Dear Readers:
I think my life experience is what qualifies me to write this column. I made every mistake imaginable. But have learned from them. Most important I still remember what it was like to be 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. Currently I am a single mom, I have two wonderful boys. One in college. We are all happy emotionally. We love life, and know that you can too. I try to be the kind of parent that understands. I know that I can help you to understand where you parents are coming from, and help you get over the difficulties of being young. You can even have your parents write to me and I will help them to get over their fears and at least respect you and your feelings. I have been married and divorced twice, so I have experience in that field also. But now I own my own home, and my own business and am successful. Lots of luck to you! Hope to hear from you.
Website: Ask Michele
E-mail: cobweb2@comcast.net
Gender: Female
Location: Connecticut
Occupation: accountant, internet marketing, creative writing
Age: 56
Member Since: March 22, 2005
Answers: 1331
Last Update: June 20, 2010
Visitors: 84139
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Let me first start by giving you a little back ground information. My ex wife became pregnant when she was 20 and I was 19. Even though it was earlier than we both expected to become parents, we were thrilled and so excited to start our family together. We got married shortly after she gave birth to our son Matt. Soon after that, we had another son, and then a daughter. From my perspective, everything was great. That's why I was so blindsided when my wife came to me 9 months after our daughter was born claiming she wasn't ready to settle down and be a mother with divorce papers in her hand. Almost overnight, I became a 23 year old single father with a 4 year old, 2 year old, and a 9 month old. After the divorce was final, I rarely heard from my ex wife. She had begun living a life that I didn't necessarily approve of filled with drugs and alcohol and, while I wanted to keep my children as far away from that as possible, she was their mother and I didn’t feel like I could entirely keep them away from her. The last straw, however, came when I let my daughter, Alyssa, (who was 6 at the time) stay with her when I took my sons on a hunting trip. I was supposed to pick her up at noon the Sunday we got back. I spent the entire afternoon calling my ex wife’s apartment with no answer. At 5 that afternoon, I finally just went over to her house where I found her front door wide open and her passed out on the couch from mixing a few too many drugs with alcohol. Her neighbor came over to the apartment and told me that my ex wife had taken Alyssa out one night and come home completely plastered. Thank god her neighbor had woken up and decided to take Alyssa back to her apartment. And this is just one example of many. After that, I told my ex wide that I didn’t want her to see our kids anymore which devastated her so much she entered rehab. She got clean and for the past ten years has seen the kids a few times despite my hesitance. My kids and I have been living a great life together away from my ex wife. A few years ago I began dating another woman whom I am now engaged too. She gets along great with my kids and is an amazing person who I know will be a good influence on my kids’ lives. My oldest son Matt is now in college, but Colton (my middle son) and Alyssa still live with me. Since I have become engaged, my ex wife has become crazy about spending time with the two of them. She wants them at her house every weekend and doesn’t want my fiancé to parent them at all. She is trying to tell my daughter all kinds of lies about why she left, and how I am a horrible person for trying to keep them from seeing her. She tells her that the entire thing was my fault and all kinds of horrible rumors about my fiancé, who went to high school with my ex wife. She has asked both of my kids to move in with her. Colton told her absolutely not, but Alyssa is confused about the whole situation and doesn’t know what she should do. I have full custody of them so essentially it is my choice about whether or not she can see them. I don’t want to take them away from my ex wife, but I don’t want to lose them myself. I am still worried that she will resort back to her old ways and put my kids in danger like she has their whole lives. Am I right to not let my daughter move in with her mom? (link)
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OH yes, no please do not let her move in with her mother. If you do, your daughter will find out the hard way that her mom's intentions are not to be the best mom she can be, but to aleviate the pain she is feeling from seeing you in a committed relationship, happy, and providing stability to your mutual children. The fact that she knows your finance from the past does not help. While your ex may be clean and sober, she has not grown emotionally at all. And is feeling that she is about to loose the only thing in life that she has left, and that is the love and affection of her children.
But you are emotionally stable enough to see that your children's emotional well being is more important than your ex-wife salvaging the remnants of her role as a mother. The best thing she can do is apologize to the three children and move on from there but only in the direction of being trustworthy and responsible, and putting her children first and not her emotions.
So you have to do what is right for your children. AND you have to be the BAD GUY. And it would be easy for me to say that SOME DAY they will understand. And the good news is that they will, but be prepared for a lot of emotional upheval until that day comes. It could take years.
When you catch the ex, trying to undermine your authority and your parenting, or even that of your finance, defend yourself, but don't be critical. No name calling. It serves no purpose. Always be above board in your dealings with her, so that your kids see that your are safe and stable and normal, and she can only provide instability. You can do it in a way without being mean and vindictive. Just stick to the facts.
I hope this helps, and I wish you luck. It will all be better some day. We all go through problems with our children. We all experience a few years when we wish we had never had children and they think we are the worst parents in the whole world. But it will pass and all will be OK. Keep your eye on the future and do the right thing.
Michele
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My 16 year old son began using drugs about a year ago. After several groundings, I told him to either follow the rules or he would have to go live with his father (what I assumed to be the ultimate punishment...and that he would be back and ready to follow my rules withing a few days.) He has now been living with his father for two months and will not speak to me because I "kicked him out." I miss him. His father and I do not speak so I don't know if he's getting the help he needs. What should I do? (link)
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You have to take an active role in finding out what your son is up to. Can you go to his school? Stop by where he works. You know him well enough, maybe when you see him, you'll see whether or not he is taking drugs or not. He may be sixteen, but if living with his dad is not keeping him out of trouble, then you have a right to get him back whether he likes it or not. This is not about being friends with your son, or getting him to like you. It is about making sure he grows up right, and doesn't make the kinds of mistakes that will follow him the rest of his life. You are on the right track with your thinking....now it is time for action. You have rights, You are the parent, and he is a minor.
