cloudy_conscience's advice column | cloudy_conscience's Advice About General Sex Questions

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Q: I have been dating a guy for awhile now and we recently started having sex. Everything is great in that regard except for one issue. He likes me to go down on him every time we have sex. I don't mind it and actually enjoy it, but I think every time is a little much because in my opinion, it will get boring and repetitive. On top of that, he does not go down on me. I don't believe that to be much of a problem since I've never really been into it, but I'd feel better if he'd at least offer. How do I navigate this touchy situation in a still new relationship? 25/f

The biggest thing in a relationship is communication. Sit down with him and talk to him about it, it may be awkward at first but if you can't talk about it then you probably aren't going to last. Ask him if there is anything that he wants that you're not doing, and then let him know that you would like to try some different things, such as you receiving oral or 69. Also if you're worried about a blowjob becoming boring it probably never will, men aren't usually that hard to please when it comes to oral but there are many many things you can find on the Internet about it or buy a Cosmo magazine every month. They always have loads of tips about spicing up your sex life and ways to communicate with your lover.
Hope I helped :)

Q: What are the odds of getting pregnant with unprotected sex?

VERY HIGH, if you have unprotected sex it is very very likely that you will pregnant, because there is nothing stoping the sperm from reaching the egg. If you don't want to get pregnant then you need to use some form of birth control, the pull-out method is not effective, I am talking the pill, condoms, etc.
Do not have unprotected unless you want to have a baby, it only takes one time.
Hope I Helped :)

Q: Hey there can you help me get the right mentality i need to go through with this... me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now and we are still very fond of each other, i love him more and more everyday and we are pretty close. We talk about forever as if we'll always be together so if things go well, we'll get married in the next few years. we just have a bit of a physical problem, that we keep coming very close to having sex even though we decided we'll keep it for after marriage. We both want to have sex, but we cant because we also both want to stick to our decision. I asked him what he thinks we should do to prevent it, like physical barriers or whatever haha and he said no, it has to be our minds that stop us. Any advice? Thanks in advance

Abstinence can be a very very tricky thing and your boyfriend is right your mind really has to be the thing that stops you from taking that step. The best thing that I think you should do is keep in mind WHY you have made the decision to be abstinent, keep going over it in your mind. Now its going to get really tough because if you are alone at all there is going to be temptation. You could also try avoiding the temptation, try to stay in groups, like watch tv in the living room, go out on group dates, etc.
It is great that you are making this decision, sex is a very very serious decision and should not be taken lightly. There are many things to take into consideration, stand strong in your decision and do not let yourself be pressured.
Hope I Helped & Good Luck :)

Q: Tell me if this is normal because i'm freaking out.

I'm a 17 year old girl. Junior in High school. I still can't wear tampons. Is that bad?? I only wear pads and i've tried soooooo many times to try tampons but they hurt too badly and feel weird all the time and i just overall hate them. I feel so different. like other girls can handle sex and stuff, but i can barely put in a tampon! is something wrong with me?? It will be a year with my boyfriend in May and he's always wondering why I don't want him to finger me. If i tell him, or anybody for that matter, i'll be so embarrassed and feel like i'm so different than everybody.

Helppp i'm desperate.. everytime i try, i start crying in frustration because it NEVER works out. I get about an inch in, and then it starts to feel weird and gross.

If it helps, i'm terrified of needles. so i think that putting in a tampon reminds me of a needle going in me. do you think that could be a reason??

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel awkward or weird about not being comfortable with tampons. I hate tampons and refuse to wear them, but I am married and do have sex, the 2 really don't matter together. Just because you are uncomfortable with tampons doesn't mean you will be as uncomfortable with sex, or your boyfriend fingering you.
Don't get so worked up about, use whatever works for you, if thats pads then so be it. It's really not that strange for some girls to not like tampons, I knew quite a few girls in highschool who preferred pads. Everyone is different and there is no reason for you to be embarrassed, just be who you are comfortable with. I'm sure your boyfriend won't think that you are weird if you just tell him that you don't like tampons and that in turn makes you nervous about things in the sexual area, like getting fingered.
Hope I Helped :)

Q: Ive had this problem for a few years now where whenever im with a guy and things are getting heated, I reach a point where I 'panic' and then get really emotional,like start crying, for no reason! Ive tried controlling it myself but i cant seem to stop it. It happens at a point when we are both really turned on and things are about to peak, and then BAM..I suddenly freak out! I have been with my current boyf for a while now and completely trust him and he is realy understanding, but it is starting to really annoy me! And I am completely comfortable with him! I have never had sex because I have never been able to get that far without my body shutting down and me getting emotional!
Can anyone help/give advice?!?!

