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Abstinence
Hey there can you help me get the right mentality i need to go through with this... me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now and we are still very fond of each other, i love him more and more everyday and we are pretty close. We talk about forever as if we'll always be together so if things go well, we'll get married in the next few years. we just have a bit of a physical problem, that we keep coming very close to having sex even though we decided we'll keep it for after marriage. We both want to have sex, but we cant because we also both want to stick to our decision. I asked him what he thinks we should do to prevent it, like physical barriers or whatever haha and he said no, it has to be our minds that stop us. Any advice? Thanks in advance
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It sounds like he's hoping you'll break down. Not to say he's not serious about the promise, but you both want each other and if you break down and he gives in because you want to it's not all his fault.
::If you're both legal::
Sex is made an overly big deal of in the US. The truth of Virginity is that the next day you still feel like you. Your eyes are just a little more open. Sexuality is a natural part of relationships, a natural part of the human condition.
I don't personally believe in premarital abstinence. Sexuality is a very significant portion of adult romantic relationships. Knowing yourself and your partner sexually and knowing there's compatibility there is, to me, important. My wife and I had a healthy sex life by the time marriage was even a consideration in our relationship.
And quite frankly, if you're both of legal age to have sex and have no other barriers between you except your mutual decision, it's going to damage your relationship.
Wanting sex, thinking about sex, wishing you could have sex, is going to mostly consume your thinking when you're around each other. By avoiding sex, sex consumes the relationship. At the same time, having sex can consume the relationship.
Relationships need balance. You need to talk with him so you two can find a better balance for your relationship. As things stand, you're going to give in eventually and one of you is going to resent the other one long before marriage in years and years. Getting married because you're horny is no better. You need to find a way to deal with it together or you need to amend the decision together.
I think your age is very much an issue here. If you're younger (underage) my advice is a bit different.
If you're both middling teenagers then wait. You don't need to end up married at 18 and you don't need to be worrying about sex right now.
As it stands, no, your minds are not enough. Sex and attraction aren't all physical. Maybe not even mostly physical. Most of the wanting is coming from up top, so you need some rules if you want to stick with your decision. Maybe like a two foot neutral zone between pubic regions.
Keeping a decision like this is something that needs to be revisited somewhat often. You can't just assume he's OK, because if he knows you're steady and he's not he probably won't mention it. In your specific situation, wanting to have sex, not caring about waiting, and keeping it a secret is going to be damaging to how he feels about you.
You two need to be honest with each other. If either one starts hiding how they feel that's a surefire way to kill a relationship with resentment. Talk to him. Let him know you just want to know what's going through his head. Keep talking.
You're both going to question the decision. That's inevitable, there will be momentary lapses where one or the other of you just thinks "fuck it, let's do it." The trick is to talk about it regularly so that when one of you is weak, the other is strong. When you're inclined to shrug out of your clothes he can stop you, and vice versa. The only way you're going to be able to stop each other is if you've got those mutual talks to fall back on where you've both reaffirmed that you're waiting, that it's hard, but that you love each other enough to respect the decision even when you don't want to.
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Abstinence can be a very very tricky thing and your boyfriend is right your mind really has to be the thing that stops you from taking that step. The best thing that I think you should do is keep in mind WHY you have made the decision to be abstinent, keep going over it in your mind. Now its going to get really tough because if you are alone at all there is going to be temptation. You could also try avoiding the temptation, try to stay in groups, like watch tv in the living room, go out on group dates, etc.
It is great that you are making this decision, sex is a very very serious decision and should not be taken lightly. There are many things to take into consideration, stand strong in your decision and do not let yourself be pressured.
Hope I Helped & Good Luck :)
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