Figure out a way to get him to talk to you. If he is mad at you, then he must miss you too. Think about it, you'll come up with something. Invite him to dinner at his favorite place. Call him up and don't say, come to dinner with me, Call and say I am picking you up at such and such a time, be ready, we are going to have a bite to eat. That's all, one dinner. He can tolerate you for one dinner. and he probably misses you too.
During the conversation, you have to acknowledge his anger. "I know you are mad at me, and I understand why". Then tell him your reasons. If they sound lame, or if you made mistake, then admit it. Kids really respond to parents when they admit they made a mistake. If you want him back home, then tell him the door is open. BUT there are still rules that he has to obey. He may miss you and his friends from that neighborhood enough that he may even be glad to stop taking drugs, just so he can come home.
Look you and his father don't speak. So what you have taught your son is: this is how we deal with problems, and unresolved issues. We don't talk about them, we ignore them and we ignore each other. So he is learning well. Time to change the way you handle things. No you don't have to talk to the ex, you have to talk to him. Corner him if you have to to get his attention, and just say. Let's get a pizza. Then be happy and smily and bright and talk about what you have been doing first, then ask him. Try to find out what about his dad may be annoying him. (you know theres got to be something!!) and get him to open up.
He is only 16, I think he misses you too.
Please make this happen.
- Michele
PS: Mother of two boys who doesn't talk to their dad either. Now 23 and 19, and we are close, but there have been times when we didn't talk, but things are great now. Good Luck to you.
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what age should i give my baby meats and other foods my sons 1 year old and i dont want to give something to him that will harm him at this age please someone answer (link)
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Well the thing you should be worried about at this age is choking. Does he have teeth yet. Maybe just the front ones coming in. But that is for biting, not for chewing. YOu can try the strained meats in the baby food jar. Or you can cut things soooo small that he couldn't possible choke on them. He does need the protein and vitamins and iron that meat and chicken provide, that is why baby food company's make strained meats. If you think he would enjoy real chicken or meat you must cut it up very very small. YOu might try a macaroni dish with tomato sauce and some chopped meat cooked into it. Because plain meat kinda doesn't have much flavor. I can remember giving my son turkey hot dogs but I cut it up into very very very small pieces. About the size of a rice krispy. He kinda of picked it up with his fingers, but for the most part the hot dog pieces stuck to his fingers, but he managed to get them into his mouth and he liked them. Have you tried cherrios yet. Those are easy to swallow. They contain protein and are made with whole grain today. It is fun to watch them eat them. Even chicken, if you can get it cut up small enough, they can eat it. Nothing larger than a rice krispy or cherrio.
You should try just one new food a week, so you can watch for allergic reactions.
Hey thanks for the memory, it's been 20 years!
It was nerve wracking being a new mom. You'll be fine. Good luck to you.
Michele
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I am 42 and I just recently got married to a woman I have known my entire life but we both got married to other people shortly after high school. She has three teenage daughters Sam is 19 Meagan is 18 and Audree is 16. Their father left them shortly after my wife had her youngest daughter and so she has raised them all by herself. They have always been pretty affluent because my wife's family has quite a bit of money and she is a magazine editor. She lets the girls get away with murder and they get everything rthey could possibly even dream of wanting. I have a very big issue with this since my three sons (19 18 aand 17) are expected to follow very strict rules. I was in the army for several years and my children are expected to abide by my rules or face the consequences.
The girls however are completely out of control, especially the youngest one, Audree. My wife and i both agreed on a curfew for the all six kids when they moved in. She convinced me to change the curfew of my sons to be midnight for all of the kids. I agreed but with hesitation. Like always before my kids have always gotten here on time or before their curfew while her daughters completely disregard the rules. For example, Audree was late for curfew 4 times out of the 7 days last week. My wife didn't even talk to her about it. When i confronted her al she said was "She is only 16. I think we should just let her live her life." I found out the other day that her girls have never been grounded, never had acurfew, and are very open about teh fact that they go to parties and drink. Sam has gotten in 4 accidents since she has lived here, and Meagan has her boyrfriend over all the time without supervision, all things i dont tolerate from my own kids. Audree came home in tears the other night because she got a ticket for driving 19 MILES OVER THE SPEED LIMIT! My wife just hugged her and tried to calm ehr down the entire night and i never heard a single word about the ticket, which i had to pay for sicne none of her kids have jobs. I almost feel as if she is condoning this outrageous behavior since she never repremands her kids. I don't know how to explain to my kids about thsi double standard in our house but i feel like i can't interfere quite yet with her disiplining (or lack there of)since i am not their real father and have only been in their lives for 3 years. I just don't know how much more of this disrepect i can take from them. They are beautiful girlsand i love them like my own. I wish i could treat them this way though. I feel like i owe it to them to lay down the law and punsih them for things like curfew and partying and bad grades but i dont know if it will just put more stress on our relationship that could eventually cause tension between my wife and I. How should i handle this? (link)
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Well thanks for leaving me a question. I am sorry that you didn't leave your name though. Since you are an adult, I would like to address you by your name. I call the young kids honey but doesn't seem right in this case.
