EnchantedSage's advice column | EnchantedSage's Advice About Friendship

For the past month or so, my best friend has been at soccer camp. There, she met a boyfriend, and from what I understand, they hang out together all day long.

I've been talking to her recently, and I noticed a change for the worse. Her new attitude towards life is "EFF it all".

School is starting soon, so I asked the typical "What are you going to wear for the first day?"
And her response was "I don't really give a crap. It doesn't matter. I'm just going to school to get good grades and do well in soccer".

That has basically been her response to any subject I have raised whether it be school, the people there, life. I commend her for being so determined, I guess, but I think she has a really bad attitude. And I want to talk about silly girl things, or where we want to go in life without getting a harsh "I don't give a crap." or the underlying belief

"I'm going to make the state soccer team, I don't care about other stupid teenagers. Just me and my boyfriend. No one understands me" etc. etc.

It is possible this could change when we actually get back to school since she her boyfriend lives across the country, and while she'll still play soccer, it's not 24/7.

What do I do? What can I do?

It may be that your friend is going through a really big adjustment period right now that she's struggling with. My advice is to be patient, be there for her to listen and offer support. It's possible that she will work through this on her own and be greatful that you didn't make a big deal out of it or write her off completely.

However, don't allow yourself to be her verbal punching bag and if her depressive and anti-social behavior escalates or continues on for an extended period of time, you may need to distance yourself eventually. Listen to your heart and follow your instincts. Best of luck to you.

Kind wishes,

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Ok for some reason when something goes missing, people blame me. Even in my own house. Like 2 years my best friends parents started to tell everyone in our naberhood(i know its not spelled right) i stole from there house because everytime i left something was missing. But Never in my life have i ever stole anything but 1 guys heart ;) And that doesnt count. And then my best friend started to hate me. Well then no one in the naberhood would hang out with me. And this was a white family and im half black..(no offence to anyone.) and then 4 months later, they found all that stuff. There dog hid it all. By then all the parents in the naberhood hated me. Well like today i was on a MMORPG i play. And one of my friends, the minute i logged on he was like "what the hell "Lacey" Give me back my account." and i was like what are you talking about? he was like "Someone was on my account and like 20 seconds after they logged out of my account you logged on." and i was like "no i didnt. i just got out of the shower." and he was like "i bet" so i got sick of it and i was like "back the hell off ok. I didnt do it." and im tried of being thought of as a theif. Because im clearly not. Then like 10 seconds later, his account logged back on. So it showed him it wasnt me. But if he accused me and hes never met me, and someone who knows my accused me, what is it im doing that makes people think im a theif? Is it because im half black? Is it because i have bad luck and im at the wrong place at the wrong time. And also thats how its always been. Im done. PLease tell nme what you think

Well I can certainly understand your frustration and although I don't have an exact explanation about what is happening, I do have some suggestions for you, in general. For whatever reason, things happened in the past (the dog for example) that put into your head and other people's heads that you are, at worst, a thief and at best, bad luck.

The bad luck thing can be tricky, because once we start to believe something negative about ourselves, it can grow and grow until we start to actually manifest bad luck in our lives and draw more negative experiences to us. Let me be clear. I AM NOT saying any of this is your fault, but I am saying that all you have power over is your own thoughts and feelings. You can decide - right now - today - that bad luck has no place in your life - that only good things, good people, good experiences are allowed in your life. If you believe it and focus on it (everyday), things will start to shift away from the negative. I know it sounds kooky, but what have you got to lose. Your thoughts are powerful and they can work for you or against you, so why not put them to good use.

As far as people feeling negatively about you because you are "half black" as you say, please know that anyone who feels that way is not worth your time, effort or your stress. However, it is important that YOU love yourself: all parts of you.

In short, if you keep yourself in a place of positivity (not allowing the negative in) and in a place of integrity (no lying, cheating or stealing) and in a place of empowerment (loving every part of yourself) - nobody can hurt you. If you keep yourself in this space, the right kind of friends will be drawn to you and those people with judgments and false accusations will just fall away, out of your life.

