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drug use
My 16 year old son began using drugs about a year ago. After several groundings, I told him to either follow the rules or he would have to go live with his father (what I assumed to be the ultimate punishment...and that he would be back and ready to follow my rules withing a few days.) He has now been living with his father for two months and will not speak to me because I "kicked him out." I miss him. His father and I do not speak so I don't know if he's getting the help he needs. What should I do?
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Don't worry, your son will come back to you when he has learned to be a man. y Y are female you cannot do this process of passage. Your son is in the best situation to become a man, his dad is his mentor. providing his dad is a good bloke of cause) Your son will come back to you with a new profound love & understanding of your motherly parental choices of setting boundries. You took responsibility whilst he grew up, now it's dad's turn to make a man of him. Be greatful he has a dad and he's getting along with him. Your son will be better off for it so will you, be patient your son will do a full circle. You will be proud of him. Mark my word
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Well first off you need to talk to your sons father. To find out what is goin on . They try to talk to yuor son get him help before it is too late. Have someone with the experience that ur son is going threw now . Get them to talk to him . And see what happens . Contact me at ldiva223@tmail.com
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speak to the father. i know you have your reasons and they are probably very valid, but, come on! your son is worth it isn't he? (if he isn't, then there may be some issues!) but i grew up with my mom who didn't speak to my dad. he left when i was 13. and when i was with him, and she wouldn't call in case he would pick up, it made me really pissed. i did a lot of things i regret because my parents (in my mind) were acting like little kids, who refused to put away small things aside to concentrate on the bigger picture. i kinda hate my dads guts, so if my mom sent me to my dad's it would only be for something bad. but you wouldn't send him to his father's unless his father was responsible, so i'm sure the two of can at least discuss your son like adults. if not, then i think i can really relate to your son, because i used to do a lot of shit, and still do. but it might not have been that way, if my parents had at least acted like parents.
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You may miss him. But you did what you had to do - you were right. You were being a responsible mother.
You cannot controll him, and its okay for you to feel that you miss him. But when he NEEDS you - he will come back. He's only angry because he is young,selfish and at that age it's all about "me myself and I". He probarbly feels like as a mother you should of supported/tried to make him stop - in a way that was VISIBLE and OBVIOUS for him to see (ie - begging/fussing over him). You have taken the role in trying to make him stop - just less in an obvious way because he isn't an adult.
If you're worried, try to get in contact in away you can - phone,email, school. OR do phone his father, just ask him if he is ok. But my guess is , he still is on the drugs - because if he wasn't, he wouldn't of liked living with his father, and would of left ages ago, wouldn't he?
Just know, that you are a good mother and I respect the fact you didn't back down and let him stay in your house whilst he is on drugs. He takes drugs, probabrly because its fun, and in his eyes you STOPPED that fun. That's why he hasn't been in contact. You stop him from doing something he likes (even if it IS damaging) him.
Find him, anyway you can, even send a letter, and explain to him you love ihm, you allways will, and you hope he is ok. Explain how you feel to him, a boy needs his mother
Sadie :)
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what you did was not wrong!in my perspective you did the right thing...my dad sent my brother to prison for a week because he thought it would help him with the addiction...my advice to you is go down and find your son. make a trip to see him and dont leave until youve sorted things out. i mean hes only 16 and probibly thinks being cool is the most important thing in life but when he grows up hel realise that what you were doing is only because you love him. i thank you for being a good mother because i am soo against drug use and i know you know that it can ruin lives. go to his fathers house, sit outside until he answers the door if you have to and just pour your hurt out to your son. tell him how you feel and tell him hoe much you love him etc i dont see it any other way. goodluck :)
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You have to take an active role in finding out what your son is up to. Can you go to his school? Stop by where he works. You know him well enough, maybe when you see him, you'll see whether or not he is taking drugs or not. He may be sixteen, but if living with his dad is not keeping him out of trouble, then you have a right to get him back whether he likes it or not. This is not about being friends with your son, or getting him to like you. It is about making sure he grows up right, and doesn't make the kinds of mistakes that will follow him the rest of his life. You are on the right track with your thinking....now it is time for action. You have rights, You are the parent, and he is a minor.
Figure out a way to get him to talk to you. If he is mad at you, then he must miss you too. Think about it, you'll come up with something. Invite him to dinner at his favorite place. Call him up and don't say, come to dinner with me, Call and say I am picking you up at such and such a time, be ready, we are going to have a bite to eat. That's all, one dinner. He can tolerate you for one dinner. and he probably misses you too.
During the conversation, you have to acknowledge his anger. "I know you are mad at me, and I understand why". Then tell him your reasons. If they sound lame, or if you made mistake, then admit it. Kids really respond to parents when they admit they made a mistake. If you want him back home, then tell him the door is open. BUT there are still rules that he has to obey. He may miss you and his friends from that neighborhood enough that he may even be glad to stop taking drugs, just so he can come home.
Look you and his father don't speak. So what you have taught your son is: this is how we deal with problems, and unresolved issues. We don't talk about them, we ignore them and we ignore each other. So he is learning well. Time to change the way you handle things. No you don't have to talk to the ex, you have to talk to him. Corner him if you have to to get his attention, and just say. Let's get a pizza. Then be happy and smily and bright and talk about what you have been doing first, then ask him. Try to find out what about his dad may be annoying him. (you know theres got to be something!!) and get him to open up.
He is only 16, I think he misses you too.
Please make this happen.
- Michele
PS: Mother of two boys who doesn't talk to their dad either. Now 23 and 19, and we are close, but there have been times when we didn't talk, but things are great now. Good Luck to you.
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