I am sorry for your problems too. This is a very big dilemma. First let me start by saying that I would be considered by most to be a lax mom. But I trust my two boys so I don't give them a lot of rules. They have proven to be trustworthy, and I usually know where they both are. I KNOW that they do not drink or take drugs. Both are against it. They have never gotten tickets. They drive responsibly. Are employed. In other words, they are growing into responsibe young men. I always hear good things about them from teachers and employers. I am sure it is like that also with your boys.
I can tell you this, if your wife were my friend, I would have told her a long time ago that she was asking for trouble by not dicipling those girls. Girls are tough and personally, I am glad that I had boys. As you know, girls can get in trouble and be left holding the bag and she and her parents (in this case you and your wife) have to deal with the problems. Your wife is not being realistic about raising these girls. By indulging their every whim, they will grow up to believe that life will always give them what they want. And you and I both know that this is not true. (Hey if there is a place were we can go and get all that we want, I'm going first!Right!)
When the girls act whiney and spoiled and have a fit when they don't get their own way ...friends will dump them, so will boyfriends, marriages won't last, and God forbid they have kids and raise more whiney brats just like themselves. And guess who will be stuck taking care of them, you guys, of course. The girls are already making poor decisions, and not having to suffer the consequences of their poor decisions, means that they are not learing from their mistakes. And the way things are going, they are going to be making some big ones. Going to parties and drinking is just asking for trouble today. I can;t tell you how many times on this website I have advised girls who did just that, and woke up next day, no clothes on, and have no idea what happened, who they were with, and whether or not they are pregnant, or still virgins, etc, etc. And they don't want to tell anyone, they just want to forget. Hopefully they can.
Listen you already know all of this. I am not helping you by confirming your worst fears. But I want you to know that I am on your side, but mostly I am on the side of those boys. While I am worried about the girls, you are the parent that is asking for advice, so I can only help you.
I was in this same spot, my second marriage which, I was sure was going to be forever, lasted less than 2 years. Why, for just about the same reasons. Bottom line was, that the marriage was not good for my boys, so I knew that I had to place their needs before my own.
Here is what I suggest. I think the two of you should go into therapy. IN front of a therapist, and faced with the possibility that her marriage (2nd one) could end, maybe she will agree to some rules at home that you and her can live with, and that your boys are used to, and that the girls will have to learn to live with. And I agree it is for their own good. (sounds so corney) I would find it hard to believe that a family therapist would condone your wife's child rearing practices. Maybe she can help her to see that her daughters are headed for heartaches and trouble that all the money in the world will not be able to get them out of. Or all the love.
You say that you do not want a divorce and well I would venture to guess that your wife does not want a second divorce either. So maybe she will be willing to go see a family therapist.
Your boys have to come first in your life. If you see this as being detrimental to their futures, you have to make the decision to leave. Can you stay married and just live apart for a while? Stranger things have happened. But still, for the rest of your lives, when your boys do good, you'll feel like to have to hide it, and when her girls make mistakes, you'll feel like you can't say anything. I wonder why none of this was obvious to you before you got married?
As a parent YOU are responsible for raising responsible, reliable and resourceful young men who respect themselves and other people. Who are honest, charitable, kind and generous. Your wife is responsble for the same things with the girls. I am sorry that she cannot see that, if you cannot help her to see that, then you must think of your boys first. I know that we love our spouses differently. It's romantic. And as parents, sposes, whatever, we are adults. We will pay the consequences of our actions. One way or the other. But kids, if they don't grow up responsibly, then the parents end up paying for their mistakes for many many many years.
There are so many things about your marriage and relationship within the household that I do not know, and will have a bearing on what your next step is. But if you really want to save this marriage and your boys, and the girls, then I think family therapy is in order.
I hope you can find a way to make that happen. It is worth a try. And it shows how much you do love all of them. Good luck to you. Please write again if you have more questions.
Michele.
RESPONSE TO YOUR FEEDBACK:
Ryan, raising girls is no different than raising boys. What would you have done different if you had three girls instead of three boys? You have the right idea. So go for it. It is very important that your wife back you up. You HAVE to show a united front. The girls will try to get between the two of you. You can count on their NOT LIKING the changes. And no you don't yell at them, you should never have to yell at them. That would mean that you lost control, which would mean that you don't have confidence in your rules and the reasons for them. You both have the upper hand if you choose to use it. You hold all the cards, you just have to be willing to put up with some whineing and complaining for a while.
So, no yelling. Stay calm and keep your word. Don't create punishments that you are not willing to follow through on. In other words don't say you are grounded for the whole summer, if you are not going to actually ground them for the whole summer. If a weekend is all YOU can tolerate then that is what you tell them. What I always tell my boys or tell myself, is you'll thank me for this when you are older And Ryan, you can count on that. It is going to be harder now, but it will be smooth sailing later, when they are mature and realize that you did it for their benefit. It takes time and patience. And count on this, as they get older, their mistakes can become very costly So you guys have to put an end to the impulsive behavior now. GEt each girl a copy of Dr. Laura Schlessingers book: Ten stupid things that girls to to mess up their lives. It is full of common sense. I have read that court judges make this required reading for girls who end up in court. Don't let your wife say you are being to hard. And Ryan, don't be too hard, be fair. And trust is very important. When they break the trust that you have for them, they have to earn it back. You both also have to be trust worthy, say what you mean and mean what you say, and do what you say, and say what you do.
I hope this helps further.