I know this was pretty heavy and I hope that you give it some thought. Best of luck to you.

Kind wishes,

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i'm not a nice person. dont give me advice like "omg just lyk act nice." yeah i think ive tried that before thanks.

so yesterday i went shopping all day with my mom. it was so much fun and i enjoyed it a lot. but then later that night her boyfriend came over, watched a movie with her, and slept over. so then the next day is mothers day (today) and im like "mom c'mon its mothers day. i dont want to spend mothers day with my mother and her boyfriend. i just want to spend it with my mother." actually i dont think i said that. it was more "why cant he leave" but whatever.
anyways she said thatd "itd be rude to say he cant come to brunch with us" so i unwillingly went to mothers day brunch with my mom and her boyfriend and i ignored them whenever they said anything to me and i figured hed leave after brunch. but no. then they went to go buy a grill while i stayed home watching will and grace.

so they came back from buying a grill like 3 or 4 hours later and my mom is like "whats wrong why wont you smile or talk" and i said "because i dont like your boyfriend. hes wasting your time." (they've been together for 6 years and he refuses to propose and i just think she deserves better.)

anyways so today me and my mom planned to see 'baby mama' because it seemed fitting for mothers day. well, i told her i didnt want to go. and then she asked what kind of pizza i wanted and i said i didnt want any.

its mothers day. and my mom deserves so much better. i should accept her boyfriend being here and just treat her nicely but i cant seem to do that.

sorry its so long but i thought the story needed to be said so you can see how awful i really am before you give me advice on what to do about my terrible attitude i always give people.

happy mothers day.

First, please stop beating yourself up. Yes, some of your reactions and behaviors were based on your own self interests, but -hello- that is something we are guilty of from time to time. The real growth as a human being comes when you realize your behavior is less than what you want to be and you strive to make an adjustment.

Based on what you have detailed in your question, the best advice I have for you is this: It is very easy to fall into the trap of seeing and "knowing" what is best for another person and then being frustrated and even hurt or insulted when they do not listen to or follow the path suggested by our "brilliant insight into their lives".

Everyone is on their own journey in this life. When it comes to our loved ones, we can counsel them, give our opinions and sometimes flat out hit them with the cold hard truth of their situations; but, ultimately, the best way to love someone is to support them, even when we don't agree with their decisions.

There are exceptions to this advice, of course. If a loved one is putting themselves or others in danger with their actions or decisions then certainly more than support may be required.

As far as your "terrible attitude" (as you put it): a bad attitude is an easy thing to fall into and is all about your perspective. When things annoy you, it's easy to look around your world with annoyed eyes and everything else will seem annoying too. As silly as it sounds, if you make an effort to see the positive aspect of even the most annoying things, when you look around at everything else in your life, you just might start to see the positive part of more and more. Your overall attitude will then begin to shift and your first reactions and responses will start to be ones that you can be proud of.

It's a process and you are not a perfect being - you are a human being. Best of luck to you.

Kind wishes,

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I can't seen to find one great friend for myself. I really have no one to go to to laugh with and share my secrets with and most importantly, to dream with. Almost all of the people at my school don't seem to really want to hang out with me. Everyone that I've had up to this point has either gone away or betrayed me. It hurts. I consider a true friend to be someone that you would lay down your life for and they'd do the same for you any day and I used to have one like that, but he's gone now. What do I do?
Love,
Shana

When you said you consider "a friend to be someone that you would lay down your life for and they'd do the same for you" it made me smile, because I used to have the same attitude about friendship in my youth. Sadly, that way of of thinking brought me more disappointment from betrayals and heartbreak than I care to recall. I'm not saying that you won't ever have people to share this level of friendship with, but it is a very high standard to hold someone to and most people you interact with will not measure up to it.