Maybe your body and mind are trying to tell you something, maybe you aren't ready to take that next step just yet. If it continues you may want to consider talking to a professional, there may be something that is upsetting you that not even you are aware of, but subconsciously its there. A counselor/therapist may be able to help you sort through your feelings so you can take the next step in your relationship. That must be stressful for the both of you, for you not to be really in control of your emotions and not know why you are reacting the way you are.
The best advice that I can give you is to see a professional, but maybe you can do some like meditation to try and just get some control over your breathing, a professional will be better but I don't know your situation and maybe you can't afford one right now or are uncomfortable with it. But therapists/counselors are a great way to go, they are very helpful and cannot tell anyone what the 2 of you speak about.
Hope I Helped & Good Luck :)

Q: whats the easiest way to get birth control pills? I live in new jersey. I was wondering if there is any way to get them for free without my parents knowing. I am 18 but i'm still living with them because I'm in high school. If i had a doctors appointment to get them and used their insurance could they find out? Or could i get them at like a planned parenthood? And which ones do you guys recommend? My primary purpose for it is birth control, but i've heard it also can do lots of other stuff that I want to take advantage of. I want to have less difficult periods, increase my cup size a little bit, and have better skin (i break out sometimes). Oh and one more thing... you have to take it at the same time every day right? What is a good time to take it? I don't want it in the morning because i have to wake up way earlier during the week than weekend and i want it to be not so noticeable when i take it. Thanks so much! sorry it was long!

I would just go to your local clinic, in fact most of the time you can get them for free if you are a student, I know I did when I was in highschool. But the best thing for you to do is to probably speak to your parents about it, if you are wanting to take them simply because you want to have a less trying period, larger breasts, and clearer skin then I'm pretty sure that your parents will not object. If you do use their insurance they will find out, because insurances send out explanation of benefits, showing how much they paid and how much you may owe the provider.
Also your mother may want you to begin going to a gynecologist, now is a good time to begin going and getting your yearly pap smears too. They can then discuss with you what type of birth control is best for you, what they risks are, and which dosage of hormones are best for you. I have found that they usually are a little more helpful at your own gynecologist than at a clinic, because they can be so swamped.
Hope I Helped :)

Q: i know what your thinking... "is this chick stupid?" but hear me out. me & this boy were messing around & he was fingering me. then he started rubbing his "head" on my vagina. he told me i was too tight to even go in ,but through out the time i guess i kinda got a little loosened up or whatever. he said that "only the head was there." no idea what that meant. i just kept telling him to please not go in whatever he did. i don't wanna lose my virginity at 15. so did i just have sex? :/ i wasn't meaning to go that far. OH & he was cumming while rubbing it on my clit. so could i get pregnant? he told me no. idk.
please help . :(

Okay, first of all if you are NOT ready to have sex, then you probably are putting yourself in a really bad situation with your boyfriend. He is a boy and when those hormones get raging they completely forget about you and how you are feeling about it. Now as for if you had sex, I think that depends on translation, different people are going to tell you different things. Sex is classified as penis inside vagina to most people, and the head of his penis did go inside of you, but others may say if your cherry did not burst(unless it already has because of him fingering you or some sort of activity) then you are still a virgin. I would say that yes you did sorta have sex, although not full on. And yes you could get pregnant, if his sprem even gets near your vagina then there is a chance, sperm is crafty and has one goal, to get to your egg. If you have your period already then yes there is chance that you can get pregnant.
I advise sitting down and really thinking about whether or not you are ready to have sex, if not, then do NOT put yourself in this position with your boyfriend again. Let him know where you stand and if he starts to go too far(like it seems he did this time) stop him. If he really cares about you he will understand, if not he isn't worth it. Also, if you are thinking of becoming sexually active please please please think about protection, such as the birth control pill, patch, or shot, and condoms. If you feel as though you are not ready, let your boyfriend know and stand your ground.
If you need to talk further you may email me at bacardii_caddy@yahoo.com.
Good Luck :)

Q: what does it mean if his penis is or gets unerected.