Michele
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ok so my mom is soo overprotective and i dont know what to do. here are some examples, she looks over my shoulder and reads what im typing to my friends on aim, if i say liike "wow today was so much fun" so one of my friends, my mom would be like "Why, what did you do today?" oh my gosh all the time and then i was looking at myspace layouts and she saw one[the myspace layouts on the internet are just previews, so they have TOM on the top 8. and my mom is like who is that man? im like oh my gosh its the owner of myspace, he is always on there. like ughhh she wonders why im always upset, and its because she doesnt trust me. she says its not a trust issue, but all of the apove, pretty much spells it out. theres other things she does but i dont know please help me, what should i do? (link)
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WEll here are some suggestions. The other advisors are correct your mom is trying to protect you, and some day you'll do the same thing for your daughter. So don't be to hard on her. But these suggestions may help.
First she needs to trust you, that may take time,(she may trust you, but doesn't trust other people) she also needs to know that you are level headed enough to avoid trouble. Some girls go looking for trouble. I am sure you do not, but she is not convinced that you would know the difference if someone were leading you on, or intent on hurting you. First, before she has to ask you how your day was. Tell her. Tell her so much information, that before long she's holding her hands on her ears and yelling STOP! Information, makes parents feel that they know what is going on in their kids lives. Because NOT KNOWING can make parents feel really guilty. One good thing to do, when a student at school does something really stupid, share it with her. Tell her how you ALSO think it was realy stupid of that student to do that. This will tell her that you have more sense than most girls your age. As she begins to trust you more, and you'll know because she will be behaving like she trusts you more, then when she is budding in, or looking over your shoulder, it is ok to say, hey don't you trust me? And maybe she will back off. Because parents do NOT want to invade your privacy, and they won't if they know you behave sensibly. Here is the one problem though, if you break the rules, and your parents find you....you have to start over. You don't get to keep the trust that you earned. That is the price you pay for violating their trust. I believe that kids should have their privacy, But they need enough information about what to avoid out there, in order to stay out of trouble. As long as my boys are behaving sensibly, I stay out of their way. And they are very good kids. I hope this helps.
Michele
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I'm going to enter junior high soon and my friends and I have decidded to change our appearance a bit. I decided to highlight my hair with a few black strips(nothin' goth or anything. It would just bring out my eyes better). So I asked my mom and she said no because she didn't want me to turn emo or somethin'. She rejected my idea before I got a chance to tell her my reasons. How can I convince her to let me highlight my hair? (link)
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WEll, try this. Tell her that you want her to think about it, and that you will ask her again at the end of the summer, before school starts. Then spend the summer acting very mature, and very grown=up. So that she trusts you. Stay out of trouble, and be mature about everything. when one of your friends or an aquaintance from school does something stupid and gets in trouble, tell her about it. It will make her think that you also think the behavior is stupid and that you wouldn't try it. (hopefully this is true.) My son had a purple mohawk during high school, and I didn't mind because he was always honest, always responsible, and got very good grades in school. No I didn't like the mohawk, but what could I say. He never gave me a moments worry in any other area, so how could I say no.? His acting responsbile bought him my trust and much more freedom. He shaved it off when he started college (thank goodness, ha,ha.)
Michele
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please do not delete this .. i am not trying to make you look bad i just need to know this to link your answer to my own life. as a mother, have you ever lied to your children? (besides little lies like Santa Claus)
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I didn't even lie about santa claus. I just used to say that Moms and Dads help Santa bring gifts to kids. There is one thing I lie about and that is my experience as a teenager with drugs and alcohol and sex. Well personally I don't think it's any of their business. And I didn't do a lot ofthose things, in other words I didn't abuse them, but like a lot of kids from the 60's I experimented. A lot of kids that I went to school with are dead today though because of drugs or AIDS from sharing needles. I grew up in Milford CT which was actually mentioned in some books from those days about the drug culture as being a stopping point between NY and Boston for buy and sell drugs. So there was plenty around.
I have two boys, and well I guess they don't ask that many questions of their mom. It have been different if I had a daughter. I don't believe in sugar coating things though. I tell my kids the facts when they ask. I believe in answering questions with the truth. They know how I feel about drugs now, and young teens experimenting with sex. I never told my kids that NO, NO, NO, NO. I like to believe that I told them well if you do.....this is what can happen. And when a person we knew, got themselves in trouble, I would share the information with them, even if it was upsetting. A girl friend of mine her son, when he was 19, got his girlfriend pregnant. She wantd to abort the baby. My girlfriend, being a devout catholic, wanted to raise the child herself She begged her not to abort it. But of course it is the mothers choice. She cried, we both cried. I knew how bad she felt. I shared the incident with my boys so that they could understand the emotions that are involved and how traumatic it can be, for just a few minutes of pleasure (before you are ready to handle the consequences) can be devastating for the rest of someone's life.
I guess what I really want to get across to kids here today on this column, is that sure, anything goes, when you are mature enough to handle it. So that mean, if you are going to have sex, you are on birth control. If you are going to drink, then you must be of legal age and not be driving. These are laws that adults have to live with, and kids want to be "grown up" so bad, but they don't take responsibility. I really went on and on, sorry about that. Please feel free to ask me anything you like.