This may sound harsh and even a little negative, but let me assure you that I have many close friends and I'm not trying to be melodramatic, however, through experience, I have found that ultimately, the best person to look out for you and your well being is you and you alone. While you can be willing to ACCEPT kind gestures and expressions of friendship from others greatfully, it's better to never EXPECT it as something you deserve or what you are owed. These expectations usually only serve to cause frustration as most people will let you down by acting in their own best interests regardless of how it affects you.

The good news is that eventually, you will find those few special people who, over time, will prove themselves to be the kind of friends that will have your back in most situations, who will drop everything to come to your aid and who genuinely want only good things for you. These are the friends to cherish and these are the friendships to sacrifice yourself for as they have been willing to do for you.

In the meantime, while you are waiting for these "true" friends to arrive in your life, focus on ways to find fulfillment internally. If you like to write, you can start journalling, or even more fun, dream journalling. If you are a reader, pick topics that interest you and make a commitment to find materials on those subjects to read about and expand your knowledge. There are tons of things you can do to work on your own self development. And as a bonus, spending time developing your internal self is likely to draw to you the kinds of people that you would be interested in developing friendships with.

The bottom line is that I admire your feelings of dedication toward friends; however, I believe it might be better for you to not expect so much from others. Then, you can be pleasantly surprised when someone returns your level of care and commitment but not bitterly disappointed when people don't measure up. Best of luck to you.

Kind wishes,

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(I asked this question to everyone before, but I have certain favorite columnists so I'll just ask them now)
Okay, well, there's a guy I know from MSN who I've been talking to for about a year now, friend of a friend, never met him in person. Last year we mentioned that it might be interesting to actually meet, though he did think that it might be a little awkward, but twice our plans got screwed up one way or another so we just dropped the subject. I didn't speak to him all summer because his computer broke down, and when he came back on I thought maybe I'd mention our idea again. He said he thought it might still be weird, but I said we should give it a try anyway because there was nothing to lose. He agreed and even suggested a place we could meet. A few weeks later, on a Friday, I said how about Sunday and he said yes, but we didn't decide on a time or anything, and come Sunday I didn't see him online until the late afternoon and he didn't even bring up our half-made plans. Anyway, the point of all this is that I really don't know what to do, whether I should keep trying or not. I really want to meet him because I like his personality but for all I know he finds me annoying. I don't know whether to let it go for another while so as not to seem desperate, or if I should just confront him and ask him to just tell me whether he wants to meet me or not so I can go from there. I really don't want to sound pushy. Sorry this was so long, but any advice would help. Thanks.
P.S.:Before I got answers about being careful because i don't know him. This is true, but I'm just telling you now that there's no need to worry about him being some old perv, I know 2 of his friends and random people who went to school with him, he ain't armed or dangerous, folks. :)

First, let me say that I know it is a powerful feeling when you are drawn to someone and sense a real connection with them. I understand your desire to take things to the next level which, in your mind, involves meeting each other face to face.

However, it seems to me that either your timing is "cosmicly off" on this situation (which could be the universe telling you it's not meant to be), or perhaps your on-line friend (we'll call him "MSN") simply wants to keep the relationship on-line. You have listed several times where the opportunity should have been there for you two to meet and it didn't occur because of his lack of follow-up. Some people really don't do well with direct confrontation of any kind and instead of just telling it to you straight, he might be using subtle hints to show that he is not ready to meet you in person and possibly never will be.

That doesn't mean that MSN does not value your friendship and want to keep you in his life. There are all kinds of healthy non-traditional relationships and there is nothing that says that the two of you have to follow any "standard protocol" for what the next step might be for you.

At the same time, if you have developed feelings for MSN beyond friendship and are finding that you are turning away from opportunities for relationships in your day-to-day life because you are waiting for something to develop between you and MSN, then I think you are being unfair to yourself. If this is the case, in your best interest, you should be honest with him and let him to know that you can no longer be his internet buddy only.