This means that he was turned on and had an erection (hard on) and then something happened that killed the mood and he lost it( ie went soft).
Like the example given below :) Or if nothing happened and he just lost his erection it could be something else, like erecticle dystfunction, although this is rare with younger men, I am not sure if you are just asking this to ask or if something really happend nor am I sure what age you are just thought I would throw that it there as well.
Good Luck :)

Q: im only 13... and i have had the same boyfriend for 2 years and about two months ago we had sex...unprotected... let me cut to the chase... i havent had me period since then and i took a pregnancy test and it was positive... how do i tell my parents? or my boyfriend? or ANYONE?
please help

This is a very tough situation for all the parties that are involved, but its over and done with and there is nothing you can do now but make the decision on what to do about the pregnancy. Sit down and tell your parents, let them know that you are sorry and that you realize it was a mistake. Then as a family you can all sit down and talk about your options:
-abortion.
-keep it.
-adoption.
In the end it is really YOUR decision, no one can tell you what is the right or wrong thing to do, because really that just depends on you and your situation. I know plenty of girls who are teen moms, not as young as you I will say, it is doable although your life will NEVER EVER be the same again. Then you need to go to the doctor and make sure you really are pregnant and there isn't something else wrong ie. just changes in your menstration, which is possible at your age, but doubtful since you got a positive test.
I am very sorry for your situation and, although I cannot say for sure how your parents are going to react about it, from my experience they are very upset, disappointed, and hurt at the beginning but whatever your decision in the end, they will come around(hopefully). Things are going to be tough no matter what decision you make, but in the end things will work out, they always do.
Good Luck & I Hope I Helped :)

Q: I am 17 and going to the gynecologist for the first time within the next couple weeks. I'm not sexually, just going to get on the pill for my period. I was wondering what to expect and all the procedures that they do while im there. And which should I pick - a male or female doctor? Any other tips? Thanks.

What you should expect is loads of questions about your sex life, but you shouldn't be too embarrassed since you are not sexually active yet, there are lots of questions the first visit. Your gynecologist may or may not want to do a pap smear, they are not painful just a bit uncomfortable. As for the sex of your doctor it really depends on which you are more comfortable with, I have a female doctor at the moment, but will probably be transferring to a male doctor when I become pregnant, simply because I do not want to have my baby at the hospital where my doctor works and the male doctor that I am transferring to is a great doctor(he is my mother's gyno.) The best thing to do is talk to the women in your family or friends about who they have been to, who they prefer, etc. You can even go with one of them to met the doctor and see how you feel about them, this is what I did before I chose.
Do NOT be afraid to voice any concerns or thoughts that you have to your gynecologist, if you are uncomfortable with something he/she is doing then let them know.
Hope I Helped :)

Q: My mom and I never get along or even talk. She's just not someone I can go up to and tell things to. Well im 17 and this summer im pretty sure im going to lose my virginity when im on vacation to visit my friends. Im ready, i love him and hes the right guy, i know more than most people know, im aware of the consequences and precautions i need to take. I just dont trust condoms alone, so id like to get on the pill before becoming sexually active. I would like to tell my mom so we can set up an appointment with the gyno, but im scared that i could ever have the courage to ask her or even talk to her about sex. She's told me tons of times "If you ever have sex, use protection. And tell me." My parents trust me already, but a part of me feels like..if i told them im going to start having sex..that they may take my freedom away from me and wont let me go on vacation. I was thinking about just going to Planned Parenthood behind their backs and getting it, but because of several reasons, theres no way i can actually get away with it and do it. (Long story, but its seriously impossible at this moment.) I was also thinking about just asking to go to the gyno because of period problems. (Ive actually had problems for the past year or two that my mom knows about) But she still refuses to give me medical attention no matter what the situation is. My parents know im cautious and responsible, unlike my sister. (She lost her virginity at 13 and they could care less.) So my question is - if you were in my position and never really talked to your mom..would you talk to her about becoming sexually active and getting on the pill? I guess the only thing holding me back is not knowing how she will react. Or should i just be careful and use a condom only...and when i come back from vacation..tell her im sexually active and need to be on the pill?

I think that you should sit down with her and talk to her about it, it will make you seem alot more responsible because you went to her about it. You don't really have to tell her that you are going to have sex, just tell her that you would rather be safe than sorry and that way if it does happen then you are prepared. You can also let her know that you are still a virgin at this point and just want to make sure that you take all the precautions to prevent pregnany, stds, etc. Use condoms along with the pill also just to be extra careful. You are 17 and if she says no then I would tell her that you are going to go yourself and get on it, I think that as long as you sit down and make a good argument that she will be fine with it and take you. Showing your responsibility by talking to her will be a great step in the right direction.
I also want to say that I think it's great that you are being so smart about the whole situation, kudos for you.
Hope I Helped & Good Luck :)

Q: 17/male im a virgin ive been with my girlfriend over 7 months shes also 17 and weve talked about having sex shes also a virgin she keeps talking about having sex shes keen im really nervous about it my penis is really small its 3.5 inches erect im worried i wont be able to please her
i dont want it to be bad our first time im worried im too small will i be able to satisfy her?