Michele
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I feel a bit immature on this web site partly because I got it from my fourteen year old daughter. I was looking aroung for older advice givers and you imarticular caught my eye. You have written to my daughter, Jacey. It is most likely because of you what happened on Saturday. For the first time since my son's death I visited Jacey's softball tourniment. I felt she needed me to be there for her. She didn't need me. Jacey is strong. You probably know that from writing to her. I needed her. I needed to be her mother again. Never have I seen her with so much intesity and heart. We stayed out on those fields until midnight. If it sounds crazy, it is. My daughter is a catcher and she plays with girls who are about a year to two years older than her. It looks like it too. She is deffinetly the smallest one. The firt three games she started catching in the heat, and under all that gear she has to wear I bet she gets hot. The fourth game she wasn't feeling well, but the coach played her anyway after the starting catcher ran out of energy. JAcey told him she couldn't play because she was exhasted, but he didn't listen ansd stuck her in. She started looking really bad. By the seventh inning between every pitch she had to take off her helmet and throw up. Finally I went to speak to the coach. "Take her out." I demanded. "She's the best on the team we can't do that." Then I lost it. I called her over and pulled her out myself. We went to a twenty four hour doctor at about two am and he said she was about thirty minutes away from a heat stroke. While we were waiting she actually fell asleep in my lap. It's not much, but it's a lot to me. I know she has been through a lot. I know she is handling her brother's death surprisingly well. The thing that bothers me is that she seems like she wants to forget him. I just want her to open up to me the way she opened up to you. You're a total stranger and I am her mother. I know it's easier for her to talk to someone she doesn't know. It's easier for me too. One thing Jacey doesn't understand is how much she is like me. But another thing is how she is not. Like myself Jacey knows who she is, but unlike myself she is a total rebel. She listens, I know she does. She can, she just doesn't. Jacey is going to be somebody someday. She's going to change the world. I want her to know this. She is so smart. Everybody loves her. ONe day she'll realize what she was meant to do, but not now. For now I just want her stay the beautiful fourteen year old she is and live life like it's her last day. And she does, she just doesn't know it yet. (link)
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Dear Jacey's Mom,
I am so glad that you wrote. I have been thinking about Jacey a lot. I was glad to connect with her, and it did seem that I helped. ANd like you said, at least she opened up to someone. You had me going there for a minute, I thought something awful had happened to jacey, and it almost did, Thank God that you were there, and thank God for 24 hours emergency doctors. That coach needs to be informed of how ill suited he is to being a coach. Jacey's throwing up should have been the first clue, and it should have ended there.
When Jacey wrote me she told me that she had finally cried, she cried and felt good about it. But she was afraid to cry again. I told her that maybe now is a good time for her to talk with you. Maybe she could sort out her emotions a little better. She told me that she can't talk to you because you will cry and she did not want make you cry. This is not unusual. Many of us are afraid to approach someone who has lost a loved one so tragically for fear that something we might say will remind them of their loss, and then we will have been responsible for reminding them and making them feel bad. But I have spoken with people who have lost someone and while they say nothing can make them feel better....being ostracized by family and friends, makes them feel worse. I guess it is human nature. I, personally, have learned to overcome this. I seek out friends and aquaintences who have lost loved ones, and I get them to talk about the loved one, and before you know it, they are reliving fond memories and we are laughing, a little. I think of it as a gentle nudge on the path of mourning.
Everything you said about Jacey is true. She is going to be someone someday. She does have a lot of heart, and she realizes how special she is. ANd what you said gave me a clue as to why it seems to you, that she wants to forget him.
You have raised Jacey to be the awsome 14 year old that she is. You have told her that she is special, you have told her that she is going to accomplish something. She has seen the proof in her performance, in her school work, and in the way that adults praise her and you all see something special in Jacey. So in her mind, before the tragic death of your son, she knew she was on her way to having this great, awsome, wonderful life and that she has the potential to make a name for herself in whatever avenue she chooses. And her age, being 14, makes that all the more important that
1. she not miss a step.
2. she sees kids around her who are just interested in going to the mall and meeting boys and talking trash, so that makes her goals all the more imporant.
3. And she is a little self-centered.
But every person who is successful in life, from atheletes like Tiger Woods to billionaires like Bill Gates were a little self centered. It is not a deterant. It is a plus. But her young age and immaturity keeps her from realizing that she is going to reach her goals.
With the untimely death of her brother, she is afraid that she will not get to do all of the things she wants to do.
At your age, you can put life on auto pilot and mourn, and once you are ready, you can pick up where you left off, and then your sorrow will be held inside you, the visible signs will be gone.
Jacey doesn't know how to put things on autopilot. She may have the capability, but the reasoning that goes with it, that will put it in a comfort zone for her, has not developed yet. ANd it may be that kind of reasoning comes with age. BOttom line is, Jacey is afraid that she is not going to get to have the life, that was promised to her if she did all that was asked of her, and put her heart into everything.
And damn, that would suck. It happended to her brother, why not her? Why should she get to cheat fate, when he didn't.
What she needs from you, but not until you are ready, is to know that she is still capable of reaching all her goals, and well, can you assure her, or guarantee her that life won't cheat her also? Of course not, but you can tell her the you will do everything in your power to see that she gets to realize her dreams. And you did just that the night of the game. I am so glad that she fell asleep in your lap.
I think you are both on the correct path. I feel much less anxious for jacey now. I know that it is hard for you, and you are not really ready to just turn off that awful pain, but you have another child, and you know that you don't want to loose her. I am glad that you realized it. This has the potential to make the to of your even closer, and when those days come that you want to think about and have conversations about your son, Jacey will be the person you can talk to about him and both share some wonderful memories, you will both understand where the other is coming from.
It is ok to tell jacey that your mad, that this whole things sucks, and that your whole being is consumed with sorrow. She will listen, and some day when she had her own children, she will understand, and then she will need some assurances from you, that all will be alright. Not guarantees, just assurance.
Good luck to both of you. And please write again if you like. ANd Jacey.......you go girl! (mom too!)