If, however, you can be content to continue your current on-line friendship without sacrificing your own feelings, then I say let things stay the same. MSN might just be nervous and if he's not pressured, in time, he might realize that he's ready to meet you no matter how awkward it might be. Since he is the one who is showing hesitancy, I would let him deal with it in his own time and leave the next move up to him. If someday he decides he wants an in-person relationship with you and you are already in one with another guy, then it will be his loss. In the meantime, you still have a good on-line friend. Best of luck to you.

Kind wishes,

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My best friend's boyfriend was beating the shit out of her.. he made her give him head in front of his friends or else he'd beat the shit out of her.. she had bruises and i saw them.. she told me about it.. i tried talking to her and him.. she tried talking to him.. it was never gonna end.. so i talked to tara (a school counsler) with 2 other people.. and we told them what we have seen and what was going on.. now she blames me.. and only me.. she said i ruined her life and she hates me.. she said that i blew it out of proportion and her lame fucking excuse for it was that he gets worried about her and then he gets angry so like when ur so angry u wanna hit someone that's what he does.. hello but am i the only one who doesn't hit my signifigant other when i'm pissed off?? i just don't know if i did the right thing.. i love her so much she's my best friend and i'd do nething for her and i just felt like this whole thing with her boyfriend was waaay out of control and i couldn't do nething more to help! i had to tell someone.. i dunno but i feel like killing myself and i dunno what to do... first i wanna go kill him.. then i'll kill myself.. sounds like the best plan to me but ya know there are people who actually care about him surprisingly and i couldn't never kill neone but that's beyond the point.. i dunno what to do about my friend and meanwhile it's throwing me in a hole i can't get out of and i just dunno what to do.. please help :'(

The bottom line is that your best friend's boyfriend was abusing her - plain and simple. You did the only thing you could do to try and protect her as someone who loves and cares about her. There is no way that you could have done nothing and there is no way that you should have done nothing.

Now here's the part that sucks. Even though you did the right thing, you have no control over her reaction. Obviously, she is not ready to make the changes she needs to make in her life to keep her safe, and you can't force that on her. Eventually, she will probably realize that this guy is an abuser and get away from him. The sad reality is that she may never let herself see that what you did was for her own good and you may never get the "thank you" that you deserve. All you can do is stand your ground and continue to explain to her that you did what you did because you care about her and you will be there for her if and when she needs you. It doesn't seem fair, I know, but hold your head high because you've done nothing wrong. Best of luck to you.

Kind wishes,

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All my friend has been doing lately is complaining. Not to be stuck up or anything but things are going a little better for me than they are for her lately and shes tryen to bring me down with her so we can share being upset all the time . On the fone she doesnt stop complaining I just want to hang up on her. I dont want to be rude to her about this but im just so sick of listening to her complain. PLEASE help!

It is certainly no fun to be around someone spouting negativity all of the time. I understand your frustration. The old saying that "misery loves company" is certainly true and while your friend is probably not consciously trying to bring you down, that is what is happening, nonetheless. However, it is important as her friend to be there for her during a tough time.

Sometimes, simply being positive in the face of negativity can help to turn things around. So, when she is whining and complaining, you could point out to her where things in her life aren't as bad as they might seem and talk about all of the things she has going for her. It might be just the nudge she needs to change her tune. Also, it never hurts to hear a pep talk from a good friend.

However, you are right to be concerned because being around someone who refuses to be anything but negative, can really bring you down and burn you out. So, do your best to help her come around and be patient with her, but if she stays on her negativity binge, you might have to talk to her more directly. Explaining to her how that kind of thinking will only bring that kind of reality into her life and that you want good things for her and worry that she'll never get them with her current attitude is one way of being direct without being too harsh. During your conversation, if you make it about her, instead of about you (even though she's driving you crazy), she'll probably be less likely to get defensive and upset.

