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my fiance wants to be with another girl sexually
Me(25 f) and my fiance(27 m) tried soft swinging with the rule no sex with someone else in the end my fiance thought me and the other guy was having sex so he and the girl started having sex and when I saw them having sex I told the guy we can also, after like 2 min I stopped the guy and walked away, me and my fiance had a big fight but we sorted it out after 7 months we both said we were wondering how the evening would turn out if we didn't end it like that, so we agreed to try it again but with my rules but then my fiance talked about it a step further that what we originally talked about then I got angry because I feel why do he want more with another girl I only enjoy the rush of the story the feeling but he actually wants to soft play with another women and it makes me feel that why must I be alive because my guy want to be with another girl again,
We've been engaged for 7 years and have 2 boys
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Hi,
It is hard for me to answer this question, because I have never been in a serious relationship. But I will give you the best advice I can.
I think you need to set boundaries and be truthful with your fiance, and ask him to be truthful with you. He has to know how it makes you feel when he wants to have sex with another woman. You see it as hurtful and cheating, but he sees it has acceptable during swinging.
Remember that your partner cheating on you or wanting to cheat on you is NEVER your fault. Don't blame yourself, it was his actions, and his mistake, not yours. You shouldn't feel like you have nothing to live for if he wants to sleep with other women, because you have your sons to live for, and it is your fiance who should feel bad, not you.
Are you getting different things out of swinging? Why do you do it, and why does he do it? You should discuss this with him. Ask him: why does he want to have sex with other women? Why does he want to go swinging? If it is because he doesn't love you any more, or doesn't want to be with you any more, I am sorry but he needs to go. You shouldn't waste your time with a man who doesn't love you and wants to be with other women, he will just hurt you.
When you set boundaries, you have to be clear - no sex with other women. But it also means you cannot have sex with other men. If you are going to expect one thing from your fiance, you have to do the same. You said that after you found out he was having sex, you started having sex with the other man. This gives him the idea that it is actually ok to have sex with other women. You need to set your boundaries stronger than that. If you found out he was having sex, you need to confront him, rather than try to get back at him by having sex with another man. That won't sort out anything.
If swinging is becoming too much of a problem, you need to stop. If you are worried he will have sex during swinging, you need to tell him this, and also tell him swinging needs to stop if he can't respect your 'no sex with other women' rule. This should already be a rule that he accepts anyway! If you are going to get married, he shouldn't be having sex with others, or wanting to have sex with others.
If your partner cannot respect your boundaries and be faithful to you, you might need to break up. Tell him, is it worth losing you? Is it worth having your sons see their parents fighting, seeing them break up? It would be very painful for the children. You need to stand up for you and your children. This also means thinking about the children with any choices you make. Is it ok to go swinging when you have kids? Is it ok to go swinging when you get married? Should you make your relationship more stable and mature after 7 years and two children, by stopping swinging? Also, if your partner won't agree to your boundaries, should you break up with him? Should you go to couples counselling?
I am worried that your partner is not very committed to you if he wants to cheat on you. It might be a good idea to consider couples counselling if your partner won't agree to your boundaries and if he won't be honest with you. Otherwise, your relationship could end. If he can't commit only to you while you are engaged, he won't be able to when you are married, and you might have to break up before you get married and would have to go through a divorce if he cheated on you.
Take a look at this web page on Dr. Phil's web site:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
If you scroll down you will see 'If You Are Being Cheated On:'
It has some advice that might be useful for you, if your partner cheats on you and doesn't respect your boundaries and respect you.
In the end, I think these are the important things:
- Honesty: Tell each other how you feel, be honest if you cheat on each other. Try to understand how each other feel.
- Commitment: You need to agree on your level of commitment - Fully committed with no swinging, or swinging but not sex with others, or sex with others and swinging (open relationship). Will swinging continue when you are married?
- Respect: Respect boundaries, respect emotions, and respect your relationship - if you have a serious relationship you need to start respecting that, which means no messing around with other people. If it is too hard to stay faithful to each other because of swinging, then swinging might need to stop.
Good luck and message me if you need more help :)
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