Michele
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My daughter is 4 years old. Now she is in K1. For the past three years she was in a day care centre. Its been two semester now in the new scool and my daughter is still crying. In fact at first it was only in the mornings but lately the teacher has informed me that she cires for the whole day. I don't undertand . After all she was ok in the day care. I doubt if she is still adapting to her environment for it's been 2 semester now. She is very bright and when i ask her whats wrong or if she doesnt like the school or the teacher she tends to disregard the questions and leave my questions unanswered. The teacher thinks perhaps something at home is causing her to feel this way but she gets everything she wants yet remain unspoiled. She has a very loving family with no conflicts. I do not understand i'm desperate i can see the teacher's fustration causing her work to be difficult What shall i do (link)
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Dear mom,
I read your question this AM, but wanted to give it some thought before I replied, so I do hope you check back. I know you must be very anxious, and I realize that you don't want to go to school and get her when she cries because that kind of defeats the purpose. Something is definitly bothering her, and it may take some sleuthing on your part to find out. It may be that she is worried about something grown-up, and you don't realize it. Kids sometimes worry about the weirdest things. And we are suprised to find out that they were even thinking about it. Sometimes we say things at home, within ear shot of the kids, and don't realize it. They take things out of context, or take them for face value, and get upset, but they really have the wrong idea. It could be that she is anxious for you. It could be that she is worried about you. How is your job? Have you complained about your job at home? Have you comlained about some one at work, at home where she could here you? DO you have a dangerous job?, Or does she think that you do? We there a traumatic event in your lives just before she started, or soon after she started Kindergarten? Did you loose a family member. You are right in thinking that she got used to PreK and she should be used to Kindergarten by now, as long as you have ruled out nasty kids who might be picking on her, and that there is no problem with the teacher. Is she anxious at home about being away from your side? Since she does not answer your questions about liking the school or the teacher, and that could be an opportunity for her to tell you that she hates it hoping you will let her stay home, I think it is something else.
I may help for you two to sit down, get comfortable, and start talking about anything and everything and things that don't matter, and then bring up things that do matter, or that could matter. Ask her if she worries about mommy during the day. Ask her if she worries about daddy,or anyone else for that matter that she may be close to. Has she been exposed to any of the violence and talk of war on TV? If so, ask her if she is worried about War or dieing.
This is going to be like peeling an onion. Until you get to the bottom of it. But it will take gentle prodding from you.
Also have you ruled out any allergies. Some children are very much allergic to some foods, and they can cause mood swings. YOu can determine this by making sure that the foods she eats in school are the same ones she eats at home. I hope this helps.
Michele
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Ok, my girlfriend is pregnant and she's really worried about it. We're both 19 and this wasn't planned or anything. We talked about it for a long time and we both agreed that we want to keep it. Her parents disowned her when she was 18 becasue she started to see me, because she was raised catholic and I'm not catholic. I felt that was rediculous because I have nothing against catholics and I was willing to join the church if it meant I could be with her but she decided that she didn't want that...anyway her parents won't be helping us with her pregnancy and with the baby so we're on our own. (my mother is dead and I've never met my father) I know that she's going to be going through a lot with her pregnancy and I was wondering if anyone knew how I could help her get through with a little more ease. I'm working two jobs one full time and the other part time so I'm not around that much. But is there anything that I can do to be of any help to her or is there anything that I should look out for? I was also wondering about taking care of baby. If anyone has any tips about taking care of baby that would be a big help as well. Thank you for the advice and I will rate a five for any help.
Tim (link)
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Well first she has to get on state aid so that she can get a doctor. Since she is single, and has no assets, she should be eligible for state aid. Unless she has a full time job and insurance, then she can go see a doctor. The OB/GYN will see her throughout her pregnancy and you too if you want to go to the office visits. You should go whenever you can. Welfare or state aid, will want to know who the dad is. So expect that. And don't be scared, no one will judge you. and too bad if they do. It think is is wonderful that you two want to stay together and have the baby, but your love had better be strong because you are both going to be going through things that even older couples who are married and have both their families behind them, find it hard to get through. So hang in there. Mostly you can be supportive of your girlfriend. Her hormones are going to be raging. She will be weepy and have mood swings. She will think she is fat, tell her she is beautiful. And thank her over and over for having your child.
This is hard but you can do it if
1. you are both totally dedicated to each other.
2. if you are totally dedicated to the baby.
3. Understand that things will be tough, money will be tight, and the baby needs both of your attention. Don't feel left out after the baby comes. He/she will need his mother most of all, in the beginning. But that baby can bring great joy to both of you.
It will be had for both of you, because you have both be abondoned by your families. It means you will find the feelings that you sometimes feel for the baby and for each other foreign. When things get tough, you will say, "why should I stay, my father left me, I can leave this kids, this to too hard. Why should I stay. I am missing out on life because of some kid." Just be prepared. you may feel that way sometime, but let me tell you that if you do leave, your child will experience emotional pain that will never go away, and a hold in their heart that will never be filled. If you both think of each other and the baby, and not yourselves...you will get through this. Good luck to you. I will answer more questions if you like. As time goes on, you may have more questions. Leave a message in my in box.