I wouldn't worry about it too much, afterall you are both virgins. As they say its not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean. Focus on foreplay, the more worked up you get her before actual intercourse the better. Also use positions that give better penetration like doggie style, missionary, etc. Don't stress yourself out about it too much, the more nervous you get about the worse its going to be. Be confident, girls like confidence, act like you know what you are doing even when you don't.
I hope that I helped you :)
Good Luck.

Q: i missed my period took a pregnancy test came back negative what should i do

There are multiple reasons for your period to either not come or just be late, you could be pregnant & it just be to early for a test to show it, I would wait another week or so & take another test if it is still negative I would go to your gynecologist. Your hormones could also be out of wack, if you are stressed this could cause changes in menstration, if your activity level has increased or decreased drastically this could also cause changes. So as you can see there are a multitude of reasons for menstration problems.
As I said I would wait a bit, take another test, & go from there, or if you don't feel like waiting go on to the doctor & see what they tell you :)
Hope I Helped.

Q: how can I commit suicide without making a big deal for others out of it, finding body, cleaning up, anyone finding me. Iam 64 worn out tired need out.

Suicide is never the answer, although you may feel hopeless & be in pain & tired of living, it will hurt everyone around. Suicide is actually a very selfish act, think about how everyone around you will be effected. I suggest going to talk to a counselor that can help you sort out your feelings and emotions, they can probably suggest some medication or something else that can help your outlook on life.
I know its tough & sometimes you may feel as though there is no point in moving on, but there is alwaysa a reason to live & there is always someone who is worse off than you although you may not feel that way. Really try talking to someone, before you make any drastic decision. Committing suicide without causing a rucus is completely & utterly impossible, I am very sorry that you are feeling this way & I really hope that you find someone that can help you out in your hour of need.
Hope I Helped.

Q: Hi-
So, i have not been fingered that many times (like 3, and it was barely- like the boys who did it did not really no what they were doing) but the other night i got fingered by an older guy who knew what he was doing. he fingered me SO HARD all over my vaginia and in the period hole. like literally jabbing the hole with his fingeres.
HOWEVER-
it did not feel good whatsoever. it never does. it just really hurts like really really hurts. and i hate it.
my hymen is still intact, im a virgin but my friends who r just like me claim it feels AAAMMMAAZZZINNG.

how do i fix my problem?
y doesnt it feel good for me!
i kind of feel like im not a sexual person.

No wonder it doesn't feel good, just jamming his finger in there doesnt do anything. You need to be into start my making out, then stimulating your clitoris, then slowly move to fingering. You gotta heat the oven before you put the turkey in, yes stupid phrase but true. Lubricant is also a very good idea, this way there is no friction which can cause lots of discomfort. Keeping the nails short is also a good idea, that way you don't get an cuts or abrasions during it.
Everyone is different, some girls simply do not like being fingered, I know lots of them. Just like some girls do not like getting eaten out, its all your preference so don't listen to your friends.
Let your guy know what you like & what you don't like, it needs to be pleasurably for the both of you, not just him.
Hope I Helped. :)

Q: Soo my friendd is on birth control && she keeps tellingg me I shouldd get it too. Yes, I am sexuallyy active so I thinkk it wouldd be goodd forr me, but the onlyy problem is how cann I get birthh control withoutt my parents knowingg? Theyy wouldd FREAK !

Im pretty sure that if you go to your local planned parenthood or clinic then you can get birth control without your parents permission. I know that you can at my local clinic, what you should do is to either just sit down and talk to your parents about it or call your clinic and see what their policy is on the whole thing.
Talking to your parents is probably the best idea, because if your parents find out that you are taking birth control and did not talk to them about it they may not be very happy. Just sit them down and let them know that you are THINKING of having sex, but would like to do that in a responsible way, by getting put on birth control. You do NOT have to tell them that you are already sexually active, just tell them that you would rather be safe than sorry.
Hope I Helped.