Whatever you decide to do, don't feel guilty that things are going well for you. Keep a positive attitude because it's contagious, and being happy and emotionally healthy not only helps you, but ultimately it benefits everyone that comes in contact with you. Best of luck to you.

Kind wishes,

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I always feel left out and out of place and I always wonder what life would be like without me. I know I have friends who love me but I always end up thinking what would happen if i died... would it make a big difference? I especially wonder what my ex-boy friend would say ... I just want to feel needed, someone who will love me back ... some how when i have a boy friend or someone close to me i feel like i have a purpose ... is that normal ... to want to be needed?

First, I believe it is normal to wonder what would happen if you died. A lot of people have thoughts like this. It's natural to want to feel important to someone (or needed as you put it). I think you should keep in mind though that there is no way for you to comprehend the impact that you have already had on this world and even bigger, the impact you are going to have in the future.

Every interaction that you have with people makes an impact on our world. I know that it feels good to have someone close to you and to feel needed, but please remember that even when you don't have a boyfriend, there are people all around you every day that could benefit from your smile, your shoulder to lean on, or your random acts of kindness. Trust me, you are needed. I know it's tough to get past the sappiness of my message, but if you make a little effort every day to put out positive energy into this crazy world, you will be amazed by what you will ultimately get back in return.

To sum up: there is nothing abnormal about the thoughts you are having, but don't forget that you are an important piece of a big and complex puzzle and there would be a huge void without you. Best of luck to you.

Kind wishes,

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my best friend's mom hates me! last night she listened into our convo on the phone then ally (bff) called back and told me that we weren't allowed to be friends anymore then her mom told me that she listened and didn't appreciate what i said about her(i don't like her) and she hung up. i started crying really hard for like five minutes, then ally called back again and said that her mom said that she crossed theline by listening in and that we could be friends as long as i don't go over to ally's house. it makes me feel better, but i still can't get it out of my head. i still want to be friends with her, but i don't want to deal with her mom. what should i do??!?!?!?!?!?!?

I think that the most important thing to remember is that your best friend's Mom is not just a mom, she is also a person. So, although she did "cross the line" by listening in to your conversation, as a human being it is never fun to hear someone saying bad things about you. And while her inital decision that you couldn't be friends was, indeed, harsh, at least she reconsidered and was able to recognize her overreaction.

If you are okay with being in your friend's life without going to her house, then I think you should consider yourself lucky that her Mom changed her mind at all. If you want to be welcome in your best friend's house again, then perhaps you could write a letter to her Mom apologizing for disrespecting her.

You don't have to be fake and say things that you don't mean, but you could state that you know you need to show her respect as Ally's mother and that you regret any upset you may have caused to her and to Ally. If you are sincere and you are a good friend to her daughter, chances are you can win her over and she will eventually accept your apology and welcome you back into her home. But don't forget... it is HER home and she does have the right to expect to be shown respect and treated with courtesy while you are in it (no matter what you really think of her). Best of luck to you.

Kind wishes,

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Hi my name is Jess i have this really really close guy friend who has been my friend since 1st grade now he has a g/f and i dont like him but for some reason i feel jealous. Could anyone tell me y im jealous?

It's a natural response to feel jealous of your friend's new relationship, even if you are not romantically interested. If you have been friends since first grade, then you undoubtedly have a close connection with this guy. On some level, his new relationship is a potential threat to your friendship with him (the time you spend together, the amount of attention he is able to give you, etc.) However, you should strongly resist the temptation to sabatoge things with this new girl. You may have influence over him, but if he feels like you are abusing his friendship or manipulating him, you may end of losing your friend altogether. The best you can do is be supportive of him and try to find ways to stay in his day-to-day life without intruding on his new relationship. There will come a time when you have a new love in your life and will want to focus all your time and attention on your boyfriend, but ultimately, you will want your "friend since first grade" to be there for you when you need him. So, show him that same respect now. Your feelings of jealousy are natural but you can control whether or not they get the best of you. Best of luck to you.

Kind wishes,

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