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Ok, I'm 17/f and I just had a baby. He's 3 weeks now and I'm having a hard time supporting him. His dad won't do anything. He says that he's not sure if it's even his which is a completely false because I gave my virginity to him. He said he won't pay a time until he knows that it's his so he wants a paternity test. So I arranged for the test and he never showed up. He gave me a bogus excuse but I said fine and scheduled another one. We've gone through this process 5 times and he still won't help me or even get the test done. I dropped out of school and I'm working 2 jobs to try and support him because I have no family to help me. My best friend has been an angel she's been taking him to the school and putting him in the day care center so that I can work. She's also been watching him after school for me. I've tried paying her but she refuses the money. She's only one that I have helping me. I need his help. I just don't have enough money. I don't want to put her in foster care because I grew up in different foster homes and I refuse to put her threw that. I think that things would be fine if I could just get him to pay even a little child support. How do I go about taking him to court for child support? Do I need to hire a lawyer for this or can I do it on my own? If he needs to have a paternity test done is there anyway that I can make sure that he will actually show up?? Please help me I'm really confused. I will rate 5's to anyone who tries.
(link)
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Honey go on welfare. I hate to put that way, but when you go an apply for assistance, they will want to know who the dad is, tell them. tell them how to find him. If you have his social security number all the better. THey will make him pay child support until HE PROVES that he is NOT the father, And I think he will have to pay for the test. Don't be ashamed and don't be embarassed. I don't know what serves as welfare in your state. It might be social services, it might be Dept. of children and families. I think you will find it in the blue pages of your phone book, under state government. Tell them about your finances, and your expenses, rent and stuff. Bring the paperwork with you to speed up the process. They will make that boy pay you. They will attach his pay, they will take money from him weekley and send it to you. With that money and your two jobs, you may not have to actually get welfare money, but maybe food stamps would help. In this state we have WIC, women, infants and children, where a mom can get milk, orange juice, and cereals for free. It helps out a little. They may even be able to help with day care expenses. ANd I don't think you'll be able to stay on welfare for more than two years. And don't worry if he doesn't have a job, they will throw him in jail if he doesn;t pay. Funny how they manage to come up with the money when they are threatened with jail.
Don't get cold feet, and start to worry about him, you have to take care of that baby and yourself. That is the most important thing in your life now You are trying your best .Most girls would have had an abortion. The baby deserves to have food, clothing and shelter, and he has to pay.
Now, getting a lawyer is always an option, but you will have to pay, you will have to pay up front, and in this case it starts at $2,500.
Welfare will do all the work for you because they don't want to pay you, so they will make sure that he pays. Now don't tell them that you KNOW this, just play dumb when you go there. Say that you are broke, you don't have enough money to make ends meet, and you need help, or you and the baby will soon be on the street.
If he left you, you would have to do this. I think you said he is still living with you. Throw him out and go to social services. I don't know what they will do or if they will help if he is living with you. YOu have to leave him or through him out. I hope this helps honey. Please hang in there. You are young and you and the baby have to come first. Now don't hook up with the first guy that comes along either. Take your time and find someone who will love you AND the baby. It won't be the first guy that comes along. Be choosy. Investigate. Pay attention to their actions and behaviors, not what they say.
Please write again if you want to, or if you have more questions.
Michele
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When my girlfriend had a baby she took off a couple weeks after the baby was born. So I've been taking care of her by myself. Well my girlfriend called me and said that she needed money and that she's coming to take Lisa, our baby, and not to fight her on it because she has the right as her mother. I don't know what to do. I still care about her but I think she might be doing drugs again and I don't feel like our baby will be safe with her. I'm afraid that she'll just leave her like she did before except this time I won't be there to take care of her. Does she have the right to take Lisa or can stop her from taking her? If I can stop her how can I do that without causing a lot of stress for the both of us?
Thank you in advance
Jack (link)
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NO there is no way to get through this without causing a lot of stress. YOU HAVE TO GET A LAWYER. OR if you cannot afford one and I imagine you can't call child services, or what ever serves as child services in your state. The babys mother abandoned her. and you have to let child services know that. She just wants the baby back so she can go on welfare. Don't let her have it. It sounds like the two of you are doing well together. You will hate yourself if you let that child go with her Where are your parents. can't they help. Can you stay with them for a while Maybe she won't be so quick to take the baby if your parents also say NO. IF she shows up with the police, it will be for SURE that she will not have told them the truth, and they may not belive you. CALL CHILD SERVICES FIRST THING IN THE MORNING> Tell them everything, I hope you hgave the baby;s birth certificate. So you can prove you are the dad. Please call child services. They can help you. You won't be able to live with yourself if you let her take that baby.
Michele
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Hi my girlfriend recently told me she was pregnant and that the baby was concieved before we met i love this girl and was looking for any advice on not being the biological father and also looking after a small child any input from people who have experienced this and been through it would be very helpful thankyou in advance. (link)
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Ok, if she recently told you she was pregnant, she must be a recent girl friend. PLEASE be careful. you don't know her that well yet. What do you know about her family, her background? Why did she leave the boy who is the father? Do her parents know? Perhaps you are both young adults, and don't need to inform your parents, and that is fine, but you should still be careful. Is she scared, is she helpless, is she looking for someone to rescue her? You will find that that gets old real fast. Well perhaps you have six months or so to make up your mind. You can hang in there and get to know her better, but be cautious and trust your instincts. Is her family behind her? Are they going to pitch in and help? These are important things. Even young married couples who have children, have their families for support. It is important. I can be overwhelming to have a baby even when it is planned for.
If you decide to go through with it, then if you love her, you will love the child. Most likely you will be the kind of dad that your father was, and hopefully that was good. I hope you are both prepared to put yourselves and your relationship and enjoying the younger years of your lives as free and without responsibilities, once this baby arrives. The baby must come first. There are lots of books on parenting. You can get inexpensive ones on this web site
some are used, but very cheap. www.half.com
go there and search on books and search on parenting.