Q: Never been on birth control before. I've been on nuvaring for about 5 weeks, and been spotting EVERY DAY. Will this stop soon?

http://www.nuvaring.com/Consumer/aboutNuvaRing/possibleSideEffects/index.asp

The above link lists the side effects of Nuvaring and spotting is listed, so I wouldnt worry too much about it. I would think that it would subside within a couple weeks/months, if you are still uncomfortable about the spotting or it continues for a long period of time, then I would contact your gynecologist.
Hope I Helped. :)

Q: Im 15/f. (:
Im with a guy i like for a long time. He is NOT a virgin, i however, am. I just had some question's. 1st- how bad is it going to hurt? I have been fingered, does that change anything?
2nd--is there anything i can do during sex that'll pleasure him too? Any tips to make me seem better? am i going to bleed bad?
Thanks in advancee

First of all, make sure that you & your partner are ready to take all the responsibilities that come along with having sex. & like the below poster said, you can NOT get your virginity back, once its gone, its gone. Make sure you really care about one another, and it will be better for the both of you.
"How bad is it going to hurt?" Everyone is different, it really didnt hurt me that much my first time but it didnt really feel good either. Use lots of foreplay to get yourself going(wet), use lube that way it will be easier for him to enter and there wont be as much friction whihc will hurt you both, relax the more tension in your body the more difficult it makes things.
"Any tips?" Be confident, although you may not know what you are doing, fake it guys like a confident partner, let him know what feels good, take control, clawing & moaning are good ways to let him know that you like whatever he's doing.
I really doubt that he is going to be thinking about how good you are, he is, afterall, a guy. They do not think the way girls do, he is probably just happy to be getting some, so I wouldnt worry about it too much(dont stress out about it).
Be sure you want this BEFORE you do it, & good luck.
Hope I Helped.

Q: Okay So Me And This Guyy Have Hadd Sexx A Couple Times And We NEVER Use A Condom. But Theres No Need Forr A Condom If He NEVER Cums, Righhtt?

I Askked Him Why He Neverr Cums And He Saidd "I Cann Handle Mines" ;
Is That Evenn Possible? Cann Youu Reallyy Stopp Yourselff From Cumingg?

His Friendd Toldd Me It's Because He Doesn't Have Balls. But I Thinkk He's Just Sayingg That To Mess Aroundd. But At The Same Time I Kindaa Believe It. But I'm Not Sure If It's Possible For A Guyy Not To Have Balls.
Andd I Know I Shouldd Knoww If I Hadd Sexx Withh Him Like More Thenn 10 Times But I've Neverr Actaullyy Payedd Attentionn.

Some guys can control themselves when it comes to having a full blown orgasm, but precum is something that they do not feel and thay cannot control.
Now, although I think the below poster could have said things a bit nicer, he is right. You really should NOT be having sex without protection, whether he ejaculates or not. & the first answer you go it total bogus, every guy has sperm, now his sperm may not be fertile, & it is very very unlikely that he doesnt have balls.
Seriously, if you don't know if he has both testicles, & you really dont think that you can get pregnant just because he doesnt fully ejaculate then you probably shouldnt be having sex. Sex is a very very serious thing and should not be taken lightly, use a condomn, get some birth control, but STOP having unprotected sex with this boy.
Hope I Helped.

Q: During the sex (wether normal or oral sex) I find my penis going soft and ... bendable, this is unpleasant for both me and my girlfriend because we can't go on...

Is this a physical or a psychological problem and what can I do about it? I really am uncomfortable with the fact that it might grow weak before we have sex.

Is it because I'm not horny enough or I don't find my girlfriend attractive? I'm 18, please help me... thanks!

Maybe you are stressing about it too much, or maybe you & your girlfriend need to try some new things that may turn you on more. Maybe focus more on foreplay, or different postions? Really only you know if its because you aren't attracted to your girlfriend, but if you are still attracted to her, I would sit down and talk to her about it. Then you guys can try some different things and figure out what works for the both of you.
Do not stress about it, the more you worry about it the more pressure you put on yourself & that will not help the problem. Hope I Helped :)

bio

I am a 19 year old female. I am the least judgmental person you will ever meet. I am funny. I am free-willed. I am a lover. I am a friend. I have been through alot & many people call me their guru. & I will try to give you the healthiest advice possible. I may be young but I have a lot of life experiences in many areas, and since my career will be giving advice I figured I'd give a head start. I can be blunt and will give you my honest opinion, although I will do it in a nice way.
I am married to an amazing guy, we have been together since my Junior year & we can't be happier. I have 2 dogs & they are my babies, life wouldnt be the same without them. I am going into my 2nd year of college, I plan to get a degree in Radiology.

I am currently really busy in my life but I will answer any and all questions that are sent to my inbox. I do my best to get on & answer as many questions as possible whenever I am on. If you wish for me to answer one of your questions please submit them. Thanks.