their anyone who feels the same???
You sound like you're feeling depressed. Everyone feels really sad sometimes, maybe if something has happened (like the death of a loved one, fired from your job, or a sudden change in your life), or sometimes we just feel sad for no reason. If you are a teenager, your hormones can make you feel depressed, especially if you are a female and are going to get your period, or already have your period, or have just finished your period.

How long have you been feeling like this? If it has only been one or two weeks, or less, it isn't right to think it is depression. If you've been feeling this way for more than a month, it might be a bit more serious than just a normal feeling of sadness.

You need to talk to someone about it. Keeping it bottled up will make it worse. Whether it is clinical depression or not, it is still serious that you are feeling like this.
Talk to a family member, or your boyfriend. They care about you and would want to know that you're feeling "empty".
If you think it is having an impact on your day-to-day life, you really should talk to a doctor about it. It is also an excellent idea to talk to a counselor/therapist.

If you are thinking it is depresssion, it is important to know that depression isn't just feeling "empty" or sad like you feel. It can also include (BUT doesn't HAVE TO include all of these things): losing interest in activities, weight changes, feeling very tired all the time or having insomnia (not being able to sleep), feeling physically 'slowed down', feeling worthless or excessively guilty, finding it hard to concentrate, or having suicidal thoughts.
It is important that you don't self-diagnose your self with depression, and actually talk to a doctor about it. Also, if you're having suicidal thoughts, you need to talk to a loved one and a professional.

Hope this helps.

Q: I am 22 years old and have never had sex or have I ever managed to successfully insert a tampon. I have never masturbated by sticking anything up there... and I fear that through not using it, my vagina has closed up. How possible/prevalent is that?

I am only having serious problems with it now because my boyfriend and I have tried to have sex a few times - the first time his penis would just not go in. Whenever he was fingering me it hurt a lot... and recently whenever I have been trying to put in a tampon (I have been using pads since my first period at age 16), it just cannot go in (I don't even know if I am putting it in the right place).

This whole thing is really upsetting me. My boyfriend says he understands and that we will try again but I think he just thinks I am scared - really I am just scared that it will hurt, or that he just cannot get it in...

I am prepared to go see a doctor and see if they can do anything to help me? CAN THEY HELP ME? Or is it too late after so many years of never stimulating/using that area...

I have also tried masturbating recently but I just find it uncomfortable and again nothing seems to fit in my vagina.

So desperate.
Don't worry, your vagina can't close up! I know it is really upsetting when you can't put a finger or even a tampon in, because I've experienced this myself.

When you are nervous or worried, your vagina muscles will tense up. This makes it really hard to insert a tampon and is quite a predicament for first-time tampon users. I am 19 years-old now, but when I first tried to use a tampon when I was 16, I couldn't get it in at all. I was so worried, I though something was wrong with me, or I must not have been "putting it in the right place". I felt like there was something in the way. I was really confused! This happened the next few times until I learned to calm down before trying to insert the tampon. It is a lot easier when you're relaxed. However, even sometimes when I am relaxed it is a bit difficult and hurts a little, which is normal.
Also, the shape of the vagina isn't just straight. I discovered I wasn't pointing the tampon in the right way, which why it felt like something was in the way.
This link is pretty good at describing how to insert one, and has informative pictures (although it explains how to insert a tampon with an applicator. If you don't buy tampons with an applicator, you just use your finger to aim and slide it in. Your finger actually ends up going inside the vagina with the tampon. It is a bit messy, which is why a lot of girls prefer to buy tampons with applicators):

http://www.theperiodblog.com/2012/03/how-to-insert-tampon.html

Secondly, if your boyfriend has tried fingering you and it really hurt, you might not have been aroused enough. When we get aroused our vagina produces a natural lubricant, but without that it does hurt to insert a finger/penis/tampon.

Going back to what I said earlier, if you were really nervous when you tried having sex, your vagina might not have been 'wet' enough, or may have been too tense. This is the same for when you tried masturbating. Also, despite what everyone believes, it is not really that enjoyable to masturbate by 'fingering' yourself, I've tried it and gained virtually no pleasure from it. The clitoris is a main pleasure spot for females, maybe try stimulating that area instead.
I am a virgin, but my friend told me her story of her first time: her boyfriend couldn't "get it in", because she was nervous and he wasn't aiming right.

Don't stress, I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you. However, If you are continuously unable to insert a tampon, maybe speak to your doctor or gynecologist about it. Good luck :)

bio
05natalie05
Hi! My name is Natalie and I am from Australia. I have always enjoyed helping people, and that is why I love using this website so much, and why I am studying Psychology at University to become a Clinical Psychologist. Hopefully I can give you some helpful advice and I always love feedback! :)

Info
Gender:
Female

Location:
Australia

Age:
19

Member Since:
March 31, 2007

Answers:
54

Last Update:
May 16, 2014

Visitors:
7777

Main Categories:







layout by Adam Particka

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>

eXTReMe Tracker