Michele
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I think that my daughter (14) has been using drugs. She hasn't had it easy and I haven't really helped that. A few of my old boyfriends hurt her and violated her. I've stopped dating because of it she doesn't deserve that and I don't want that to ever happen to her again. Recently I've been noticing that she's been coming home after 10 (her curfue is 9) and she acts differently. I've tried talking to her and she says that she isn't doing anything and that she just loses track of time. I don't know what to do. I'm not a great mother but I'm trying as hard as I can. Does anyone know how I could talk to her about this or how I can help her if she really needs it?
I will a rate high to anyone who at least tries thank you ahead of time. (link)
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Hi honey, I am a mother too, and I worry about the things you mentioned also. This is how I acted with my mother. I don't have these problems with my sons, thank God, but I thought sure that I would, since I know how I behaved when I was young. I don't know if you have owned up to what you did, but that will go a long long long way, to healing the relationship between you and your daughter. You admit to us here on this website, your responsibility in your daughter being violated, but have you admitted it to her. It is important that you tell her, that you were wrong, and that you are at fault, that she did nothing wrong, and that you will never let that happen again. Even though this is the way you are ACTING, it needs to be said, to be put on the table. You need to admit to your daughter that you made a mistake and then apologize. Then be a parent. A real tough one. YOu have it in you to do it, becaused you have faced these very hard issues. I know you have guilt, and there is no way around it, but this is not about your guilt this is about saving your daughter and not letting her go down that same road that you did. You know how emotionally painful it was for you. Don't you want to protect her from that. It sound to me like she already has to much freedom for a 14 year old girl. And I don't care what her other friends are doing. YOu are only concerned with saving her, not the whole neighborhood. ONce you have apologized to her and owned up to your responsibility in her being harmed, and in bringing danger into the house, then you can look her straight in the eye, and say, AND HONEY, YOU ARE NOT GOING DONW THAT ROAD! WHILE I HAVE AIR IN MY LUNGS! I guarantee, 1000% that when she is grown up, she will thank you. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. It is better to spend a few months not letting her get away with anything, then to spend years mourning her. Or watching her hurt herself over and over again. You sent her the wrong messages before with your actions, it is time to send her the correct messages, now that you know better.
You are doing the right thing. It is worth it, Keep it up. I read a lot of books on subjects like toxic parents, and raising self reliant childrent, and books like that help me. Because my mom was not a good role model and I did not want to be like her, but I did not automatically know how NOT to be like her. I had to learn.
Please don't give up, and she may throw your past in your face to get her way, don't fall for it. Just say that was then, this is now, and now I am paying the bills here, etc,etc, etc, and you will follow my rules.
I hope this helps. If you have any more questions, please feel free to leave a question in my in box, or send an email to
michele@personaladvicecolumn.com
Good luck to you. Be strong
Michele
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I'm 25/f and i have a 5 week old baby boy. I've been on my own since I was 13. My parents were horrible so I ran away. Because of my parents I started to drink and use drugs. I stopped using a week before I found out I was pregnant. I've been clean for 9 months and 7 weeks. I got this little apartment and I've been working two jobs to support me and my baby. I have been trying soo hard and I love him more than life itself but I can't do it anymore. I'm not being fair to him. I barely have enough money for food. We live in a tiny little apartment. The heat doesn't work half the time and I just feel like I'm not being fair to him.
My question is does anyone know a way that I can make more money to take care of him? Or are adoption agencies good at taking care of babies and finding them GOOD homes where he will taken care of like he deserves to be? (link)
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Dear young mom,
I feel so bad for you. You are trying so hard, and I know that it must be very difficult. Yes adoption can be a good alternative. I would try Catholic Charities, though, there won't be any fees involved, and maybe you can opt for an open adoption so you can still see your baby. But are you sure that is what you want. Will you be able to handle it emotionally? You have been so strong up to now. Where do you live, I mean what state do you live in. DO you live near a large city. Do you live near any of the covenant house locations. They take in runaway kids. Maybe they will help you and your child. Isn't there anyone, relative. It seems so unfair. You know those moms that killed their kids, and then lied and said that they were abducted? Sooooo many people said that they would have taken care of them, and raised them. Where are those people now? Why isn't there someone to help you. DId you know that you can bring any baby to a hospital emergency room, and they will take the baby, no questions asked. I think this is a nationwide law, designed to keep young scared girls from killing their babaies. Is this an option you would consider. Maybe some one at the hospital ER will have some compasion for you and direct you to some help and support.
A way you can make more money....well, what kind of education do you have? What are you doing now for work. Can you work in a day care where you can also bring your child, and work while being with the child? Can you become a surrogate mom, carry children to term for someone else? That pays very well I hear, and sometimes they support you during your pregnancy. Maybe you can even go to school while you are doing that, and improve your chances of earning more money while you stay with your baby? Sometimes you can even donate your eggs to infertile couple. Listen the covenant house has a web page www.covenanthouse.org and they have a free phone line. 800-999-9999. YOu can call them and talk about ANYTHING. See if they can direct you to some services that will help. If you want to give me more info about your education and skills so maybe I have more ideas about better employement...leave a question in my inbox. Advice name Michele
I hope some of this helps you. Please hang in there, and find the help you need. It is out there, but you have to look hard for it. They don't put signs up on the highway. So keep looking. Oh yes, in this state we have a social services hot line that is 211 sort of like 911, only it gets you information, like what you need. I don't know if they have that in your state, but try it. 211 for social services info. Also try the blue pages of the phone book.
Michele
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